Take Me Home Tonight (2011) Script


MAN: Tori Frederking is back.

Her parents sent her to Europe for the summer as a graduation gift, but she's back.

And I have three confirmed sightings of her in this mall.

Matt, I don't care about Tori Frederking.

I care about her, aged to perfection.

Man... Daddy likey.

Barry, you gotta focus here, man.

I'm talking about The Frederking.

You have to focus, OK? That was in the tenth grade.

You got truth-or-dared into a closet with the girl.

It was literally seven minutes in heaven.

When we got out of that closet, she told everyone at that party that I was an amazing kisser.

...amazing kisser. She did.

But you didn't kiss her.

You spent seven minutes shitting your pants and not making a move.

I know, that's what makes her so fucking awesome.

When I got out of the closet, everyone started ragging on me for choking, she lied and said that I was an amazing kisser.

Pretty stellar move, huh? To the max.

Oh, my God, I've been hearing this story since we shared our mother's uterus.

Oh, and by the way, did you even have the balls to ask her out after that?

I can't recall. No, but only because...

BOTH: ...I never had my in. Don't do this.

Hey. Come on.

How do you always know what I'm gonna say? Fuck!

You guys are really freaking me out with that twin shit.

Watch and learn, brother.

I'm going in.

Eye of the tiger, buddy.

Eye of the tiger. (BREATHES DEEPLY)

I don't like how this looks.

No, no good.


So... (CLEARS THROAT) So you like, uh, music?

I hate it.

Swing and a miss.

Ooh... Swing and a miss.

(MATT): Oh, not the book, Barry.

Oh, no, no, not The Art of War Oh, God.

You ever read, uh... Sun Tzu's Art of War?

I have. it's amazing.

I'll give you my number.

I'll loan it to you.

Get back to me at a later date of your choosing, and we'll have a...

I don't know, a bottle of chilled white zin.

Holy shit!


I'm free on, uh... Saturday.

(WHISPERS) call me.


Win one for the Gipper. (AUDIENCE CHEERING)


Hey, Tori!

Hey, guys.



This humpback whale just swims by me, right?

I've never felt so scared in my life.

That's when it hit me.

This is what I want to do with my life.

This is what I want others to see.

That's why the second I got back to LA...

Boom! Open Mint Travel.

Wait, you own it? Yeah, dude.

Went to the bank, got a loan.

Pieces fell right into place. Huh.

So what about you? I thought you went to, uh...


Yeah. I just graduated. But, uh, I hated it.

Yeah, it was all, like, theory and machines, and I was on this one-way highway, and I was, like, you know, "Rest stop, please!"

So this is a rest stop?

Oh, yeah, but this is totally temporary.

You know what you should do?

You should travel.

See the world, find your humpback whale.

You come see me, OK?

Seriously, it's a slow season right now.

Everybody's at work or school.

Perfect time for Matt to shine.

You take care, man.

Don't you forget it.


Excuse me. Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, don't I know you?

I don't think so.

No, I do. I know you from somewhere.


Oh, you went to Shermer, didn't you?

I did! Oh, that must be it. Yes.

Yeah, me, too. Oh, weird.

I actually think you were in my homeroom.

What? Yeah.

You're the really smart kid.


You won the attendance award, every year.

Yeah. It's me, Tori.

Matt Franklin.

I knew, I knew you from somewhere.


So you... What are you up to?

Well, uh, I went to Duke, and I graduated, with honors.


Yeah, and then I got awarded this internship at Drexel Burnham, so...

Well, I moved back.

Oh, it's an investment bank.

I know what it is.

Oh, I didn't mean to...

No, no, it's fine.

Just, I'm in the same business, so...

Really? Yeah.

Where do you work?

I'm at Goldman Sachs.

Oh, that's funny, I didn't know they had an office in Los Angeles.

I know, that's weird, uh...

(SIGHING) ...a lot of people don't.

I'm in Japanese takeovers.


So, are you going to Kyle Masterson's party tonight?

Uh, I don't know.

Oh. You should totally go. It was pretty good last year.

Word is, someone's gonna ride The Ball tonight.


Where are they?


(DINGING) Hello?

No. Just take it. Just...

Just take it. There we go.

I'll pay for it when this jackass gets back.

Great. Thank you.

So maybe I'll see you tonight...



Right, Tori. Sorry.


(LINE RINGING) MAN: Barry Nathan.

Dude, you are not gonna believe who was just in here. Tori Frederking.

Bottom line it for me.

I think she was flirting with me.

I honestly got that vibe.

That's highly unlikely. Can you do better for me, boss?

She said I should totally go to Kyle Masterson's party tonight.

This is it. I finally have my in.

(CHUCKLING) I see. We're going to that party.

I'm finally getting her phone number.

Yeah. That's all you got for me?

Oh, yeah, right. What do you know about investment banking?

(CHUCKLES) Nothing. Currencies?

Nothing? That's unacceptable.

You gotta bend a bit here more, boss.

This guy just had another baby!

Oh, you're trying to close a sale.

Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina.

(SING-SONGY) Vagina.

Good luck. We'll pick you up at five.

Fine! No, I will!

(SHOUTING) I'll take it out of my own goddamn salary!

Fine! No, thank you, it's a pleasure!

Such a fucking pleasure!

(SIGHING) I'm sorry that you had to witness that...


That bastard's not gonna budge, but, um, off the top of my head, this is what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna knock three grand off.

Your boss is standing right behind you.


And I'm not buying your bullshit... Barry.

Or a sedan.


(WHISPERING) Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.

Fuck me.


You know what? I gave up college for you bastards!



Oh, shit.

Start the engine! MATT: Oh, my God.


Oh, my God. Fuck you!

So, um, Dad, somebody's gonna ride The Ball tonight.

(CHUCKLES) Darling, nobody rode that thing when I was a kid, and nobody's gonna ride it tonight.

(WENDY MUTTERS) How's your dad doing, Barry?

Well, his parole got pushed back about six months, so he's pretty upset about that.

You know, I... (STAMMERS)

...still don't understand why they let you go.


BARRY: Seven years of my life, Libby.

They stole my youth.

FATHER: Well, look at it this way, Barry.

At least you went for it.

