Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990) Script

Oh, see you in the choir on Sunday!

Hi, Mike.



Oh, hi.

I'm glad I caught you.

Been home long?

No, I just got back from the store.

We are looking forward to tonight.

Can I bring anything?

I think I have everything.

Well, if there's anything--

Wait, there is something.

Do you have any champagne glasses?

I thought we'd start with champagne.

We have some.

Do you have eight?

No, we have six.

Well, you bring your six and Mitch and I will drink out of jelly glasses or something.

You're going to such much trouble.

Of course I'm going to a lot of trouble for a dinner.

I always go to a lot of trouble for a dinner party.

I've got to run.

Okay, see you around eight.



Look at this floor.

I thought you love chocolate chip cookies.

What happened to that book I gave you?

When I was a little girl, this was my favorite book.

Which one was your favorite story?

What difference does it make?

Let me out of here!


It's been so long, I almost can't remember them.


Let me out!

What are you doing?

Just preheating to 350.


Help, there's a crazy woman here!

She's going to cook me!

She's going to eat me!


I never could do long division.

Let's see.

How many times does 12 go into 75?

Oh, six times, three left over.


Well, at 12 minutes a pound, that means you have to be in the oven by no later than, 1:30.

Oh, but evisceration takes at least an hour.


What's that?

It's like gutting a fish.

First you make a long slit, then you take out everything that isn't meat.

You know, the heart, the lungs, the intestines, and so forth.

Then you fill it back up with stuffing, sew it back together with one of these.

Maybe I should get started now.

No, wait.

There's plenty of time.

You said this was your favorite book.

Don't you want to hear a story?

Is it a love story?


Well, not really.

But it's a really good one.

You'll like it a lot.


It's about these guys in college.

They live in the same dorm.

And one of them's kind of poor, so he works his way through school, selling things.

Be careful with that.

His name's Bellingham, and he collects antiques.

Well, one day, Bellingham got a very special delivery.

Meanwhile, the other guys, Andy and Lee, they were real rich.

And they did something very nasty to Bellingham.

You know, Lee, I think the most work you've done in four years of college is filling out that application for the Penrose Fellowship.

Hey, hard work pays off, Andy, especially when you have a girlfriend who can write award-winning essays about why I want to spend the summer traveling Europe.

Yeah, well, I suppose my sister's pretty smart.

She's just not very honest.

I just don't see why you'd risk it.

If they learn she wrote the proposal for you, they're just gonna kick you out.

Your family sends you to Europe every summer anyway, so I don't understand.

But this way I have the fellowship money to bring back a Maserati.


And guess who was my main competitor for the Penrose.

You know Bellingham works part-time at the university museum.

Where Susan does volunteer work, I know.

That's right.

Well, you better hope he doesn't find out that she helped you screw him out of that fellowship.

Bellingham has the hots for Susan.

Don't worry.

We'll be fine.

Ah, Andy.

Ah, Edward.

How you doing?

You going to introduce me to your friend?

Uh, yeah.

This is--

Lee Monckton, right?


Yeah. I, uh, saw your picture in our illustrious college newspaper this morning.


Oh, thank you.

It's an odd coincidence, us meeting, since we're in competition for the Penrose Fellowship.

Oh, wait, wait.

You said it.


Somebody has to win, you know.

But not always the better man.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Allow me.

Hey, thanks.

That lot 249 was a heavy mother.

You'll get your money back tomorrow.

Oh, there's no rush.

Uh, I'll tell you what, Edward.

Why don't you just show us what you have in there, and my friend Lee here will just write it off.

All right.

Actually, if lot 249 lives up to my expectations, it won't matter that I was cheated out of the Penrose.


Yeah, something unfortunate happened to me the day before the committee was to announce its decision.


I was accused of stealing a pre-Columbian Zuni fetish from the museum.

Well, did you?

I loathe Zuni aesthetics.

But by the time I was cleared, the committee already decided in your favor.

Well, who was it that accused you?

It was an anonymous tip.

Well, I should probably get going.

Susan's waiting at home for me.

Absolutely not.

You're not leaving here until you see what's inside lot 249.

That was the deal.

Edward, why would you buy something like this?

'Cause I wasn't born with a silver trust fund in my mouth.

You, you can actually sell this to somebody for a profit?

What else would I sell it for?

Come on, give me a hand.

My God, Andy, it looks just like your father.


It stinks like rotten flowers.

Let's see if the embalmers did him any justice.

You're going to unwrap it?

Why not?

