Sweet Charity (1969) Script

Oh, Charlie! I'm on time, right?

Wrong. You know what I did today? I looked at furniture.

At couches that turn into beds, and chairs that turn into beds, and lamps that turn into beds.

And then, you know, I went to look at wedding rings.

And then...

Look! For my trousseau.

And, you know, Charlie, that's not all I did today.

I went to the bank, you know? And I took every last cent I own.

All four hundred and twenty-seven dollars.

So now we can put a down payment on something.

Oh, Charlie, it's such a great world, isn't it?

♪ Today I feel New York is really my personal property

♪ Right down Broadway to City Hall

♪ Every supermarket, every five and ten

♪ All of Lincoln Center, and the great UN

♪ They're all my personal property

♪ The 200 in Central Park is merely my private menagerie

♪ I've carved my name on every tree

♪ From Yonkers Raceway to Bowling Green

♪ I own everything around and in between

♪ It's all my personal property

♪ The planetarium is mine alone

♪ The old aquarium I also own

♪ And since I feel today New York is really my personal property

♪ I'll tell you what I'm gonna do

♪ Since I like you very much

♪ 80 very, very much

♪ I'm gonna split it with you

♪ With you

♪ With you

♪ With you

♪ With you ♪

Hey, Charlie, you know, this is my own personal, private wishing well.

Hey! Let's make a wish... and then throw somethin' in after for luck.

♪ Since I like you very much

♪ 80 very, very much

♪ I'm gonna give it

♪ To... ♪ I wish...

(SHRIEKING)

Help!

Help! I can't... I can't swim!

Help! I can't...

Help! I can't... I can't swim! Help me!

Look, Walter. There's a girl in there, drowning.

Don't look, dear. But, Walter!

Don't look, I tell you. Don't get involved.

It's none of our business.

(YELLING)

CHARITY: Oh, God.

(SPLUTTERING)

(COUGHING)

MAN #1: Here, help! Somebody help! MAN #2: Somebody grab her ankles.

WOMAN: She looks dead. Doesn't she look dead to you?

I don't know. I've never seen her before.

MAN #1: Shake her. Shake her we” fill the water is out.

She's coming to.

CHARITY: Oh, my God! I'm in Australia! Put me down!

Put me down!

What do you think you're doing? Go away! Don't look at me!

Don't look at me! Take it easy, honey. You almost drowned.

Charlie. Where's Charlie? I bet she tried to knock herself off.

Apparently over a fellow named Charlie.

Who took my shoe? Where's my shoe?

(SOBBING)

Well, don't stare at me. Don't stare at me.

Please, leave me alone.

Please, leave me alone!

Come on, everybody, let's all go home. Come on, break it up.

Charlie! Why did you do it, Charlie?

The aquacade is all over. Hey, be careful. She's a crazy lady.

COP #2: Let's go now. Come on. Hey, you all right, miss?

COP #2: Show's over. Keep moving. I'm fine. I'm just fine.

Just put it down in your book. The crazy, drowned lady feels fine.

All right, miss. Would you care to tell us what happened?

I lost my shoe. That's what happened.

Hey, Monte, look for her other shoe, will ya?

Yeah, Monte, look for her other shoe.

MONTE: What's it look like? It looks like that one.

What does it look like! All right, miss. What's your name?

Charity.

Charity Hope Valentine.

Charity Hope Valentine?

Just write it. Just... MONTE: Here it is. I found it.

Address?

615 West 44th Street.

Occupation? Social consultant.

Where? The Fandango Ballroom.

Dance hall hostess.

MONTE: Oh, you mean you work in one of those tango palaces.

CHARITY: It's temporary.

COP #1: Length of employment? CHARITY: Eight years.

COP 1“: Suppose you tell me what you were doin' in the water.

CHARITY: Oh. Well, my fiancé, Charlie...

Well, he's not exactly my fiance, exactly, but we are engaged to be wed the minute his own marriage breaks up.

Anyway, we had this... this, er... rendezvous to meet in the park, and, er... I was just about ready to make a wish by throwin' in this penny, when...

I don't know, I guess I must have slipped or somethin', 'cause I lost my balance, and...

Anyway, naturally, he made a grab for me, and all he caught was my handbag, and I fell in. That's what happened.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Sure. Right.

Where's my hair spray?

Well, see, he couldn't jump in after me, 'cause of his bad back, you know.

Anyway, so he ran off to get help.

Where'd he go? The coast guard station in Norfolk, Virginia?

Come on, honey. Didn't you leave one tiny little detail outta that story?

Like what? Like there ain't one word of truth in it?

Hello, men.

Hey, Nickie, did you hear about Charity and her boyfriend?

You're gonna get married. Oh, all the luck in the world, baby!

He stole her money and pushed her in the lake.

He wasn't for you. Excuse me, ladies.

Prince Phillip just walked in, so park the gum behind your ears and drag it out on the floor.

Doesn't he ever knock? It's a good thing we're decent.

He's gonna call. Who?

Charlie. He's gonna call. Any minute, he's gonna call, and he's gonna have a very perfectly logical explanation for this whole thing.

-(PHONE RINGING) See, what did I tell ya?

Charlie!

It's for you. Yeah?

NICKIE: You know what your big problem is?

You run your heart like a hotel.

You got guys checkin' in and out all the time.

And you always get stuck with the bill.

This time it's different. He loves me.

I mean, when somebody has their name tattooed on your arm, so it'll be there forever, does that sound like the sort of fella's gonna push you in the lake for 427 measly bucks?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Sure. Right.

Where's my hair spray?

Forget him, baby. We got a livin' to make.

If you call this a living.

He's gonna call. You'll see.

Sure.

CHARITY: ♪ Since I like you very much

♪ 80 very, very much

♪ I'm... ♪ Oh, Charlie.


Hey, mister, can I talk to you for a minute? Got a cigarette for me, mister, huh?

Hey, mister, do you speak Spanish?

Hey, tiger, you wanna dance? A little dance won't hurt you.

Come here, cowboy. Wanna tell you somethin'.

Baby? Oh, you're so tall.

Let's have some fun.

Pssss!

♪ The minute you walked in the joint

♪ I could see you were a man of distinction

♪ A real big spender

♪ Good Iookin'

♪ 80 refined

♪ Say, wouldn't you like to know what's goin' on in my mind?

♪ 80 let me get right to the point

♪ I don't pop my cork

♪ For every guy I see

♪ Hey, big spender!

♪ Spend

♪ A little time with

♪ Me

♪ Me

♪ Me

♪ Me

♪ Do you wanna have fun?

Psssss!

♪ How's about a few

♪ Laughs?

♪ I can show you a

♪ Good time

♪ Do you wanna have fun?

♪ Fun, fun.

♪ How's about a few

♪ Laughs (fun), laughs (fun), laughs (fun)?

♪ I can show you a good time ♪ Laughs, laughs

♪ Fun, laughs ♪ Good time

♪ Fun, laughs ♪ Good time

♪ Fun, laughs, good time ♪

Pssss!

What do you say to a... How's about a...

Laugh? I could give you some...

Fun?

How would you like a... Let me show you a...

(ALL) Good time! ♪ Hey, big spender!

♪ Hey, big spender!

♪ The minute you walked in the joint

♪ I could see you were a man of distinction

♪ A real big spender

♪ Good Iookin'

♪ 80 refined

♪ Say, wouldn't you like to know what's goin' on in my mind?

♪ 80 let me get right to the point

♪ I don't pop my cork

♪ For every guy I see

♪ Hey, big spender!

♪ Hey, big spender!

♪ Hey, big spender!

♪ Spend

♪ A little time with

♪ Me

♪ Fun, laughs, good time

♪ Fun, laughs, good time

♪ Fun, laughs, good time ♪ How's about it, palsie?

ALL: Yeah!

Hey, Herman. Huh?

Anybody been askin' for me? Uh-uh.

NICKIE: Face it, honey. Charlie the pusher ain't comin' anymore.

Gee, what's the matter with me? What am I?

Oh, boy, am I stupid. Boy, am I a pushover.

No, not a pushover exactly. It's just that you're too...

Well, I don't know. You just keep on...

Yeah, you're a pushover.

If he stole your purse, why don't you call the cops?

They can always pick him up.

Oh, girl, do you know how many guys are runnin' around this city carryin' pocketbooks?

Why'd he do it? Everything he ever wanted, I bought him.

$11 shirts, $79 Italian silk suits.

Just what'd I do wrong?

I'd even get up in the middle of the night and buy him his meatball sandwiches.

Boy, did he love those meatball sandwiches.

Well, I have had it up to here with that creep.

Go, baby, 90! Now you're talkin'!

He can go slip and slide his greasy head on somebody else's shoulder.

I'm finished! I'm through, do you hear me?

I'm tired of buyin' him pointed shoes, and his trips to Florida, and his three-horse parlays.

Who does he think he is, shovin' girls into lakes?

Oh, boy, am I through givin'!

Oh, I hope your tight Italian pants choke you to death!

(SOBBING)


Get me a taxi!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Ursula, stop acting like a child.

Vittorio Vitale!

Hey! That's Vittorio Vitale, the Italian movie star!

Ursula, I can explain everything.

Don't touch me. We're through.