You realized a goal, you rolled up your sleeves and you applied yourself.

(GRUNTS) MATT: Well, I see the traditional evening's torture is in full swing.

Matthew, we had a deal.

You said, "Just give me the summer to figure things out."

Well, guess what. The summer's over. I want to hear your plan.

Dad, I guess my plan is to keep working at Suncoast until I figure out what I really want to do with my life.

Why don't you just get an engineering job until you figure it out?

Honey, we just think you have such potential.

I mean, you could be anything.

You could be an astronaut.

Oh. Problem solved. I'll just be an astronaut.

(WENDY SNORTS) Matthew, I didn't give a quarter of my savings to MIT so you could work at the mall.

I'll see you all in the morning. I gotta go to work.



Are you OK?

I applied to Cambridge for my master's.

Holy shit! You finally did it.

I don't want to open it. Why not?

Because I'm scared, dipshit.

Oh. Do you want me to open it?

No! No, Matt. No! Knock it off!

I think you do. Don't.

Wendy... You're going to England.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't even know if I'd go.


I don't know if Kyle would come or not.

We take possession of the condo on Tuesday.

His dad's put me in charge... Well, I mean, look, he'll visit.

He needs to experience a new language. Open it.

(SIGHS) I just applied to see if I could get in.

OK, Wendy, you know that I hate giving you compliments, right?


I've read your short stories.

They're amazing.

I know.

(CHANTING) Open it. Open it.

Open it.

Fucking open it.

No! OK, OK...

No, I'm not going to. No, not now.

No, I just want to have fun tonight.

Matt... don't tell anyone. Promise.

You can trust me.

I'm a Goldman Sachs man.

Good luck with that.


OK, here we go.

Nelson Mandela, Purple Rain, windsurfing...

Windsurfing? Windsurfing?

What am I doing?


I'll never get this girl.

Hey, hey, hey...

I don't want to hear that talk tonight.

OK? How long do I know you?

Since fifth grade. Since fifth grade. That's right.

You're whipping it real good now.

Look at you. You're the smartest guy I know.

Your acne is all cleared up.

Yeah. Hey...

You've had sex now.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna be with you every step of the way.

You're gonna do this, Matt. And you're gonna do it well.

You're gonna get this broad's number.

Hey, great work today, you guys, all right? Thank you very much.

Good job today. (SPEAKING SPANISH)

Appreciate it. Bien. Mucho.

MAN: Hey, Kyle. Kyle! Hey.

Get these lights on. Let's see what this looks like.

MAN: Hey, watch, I'm gonna school this bitch.

Guys, get a beer. You're off the clock. Hang out. Good job today.

Oh! Stellar! That's exactly what I'm talking about.

We having a party here or what?

Play that fucking music, white boy.


Oh, if I didn't have a cast on, I would school you little bitches.


Oh, shit. I... I can't show up in this car.

WENDY: Why not? Uh...

The Frederking does not roll in a kumquat.


Whoa. That's my graduation bottle from MIT.


Come on, I was saving that for something special.

(BELCHING) it's kind of special that I've never drunk this much this fast before.

Hey, listen, you will get through this.

Hey! I got fired today, OK?


I didn't go to "screw all day and drink all night" college, like you twin bastards did.

Tonight, I'm catching up!

Take a right at these lights up here. (BELCHES)

WENDY: Why? Take a right!

I'm sorry.

I'm having no part of this.

Yeah, Barry, I'm a little fuzzy on how we're gonna get away with this.

I have a set of keys.

I know all the alarm codes.

It's almost perfectly legitimate.


You just honk the horn if anyone shows up.

Roger that.

Come on.

Listen, Barry, I really don't want to spend tonight in the LA County Jail, giving some white supremacist a crying blowjob.

That's not gonna happen, Matt.

There's no way you'd cry. (CHORTLES)

Look. Mike, the prick bastard sales manager who fired me, keeps the keys to the 56OSL in his prick bastard desk.

WENDY: Come on, come on, come on...

(ALARM BEEPING) I don't know, man.

What? We're gonna bring it back later. Nobody's gonna know the difference. OK?

I don't know. What if someone sees us? I think there might be security cameras.

Matt, stop thinking. OK? Tonight, we're just doing.

Shut off the alarm. No problem.





They changed the alarm codes, man. Those bastards didn't trust me.

(BEEPING STEADILY) I wonder why?



Oh, my God. Holy fuck. This is great!



You pussy! Get back in the game!

Come on!

(GRUNTS) Oh, God!


Top down! Top down!

What the hell is he doing?





Test drive?



What the fuck? Holy shit! Woo!

Stole a car! Holy shit.

We stole a car! Barry, holy fucking shit.

Woo! Unbelievable.




I've never driven a 56OSL before, Matt.

They never let me.

Uh, man... Maybe you should take it back.

No. You need this car tonight, Matt.

You need this car tonight!

Woo-hoo-hoo! Woo!


WENDY: Oh, my God.

Think your prick bastard boss keeps a comb in here?


Are you stupid?

What is that finger thing?

I don't know.

Tastes like aspirin.

My tongue is numb.


Holy shit, Barry, that was awesome!

Fantastic. Oh, my God.


MATT: Huh? My God!


Sunshine! Hammer pants!

Hey. How's it goin', out-points?

Hey, did you two manage to fuck each other yet?

What? What?

Oh, shit! Matt! Matt Franklin!

And, uh... your buddy you're always hanging out with.

What's up? You never make these things, man!

So that's The Ball.

In person, live, via satellite!

You know, it's not "via" anything.

It's right here. Yeah, you get the point.

I don't think he knows what "via" means.

Fuck you. Drop it. Right now. Or "satellite."

I hate you.

Wendy, get up here.

Come on, baby. Oh...

Get your hot ass up here and give me a kiss.

Be careful. KYLE: It's amazing.

Hi. Hi.


...totally bogus. OK, Matt. Share with everybody.

Nothing. Go ahead. What?

What were you saying?

This looks suicidal, man.

Come on. You just don't like it because The Ball represents balls, which you don't have.


Oh, is this one of those met-o-phors?

Matt... Wendy, no, I got this one.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a metaphor.

So The Ball, is... balls.