All you're looking at is 3,000 years of dry rot.

I'm going to be late.

So, I'm gonna--

I'll show you out.

See you later, Andy?


Four, five, over.

Six, two more.

You're back early.

We quit after two sets.

Sounds like we lost to Andy again.

Do you know what your brother is doing right now as we speak?

He's unwrapping a mummy!

With Edward fucking Bellingham!

How much did you tell Andy?

Uh, that you wrote the essay.

Well, that's okay.

He knows I do all your papers anyway.

Oh, and then, and then, Bellingham casually mentioned that someone dropped an anonymous tip about the stolen Pre-Columbian Zuni fetish?

Oh, he's guessing.

Well, maybe, but I think Andy knows it was you.

Andy's my brother.

He won't do anything.

And Bellingham's a loser.

He can't do anything.

I've really got to get ready for dinner.

Don't you want to see his face?

No, thank you.

He looks pissed off.

Like he's thinking.

He's not thinking anything.

The first thing the embalmers did was to stick a hook up his nose, then they dragged his brain out through his nostrils.

This is where they cut him open so they could pull out all of his innards.

Then they stuff him with flowers and spices.

Here, hold this open.

Come on, hold this open.






Onions and what?

A fortune cookie.

What does it say?

Uh, I have no idea.

Do you know how to read Third Kingdom hieroglyphics?

You're taking those books back to the library now?

They're three months overdue.

And I thought I'd stop by to see Andy on the way home.

You don't care about those books or Andy.

You're going to go see Bellingham.

I give the guy a hard-on.

I'm just gonna talk to him, throw him off the track.

Zuni fetish.

And they use their second timeout.

I don't think I've ever seen Johnny so enraged by a defensive play.

He's arguing at the scorer's table.

They call a technical on Scott!

"Grow, o light.

"Come forth, o light.

"Rise, o light.

"Ascend, o light.

"O darkness, remove thyself from before him.

"Open his eyes.

That bastard can read that scroll.

"Open, tat.

"Open, nap.

"Open his eyes.

"O darkness, remove thyself from before him.

"Open his eyes.

"The eater of shadows, "the eater of souls, "open his eyes.

"Open, tat.

"Open, nap.

"Open his eyes."

Oh, jeez!

Hey, Bellingham!

Hey, Bellingham, come on.

The fuse box is right outside your door.


Come on, Bellingham.

It's the end of the playoffs.

I mean, Christ.


You okay?



What the hell are you doing here?

I just, I just thought I'd stop by.

What's going on?

Somebody just knocked me down.

Look, you two just wait here.

Hey, don't go after him!

Go after who?

Um, a thief.

Damn fuses.

Well, he couldn't have taken much.

Would you like some brandy?

Thank you.

Did you see him?


Not really, but he did look a little bit weird.

Yes, he was very weird, wasn't he?

He must've been on drugs.

Got off with all my rings.

Roman stuff.

Hollow gold.

At least he didn't get away with lot 249.






♪ With me ♪

♪ That's the way a heart breaks ♪

♪ And every man must pay the price ♪

♪ That's the way a heart breaks ♪

♪ You stand before the gates of paradise ♪

♪ Of fire and ice ♪


This better be important.

Need any help down there, Bill?


It's a mess, but we got it covered.

Roger that.


You busy?

Guess I could use this, huh?

I lied to the police.

I saw who did it.


I saw who killed Lee.

He was thin and filthy and stinking.

Like rotten flowers.

Lot 249.

Very few thieves would have the discernment to realize that this was one of the museum's most unusual pieces.

Susan Smith stole that fetish and she was the one who planted it here.

Oh, my.

What a sensual candlestick.

Take your hands off that.

Good evening, Mr. Smith.

Dean Murray.

Andy, do you know Dr. Carey, the curator of the university museum?

Uh, hi.

What's going on, Edward?

I'm a little busy right now, Andy.


Mr. Bellingham is packing.

He's leaving the university.


Would have been a nice acquisition if the mummy had come with it.

What happened to the mummy?

He never did have taste.

I don't care how cheap the psychology is, I still hate these stupid chrysanthemums.

I'm aware of that, operator, but I've been trying to get through to this number for a half hour now.



Please, somebody help me!





Damned fuses.

Oh, you're awake.

That's my master's thesis.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm going to start a little fire under your chair and roast your nuts.


Because you killed my sister and my best friend.

That's why.

I didn't kill them.

Right, right.

Your friend lot 249 did.

Ah, I thought he'd be back.

The alleged perpetrator's got an airtight alibi.