I hate you. Do you hear me? I hate you.

She really knows him!

Ursula, I merely said "hello" to that girl.

"Hello." That's all.

I do not want to discuss it.

Now, you can't walk out on me like this.

I can't? Well, just watch me. Just watch me.

Watch! Watch! You're not watching.

URSULA: Where's my taxi? -(PIERCING WHISTLE) Taxi!

Taxi!

You are coming back inside. I am not!

Oh, yes, you are. No, I'm not!

Yes, you are.

(YELLING IN PAIN)

(HORN HONKING)

Ursula! Ursula!

Ursula!

Oh, scusi, signorina. Scusi.

My pleasure.

(HORN HONKING)

(HORN HONKING)

Are you busy tonight?

Hey, he wants to know if you're busy tonight.

No, you.

Yes, you. Me?

VITTORIO: Are you busy tonight? What time?

Right now. Right now is very good for me.

Get in.

CHARITY: I'm with him.

(HORN HONKING)

(HORN HONKING)

Oh, that girl! She's driving me crazy.

Wild fits of jealousy. I can't stand it any longer. She's impossible.

That was my first impression. Childish, neurotic, selfish.

That was my second impression.

Well, it's finished.

She's just not worth it.

Well, on the other hand, you know, she's not so bad in the looks department.

Oh, yes. Yes, you're right. She is very beautiful.

Well, I mean, if you go for that sort of thing.

No, you are right. You are absolutely right.

She is... gorgeous.

I think I just screwed myself up.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(KNOCKING)

I'm, er... I'm with him.


(INAUDIBLE)


Who's that with Vittorio? WOMAN: She doesn't look familiar.

MAN #2: Who can she be? WOMAN #2: What happened to Ursula?

Who is it? Who is it?

Who is it? Who is it?

Who is it? Who is it?

Who is it? Who is it?

It's me! (CHUCKLING)

Wow! This place sure is crawlin' with celebrities.

I'm the only person here I never heard of.

(MUSIC PLAYING)


ALL: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Oooooh... Yeah, yeah.

Ooooh... Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Oh! Oh!

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh! Oh!

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh! Yeah! Oh! Yeah! ALL: Yeah!

Oh! ALL: Oh!

Gimme yeah! Yeah!

Oh! Oh!

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh! Yeah! Oh! Yeah!


Excuse me, Signor Vitale. There is a phone call.

It's Ursula. Look how she knows me.

No matter where I go, she knows how to find me.

Well, I know her, too. She'll cry and plead with me to come to her apartment.

What should I do? Be magnanimous and forgive her, or be aloof?

-"AIoof" sounds good. You think so?

The aloof er the better.

I am not here. Now I really feel great.

I could eat a horse. I was only kidding.

Now, we dance!

Yeah, I wasn't hungry anyway.


Oh! Oh, damn it!

I'm so sorry. Really I am. It's all right.

It's all right.

Where are we? My place. Come on.

Your place? Hey, wait. Just a second.

Get in the car, get outta the car, go here, 90 there, your pla...

You think you can just "your place" and, er... any time you feel like it, huh?

Coming?

Yeah.

Good evening, sir.

I'm with him. Oh.

Thank you.

VITTORIO: Were there any calls, Manfred? None, sir.

No calls? None, sir.

Are you sure? Positive, sir.

Well, if there are any, I am not in.

Yes, sir. And bring us a cold supper.

Very good, sir.

(SNAPPING FINGERS)


What did you say your name was?

Charity. Charity Hope Valentine.

(SNAPPING FINGERS)

-(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) Do you like Brahms?

Huh? The music.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

It's got a... It's got a great beat.

Leave it. Well, it'll get all...

Leave it!

And sit down.

Talk to me. Tell me what you do.

Oh, that'd just be a waste of time.

Why? -'Cause I'd lie.

Why should you lie?

Because I really wanna make an impression on you, and if I told you the truth, what I really did, you wouldn't be impressed.

Let me be the judge of that. What do you do?

Um...

(MUFFLED) I'm a dance hall hostess.

(CHARITY CHUCKLING)

A what?

I'm a dance hall hostess.

Oh.

There, you see? You shoulda let me lie.

I was gonna be an assistant dental technician.

Well, that doesn't sound very impressive.

It does to a dance hall hostess.

Champagne?

(EXHALING) I don't mind if I do.

Why did you ever take a job like that?

I don't know.

Fickle finger of fate, I guess.

What? Fickle finger of fate.

Don't you know what that means? Yes, I think so.

Well, I don't. Not really.

But see, these things always seem to happen to me, and I never know why or how.

And people are always comin' up to me, askin':

"Why did you take up with that guy?" or "How come you wound up in that joint?"

And I always felt so dumb sayin', "I don't know."

But it was the truth. I don't.

I guess you're supposed to know why you do things or... how come you wind up places.

Anyway, now whenever anybody says "why?" or "how?" to me, I just say, "Fickle finger of fate", and then I don't feel so dumb.

I think you just like saying it.

I think you're right. -(VITTORIO CHUCKLING)

-"Fickle finger of fate." There, you see?

-"Fickle finger of fate." -(VITTORIO LAUGHING)

"Fickle finger of fate! Fickle finger of fate!

"Fickle finger of fate! Fickle finger of fate!"

You wanna try?

Nn-nnn. Oh, It feels good. Really, It does.

It cools the mouth.

Oh, try it just once. "Fickle finger of fate."

No, no. Say it. Just once.

All right.

"Fickle finger of fate."

You like it? That's very nice.

It does cool the mouth.

Oh, I got lots of phrases I like to say.

Like if some wisenheimer down at the Fandango says somethin' dirty to me sometime, or somethin' fresh, and I can't think fast enough to answer, I like to say, "Up yours".

(SWALLOWING)

You do?

Oh, yeah, that really works. It fits just about any situation.

But I wouldn't say it to anyone as refined as yourself.

But, I can say "Fickle finger of fate", can't I?

You certainly can.

-(CHARITY CHUCKLING) You have a nice laugh.

You have a nice everything.

What shall we drink to, huh?

Oh, I know, I know.

To the fickle finger... Finger of fate.

Bottoms up. Up yours.

Oh!

Pow! -(VITTORIO CHUCKLING)

It just slipped out.

You're marvellous.

Really marvellous.

I am? Mmm.

Wow. That is really somethin', comin' from the Vittorio Vitale.

What makes you think the Vittorio Vitale is anything special?

Are you kidding? Haven't you ever seen you in the movies?

I like to think I have better taste than that.

Oh, you don't know what you're missin'.

Remember the one you did with that Italian actress Micka Minickeli?

Monica Monicelli. Yeah.

Er... Passion in Palermo, I think it was called.

And there was this scene. She was crying.

And you bent down, and you kissed every single one of her fingers, from her pinky to her thumb. You remember that?

Fortunately, no.

Oh, boy, I remember it. I'll never forget it.

And then you said, "Without love, life has no purpose."

(SNORTING) The things I say for money.

Did that ever hit home!

Did you get me where I live!

I sat through the whole film and six marshmallow bars just to hear that one line again.

"Without love, life has no purpose."

Is that what you believe?

Sure. Doesn't everybody?

No, not everybody.

Tell me, why do you believe in love?

Everybody's gotta have some religion, don't they?

And so your religion is love?

Well, I'll tell you one thing, I sure go to church a lot.

You know, I see you sitting here with my own eyes, but I find it hard to believe that you really exist.

(BUZZER)

Yes?

Ah, no, no. Thank you, Manfred.

I'll... I'll take care of it myself. Good night.

Our supper.

Caviar.

Cold lobster.

Brochette.

And melon.

May I fix you a plate?

What's the matter?

They'll never believe it.

Believe what?

That I'm here, in Vittorio Vitale's bedroom, drinkin' champagne, and he's servin' me dinner.

Who won't believe it? My girlfriends.

What can we do about it?

CHARITY: Do you think...

VITTORIO: What?

CHARITY: That... Yes?

CHARITY: Could I have a personally autographed picture?

You can have me in profile or full face, with moustache, clean-shaven, smiling, or sexy.

Oh, I will take that clean-shaven, full-faced and sexy one.

For... Charity.

For Charity, um...

Who was with me tonight... in my apartment.

Alone.

Alone.

I swear it.

Vittorio Vit... Yes, yes, I know the rest.

Eccola.

Wow! You even write great!

Oh, what a night for me!

Tomorrow, you're movin' right into my locker, and every time I open the door, pow!

Oh, they're... they're not gonna believe this.

They're gonna think this is a forgery.

Where you goin"? You wait for me.

I'll be right back.

Now, don't go away.

Hurricane Hazel could strike. I'm not movin'.


♪ If they

♪ Could see me now

♪ That little gang of mine

♪ I'm eatin' fancy chow and drinkin' fancy wine

♪ I'd like those stumblebums to see for a fact

♪ The kind of top-drawer first-rate chums I attract.

♪ All I can say is "wow-wee, look at where I am"

♪ Tonight I landed... pow!... right in a pot of jam

♪ What a set-up, holy cow

♪ They'd never believe it if my friends could see me

♪ Now

♪ They'd never believe it

♪ They'd never believe it

♪ They'd never believe it

♪ They'd never believe it

♪ They'd never believe it

♪ They'd never believe it

♪ They'd never believe it

♪ They'd never believe it ♪ Oh!

