Table 19 (2017) Script

Shit!

Shit!


We were invited to Henry Grotsky's son's wedding.

We got invited to Henry Grotsky's son's wedding?

Yeah. Why are you saying it like that?

Why am I saying it the way someone who was just invited to the wedding...

...of the child of a guy he barely knows would say it?

We're going. Mmm-mmm.

This place will be fine without us for a weekend.

No. Not going.

Jerry, you're the president of idiots.

Bina, you're the dummy who voted me into office.

Okay, impeached. Too late. I resign.

Ha-ha!

I was first.

This could be a great thing for you, sweetie.

Look, it was at a friend's wedding that your dad and I first got it on.

Open the door, I want to show you something.

I'm flat-out naked in here, so...

Renzo Eckberg, your manhood is nothing to be ashamed of.

Your manhood is a glory to God.

Open the door a crack, I'll fling it in.

This could be how you meet the love of your life.

Girls are always so drunk and emotional at weddings.

Maybe that's where you'll really shine.

Should I start hanging out at wakes too?

Oh, let's see how the wedding goes first.

You got a letter from someone.

I'm pretty surprised about it.

I didn't know you knew anyone in the free world.

Good boy!

Why, thank you, Ringo.

Oh, my!

Oh, Ringo!

I, Francie...

...take you, Douglas, as you are...

...to love and to cherish...

...to have and to hold...

...until death do us part.

Frances Millner, Douglas Grotsky, take hands.

You may now kiss as husband and wife.

Two miles later, we're almost there.


Hi.

Oh, my God.

Shit.

You look good, ladies. Right here.

I'll see you in there.

Hi. Hey.

You're here. That's c...

Mmm-hmm.

Why are you here?

Same as you.

Because I'm the best man at my sister's wedding.

Okay.

So it's not the same at all.

Oh, my God, just...

Give a little bit of love to grow Have fun!

Oh, shit.

Don't you make me beg for more Give a sign, I need to know I wish I could be there to be your wingman, honey.

Whether you get a girl to smile or whether she runs away, it's all good.

Gotta go, someone's here.

Hello.

I'm Francie Millner's first nanny, Jo Flanagan.

That's Jo with a "J" and an "O" and no "E."

I'm Renzo. With an "E" and an "O" and no "J."

You have an intense look about you, Renzo.

Thank you. I'm working on that.

Hi.

Bina and Jerry Kepp, hello.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Walter.

Hello, Roger. Nice to see you.

Thank you so much for inviting me, it really means a lot.

Thank you so much. I didn't invite you.

Francie did.

Okay. I honestly thought they wouldn't let you travel out of state.

Well, you know.

Hello! Thank you for inviting me.

Thank you so much for coming.

I don't think we've ever been at a reception table with a nanny before.

Have we, Jerry?

Only very good or very bad nannies are remembered so many years later.

Which one are you?

You guys swingers?

No, you're not. Right? No.

Renzo, pick up the phone. Renzo, pick up the phone.

Did you not request a singles' table?

Because so far, it's slim pickings.

It was on the RSVP. You put it there yourself.

Pardon me.

And how are you so sure you're not with the singles?

If there are couples at your table, they could be what's called "swingers."

How well do you know the bride and groom, Mr. Kepp?

Hmm. I can smell the toilets from here, that's how well we know the bride and groom.

Don't listen to him, he's not a romantic.

This is a great table.

It's a great one.

Mmm. No, it isn't. Yeah, it is.

Yes, it is. No, it isn't.

Yes, it is. No, it isn't.

Well, we'll see. Okay.

Hello. Sorry.

Someone's sitting in that. Sorry.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Is this one okay?

Yeah. No one's...

My name is Walter.

I can tell by your accent you must be a relation to the bride's father.

Close relation?

Yes.

Oh.

Hmm.

So what do you do, Walter?

What do I do...

For work?

Leave it alone. Why can't a person ask that?

Yeah, I'd like to know.

Okay, then. Okay.

She'd like to know.

So, Walter, what is it that you do?

I am a successful businessman.

Oh. Okay.

Okay, then. Hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

What kind of business?

Sorry, do you mind?

So, forget the married people.

Dance with the nanny.

Hollywood marriages bust up all the time because of the nanny.

And you know what, Renzo?

Even if she is a little older, so what?

There's something to be said for know-how, experience and someone who's seen a lot of things.

You don't want somebody perfect for your first dance.

It's just too intimidating.

You okay?

No. Not okay.

I could just see you staring at somebody for a minute.

Like a real, true minute which is a long time to stare.

Tells me you got something brewing up here.

Sorry, do I know you?

Do you mind if I say something else?

I'm gonna say something else.

Nobody deserves a full minute of your attention unless they're giving it back to you.

Oh. Smile!

Hey, just something for you to think about.

Me to you.

You're welcome.

Um, what the fu...

Hey! Sorry?

Don't do that. Do what?

Just say something smug and walk away.

No, it wasn't like that.

I just saw you there, and I... Yeah, well, it was like that.

Also, in order for you to know that I'd been staring at someone for a real, true minute, you had to be staring at me for a real, true minute.

Also, that was a test. Which I passed.

My ex-boyfriend is in there.

And I... You know, felt nothing.

I felt nothing at all.

Right. So, I misread that entirely.

Yeah. I guess you did.

Sorry, I'm... I'm having an off day.

Do you ever have that?

Kind of day where you think that the things that come so easy to everyone else just seem so

elusive?