He's been dead for 3,000 years.

Well then these should make for excellent kindling.

Oh, Andy, you're crazy.

Ooh, damn, I think I forgot my matches.

Grow, grow, o light.

Ascend, o light.

Rise, o light.

Come forth, o light.

O darkness, remove, re, shit, how does it go?

Remove thyself from them.

Open, tat.

Open, nap.

Open his eyes.

Open his eyes.


Edward, I believe in being prepared.

Batteries in case those fuses blow again.

Need a hand up there, fella?


Edward, I'm not going to apologize for Lee and for Susan, what they did to you.

And I'm not gonna call the cops either, because who in their right mind is really gonna believe that a 3,000-year-old mummy really did come back to life anyway, huh?

But I do have another idea.

Well, that just about takes care of that, doesn't it?

Would you untie me, please?

Yeah, of course.

Just as soon as you tell me where the scroll is.

You don't need the scroll.

It only worked for that particular mummy, which you've totally destroyed.

It's the second drawer in the desk on the right.

It's irreplaceable.

Yeah, I certainly hope so.

That scroll would have made my entire career.

Well, my sister and my best friend died because of this.

Killing me won't bring them back.

If I let you live, that will bring them back?

Don't worry, Andy.

You'll never see me again.

But I'll find a way to keep in touch.

Open, tat.

Open, nap.

Bind them both to my service and to the gods of death, terror and revenge.

Hey, man, what's so fucking funny?

I was just thinking of this guy I know.

Couldn't distinguish a Third Dynasty sacred scroll from a piece of post-Alexandrian pictogram porn.

Yeah, mom, I promise.

I'll be home as soon as finals are over.

Yeah, I know, the funeral was hard on me, too.

No, the police still don't have any leads yet.

All right?

I'll see you next week.



Bellingham sends his regards.

Antiques are so fascinating.

You told that very well.

Thank you.

My goodness, it's almost one o'clock.

We've got to get things started.

You know, if I'm not home by six, they're gonna come looking.

Looking for what, dear?

Uh, wait.

I wanna tell you another story.

Time to put the book away.

But I haven't told you the best story yet.

I stopped reading twice because it got me so scared.

It's the one about the old man who's so rich and he lives in this big house all by himself.


This'll be the last story, and you have to make it quick.

I will, I promise.

Anyway, it's about this old man, his name is Drogan.

Old man Drogan had this big problem, so he hired this man to help him with his big problem, a very professional man.

It's already taken care of, pal.

Here, Mr. Halston.


You are Mr. Halston, aren't you?

That's me.

Tell the driver to wait.

The man says you should wait.

For what this guy's paying, I ain't going nowhere, pal.

Take your time.

In here, Mr. Halston.

In here.

I want you to make a hit.

That is what you do, I understand.

How did you get my name?

A Mr. Saul Loggia told me that you know him.

Who do you want hit?

Your victim is right behind you.

I ought to kill you for that.

I don't like jokes.

I don't make jokes.

Sit down.


Sit down, Mr. Halston, and look in that envelope.


There will be another 50,000 when you bring me proof that the cat has ended its time on earth.

I don't believe this.

You're hiring me to kill a cat?

That cat has killed three people in this household.

That leaves me.

I need not explain anything, but I will.

In fact, I feel the need to justify myself so you won't think me mad.

This is quite a mansion, don't you think, Mr. Halston?

Quite a mansion.

Help me up.

Over the years I filled this place with everything, everything you could want, everything you could ever want.

There used to be four of us living here.

Myself and Carolyn Broadmoor,

the only friend of my sister Amanda.

And Richard Gage, a hired man with the family almost 20 years.

We were a dull collection of rich, old, unhappy people.

Then the cat came.

It was Gage who saw it first.

He tried repeatedly to scare it away, but every time he drove it off, it kept coming back.

Finally, my sister Amanda noticed the animal.

She's the one who took it in.

Oh, the poor little thing.

It's starving.

Is oo hungry, darling?

Is oo hungry?

Cats aggravate emphysema, Carolyn.

Get rid of the filthy thing.

Cats aggravate my brother, Carolyn.

Don't pay any attention.

I want it out of here, Amanda!

Either out of here or dead!

Which is it to be?

Don't you ever dare to hurt this cat!

You hate cats.

You always have.

No, sister, you're wrong.

I don't hate cats.

Cats hate me.

Don't you see?

We're all in danger while as long as that animal is in this house.

You'll find out, you'll find out!


You all right?

I'll be fine.