Do you think this will do? I used it in my first film.

Oh!

Oh, what a beautiful... black thing.

It's a hat.

-(POPPING SOUND) - Eccola.

You see? My initials. -(CHARITY GASPING)

It is yours.

Now, wait. There's more.

(POPPING SOUND)


♪ If they could

♪ See me now, my little dusty group

♪ Traipsin' round this million-dollar chicken coop

♪ I'd hear those thrift shop cats say "Brother, get her"

♪ Draped on a bedspread made from three kinds of fur

♪ All I can say is "wow!"

♪ Wait till the riff and raff

♪ See just exactly how

♪ He signed his autograph

♪ What a build-up, holy cow

♪ They'd never believe it

♪ If my friends could see me now ♪

-(VITTORIO CHUCKLING) CHARITY: Hi.

Ciao. Boy, this is some terrific mattress.

My initials.

This, also, is for you.

Oh, I couldn't. You must.

Oh, really, I can't. I insist.

I'll take it.

I'll go see if there is anything else.

Ciao, Vittorio, baby!

♪ If they could see me now

♪ Alone with Mr V

♪ Who's waitin' on me like he was a maître d'

♪ I hear my buddies sayin' "crazy, what gives?"

♪ Tonight she's livin' like the other half lives

♪ To think the highest brow, which I must say is he

♪ Should pick the lowest brow, which there's no doubt is me

♪ What a step-up, holy cow

♪ They'd never believe it if my friends

♪ Could

♪ See me

♪ Now


♪ They'd never believe it

♪ They'd never believe it if my friends

♪ Could see me... ♪ Hey, girls. Look! It's me!

Charity!

Oh!

Oh, boy, you know this... this is some terrific floor.

(SQUEAKING)

Miss Charity Hope Valentine.

Since I could find nothing else, in all of my possessions, that could truly express my warm feelings for you, for what you have done tonight, for what you have given me, I ask you please to accept this.

Oh, wow!

I accept.

And may I just say that I never received such a gift in such a gorgeous package.

Mr Vitale, you've been so terrific to me.

I think that this is... this is the best time I ever spent in my whole life.

No, no, no, please.

(BUZZER)

Suppose you eat your supper, huh?

Pronto.

Well, tell her I'm asleep. No, tell her I'm dead.

Well, tell her th...

What?

Accidenti!

Look the door. Look the door.

It's Ursula.

She's here.

What should I do?

What should I do?

If you want my opinion, we don't really need her.

And in my opinion, we don't really need her.

-(DOOR RATTLING) -(KNOCKING)

Vittorio!

Vittorio, I know you're in there. Let me in.

Oh, Ursula, go away.

Vittorio, please. No.

Please? No!

Please! I can't stand it. Let her in.

Yes, you're right.

(KNOCKING)

In here.

I'll get rid of her as soon as I can. But... oh...

-(KNOCKING) VITTORIO: In a second!

Vittorio, let me in. Don't treat me this way.

I almost forgot. Oh. Thank you.

Thank you. Here.

Oh, if you get a chance, I'd love a cold beer.

Yeah.

URSULA: Vittorio, I'm not leaving until you open this door.

Oh, Vittorio, what took you so long? What's going on in here?

Oh, is that why you came back?

To accuse me again, huh?

You have someone else in here. Oh? Very well.

I picked up a girl off the street, and,eh" she's hiding in the closet.

I don't believe you.

VITTORIO: Well, look for yourself. URSULA: All right, I Will.

Oh, what's the matter with me?

You wouldn't stoop so low as to hide another woman in a closet.

Oh, I don't know What comes over me.

The thought of you with another woman just drives me insane.

Why do I torture myself this way?

Why?

Why?

Why? -(THUMPING DOOR LOUDLY)

If I knew you really cared, I 'd give you anything.

I care, cara mia.

Of course I care.

But why can't we discuss this in the morning?

URSULA: Do you care, Vittorio? Do you really care?

Of course I care.

Of course I care.

URSULA: Really? VITTORIO: Really.

You know, Ursula, I don't understand why we torture each other this way.

Oh, because I'm a fool. Jealous fool.

Oh, how could I have been so foolish as to believe you'd bring home some cheap little nothing?

(MOUTHING SILENTLY)

VITTORIO: Now, Ursula, I really do think you should go.

It's so late, and I'm really very tired.

We can have dinner tomorrow, all right?

URSULA: Why don't you just lie down and relax?

VITTORIO: No, no, I don't want to lie down.

URSULA: Just for a moment, and then I 7! go.

VITTORIO: All right, but just for a moment.

(VITTORIO AND URSULA CHUCKLING)

Without you, there is no love.

And without love, life has no purpose.

(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)

Oh, Ursula, Ursula.

Mmm, Vittorio, Vittorio.

Wow.

Oh, talk about your foreign movies!

♪ If my friends

♪ Could

♪ See me

♪ Now ♪


Ssh-ssh-ssh.

-(WHISPERING) It's morning. Oh.

Good morning. Good morning.

Are you all right? Well, it's too soon to tell.

Okay.

Wow.

Silk sheets! Must have cost a fortune.

Thank you very much for everything.

I'm... I am sorry the way things turned out.

No, it sorta figured, you know? Why do you say that?

Because you're you, and I'm me.

For the taxi. No, you've given me enough already. Really.

Oh, well...

- Ciao. Ciao.

CHARITY: Well, first we go to this ritzy place, where we end up dancin' together.

Oh, he is some terrific dancer!

Then, we go back to his fashionable East Side apartment, except it was a whole, entire house, with so many rooms you needed a compass to find your way around.

Then we just sort of sat around sippin' champagne and talkin' about life and things, you know.

Oh, boy, it was some terrific night.

So, come six o'clock in the morning, guess what he wants to do then?

Send me home in his own personal, private limousine.

But I say to him, "Vittorio, honey, forget it.

"I enjoy walkin' when the sun's comin' up."

But to tell you the truth, I didn't actually walk.

I mean, I flew all the way home.

My feet never once touched the ground.

Yeah, well, you keep on smokin' them funny little cigarettes, you're bound to do a little flyin'.

I knew it. I knew you wouldn't believe I spent the entire evening with Vittorio Vitale.

You swear? I swear.

On your mother's life? On my mother's life.

Hey, Wanda, call up and see how her mother is.

All right, look.

Look!

What he gave me. And look what else.

His cane. And his hat.

Mementos of our evening together.

Oh! Oh! Oh! His hat! (LAUGHING)

Is that all he gave you?

What do you mean, is that all?

Hi, team. Hey, Nickie, did you hear about Charity spendin' the night with Vittorio Vitale?

I don't believe it!

And all she got for it was an old hat and a cane.

I believe it.

Oh, honey, if I was you, I'd pass this hat and beat myself to death with the cane, 'cause you are dumb.

You don't even know what happened. Forget it, baby.

What you do in bed is your business. You see? I wasn't even in bed.

I was in the closet.

(SILENCE)

To each his own.

The least you could have got was a mink coat!

Oh, what's he gonna give me a mink coat for?

If you gonna mess with the details, you ain't gonna get no results.

A hat and a cane?

If it was me, I'd have walked out of there with my own beauty parlour.

Now you'll never get outta here.

It was your big chance, baby, and you blew it.

Now you're stuck. Stuck like the rest of us.

And it ain't no use flappin' your wings, 'cause we are caught in the flypaper of life.

Not me.

What'd you say?

I said "not me".

What chance have we got in a miserable joint like this?

I mean, just look at us.

Don't look at me. I was always like this.

What's the matter with her? Nothin'.

If you happen to like a lot of beat-up broads nobody cares about.

Well, not me.

I'm not gonna spend the next 40 years of my life in the Fandango Ballroom.

I am not gonna become the world's first little old grey-haired taxi dancer.

I am getting out.

"Out"! What a nice word.

♪ There's gotta be something better than this

♪ There's gotta be something better to do

♪ And when I find me something better to do

♪ I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get out

♪ I'm gonna get up, get out and do it

♪ There's gotta be some respectable trade

♪ There's gotta be something easy to learn

♪ And when I find me something a half-wit can learn

♪ I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get out

♪ I'm gonna get up, get out, and learn it

♪ All these jokers, how I hate them

♪ With their groping, grabbing

♪ Clutching, clinching

♪ Strangling, handling

♪ Fumbling, pinching

♪ Phooey!

♪ There's gotta be some life cleaner than this

♪ There's gotta be some good reason to live

♪ And when I find me some kind of life I can live

♪ I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get out

♪ I'm gonna get up, get out, and live it I got it. I have got it! What?

I'm gonna be a receptionist.

In one of those glass skyscrapers. Nine to five.

My own typewriter. And water coolers. And office parties.

Ooh-ooh-ooh, and coffee breaks.

Wow!

♪ When I sit at my desk on the 41st floor

♪ In my copy of a copy of a copy of Dior

♪ I'll receive big tycoons, and I'll point to a chair

♪ I'll say "Honey, while you're waiting

♪ "How would ya like to put it down over there?"

