Tag (2018) Script

Someone once said, "We don't stop playing because we grow old.

"We grow old because we stop playing."

When you're a kid, you can't imagine having any other group of friends.

You think you're gonna be buddies forever.

Of course, for most people, that just doesn't happen.

But my friends and I, we figured out a way around that.

We just never stopped playing.

And I like to think that simple thing, playing a game, is what made me the man I am today.

So the man you are today wants to be a janitor.

Yes.

Look, Doctor Malloy, I'm looking at your résumé.

It says you got a PhD in veterinary medicine and that you actually have a successful practice right now.

Look, there comes a time in every man's life where you just gotta take stock, ask yourself what's really important, what's on your bucket list.

So let me get this straight.

On your bucket list, you don't have, like, skydiving or rock climbing, or tap dancing, maybe?

Dancing with wolves, I believe that has to be a thing.

They wouldn't have made a movie if it wasn't, you know?

All I know is that, for me, what I really want is to clean the urine off of that man's toilet seat.

Talking about the boss.

Mr. Callahan.

Yeah, he's a great man. This is a great company.

Anything I can do to get closer to that guy, sign me up.

Okay, look, man.

Honestly, any other situation, I would just tell you to get the fuck out my office, okay?

But we do need the help, so when can you start?

I've already begun.

What the fuck was that?

Uh... I haven't even opened that yet.

Uh, I'm sorry. I was trying to be proactive.

Today. I can start today. Um...

Why don't I get you another Coke?

You do that, we good. Okay.

But don't throw away no more new stuff.

You will not be disappointed.

We don't have to shake hands, man.

Okay. I'll be right back. Sure.

White people.

All right, Bob. You're the CEO of a Fortune 800 company.

You have commanded the respect of coworkers and vendors alike, and that is why you're being interviewed by the big boys.

The Wall Street Journal.

Miss Crosby. Oh. Hi.

Hi. Bob Callahan. Rebecca.

Thank you so much for taking the time.

On, thank you.

Should we just get right into it?

Yeah, let's jump right in. All right.

Well, here's what I would love for your readers to know about our company.

We are young.

We are dynamic. We are fun.

Uh, so let's talk about diabetes.

Mr. Callahan, how do you respond to the idea that your industry uses captive insurance to move risk off balance sheets?

Well, great question. Tough, but fair.

Um, I guess I would say that what I love about Freedom Atlantic is that we're not like other insurance companies.

Uh, we're big, but small.

Uh... Small.

We are, um...

You know, we're complex...

...and yet, also simple.

And we are global...

Yet local.

That's exactly right.

Sorry, one second.

Uh, hey, could you maybe come back at another time?

We're just right in the middle of something. Sir?

I'm afraid not, Bob.

Jesus Christ, Hoagie!

What are you doing here?

How did you get past security?

I didn't. I work here.

You got a job at my company, so you could try to tag me?

Come on. Bob, it's over.

You don't think I can escape from my own conference room?

Where are you gonna go?

Well, guess what? Watch now 'cause this is happening.

God dang it! Okay.

Oh... Ouch. You okay?

God. Okay.

You're right.

It's over.

Well, you're it. Yeah, I know. All right.

It's good to see you. Good to see you, pal.

Good to see you. Have you lost weight?

Yeah, a little bit. Hey, listen, this is serious. Um...

Jerry's quitting.

What? Bullshit.

I swear to God. End of this season, he's retiring.

Well, okay. But, uh, lam in the middle of an interview. So can I...

Wall Street Journal, that's so cool! Oh, thank you.

No, thank you, by the way, 'cause this was the distraction I needed.

You get Bob talking about himself...

It is just a feedback loop. Non-stop.

Can we talk about this outside, please? Yeah.

Can we talk about this outside? I'll be right back. I promise.

There's three days left in May.

That gives us 63 hours to round up the guys and get him.

Great. We can talk about this over dinner.

What? No, no, no. We have to go now!

Don't you have bathrooms to clean or something?

Technically, yes, I do.

All right, well, you know what?

Take this ridiculous thing off... Ow.

...and get to it. We'll talk about this later.

I'll resign, Bob.

You don't have to. You're fired.

Oh, good. 'Cause the benefits here suck!

No, they don't.

That's true. Benefits are really good.

Oh, hey, sorry about that. Uh, where were we?

Uh, diabetes. Yes. Explain.

Well, uh... I'm not a doctor, but there are two types.

Type one is called "Type One". And Type Two is more of an adult onset.

No. Him.

What are you doing? Hoagie, what do you want?

You tagged me. I'm it, okay?

You're sitting there like I didn't just tell you we gotta deal with this right now.

Because we got a real shot at Jerry this year.

You say that every year.

Yeah, but this year's different. You say that every year.

But this year's really different. You said that last year.

I know, you're right.

But this year's actually different because we know exactly where he's going to be and when.

"The wedding celebration of Susan and Jerry.

"Saturday, May 31st."

He's a sitting duck!

We gotta join forces. We get Jerry now, or we die.

What? Eventually. You know what I mean.

Come on, Bob.

You gonna grow old, or you gonna keep playing?

Keep playing.

That is the right answer. Nice to meet you.

Uh... I'm sorry. I have to go.

No. Uh...

Hold on. Hold on.

I can't believe he's getting married, and he didn't even tell us.

I know. I was mad at first, too, and then hurt.

But, you know, he just realized he'd be a sitting target.

That's insane, even for him.

Will one of you please tell me what's going on here?

Are we off the record?

No, definitely not.

Awesome. Okay.

Our group of friends has been playing the same game of tag for 30 years.

What?

For the entire month of May, every year, we play tag.

Just like when we were kids.

But we're not on a playground, and we all live in different cities.

So you don't ever know when someone's gonna pop up.

You could be shopping at the mall, and then your buddy jumps out of the trunk and, boom, tags you. You're it.

Here's the craziest part.

Our buddy, Jerry, never been tagged.

What do you mean he's never been tagged? You never put your hand on his body?

Not during the month of May. For like, 30 years.

Why don't you just go over to his house and tag him?

It's not that easy. Why not?

Because...

Well, for starters, because he's so freaking fast.

You just can't catch him.

Yeah, and if you do manage to catch him, then he goes feral and turns into some kind of crazy wild animal.

And if you manage to trap the wild animal, he still finds a way.

What just happened there?

To this day, I have no idea. No idea.

He's the best that ever played. Yeah.

And now, he wants to retire with a perfect record, make us all look like fools. Fools!

He gets very excited.

There he is.

Wait. You're not leaving.

Look, Ms. Crosby, I apologize.

Uh, I will have someone from my office reach out to you.

We will reschedule this as soon as I'm back in town.

Uh, nope.

Nope? No. Change of plan.

I'm coming with you.

This is a story.

What? No.

Yes. This is the coolest game ever.

I don't think that's gonna be her angle.

I don't know what my angle is, but I do find it very interesting that we live in a world where grown men take an entire month out of every year to play a child's game.

It's very interesting. You're right. Let's go.

I don't think she means interesting in a good way.

Get in, Bob. Fine! Fuck it, I'm going.


All right, it's all ready for you, Dad.

Hey! Thank you. Thank you.

I'll be honest with you. Ever since my wife died, you've really been the rock holding me down.

So thank you.

Well, I appreciate that. I really do.

But your wife is not dead.

Well, she's dead to me.

What?

Yeah.

That's right. That's right.

Listen to me.

"To live in the past is to die in the present."

Now, who said that?

You did. Bill Belichick said that!

God love him. Yes, sir.

All right, I'm gonna get us more weed.

God bless you, son.

Damn, that was fast!

Hey! Hey, Anna.

Hey, Chilli. How are you? Good, nice to see you.

What are you doing here?

I was... I was walking by and thought I'd pop in and say hi to you and Roger.

Yeah, we're doing great. Where's Hoagie?

Oh, um... He's, um... You know...

Oh, shit! Hogan's in, uh, the library.

Is it... Dad, what month is it?

May.

Mmm-mmm. You're not getting by me.

Anna, are you okay?

He's loose! He's loose!

Fuck it.

Hogan, honey, he's coming.

He's heading down the east stairwell.

Hey. Hogan! Hey, Chilli!

I haven't seen you in a while, man. How's everything?

Pretty good. Yeah, what about you? Good, yeah.

Everything's good, man. Yeah, work. I mean, I'm going through that divorce.

You sure? But, everything's fine. It's fine.

Hey, also, side note. Stop bringing your wife into this, man.