I'll be fine.

You know who I am, don't you?

That is, where my money comes from?

Drogan Pharmaceuticals.

One of the biggest drug companies in America, Mr. Halston.

And the cornerstone of our financial success has always been this.

Tri-Dormal-Phenobarbin, compound G.

Good old Tri-Dormal-G.

A combination painkiller, tranquilizer and mild hallucinogen.

Remarkably helpful to those of us fighting the debilitating effects of an aging heart.

It's also remarkably expensive.

It's also remarkably habit-forming.

I've read all about it, Drogan.

That stuff is one step up from street junk.

You've obviously done very well with it.

And you've done well yourself.

Saul Loggia knows of at least two dozen jobs you have done for various members of the professional community.

All right.

So we each know who it is we're dealing with.

Why don't you ell me the rest of the story, about that cat.

Ah, yes.

The cat killed them.

I warned them, but they wouldn't listen.

They found out.

My sister was the first to die.

It was midnight.

She was on her way to the kitchen to get that evil beast some food.

We heard her scream.



What happened, Amanda?

Death by accident, the coroner said.

But I knew.

Why didn't you get rid of the cat then?

I tried, Mr. Halston.

I tried.

I'll kill it!

Let me have it, Carolyn!

I'll kill it!

Carolyn Broadmoor locked the damn thing in her room.

She became obsessed with the animal.

I'm going to kill it!

Do you hear me?

I'll kill it!

I'll kill, kill, kill!

My mother told me once that cats like to get babies and old people when they're asleep and steal their breath.

Carolyn died at midnight as well.

Suffocated in her bed.

The coroner said natural causes in her case, but again, I knew.

What did you do then?

I told Gage to get rid of the vile thing.

It took him almost 24 hours to find the cat and capture it.

Without concern for the time, I sent him out to Milford to the veterinarian there, to have the beast put away once and for all.

I phoned ahead to the vet.

"Mr. Drogan," he said, "it's midnight."

A week later, the day Dick Gage was buried, the cat came back.

No one actually witnessed any of these deaths you described.

So what makes you think this cat had anything to do with it?

I'm sure it killed them.

It killed them all.

And I'm next!

I'm afraid of it, Halston.

It skulks around in the shadows, watching me.

It's waiting.

It's torturing me by waiting.

It's been sent to punish me.

I don't get it.


That's what it's about.

It's a synthetic, developed in our laboratories in New Jersey.

Our testing of Tri-Dormal-G was confined almost solely to cats because of the unique quality of the feline nervous system.

So how many did you eliminate?

Over four years of testing.

5,000 cats.

5,000 of your little buddies get wasted, huh, and they send you back to settle the score with Drogan here.

Is that the deal, pussycat?

Don't make light of it, Halston.

I warn you.

I never make light of any matter involving $100,000.

Then you'll take the job?

I could do it right now if you want me to.

I could put my hands around its little neck and snap it.

Son of a bitch!

It's not going to be that easy, Mr. Halston.

Don't worry, Drogan.

I'll kill your cat for you.


Kill it, bury it and bring me its tail so I can throw it in the fire and watch it burn.

I'm going into the city.

That's why I made the taxi wait.

There's food, there's liquor, there's everything.

Everything you could want.

Everything you could ever want.

Okay, cat.

It's just you and me now.

Jesus Christ.

Crazy old fucker.

Crazy old rich fucker.

How about it, kitty cat?

"Everything you could ever want."

Why is it rich guys always buy the cheap stuff?

Look at this shit.

Hey, cat!

For me, it's nothing but the best.

All the time.

"Everything you could ever want."


Hey, you little motherfucker!

Nobody hits me twice!

No fucking body hits me twice!

Can't get hot.

Can't let yourself get hot, ever.

You make mistakes when you're hot.

What is this?

What is this shit?

Oh, no!


This is a $100 shirt.

You'll be sorry you messed with me, you little shit.

I got a reason to kill you now.

Drogan, you cheap bastard.

Come on, kitty cat.

Let's be friends again.

We can go over by the fire like we did before.

You can sit on my lap again, and I'll give you a nice boost.

This is the real stuff, kitty cat.

Not like that cheap crap Drogan sells.

What do you say?

You're beating me, pal.

You're beating me good.

I'm trying too hard.

Hey, cat, I've never blown a hit yet.

It's just a matter of time.

Get away!

Get off of me!

You're done for, you fuck.

The rest of your nine lives are going in one lump sum.

I can outwait you, you little shit.

I've never blown a hit yet, kitty cat.