Good one.

This is wrong. That is a metaphor.

I totally got him.

WOMAN: Oh, my God! Exclamation point!

(GASPING) Graham Franklin!

Do not go anywhere!


MAN: Nice shades, asshole!

Well, no sign of The Frederking.


Man, I feel like I'm in tenth grade again.

I'm gonna put these on ice.

MAN: Hey, Franklin!

Down here, Han Solo. Aah! Fuck!

Carlos? What happened to you?

Sixty-seven times 365.

You're in a wheelchair. Answer.

Twenty-four thousand, four-hundred and fifty-five. What's up?

I've been really lazy. No, I'm just kidding.

I got hit by a drunk driver right after graduation.

But don't cry for me, Argentina.

It's not so bad. I get better parking, tons of pussy.

I mean, I have stronger opinions about hills now, but whatever.

So what have you been doing? Building jet packs?

Uh, no, I work at Goldman Sachs.

No you don't. No way you work there.

No, I do. I work in Asian takeovers.

That's funny, 'cause you know where I work?

Goldman fucking Sachs. You don't work there.

You work at Goldman Sachs?

You bet your legs I do.

Think I'm gonna let this shit hold me back?

You don't need to walk to speculate currencies.

I said, you don't need to walk to speculate currencies!

I'm doing what I want. I'm following my dream. Eat it.

I thought you wanted to play baseball.

Fuck you, Franklin.

Uh... Look, do you know Tori Frederking?

Yeah, I know her.

Well, if you see her, could you show her this, and tell her I work at Goldman Sachs?

Wow, that's pathetic, dude.

Probably not gonna work, either. We don't have an LA office.

Everybody knows that who has half a sack. Spelled with a K.

Well, just, you know, don't rat me out.

Yeah, I'll think about it. If I'm not getting laid.

When I'm getting laid, I don't think about much else.

Anyway, I'm kind of getting bummed out, talking to you.

What do you do, anyway? Thought you went to MIT.

I work at Suncoast Video.


Congratulations? Mom and dad must be psyched.

I'm gonna get outta here. Check this out. Moonwalk.

Could you guys move? I'm trying to fucking party here.

And it's Kyle's crazy grandma standing there, and she says... Listen to this.

"l can't tell if you're fucking or drowning, but neither one is letting me get any sleep!"


So embarrassing!

And so next day, my dad pulls me aside, and he offers to help with the down payment on the condo.

Yeah. So, you know, I guess we screwed ourselves into the market.


It's... But it's true. Literally.

Hey. Hi.

Yeah. Anyway, so we're moving in on Tuesday, and...

But it's great, 'cause the place has a hot tub, and it has a great kitchen... Oh, it's beautiful.

(CLEARS THROAT) it's all black ivory...


Hi. I can't handle this right now.

I want to do some of the coke.

What do you mean you can't handle this?

I want to do the coke. No, what can't you handle?

Not doing the coke.

OK, Barry, we're not cocaine people.

A, my dad's a cop.

B, I'm defining my gray area, which I'm pretty sure doesn't include hard narcotics.

Give me the bag. No.

Give me the bag or you don't get the car keys.

All right, just take it easy, Scarf ace.

This one here is an alarm...



MAN: Tori Frederking?

TORI: Rick Herrington!

Oh, my God! (CHUCKLING) How are you?

I am so good! Wow!

You look... Oh!

(LAUGHING) Wow, good, good.

Hey! Hey! How are you?

Richard, Rick. What's up, man?

Good to see you. Good to see you.

TORI: How are you?

Good, you know, we're just packing up.

We're moving in together next week, so...

Oh, wow. KYLE: We got a condo.

WENDY: Baby, tell 'em the story.

We're here Fourth of July.

You know, my family always has the big party here, and, uh, the house is packed with relatives, and so there's no place for us to...

I know. You know.

So we come down to the pool, where it's always kind of quiet, right?

And we're, you know, getting into it before long, water splashing, I'm... WENDY: So embarrassing.

Out of nowhere, a floatation ring hits me in the head.

And I'm, like, mid-pump. I was like, "What?"

And I look, and it's my crazy grandmother, and she says to me, "l can't tell if you're fucking or drowning, but neither one is letting us get any sleep."

Next day, Dad pulls us aside and offers to help with the down payment on the condo.

Yeah, so I guess we screwed ourselves into the market.


That was good.

Hey, Matt, you remember Tori.

Whoa! Yes! Weird. Hi.

How's it going? Mark?

Oh, very funny.

It's Matt...

(STAMMERS) ...is my name.

(SIGHS) So... High school again, huh?

Freaky deaky.

How's that? How...?

Wow, this breeze is great.

It's like... windsurfing weather. You know?

I'll tell you, I'd love to be out on my board tonight.

You're into windsurfing? Mm. Hell yeah.

Oh, yeah, big time. You?

No, I'm not.



Yeah, no, well, 'cause... wind?

Fuck that.

Um, I should probably go check to make sure we're not running out of soda inside.

So I'll see you guys later.

I'll come with you.

All right. Rick, good seeing you.

See you.

You know, it's funny... Hey, you ever find yourself in Paris?

TORI: Uh... Yeah, actually.

RICK: Yeah? There's a... (STAMMERS)

...a lovely bistro right around the corner from the Sorbonne called The Entrepôt. TORI: Oh...

RICK: Its chèvre chaud is impeccable.

TORI: When were you there? RICK: I got back three...

You are doing cocaine. (RAPID TAPPING)


(EXHALING) Oh, my God.

Looks so easy in the movies.

Let's do this.

You're gonna do this.

(IMITATING PACINO'S SCARFACE) OK? You get off a banana boat?


Nostrils ready. We're doing this.






Great. I get stuck with a bag of shit.





Hey! You're hot!


I'm growling at you!

Did you hear me? I was growling at you like a lion!

A lion in the jungle!

I'm Barry!


Confirmation. Yeah, you're hot!

What? Hello!

Uh! Red sash, shoulder pads, zipper!

You're tall!

But I can still hear you!

Whoa! You're gonna hurt somebody, man!

You're gonna take someone's eye out!

That guy's my boyfriend.

Hope he screws better than he dances, huh?

