Swimming with Men (2018) Script

2 00:00:13,565 --> 00:00:16,025 (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)



Please stand well clear of the edge.



All change.





Morning. Morning.

Good morning. Morning.

Morning. Morning.










You are in such shit, man.

Dad. You're in such shit, dad.

By the way, you stink of chlorine.

And you stink of drugs.

Do I, actually?




Thank you very much.

So is mum an MP now?

She's a local councilor.


Come on.

Who is that? It's her boss.

Dr. Joseph Goebbels. Hmm. A doctor. Cool.


Whoa! Where are you going?

What's the matter? Are you scared of being alone?


Lovely do, isn't it? Thank you.

I have to see my wife. Oh, you're the numbers man.

So, how long have you been an accountant?

Three hundred years.

I always wanted to do something like that myself but I just..


I bet you're a whizz at Sudoku.


Where were you? I called you.

Oh, shit, did you? "Oh, shit, did you?"

I know you think local politics is pointless.

I didn't say that. Jesus, Eric, I got elected.

Do you know what that means to me?

I just thought it was your night.

And you're my husband.

And I really wanted you to be here.

To share it with me.



Morning. Morning.


Morning. Morning.


Morning. Morning.


Morning, Eric. Morning, Michael.

How are the numbers?

They fend off the chaos, Michael.

They fend off the chaos.

(CHUCKLES) Lovely stuff.




Hello. Oh, Eric.

How does it feel to be a newly elected council member?


A tad nervous, I'll admit.

It's a big meeting.


How are you feeling?

Eric? Oh, I'm fine, yeah.

So what's it like to have the power to influence the lives...

Why are you being weird?

I'm not being weird, I just wanted...

To apologize, maybe?

What? I'd better go.

You'd better go, had you? Busy, are you?

Why don't I call your assistant and see if she can pencil a date in your diary?

I... it's just that I need to concentrate.

Look, I know what this is. Can we speak later?

There's someone else, isn't there?

What? You're seeing someone else.

It's Lewis.

(SIGHS) Eric, please.

He fancies you. Anyone can see it.

Tell me you don't fancy him.

God, you're disappointing.

Disappointing? It's my first day, Eric.

Why can't you just... Leave? Hmm?

Morning! Oh, morning!

Who is that? Listen, can we..

Can we not do this right now? Is it the sex?

Jesus, Eric! I really can't.. What is it?

Am I not satisfying you? Ugh!

Because we used to have great sex.

Seriously, Eric! Mind blowing.

Do you remember when we used to.. Oh!

Has your mum had that new extension done, Stewart?







For the love of Christ. Come on, guys, what is this?

We can do better than this.

Seven types of curly shite, that's what that is.

To paraphrase The Bard.


Something funny?

Yo, say it to my face, that.

Focus, Tom. Yeah, I am, on those...

Tom! Guys, let's try it again.



Flap your arms one more time. Oh. Stop.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. This is godawful.

It's them lads. I lost my flow.

What flow? There is no flow.

Look, if you're at the right angle I can't get around to get me leg over.

It's not your wife you're talking to.

The move, the move's overcomplicated.

It's not that, Kurt. N... not just that, Luke.

The fact that we're hopeless isn't helping.

The fact it's all hopeless, in fact. Here we go.

Life is meaningless. Yours is.

You just have to get used to it.

It's... it's gonna have to get into our muscle memory.

No. It's a fitness issue.

It's a practice issue.

Actually, it's... it's a, a numbers issue.

If your aim is to rotate as a single unit then you have to have perfect symmetry and what's happening to you at the moment, is you are collapsing in the middle because you don't have a pivot, you don't have an apex variable.

And an Audi convertible.

What's... what's a, what's a.. What's an apex?

A variable. It's a point around which other points can move.

The key thing is you have to have even numbers.

Always preferable for fluid movement.

What are you, a synchro swimmer or on a spectrum?

Kurt, come on. Oh.

I'm an accountant.

It's just maths. Most things are, ultimately.

Spectrum. Ignore... ignore him.

Alright, j... just show us, show us what you mean.


What are you doing on mum's phone?

H... how bad?

Billy? I... I'll come down. Um, I have to go.

Wait, wait, yeah. Hold on a minute.

Excuse me. Hold up.

If you want the move to work, you'll have to lose a man.


Is she okay?

Oh. Eric!

I got here as quick as I could.

He said you were sick. You were drunk and lying on the floor.

What? Have you been sick?

No. No. You do look a bit pale.

Alright. I'm here now.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Here we are. Use that.


Maybe I've been a bit.. Hello, Eric.

H... Heather and I were just discussing the closure of a couple of local libraries.

How much there is to do if we were to work with these cuts.


What are you doing?




I'm very pleased that the two of you are saving the libraries, the... the... the schools the, the whatever it is that you superheroes do nowadays down at the local council.

I should be going. No, no, no. Eric, calm down.

Let me tell you this. You can do it with your own bloody wine.

Actually, I brought that one.


Did you hit him?

Why not? Because there are other ways.

Like taking their wine? It is one of them, yes.

He knows he can't mess with me, Billy. He knows it.


Here you are, mate. What? Are you serious?

Thank you. Thank you. Hey, you're a star.

How long will you be staying with us, sir?

One night.


What can I get you? A gin and tonic, please.



And follow that up with another double.

And then, after that another one.



Ever punched a man?