This is the end of you.

That's impossible.

Fucking impossible!

I had a dead bead on you.

Where are you?

You son of a bitch, I know you're in here.

Oh, no.


My goodness, that was a scary story.

But my favorites were the love stories.

Uh, yeah.

There's one story in that book that's really scary.

But it's a love story, too.



Which one was that?

The one that's in New York.

Well, you still have to cook for quite a while, but I'd love to hear the story.


"There's a part of New York

"that's really busy during the day, "but when it's late at night, "and hardly anyone's around, "strange things sometimes happen.

"10 years ago, on a cold, dreary night, "an artist named Preston

"saw something very, very strange."

Oh, yes.



Preston, it's Jer.

Listen, there's a guy here--

40-ish, anal retentive type, right?

On the money.

Tell him I've been waiting half an hour.

He's been waiting half an hour.

♪ So get out of my house ♪ Another Drambuie on the rocks, please.

This one's on him.


Keep it.

Wyatt, I'm sorry.

I was just working on a new piece.

Ah, come here.

Hey, Jer.

Give me a Holsten.

So, did you bring me a check or just large amounts of cash in small bills?

Thanks, Jer.

Judith says she hasn't moved anything of yours in over four months.

Judith Amato.

Big gallery on West Broadway.

She says if the stuff isn't out by tomorrow, it gets junked.


Wyatt, you've got to convince her that--

I can't convince her of anything.

Wyatt, you're my agent.

Well, not exactly.

Preston, your artistic vision is just not a marketable commodity.

Wyatt, I'm broke.

I can't live on nothing.

And I can't live on 10% of nothing.

You're a monster.

I'm an agent.

For an agent, being a monster is just credentials.

I'm sorry, Preston.

Fuck you!

Jesus, what am I supposed to do now?

Ah, Jesus.

There's Van Gogh, Degas, Rodin.

They didn't have agents.

How'd they get so successful?

They died.

Time to put it to bed, Preston.

All right.

What about Maddox?

Let him out in the morning.

That's probably how I'll end up.

Oh, jeez.

Come on.

You're pissed out of your mind.

I'll take you home.

All right.

Why didn't you do that inside?

I did.

It just goes right through.

Oh, my God!


Help me.

Help me!



Maddox, open the door!


Maddox, open the door!


Please, please don't!

Your life in exchange for a promise.

You got it.

If I let you go, you must swear you'll never say you saw me.

Never say you heard me speak.

Never tell anyone how I look.

Never repeat what I've said.

A promise forever.

You got to be kidding.

I, I promise!

Cross your heart?

I promise!

Come here.

No, oh, God!

Just shut up.

Please be quiet.

I'm not going to hurt you.

Just be quiet, all right?

All right?

I won't hurt you.

Let go of me!

What's the matter with you?

It's dangerous down here.

What are you trying to do?

Take a taxi.

You don't see any taxis out here, do you?

If you want one, you can use the phone from my place.

You can call from my place.

Look, my name is Preston.

I live just around the corner.

Come on.

Come on.

I thought someone was following me back there.

That wasn't me.

Here we are.

What are you doing down here anyway?

I was supposed to meet some friends, but I got lost.

Here you go.

So what were you doing out this late?

I was having an argument.

My agent dumped me tonight.

Police, 16th Precinct.


Anyone there?


The line's busy.

We'll try again in a minute.

By the way, what's your name?



Can I have something to drink?


So where are you from, anyway?


Sort of.

I had a boyfriend in California.

But it didn't work out, so I left.

You're the first real artist I've ever met.

Tell that to my agent.

Did he do that?

I had a run-in with a bottle of scotch.

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

I'm sorry.

Say, did you try that taxi again?

Maybe you should wait till morning.

Good morning.

Last night was very important to me.

It was a nightmare.

Oh, no, Carola!

Not you!

It was everything else until I ran into you.

That part was good.

It was very good.

I needed it.

I need more of it.

I do, too.

Right now.

Oh, yes.

Help me!

Oh, look.

I have to go out for a while.

Wait for me.

Hey, that's my friend!

That's my friend!

I want to go!

Someone cut off his head!



Yeah, I would've left, too.

Help me!


It's Carola.

Can I come up?



I know what you're thinking, but the girl I'm staying with, her boyfriend came back--

I didn't ask any questions.

I called a friend of mine, actually she's a friend of a friend.

She owns a gallery down on Houston Street.

That's House-ton Street.

I told her how wonderful I thought your work was, so she'd like to come down and see it.