That's bullshit. She's way too intense for the game.

You're just jealous 'cause she's such a badass.

She's my secret weapon. Kind of worked 'cause you're trapped.

Am I trapped? Yeah.

I am?

Damn you, Chilli!

Jesus, Chilli!

That's trash!

Fuck me!

Oh, hey, Martin!

Oh. Hi. Sorry.

Excuse me, Mrs. Martin. Coming through.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. So sorry. Wow. Okay.

Get him, Andy!

Good, Andy, good!

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Chilli, Chilli, Chilli...

Chilli! No, no, no!

Oh, fuck!

You okay, buddy?

Oh, just great. Great.

You ain't getting me today, man. I'm not losing.

There's only one problem, Chilli.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

I'm not it.

The fuck you mean, you're not it?

I am, motherfucker!

Oh!

It! Come on. Get up. Goddamn!

You all right? Yeah, I'm fine.

You took a pretty big hit there. My God.

Yeah, I thought I got away.

Set him up. Knock him down. Oh, my God!

Good idea. All right, fair and square.

I'm it, right? Yes.

And now you're it.

Whoa. Nope. Yeah.

Nope. I'm not taking it.

No, I'm not. No!

No. We're not... No!

Guys, we're too old for...

No, don't start hitting. God.

No, no, you're it. I don't know who is it.

You're it. You're it. Guys, guys!

This is ridiculous. Son of a bitch! You sack punched me!

Well, you punched me! You sack punched him?

Yeah, you went crazy, and now you're it.

Sorry. Okay, I'm it.

Truce, truce, truce.

Deal.

This isn't about us anyway.

This is the year we get Jerry.

Oh, we're not gonna get Jerry. He said the same thing.

No, no. I said the same thing. We got a plan, all right?

Guys! Guys, let's go.

She's so intense, man. She takes it too far.

You know what? If it wasn't for me, you guys would be day drunk, playing mini-golf with 12-year-olds.

Let's go. I know where Sable is. Get in the car, ladies.

Yeah, we're going right to the airport, so grab a bag, grab a...

A toothbrush or whatever. I'm good. Let's go.

Really? Wow!

That's gross. Well, he's gung-ho. That's good.

Hey, Rebecca, we're gonna go get Sable now.

Who is Sable?

I know you think she's not cheating on me.

But what about the possibility of her knowing that I'm following her to Pilates class, and on the days when it's not Pilates class, that's when she has all the free time to ride random dick.

Okay, riding dicks.

Kevin, you're really focused on other dicks.

But what about yours? What about you?

If you don't focus on the other dicks, those dicks will plug up the places you wanna go.

What about mentally going into each of those holes and unplugging every one of those dicks. Pulling out, pulling out, pulling out.

And then you have a clear mind. Dickless.

Well, I'm paranoid that my original paranoia might turn on my paranoia.

It sounds like there are some fundamental trust issues.

You can't trust anybody.

I don't think anyone's out to get you.

I don't think anyone is following you.

Ow! Stop!

I can't take it anymore.

I can't take it. I can't listen to this.

Are you shushing me?

What the fuck?

Oh, wow! How are you?

Doctor! You're there.

Hi, Hogan. Nice to meet you.

Bob Callahan. How do you do?

Sorry, this is a terrible idea. Who are you?

We're friends of Sable's.

We thought it'd be really funny to hide in there, but then we overheard way too much.

Yeah, buddy, you're clearly going through a lot of shit.

All right, get here, man.

And, um, also, you're it, so...

I don't care. I miss you. How are you, buddy? Good to see you.

I'm good. Yup.

Now you're it. I know. I know. I'm it.

Anyway, yeah, we came to get you, so come on.

Sable. Come on. Come on.

I got 40 minutes left in the session.

So what? This is important. Yeah.

Pack your bags. We're going home.

I don't have my bags here.

Yeah, we know. Obviously.

For fuck's sake. I know that. It's just...

We will go by your house and get your stuff.

You should've just went to my house in the first place if we were gonna go to my house anyway.

This seemed like a better idea. It was a whole bit! Let's go.

Yeah, come on, we'll figure it out.

Okay, you'll still owe me for this hour.

Thanks, Doctor.

You guys aren't taking my mental health seriously.


Look at those little assholes.

Calm down. It's awful to be back.

It's gonna be fun.


Ah! It Still smells the same.

Uh... Here we go.

All right!

"Uh!

Okay, yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's still there.

Guys, we're back in the war room.

You know what that means.

No, I don't know what that means.

It means we're going to war, Sable. Now, just to be clear, we're not gonna tag Jerry at the actual wedding ceremony because, frankly, that would make us giant assholes.

I'm sorry. I thought that was the whole point of this.

I took two weeks unpaid vacation for that exact reason.

Two weeks? Yeah.

I'm going zip-lining after this.

Okay. There's gonna be plenty of time to get him before the ceremony.

There's a rehearsal dinner.

There's a luncheon, photo shoot. Just don't worry. We're gonna get him.

Very official plan. Who wants to smoke some weed with me? Sable!

I'll take a toke.

What?

Yeah, I've been, uh, you know, experimenting with pot recently.

Mostly medicinal, but hey.

I've wanted to get high with you my entire life, Hogan.

Honestly. Let's do it.

This is the best gift of all time. Okay.

This is exactly how I imagined it, by the way.

Hoagie's morn.

I've got pizza rolls for my pizza roll boys.

Ooh. Pizza rolls.

Is that marijuana I smell?

No. What?

It's my pot. I'm really sorry. I was smoking pot. It's an old habit.

Oh, so it's your weedie.

I think I'm getting a contact high.

Okay.

Hits me deep. Below the belt, you know.

I've got a belt upstairs.

I use it on naughty little boys.

What the fuck is going on?

I hope you don't hurt those boys.

I don't mean to.

It was really nice speaking with you. Thank you for the pizza rolls.

Mom, stop flirting with Chilli.

Linda, have you seen Jerry lately?

I mean, do you still play tennis with his mom?

Because we need to find him before the wedding, and we've got no clues.

I don't even talk to her. I never see her at the club.

But I'm thrilled for Jerry. Susan is such a nice girl.

We just need the information. Yeah, we need to find him. Yeah.

Have you taken the guys over to the Sandpiper?

Lou does nothing but talk about you and the old days and Jerry.

You know, I think he's lonely.

Okay, that's not helpful. But it...

Oh, my God!

Lou knows everything going on in this town.

Guys, we're going to the Sandpiper.

I don't wanna go to the Sandpiper. I'm having a great time here.

I miss this basement. We don't have any more beer.

Let's go to the Sandpiper.

Lou!

Gentlemen! And ladies.

How are you guys? Hey, we have new summer stouts on draft.

Lou, we don't give a shit about summer stouts. We're just looking for Jerry.

Ooh, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, Anna, but you are technically still banned from here.

What? Still? What?

It was dollar margarita night, Lou.

Hey, I don't make the rules.

Fuck you, Lou.

You know something about Jerry. I can see it in your eyes, you rat fuck.

I don't know where Jerry is.

Fuck you. Tell us.

I'm sorry, Lou. I'm so sorry.

How are you? How's your morn?

Fantastic. Oh, that's good.

Fit as a fiddle. Tell her I said hi.

I will, for sure. She'll love hearing that.

And fuck you. I don't wanna be in this bar anyway.

Okay, okay. We're gonna wait outside.

Look forward to catching up with y'all. Whoo!

Listen, I'll tell you everything you need to know about Jerry if you tag me just one time. It is all I ask. I will spill.

Why can't I tag you?

Because I'm not officially in the game.

What's the good word, Lou?

We don't stop playing 'cause we grow old.

We grow old because we stop playing.

You are not part of this game.

Benjamin Franklin.

Lou. Yeah?

Where's Jerry?

I'm afraid I can't help you out with that, boys.

Really? Yeah, you see, Jerry and I struck a little deal.

I say nothing about his whereabouts, and then I get to play tag next year.

Jerry made that deal with you? Oh, yeah.

And I am unbreakable, boys.

Cannot penetrate this Iron Curtain.

The vault is closed.

Well, Lou, that is a real shame because I was gonna introduce you to Rebecca, who is writing an article about tag for The Wall Street Journal.

How cool is that?

So cool. Isn't that exciting?

Is there any way that Lou could be in your article?

Oh, yeah.

Right? It's an interesting angle, right?

Probably has to be a story for that to happen, right?