♪ There's gotta be something better than this

♪ There's gotta be something better to do

♪ And when I find me something better to do

♪ I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get out

♪ I'm gonna get up, get out, and do it! ♪

Hey, hey, me too, me too.

I'm gonna get outta here, and I'm gonna go right to the top.

Yeah! I am gonna be... a hat-check girl, at one of them East Side high-class restaurants.

You know, a tray full of cigarettes costin' sixty cents a pack, and "keep the change"?

And all those hats comin' in, derbies, homburgs, ooh, and that cute little checkered number, with the skinny brim and the feather!

♪ Check your hat, sir, check your coat, sir

♪ Check your vest, sir, check your pants

♪ Check your socks, sir, check your shoes, sir

♪ I can hold them while you dance

♪ Check your eyes, sir, check your ears, sir

♪ Check and see if you are free

♪ How about it after hours?

♪ I'll check you

♪ And you check me ♪

Me too, me too. I'm gonna get out, too.

NICKIE: But, baby, what can you do? I don't know.

Just get me outta here, and I'll figure it out later.

♪ There's gotta be some life cleaner than this

♪ There's gotta be some good reason to live

♪ And when I find me

♪ Some kind of life I can live

♪ I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get out

♪ I'm gonna get up, get out and live it! ♪


Ha!

Ha!

Phooey!

Phooey!

Yip!


♪ Lala la-la

♪ Lala la-la

♪ Lala la

♪ Lala la-la, lala la-la

♪ Lala la la-la-la la-la-la lala la


♪ And when I find me

♪ Some kind of life I can live

♪ I'm gonna get up

♪ I'm gonna get out

♪ I'm gonna get up, get out

♪ And live ♪

Live it!

(ALL THREE LAUGHING)

MAN: Excuse me, ladies.

They have just announced the winners of the Irish Sweepstakes, and since none of you lovely creatures is among the winners, get your keisters back inside.

Hey, Herman.

In the first place, watch your language. There's ladies present.

And in the second place, we're not so sure we're comin' back.

I can always find somebody else. That's the third place.

I'm comin', Herman.

But, Nickie, what about all those plans we just made?

Yeah. What about 'em?

Oh!


(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, I've got it, Mr Carmichael. Stenotypist, with a guarantee of nine paid holidays, cost of living escalation, and free maternity care.

Okay, Mr Carmichael, first stenotypist that walks in, you've got her.

Goodbye, Mr Carmichael.

-(DISCREET COUGH) Come in. Sit down.

Card.

Well, now, Miss, er... Valentine, what can we do for you?

I want a job. A nice job.

Of course you do. What nice job would you like?

And don't say mine, 'cause it's already taken.

Well, something in an office. Good.

You, um... type, of nouns?

Take shorthand? No.

Operate calculators? Nope.

Keep books? No.

File?

Run a switchboard? No.

You speak a foreign language? No.

Um... No.

Ask me some more questions.

Well, look, Miss, um... Valentine...

How about, um... stenotypist?

Oh, are you a stenotypist?

Well, not at the moment. But you do stenotype?

Maybe. Uh-huh. What do you mean?

What is it?

Um...

Where did you go to school?

Public elementary school number 84.

I mean, after that. After what?

This isn't goin' too good, is it?

Have you ever had any formal training in any field whatsoever?

Well, nothing that comes to mind.

Well, then, what do you expect me to do?

I told you, find me a nice job.

But you can't do anything!

B... But I must be able to do somethin'.

Well, I mean, everybody knows how to do somethin'.

Don't they?

I used to think so. Look, Miss, er...

Valentine. Oh, please, Mr Nicholsby, you gotta find me somethin'.

I don't wanna go back to that place where I'm workin', you know?

I mean, I want a nice job where I can meet some nice people.

I w... I want very much to change my life.

I'll work hard. I'll work awful hard. And I'll learn quick.

Find me somethin', Mr Nicholsby, please.

Oh, is this a gag?

Huh? I'm right, aren't I?

It is a gag. Those guys down the hall put you up to it.

Like the time they sent over a guy that stuttered for a radio announcer's job.

Oh, they should know by now I can spot 'em.

You can tell them you really had me going.

But it took you a while, didn't it?

Well, you're a very good Sp... sport, Mr Nicholsby.

Listen, you're pretty good yourself.

Well, I gotta be goin' now.

I have a job, you know. I got a swell job.

I was just helpin' 'em out.

That stuff about "Public elementary school number 84", that was perfect.

Yeah, it was good.

-(PHONES RINGING) -(TYPING)

Miss? Are you going down, miss?

Miss, I'm afraid I'm going to be awfully late.

(WHIRRING)

I didn't mean to rush you. I hope I wasn't rude, but I have an appointment, and if I'm late, they'll blow a fuse.

(LOUD JUDDERING)

What was that? We stopped.

Why did I have to say that?

About blowing out a fuse. What a dumb thing to say.

Press the button over there. It” get started again.

We're stuck. Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Kind of st... Kind of stuffy in here.

Isn't it kind of stuffy?

(HUMMING)

Maximum weight in pounds: 3,500. What do you weigh?

Yeah, we're-all light.

-'Course we're all right. Yeah, we're fine. We're fine.

Yeah.

We're just stuck in the... the little old elevator.

Hey, are you okay really? Who, me?

Yeah. Oh, yes, I'm fine. (CHUCKLING)

I'm fine. I... I have to get used to it, that's all, 'cause this is... this is the first time I've ever been trapped in an elevator.

Trapped, trapped, trapped.

Hey.

Hey, do you have that thing, you know, where you're scared of small, tight places?

Claustrophobia? Yeah.

No, no, no, no, nothing like that.

Claustrophobia? No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I... I just, er... can't stand... small, tight places.

But I can handle this all right, because I know we'll... we'll get out of here in a couple of minutes.

Well, sure, we will. You really think so?

Of course I think so.

I mean, if you thought we're really trapped in here, what would you say?

But we're not really trapped.

Yeah, well, I know, but if you thought we were, what would you say?

Then I'd say, "We're really trapped".

My God! I knew it! I knew it!

Dear, you shouldn't get so excited.

Yeah. Look. Isn't this awful?

'Cause I never act this way, really. I'm a very calm, organised person.

I want you to know that if-if-if-if it really comes down to it, you can depend on me.

You understand that? Yeah, I understand.

Yeah. I just hope it doesn't come down to it.

Maybe I should yell for help. Why not?

(QUIETLY) Help.

Help!

(LOUDLY) Help!

Here. My name is Charity Hope Valentine, and...

Hey, you're shaking! All over.

Let me rub your wrist.

You know what I feel like doing now?

I mean, you know what my impulse is?

To take off all my clothes.

I don't think that would do very much good.

You'd think they'd have a telephone in here, wouldn't you? Never again.

Never go in an elevator again without checking for a phone!

Always check for a phone!

Hey... Listen, I have an idea.

What do you think of this? Climbing out the top of the elevator, shimmying up the cable, and then forcing the door open on the floor above.

Well, it might work, but gee, I do think it sounds a little dangerous.

Then don't try it. Stay here with me.

Hey, come on down there! We don't think it's funny anymore!

If I could just get out for a few minutes.

Just a few minutes outside, and then I'd be all right.

Then I'd come back inside. Listen.

I really think the best thing to do is keep talking about something else.

Then you won't think about it, okay?

What's your name? Your name. What's your name?

Don't ya have a name? I don't think so.

Well, sure you have a name. Everybody's got a name.

Bruce, Howard, Richard...

Oscar. My name is Oscar Lindquist.

Oscar Lindquist? It's stuffy in here.

No, no, no, let's keep our clothes on, Oscar.

Now, where do you live?

Who? Oscar Lindquist.

Where do you live, Oscar Lindquist?

Keep talking. Where do you live? In an elevator!

You don't live in an elevator. You live in a house. Now concentrate!

Yes. 411 East 74th Street.

I've gotta stop breathing so much. I'm gonna use up all the air.

Keep talking, Oscar. Keep talking.

That's not fair. You should breathe some of the air.

I can breathe. I can breathe. Now listen. Where do you work?

The Excelsior Life Insurance Company. "Your life is our business."

I'm an actuary. What's an actuary?

I figure out premiums based on the probabilities.

Good, Oscar. Now what's a probability? The odds.

The odds on what? Keep talking. Suppose you wanted a policy.

Yes, I want a policy. Go on.

It's my job to study your particular situation...

Yes. And then figure out the odds on your meeting with an unfortunate accident like... like suffo... suff... suffocating in an elevator.

Oscar! Mr Lindquist!

Are you all right?

Boy, this is really my lucky day.

Of all the millions of guys in this town, I wind up with a candidate for the funny farm.

Not too bad-Iookin' though.

For a fruitcake.

♪ It's a nice face

♪ As faces 90

♪ It's a very nice face

♪ With a place for every feature

♪ Every feature in its place

♪ Not a commonplace face

♪ His eyes

♪ Blue

♪ His chin, stubborn and strong

♪ His ears

♪ They're ordinary ears

♪ His nose

♪ A little long

♪ Still

♪ It's a gentle face

♪ A little square

♪ A little corny

♪ It's a sentimental face

♪ If he'd smile

♪ He'd look like... so!