No.

Yeah, me neither.

Okay. Okay.

Not that you asked, but this is where I'm sitting so if you end up in the high teens, you know where to find me.

Shit!

Oh, shit.

Are you feeling all right?

What do you say your name is?

Megan-Ann.

Megan-Ann. Okay. I will not forget.

I should have married Leroy while I had the chance.

Leroy knew where to put his hands.

Ah, you're the killer, Nyung. Don't deny it, you shit.

It's hard to put down a good book.

Yes.

Who doesn't love to read books? I do, as a normal person.

What's your favorite book, Walter?

Probably that one.

Walter, where do you live?

Today will not suck.

Your nails are orange and your hair is orange.

And your dress is orange. I say it's too much orange.

Too much orange?

That's what I was saying, so you have to lose one of them.

I meant the dress.

Oh, my God.

Where are you from?

Hi. Hellomygod.

Okay. Hi. Hi!

I am Renzo.

I've achieved puberty and I'm in a rock band.

I'm Walter, I'm a successful businessman and I've also reached puberty.

Well, terrific. I'm Eloise.

So far, it's my mom on bass and me on lyrics, but it's pretty cool. Very cool.

Uh-huh.

There's No Bad Name For a High School Rock Band.

Is what we're calling ourselves.

I'm calling it "The Band."

Eloise, what's your connection to the bride and groom?

Right, yeah, that's the sort of question you ask back here.

It's not gonna be what you want to hear.

It won't be what she wants to hear.

You're Jo Flanagan, right?

You're the nanny. Francie's nanny.

How do you know that?

And you know Henry Grotsky from the diner scene, you're those people...

Jesus, not the Klumps.

Wow.

The Kepps.

Bina and Jerry Kepp. Right.

And I'm Walter, just a successful businessman who just likes to read his favorite book.

That one.

And you're Grotsky's friend's kid?

You requested the singles' table.

That was never gonna happen.

How do you know us?

So, Francie, today's bride, is my oldest friend.

Oh... Thank you!

There's been a long discussion about what kind of table this is and you've just resolved it!

She is the best friend of the bride.

Well, oldest.

How close to the toilet do you feel now, Mr. Kepp?

The same. The distance is the same.

You know what? It's the same wedding.

It's the same celebration no matter what table you're at.

I'm a fan of detective fiction, Eloise.

Big, big fan.

So when I find that something doesn't add up, I investigate.

Can't help being a detective, it's just who I am.

And you want to know what rank on the force my husband has attained?

He manages a diner in Columbus, Ohio. That rank.

Fill us in anyway, would you, on how exactly the bride's best friend ended up back here with the Klumps.

Oldest friend. Leave it alone.

No, that's fine. It's not, it's...

It's no mystery, it's not a big deal.

I got dumped by Francie's brother, Teddy Millner, the best man.

That tall drink of shit over there at table one you can barely see. God, look at him.

That guy is exactly who you think he'd be.

Yeah, just a selfish jerk.

Which I somehow didn't see until two months ago when he dumped me out of the blue. Then I saw.

So I dropped out as maid of honor because it was awkward and I RSVP'd "No."

Well, "Yes" and then "No." And then I thought, this is about Francie, it's her day, and I won't let her brother scare me away from that.

I'm glad I came. I'm fine.

I feel nothing, actually. I'm, like...

I feel liberated. I feel free.

God. You have no idea what that feels like.

Someday.

I mean, I am free. I do, I mean, I'm a free man, I do know how it feels.

Right. Great.

Well, then, you know. It feels great.

I don't have to think about him anymore.

Talk to him, or...

Excuse me.

All right. Our newlyweds will be joining us for their first dance soon.

Okay, what's going on, man?

Meanwhile, enjoy the open bar.

Come on, what does that mean?

What does that mean?

It means you leave me a voicemail telling me to tell Francie not to open your RSVP card.

Then you leave me a voicemail telling me that you're coming and then another one saying "Disregard the last one."

So that's what I mean, what are you doing here?

You listened to all those voicemails?

Hey, guys, right here.

Come on, El, please don't go all crazy.

"All crazy"? Now what does that mean?

It means you get mad.

You do something big and you can't take it back and it's too late, and then...

Crazy. I do that?

I do that?

I'm not your mom, so, I don't do that.

I think it's funny, mostly.

But not today.

Nikki will murder me... All right, all right.

Nikki can calm down. What is the deal with Nikki?

Really?

Wow. "What's the deal with Nikki?" That's funny.

Why would you care about Nikki if you're just here for my sister?

You're right.

Yeah. You're right.

It's none of my business if you cheated on me with her.

What? Why should it even bother me?

Come on! I didn't cheat on you with her.

It started after we broke up and you dropped out as maid of honor.

How does a guy who...

After two years, you break up with me over text?

"Good luck with your future endeavors"?

Were you firing me?

What the f...

You're an asshole.

Oh, my God, you're such an asshole.

You're a ridiculous asshole.

Why don't you just go home?

Yeah? Yeah.

Before you ruin all this for Francie.

I don't have a ferry ticket till tomorrow, anyway.

Swim.

Think she'll be back?

I vote yes.

Hey! Let's chat, you and me.

No, I'd like my elbow back, Nicole.

Fine.

Just don't make a scene.

Why does everyone keep saying I do that?

Hey, Jerry Kepp. Uh-huh.

Just a hypothetical.