Wait a minute. Oh, shit, he's about to do the splits!

I can see it in his eyes! There he goes!

He's got no testes left!

He's got no testes left! Come on!

Who's got a watermelon?

Yo, yo, yo, yo!

Yo. Go find your own date, boy!

Oh, oh, oh, I got my own date, boy!

I think that you used to know her. What!




Yeah, what's up? You wanna dance? Let's go.

Let's see what you got, boy!

(SINGING "OH, SHERRY") Oh, yeah.

Take a good look around you.

Everything changes, but nothing "changes".

Yeah, I hear you, Broder.

BRODER: Honestly...

So anyway, I've been getting into this whole wine thing lately.

Tasting it and talking about it... (CHUCKLES)

We should go down on my dad's boat and do a little sampling.

Oh, hey! (CHUCKLES)

There you are!

Matt? Hello?

Weren't you gonna show me that thing?

Right, the... waterfall. Yes!

You see it on the other side of the patio. I'll show you now.

I love waterfalls. Oh, great.

OK, I will just be back in a bit.


How do you like that? That was awesome.

It was really good. Yeah.

I've got goose bumps. I know.

I love your sweater. Thanks.


Those waterfalls, I was... you know.

There's no waterfalls.

I know.


Have you seen Niagara?

No, I haven't. Have you?


Hey, Tori, uh...

You... Hey! Everybody!

Barry Nathan and Tyler Cummings are having a dance-off!



BARRY: But I am, my ridiculously dressed friend.

I am in downtown Tokyo. I am the samurai dance master, and I'm gonna dance your demi-plié-ing ass into the ground!

Yo, DJ! Hit it!




Wow. He's amazing.



WOMAN: Whoa! Yeah! Woo-hoo!

(GRUNTS) That's all you got?



BARRY: Watch out!




WOMAN: Yeah!





Hey, you had enough? You had enough?



Fuckin' A, Barry.

I got you, bitch!


Barry... Come on!

Stop, stop, stop! Broder, come on.

OK. Cool, cool. Chill out. All right?

I can take the punches. Let's see you, boy!

Come on, you guys. Come on, you guys, we are adults!

All right, fine, fine, fine! It's over.

Don't do it again, white boy. Here.

(ALL GASPING) Goddamn it, Barry.


Are you OK?

Oh, my God, she's choking! Somebody help her!


I got her! I got you!

Breathe! Breathe! (YELLING)

Get off her, you freak! Back off!

You're gonna pull through! Come on, breathe!

What are you doing?

I'm giving you the Heimlich.

I wasn't choking! She was!


MAN: Is she all right?

I'm such a jackass, I'm sorry.


I suck at this! I'm... I'm...

I don't... What am I doing? I'm sorry. You're awesome.

I'm, like, trying so hard and I... it's... Here's the thing.

You were my high school crush, by the way, and I just physically assaulted you in front of a bunch of people.

I just hit rock-bottom, so...

Don't mind me. Really?

Oh, yeah. I don't see how it could get any worse.

Nope. Got it. I could ask you to dance and chuck my drink in your face and twirl you into the fucking wall.

I'll do it.

I'm sorry. I was...


Oh, I love this song.

I love this song.

Do you want to... Do you want to dance?

Sure. Are you insured?

I will dance with you if you promise no twirling.

Right. I promise. I'll go slow.

I was wondering if I could get your phone...


I was wondering if I could...

I could, uh... could...

I could always tell in high school, um, that you were gonna land on your feet.


Ladies and gentlemen, if I can get your attention, please.


OK. Really? All right. Um...

First of all, I want to say thank you to everybody for chilling with me at my very last Labor Day party!


Yeah. You know, a lot of things have changed, it seems like, since we graduated. Trevor, talking to you.

What's up with that fucking earring, dude?


We are changing, and we're moving on.

We're going our separate ways.

And... some of us are going our separate ways together.

You all know Wendy. Wendy Franklin, here.

Honey, get on up here. What are you doing?

What is he doing?



I think that she is one hell of a chick...

...because she turned a lump of coal like me into a diamond.

ALL: Aw...

From all the pressure she put me under. Oh!

Oh, wait, there's something in my pocket.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Wendy, will you marry me?



No! Hell, yeah!


Yes! Yes, I will.



Oh, man, come on!


Hey. Hey... (CLEARS THROAT) Hey.

Look, I know everyone's making fun of you, but... I just wanted to say, I really love what you did out there tonight.

Who's making fun of me?

Don't worry about it.

Your dance was cool. It was, like... anti-dancing.


It's like a big "screw you" to all them conformist assholes.

(EXHALING) I'm glad you liked it.

You didn't give a shit about any of their shit.


Did you want to get naked?

Wow. That was fast.

Even for me, and I get naked all the time.


Come find me later.



Could I talk to you for a sec?


I don't want to say this, but I really feel...

Then don't. Don't. Don't marry him.

Oh, Christ. The two of you... it's like, you don't fit. I don't think he can make you happy.

Well, I already am happy, so you're wrong, so leave me alone.

Then why won't you open that envelope from Cambridge?

Because I hate rejection, Matt.

No, come on, you know you got in.

And you know he doesn't want you to go. He's already holding you back.

Kyle would support any decision that I wanted to make as long as I was happy.

OK, then why didn't you tell him you applied?

I mean, he's gonna be your husband, right?

Aren't you supposed to be honest with him about everything?

You're lecturing me about honesty, Mr. Goldman Sachs?

Only reason you're saying all this stuff is 'cause you're jealous.

You're jealous that I have a life and you don't.

You're not gonna have a life.

You're just gonna play a supporting role in Kyle's life.

That's why you said yes, right? So it'll all be wrapped up in a little bow?

Wendy, marriage is a big life decision.

Big life decisions? At least I'm making some, asshole!

You're so scared, you can't choose anything!

Not a girl, not a job, anything!

And you're just gonna sit there in your little smarty-pants fantasy bubble, dreaming about Tori Frederking, when you know that she's unobtainable!

That's not true.

You can't get her and you know it.

So there's really no risk at all, is there?

It's bullshit, Matt, and you know it.

I was wrong.

You're gonna look great in an apron.