♪ When he's mad

♪ He'd look like... so!

(CHUCKLING)

♪ So...

♪ Don't make this a federal case

♪ It's just another pretty face ♪

But, you know...

♪ It's a very, very

♪ Very nice

♪ Face ♪

Where am I?

Do you remember where you were before?

No. Well, you're still there.

My God! Don't leave me! I won't leave you, Oscar.

I won't leave you, I promise. I'll stay right here in this elevator with you, and everything's gonna be just fine.

OSCAR: What happened? CHARITY: I think the lights went out.

OSCAR: Oh, boy!

Help. Help!

Help! Help!

Help!

Help! Help!

Help. Oh, help.

Help.

Oscar, Oscar! The lights are on.

Push the button. Push the button! Yes.

Oh! It's moving. It's moving!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

BOTH: Oh, it's moving!

Well, of course, your big problem is panic.

Seventy-eight per cent of your common household accidents could be avoided by... by calm, clear-headed thinking.

Well...

See ya around.

Around.

(TRAFFIC SOUNDS)

Er... miss? Miss, what, er...

Do... Do you suppose that we could...

Well, you know, er... Do you think that maybe that...

That I don't suppose, er... that we could...

I know you're tryin' to ask me for somethin', but ya gotta give me a little bigger hint.

Well, can I see ya this Sunday?

Aren't ya late for work or somethin'?

Well, I was supposed to go to... to group analysis, but I guess I missed it.

You gonna be all right? Oh, yes.

It was my last session this week anyway.

I'm finished. Good.

What was your problem? Well, one of my problems was that...

I was painfully shy.

And now you're cured?

No, I... I never had the nerve to bring it up, so I quit.

I guess you're busy Sunday.

Look, can I ask you a personal question?

You're not otherwise affiliated, are ya?

Like a wife? Oh, no! No, no, nothing like that.

Are you busy Sunday? No.

Oh, well, um... where do you live?

Maybe you prefer to meet me somewhere.

Are you familiar with that little bridge in Central Park?

Yeah, well, maybe we better forget the whole thing.

Please... two o'clock, Sunday?

If you're not there, I'll understand.

I'll be there anyway. I've got nothing else to do.

CHARITY: I must be out of my head. What am I doin' here?

Uh-uh.

Charity!

(CHUCKLING)

I'm glad you could make it.

I thought after... what happened in the elevator, you might think I was...

Well, you know... some kind of a nut.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Here.

I grow them myself in my apartment.

Do you mind if we get off this bridge? Oh, sure, sure.

Listen, I've made all... all kinds of plans for today. I thought maybe...

(INAUDIBLE)

(MUSIC ONLY)

CHARITY: Uh-huh. Here it comes.

The "I must have left my wallet in my other pants" routine.

Well, forget it, Charlie. You ain't gettin' a nickel out of me.

(MUSIC ONLY)


Do you like modern art?

I have several really fine reproductions at home.

Do you know where I'd like to take you now?

CHARITY: Yeah, to your place, to look at your reproductions.

(MUSIC ONLY)


Boy, if Nickie and Helene could see me now.

Who are Nickie and Helene? Two... Two of the girls I work with.

Oh, you... You know, I've been so busy talkin', I haven't given you a chance to say anything.

Where do you work?

Well...

No, no, wait, wait, let me guess, because usually I can just look at a person, and tell you right off what they do. Now...

I'd say you definitely work... in a bank.

Am I right? Did I get it?

You got it. Well, you see, it's... it's... it's kind of a sixth sense. Which bank?

You familiar with Brooklyn? No.

It's in Brooklyn. You want a stick of gum?

No, thank you.

See, I... I...

(MUSIC ONLY)

You know, working in a bank can be very dangerous, you know?

In the greater New York area the odds are 1 in 75 that you will be held up at least once in any 12-month period.

Listen, just livin' is dangerous, right?

May I see you home? Where do you live in Brooklyn?

Oh, it's... oh, it's way far out.

And it's late. You gotta get up early.

I'll be okay. Honest.

Oh, er... listen.

May I see you tomorrow? Maybe we could go to a movie.

Okay, but one with a happy ending. I'm nuts about happy endings.

Good! I'll pick you up at five o'clock in front of the bank, okay?

(DROWNED OUT BY PASSING TRAIN)

Suppose we, er... meet...

BOTH: At the bridge. Yeah.

Night. Good night.

Look, I want you to know I had a very nice time.

Being with you, I mean. -80 did I, Oscar.

A very nice time. I had a very nice time, too.

Well... Well...

You're a lovely girl, Charity.

Sweet Charity.

Gee, for a weirdo, he's very nice.

I just live round... around the corner.

"Sweet Charity."

Sweet Charity?

Sweet Charity.

Hey, Nickie, Helene, guess what happened?

Somethin' every girl in the ballroom dreams about!

You've been drafted! -(LAUGHTER)

CHARITY: No, I met a man, a nice man.

Here it is, folks, the eleven o'clock news.

We listen to it every night.

Can you imagine, I spent the whole afternoon with him, and he never once tried any funny business, not once.

All he did was kiss my hand.

Hey, that's not makin' a pass, is it?

Naw. Is it, Helene? What?

If a guy kisses your hand, would you classify that as a pass?

Depends. On what?

On where your hand is when he kisses it.

Hey, where was your hand?

On the end of my arm!

Okay, so besides slobbering all over your knuckles, what else does he do?

He's a reactionary. A what?

He figures out odds. A horse player.

No! For an insurance company. And he also grows flowers.

HELENE: Sounds like a goofball. He is not a goofball.

What does the goofball think of your profession?

And have you told him you're in the rent-a-body business?

Well, it just so happens that he doesn't think anythin' of it.

BOTH: She ain't told him.

Look, in the first place, he is very highly educated.

And a little thing like that wouldn't bother him.

And in the second place, he already knows, because I already told him.

You told him? Yup.

You mean you really told him? Yes, I told him! I told him!

When? Tomorrow, that's when I told him.

(DOG BARKING)

OSCAR: You like peanuts?

Yup.

For our anniversary. Huh?

It's exactly two weeks since we were trapped together between the ninth and tenth floor.

Boy, what a two weeks this has been, too.

You know, we've been to six movies, four museums, a lecture on air pollution, and a pet Show.

I'd like to do something different tonight.

You wanna rob a supermarket?

Would you like to go to church? To church?

OSCAR“. It's the Rhythm of Life Tabernacle.

It started out as a jazz group in San Francisco, and it turned into a religion.

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

BIG DADDY: Hey, baby, like, let there be light.

Lights! Lights! Lights!

Oh, yeah! Lights!

Hit it! Hit it!

Wow!

(MULTIPLE BELLS JANGLING)

Daddy, there is light!

And the title of the sermon tonight will be:

"We have beat our swords into ploughshares", and the beat goes on.

ALL: Swing it, Daddy! Oh, oh, oh, oh.

♪ Daddy started out in San Francisco

♪ Tootin' on his trumpet, loud and mean

♪ Suddenly a voice said "Go forth, Daddy, ♪ "Spread the picture on a wider screen"

♪ And the voice said "Daddy, there's a million pigeons

♪ "Waitin' to be hooked on new religions

♪ "Hit the road, Daddy, leave your common-law wife

♪ "Spread the religion of the rhythm of life"

♪ And the rhythm of life is a powerful beat

♪ Puts a tingle in your fingers and a tingle in your feet

♪ Rhythm in your bedroom, rhythm in the street

♪ Yes, the rhythm of life is a powerful beat

♪ To feel the rhythm of life

♪ To feel the powerful beat

♪ To feel the tingle in your fingers

♪ To feel the tingle in your feet

♪ Daddy, go

♪ Go, go, go

♪ Tell them everything you know

♪ Daddy spread the gospel in Milwaukee

♪ Took his walkie-talkie to Rocky Ridge

♪ Blew his way to Canton, then to Scranton

♪ Till he landed under the Manhattan Bridge

♪ Daddy was a new sensation, got himself a congregation

♪ Built up quite an operation down below

♪ With the pie-eyed piper blowing, while the Muscatel was flowing

♪ All the cats were go-go-going ♪ Down below!

♪ Daddy was a new sensation

♪ Got himself a congregation

♪ Built up quite an operation down below

♪ With the pie-eyed piper blowing

♪ While the Muscatel was flowing

♪ All the cats were go-go-going

♪ Down below

♪ Flip your wings and fly to Daddy

♪ Flip your wings and fly to Daddy

♪ Flip your wings and fly to Daddy

♪ Fly, fly, fly to Daddy

♪ Take a dive and swim to Daddy

♪ Take a dive and swim to Daddy

♪ Take a dive and swim to Daddy

♪ Swim, swim, swim to Daddy

♪ Hit the floor and crawl to Daddy

♪ Hit the floor and crawl to Daddy

♪ Hit the floor and crawl to Daddy

♪ Crawl, crawl, crawl to Daddy

♪ Flip your wings ♪ Fly.

♪ Flip your wings ♪ Fly.

♪ Flip your wings ♪ Fly.

♪ Flip, fly

♪ Flip, fly

♪ Flip, fly, flip, fly

♪ Flip, fly, flip, fly, flip, fly, flip, fly

♪ Take a dive ♪ Swim.