If someone offered you 20 bucks to go up to our room and read your book in the tub, would you?

Say yes.

No. You know how I feel about a hotel bathtub.

People do unconscionable things in hotel bathtubs.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Bina, stand up. Bina, please, stand up right now, please.

Why?

I will give you 20 unhypothetical dollars if you stand up right now.

All right, then.

Okay?

What?

Honey. Oh.

Shit.

What a shame.

Here you go. Oh, thank you.

So much.

How long have you worked here?

I don't really work here.

Yeah. What's up?

Look at that.

That is why I'm here today.

Rodriguez & Hayes must be overjoyed.

Actually, I heard they were fighting.

Okay, look.

Teddy broke up with you.

I know how hard that can be, okay?

A long time ago, he broke up with me to go out with you, so I get it.

But you have to stop now.

I fit into this family. You never did.

I was Francie's first choice for maid of honor.

I was Teddy's first choice for a girlfriend.

Sometimes, first sticks. Sometimes, it doesn't.

He listened to every voicemail I sent, so what does that tell you?

Tells me you don't know when to stop calling.

Hey, Bina. Hmm?

Make use of the jacket and grab us a cheese plate, would you?

That's funny. Last week, I did a search history on our computer.

And one of us looked up "Topless Dame Helen Mirren."

Wasn't me.

M-I-R-R-E-N.

Why did you do that?

Why did you come here?

Jerry said he wasn't coming, and then all of a sudden he changed his mind and he won't say why.

Since when does a man need a reason to go to a wedding with his own wife?

See? He has a pathological aversion to answering a question directly.

He always answers with another question.

Why did you make Facebook friends with Henry Grotsky on Facebook?

You answered with a question.

Why are you looking at my Facebook?

You just did the same thing.

Okay. Actually, with Henry Grotsky and Tom Fo.

Tom Fo?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, Henry Grotsky owns five diners in Central Ohio.

We own a diner in Central Ohio.

Everyone who owns a diner in Central Ohio is Facebook friends.

You'd know that if you paid attention.

Tom Fo. Okay.

Am I Facebook friends with Tom Fo, really, Jerry?

Okay. All right.

Bina lost her virginity to a loser immigrant named Tom Fo.

He was from Canada.

From the province of Canada that produces the most insufferable people.

That's not true. Manitoba. It is true.

Tom Fo is my first boyfriend, and we loved each other.

Great, I'll friend my first love now.

Helen Mirren will be thrilled.

Renzo, pick up the phone. Renzo, pick up...

Not now, big fight.

Are you all right? You look lost.

I do?

If you need help, just ask us.

Sorry, "If I need help"?

Do you? Do you need my help?

Why would I need your help?

Well, you have no one.

I did the table assignments with Francie.

How could the person who did the table assignments have no one else here?

I planned half the wedding.

Okay.

Table one is Francie, Doug and everyone who actually matters including Teddy Millner, the best man-child and Nikki Carmichael, the second-choice maid of honor.

Table two, Francie's hideous dad...

Roger? No, he's a lovely bloke.

Roger and his trophy wife, and Doug's parents who are married but miserable.

Table three, Francie's disaster of a mother, her actual sorority sisters who are all divorced, mostly twice, sometimes more. What's happening now?

Four, Doug's kooky college friends.

Five, grandparents, no comment.

Six, Doug's dad's military buddies.

Seven, decent cousins.

Eight, indecent cousins including Infamous Kate, the Millner family nymphomaniac.

Where is eight now?

Nine, Francie's scintillating work.

10, Doug's even more scintillating work.

11, kids' table, no comment.

12 and 13 are two tables of singles, one supposedly cool, the other supposedly not.

14, Doug's dad's diner world connections.

The hell are we doing back here?

15 are the wedding hires including the reverend, the hairdresser, the hairdresser's colorist.

And then there's three more tables until you get back here.

Do you know what Francie's mother calls this table?

Enough.

What Carol Millner calls Table 19?

The table that should have known to RSVP regrets...

...but not before sending something nice off the registry.

Enough.

The table that could disappear in the middle of the wedding and no one would even notice.

Enough!

I did the table assignments with Francie before I was replaced as maid of honor because her brother broke up with me over text after two years.

That's the kind of table this is.

I told Francie Millner a never-ending story when she was five.

I taught her a dozen rock-n-roll songs.

I gave her, her favorite toy in the world.

A golden bird that she so loved, I bet she still has it now.

Does that sound like a person they would put at a table of people they don't care about?

It sounds like someone who was invited to a wedding because Francie's mother found out she was paying $200 a plate for the groom's nanny and wanted to settle the score.

Oh, and me too.

I mean, I'm here too.

Even though Teddy Millner is the worst person I ever knew.

I wanted to see if maybe I was still in love with him.

So, thanks for the offer but I'm done looking for help from people who are as lost as I am.

I'm Teddy.

And I'm Nikki.

I'm the best man.

Maid of honor.

Welcome for their first dance Mr. and Mrs. Douglas Grotsky!

Get this party started!

See the people walking down the street Fall in line just watching all their feet They don't know where they want to go But they're walking in time They got the beat They got the beat They got the beat Yeah, they got the beat

Hi. No.

Of course not.

Hello. I am Renzo representing House Eckberg.

Uh-huh. Okay.

I'm Luke Pfaffler.

Can I help you with something?

Mr. Pfaffler?

May I have a word with your daughter?

Oh, this is not my daughter. She's just my tablemate today.