What do you mean, there has to be a story?

Well, I mean, no Jerry, no story.

You need Jerry for the story?

Could you imagine that thing printed out here, framed?

Hanging on the wall? With this guy? Yeah.

Which will get published everywhere. Everyone will see.

Nationally. Don't you wanna be in the article?

Yeah, dude. I would love to be in an article.

Well, we're not gonna break Fort Knox here.

Fuck, man. All right.

I was really excited about that story. Good to see you, buddy.

Good luck, man. Look, look, look.

My mom talked to his morn, and she said that the rehearsal is at the Deer Creek Country Club.

Deer Creek. There it is.

Anyways, the name is Louis Seibert. That's S-E-I-B...

Oh, I'll remember that. Thank you. She's got a great memory.

Big Lou, thank you, buddy.

Thank you. Yeah, you bet.

Oh, hello, Ms. Rollins?

This is Margaret from the Deer Creek Country Club.

I'm just calling to let you know we won't be able to refund your deposit since you canceled the rehearsal on such short notice.

This is bullshit. Oh, my God!

Uh, we didn't cancel the reception.

I'm afraid we have unfortunately booked something else in that time slot now.

A quinceañera. A quinceañera.

This is bullshit. Oh, my God!

A celebration of womanhood.

It's a celebration of womanhood.

This is bullshit. Oh, my God!

We're coming to the club right now.


Hello?

Hello?

Hello, boys.

Who is it?

I am.

Callahan approaches from the left.

Engage no-contact protocol.

No hand shall touch my body.

Mental note. Bob slapped Hoagie with his hand. Hoagie is now it.

Chilli.

He dives at me in a pussy-like fashion.

Poor planning. Poor execution.

Piece of cake.

I head for the door to escape.

Sable blocks it.

It's showtime.

Hoagie has tagged Sable. He is now fair game.

I speedbag him.

Jerry! You okay?

Oh, I've never been better.

Welcome home, boys!

Hey, who's this with you?

Oh, this is Rebecca. She's a reporter.

Very famous.

Did they, uh, mention that I haven't been tagged in 30 years

'cause they suck at this game?

Extensively.

Never been tagged. Just saying.

I can't believe you would rather not invite your closest friends to your wedding than risk getting tagged.

Hey, Bob, look, you're here, ain't you? Right? I knew you'd come.

Cookie, the valet needs the keys.

Hi, baby. Come here, honey. Come here.

We didn't invite you.

Yeah. Sorry. Uh, guys.

This is Susan, my soon-to-be-bride.

Hi. Nice to meet you, Susan. Hey.

Hi. She'll explain why.

It's just... I know it sounds really crazy.

It's just, everyone on my mother's side have had May weddings, and I don't want my wedding ruined over...

I swear, I don't wanna be that woman, but I do feel like that woman is kind of understandable in this situation.

Don't make excuses, baby. You don't have to. Come on.

Look, I already broke a fucking window. What are we gonna do here, guys?

Amendment. Amendment.

Amendment. All right. Get in here.

Truce. Truce, bitches.

No tag at the rehearsal. No tag at the luncheon.

No tag at the dinner. And do not even mention tag at the ceremony.

Ceremony.

We got it. Thank you.

No way, I'm not signing this.

You're officially re-not invited. How's that?

Okay, then fine.

I'll crash your fucking wedding, and I'll tag you as you try to kiss your bride.

Hey, hey, hey.

Look, Susan. You seem like a lovely person, and I'm sure this will all be fine.

We just need to formalize it, something we've been doing a long time and, uh...

Sign it.

What the...

"No mention of tag is..."

Ridiculous. It's unreasonable.

Thank you, guys.

Here.

All right, boys.

All right. So good to see you, Bob.

You know what? Don't touch me when we're on a truce. It's very patronizing.

Yeah, it's a little weird for me, too.

Well, it was really nice meeting everyone, and I look forward to getting to know you guys better this weekend and just...

I don't know. I've just dreamt about this day my whole life, so...

Congrats, Susan. We're happy for you. It's gonna be great.

Thank you.

It's really good to see you, boys.

Cheers.

Six tequilas, please.

To Jerry. Wait.

Oh!

So, boys, how did it go?

Not good. So bad.

So, so bad.

Did you guys just sign away your chance to tag him?

Yeah, but we're still okay because non-wedding times are fair game.

We just gotta find the right window.

What happened? He kicked our ass.

Well, technically, he punched my ass. Punched your ass.

Repeatedly. Hard.

Well, according to the bylaws, that is highly illegal.

Except he didn't hit my asshole, so it's legal. It's legal.

Okay, what are you talking about?

Here.

Page“.

Yes! Right there.

No asshole punching.

Why would you play a game where you're constantly punched in the ass?

Fair question, Rebecca.

Beep. I'll take this.

Tag is more than a game. It's a way of life.

No, buddy.

That's exactly right. You nailed it.

Facial disgracial.

Okay, Lou, thank you.

We'll take it from here. Uh...

But he's exactly right.

It's so much more than a game.

Say I'm LeVar Burton. Say I'm LeVar Burton.

I was there when Sable lost his virginity.

God damn it, Hoagie! I was almost finished!

Get over here!

And Callahan was there when Anna and I had our first child.

Congratulations, buddy. You're it. Doing great, Anna.

And all the guys were there for me when my father died.

I think your dad would have really wanted you to be it in this moment.

This game, it's given us a reason to be in each other's lives all these years.

The last it from each season will live in shame for one year.

So what happens if you lose? You lose.

You're it. What does the winner get?

There are no winners. Just not losers.

I would love to sit here and deconstruct the spirit of competition with everyone, but Jerry's still on the loose, and we've got to get him where it hurts.

Not in the asshole. Not in the asshole. Obviously.

Oh! Guys, let's go to his house.

He wouldn't be at his house. It's too obvious.

Yeah, it's too obvious, so he's gonna be there. This is Jerry.

Maybe it's so obvious that it's not obvious that he will be there.

So he's at the house. He's not gonna be there.

If he's there, then it'll be obvious for him to be there, so he wouldn't be there because he would think that we would automatically come there, obviously.

What?

You know what? One way to find out.

Let's go.

It'll be obvious to...

Come on!

It's locked.

What do you see?

It's nice.

There's lot of attention to detail, but not too overdone.

Well, can you just unlock it?

This is breaking and entering.

No, it doesn't count if you know the person.

That is not true.

"Did you guys really think I would be home?"

Feels like a trap.

All right, let's split up. We'll cover more ground.

No, that's a terrible idea.

He'll never expect it.

Now help me out of the door, please.

Jerry!

He's gotta be here.

Have you ever even been here before?

Ooh.

Deviled eggs.

Delicious. These go fast.

What the fuck?

Oh, man.

Whoa.

Jerry got chloroform?

What the fuck? He has stepped it up.

Aerial maps of the city. Bunch of blueprints.

Five different hats? Wow.

People change.

Did you...

I didn't do anything.

Who is that scampering around my house?

Hello, boys, did you really think I'd go home?

You idiots. I knew it.

It's too obvious. Yep.

I mean, that's just a lucky guess.

Okay, Jerry, where are you?

You know, seeing you guys tonight made me wanna take a walk down memory lane.

Ta-da!

Is that your... That's my bedroom.

You're at my parents' house. Why are you at my parents' house?

It's a little smaller than I remember.

You broke into my house!

We broke into his house.

Yeah, we broke into your house.

Hey, hey! Look who I found, Hoag.

Hoagie, I miss you so much!

What are you doing with Mr. Stubbles?

This little guy got you through a lot of troubles in life, didn't he?

All right, Jerry.

Let's see where this one goes.

Mr. Stubbles has something to say. What was that?

He says that his skin's very dry. It needs to be moisturized.

Jerry, put down Mr. Stubbles. So help me God.

What's happening here?

I think he's about to masturbate in Hoagie's childhood bedroom.

Oh, no.

It's the ultimate act of dominance.

I'm gonna stay here until you come.

Unless I come first.

You sly dog.

Go! Go! Go! Did you get him?

Start the car! I started it. I started it.

Everybody put their seat belts on.

Go! Go! Go!

Everybody in. Hold on.

Is everybody in?

This is gonna be nice and smooth, Mr. Stubbies.

This isn't gonna hurt whatsoever.

Stay put. We're coming for you. We're coming for you.

Yeah, but hurry up! Daddy, hurry up!

Mr. Stubbles is not into you. He can't be into you.

He's not a sexual being, okay? So put him down!