♪ Take a dive ♪ Swim.

♪ Take a dive ♪ Swim.

♪ Swim, yeah, swim

♪ Swim ♪ Swim

♪ Swim, swim, swim, swim, swim ♪ To Daddy!

Daddy? Yeah?

Er... Daddy? Uh-huh?

Oooh, Daddy!

Hit the floor!

Crawl to Daddy! Hit the floor!

Crawl to Daddy! Hit the floor!

Crawl to Daddy!

Hit the floor and... Crawl to Daddy!

DADDY: Aaaaaaaah! ALL: Crawl to Daddy!

Crawl to Daddy! Crawl! Crawl! Crawl to Daddy!

(ALL SINGING WORDLESSLY)

♪ Doobi-doobi-doobi-doobi-do ♪ Sing-a-ding-a-ding-a-dad'n

♪ Doobi-doobi-doobi-doobi-do ♪ Split it, split it, split it

♪ Doobi-doobi-doobi-doobi-do ♪ Sing-a-ding-a-ding-a-did'n

♪ Doobi-doobi-doobi-doobi-doobi-doobi-do

♪ And the rhythm of life is a powerful beat

♪ Puts a tingle in your fingers and a tingle in your feet

♪ Rhythm in your bedroom, rhythm in the street

♪ Yes, the rhythm of life is a powerful beat

♪ To feel the rhythm of life

♪ To feel the powerful beat

♪ To feel the tingle in your fingers

♪ To feel the tingle in your feet

♪ Daddy, go

♪ Go, go, go

♪ Tell them everything you know

♪ To feel the rhythm of life

♪ To feel the powerful beat

♪ To feel the tingle in your fingers

♪ To feel the tingle in your...

♪ Flip your wings and fly to your Daddy

♪ Take a dive and swim to your Daddy

♪ Hit the floor and crawl to Daddy

♪ Daddy, we've got the rhythm of life

♪ Of life, of life, of life ♪ Yeah! Yeah!

Lemme hear it! Yeah!

Sock it to me! Yeah!

Let it all hang out! Yeah!

Gather round.

Yeah, this is where it's all happenin', babies.

"The Rhythm of Life", number seven in the top ten religions.

But we're gonna climb to number one, Big Daddy.

I'm hip, baby. But dig.

Time is runnin' out on that big I. called Life.

And the greatest disc jockey of 'em all is gonna come and take us by the hand, and lead us to the flip side of Life called Eternity.

Eternity!

That big coffee break in the sky.

Yeah, but before we groove that final date, before we head for that last eight bars, we gotta make our peace!

Make it, Daddy. Make it, Daddy. Make it, Daddy.

You know I'm gonna make it!

And I want you cats to listen to everything I'm gonna lay on ya as of this point.

Number one!

Thou shalt dig thy neighbour as thou wouldst have him dig thee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Number two!

Thou shall not put down thy mamas and thy papas!

No, no, no, no.

Number three! Thou shall not swing with another cat's chick.

No, no, no, no.

Number four!

Thou shall not blow thy minds on school nights and national holidays.

They're a very devout group. Where'd you ever find them?

Oh, I'm on a mailing list. It's a Church of the Month club.

And last! Come here.

But not least.

Thou shall not indulge thyselves in the evil marijuana weed, commonly known as pot, grass, Mary Jane, (SNIFFING) Acapulco Gold, as it is sinful.

It is harmful!

It's also very expensive!

(SIREN)

So I suggest, if anybody's holdin', drop it before the fuzz arrives.

Love, babies.

Love, Daddy.

Yeah.

(ECHOING FOOTSTEPS)

Are they gone?

Hey, you're shaking. I'm scared to death.

Don't... Don't... Don't worry. I'm right here beside you.

So just... just relax, and be scared all you want to.

Thank you. I will.

Hey, you know something?

I don't mind being scared with you.

I mean, when you've got somebody you can depend on, that you know will be there all the time to take care of ya, then you can afford to be scared.

I never had a somebody like that before.

I've never had anybody depend on me before.

-(DOOR CLOSING) I think they're gone.

You know what I wish?

I wish we could stay like this forever.

Oh, do you, Oscar?

You... You're the first girl I ever met that I ever trusted, and believed in.

And...

And my whole right side is going to sleep.

Wait. I'll scrunch down.

How's that?

Oh, Oscar, I'm gonna tell you something about me that I don't think you'll like.

Couldn't be anything about you I wouldn't like.

Remember I told... I told you I w... worked in a bank?

A... A bank in Brooklyn?

What about that bank in Brooklyn?

We just raised our interest rates.

Hey! What's the matter?

Hey, did you hear what I said?

I said I wish we could stay in here forever.

D-Did you hear me say that? Well, look where we are!

In a small, tight place of the type I'm usually scared to death to be in, but I'm not.

I like it! I... I don't have claustrophobia anymore.

I'm cured! You cured me. I did? How?

I don't know, but it's gone!

For the first time in my life.

It's gone! It's gone!

Gone, gone, gone!

OSCAR: ♪ Here was a man With no dream and no plan

♪ Then one lonely night I found Sweet Charity

♪ You make life fun for me

♪ Oh, what it's done for me

♪ Having you around, Sweet Charity

♪ Warm words I've never said lately

♪ Pop off the top of my head

♪ It's incredible

♪ Suddenly I'm the guy

♪ I never dared to be

♪ Watch me touch the sky quite easily

♪ 80 if you are free, Sweet Charity

♪ Please belong to me, Sweet Charity

♪ Please belong to me

♪ Sweet Charity

♪ Sweet Charity, please belong to me

♪ Sweet Charity, please belong to me

♪ Sweet Charity, please belong to me

♪ Sweet Charity, please belong to me, please

♪ Please ♪ Please?

Charity, I'd just about given up ever finding anybody like you.

I mean, the world's gone crazy. Every... Everything's all mixed up.

I mean, the old standards of decency and... and morality, they don't seem to mean anything anymore.

When I see the way the girls at the office are passed around, and... the jokes they tell about them are... well, I get sick, Charity.

Most people would laugh if I told 'em that.

I'm not laughing, Oscar.

From... From the moment we first met, I... I knew you were different.

I... I just knew, like the way I knew you worked in a bank.

Oscar, listen, there's something... And I knew that you believed in the same things I did. Things like... like...

innocence,and".and".and...

Try "purity".

Does that sound corny? No.

Well, yeah, maybe it is.

But... But that's the way I...

That's the way I always pictured it would be.

The way it had to be.

No-one else seems to think those things are important anymore, but... that's why you're a very Sp... special person, Charity.

Charity?

Charity?

(COINS BEING INSERTED)

TAXI DANCERS: ♪ Do you wanna have

♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪ C'mere, cowboy, I wanna tell ya somethin'.

A little secret between you and me. ♪ How's about a few ♪ How's about it, palsie? ♪ Laughs, laughs Hey, mister, do you speak Spanish? ♪ I can show you a

♪ Good time ♪

(INAUDIBLE)


-(AUDIBLE THUMP) Hey, what's the big idea?

HERMAN: Excuse me, Miss Valentine, but your escort has just shelled out six-fifty to dance with you, and I do not see you dancin'.

Who dances? You defend yourself to music!

Now, Miss Valentine... You wanna know somethin', Herman?

I don't like it here anymore.

So I'm givin' you my two weeks notice, as of two weeks ago.

This is not a nice place!

Charity?

Hey, Charity, listen...

Hey, baby?

Charity? Hey!

CHARITY: I'm up here.

Boy, oh boy, am I sick and tired of that musical snake pit down there.

Well, what's so bad about it? I mean, you dance a little, talk a little, roll your eyes a little, swivel your hips a little.

CHARITY: Just like that, you can kill a lifetime.

How are things going with the goofball?

Who? You know, the hand kisser.

Him? Who needs him? I don't need him.

I don't need anybody, and, if I needed anybody, -it sure wouldn't be him. She's nuts about him.

It's no good.

He thinks I work in a bank.

NICKIE: 80? Let him!

Oh, he trusts me. He believes in me.

I gotta tell him the truth.

I gotta tell him who I am, what I do, all of it.

That much truth ain't good for nobody.

CHARITY: I shoulda have told him before, but... oh, he's just the nicest thing that ever happened to me, and I wanted it to last as long as it could.

Now wait a minute, lemme get this straight.

You're gonna tell him you lied to him?

HELENE: You're gonna tell him you been working in this dump for eight years?

Yup.

NICKIE: You're gonna tell him about Frank, and Charlie and...

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Charity, I gotta hand it to you.

You are an extremely honest, open... and stupid broad.

Yup.

(DOOR AUDIBLY CLOSING)

Charity, what...

Sit down, Oscar.

Aren't you going to sit with me?

I have some very important things to say to you, and... if I have to look in your eyes, I'll never be able to say them.

You alone, miss? She's with me.

Charity, I was asleep when you called. I'm still in my pyjamas. Look.

Don't look at me!

Oscar...

I don't now, I never have,, and I probably never, ever will...

-work in a bank. Oh.

I don't even have a bank account anymore, and whatever money I do have, I keep in an empty jar of instant coffee.

Oh. You know how I earn that money, Oscar?

You're a dance hall hostess.