Can I ask what her name is?

Megan-Ann.

There it is.

I may come to you one day asking for Megan-Ann's hand in marriage.

She's not my daughter.

But today, I'm only going to ask for her hand in this dance.

And the rest of her, along with her body.

Good. No, I don't think that's...

You don't want to dance, right?

No. She doesn't want to dance.

Maybe I should have a word with her actual father?

He's not here.

Same with mine.

Okay, I think this conversation is over, right?

Because it started with you asking for a dance and then the answer to that was no.

First, can I ask if she'd like to hear about my extracurriculars?

Okay. I'm gonna go out on a limb here, Rezno, and say that she has evaluated the whole package, including the after-school specials and she's not really ready to dance with that, okay?

So you could just stand awkwardly in front of another table.

Oh, okay.

Thank you for the clarity of that.

That was bracing, so thank you.

My pleasure.

Would it matter if I'm in a band?

What instrument?

Lyrics. No.

We got the beat We got the beat Well, that was weird.

I thought we were gonna be murdered there for a second.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, my God, the lighting in here is brutal!

God!

My dance number is next and I cannot look like my hair just got humped by a hurricane.

Hello, Carol.

I must look very different to you since the last time we saw each other.

O-M-G! Oh!

That's mortifying that I would forget.

Nanny Jo.

Well, you've had a lot on your plate.

No, I am a Champagne mental patient.

It is inexcusable.

No, it's fine. No, it's not.

No, it's fine.

No, it's not fine.

Oh, my God.

All right. We have to catch up one of these years, when my brain is made of less liquid.

We will die laughing.

One of these years.

My daughter is a goddamn married woman!


The funny thing is, the bloke doesn't realize he's on the ninth green with his pants around his ankles!

Funny.

This... ...is my nephew.

Hello.

My name is Walter and I'm a successful businessman.

Nice. What line of work are you in?

I could ask you the same question.

Me? Yeah.

Oh, I'm in beer and wine distribution.

Same. Oh, you are?

Ever heard of a guy named Donny Haczyk?

Yes. He's a knobhead.

He's a what? A knobhead.

Like a dickhead.

I'm Donny Haczyk.

Good to see you again, Donny.

And pull her close and there, there, there And take your baby by the ears And play upon her darkest fears

We were so in phase In our dance hall days

Oh, boy.

People do weird things at weddings.

What was I ever thinking?

It's so weird, one day you can be 100%, the next...

Are you hungry?

Because there's a plate of pigs in a blanket about to come through that door.

Just grab it.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

How did you...

My sense of smell is my best feature.

Ooh!

Was that a bread roll?

Happy Anniversary.

What's wrong with you?

What are we doing here?

What if I'm just here to enjoy all of this?

Huh? We used to dance, Jerry.

Why can't I just be here to reminisce on the early days of Bina and Jerry?

Please.

I give up.

Where's Mr. Manny?

Mr. Manny?

A lady at Table 4 says she tries to eat her own weight in purple cabbage every week.

How do I figure out if the kitchen has that much purple cabbage?

I don't know why you're telling me...

Okay, forget it.

Take this. Take it.

I'll find Mr. Manny myself.

Oh, come on! Hmm.

I should go somewhere.

Yeah, I mean...

You should be traveling the world.

Hmm.

I've never actually been outside the country.

It almost happened after high school but I had to get a job answering phones at a car dealership and my supposed friends couldn't wait.

So now I find myself thinking that this guy...

You, guy...

...seem like the kind of person who, in fact, did not have to get a job at Lukazey's Toyota and has been to Europe or some such and knows where one goes to...

To what?

Oh. Well. Uh...

I'd probably say this corner right here is where I'd go for that.

We have no past We won't reach back Keep with me forward All through the night And once we start The meter clicks Ugh. I'm drunk, Teddy.

Please don't let me make a fool of myself.

Mom, you could never make a fool of yourself.

You couldn't make it. Not possible.

All through the night Stray cat is crying, so stray cat sings back What are we doing? We're dancing.

And also?

Maybe making somebody jealous.

Okay.

Sorry. Bit too much?

It's a little too much.

You know, this isn't really dancing.

Oh? Uh-uh.

This is dancing.

Oh...

Watch it!

What?

Keep with me forward all through the night And once we start The meter clicks And it goes on running All through the night We have no past We won't reach back Keep with me forward all through the night And once we start The meter clicks And it goes running all through the night Until it ends There is no end


It was lovely to dance with you.

How did I not just get kissed?

It happens more often than you think.


Hmm...

Uh... I'm Eloise, by the way.

Who are you?

Huck.

Huck?

No one's really named Huck anymo... Okay.

Huck, we are in a grand ballroom full of tables.

I'm at the very worst one.

Would you care to join me?

I shouldn't.

Sure.

Oh, seriously? Yeah.

Oh, God, you're not somebody's date in there, are you?

No.

Because you're not at a table. You're crashing the wedding?

You gotta stay for the food.

Oh, do I?

Yeah, that's why people come to weddings. For free food.

Oh, is that so?

Yeah.

And to meet somebody.

Hello? Hello? Hey, everybody.

Best man. Best man, toast time.

Yeah.

Yeah. Now, I got a few things that I'd like to say.

Well, it's hard to believe any relationship that had its start at McCormick's 80s Karaoke Night could possibly amount to anything more than a one-night stand...

...but it did and here we are and it's perfect.