Who hasn't?


Heather? Heather, I know you're in there.

I'm making a complaint about the buses.

They're shit. Oh.

Come out!


Come out of my house.

Where are you?

Goebbels! Dad! What are you doing?

Come out!


Yay! It's dad.

Are you drunk? No, I'm not drunk.

I.. It's bad for you and it's expensive.


Shh! There she is.

Hey, where is he? I'm gonna punch him.

I'm not scared of him. I'm not.

You're scared of everything. That's why you left.

I did not leave. You pushed me out of my house.

Oh, please.

What's happening with you, Eric?

It's like you're not you anymore.

I don't even know whether you still love me.

Do you?

Do you love me?

Can you say you love me?

Can you say anything?

Bring him out.

I'll show you what I can say.






Let yourself be guided.




Were you.. Shh.


Don't fight it, Eric.



Listen to the rhythm, Eric.

And let yourself go.






We've had a chat.

And we're all agreed. Agreed on what?

It's not just any Dickhead Dave off the street can join this club.

Right? There are rules. Who said anything about...

You should know that this club isn't just a club.

It's an idea. A protest.

A protest? Against the end of dreams.

Against the meaninglessness of life.

Against who we've become.

Against the rising price of lager.

We couldn't help noticing a certain, um, kinship.

Why would you think that?

We, uh, saw you necking the hard stuff.

A young man in his 20s does that, he's probably having fun.

I mean, a man in his 40s is in some trouble.

Are we right?

As it happens, my wife and I are very happy.

No one mentioned your wife.

We've all had our moments at the bottom of the pool, Eric.

That's why we set this up.

It's a place to forget the world.

To escape the callous judgments and the petty rivalries.

The pressure of home, the disappointments, the..

The tyranny of aging.

What? How old are you?

This apex wotsit..

You say we need an even number.

But we needn't be one less.

We could be one more. Oh!

That was implicit, Colin.

That's why he.. Sort of ruined the moment.

No, I didn't ruin the moment, I... I was in the moment.

So, chaps.. I felt the drama.

Training next Thursday? Eighteenth, right?


Morning, Eric. Morning.







Ahh! Oh!




I can't, I can't do this, my legs keep sinking.

Don't beat yourself up.

The art of floating remains a mystery.

That eludes even the seasoned pro.

Though with the aid of a merely one single finger..

There we go.

I'm floating.



I'm glad you could join us.

Sorry, but Brian is having a meltdown.

You're lucky I'm here at all.

It's all in the legs, Eric.

Don't. Look at me.

Right foot over. Left foot over.

Over, over. Over, over. Easy.

Like a Ronaldo step over. But in reverse.

Why didn't you say so?

Colin only deals with football metaphors.

Did you know he used to play for Crystal Palace?

Youth team.

And keep your head erect, and, above... above the..

...surface of the water.

You'll notice, Eric, that the body position is vertical from the head to the hips.

Yeah. That is, of course, unless your name is Ted.

Shut it.




Why can't you take this seriously, huh? Bloody kids.

What do you mean? He splashed me first.

Yeah. And I'll splash you again.

Ah! Ha-ha-ha!


Look, he's got it.

The eggbeater. Have a look.

Yeah, that's it.

Eric, you're a natural.




Rule one.

"No one talks about swim club."

What goes in the pool, stays in the pool.

Rule two?

Rule two, "For one hour a week, we swim together as a unit for each other."

All reasonable endeavor should be made to ensure attendance.

Rule three, "Your private life is that.

Leave it at the door."

No asking, no telling.

Rule four.

"The Club shall actively promote the sport as a doping-free activity."


Rule five..

"We're as strong as our weakest member."

That is strong enough.

I wondered where I fitted in.


Any thoughts?

On? On Peechee.

Any thoughts on Peechee?

Um, yes. Good.

Why would anyone name their company Peechee?

It's not our concern.

Certainly had a good year. Uh, yes. Very.

Which is why Cassius wants to you know, change things about a bit, you know?

Tax wise. Cassius?

He's the boss. Of what?

The Roman Senate?

No, of Peechee.

And Emperor Cassius wants to move things around a bit does he?

He just wants to, you know, move his money.

Reduce the liability. Okay?

I see the missus is causing trouble?


Lovely stuff.

...and all the feet are touching in the middle.

And, in theory that should allow the structure to rotate.

Well, let's try it in the water.

Whoa! Whoo!


Bravo, lads. It's looking great.

Oh, you. Hi.

Got any notes?

Uh, yeah, okay.

Um, at the beginning, the alignment of the angles.

That's out.

And when you start that turn..

Well, you got to be in sync.

And I'm loving this new formation.

That's courtesy of our new recruit.

Eric! Congratulations.

Eric, meet Susan. She's our resident mermaid.


So, is that gonna be part of the routine?

'Cause they're really going to love that.

Yeah, I thought we'd give it a go. Yeah?

Excellent. It's really kind of you to do this.

Who's going to love what?

No, we're doing this thing, um, at a party.

It's, um, it's just a bit of fun.

Yeah, performance for Susan's family.

It's... it's a birthday.

Right, well, I'll, uh, see you there. Bye.

See you. Bye-bye. See you.

Hang on, hang on. It's not a performance, right?

We don't do performances. We're doing this for ourselves.

Right. There. Does that include me?

Of course it does. Yeah, of course it does.

You're part of the team. Yeah.