Hey, team.

Jerry, how are you in my room right now?

We're all in my room.

No, of course I'm not there. I'm here. In my basement.

Where are you guys?

Are you fucking kidding me?

He built a replica of your bedroom in his basement?

Good night, gentlemen.

Ah, amateurs.

Let's begin. Um...

So kind of a rough start.

That was pretty standard, actually. Yeah, Jerry's extreme.

The masturbation was fake, but the pleasure was real.

I mean, I've said it before, but we're not gonna tag him because, you know, he's better at tag than us.

I'm obviously going to be the one that tags Jerry.

I've been working with this Japanese guy. Sensei.

He knows zero karate.

Oh, he doesn't know karate. He's claiming to know karate?

He doesn't know karate. I don't think he knows karate.

Well, then what does he call it when I roundhouse kicked him in 10th grade?

Callahan and Chilli did get in a huge fight sophomore year of high school and Callahan did just tag Chilli with a beautiful roundhouse kick.

But in Chilli's defense, when Callahan kicked him...

He shit in his pants!

Yeah, okay, that never happened.

And it's nice to actually get an opportunity to address it directly.

By all means. I'm all ears.

I mean, I was very sweaty. It was warm out.

The sweaty ass defense? He's been banging that drum for years.

Hottest October on record, if I recall. Look it up.

Wall Street Journal, you have fact checkers for this exact scenario, right?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

While you're at it, can you have the fact checkers look into if The Maury Povich Show is staged? 'Cause it feels staged, but he swears it's not staged.

But they do the exact same thing every time.

What?

Ah!

Sable, I know where Jerry's gonna be. I need the tag.

Okay.

Yeah. Just picked up the tux.

All right, see you soon, babe.

Hey, Rob, how're you doing, bud? Good to see you.

You, too, man.

Gloria, ma'am.

My balloon! Whoa!

Hey, this must be yours, buddy.

Thanks, mister.

Oh, look at that. You gonna eat that whole thing?

You know what? You should consider some alternative snacks.

Keeping fitness fun, buddy.

Oh. Excuse me, ma'am.

You dropped your...

Men's athletic crossover-style boot, size nine and a half.

Suggests a man that is neither fashionable nor athletic.

Hoagie.

Little does Hoagie know I've been teaching a women's self-defense boot camp for six years.

First defense 101.

Class is in session.

Holy shit!


Hmm.

You're done, Hoagie. Never!

You're done.

Never!

All right, I'm done.

Dude, you look amazing, by the way. You've really upped your game!

How'd you know I was gonna be here?

Aha! Surprised you, right?

I saw the pick-up ticket for your tailor when we broke into your house the other night.

Impressive.

I'm taking you down, Jerry.

Well, we both know that's never gonna happen.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Coming through. Excuse me.

Oh, boy. Cavalry's coming in.

Hey, Jerry.

This old lady bothering you?

I'm good, Marvin. Thanks, man. Everything's all right.

It's just a friend of mine.

Hey, it's good to see you. Looking good, brother.

My man. Yeah, staying in shape.

What the fuck?

All right, well, maybe I'll call the police. All right?

This is assault. You willing to go to jail for this?

Oh, you're goddamn right, I am.

Okay, then maybe I will cause a big scene and get arrested also.

Then, once we both get to jail, I'll just...

What? Bribe a guard?

Be put in my cell? Yeah, I figured you'd say that. It's pretty obvious.

Hoag, you have to realize that's gonna take hours, during which time I'll have fashioned a shiv from my toothbrush and used it to murder my cellmate.

You'd just shiv your cellmate?

Don't worry. He's a bad person who's done terrible things, so justice is served.

Okay.

It gets me thrown in solitary confinement, which is what I want.

Out of reach. Completely untaggable.

Damn, you have thought this through.

Pretty good, right?

Look, understand two things, Hoagie.

First, you're not gonna screw up this wedding. Okay?

And secondly, I will never let you tag me.

You're gonna die before that ever happens. You understand that, right?

I don't fear death, Jerry. And I'm not gonna give this up till I die.

Okay. Good luck.

See you at the rehearsal, Jerry.

Mmm! These hushpuppies are insane.

All right, listen.

T-minus 34 minutes until this rehearsal dinner is over, and Jerry's fair game.

There's four of us. There's four exits. Let's fan out and trap this rat.

Okay? Synchronize your watches.

I don't know how to do that. I don't wear a watch.

Time is a construct.

Okay, uh, 5:00.

Could have said that at the beginning.

Well, we said it now.

5:00, how hard is that? 5:00, yeah, it's easy.

Hi, guys. How are you? How are you?

Sorry about the other night. That wasn't...

Oh! Yeah, that wasn't cool.

No. I mean, listen, I know it's not just you guys.

I mean, Jerry's worse than all of you.

He's very competitive.

When we were kids, we had a contest to see who could hold their breath for the longest underwater.

He almost died.

He won, but at what cost? Really?

Oh, I hope he's this competitive when it comes to being a father.

Are you pregnant?

Really? Yeah, that's why the Shirley Temple.

Oh, my gosh! I know.

Here, cheers! Congratulations, that's great!

Cheers, thank you! Oh, my gosh!

That's such good news. Thank you. Yeah.

We're not telling that many people. Okay.

Listen, I know it's gonna get a little wacky over the next couple of days with you guys.

Sure the fuck is, yeah. Okay.

Just don't go too far and go out there and play golf. It's amazing. Do something fun.

Okay? Okay. Bye, guys. See you.

I like her. She has a beautiful personality.

Very effervescent. Good energy. Good vibes.

Ah, don't believe a word she fucking says.

She's a hired hand. She's an actress.

What? I mean, look at this son of a bitch.

This is Colonel Sanders in the flesh. That's, like, her uncle.

It's the fucking Truman Show. Will you stop?

The whole thing. Jerry set it up. I guarantee it.

Every single person here has been hired.

You have gotta calm down.

Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm his wife.

Jerry, is that Cheryl Deakins?

Oh, yeah. Good. Hey!

You invited her? Yeah, of course.

What?

What? We're all old friends.

Makes sense.

I'm not buying this.

Is that, uh...

Cheryl Deakins.

You know she was coming, Bob?

I did not. I didn't either.

She looks good.

Great. She always does. Yeah.

Wow!

Uh, who is Cheryl Deakins?

Is she like the Yoko or something?

I don't get that reference, but she's someone whose presence causes strain on our group.

We've known her since grade school.

She was the first girl that Chilli and Callahan had a crush on.

When we were kids, Cheryl was into Chilli, much to Callahan's chagrin.

But young love is unpredictable.

Later that same year, she decided she was into Callahan, much to Chilli's chagrin.

But she always had a place in her heart for Chilli.

And this went on for decades.

And all of a sudden, she just married an orthodontist.

Huh.

They get all the chicks.

What?

How long has it been since you've seen her?

About 10 years for me. How about you?

Same, I guess.

Been a while. Sure has.

You sneaky trickster.

She looks amazing, and you know it. Think about this.

What if Cheryl ended up getting back together with our boy?

Chilli? Callahan?

Obviously.

Wait. What? Duh.

Did you say Chilli? You're Team Callahan?

Yeah! We've been married all this time, and you think she should end up with Callahan?

Of course. Wait, you think Chilli?

Wait, do you know those guys at all?

Who are you right now?

What? You're freaking me out.

I feel like I don't even know you.

You're like this foreign person.

Do you want me to be a foreign person?

What?

Here? Right now?

Because, um...

I just got lost on the way to bibliothéque, and I don't know where all my other French friends are.

Chantelle is here?

Chantelle is here with...

Oh, my God!

Honey, it's almost 5:00.

Keep your head in the game.

You're so good.

Come on, we'll go to the bathroom for five minutes.

All right.

It's crazy. Huh.

Hey, you should go talk with her. No, you should go.

Neither of you should.

Thanks. You're welcome. Neither one.

Shut up, Sable.

No, honestly, it should be you, Bob.

No, I think she really wants to talk to you

'cause I think girls really like, you know, depressed guys that still have a name for their bong.

Get a good one.

This is gonna go great.

Thank you.

All right, good advice.

Good luck.

Tell her I said hi.

Cheryl Deakins.

Chilli Cilliano.

How'd you know it was me?

I'd know that faint smell of sativa and Old Spice anywhere.

Yeah. I had to get a little stoned.

I can't be sober at these things. They're awful.

That was the wrong choice, man.

What?