I guess, you know, to all those who want to see how it's done, how people can and should be there for each other, look no further than table one.

You're a better couple than we've seen in our family in a long, long time.

So, yeah, in honor of that I've got a few things I'd like to say about love.

This friend of mine, Clarence, once stood up during lunch period and said he had something to say about love.

Then he took a dump on the table.

When Francie first met Doug, she just always knew that he'd never let her down.

But I thought people almost always let you down, so where did that come from?

Maybe she realized that whenever he did let her down, maybe she'd just be always ready to forgive him.

Whoo!

Come on up here, Nikki.

Save me, please.

I don't know what I'm saying anymore.

Maid of honor toast time!

Oh...

Let's go.

What?

She's none of our business.

Who knows what that girl will do to herself?

We don't, because we don't know anything about her.

She's temperamental. She hasn't had a drink and now she's puked up mini hotdogs.

Do none of you care that that girl is obviously pregnant?

What? Huh?

You children are such a disappointment.

Go away, please.

You're right. Teddy Millner was always rotten.

You don't know me.

No, he was selfish, rude, mumbling.

Always mumbling.

In love with whatever toy his mother got him until she got him a new one and then he just moved right on.

Please go away. Please.

I got his sister Francie a bird that I found at a Chinese gift store in New York City.

Well, Teddy got jealous.

So the next time I was in New York, I went out of my way, skipped a blind date my aunt tried to set me up on...

Please get out. ...skipped a date, to find Teddy the same bird his sister cherished.

Well, he played with it for one day!

I never saw the bird again.

My whole life might have been something else if I'd gone on that date.

But what's done is done.

No. Wait. I know what happened.

He ended it with a text message when you told him you were pregnant.

Oh...

Jesus!

Never doubt a nanny's intuition.

It's true? Yes.

Can everybody just get out of here, please?

So what do we do?

What do you mean, "What do we do?"

To teach that asshole a lesson. Oh, Lord.

No, I don't want to do anything that will jeopardize my freedom to run my successful business.

That's right. Let's just please go back to the table before they think we've left.

What do you care what anyone here thinks, Bina?

Stop. That was an overreaction, okay?

I had too many of the mini hotdogs and...

Can we just forget about it?

That won't be easy.

Teddy Millner is leaving you to raise a child alone. If you even go...

Oh, my God.

If you even go through with the pregnancy.

Okay, no. This is no one's business, okay?

We're going back to the table.

Let's get out of the ladies' bathroom.

Francie's still my friend, and I'm not gonna mess up her day by doing something to her dumb brother.

What if Francie never needs to know?

Jerry, stop. She said she's done with it.

Well, no.

No. For once, I'm not gonna do the thing I immediately regret.

Renzo, if I gave you a couple hundred bucks, could you get a hooker to wait in Teddy's room?

Oh, I was asking the hotel that very same question about my own room.

I don't want to get involved with hookers.

They don't provide them.

You guys probably already know this, but that's not a question you're supposed to ask a fancy place like this unless you're a successful businessman.

Which I am.

Are you okay? You looked like you got sick.

I'm fine. Please get lost. Excuse me.

Hello. Jerry Kepp.

Diner associate on the Grotsky side.

Hello.

Did you or did you not dump this girl after getting her pregnant? Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, what's going on now? I'm just...

I never did like you, not even as a child.

Teddy Millner, did you dump this girl immediately after she told you she was pregnant?

Okay.

You didn't tell them what you said.

Wait, what did you say? What did I say?

She said that we'd be ridiculous parents.

No, I... Not like that.

Yes, you did.

You said I'd be a ridiculous father.

You asked me if I wanted to keep it.

Then I asked you if you would want to keep it and you didn't say anything to that.

So then I said we were ridiculous.

It was after you called me ridiculous because why would you want to keep our kid if you thought that I was just a...

That I was just a joke?

It was before.

And you were looking for a way out, man!

I get that now.

Everyone we know says we were wrong together.

Your mother wouldn't stop saying that I was not the kind of girl who ended up with you.

And when it was time for you to stand up and say that she's wrong and they're all wrong and they're idiots and stand by me, then you ask me if I want to keep it.

That's your first question.

What was I supposed to say, El?

I constantly disappoint you.

Then you tell me that you think our kid will grow up thinking that I'm just a joke.

That I was never good enough for you.

And you finally found a way to tell me.

And I was so scared of losing you that when you told me you were pregnant, I asked if you wanted to keep the kid.

I'm ridiculous in a million ways.

I am. I know that.

But I can't spend my whole life

disappointing you as much as I disappoint myself.

Shit.

I'm sorry.

Hey, stop.

Teddy! Stop! Teddy!

Leave me alone.

No, Teddy! No, he doesn't get...

Oh.

Oh, my God.

No, we can fix this. We can fix this. No, Teddy.

Oh!

Oh! I'm sorry.

I've been hit.

Oh... Shit.

Oh, my God.

Oh...

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

But I'm ridiculous?

Shake it up Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Let's go. Thank you.

Shake it up Shake it up Yeah, shake it up

Oh...

You want me to call Mr. Manny on these people?

I have a confession to make.

I'm not actually a successful businessman.

I was in prison because I stole

$125,000 from the father of the bride.

It was not a table of honor.

I have a bag of dope in my room.

Room 115 for the dope in case any of you feel that a bag of dope would be fun to do.

Not you.

And not you.

You two can drop by and choose something from the mini fridge.