Ta-da! So you know how I've always been into fashion?

Yes. Well, I am moving to New York.

(SQUEALS) Doesn't that so blow your mind?

Totally. Yeah.

WOMAN: Let's go over the hill to the Drexel party.

Why are we still hanging out with a bunch of slobs?

Some of us weren't offered full-time positions.

I have some serious networking to do.

This is so totally not me. OK...

I totally think we could work something out.

Just for tonight.

Shelly? Yeah?

I gotta go.

I totally don't know what I'm talking about.






WOMAN: Is that your car?

What? Oh... (CHUCKLES)

Wow, that is so cherry.

You already make enough money for a car like this?

Well, you know...

Nobody stopped me when I drove it off the lot.

BARRY: Matt! Matt! OW!

Matt! Matt!

This is Barry...


...the dancer.

So are you guys going to that party in Beverly Hills?

Uh, yeah, or...

We were thinking about it.

You? Yeah.

Where is that party again?

You know what? I know the way, so I should just... ride with you.

What? Oh, my God, you slut.

"Oh, my God, you slut."

Look, you gotta ride with her friends.

Really? OK.

Are you smoking now?

When it rains, it pours.

Am I right, brother?

Come on. Punch it up.

Punch. What are you...?

And squeeze real tight.

And then the finger comes up. Bam!

And then you go like this... Get off of me.


Hey, hey, hey. I guess I'm riding with you guys.

Uh... I don't know.

I have cocaine on me.

Can I ride in the back with you, Barry?

Yeah. Sweet night.

TORI: Well, this'll be fun.

It'll be all bankers at this party, so we will know a ton of people.

Oh... Great.


It's a great night for this, huh?


So this party is at my boss, Pete Bering's house.

Unfortunately, he's a bit of a perv.

Swear to God, the only reason I got offered a full-time position at Drexel is 'cause he wants to see my boobs.

Really? Mm-hm.

What about your friends' boobs?

Well, he's already seen them.

Really? Wow. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

You see, that's the problem.

Boob power recedes, once revealed.

He hasn't, and won't see mine, so... I retain the boob power.

Eye contact, Matt.


You know, we always know when you guys look.

Not always.

No, we do. It's true.

Go ahead. Give it a shot. I'll look away.


Now. Wow... Whoa.

That was... That was good.

Pretty good?

Now. Wow.

That's crazy. I don't know. Maybe... I think...

Maybe like you're just getting lucky.

Oh, really? Try it again, big shot.


Now. Wow, that is a gift.

That's unbelievable.

Best of seven?


Holy shit, did you see that car?





There they are. How are you guys?

WOMAN: It'll cause the stock to rally.

But I'm worried about them sustaining these margins.

The rumors about this Russian oil field...

It's going to happen because it's got momentum.

But you can't put momentum on a balance sheet.

I mean, their numbers are embarrassing.

That's irrelevant. We'll float some junk and then they can buy a company with a balance sheet that's not absolute shit.

Walter, you're not drinking. I warned you about that.

Excuse me. Hello, Tori.

Hey, Mr. Bering. Hey, it's Pete. Please.

I was really hoping you'd come. Walk with me.

Excuse me.

I think Beth's here. Didn't notice.

Listen, Tori, I was hoping to get your opinion on the actualities of that Baltic sterling nonsense.

Would you mind coming upstairs, take a look at that report, decode it for me?

It's Pete, right?

Pete Bering.

Matt Franklin.

Good to see you again. I'm sorry, have we met?

Have we met? (LAUGHING)

Oh... Matt's over at Goldman Sachs.

Guilty as charged.

So, Matt... Who do you work under over there?

Oh, well, I'm not at liberty to say.

Why not?

Well, we pride ourselves as being a very discreet firm, so our policy is don't discuss business.

Really? Matt doesn't seem like a Goldman Sachs man to me, Tori.

Most of those blowhards can't shut up about work.

No, seriously, Matt. Tell me.

Tell me the department, let me do the math.

I know a lot of people over there.

What department? Yeah, Matt.

What do you... do?


Excuse me.

Do you guys know yen? I mean...

Say yen gets, uh...

...transferred from... Mr. Nariata's bank...

...in Tokyo, on a Monday, and it lands in Rome.

So what's .467 times 32?

149.5... lire. Right?

Wham. Mr. Roma takes that, flips it over to Mr. Queen Elizabeth.

So what's 149.5 divided by 22.3?

Six pounds British sterling and 78 pence, right?

Wham, he takes it, flips it over to Mr. USA Today before opening bell, so what's 6.78 divided by 1.68? It's 3.99 big, bad greenbacks, and guess who Mr. Yankee Doodle Dandy wires it to over the international date line? Mr. Nariata.

How much is that yen worth now? 1.012, 1.2 percent more in one day.

1.2 percent times 365 days? I'll do the math, but... it's a lot of fucking blowfish.

So that's what I do, Pete.

Currencies, Franklin?

Yeah, Carlos. You two in the same division?

Franklin? Matt?


I'm just fucking with you. Yeah, Matt's a star, man.

It's like having Rain Man on the floor.

Except you can touch him and shit.

In fact, he just got promoted.

(CHUCKLES) That's right. I didn't want to say anything.

Guy above me got fired.

Some girl asked him for a raise, and he asked for a hand job.


I guess he's the one who got the raise, huh?


Sounds like my kind of guy.


She took him for about eight mil.


Supreme Court takes sexual harassment very, very seriously these days.

It's about time, huh?

Yes. Yes, it is about time.

About time. About time.

Well, great meeting you, Matt.

I have to go make the rounds.

You guys have fun.

Holy shit, that was amazing.


(MUTTERING) Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Just be cool. Sexy redhead.

Trish Anderson.

(CLEARING THROAT) Barry Nathan. Barry Nathan.

Is it snowing?

I think it's like... I think it's like 65 degrees outside.

No, I mean, are you holding?

Oh, I... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Do you want to have a little fun?

Yes, I do.

Come with me.

Really? Oh, my God.



(SIGHS) Oh, my God!

Oops, I did yours.

BARRY: It's like a tractor beam in there.

Jesus Christ, man! Hi.

Actually, it's my friend, Frances. It's OK, though, isn't it?