Neither of you should have gone, but if one of you should have went, then it should have been you.

How many wines have you had?

How many legs does an octopus have?

Well, eight.

I see that you've been rejecting fashion trends and haircuts and maybe hygiene. I respect that.

Well, I think respect is the key to the beginning of rebuilding a friendship.

Is that a saying? Maybe? Yeah, sure. Who said that?

I don't know. I wanna hear about this husband of yours.

What's the story? Is he still charming, sensible, rich?

No. Dead.

Yeah, same with me.

Dead to me. Divorced.

No, I mean he's "dead" dead. He actually died.

He's dead?

For real?

Oh...

Yeah, he, um...

He died in a car crash. We were separated already.

Oh, you already separated.

Yeah. And now he's dead. He's gone.

He's gone. Officially.

Act a little more upset about it.

I know, but, anyway, how are you? How's your life?

Great. I lost my business. Divorced. Playing tag competitively.

Pretty much rock bottom.

Are you trying to make me horny? Fuck yes, lam.

'Cause it's happening. It is?

Oh, yeah.

So have you tried the hushpuppies, or what?

What do you think they're talking about?

I don't know, and I don't want you to worry about it.

We've got 15 minutes.

Oh, Chilli, I think about you all the time, Chilli.

Oh, yeah? But what about Callahan? He's so handsome.

He's very handsome, but he's a selfish lover with a small dick.

Really?

Plus he sobs after he comes.

Okay.

Wow.

It's okay, Callahan. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Okay, you know what? You guys are all 12-year-olds.

Oh, Chilli.

Hey, Cheryl, I want to reconnect.

Oh, yeah.

What's happening now? Oh, Bob!

Yeah, I'm just... Oh, I'm just feeling the vibes.

I mean, who wants to have sex with a guy named Bob?

"Oh, Bob." Just doesn't sound right. "Oh, Bob." won, Bob." won, Bob."

"Bob. Bob, Bob." "Oh, Robert."

"Bob."

I wasn't gonna text you, you know?

I didn't wanna mess with you when you were married.

No, I think that's nice. Respectful.

If I knew he was dead, I would have texted right away.

All right. Okay.

No! Please don't leave on that! No, it's fine.

We're good. We're good. I'm just gonna use the ladies' room.

I'll see you later. Okay.

It's nice to see you. It's great to see you.

You too.

Widowed.

Cheryl Deakins.

What are you doing here?

And where are the urinals?

Probably in the men's room.

You haven't changed a bit. Thank you.

No, that was not a compliment.

Well, I have matured.

Have you? Really?

Because this old move where you follow me into the bathroom, it's exactly what you did at junior prom.

It was a good move then, and it's a good move now.

Marginally nicer bathroom. Mmm.

Do you wanna get a drink?

Uh, actually, I think I'm gonna head home.

Can I give you a ride?

Sure. Great.

Right after we have that drink.

Oh, I see what you did there.

Okay, guys. It's almost go time. ls everybody in position? Over.

Sable is in position.

Chilli! Yeah. Let's get him.

Callahan. Callahan, do you read me? Over.

Callahan. Where are you, buddy?

Callahan!

We got an unguarded exit, okay?

Hi.

Callahan!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go!

Not today, motherfucker!

Hey, thanks for coming. Appreciate it.

Go! Go!

Come and get it, bitches!

Get in! Get in! We're close. We're close.

Go!

Hold on! Hold on! Go, go!

Go faster! Go faster!

Giddy up!

We're coming for you!

Go, Hoagie, go!

Jesus!

Incoming!

Son of a bitch! Come on!

CHILLll Go! Go!

God, I wish I had my gun here.

There are so many good birds to shoot.

So this is a vacation for you?

Yeah. I mean, some couples go on cruises. Some couples go camping.

Some couples go to strip clubs and have gangbangs, and this is just what we do. This is what we love.

This is our gangbang.

You know, it seems to me like you'd be really good at the game.

Why don't you play? Well, they came up with the rules when they were nine. No girls allowed.

And to be honest, I can get a little overly aggressive and competitive sometimes.

Come on, Jerry. You're dead meat!

Yeah, kick his ass!

Keep your eyes downfield!

Cut across the fourth fairway!

Don't fuck this up!

Yeah. Well.

Oh, I have to show you pictures of our kids.

Go, go, go!

Get him, Hoagie. Get him!

Hold on. Hold on.

Hoagie, stop!

Hoagie, what are you doing? I can't see!

Ahh! Whoo!

Everybody good?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Well, that happened.

Onward.

Let's get him.

Whoo! That was invigorating.

On.

That is psychological warfare right there.

That's impressive.

Yeah, that's a good move.

Good one, Jer!

There he is!

Hello, boys.

What?

What the...

How's he doing this?

All right, Jerry, stop!

He's multiplying! It's happening!

What the fuck? There's one!

One is there!

Hey! What?

You guys, there's so many. There's so many!

What the...

There he is! I'm coming for you, Jerry!

Chilli, you're not even it!

I'm on your ass!

Come on!

Oh, shit!

Shit!

This is terrible. This is pure bullshit.

We should not be here.

This is getting way too extreme.

I need you to buck up, Sable.

Yeah. Come on, let's stay focused.

Yeah, we bucked up out of the goddamn golf cart.

You smell that? Do you smell it?

It's Jerry. I smell him.

It's leaves and grass.

And centipedes.

Just typical woods stuff.

He's close.

I can feel it.

I can feel something.

Oh, shit!

Jesus! Oh, my God! Oh, shit.

Oh my, God! Wow, that's crazy.

Our friend is a psychopath, and this is scary.

He got me. I'm down.

This is on you now. Come here.

Let me tag you.

Come on!

All right.

I can see him.

He's at three o'clock. 50 yards out.

Three o'clock. Got it. Three o'clock.

Sable!

That three o'clock.

You didn't say which time zone, man! There's no time zones.

Why didn't you just point the first time? Next time, just point.

It's that way. Go!

Okay. Go, go, go.

Go, Sable, go!


I see you.

Yeah, motherfucker.

You're it!

Oh, I don't like that.

Sleep.

Sable?

Sable?

What happened?

Well, you got chloroformed.

Chloroformed? What?

Bob took our car, and now we're in a Lyft.

We're going to the Sandpiper.

I don't wanna be it anymore.

I don't wanna be it. Hoagie, it's on you, bud.

Now, what the fuck?

Wait. I'm confused. What just happened in there?

Well, Jerry woke up early, got some grounds crew to go out in the woods, build some snares and a swinging log trap, and, uh, wear matching outfits to act as decoys.

Maniac.

Are you okay?

Yes, yes. lam. lam... I'm good.

I am amazed that you're able to stay so optimistic after all that.

Well, some have said I am the heart and soul of the game.

No, you've said that.

You're the only person I've heard say that.

Well, technically "just me" fits the legal definition of "some," so suck a dick.

Well, it seems like the game has really kept you guys connected.

Exactly. Well, except Jerry.

What? Don't say that.

How often do you see Jerry outside of tag?

Hmm... Well, not super frequently, but...

I mean, would you consider that a close friendship?

Well, that's kind of a dicky question.

Thank you.

All I'm saying is, Callahan better fucking be here.

What's up? What?

Look who decided to show up.

What? I had a business call with Beijing.

Couldn't be helped. I'm sorry.

Business call with Beijing? It would have been 8:00 a.m. Saturday out there.

You doing business calls at 8:00 a.m. Saturday morning?

Why do you know so much about Beijing time zones?

2008 Olympics. Michael Phelps, baby.

Fair enough. Okay, anyway, I have an idea.

Anybody want to hear it? Yes.

What is it? Jerry's gym.

Someone there's gotta know where he is.

I like this. That's a good idea. Great!

Up top! Buckle up, gang! Yes! Giddy up!

You're it, by the way. What's wrong?

My fucking knee. What's wrong with your knee?

I got hit by a log.

You got hit by a log, what?

We were chasing him. I got hit by a fucking log. It really hurts.

I'm gonna go in. Fuck, I'm pissed off about this, but go.

You want me to call the pediatrician?

I'm an adult. I don't need a pediatrician.

You're not coming?

I think I'm gonna slow you down. Why don't you guys go?

After the gym, let's meet up.

All right, fine.

Trust me, I wanna go, but I just...

Y'all need a sub? Huh? I'm in!

We're super good, man. Thanks!

We're good.

Who's banned now, bitch?

I'm okay. All right, guys. Take it easy!