Of course, Eric, you're integral, mate.

Well, nobody said anything about...

Oh, I wouldn't worry. Just basics.

Right. Let's go, go, go.

You good?

Never better.

How many will there be... watching?

Don't even think about it.

Here comes the deck chair man.

Oh, I'd bet it's bloody freezing.

What's up with you? Worried about shrinkage, Teddy Bear?

Or accidentally drowning you.


Everything alright, Susan? Are they, uh, are they here yet?

Yeah. This is them.

Lads, this is my brother, Alan.

Hi. Hello.

But they're men. Yeah.

Why are they men? It's a chromosome thing.

I was expecting your synchronized swimming team the... the women.

Not the bloody wheat intolerant village people.

You got some front on ya, Mr. Bloody Whippy.

Alright. Easy.

Let's just crack on, shall we?

'Cause there's children waiting.



Quiet, everyone!

Sarah! Sarah, come here.



...we have got a treat for you.

What is it, Aunt Suzy, what is it?

Please welcome a male synchronized swimming team!

I thought you said.. Tell me about it.

Mickey's put on aftershave and everything.


Look, look, look, look.


Oh, Christ. Okay, focus.

I am.

On suicide.

Oh, Christ. You already said that.




This is weird.

He's... he's rubbish.



Don't swear. They're just surprised. That's all.

What's that, there? Oh! Shit! Over there!


There's a poo in the pool.

Get out, now!


Someone get it out! It's disgusting.




Quick, quick, quick!


Did you see the size of it?


It was all.. It was all party food.

It just keep coming straight at me like a little brown U-boat.


Are you sure it wasn't you?

"Oh, there's a poo in the pool!

Oh! Somebody get it out!"

Hey! What goes in the pool, stays in the pool.

The first rule of swimming club.

Eric, you were really good.

Really. Double apex.

Yay! Huh! I was okay.

Ah, you were more than okay. You all were. That was superb.

It wasn't completely useless. Can you unzip me?

Given the circs.


Bloody kids.

They don't understand art. They shit on our art.


I thought the, um, tubs were much better.

Oh, much. Good.

Good. And I thought the... the... the arm cadence was...

Yeah. Was sharper. Sharper.

I could tell you've been working.

Hey, guys! Great work.

You should be proud.

Is this guy taking the piss? Not at all.

Maybe need to work teeny bit on the technical stuff.

But, it was so nice.

Sorry, you are.. You are?

Uh, Jonas Ljungberg. I'm one of you.


When you say you're one of us..

I'm a synchro swimmer.

Oh. Right. That's a.. We met on the circuit.

Yeah, uh, Jonas is, um..

He's part of the Swedish National Team.

Oh, I thought we were the only ones.

Are you joking? There's many of us..

Italians, Czechs, uh, Japanese..

Americans. Americans.

And now, English.

You should join us in Milan, next month.

Milan? At the World Championships.


You see, I can't tell if this guy is taking the piss or not.

I'm totally serious.

Room for all sorts. Get practicing, guys.

There's a five-way battle for second place.

See you in a bit.


Who ever heard of the World Men's Synchronized Swimming Championships, anyway?

It's ridiculous. Completely ridiculous.

Unofficial. What?

The unofficial World Championships.

It's not recognized by the authorities or anything. Jelly?


Still ridiculous.

The Men's Cup.

No. Absolutely not.

Here's a thing..

I know his name is Silent Bob, but I don't know..

But I still don't know what the other guy is called.

Oh. The New Guy.

Is he new as well?

No. He's been with us for over a year now.

But I thought you said his... That's his name.

The New Guy. That's all we know.

Besides, we'll never be ready.

Well, not if it starts next month. No way.

Well, you've got a whole month. Ribena or squash?

Anyway, Brian's got plans for the both of us that weekend.

You don't even know which weekend it is.

Uh, he has plans every weekend, Luke. Every weekend, okay?

I quite fancy Milan, though, to be fair.

My mate, Cockwomble he said there's wall to wall birds out there.

Cockwomble? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He once had six women at the same time.

I thought you and Brian were no longer... What do you mean?

Well, it's none of my business...

No, it's none of your business. Eat your jelly.

Twenty-five years ago, I played in a football match.

It was the FA Youth Cup Final.

Everyone was there.

All the scouts from the biggest clubs in England.

This was the moment I was going to make it.

It was inevitable, but then..

Something went.

Hamstring? No. Something..

Something in here.

I couldn't move, I couldn't think.

Me old man couldn't even look at me.

I got the fear.

I can't go there again.

I just thought the, I thought the meat raft was a little..

Honestly, it was really good. Ragged.

Everybody thought it was good, didn't they?

Yeah. Really?

See? Yeah. Oh.

I'm really sorry about Jonas.

He doesn't mean to be rude. Why, why.. No, no. What are you saying?

He seems nice. He's.. Oh, no, no, no. No, he's nice.

He is nice, I... I like him.

Yeah, I do.

So, a... are you, are you and him, do you.. Ahem.

Do you and him, do you.. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Christ!


Anyway, uh, look, Cassius has been in touch again.

And he's very keen as am I, to get you involved.


He's interested in getting involved in that tax scheme you were talking about.

The, um.. You know, the pop star one.

Strictly speaking, it's not a tax scheme, it's tax shelter.

Must we be so pedantic? It's legal.



Eric, what do you think about Milan?