OK, all right, come on in here, man.

You want any, Future Man?

Come a little closer, Barry Nathan.

(SIGHING) Beverly Hills.



Hey, Frances... Do me a favor.

Just take yours to go, OK, pal?

Just go and get the hell outta here.

He doesn't want any of that.

He doesn't? Uh-uh.

What the hell does Frances want?

He wants to watch.


(STAMMERS) I don't...

He won't bother us. Just let him watch.

OK... Who is this Frances person?

It's non-negotiable.


I'm going to try this.


What do you think this house cost them?

Uh... Drug habit, kids in therapy.

But hey, look at the view.

But you like it, right?

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

Drexel's great. It's a real opportunity for me.

I'll get stock options, great benefits.

You know, it's really a wonderful...


I hate it.

I hate my job.

Wow, I... I've never said that out loud before.

But I do, I hate it. I...

I do. I hate all of this.

Really? Hate it.

Gotcha. Crazy, right?

But I just keep thinking, "Do I really want to do this?

Is this what I want to do with my life?"

Is it?

I don't know. That's the thing.

I am so confused and I really... I really don't know.

God, I'm sorry. This must sound ridiculous to you.

You are obviously very smart at your job.

No, no, no, Tori... Whoa. Are you kidding me?

I got this thing that I know I'm good at, that everyone in my life...

...you know, expects me to turn into a career.

But I can't stand it.

I know. I feel the exact same way every day.

Yeah, and then there's no turning back, right?

It's gonna be, like, family and mortgage...

I know. Yes! And there's no way to quit.

BOTH: It's a trap.

God, that sounds so messed up.

Have you ever played the penis game?


I am not prepared to reveal that information, thank you.

No, it's... it's a real game.

I say the word penis, like really quiet, and then you say it just a little bit louder, then I say it a little bit louder than that, and the first to stop saying it loses.

Are you ready? It's easy.


I don't know. Tori, trust me.

There's nothing more fun than a job you don't give a shit about losing.

(QUIETLY) Penis. (LOUDER) Penis.

(LOUDER) Penis.

Penis. Penis!

Penis! Penis!

Penis! (SHOUTING) Penis!


Let's call it a tie.

Christ, Christ, you are out of control, lady.

TRISH: Yeah, fuck you, too.

What? I'm sorry.

Don't apologize to me. What are you, my child?

Fuck you, then.

Yeah, that's better. Yeah. All right.

I'm gonna swallow you whole, son.

If you don't mind, that would be fantastic.

I mean, um...

Suck my dick... bitch.


That's it! That's good. OK.



I'm gonna hammer you, Barry Nathan!

Wait a minute...



All right, hold on, I wanna just...


Hey! What the hell's he doing?

Oh, he's getting a better angle.

OK, he can't come near me.

How close? I don't want him touching me at all.


Let me outta here. What, you don't like this?

Shit no!


Yeah! You crazy bitch!

Yeah, come on. Lash out at me, Barry!

Get the... I'll kill you!

I'll kill you! FRANCES: Fantastic!


You people! Freakin' sick!

I didn't go to college, OK?

You people crossed the line here today! This is entrapment!

No thank you!


God, it's like, "Who lives in this neighborhood," right?

Yeah, I know.

Actually... hang on one sec.

How do you feel about a little bit of yard-hopping?

Uh... I don't...

Come on, let's get out of here.

Oh, my God! Shh...

I don't think anyone's home.


Welcome to your new house.

How are you like this?

No one else I work with is this much fun.

I can't believe you're a banker.

Yeah. Me neither.

Oh, shit. What?

Oh,yeah. Uh, no...

Yeah, yeah, yeah... No, not...

Oh, we're doing this. I'm not getting on that thing.

Oh, yeah!

Smooth. That was really smooth!

Come on! No, I'm not!

I know you want to. I will watch...

Come on. ...safely from down here, thank you.

Tori, tonight we're not thinking, we're doing.


Come on. Whoa!


Yeah, this is just coming back to me.

Do you remember when we played truth or dare at Lisa Mandriko's house?

I think that you and I got dared into seven minutes in heaven?

Hmm... No, doesn't ring a bell.

But, you know, maybe if we played again...

You wanna play...

...truth or dare? Truth or dare?

OK. Wow.

Uh... Yeah, truth.

If I was your high school crush, how come you never asked me out?

Uh... You know, I just never had my in.

Your "in"?

Yeah, you know, the right moment.

You know, the perfect confluence of events, where...


No, I've been telling myself that since high school.

And it's bullshit.

I had plenty of opportunities to ask you out.

I was afraid.


If I had asked you out in high school, would you have said yes?

Hm... That's not fair.

If I had known then, what I know now...

Tori... come on.


No. I probably wouldn't have said yes.


Why do you look so relieved?

(CHUCKLES) Because I am.

My biggest regret is not having the balls to ask you out in high school.

And now I know that it wouldn't have made a difference.

Besides which, if I had, and you had rejected me, I would have despised you, and I wouldn't be sitting here with you right now, having me... (STAMMERS)

...having the best night of my entire life.


Come over here, and bring your lips as close to mine as possible without touching.


Are you messing with me right now?


Come and find out.

Come on...

That good?

No, not good. A little closer.

That's it.

What's that sound?

I think that's my heart, beating like...

...really fast.

Dare me to make it go faster.

I double dare you.

Oh... Hey, yeah, look...

No, you know what? No pressure, OK?

Tonight, no thinking. Just doing.

BOTH: Now.

What's going on, Wenders?

Could we just sit down for a second? I just want to talk.


Well, this is a big step.

But I think it's the right thing.

Hell yes.

It doesn't exactly take a rocket surgeon to figure that out.

Kyle, I have to tell you something.

Please tell me you missed your period.

No, no...

I applied to grad school.


(CLEARS THROAT) Wow, grad school.

Wow. Where?

Cambridge? Is that in the Valley?


You want to go to England?

Well, I mean, I don't... I don't know.

I just thought we could talk about it.

I don't even... What about the condo?

Well, we could always rent it out if we had to.

I don't know. I've got six franchises opening in Encino alone next year.

I know.

Honey, my dad is gonna be fucking pissed.