I'm a dance hall hostess. I work in a cheap dance hall.

And I dance with strange men, and I drink with them, and, sometimes... sometimes...

Hey, how did you know?

Well, when you left me in the phone booth, I ran outside looking for you, and I just saw someone. I thought it was you, and I followed her, and she went into that... that place.

And then I knew it wasn't you.

Except I saw the photographs outside, and it was you.

I didn't go in. I couldn't.

I went home.

I tried to hate you, Charity.

I tried very hard.

But...

I couldn't. I just couldn't hate you.

Yeah, well, maybe you'll have better luck tonight when I get finished tellin' ya the rest of it.

It's not important.

Not important?!

What do you mean, "not important"? What about all those things you said?

Look, Charity... Don't look at me!

Charity, I know what I said.

But I just can't let you get away. You have to marry me.

Oscar, I've gotta tell you everything!

I don't care what you are, or what you've done.

If you only knew.

If you only knew... All those guys...

All those guys that...

(SOBBING)

Charity, don't cry. Please, don't cry. I believe you.

I know you believe me! I'm cryin' about that other part!

What other part? That marryin' part!

I didn't hear it the first time!

(SOBBING)

Excuse me, sport.

Marry me?

Oscar!

You're not just makin' fun of me, are ya?

Because askin' a girl to marry her is one of her most sensitive areas.

And you really shouldn't say it if you don't mean it.

I mean, you can seriously hurt a person, kiddin' around like that.

To tell you the truth, Oscar, I don't think I could stand another injury of that nature.

You know, for the first time, I'm happy.

I mean, really happy inside! And it's all because of you!

Oh... Don't look at me!

I can get pretty emotional too, you know.

Give me your hand.

Charity, you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna get out of this city.

Oh, I'd like that. We'll move to the country.

I'd like that. New Jersey, maybe.

We'll open a nursery, and greenhouse.

Grow flowers. You'd like that.

The important thing is to forget about the past. I've forgot it. I've forgot it.

Because it's not important. It's just not important. It isn't.

We won't discuss it anymore.

We won't even think about it. Especially not think about it.

No, we won't think about it.

I mean, a lot of men couldn't do that, Charity, but not me.

No, not you. I swear I'll... I'll never mention it again as long as I live.

I'd like that.

Because...

I need you, Charity.

I need you... and I love you.

Besides, it's about time I got married, anyway.

I'm 34 years old.

He loves... me. Did you know that the odds are 785...

Someone loves me.

Someone loves me!

Some... one... loves... me!

Some... one... loves... me! ECHO: Some... one... loves... me!

(APPLAUSE)

♪ Somebody loves me

♪ My heart is beating so fast

♪ All kinds of music

♪ Is pouring out of me

♪ Somebody loves me

♪ At last

♪ Now

♪ I'm a brass band, I'm a harpsichord

♪ I'm a clarinet

♪ I'm the Philadelphia Orchestra

♪ I'm the Modern Jazz Quartet

♪ I'm the band from Macy's Big Parade

♪ A wild Count Basie blast

♪ I'm the bells of St Peter's in Rome

♪ I'm tissue paper on a comb

♪ And all kinds of music

♪ Is pouring out of me

♪ 'Cause somebody loves me at last


♪ Somebody loves me

(BRASS BAND STRIKES UP)


MUSICIANS: ♪ She's a brass band, she's a harpsichord

♪ She's a clarinet

♪ She's the Philadelphia Orchestra

♪ The Modern Jazz Quartet


♪ She's a brass band, she's a harpsichord

♪ She's a clarinet ♪ That's me!

♪ She's the Philadelphia Orchestra

♪ She's the Modern Jazz Quartet

♪ She's the band from Macy's Big Parade

♪ A wild Count Basie blast

♪ She's the bells of St Peter's in Rome

♪ She's tissue paper on a comb

♪ Somebody loves me ♪

At last!

(DRUM SOLO)


Oh, look, you don't have to come in.

No, it's all right. It's all right.

I'll just be a few minutes. That's all right. Fine, just fine.

Hey, anybody in there?

Oh, it's you. Herman, what's going' on?

How come you're closed?

Ah, business stinks. I sent everybody home.

Aw, but I called Nickie and Helene and I told 'em I was comin' by...

Hey, you heard the news? I'm tyin' the knot, Herman.

I'm gettin' spliced! I'm gettin' hitched!

Oh, yeah, I heard. Look.

This is him. This is the one.

Oscar Lindquist, this is Herman, affectionately known as "Der fuhrer".

How do you do? Right.

Well, I got some work to do. Wait, wait.

I gotta get some things out of my locker.

Okay, but don't take none of the hangers.

Every time a girl leaves here, she always takes all the hangers.

CHARITY: He's kind of gruff on the outside, but inside, he's really a very rotten person.

Herman, would ya turn on a light? HERMAN: You should know the way by now.

Eight years of your life you spend in a place, and nobody even cares enough to turn on a light.

EVERYONE: Surprise!

We really fooled ya, huh?

You didn't think we'd let ya get away without givin' ya a party?

Oh, you shouldn't have! You just shouldn't have!

I told you we shouldn't have! -(EVERYONE LAUGHING)

(PARTY HORNS BLOWING)

Everybody, everybody, that's him! That's the one!

This is Mr Oscar Lindquist!

Now, Oscar, this is Nickie and Helene. Remember I told you so much about 'em?

HERMAN: All right, folks!

And now, through the courtesy of the hostesses here at the Fandango Ballroom...

(CHEERING) in cooperation with the waiters...

(CHEERING)

Chet, the bouncer... -(CHEERING)

Irving, the cop...

(BOOING) and our three regular customers since 1949...

(LOUD CHEERING)

-we present... -(PARTY HORNS BLOWING)

A seventeen-dollar cake!

"Happy Birthday, Angelo"?

You couldn't get a new cake, ya Cheapskate?

That's all they had on such short notice.

No, no, no! It's the sentiment that counts.

I thank you, and Oscar thanks you, and Angelo thanks you.

You know somethin', pal?

For a broad, she's got a lotta class! -(AUDIBLE SLAP)

Hey, somebody get Mr Whatsits a beer.

The present, the present!

Charity Hope Valentine, we who have lived with you, undressed with you, suffered the indignities of this crummy joint with you.

We who have come to know you, and to love you, on this, your nuptial eve...

Shut up! MAN: Get it over with.

We just wanna wish you... My God, I think I'm gonna cry.

HELENE: No! Will ya quit slobberin' all over the cake?

Get down! Let me do it! Stop it, now!

Charity, honey, we just wanted to...

God, we're gonna miss you, girl!

I'll give it to her. I'm the one that picked it out, anyway.

Charity, please accept this gift as a token of our estimation.

HERMAN: I hope it's a nice gift. I wonder what...

What the hell kind of a wedding present is that?

I thought she was pregnant. Isn't that why she's getting married?

It's the nicest, nicest wedding present I ever got.

Attagirl!

All right, folks.

You know it ain't often that one of our group goes off to marry a nice, respectable guy.

As a matter of fact, this is the first time it's ever happened.

(LAUGHTER)

So in honour of our own blushing bride-to-be, Miss Charity Valentine, I would like to say... -(GROANING)

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Gee!

♪ It's tough for a loudmouthed mug like me

♪ Who all the time bellows like a bull

(LOWING NOISES)

♪ To make with the words about the missus-to-be

♪ When what you think is an empty heart is full

♪ Tomorrow, when you say "I do"

♪ I'll die

♪ I'm almost too ashamed

♪ To tell you why

♪ I...

♪ Love to cry at weddings

♪ How I love to cry at weddings

♪ I walk into a chapel and get happily hysterical

♪ The ushers and attendants

♪ The family dependents

♪ I see them, and I start to sniff

♪ "Have you an extra handkerchief?"

♪ And all through the service

♪ While the bride and groom look nervous

♪ Tears of joy are streaming

♪ Down my face ALL: ♪ Do-own his face

♪ I love to cry at weddings

♪ Anybody's wedding ALL: ♪ Anytime, anywhere, anyplace

♪ I always weep at weddings

♪ I'm a soggy creep at weddings

♪ Oh, what's so sweet and sloppy as

♪ "Oh, promise me", and all that jazz

♪ The man you rest your head with

♪ The man you share your bed with

♪ Is married to you so you know

♪ He won't jump up and dress and blow

♪ I could marry Herman ♪ And be permanently sorry

♪ We would make a really lousy pair

♪ But, gee, I want a wedding

♪ Any kind of wedding ALL: ♪ Anytime, anyplace, anywhere

♪ And all through the service

♪ While the bride and groom look nervous

♪ Tears of joy are streaming down my face

♪ I love to cry at weddings

♪ Anybody's wedding

♪ Anytime, anywhere HERMAN: ♪ Anyplace ALL: ♪ Doodle-le-do

♪ I love to cry at weddings

♪ How I love to cry at weddings

♪ I walk into a chapel

♪ And get happily hysterical

♪ The ushers and attendants

♪ The family dependents

♪ I see them and I start to sniff

♪ "Have you an extra handkerchief?"