I thought you decided against it.

Yeah, I know, but..

I don't know, there's something about it that won't go away.

Or someone.. What's that supposed to mean?

Ted? Look, Luke, you know my view.

Yeah, but..

Competition will destroy the fabric of this club.

It's completely against the whole ethos.

I agree. There's a purity to it, an integrity.

Besides, imagine all those people just watching.

Will you forget about the bloody people, Colin?

It will be fine. Kurt?

So, does that mean you're in, Kurt?

You want to do this, Luke.

Why don't you just admit it?


Somebody running? Yeah, I'm well up for it.

In fact, I could be at the airport in about an hour.

How many people people do you think there will be?

Jesus, Col, come on. Just grow a pair, can't you?

Maybe it's time for us to evolve.

I mean, what's the point of a protest if nobody sees it?

I mean, you know, we'll, we'll be representing our country.

God! A lot of people, then.

Hey! We... we're going to play for England. Wow!

Oy! And Wales.

You... you're Britain. It would have to be Britain.

I mean, if we went, which we're not.

Actually, I've been, uh, working on some music for the routine.

Okay, so... so, you're up for it, aren't you, Kurt?

Assuming you are. That's cool.

Interesting. Col?

Come on, mate, I'll do it if you do it.

I mean, I could do with an answer pretty quick.

Oh, Christ!

Okay. Ted?

I'm against it.

And I want that on record.



I'm not one to stand in the way of democracy.

So, Eric.. Yeah, Eric..

Um.. No pressure.

Back off, Kurt.

To be clear..

You're asking me to contemplate a potentially thoroughly humiliating experience.

He is. In a ridiculously short time frame.

Exactly. For which I am entirely ill-equipped.

Bang on.

Gentlemen, I think you have your answer.

I'm in. What?

Excellent. Cheers for that, Eric.

Nice one, partner.

Get in.

Get him.

Got him.

Ahh, did I mention they are looking for a quick sale?


A coach. Yeah. Yeah.

We need an outside eye.

S... somebody who knows what we can do.

And knows what we can't. Yeah.

You all want to do this? Yeah.

Because you got to really, really wanna do it.

I'm talking four hours a day minimum, six days a week for four weeks.

Ninety-six hours. Weirdo.

It's gonna be tough.

And, I'm warning you, I take no prisoners.

I am gonna be tough.

You may well rue the day you ever asked me to do this.



Move it, you lazy bastards!

Pain is weakness leaving the body!

I can't feel my legs. Good!

Hang in there, mate.

My thighs are burning. Enjoy the burn.

I'm loving the burn.

Burn me!





And, go.


Hey, good trainers, mate. Cheers, mate.

Yeah. Breathable and flexible.

I've got a contact at Shoe Locker.

Oh, you mean a thief?

I mean a contact. He steals stuff.

Liberates them and gives them to the poor.

Robin Hood in Reeboks. Twat.

He's a bit of a live wire, that Tom.

I think I've got this.

Who are you calling a twat? You are a twat.

Says bloody Kurt the twat. You're a pair of twats.

And you're not a twat, I suppose?

I may well be a twat but at least I'm not the biggest twat.


Yeah, you're just the oldest twat, ain't it?

Twat. I think Eric's a twat.

How am I even involved in this?

Ah! Ooh!





Okay, fellas. We need a routine.

(SIGHS) Something that says who we are.

Well, who you are.

So, who are you?

Aching, aging alcoholics. I'll say who we are.

We're just a bunch of middle-aged men who, for various reasons want to meet up in trunks that are too small for us and make funny little patterns in a pool.


Is it? It is a start.

I mean, I'll tell you what, at least you guys don't have to wear an inch of make-up and stick on a stupid smile when you get in the pool.

You can be who you wanna be.

So who do you wanna be?

Well, we're all, uh, wilting flowers.

Oh, here we go. Well, we are.

This is just a... a move that we dabbled with.

It captures something of our dwindling powers but with a certain elegance.

We should see that in the pool then.


I'm sorry. That's me, I'm off. Getting grief from the missus?

You know how it is.

You can have my salad.

Goodbye, Ted. See you later, Teddy Bear.

See you, Ted.

Alright. Come on then, what else?

What makes you guys unique different from all these other teams?

? Oy oy oy ?

We're British.

We're British and we're proud.

Oh! Really? Yeah.

I mean, we had a great empire.

I mean, we ruled the freaking waves.


Didn't we?


Yes. This is giving me a... a ...an idea for the opening.






I'm gonna represent my country.

What do you think?

I think mum's right.

You're losing it, dad.

She thinks you need a therapist.

Losing it?

What do you mean, therapist?

And now you're just repeating words.

She said you want a divorce.

A divorce? Did she say that?

You're doing it again.

Well, does she? I don't know.

That's why I'm asking you.

I know it's upsetting, right?

And I know it's... it's... it's a bit embarrassing.

Spare me the "You care" crap.

Hey, I do care.

I really want you to be proud of me.

By what?

Swimming with men?




It's beautiful, isn't it?

In a tragic sort of way.

So, so that supposed to be us?


You're that little petal on the left.

Oy! Alright, lads. Come on.

Let's see what you can do.

Now, heads in.

And feet up.

Eric, you are too tense. Relax.

How do you relax? How do you relax when you're drowning?

Okay, let's try this..

Five, six, seven, eight and wilt.