Oh, goddamn it.

I thought this was gonna be a special night.

It is. No, it is. Guess I was wrong.

No, you're kind of questioning the whole thing. Aren't you?

What, you just want to call the whole thing off? Is that it?

I don't even know if I got in yet, Kyle.


I've been too scared to open it, so why don't you do it for me?

Sure. Sure, Wenders.

"Dear Miss Franklin, Thank you for your interest in Cambridge University.

We regret to inf..."

Oh... sorry.

"We regret to inform you that you have not been accepted into our graduate program."

Goddamn it.

Hey, wait, come on.

No, don't let some fancy-pants school in England ruin our night.

Honey, you can still do your writing thing, and now you get to do it right here next to me.


What can I do to make you feel better? Huh?

What about some bathroom sex?

Will that do it?

How many times have you done that?

Uh... You know, like three...

...and a half times.

Oh, God.

See, that is what I really like about you, Matt.

You're honest.

Tori, there's something that I gotta tell you.

You have a girlfriend, right?

No, it's... it's kind of the opposite.

You have a boyfriend? No. No.

Remember when I bumped into you this morning at that video store?

Actually, I don't work at Goldman Sachs.

I work at that video store.

(SCOFFS) What?

Seriously, I work at Suncoast Video.

Shut up!

No, seriously, I work at Suncoast Video.

You lied to me?

No. I mean, I know it was stupid.

But I only did it because I thought... Oh, my God.

...if you knew that my life was such a dead end...

I wouldn't sleep with you.

No. Oh, my God.

I am so stupid.

I actually thought that maybe you wanted to get to know me.

I do! You know what?

Congratulations, Matt. You slept with your high school crush.

Mission accomplished. No, Tori...


(GROANS) Fuck.


Hey. Where the hell have you been, man?

You will not believe what the hell just happened...

Barry, I gotta get out of here.

Big ditto on that. These people lost their way.

Come on, come on, come on.



Oh, shit, they're shooting at us.

BARRY: ♪ I had sex with a crazy bitch... ♪ Barry... ♪...and a German guy ♪♪ Barry. Yeah?

I slept with Tori Frederking.

Are you shitting me?

Los Angeles!

Matt Franklin had sex with Tori Frederking tonight!


Woo! What a night!

And I told her I worked at Suncoast.

And then you told her what?

I told her I worked at Suncoast.

Why are you like this?

It wasn't fair, man. I had to be honest with her.

What, are you stupid?

How do you fuck this up, man?

Jesus, why can't you give yourself one night of enjoyment?

Just one night?

Put a little relish on your hot dog!


Here. I want you to do this.

No. No, Barry. This little bit right here.

Matthew... I don't do drugs.

You don't do anything! I just had sex with Tori Frederking!

Yeah, well, I guess that's not gonna work out for you now!

Is it? You fucked it up.

Sorry, pal.

All right, take the wheel.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

All right. All right.


Here I go. You got it?

Barry? Yeah?

MATT: Holy shit!

Holy shit! Oh, shit!


We only lost a little bit.

We start splashing around and fooling around, and the next thing you know, this flotation ring hits me in the head.

(CHUCKLING) And I look up, and...

It's his grandma.

Yeah. My crazy grandmother.

(VOICE FADING) And she says to me, "l can't tell if you're fucking or drowning, but neither one is letting me get any sleep!"


Could be worse.

No, it couldn't, Barry.

It couldn't be any worse.


Put your hands in the air!

I was wrong. Now it couldn't be any worse.


Wow. Wrong again.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Cancel that backup request. Over.

WOMAN ON RADIO: Ten-four Are you two OK?


Yeah, Dad.

What's that all over your face, Barry?


Dad, we're fine. Look, thank God you were on duty tonight.

Yeah. Why don't you get out of the car?

Take it easy! All right!

Get down on the ground. What?

Get down on the goddamn ground!

Oh, my God! Oh, God!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Why'd you steal a car?

Why'd you steal it? He had nothing to do with it!

It was all me! He was there, yeah, but then he chickened out at the end and he ran back to the car!

You did nothing?

I drove a stolen car. That's it.

(SOBBING) I stole the car!

And then the cocaine was in the car!

You didn't buy the coke?

No! No! No!

And you didn't have any? No, I swear to God, Dad.

I swear to God.

Please, Mr. Franklin! Don't send me to jail, please!

Yeah, this car is in pretty rough shape.

What's the sticker price on this, Barry?

(SOBS, SNIFFLING) Fifty-three thousand.

Fifty-eight thousand with the full Corinthian leather package.

Yeah, after you serve your jail time, I figure you'll be on probation, working this off for at least one to two years.

Dad, the car's not that damaged.

Holy shit! (BARRY SOBBING)

Maybe three, four years.

What are you...? Jesus Christ, Dad!

Maybe five.

Depending on what kind of job that you get.

Of course, with your education, you should be able to earn a decent salary.

I swear to God, I'll get an engineering job, Dad!

But you don't want an engineering job, Matthew.

I'll do whatever you want me to do.

But what do you want?

I don't know.

Oh, no, Dad! Oh, no, I'm sorry!

I'm... I'm just messed up, OK? I don't know what I want to do!

And I'm sorry I'm such a fucking failure!

You haven't really failed, son, because you haven't really tried to succeed.

So don't credit yourself as a failure.

You're worse than that.

I just can't figure it out, Dad.

Don't cry like that in jail, son.

(SOBBING) I don't wanna go...

You boys will spend at least, at least, seven days in LA County Jail before they arraign you.


You'll be there with child molesters.

Please, don't.

But don't worry.

We'll make sure the guards know you're a cop's kid.

Bill, I can't keep this up! Look at Matt's face!

He's about to lay a big goose egg in the car!

OK, boys, this is your one and only mulligan.


You're free to go.

Oh, my God, thank you!

Thank you! Thank you!

So you guys don't have to turn us in?

Shut the fuck up.

Relax, Matt.

We're the LAPD.

But don't do it again, Barry.

I mean it. No more coke.

Oh, are you kidding me?

I promise. Never. Never. Are you crazy?

This was like the craziest night.

BILL: Wipe that coke off your face.

I... can't.