That was the worst invitation to anything I've ever received, ever.

Is your room this way?

Or are you just following us?

Who, me? Just following.

Honestly, it still sounds better than junior prom, honey.

Junior prom is a horror show.

Well, if the thinking was for me to see people at their most happy, I would have to say that seems to be a huge miscalculation.

Did you just break another chair?


What kind of nanny are you?

Retired.

Wow, the last time Jerry and I did this was the last time Jerry and I had sex.

Three... Actually, over three years ago.

But no one's counting.

Oh, thank you.

You don't have to do this.

It might be best. If Uncle Roger finds out, he might tell my parole officer and then they'd send me back to jail or extend my time at the halfway house.

I share a room with a man called Jalapeno who has a smiley face tattooed on the end of his penis so that when he pees it looks like it's vomiting sunshine.

He's not as sweet as he sounds.

Well, then you shouldn't do it.

Jalapeno doesn't sound like a good roommate.

No.

I don't know, unless Uncle Roger is lurking around outside the door, I mean...

Is it Uncle Roger? Nope.

Hi.

I just wanted to say sorry.

I take things too far.

Usually, I'm the only one who gets hurt, but it didn't work out like that today, so I'm sorry.

Join us.

Or do you have somewhere else to be?

No.

You know, a whole table disappeared from a wedding and I bet no one even knows.

We can go anywhere, do anything.

The day is ours.

Hello. My name is Walter and I'm a successful pothead.

I'm smoking the reefer.

Who smokes pot? Are you a potter?

No. No?

You're a pothead.

You got a table with a lot of your friends Waitin' for your ship to come in Folks like me on the job from nine to five Concierge, please.

Hi.

Um, can you tell me when the next ferry arrives?

In about 30 minutes. Okay. Thanks.

There's a dog in your bathtub.

See? That's what I mean about hotel bathtubs.

You know, marriage is till death do us part.

What does that mean? Does that mean you're gonna get to heaven and then you'll be single, and then do whatever you want at that point?

Maybe.

Nobody knows what happens after you die.

You are Romeo and Juliet and we all wish you the same happy ending.

Congratulations, and best of luck.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a magician.

I always wanted to be a nightclub singer.

Fiction writer.

Now I own a diner.

Bina took over her family's diner.

And I got suckered into managing it after we got married just like she wanted.

Like I wanted?

Who else would've wanted that?

You asked my father if you could.

You renamed the family diner after yourself.

That was your idea. What?

Uh-huh.

I wanted to be a high school guidance counselor but instead I went to prison.

You made the right decision.

How did you steal all that money?

Right. Yeah, well, uh...

Roger got me a job in his office when he worked for the Ford Motor Company.

I'm quite good with numbers, so I worked out a way to steal $125,000.

So I did.

What did you do with it?

Oh, it wasn't for myself.

My friend Eric, who's an absolute sweetheart, a lovely bloke, his wife was very sick and needed an operation.

Well, then you saved a life.

No. Because it turned out she wasn't as sick as we thought.

On account of the fact she didn't exist.

I don't think he'd ever been married.

What?

He made it up just for the money.

You just called him a sweetheart!

He was a lovely bloke. He was always nice to me.

Except for when he made me go to prison.

Renzo. Yeah, what?

What's with the fur tie?

Oh, thank you.

It's pretty dumb.

No, come on.

Yeah, it is. It is.

My mom believed it would ever so slightly convey my sexual prowess.

Clonk.

Terrible parents were my bread and butter.

Remember that suit I was wearing earlier?

The chaplain from the halfway house got me that from Goodwill.

And then now I'm wearing the suit of a beautiful lady.

Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.

You wear it well.

No. I look all right.

Wait. Why didn't your dad stop you?

Well, this is my dad's, actually.

He's dead now, which is why I get to wear it. So...

Did he say...

Yeah.

Sorry for laughing about your dead dad.

Hey, no... Guys, no. It's not all that.

I barely knew the guy, so...

Strangers die all the time, right?

I mean, 150 people die every second.

150 people right there.

Can't get worked up over it.

You know?

Better?

No, not really.

Thank you for trying.

My junior prom is tonight.

But my mom said I'd probably have a better chance here where nobody knew me, so...

I would have danced with you.

Now, in high school, I certainly would have danced with you.

And if you want to dance now, we can just turn on the radio and just dance.

I don't think so, but thank you.

You smiled You smiled And then the spell was cast

Now here we are in heaven

'Cause you are mine At last Fuck.


Here, Ringo! Here, Ringo.

Wonder how my daughter's gonna feel not having a dad?

Daughter?

Yeah.

I mean, I know it's too early to know, but... I know.

Well, I have a request. Don't call her Jo.

I met you today and you think I'm gonna name my daughter after you?

No, of course not.

I've been a nanny to a lot of children who've grown up and if they don't see fit...

I really just wanted to volunteer that Jo is a good enough name for a boy, but a terrible curse for a girl.

Now let's see, a girl's name...

The only girl's name I can think of right now is Nikki.

Well, it won't be Nikki, so...

Look, it's a wedding I won't ruin.

I should go back in.

Tell Francie about the cake.

Let's sit out for a little while.

The world feels almost perfect right now.

Crap!

That's cool. I'm cool.

I know why you came!

You love weddings? Please.

You couldn't get through our wedding day fast enough.

It's funny it took me so long because honestly, Bina, I didn't think you had it in you to surprise me.