Phew.

Oh, that knee healed up fast.

Stay out of this, Lou.

Oh, you saucy devil.

Hey, there, welcome to Granite Fitness. Get hard, stay hard.

Just so you guys know, we're going to be closing in five short minutes, but is there anything I can help you with?

Yes, Dave, in fact, there is something you could help us with.

How would you like to earn $500?

Okay, just so you guys know, I'm not sucking your guys' dicks, all right?

And I'm not letting you suck my dick either.

No one is talking about anyone sucking anyone's anything.

You sure about that? 'Cause this guy's eyeing me hard.

What?

I'm just saying, man, you've got that vibe.

Yeah? Stop it.

Hey, Sable, seriously. Chill.

Just stop it. Stop it.

It's too sexual. You're undressing me, literally, right now with your eyes.

Dave. 500 bucks, and all we want is to know where Jerry is.

Oh!

Jerry. Yes, okay, shit.

He did mention that some people were gonna swing by looking for him.

He left a message. Um, oh, yeah.

Go fuck yourselves.

Okay, look. $1,000. All right? Easy money.

Jerry won't even know that you sold him out.

I got a better idea. Why don't you go back to the little Best Western that you're staying in and jerk each other off in the nude?

Why do you keep taking this conversation into a sexual direction?

Listen, Dave. $1,500. Don't be an idiot.

Not a chance, you dick-sucking homophobes.

Hey! What?

Dave?

Do you know what we're gonna do?

What?

We're gonna waterboard you.

Don't be a hero, Dave.

Jerry doesn't give a shit about you.

So tell us where he is.

I'm never gonna tell you.

Last chance, Dave.

You're not gonna go through with this for some game, so quit jerking me off!

Oh, Jesus.

No one's jerking you off, kid, 'cause Jerry has pushed us to the fucking edge.

If you don't tell us what we need to know, you're going over the edge with us.

You ready to die for this shit?

I'd rather die than get sucked off by you homophobes.

We're not gonna suck you off. We're gonna waterboard you.

I'm just taking a principled stand right now.

Okay. Well, guess what. Now, this is gonna happen. All right?

Are you ready? I hope you can hold your breath, son!

Do it!

'Cause this is going right down!

Yeah! Yeah! You son of a bitch!

Here it comes!

It's coming! It's coming! It's coming!

Yeah. You know, we should not.

I feel like it would be way too much. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Phew. That got out of hand.

My heart is beating really fast right now.

We were just kidding. We were just bluffing.

No, we weren't fucking bluffing! Anna, Anna, Anna!

Oh, my God, no. Just, no. Sweetheart.

It's a war crime, right? It's not really who we are.

Yes, sorry.

We got a kinky cat over here.

Okay. Fuck you, Dave.

God, I love your passion.

I'll tell you what.

I will tell you where Jerry's gonna be for $2,000. Cash. American.

Okay, fine. No problem.

Why didn't you say that in the first place?

Why did you take us down this whole road?

Well, it looked like there was room to negotiate, and I was all prepared to do that.

But then we went down the whole torture track, and I just dug my heels in, philosophically.

I happen to be an objector.

We are too, obviously. Not really.

It was a bluff.

You know what? You should probably not write this down, and if it does come up, just mention that we didn't actually waterboard him.

No waterboarding.

Just a lot of talk about sucking each other's dicks.

Yeah.

Okay, look, you know what? Here.

I'm gonna give you $2,000, and I'm gonna give you an extra $500.

You just carry around that kind of cash all day?

You were mentioning something about Jerry, I think.

Yeah, uh, Jerry is in AA.

Wait, what? Yeah. Alcoholics Anonymous.

I know what it stands for. Wait, did you guys know anything about this?

He goes there every morning at a church on Brunswick.

Looking back, I can kind of see it.

I mean, the first step is recognizing you have a problem.

I'm just glad he's getting the help he needs.

Sorry, did you say that church is on Brunswick?

Yes. Okay!

Let's go! Clean up the water! Thank you!

So sorry.

I told you this wasn't gonna be just another boring corporate profile, right?

Right. This is definitely different.

And I know I'm no longer the center of the story, which is fine with me. I don't mind giving up the...

Bob, can I buy you a drink?

Can you fucking believe this? Hold on one second.

Maybe... One second, one second.

Terrible experience. So that we will never do it...

Hi! Hi! Wow! Look at this.

How you doing? Good.

Pretty good. Yeah, we're just catching up.

That's so nice. How's that knee?

It actually does hurt. Yeah.

But resting and talking to an old friend has actually really helped.

Thank you for asking.

Hey, how was the business call with Beijing?

Super good. It was?

Yeah, I got a lot done. Great.

Oh, what, you think I faked my business call to Beijing like you faked hurting your knee?

You know what, dude? I'm sick of this shit, Bob.

You're it. How about that? No! Pass.

You can't pass. And you can't tag back. You're it. I pass.

Oh, my God. It's like literally the first rule.

You're it! You're it! You're it! You cannot tag me back!

I'll rewrite the fucking rule book! Shut up!

Why're you acting like children?

'Cause he started it. You started it.

You literally started it.

No, you started it! "Oh, my knee hurts."

What do you think they're talking about?

Are we off the record?

Yeah, sure, sure.

No idea.

You know what? I shouldn't have come.

Jerry always gets in your head.

Did Jerry tell you to say that?

You part of the whole Truman Show of it all?

I mean, Jerry invited me to the rehearsal dinner because he thought it would distract you guys, which it did.

But, um, I wanted to see you. So I came.

Sure.

On, my God.

You guys are fucking idiots. Both of you. But I love you both.

I'm gonna go. Maybe I'll see you later. Or not.

Cheryl... Go get Jerry. He fucking deserves it.

Bye, Cheryl.

Wow!

What do you want?

There's gonna be plenty of time to get rejected by Cheryl after 12:00 a.m. on June 1st.

So what I need you guys to focus on, is the fact that we're a team.

Right? We love each other, and we love this.

Let's bask in that. Stay focused on our mission. All right?

Let's get back on this horse and ride.

Let's get this asshole.

Lou, not part of it. Not at all.

Now, shake.

Shake!

All right. Now we got some work to do.

Got it.

Go get him, sweetie.

Okay.

Hey, do you think we should talk to Jerry about being an alcoholic before we get into all this? No.

But now, I've been clean and sober for almost four years.

Thanks to all of you and that higher power. Amen?

Amen. Amen.

Jerry, you about ready to share?

Come on, y'all, let's give it up for Jerry.

My name is Jerry. Hi, Jerry.

The slight scent of weed. Chilli. He thinks he's caught me off guard.

Oh, my God! I've caught him off guard.

He rushes in from behind.

Idiot. I give him a wake-up call.

Hazelnut coffee? What kind of bitch drinks hazelnut?

Holy! Chilli! Hit me!

Get him!

I'm going to trap him and tag him in the face, and yet, in my heart of hearts, pretty sure it's not gonna work.

Hoagie's attempts to face me fail because he lacks confidence.

Also, I think it's fair to say, I'm fucking surgical with these complimentary donuts.

And this is why print journalism is dying.

Yes! This is the moment I've been waiting for.

I'm going to be the one who tags Jerry.

Callahan will become distracted by his own arrogant thoughts, which I will exploit.

This will be my victory, which makes sense because success breeds success...

Oh, God.

How come "bi-weekly" means both twice a week and every other week?

That's mad confusing and it's just linguistically lazy.

Oh, shit!

Holy shit! Excessive.

Feeling trapped, Jerry?

No.

Nice.

Holy shit!

No, no, no!

No, no, no!

We got you, Jerry! You're trapped!

Five hours till your wedding! We can wait it out if you can!

Shit. You know what I just realized?

There's a lot of sacramental wine and wafers in there.

He could survive for quite a while.

No, he can't drink.

Yeah, but it's not real wine. Yes, it is.

It's just grape juice. It's not wine.

I mean, I was once so fucked up that I took a shit in my niece's crib.

Oh. Twice, if you ask my sister-in-law.

So how long you been sober?

Oh, no, I'm not sober. I'm high right now.

I'm just here to tag my friend.

Good luck with the sobriety, man. That's cool. Definitely.

It's awful quiet in there.

You know what he's doing? It's a classic ruse.

Make them think there's an exit and he already escaped. Not buying it.

I buy it. I bet he has a secret door back there.

Refrigerator turns into an elevator.

What?

Takes the elevator down to the basement. That's his lair.