Could someone... Mr. Johnson?

(BARRY SIGHING) Thank you, Mr. Franklin.

Matt, take a shot at something.

Don't think about it too much. Just take the shot.

I don't even know where to aim.

Anywhere. Everywhere. Just take wild shots.

Hell, it's something just to hear the gun go off.

Thanks, Dad.

That's really scary.

My brain feels like snot.

I think she might have left her car back at Kyle's.


Matt, come on!

(ALL CHANTING) Ball! Ball! Ball! Ball!

Anybody who thinks Broder will actually ride The Ball, place your bets with Bryce.

Anybody who thinks that he won't go through with it, 'cause he's a total pussy, place your bets with Benji.

And it's going to be... choice!



(ALL CHANTING) Ball! Ball! Ball! Ball!


We're gonna run the world.

How do you know that she's still here?


She's here.

Broder's gonna ride The Ball!



Do I get a helmet?

Yeah, it's down there. Right by the tampons.

Fucking slam it!


Oh, fuck. I have a feeling I'm fucked.



Stop. Matt, please...

Don't be mad.

Wow, Shelly. This really hurts.

You got to get...

No! I'm not riding, man! I'm not riding!

I got fired today.

So fucking shit in it!

I think I'm gonna ride The Ball.


I'm not interested in any more of your bullshit!

Look, listen, listen.

I only lied about one detail about myself, and that's my job.

Everything else was real. Tonight was real.

And it was... it was amazing!

You never would have talked to me for more than two minutes, admit it, if you knew that I worked at Suncoast Video.

You lied to me all night so I would have sex with you.

So you only had sex with me because you thought I was a banker?

No, I went to a party with you because I thought you were a banker.

But I had sex with you because I thought that you were smart...

...and funny... and honest.

I thought you were different from everybody else.

But you're not.

You're just like all these other scared little boys.

KYLE: All right, hey! Who's it gonna be, huh?

Who's stepping up to the plate tonight?

Who wants a shot at the title?

Come on!

Who wants a chance...? I'll do it!

KYLE: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a contestant!

The Mattinator! Franklin!

What are you doing?

I don't know.

(CROWD CHANTING) Franklin! Franklin! Franklin!

Clear the way. Clear the way.

Franklin! Franklin! Franklin!

No, Matt! Matt, please don't do this, OK?

You don't have to prove anything to these people!

Whoever thinks that Matt's not gonna do it, place your bets with Benji.

And any... body else? Don't. Matt, Matt...

Listen to me! You don't want to do this, man!

Let me do it for you, OK? You have a great life ahead of you!

I got nothing! Matt, don't do this!

Goddamn it!

Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for Mr. Goldman Sachs!



Shut the fuck up and drive.


WENDY: Matt, don't do this.

Why are you doing this?

Please don't do this, Matt! Oh, my God.

I'm Matt Franklin!

I work at Suncoast Video at the mall...

...and I still live with my parents!


MAN: You suck!

I don't know what I'm doing up here.

I'm scared! And you know what?

I have been so afraid of my life that I have missed my life!

But I'm like all of you! We're all scared!

I mean, come on, admit it!

We're all trying to be something that we're not!

But tonight, all of that changes.

Tonight, I'm not afraid.

Tonight, I got one thing to say to all that bullshit!

Fuck it.



Kyle, Kyle, I'm begging you. Please don't let him do this!

No, honey, it's actually really safe.

Relax. See, it's gonna roll down this hill, right?

You see the bend? It actually goes uphill, right?

You know how gravity works, right?

He's just gonna stop. It's gonna be gentle.

And... it's gonna be choice.

Look, look! I'm telling you.

That's my brother and I love him, and I don't want you to do this!

Oh, did I say it was gonna be choice? I did. So cool out!


Yeah, let's make some noise for Matt Franklin!

Yeah, baby! Yeah!



On three!



Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Yeah! Shit!

MATT: Breathe deeply! Keep breathing! Yeah!


Oh, shit!

Christ! Oh! Oh, shit!



MATT: Oh, my God!

Oh, shit! Holy Christ! Holy Christ!

Oh, shit!



Oh, my God!

Fuck me! Fuck me! Aah!


Oh... Shit! Help!




Give me your truck!

Honey, The Ball was not supposed to do that.

Give me your fucking keys!

Relax, OK? Now!

Don't fucking touch me!

I did not know that the road was... Hey, hey, hey. I'll drive.





No, no, no...


Are you OK? Are you OK?

Holy shit!

What's up!

I rode the fucking Ball! You rode The Ball!


# You'll see, we'll get back there, # all the girls will be sitting with their legs open, # clapping with their thighs. #

Oh, hello. Thank God.


Take him.

Matt! Don't ever do that again! Do you hear me?

It's not a problem.

Could I have your phone number?


I just want to take you out to dinner.

Or, like, a movie.

Just hang out with you.

Matt, you were a loser in high school.

Now you're just a loser who rode The Ball...

...and fucked me.

TORI: Are you happy?


I'm so sorry I lied to you.

I'm so sorry, Tori.

I'm gonna leave you alone now.

I promise.



And that was pretty impressive.

It's Matt! Hey, Matt! Hey, Matt! Hey!

My buddy, Matt Franklin!



So it all worked out!

You were happy when you read that letter tonight.

No, I was not happy. Yes. Yes you were!

I'm telling you I wasn't happy. I saw it. I just want you to admit it!

What? Admit what?

That I don't want my baby to leave the nest?

Is that why you're mad at me?

I'm canceling the movers, Kyle.

What? No. What does that mean?

You know what it means.

Honey, you said yes tonight.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, shit, Wenders...

Don't do this to me.

I'm begging you, don't... don't do it.

I'm begging you, please don't do this to me.

I'm doing it.




You just... (MUMBLING SOBS) through my heart.

You know what? I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do with myself now.

Hell, I don't know what the hell I'll do with myself while I'm thinking about what the hell to do with myself.


I hear that's what college is for.

There's a lot of this.

No, not right now.

And there's also a lot of this.

You're beginning to make a lot of sense.


We should probably say goodbye before I screw this up again.



That was bold.

That was the scariest thing I did all night.



Who wants breakfast? Ooh...

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.