Okay. Yeah.

You're many things, Bina, but surprising is not one of them.

When you went to the bathroom in the nanny's room, you used the phone.

Uh-huh.

I know this because a little light came on in the bedroom when you did that.

Okay. So, who did you call, Bina?

You only know two people at this wedding and I'm one of them.

You're arranging to meet with Henry Grotsky after the wedding's over?

Hmm? Maybe back in the ballroom after the happy couple is gone and I'm upstairs in the room?

You're gonna sell our diner to Henry Grotsky.

You don't out-detective me, Bina Kepp.

I came to have an affair.

Ha-ha.

No way. I know you.

Bina, an affair?

Bina!

Walter, would you come with me, please?

Yeah. I'm flattered.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

I should just let you know that I've got a little bit of eczema behind my knees.

And, um, oh, last year I had a cold sore, but that was because Jalapeno was using my washcloth.

And not just on his face.

But, yeah, otherwise, I'm all fine so just let me know when you want to start the intercourse.

What? What?

What?

Sorry, why am I here?

Not that.

I'm sorry. Okay.

But no. No?

Was it talking about Jalapeno washing his testicles that ruined the mood?

Um... Sure.

How bad is it?

Pot.

It's medicinal, right?

We could open our own ladies' detective agency.

Put Mr. Kepp out of business.

How bad?

Oh, I'd say that I'm due around the same time you are.


So?

What did he say?

He said that I should be in the Woodside ballroom serving hors d'oeuvres because they're understaffed, apparently.

Did you have a chance to ask the thing I sent you over there for?

Oh, yes. Yes. Denny, who's that man there, he said that there's no one registered under the name you asked about.

Huh. Did you say the right name?

Yeah, Denny. It's on his nametag. I saw it.

Right. Not him. Oh, Fo, yes.

I said Tom Fo. "Is there a Tom Fo here?", I said.

And he said... He said, "No."

Okay. Right. No Fo.

Yeah.

Sorry.

God, that's so weird.

Walter?

Yes. Where are you going?

I gotta go and help with the hors d'oeuvres in the Woodside ballroom. Why?

Understaffed.

So, you're not the friendliest guy in the world.

I am not.

How did you manage to seduce Bina?

Bad timing? It is bad timing, I realize that now.

If I tell you this, will you stop walking with me?

Not sure. It was summer camp.

I was a junior counselor. She was a senior counselor.

Honestly, Renzo, it's no big secret.

Camp does most of the seducing.

Less often than you think. Oh.

Well, for me, I was okay at dancing.

Probably better than okay. So we danced.

And that's it. That's all it takes.

Find out the one thing you're good at, make sure the girls know about it.

Even if it's something very private?

My understanding of women seems poor right now.

I'd say go with your gut.

Ah...

Francie doesn't even remember me, does she?

Ah, those rotten kids.

What did you ever see in that boy?

I can't even think about it.

What if you came here for a different reason today?

What if you went away with someone better?

What if I know how to find your wedding crasher?

Go with your gut. Go with your gut. Go with your gut.

Megan-Ann, Mr. Pfaffler, you probably don't remember me.

We're not going to talk about it.

Of course not.

Let's just watch the kid in his moment of triumph.

There is something I forgot to mention the first time I arrived here, and that is that I have a gigantic penis.

Excuse me? Oh, my God!

Oh...

Oh, shit.

That's disgusting. This wedding is over for you.

I need you to give me the phone number of somebody that I can call to get you out of here right now.

Oh! Mmm-mmm.

So... Mr. Pfaffler said he's gonna call my mom.

And the girl?

She started to cry.

I think I didn't describe it appealingly.

We'll work on the wording before you try again.

You're coming with me.

Hello, friend. Just stay right there.

Is this the guy you meant?

Nope. I'm pregnant with his baby, but not the guy I'm looking for.

Wow. One cigarette break and you miss an awful lot, right?

Oh. This guy?

That guy, this guy. Huck something.

Yeah. I know who that guy is, but his name is not Huck.

No one's really named Huck anymore.

Oh, shit.

Right.

Okay, let's go.

Come on! Yeah.


Only you are my shining star Don't you go away Yeah, baby Wanna be right here where you are Until my dying day Yeah, baby

Nice bit of cake?


Oh, Nanny Jo, everybody...

Sorry it's taken us so crazy long to get here.

We're so glad you could all make it.

You're the Kepps, right? Yeah.

My mom says your fries are better than the ones in all of my dad's diners.

Well, that's not what I thought I'd leave with here today, but it's something, so thank you.

Sure.

We hope it all works out for you.

It'd be great if it did.

Cousin Walter? I'm glad you could come.

Thank you for inviting me.

It was simply amazing.

Truly wonderful day.

Oh, thank you.

Ah.

He's such a great guy. Yeah.

Sorry about being so far away from you today.

No.

I felt like we weren't even in the same place, you know?

No. It's the same wedding no matter what table you're at, right?

Yeah.

I'm so glad you came over because I was just saying I'm so tired.

Gonna head out. Oh. Okay. Yeah.

Okay, so...

You look so beautiful. Thank you.

And congratulations or best wishes or whatever you're supposed to say.

And this was great.

Bye, guys.

Have a good night.

Hey.

I know I'm probably the last person in the world you ever want to see again.

And I get that. Totally understand.

And it will probably suck for you to have to see me again under any circumstances which is why I wanted to say that whatever happened between us and however it ended I think, you know, I could be a really good dad, probably, if you'll just...