Oh, God!



Jesus Christ, what happened there?

We're collapsing, and we want wilting.

Well, the end results are the same.

Wilting is dignified. Collapsing is just pathetic.

That's why the dying swan is more popular then the sudden massive fucking coronary swan.

Ah, Jesus! Ah!

Come on, get it in. Get it in. Bloody hell!


Okay, guys, let's go try the net.



That really hurts. Alright, alright, alright.

Breathe through it.

Breathe through it.


I don't think I'm cut out for this.

Don't be a wet.

If I pulled out now, they'd have time to find somebody else.

Tell me, is running away a theme in your life?

Stop wriggling, you're bloody heavy.

Hey, I shaved my bloody legs for you.

I'll shave your balls with a rusty knife if you don't stop moving.

If my wife could see me now.

Yeah. She'd probably be looking at me.

You wish. Poor old Ted.



Must be years since she's seen an arse as fit as this.


Ted's wife, um..

...she died.

Alright, come on. What?

A year ago. A year ago?

Concentrate Teddy Bear, come on.

That's it, we're getting there.

How long do we have to hold this?


It's the team you should be proud to be a part of.

Oh, come on!

Is that the best you've got?




Wow, guys. So what have we learnt from that?

Apart from the fact that we can't do any of those things.

Nor do we have the time to try.

I can't even smile like that, never mind do the legs.

It's about getting into sync..

...and feeling where your partner is moving.

Oh, I'm feeling you right now, Ted.

Tom! Hey!

Hey! Shut it. Focus.

And you've got to stop holding these bellies in.

If you've have them, use them.


Move in close.

Put your palms together..

...and try to sense which way your partner's going to move.

Close your eyes.

Okay, easy, tiger.

Just take your time..

...and breathe.


Be in the moment.

Now channel your energy into your fingertips.




Five, six, seven, eight, and chaos!


Come on! Give me chaos.

I want rage. I want middle-aged angst!

Colin, you're pathetic!


And you heard about the demo? Yes.

We should get behind them.

Maybe invite the local press? Make a bit of noise.

Exactly. Give the public a voice.

I'll get on to it.

What? Oh, nothing. Uh..

It's just..

You... you are exactly what this place needs.


I'm not sure they'd all agree.

Oh, sorry. No, no. Go, go ahead.






I don't know where he is.

Five, six, seven, eight! Give me more!

And arms!


And chaos!

Thanks for letting me know.

Okay, bye.


All okay? Yeah, fine.

I don't know what... what's going on with him.

He's been missing meetings behaving ridiculously.

Don't tell me he's bought a Harley Davidson.

No, it's not like that.

Sorry, I didn't mean, um..


None of my business, obviously.

If there's anything I can do..


It's like he's given up.

Given into..

God knows what.


It's the idea that finds underlying order in seemingly random events and data.




The chaos theory. My contribution to the team.

Hi. I'm taking..

Chaos is at the heart of our routine.

As man faces the vicissitudes of time he searches in vain for meaning but he must learn not to fight the chaos, but to embrace it.

Bollocks, Ted.

What, just because you can't stick it on a tattoo?

Hi. Hi. I've taken on the challenge of composing the music for the routine.

As it goes, Luke and I were in a band back in the day.

Yay! Yay!

Now, I'm... I'm building the themes, you know.

I'm looking for something intrinsically male something robust and full-bodied.

Where did get those cameras from, Tom?


Are these nicked?

I just thought I'd make a little documentary.

The road to Milan. Here we go.


Hey, Ted, how does it feel to have the body that everybody wants?

Get out.


? Everybody shake it ?

? Time to be free ?

? Amongst yourselves.. ?

And prepare for the throw.

Like Zeus, rising from the..



? To yourself ?

? But your mama lied to you ?

And that was supposed to be a flip.

? She knows as well as you and I ?

Shoot me in the face.

? You've got to express ?

? What is taboo in you ?

? And share your freak ?

? With the rest of us ?

? 'Cause it's a beautiful thang ?

? Sexual revolution ?

? Sexual revolution ?

? Sexual revolution ?

Do it again.


? Sexual revolution ?

A lot better than the last 36 times.

? I'm so fuckin' beautiful ?

? Especially when I take my clothes off ?

? Sexual revolution ?


? Ahh ?

? Sexual revolution ?

? Sexual revolution ?

? Sexual revolution ?

? Sexual revolution ?

? Sexual revolution ?

? A beautiful thang ?

And here we have Thomas attempting the flip for the 43rd time.


Gentlemen, I think we have ourselves a finale.



Look out, men.

Intruder at 11 o'clock.

Uh, if you.. Just..

Yeah, give me a minute, fellas.

Shades of espionage, methinks.

They come over here they take our women.

Build our wardrobes. Don't be like that.

Oh, but wait.

The signs of rearguard action.

It's not my fault.

And, yes! These things happen.

The invader is repulsed.

Sayonara, sucker. See you, then.

Goodbye. Bye.

See you.



Stop it.

One thing I would like to put on record is how much I'm loving being in a team.

I was never into sports and stuff at school but, for me, to be able to stand here, naked with a few other guys..

A little bit weird.

I'd rather be in the shower with my wife, to be fair.

To be fair, I'd rather be in the shower with your wife as well.

Oy, Timmy.

Yes, thank you, Tom.




Have a nice day.