Does you're friend have a name?

Victorine, but I don't remember the rest.


Victorine Roget?

A friend of a friend?


I hope you don't mind that I did this.

Victorine Roget owns the hottest gallery downtown.

Of course I don't mind!

It's what I've always wanted.

So how does it feel to be a huge success?

Victorine just sold a piece to a couple for $23,000.

You're a smash.





Excuse me.

Hey, Maddox.

Nice work.


I haven't seen you around, pal.

Not since the night Jer died.

I'm Carola.

Nice to meet you.

Who's Jer?

He used to be the bartender at this bar we hung out at.

He died.

In the alley out back.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, you know something, don't you?

Just sober up, Maddox, before someone puts a match to your breath.


I told the cops everything I knew, which is exactly nothing.

Come on.

Promise forever.

So are you sorry you met me?

You take care of me.

Maybe just a little bit, I take care of you.

Will you take care of me and my child?

Your child?

Oh, so...

We gonna make this little bastard legitimate or what?

To put it another way, will you marry me?

Will you marry me like this?

Yes, baby!

No, I'm pregnant! Come here, sweetie!

No, no, please!

Where are the scissors, scissors?

Mom, look what Wyatt bought for me!

They took our picture about a million times.

These kids ran me ragged.

Each has the metabolism of a hummingbird.

Ooh, is there some party tonight that I'm missing?

There certainly is.

Preston and I are celebrating the 10th anniversary of the night we first met.

You mean when you thought he was going to push you up against the wall and rape you?

Yes, darling.

It's also the night that Wyatt here gave your father the shaft.

Oh, and I had to murder three other agents before your mother would let me represent him again.

And you're still on probation, you mercenary wretch.

You find another agent that'll baby-sit the spawn of hell on a Saturday night.


Choose your weapon.

10 years.

So many things have changed.

Changed for the better, I hope.

The night I met you, I almost died.

What do you mean?

Well, let's just say it was the night my life started over again.

So, happy anniversary.

You know, you saved Preston from people like me.

She saved me from myself.

Time to go.

This kind of sincerity is bad for my self-image.

Good night, Wyatt.

Whoa, taxi!


Let's move to the country.

We'll buy a big house with lots of land for the kids.

The kids would hate it as much as you would.

Then for you.

There's nothing you could give me that I don't already have.

Yes, there is.

Oh, Christ, I hate this neighborhood.

Can't get a cab here ever.

No one has ever seen this.

That's what killed Jer.

Then it turned on me.

I knew I was going to die, but it spoke.

It spoke.

It said to me it wouldn't kill me if I promised never to tell anybody what had happened, what I'd seen.

So I never told anybody.

Then why are you telling me?

Because you're the most important thing in my life.

Because you've brought me 10 years of happiness, 10 years of success, 10 of a perfect life.

I'm telling you because I love you.

You deserve everything I can give you, and the only thing I've never given you is the truth about what happened the night we met.

What's wrong?

I'm not making this up.

I'm telling you the truth.

You promised you'd never tell!

Oh, God.

You broke your promise, you idiot!

I loved you!

Jesus, please.

Carola, please stop it!

Just change back.

I can't.



What are you doing with the kids?

Stop it!

It's too late.

You betrayed your vow.

It can't be!


I'm so sorry.

Carola, I loved you.

And I love you, too, but you broke your vow, and that sealed our destiny.


What the hell was that?

I don't want to know.

My goodness, you really did keep the best one for last, didn't you?

No, no, I saved the really, really best one for now.

You should have told me the really, really best story before, 'cause now it's too late.

It's the really best one because there's a happy ending, a really happy ending.

None of the stories in that book have a happy ending.

But you gotta hear this story.

It's about this kid, his name's Timmy--

That's nice, dear.

And Timmy's older brother had this stupid paper route.

And one day, when Timmy's older brother got sick, Timmy had to go out collecting.

And Timmy went to this one house, and this lady who answered the door, she said, "Come on in."

So when we he went inside, she tripped him and she threw him into a pantry.

She made him eat cookies all day long, 'cause she wanted him to get fat

'cause she was going to kill him and cook him and eat him!

This is your story, and you can stop telling it now because we both know how it comes out.

But you don't.

'Cause something really weird happens.

Oh, really?


Uh, you see, Timmy had these marbles in his pocket, and they were all shiny and slippery.

When he threw them on the floor, she didn't see where they went and she slipped!

Timmy saw his chance to escape,

if he could just reach the keys!

Don't you just love happy endings?