Different outfits, computer screens. What are you talking about?

Cameras watching us. He's not Batman.

Told you. In there.

What's it say?

"Eat my dick." "Eat my dick." "Balls." "Ass"?

"Butt."

"Ice cream."

What? What?

Yeah, he's taunting me. He knows I'm lactose intolerant.

What is going on? Where is he?

Where is he?

Jerry?

We're supposed to be getting our wedding photos done in an hour.

What are you doing?

Come on out, Jerry. Jerry, you can come out.

We're not gonna get you, Jerry.

Babe, look, calm down. Look, I'm sorry.

Shut up, Jerry. I can't fucking take this, Jerry.

She can't take it. Come on out.

Honey, why are you playing this game right now?

Why are you playing this game with your friends right now?

Why is he playing this game right now?

Hey, babe, look. You gotta calm down, okay?

Listen to me! It's very hard because you have decided to ruin everything.

And so have you.

With your stupid face, and your stupid beard, and your stupid glasses, and that stupid jumpsuit.

There's only so much a girl can take, and then you want me on top of that, just to...

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Babe? Suz? Sue? Jerry. Oh, my God.

Boo? Boo-boo? Sue?

Boo-boo? Boo-boo?

What happened? Wait, wait, wait. What happened?

Susan, are you okay?

Sit down, sit down, sit down. It's the baby. It's the baby.

It's finally happening. He's right here. Who's it? Bob, tag him.

Are you kidding me? What?

There's something wrong with her baby.

There's nothing wrong with that baby. It's a fake.

If you won't do it, then tag me. I'm gonna do it.

Oh, yeah. Fine. You want me to tag you, then?

Oops, I missed.

As usual, you're completely wrong.

This? You think I'm wrong? This is so over the top!

This is obvious.

Tag me, and I'll give him a hug.

And I'll say, "if she's having a miscarriage, "this is awful, and you're it."

Are you kidding me right now?

You know what? This feels like a scene from What Would You Do?

You get put in a precarious situation, and you have to make the right decision.

It's all actors and cameras.

It's not great television, but it hooks me in.

What?

Come on.

All right, we're good. We're gonna get to the hospital.

Jesus. Hey! Jerry? Jerry, if you need anything I could easily...

You come near her or my baby, I'll crush your windpipe, Bob.

This ain't no fucking game.

Uh...

I'm pretty sure it's real, guys.

I will be so pissed if she didn't have a miscarriage.

Chilli!

We all would be.

It's just a thing you don't... Say.

It's implied.


Hey, Linda. Namaste.

Shouldn't you boys be getting cleaned up for the wedding?

Not you, Chilli. You're perfect.

Thanks, Linda.

I don't think anybody's gonna be freshening up.

Hoagie, you can't go looking like that.

"To everyone asking, the wedding has been postponed.

"Thank you for your thoughts and prayers."

It's from Jerry's mom.

Well, maybe we're bad people. Maybe?

Yes, I think we definitely are.

We might be.

Tag used to be a thing that made me really happy.

But now, it's destroying me. I feel sad.

Shut the fuck up, Sable.

Has anyone seen the bridesmaids' Instagram stories?

Check it out.

"Wedding's canceled." Sad face emoji.

"I can't wear the dress. Such a pretty dress.

"So sad." Goodbye emoji. “Was it a..."

Really? ls there any chance that all these women could post banal, minute-by-minute moments from their day, with mind-numbing captions at the same time?

Totally. Absolutely. That's all Instagram is.

Yeah. I don't know about this, guys.

It doesn't feel right. I smell a rat.

That's what I've been saying.

I have been actually saying this the whole time.

Hey, sweetheart, can we just move on? It's over.

But it's not. Now, come on, guys.

I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

Bob. What'd I do?

Can I take a photograph of you?

No. Okay.

Cute.

I'm gonna set up an Instagram account for you.

Please don't.

Rachel Ditmus is the only bridesmaid with a private Instagram account.

She's been wanting you to finger bang her since the sixth grade.

If anybody's stupid enough to fall for our request, it will be that dum-dum.

And sent. All we've got to do now is wait.

And accepted!

Really? That was weirdly fast.

Do not finger bang her.

Oh, my God. I was right.

What? What are we looking at here? What the hell is this?

A wedding dress.

What the fuck?

They faked the fucking miscarriage!

No, no, no. Jerry's going down. We're gonna destroy that wedding.

Let's go! This is bullshit. That is so fucked up.

Absolutely.

Hoagie?

Hoagie, what are you doing?

Damn it!

Sweetie. Hoagie?

Be careful.

Should we stop him, or...

I'm not getting near him. He's swinging that bat around.

Sweetie, that's your mom's. Yeah, you're gonna hurt yourself.

We lost! He beat us! The game is over!

We can't tag Jerry.

It's just time for us to come to terms with that. He's untouchable. That's it.

What do you wanna do? You wanna just give up?

Yeah, Bob. I wanna give up. It's time to give up.

Come on, Hogan. You're not a quitter.

What's the alternative?

We go to the wedding. We try to tag him. We fail.

And we fuck up the wedding?

That's not a cool move. That's a dick move.

That's not what friends do. That's what assholes do.

Hoagie! He faked a fucking miscarriage.

This is a miscarriage of justice.

This is where we get him.

He deserves to pay for that.

Even if we wanted to do that, we all signed an amendment.

Amendments are null and void if you fake a miscarriage.

That's just basic contract law.

That's law. Basic contract law. Law.

Like he said.

I literally said exactly that. I know. We're saying it together.

But I was also right earlier because I said the miscarriage was fake.

The amendment stands, and maybe that's a good thing.

Maybe it's time to grow up a little.

Uh... I'm going to the wedding.

And you guys can do what you want. I hope you come too.

Chilli, just put on a tie.

Sweetie.

Do you even have a tie?

Yes, I have a tie.

Do you need to borrow a tie? Yes, I need to borrow a tie.

Okay.


Hi! I'm so glad you made it!

Is that champagne?

I know. Ugh.

I'm the girl who cried miscarriage.

But I had to get him out of that room and distract you for a couple of hours so that the amendment could kick in.

Wait. Are you even pregnant?

No, I was never pregnant.

You were never pregnant?

Whoa.

Just listen. Jerry knew that you guys might get the drop on him so "Operation Miscarriage" was our fail-safe.

It was an operation? It was actually my idea.

Brilliant. Brilliant! Ah, thanks.

That's diabolical.

Everyone's just pissed because you won, and they're boys.

They can't get pregnant, so they can't fake a miscarriage.

It's true.

Look, I'm not saying I want you to have a miscarriage.

Then don't.

'Cause that would be terrible. But if you ever do have a miscarriage, I don't wanna say that you would deserve it 'cause that's too far, but what I will say and what I do feel is that's what you get.

Okay. It's fine. We can all have different feelings.

But it's our wedding day, you guys. Come on.

And we came up with this great amendment so that we could all enjoy this day together and have fun and relax.

Are we cool?

Yeah, I guess so. Not yet.

Sorry. Not cool yet. It's just, you did murder a child.

No.

She didn't. No, it was a fake miscarriage.

Yeah, not the imaginary child that was inside of you, but the actual inner child that lives inside of me got decapitated.

Head flew up, did flips in the air, blood spurting everywhere.

Hoagie, Jerry has a perfect record, and we're a team now.

The winning team.

And I just feel like, Hoagie, if you're gonna play a children's game as a grown man, maybe, next time, don't play like a child.

Anyways, I am really excited you guys are here.

Try the raw bar. It's off the hook.

It's my wedding! I'm getting married!

Congratulations. Come on! Grab it!

I take back everything I said about her being effervescent.

I met Jerry in AA.

You see, people, I got a lot of problems.

Anger issues. I left my wife. I have many kids.

And this man got me to turn to the cloth.

It was a low point in my life.

There was jail time involved.

I briefly converted to Islam.

I lost a long legal battle with Jo-Ann Fabrics.

During that time, I got to know Jerry and Susan as a couple.

And that is a true blessing.

What's the difference between Episcopalian and Lutheran?

Episcopalians don't eat fish.

That's pescatarian. That's not a religion.

They're all fanatics. I don't know.

Remind me again, is it on the kiss or after they walk back down the aisle?

Seriously? You said you'd worked weddings before.

The kiss, the doves, end of ceremony. The groom was very specific about this.

...and finds new ways of expressing love through the ups and downs of life.

Susan, do you take Jerry to be your husband?

Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and protect him, forsaking all others, holding only to him forever more?

I do.

Beautiful.

There's gonna be a window.

What, sweetie? The doves.

What about the doves?

There's an opening.

Just relax, honey.

You seem stressed.

Jerry, do you take Susan to be your wife?

Do you promise to love, honor, cherish, and protect her forsaking all others, holding only to her forever more?

I do.

I mean, this is actually kind of beautiful.

It really is, man.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

I love you.


Hoagie! Go, go, go!

Oh, God! Guys, go! Hoagie! You okay?

Jesus.

Hey, man.

Buddy?

You scared away the swans. Hoagie?

Hogan? Hogan. Hoagie!

I can't believe that you guys did this. Right now.

Well, I don't think you get to claim the moral high ground over us, actually.

Yeah, you're not better than us.

You and your wife pretended to have a goddamn miscarriage.

Misunderstanding! Misunderstanding.

Misunderstanding. In her vagina.

Wow. Oh, boy.

Guys, call a doctor!

Can you hear me? Buddy?

Hey! Somebody get a doctor!

Bud? He's gone full loss of consciousness.

That's impressive.

Even better than your performance. Right?

I know! It's so good!

Excuse me, uh, everyone...

Everything's fine.

Uh, this is all just a game.

He's still unconscious, but he's stable.

He really should never have been this active given his condition.

You can see him when he wakes up. Thanks.

I got this.

Excuse me, Doctor. Hey, how are you?

Yeah. Doctor, uh... Doctor Yoon, is it?

Yes. How do you spell that?

You're looking right at it. I know, but I'm just asking you.

What exactly are you asking me?

My friends and I do this thing. It's this really weird game.

Is there any chance this is all fake, that you could just tell me.

I won't tell the others.

Is this fake?

This hospital? The whole thing, yeah. Is it fake?

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

He told you to say that, right?

Look, I gotta prep a surgery. Will you just do me one quick favor?

Could you recite the Hippocratic Oath for me?

That's not a thing doctors memorize.

Still unsure.

It's gonna be fine. It's just, it was a lot.

I mean, how does that all happen at a wedding?

Hey, boss.

How did that go?

I'm all turned around.

About what?

If he's an actor or if he's not.

He's not. He's a doctor. We're in a hospital.

You're drinking the Kool-Aid.

All right. What do we do?

Look, Chilli, what's wrong with you? Just go talk to the girl.

Could be a trap.

She's here for a friend who is in the hospital. Okay?

You know I'm right. I'm always right.

Okay, you're right about this, but you are not always right.

Buddy, I'm always right, and you know it's true.

Bob, you're not always right.

100%... 1989.

Oh, come on.

Ken Griffey Jr. enters the league, and what do you say?

"He will never be as good as his father."

And he's better than his father.

Where are the rings? You are so wrong!

The historical record has proven that I am right.

You know what? Time will tell.

You will never admit that you are wrong about anything.

I'm not wrong.

Come on, it's been a while since we've done this.

Come here, man.

This was a fun few days, man.

I really missed you. I missed you too, man.

You want a breath mint? No, I don't want a breath mint.

Stop it. You want a breath mint?

I would love a breath mint. I got a gross taste in my mouth.

Hey, mind if I sit?

No.

Thanks for coming.

I hope he's okay. Yeah, me too.

Um...

I don't know if that... We're in a hospital and...

You know? Yes.

My friend is possibly dying.

But it feels like a time I need to tell you how I feel about you, and I am so pumped that your husband's dead.

No. No.

But I'm really happy to see you, Cheryl.

You are broke and divorced and just a fucking mess, really. Yeah.

But it's fun to see you, too.

Good. All right. I'll take that.

I actually think that...

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I would see you again.

For real? Yeah.

Like a little date. No, definitely didn't say that.

Like a dinner. Smaller than that.

Like a lunch. How about a snack?

I'll take what I can get.

Hoagie, I know you're fucking with me.

I'm not. I've got a tumor on my liver the size of my right nut.

Jesus.

Yeah.

I know you're fucking with him, but what are you doing? What's the plan?

Tell us what's going on. Chilli, there's no plan.

What's going on?

There's no plan, Chilli.

Stop winking at me.

Think it's real. This looks like it's doing something.

Something real is happening on this thing right here.

How long have you known this?

For three weeks.

Three weeks.

Right nut. Too specific, I call bullshit.

That's a lie. Right? It's a lie.

I'm not lying.

Although I did lie about one thing.

Jerry's not quitting at the end of the season.

What? Why the fuck would I quit?

Yeah, I just... I said that to get everyone together, you know, for one last round.

Hoagie, tell me you are fucking joking about this.

Uh, no.

There is a decent chance I will not be around for next season.

Damn.

And, I mean, plus, even if you were, you'd be, you know. Really slow.

A total sitting duck.

Carrying like an IV bag around, that's easy.

I had an uncle that went through chemo, and afterwards, he was terrible at games.

But I guess that makes sense. It would be weird if he got better.

Then everybody would be getting chemo.

I love you guys.

I love... I love this game. You know?

I don't know what it is. It just brings out the best in us.

Except today.

Today, I don't know.

I really fucked up your wedding, Jerry, and I am super sorry.

Jerry?

Has he hung up? Jerry?

You didn't fuck up my wedding, Hoagie. Come on.

Right? No.

You might have ruined a moment.

I screwed it up. You should've been up there with me.

All you boys should've.

That's my fault.

I always thought that you guys were just much closer to each other than to me...

What?

I mean, if it seems like we were closer, it's only because we're physically closer because you always ran away.

Successfully. You know, I mean, not for nothing, you might actually be the very best person at this game on the planet.

He might be, right?

Yeah, you're really good at tag.

Yes, but you've kind of missed the point.

I mean, it's not about trying to get away from each other.

It's actually about having a reason to be around each other. You know?

Yeah.

I mean, Ben Franklin said it best. Am I right?

"We don't stop playing 'cause we grow old..."

"We grow old because we stop playing."

I've been wanting to say for a few years that quote is not Benjamin Franklin.

That is German anthropologist, Karl Groos.

La, la, la, la, la... Why are you ruining the moment?

I just don't even want to know. He's in the hospital.

It felt like the right moment. It's not the right moment, so...

It is the right moment. It isn't.

So, Jerry, uh...

It's 11:55.

Get in here, and let me tag you.

You know, I've been so attached, I suppose, to my perfect record all these years, dominating you fools.

Maybe I should. Maybe I shouldn't.

If you think about it, Jerry is a tag virgin.

Or champion.

Just let us deflower you.

We'll be gentle.

I can't.

Come on.

I can't do it.

Then I'm not gonna tag anybody, and the game ends with me.

That's dark.

Or you just let me tag you.

All right, fuck it.

It! Oh, my God!

Loser! Loser!

You suck!

Awesome.

Yes! You officially suck.

Oh, you're so it!

Goddamn! All right!

I love you guys.

Love you too, man.

You know we got five minutes left of May.

I ain't gonna be last it. Bitches!

Look, Bob! Where are you gonna go, Bob?

No!

Verbal amendment? That women should be playing.

Amendment. Yeah, amendment.

Oh.

Oh, you just made a big mistake.

You're it, bitch! You're it now!

You're going down! You're too intense!

You're gonna suck my tiny ginger balls.

Oh! Gross!

You're gross!

Come on! Shit! No.

You're it. No, I can't get involved in the story.

We made an amendment!

Come on, it's a little bit fun, right? You have about three minutes.

Sable! Come on. Where are your ethics, buddy?

Come on. Just reach out.

SUSAN; No! You got it.

Oh, shit, hang on a second.

You Okay?

You all right? Yeah.

You're it!


Tag, brother!

You're it!

I'm it? You're it?

Now you're it.

You got me. No way!

Not bad, huh'? Pretty hot? Wow.

You're it!

Yeah, baby.

Hey, fucker. You're it!

You're it! Yeah!

You're it, baby!


Once, there was a kid who Got into an accident and couldn't come to school But when he finally came back His hair turned from black into bright white

He said that it was from when the cars Had smashed him so hard Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm Once, there was this girl who Wouldn't go and change with the girls in the change room But when they finally made her They saw red marks all over her body

She couldn't quite explain it They'd always just been there Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm Baa, baa, baa, baa Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm Baa, baa, baa, baa Ooh Yeah Hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey Mmm, mmm Both the girl and the boy were glad

'Cause one kid had it worse than that

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm Hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah

You're it. Fucked