When you say "indefinitely" perhaps you can be a little bit more specific, sir.

It is a busy time.


Yes. It's a busy time for me as well.


Hello. How are...

Have you seen the bank statements?

Yes. Sleeprite?

Don't you think that's a bit extravagant?


What's going on?

We're in the middle of this.

Whatever this is. Well, that's..

And you're missing meetings at work and lark about at the pool with a bunch of...

You came to the pool?

Billy was worried.

Look, look. Number one.

Uh, I have already rearranged the meeting with Michael, okay?

That is done.

Two, even as we speak I am checking out of the hotel. Huh?

I have friends, yeah?


She came to the pool.



Lift, lift, lift.

Nearly landed on my head. You're not focusing.

Distribution in the stack is wrong.

For this to work it has to be equal.

Which means we have to take height and weight into consideration.


Well, meaning you can't be next to your man because he needs to be next to someone less...


You calling me fat?

Archie, you calling me fat?

Well, you could do with losing a bit of brrrr.

Oh, yeah? Yeah?

Well, you could take that back of yours to the barbers, mate.

It's like trying to wrestle with a yak.

You're just jealous because you're wearing thin, Fatboy Slim.

As is your banter, mate, hardened and lustrous, mate.

Guys, guys, let's do it again. Come on.

Come on, we've got to practice the throw.

Can't do the throw without the flyer and we haven't got the flyer because we haven't got Tom.

He's a bloody liability.

Right, that's me.

Oh. Brilliant. Oh.

Life's ticking away and the clock's getting louder.

Come on, Colin. Sod off.

Oh. Just having fun. Tick, tock.

Alright, chaps, some of you still haven't coughed up for your flights.

What about Tom? Last day, tomorrow.

Yeah. He'll be here, okay?

And if he's not..

...it's got nothing to do with me.

Dad's a drunk and his, his mum couldn't cope.

And then he gets caught stealing from Colin's site..

Um... but rather than turning him in Colin decides to give him another chance and he, he decides to bring him to the pool.

Here we are.

You live in a boat.

I've never stayed in a boat.

It's "on." On a boat.

Come through here.

Wow, it's charming.

It's been nothing but grief, to tell you the truth.

My wife was right about that. Would you like a beer?

Yes, please.

Sit down.

Here you go.

Thank you.

It's not the only thing she was right about, turns out.

She also said that the ballerina that I left her for would eventually get bored of me.

And then, after she had taken me to the cleaners that's my wife, that is I would only get weekend access to my beautiful daughters.

Who now see their father, frankly, as a... as a as a bit of a loser.

Yeah. You don't have to tell me...

Cheers. Cheers.

Bloody mess.

You're the backbone of the team.

You're the one who holds it all together, r... really.

And I'm not your only admirer, am I?

If you follow my drift.

Oh! Ha-ha. Yeah, well, yeah. Yeah. Hmm, maybe.

If I was younger or blonder or or... or more Swedish.

Swedish.. Swedish, yeah.

You still married?


You... you don't have to.. It's..

You know, sometimes it helps to get things off your chest.

They are, uh, beautiful.




Look, if he's not here by noon, I suggest we just pack up.

Really? I'm as angry as everyone, okay?

Right, when I give the nod we're gonna prep for the lift.

To be honest with you, I'm not sure if I can make it this weekend, anyway.

What? Brian's got tickets to Amsterdam.

I am nodding.

Guys, concentrate. Come on, I'm nodding.


Good. Steady, steady.

And prepare for the throw.



I thought this was an all-men's team.

Where the hell have you been?

Nowhere. Just.. Stuff came up.

Look, kid.

You need to take life more seriously.

Some things matter.

Yeah, well, he's back now. That's the point. Come on.

Come on. Get in. I'll get you up to speed.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What's that, on your ankle?

It's a tag.

It's a bloody ankle tag, Tom. I vouched for you.

This is a disaster. I bet he can't even travel.

Amsterdam, here we come. Yay!

You are bloody unbelievable.

This is all so predictable.

It will be fine! How will it be fine...

I'll handle this, Archie.

This is not okay, Thomas. Right?

Mate! What? You are bang out of order.

You haven't actually got any proof..

Come on, you two. You come here.

If there was a World Championship for Chaos we'd bloody walk it.

This whole thing was a mistake..

Can you all just calm down? Guys!

That's training, then, is it? Finished.

...inside a meaningless universe.

Why do you always have to do this?

Why do you have to be so crapping negative?

It's endless moaning.. Everybody out there always depended on you. Everyone.

I'm telling it like it is, and if you can't handle that...

I'll tell you what you are. You are a coward.

Stay there, stay there. Col, honestly, mate.

I'll sort this. I'll get to court before we go.

I'm telling you! Cool it.

You get out of my sight or I'll be in there with you.

The whole team needs to take a time-out.

Team? This ain't a team.

Oh, nice one, Col. That's very constructive. Good one, mate.

Or what? You want to start something, Archie?

Hm? Yeah? You want to bring it?

Cool it. Get off, Ted.

Do you want to take it outside? A good day, officers.

How can we help you?

We're looking for Thomas Reynolds.

We've not seen him today. Um..

Has anyone seen Tom at all? No.


Well, he should have been here, that, uh, that scallywag.

Any idea where he might be?

Sometimes, on a Thursday, he helps out with the old folk.

And sometimes I play football for Chelsea.

I thought I recognized you.