If you'll let me.

So, that's it.

Goodbye.

What are you doing?

I don't know how you fixed this, but it really meant a lot.

Well, it's been so great to catch up with you all.

I hope you all got to dance to your heart's content.

Do you still have the golden bird?

Oh, Nanny Jo.

You don't even remember it, do you?

No, of course I do.

I don't know why I should be embarrassed about this, but I lost it almost immediately after you gave it to me.

I cried so hard Teddy gave me his.

He was always good like that.

Francie, we should go.

Okay.

Thanks again for coming, everyone.

It wouldn't have been the same without you.

Please proceed to the docks to see off Mr. and Mrs. Douglas Grotsky.

What is it with you people?

Teddy Millner is the sweetest child I've ever known.


Teddy! Teddy!

I don't see him.

Did he get on? Teddy!

Teddy!

Teddy!

Oh, my God!

Wait!

Too late! Sorry!

I was wrong!

What?

It's crazy! It is! It so is!

It's crazy! After everything.

Sweetheart, you're embarrassing yourself!

Shut up, Nikki!

Shut up. What?

I can't not be in love with you.

You screw up all the time.

But so do I. Way worse!

Great toast, folks! Goodnight!

The baby's a screwup!

Perfect, thank you. The baby is a...

Wait, what baby?

It's a great screwup! It's this perfect screwup!

What?

I don't want to be disappointed by anybody but you!

And I don't want to disappoint anybody but you.

What are you saying?

Please.


It was Tom Fo, wasn't it?

What does it matter who?

Doesn't matter, not at all.

I just like being a good detective.

Gives me something.

Well, he never showed up, so it really doesn't matter who.

You know what they say? Showing up is 90% of love.

Yeah, and not being an asshole is the other 10%.

He didn't show up. I did.

No, you didn't.

Neither did I.

And the people we were supposed to become together, they never showed up.

Was there ever a time you would have done that for me?

Just, like, shout out across a lake at me, in front of a bunch of strangers, about how you really felt about me?

We shout at each other in front of strangers all the time.

I'll take that as a no.

Would you do that for me?

Well, the you then or you now?

I'm the same.

No, I'm the same.

No, not really.

The Bina I married would never cheat on me.

Well, the Jerry I married...

What?

What?

The Jerry you married what?

How am I different?

Because I'm not.

So stop saying I am. It's not fair.

The Jerry I married loved me.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay.

We're ridiculous.

We're ridiculous?

Yeah, everyone is ridiculous, Jerry!

Okay? You deal with it 'cause you have to!

Do you? Yeah, you do! That's life!

You're ridiculous and a mess!

And you still hope that you'll find someone who'll think that you're okay enough to be loved.

Is that what life is? Yeah, it is.

And it's really weird that you don't know that by now!

Where are we?

Guys?

Where did they go?

That's the wrong way.

Well, I don't know which way we're going.

Wasn't there a shortcut here? We missed it.

I showed up.

Oh, I heard what you said to the dumb girl at table seven.

Well, I didn't word it right.

No, you're okay.

Congratulations.

Uh...

Hey, I got these. Room 430.

Maybe in a couple of years.

Wait, really?

Okay, it's booked. A few years from now.

Room 430. I'll be there!

I'll see you in a couple of years!

Yes!


Hey.

Is there anything left?

Not unless you count the lingering melancholy that once was joy.

She means cake.

Oh. Then, yeah.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Oh!

Is it good?

Yeah, really good.

Oh, shit.

What did you say? Oh, my Lord!

Holy shit!

What did you say back there? It was...

What did you do?

It was hard to hear, you know, with, like, the wind and Nikki in my ear, and then, when I got on the railing, everybody started shouting.

And then underwater, you can't, like, hear anything underwater.

But it sounded like, you know, you were getting to something good.

Um...

Uh... It was like about how, if you're, shit, ready to be, like, the person who always forgives me, then I want to be the person who always forgives you.

I don't know, it was better than that.

That's really good.

Can we do that?

Let's do that. Okay.


Moving forward using all my breath

Making love to you was never second best I saw the world thrashing all around your face Never really knowing it was always mesh and lace I'll stop the world and melt with you

You've seen the difference And it's getting better all the time There's nothing you and I won't do

I'll stop the world and melt with you

Dream of better lives The kind which never hate You should see Dropped in a state of imaginary grace You should know better I made a pilgrimage to save this human's race You should see Goodnight, Mom.

Goodnight, Teddy.

Bye, Carol.


Thought you didn't have family.

The evidence is mounting up against you, Walter.

Renzo, your study buddy is here!

Hey. Here's your mail.

Thanks.

Hi.

Please don't slam the door, even for that.

Ringo?

You're gonna make him fat.

Oh, yeah, I am.

Well, we are.

Here you go, Ringo.

Okay, you're sure you didn't forget anybody?

I told you a million times, okay? I didn't forget anybody.

Sorry. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Okay, so this is the last batch of...

Teddy, where's the baby?

Baby. Oh, man!

Come on, man. I know, I'm sorry.

It's just, you know, if you forget the baby...

I'm not sure I believe you when you say you didn't forget any of our friends.

Hi!

Here he is. Aw!

The world's best dad when you don't forget our baby in the empty apartment.

Thank you. You're welcome.


Hello, my old heart

Hello, my old heart


Hello, my old heart Hello, my old heart