♪ And all through the service

♪ While the bride and groom look nervous

(LAUGHTER)

HERMAN: ♪ I drink champagne

♪ And sing Sweet Adeline

♪ Ha ha ha ha ♪ (SUSTAINED HIGH NOTE)

♪ I love to cry

♪ At weddings

♪ Anybody's wedding

♪ Just as long as it's not mine! ♪ Okay, everybody, the food is on me!

(PIANO PLAYING)


Hey, Johnny. Lindquist. Oscar Lindquist.

Yeah, you just make sure you treat her right. You get me?

Yes, of course.

'Cause she's entitled, I mean, really entitled.

If I was to list for you all the rotten deals that sweet, stupid, hard-luck dame's been dealt...

If I was to tell you... There's no need, really.

Oh, yeah, that's right. You know all about it.

Well, frankly, I was dead set against her telling ya anything.

But it seems you're a saint.

I mean, she tells you everything, and you say it doesn't matter, right?

That's right.

Say it again.

Oh ho ho! She hasn't been makin' a pitch for herself, has she?

Well, he's taken.

Hold this for me, would ya? I'll be right back.

Well? Well...

Well.

(SOBBING)

It can happen, though, you see?

You just gotta keep hopin'. That's the important thing.

I mean, miracles do happen.

CHARITY: Everybody, so long! ALL: Bye, Charity!

♪ I love to cry at weddings

♪ Anybody's wedding

♪ Anytime, anyplace

♪ Anywhere

♪ I love to cry at weddings

♪ How I love to cry at weddings

♪ I walk into a chapel, and get happily hysterical

♪ The ushers and attendants ♪ -(BALLOON POPPING)

♪ The family dependents

♪ I see them, and I start to sniff

♪ "Have you an extra handkerchief?"

♪ And all through the service

♪ While the bride and groom look nervous

♪ Tears of joy are streamin'

♪ Down my face ♪ Do-own his face

♪ I love

♪ To cry at weddings

♪ Anybody's wedding HERMAN: ♪ Anytime ALL: ♪ Anytime HERMAN: ♪ Anywhere ALL: ♪ Anywhere HERMAN: ♪ Anyplace ALL: ♪ Anyplace ♪

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

(WEDDING PARTY LAUGHING)


-(CHARITY LAUGHING) Did... Didn't you see the Sign?

"Please do not throw any rice in the halls or on the stairs."

That's because one out of every 42 accidents occurs in a public building.

Oh. I'll be careful.

Look.

Ya like it?

Yeah, it's, er...

It's, er... It caught my eye, you know.

And you, and your flowers, and everything.

Oh.

You don't like it? No, I... I do, I do.

It's-it's-it's very... flowery.

Boy, there sure are a lot of questions here.

Okay, name:

"Charity Hope Valentine."

Soon to become Mrs Oscar Lindquist!

Age... Yeah, what the hell?

Heck.

Place of birth: New York.

"New York, New York."

Identifying marks? What are they?

You know, scars, birthmarks, tattoos.

Oh. "Tattoo."

I'm gonna have it taken off, Oscar, you know.

Occupation: "Unemployed."

It hurts like crazy, they say, but you can have 'em taken off.

Charity...

Yeah?

Okay, finished. Your turn.

Boy, I'll tell ya, I didn't care too much for the first half of my life, but the second half sure is gettin' good!

(To “ HERE COMES THE BRIDE“) ♪ Da dum da-dum, dum dum da-dum ♪

Charity, I can't go through with it.

♪ Dum dum da-dum ♪ Did you hear what I said, Charity? I can't marry you.

(SLOWER) ♪ Dum dum da-dum... ♪ You're nervous, aren't ya, Oscar?

You know, it's perfectly natural for the groom to be nervous and...

I can't do it.

Is this a joke?

(CHUCKLING) Is this a joke, Oscar?

'Cause if this is a joke, it's a very rotten joke.

Oh, this isn't a joke!

Nobody would joke about a thing like this.

Is it a joke?

I know what it is! It's this stupid dress!

Oh, me and my rotten, crummy taste.

Why don't we go out and get me another dress, and this time you pick it out, okay?

It's not the dress. It's not the dress?

It's the way I talk, isn't it?

I know. I know that sometimes I say those dumb things.

You know, but if I went to night school, in no time at all...

Oh, Charity, it's not you. It's me.

What are you trying to tell me? I don't know how to explain it.

Well, try, Oscar. Holy mackerel, please try.

Charity, I have this thing, this mental block.

What? 80? There's a lot of that goin' around.

A stupid, childish, insane fixation.

Now, I... I know it's wrong.

I know it's not what a person's done, it... it's what's inside.

But I can't help it. Did you hear that?

I know it's wrong, and I can't help it.

I got... I got an idea.

Let's you and me go ahead and get married, and then, afterward... we'll talk about your fixation, okay?

Wouldn't do any good. It's all those other men.

Huh? The other men.

Oh, Oscar, you said that didn't matter. You said that didn't make any...

I thought, if I said it enough, I could convince myself that it didn't matter.

But it... it does.

Oh!

You know, Oscar, you're just makin' a mountain

-out of a couple of guys... How many?

H -Huh? ow many?!

I want to know exactly how many! But Oscar, don't talk like that in that tone of voice, because I can't think.

How many?

Well, how far back do you want me to go?

Oh, God. I'm a terrible person. I have no right asking you things like that.

Oh, no. Oh, Oscar. You can ask me any question you want.

I won't hide a thing. You don't understand.

I don't want to know. I don't want to know anything.

Okay, then you get nothin' out of me. Nothin' out of me.

I'm... I'm very flexible, you know. I can go either way.

You're better off without me, Charity. I'm doing you a favour.

Oscar. Oscar!

Oscar! We could be so happy together.

You know, growing flowers in New Jersey.

And, you know, on days when your mental block was botherin' you, you could stay in bed, and I'd grow the flowers.

(WEDDING PARTY LAUGHTER)

Oscar.

Oscar, listen.

I could change the way I talk, and I could change the way I dress, you know.

But there's certain things a person can't change because they're history.

And you can't change history, Oscar, no matter how much you want to.

Oh, Charity...

Oscar, I got so much to give. Please, let me give it to you.

Charity, I'm saving you. I'm saving you from me.

Don't save me.

Marry me.

Don't beg, Charity.

You're too good to beg to anyone.

Oscar, hey, you know, we don't have to get married if you don't want to.

I mean, we could just, er... you know, be together.

Don't you understand? I would destroy you.

But that's okay.

I'm not doing much now, anyway.

Oh, God.

Forgive me.

Please forgive me.

I forgive you.

I forgive...


CHARITY: ♪ Where am I going, and What Will I find?

♪ What's in this grab bag that I call my mind?

♪ What am I doing, alone on the shelf?

♪ Ain't it a shame?

♪ No-one's to blame but myself

♪ Which way is clear?

♪ When you've lost your way

♪ Year after year

♪ Do I keep falling in love

♪ For just the kick of it

♪ Staggering through the thin and thick of it

♪ Hating each old and tired trick of it?

♪ Know what I am, I'm good and sick of it

♪ Where am I going?

♪ Why do I care?

♪ Run to the Bronx

♪ Or Washington Square

♪ No matter Where I run

♪ I meet myself there

♪ Looking inside me

♪ What do I see?

♪ Anger and hope and doubt

♪ What am I all about, and where am I going? ♪

(INSERTING COINS)

(DIALING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Yeah?

Hey, it's the old married lady!

(EXCITED CHATTERING)

Hi, baby, it's me. How'd it go? - Nickie...

What are you doin' callin' here? You must have better things to do.

Nickie, I wanna talk to ya.

Oh, you oughta hear her. She's all choked up.

Charity, I can't tell ya how happy all of us are for ya.

We've been doin' nothin' else but talkin' about it all day.

Tell us about the ceremony. It must have been beautiful.

And talk loud, 'cause we're all listenin'.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, it... it was beautiful.

It was beautiful, just like in the movies.

Did he give you a nice ring? Did he carry you over the threshold?

Did he hang out a "do not disturb" Sign? Ssh! I can't hear.

Oh, yeah, oh yeah, he did all those things.

Just like in the movies, you know?

Well, put the groom on. We wanna hear his side!

Oh...

Well, I can't. He can't, you know.

We promise we won't say nothin' dirty.

We just wanna say "good luck". Put him on!

Okay, just... just a second.

Honey? Um... the girls wanna say "good luck", you know?

He says... he says he, er... he can't. He's shavin', you know.

(MOUTHING SILENTLY)

Are you happy, baby? Are you finally happy?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm finally happy.

I hope so. Listen, don't talk to us no more.

Any man who's shaving means business! -(ALL LAUGHING)

So long, baby, and thanks for callin'.

It meant a lot you thinkin' about us at a time like this.

Hey, listen, and if the first one's a girl, you can call it Nickie.

If it's a boy, you can call it Nicky. So long, baby!

ALL: Bye! Bye!

(THEY HANG UP)

♪ Looking inside me

♪ What do I see?

♪ Anger, and hope, and doubt

♪ What am I all about?

♪ And where am I going? ♪

(SNIFFLING) You tell me.


(SPLASHING)

(ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING)

Good morning. Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.


Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Morning.

Love.

Love. Love.

Love. Love.

Love.


Good morning.

Good morning.