So what is it that you chaps are doing here, then?

Synchronized swimming.

You're looking at the British Men's Team.


Men's synchronized swimming? That's sounds a bit..


Got a spare pair of shorts, if you fancy it.


Actually, we're rather busy this afternoon. We have to press on.

We've got the World Championship at the weekend so, if you wouldn't mind..


Might let him know we're looking for him.

Yeah, and that he's broken curfew.

Yeah, absolutely, yeah.

Very serious, yeah.

Thank you, officers.

May the Force be with you.

Tom! Come out.

In court tomorrow morning, right?

Yeah, exactly. It's not a problem.

'Cause we fly off tomorrow afternoon.

Right? Yeah. Honestly, mate.

They haven't actually got anything on me.

It's just this, it's this formality that they do nowadays.

Bloody idiot.


Eric, look, um..

I'm sorry if I was a bit, you know.

When the blood's up..

It's alright, really.

Good man.

Why is everyone calling me Archie?


You know, as in Medes.





Quite like that.

Goodnight, Silent Bob.

You can't get a word in, can you?

Huh, listen..

Um.. No, no. It's my fault.

No, no, no, no. No, no.

I was way out of line. I started it.

When I was ten, apparently.

Look, I don't mean to be down on things.

If this group ever split up, I'd be..

I'd be.. Free on a Thursday night?

Come here.

Oh. When did things get so tense between us?

It's like having a wife again.

You've all got your suits, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

Alright, just off for a quick..

Yeah, we got it. We know.


There's a new place around the corner.

Anyone's welcome.

No, you're alright.

Right, well, I will see you all at the airport.

Ta-ta. See ya.

Well, that's me off.

Are you off for a quick... Don't push it, son.

Roger and out. See you later, big man.

Come on, I'll give you a lift.

Oh, nice one. See you later, lads.

See ya, bye-bye. See you later.

Heathrow, Terminal 2. Yes.

You alright, Flora?


Well, looks like it's you and me, again.

All aboard.

I find the sculling at the end of the meat raft..



Ah. Uh, Eric.

Um, I was just telling Cassius how you'll be looking after his tax scheme.

Peechee. Ha-ha-ha.

You won't believe what this man can do with a balance sheet.

He is a numerical wizard. Huh?

You know what, dude, I don't care what you have to do as long as I can stop hemorrhaging money to politicians.

Do you know the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?

About a hundred grand?

I'd say about two years. What do you mean?

You'd be committing fraud on a huge scale.

Fraud? Well, that's not strictly, uh, true.

You'd be hiding money in illegal tax havens.

Your business would become police business.

Um.. Excuse us.

Are you insane?

We cannot afford to lose this account.

Now, either you help me do this, or..

Or what?

Or you fire me?

You won't have to.

'Cause you can tell the Emperor he can stick his tax evasion up his Peechee arse and so can you.

Because I..





In the moment, in the moment.

Hi. You quit your job.

Ah. Michael called.

Yeah. I can explain.

Please, don't. I get to go to Milan.

Ah, like the Blitz. One bombshell after another.

I've got tickets for you both for the Men's Synchronized Swimming World Championships in Milan.

Why do we want to see that?

'Cause I'm in it.

No, you're not.

I am. Even got my own nickname.

The World Championship?

It's a fledgling sport. Didn't Billy say anything?


Look, I gotta go to the airport.

We gotta get there a day early.

Goes without saying that we'd love it if the both of you could come.

We need all the support we can get.



Sorry. Excuse me. Thank you. Sorry.

Excuse me.

Sorry, sorry. I made it.



Still not answering. Tom.

We're having to rethink the lift.

Maybe we can borrow somebody. I don't know.

Come on.

Aye, aye. Cheers, mate.

See? I told you it'll be fine. I'm an innocent man.

Come on.

? Nah nah nah nah ?

? Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah ?

? Won't stop till we're legend ?

? Here we go here we go ?

? It's my turn to make history ?

? Oh ? ? Here we go here we go ?

? When I'm gone they'll remember me ?

? Yeah a dreamer with the fever ?

? To be great was all I ever want ?

? Was all I ever wanted ?

? Wanted ?

? A finder with the fever ?

? For the fame was all I ever want ?

? Was all I ever wanted ?

? Got me singin' like ? ? Oh ?

? Bang-bang bang-bang bang-bang ?

? This fire's the weapon ?

? Bang-bang bang-bang bang-bang ?

? Won't stop till we're legend ?

? Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah ?

? Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah ?

? Nah nah nah nah ?


And you got the local rag, yeah?

And I am pushing for a couple of the nationals, but I wouldn't hold your breath.

Well, surely we can generate more..

...synchronized swimming.

Historically, women have dominated the sport, but, tomorrow, in Milan, it's men who will be competing for the unofficial World Championship.

And we all wish them the very best of luck.

Now, I expect it's going to be a little bit warmer in Milan than it is here..




There's too many people.

Four hundred and eighty if we assume ninety-six into the available five rows.

Yeah, thanks for that, Archie.

Hey, I see the girls are in, Lukey.

Oh, look! There's Flora.

Oh, Christ!

Well, it's not too late to cancel.

Ohhh, I feel a bit sick.


Don't let it intimidate you. Come on.

Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm fine.



This is it.

And when you get out there, I want you to hold your center.

You make a mistake, just move on.

Ted, in that opening, I want you to tuck your chin.

We don't want you losing your goggles.

Honestly, you are looking so solid.

I think we should go for this throw.

No. I'm happy with the lift, thanks.

Agreed. We're under rehearsed.

Too risky. Yeah.


Okay. Absolutely. It's your call.

I just wanna say this.

If you want it, if you really want it..

You just gotta reach out and take it.

Right, I'm going to, uh, bugger off give you a moment to yourselves.

Remember, you can do this.

I believe in you.




Hey. Playing for England, yeah?

Yeah. Remember.

Deep breaths, son. Deep breaths.


Can't do this. No, I'm sorry.

No, I know, I can't go out there.

I can't go out there. Oh, shit. Oh!

I ran away from my wife.


Convinced myself that she threw me out but it's not what happened.

Not now, Eric. Colin's having a bit of a..

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're sort of in a zone here, mate.

No, wait, wait. Let him speak.

Go on, Eric. Go on.

It was me.

I was running away..

...from her.

Running away from my son.

I was running away from everything.

I know now, it was fear..

...fear of getting older.

Fear of failure.

But you guys..

You showed me how to stop running.

This club, with its silly moves..


Slightly silly moves has taught me to appreciate what I have in my life and not regret what I don't have.

And what do I have?


So let's go out there and do this for each other.

And if it's not perfect, at least we were here..

...now... together.


If we come last..

...I'll kill the lot of you.




? This is a man's world ?


? This is a man's world ?

? Don't you know? ?

? But it wouldn't mean nothing ?

? Ah nothing ?

? Without ?

? A woman or a girl.. ?

Get round. Come on, get round.


Nice, nice. Nice, nice.



Two and three..




Come on, guys. Come on.



? Without a woman ?

? Without a woman ?

? This is a ?

? Man's world ??



Yes, yes, yes!


Ho, ho, ho!



Come on, come on!

Ladies and gentlemen the results for the Men's Cup in Synchronized Swimming..

In reverse order

(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN) in sixth place


It's gonna be us.

I know it's gonna be us.

It's not about the competition, lads, we've all said that.

Stati Uniti! USA.

Yes! Yes! We did it! Oh!


Well done! Oh, no.



In fifth place..

No shame in fifth. No shame at all.

Republica Ceca.

No way. Czech Republic.


In fourth place..


Japan! Japan.

We're going to win a medal.

We're in the medals. We're in the medals.

We've got bronze, guys.


In third place..

Italia. Italy!




In second place..

Gran Bretagna! Great Britain!


We did it!

Second place, eh!

We got second place!





Well played.

Well played.



What's wrong?

We were robbed. We were bloody robbed.


Get over here. Come on.

This is great.


I'm so proud of you.



Tell me.. Um, tell me something.

Um, you said that we should just be who we are, right?

Yeah. And you're the, you're the coach.

So, um..

Well.. Who do you think we are?

The most broken, flawed, beautiful..

...bunch of twats that I've ever met.

Shall we?


Jesus Christ.






Go back home and get her, son.

Take it from me.

There's plenty of time to miss her when she's gone.

Falling in love..

It's like having a stroke or a car accident.

Thanks for that..


Tell me, have you ever heard of the Japanese puffer fish?

Save our libraries!

Books, not bombs.

Save our libraries!


I'm sure you'll all agree that Heather has done an incredible job on this.

I have to say, I'm hugely disappointed in the attitude of the press. All but total indifference.

I mean, just a little coverage could have changed the game.

I'm sure of it.



? What made me behave that way? ?

? Using words I never say ?


? I can only think it must be love ?

? Oh anyway ?

? It's looking like a beautiful da-a-ay ?

? Someone tell me how I feel ?

? It's silly wrong but vivid right ?

? Oh kiss me like the final meal ?

? Yeah kiss me like we die tonight ?

? 'Cause holy cow I love your eyes ?

? And only now I see the light ?

? Yeah lying with you half-awake ?

? Oh anyway ?

? It's looking like a beautiful day ?

? When my face is chamois-creased ?

? If you think I'll wink I did ?

? Laugh politely at repeats ?

? Yeah kiss me when my lips are thin ?

? 'Cause holy cow I love your eyes ?


? And only now I see the light ?

? Yeah lying with me half-awake ?

? Stumbling over what to say ?

? Well anyway ?

? It's looking like a beautiful day ?




I just wanted to say..

My mate Joe's dad came out and it was, like, totally fine.

Joe doesn't even get that much shit off people anymore.

I'm not gay, Billy. I'm happy.

Amazing. Shut up, Stu.


I don't care what you are. You're my dad.

I want you off this forecourt immediately.

Okay. I'm on my way.

When I say "immediately," I mean immediately.


Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that.

Are you alright? Sorry. Piss off.

Dad. There are other ways.




? Throw those curtains wide ?

? One day like this a year'd see me right ?

? Throw those curtains wide ?

? One day like this a year'd we'll sing it right ?

Shit! Tom?

? Throw those curtains wide ?

Oh, please. Oh.

? Day like this a year'd see me right ?

Tom! What are you doing?

I'm embracing the chaos, mate. Embrace the chaos.


? And only now I see the light ?

? 'Cause holy cow I love your eyes ?

? And only now I see the light ?

? Throw those curtains wide ?

? One day like this a year'd see me right ?

? Throw those curtains wide ?

? One day like this a year'd we'll sing it right ?