Tales from the Hood 2 (2018) Script

Mr. Simms? Yes.

Mr. Beach is this way.

And I think on the next model, the guns should be even bigger.

Yeah. Again, sir, these are not your standard guns.

These are lasers. I like bigger.

People like bigger.

Yes, but what-what I'm trying to explain to you...

Bigger!

Mr. Beach?

I'm busy.

I'm busy, Kelly, explaining to Grant the importance of big.

You know, on second thought, why don't you explain it?

I mean as a woman, you certainly have a firm grasp on why big is preferred.

Sir, Mr. Diomedes Simms is here.

He... You're not what I was expecting.

I assure you, sir, no one tells stories as well as I.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

Your kind are particularly accomplished liars, aren't they?

Oh?

You know about my kind?

Oh, Mr. Simms, my prisons are filled with your kind.

Surely not because of any issues with an unjust application of "just-us."

Look, I'm the largest builder and owner of private prisons in this country, and I can tell you your brothers and sisters make up an enormous part of my profits.

Hmm. Hmm.

Kelly, how long until that press conference?

Uh, just a couple of hours, sir.

Shit.

Shit.

Excuse me?

Nothing.

You've got ten minutes to impress me.

Grant, explain to Simms why he's here.

Yes. Uh, right away.

Uh, sir, we are in the last stage before full production of what I can only refer to as...

a sentient robot.

The Robo-Patriot, the future of American Security.

A robot police force?

That I own and control.

You ever hear of AI? Mm.

That's Artificial Intelligence.

Oh, I see artificial intelligence all the time.

Mm.

Well, I call it... I call it. I, Grant.

I call it.

Mr. Beach calls it... Yeah.

RI, Real Intelligence.

You see, because it can learn from first-hand experience, but like a person, it can also learn from second-hand experience, so stories, fables, tales.

That's where you come in. Hmm.

That's right.

You're here to tell it tales so that it has an even broader base from which to assess who is worthy of detention, jail, even-even execution.

Execution?

Well, that sounds so final and not nearly as lucrative as indefinite incarceration.

Some things I do are just because it's the right thing.

Indeed.

Indeed.

But let's hear one of those stories that I'm supposed to be willing to write you a check for.

Great. Uh, we're already linked into the robot and recording, sir.

Let's see. Something to make your creation choose the correct individual for incarceration.

Yes. Well, there are so many possibilities.

Give me a theme.

Well, let's pull one from the headlines.

Now, since I already have so many black lives filling the beds of my facilities, how about Black Lives Matter?

Of course. Of course.

Now this is the story of criminal behavior, and how one particular black life mattered.

I call it... "Good Golly."

What? What is he talking about?

Oh, my gosh.

Where are we goin'?

This is it! Zoe!

Zoe, look! This is it!

Your stupid brother is still hiking.

It's like we're not on the same vacation.

Oh, come on. We will catch up with him later.

Let's go.

Can you believe I found it? Ready?

I don't like the looks of this place.

Oh, it'll be fun! Come on.

Huh.

"No bad idea ever dies.

It only lies dormant until the pungent rains of the demon spring."

Wait!

"God bless this hell?"

Jesus, do we really have to do this?

It's cool! God blessed it.


Okay, this is crazy.

Not as crazy as that!

Zoe, look!

No, that is insane.

Huh.

"Coon Chicken Inn."

Okay, so this is the door that people came in through when they wanted some chicken.

The Colonel's chicken made you wanna lick your fingers, but that guy was licking you.

Mmm? Mmm?

And this? This is like, what?

You find that amusing?

Uh, well, yeah, actually.

I mean, who looks like that?

Who indeed.

Slave masters used to brand their property with a hot iron, but as we became free men and women, America needed a new way to mark its property, a new way to control the Negro, keep him in his place.

So instead of hot coals and metal, they used pen, paint, and ink.

No branding iron necessary.

Come this way.

Lazy, shiftless, gluttonous, lying, over-sexed, ugly, violent, stupid.

And this way, the American nigger/Negro became the first true corporate brand.

Yeah, this country used to be just really messed up.

No doubt.

Better now, is it?

Well, I mean, we're friends, so...

Since grade school, so...

Yeah!

Tsss!

Yeah.

Mmm. We should go.

Uh, do you have any gollys? Gollys?

Yeah, like... this?

Hey!

Careful!

I was just leaning against a chair.

Yeah, Zoe. Careful.

That chair's made from the sacred wood of a slave ship.

The grain is a product of the bloodshed by men and women who were beaten and died chained within its bowels as it traversed the Middle Passage.

Mm.

That was like the black holocaust.

And, duh!

The entire American slave experience was a holocaust, which, I might add, continues today.

Its dark repercussions keep bearing fruit.

Can we please go?

About the gollys, the golliwogs, um, I heard you had golliwogs for sale?

This is a museum. Nothing is for sale!

Oh, but...

Oh, he looks just like my first.

Hi, Golly.

My little Golly Gee.

How about 800?

Others have offered thousands, and I tell them all the same...

No. This doll, in particular, has been through too much.

It's carried over 100 years of racism in its small, delicate frame, a racism created in America that's traveled to England, Australia and beyond.

Okay, well, my great gran had a collection, and she started me collecting, so, honestly, I don't really see it as racist.

Just a warm, comforting part of my childhood.

Mammy slaves also gave white children comfort in their childhoods, cradling them, feeding them from their swollen, bruised tits as their own babies were sold, raped, or otherwise neglected.

As comforting as they were, I don't think you should have a mammy to play with either.

For God sakes, it's a doll.

It's a tool, an instrument of manipulation that kills the spirit of who we really are by presenting the lie others wish to see.

Is being your comfort any better than being your slave?

Or are they the same?

Okay, seriously! This is just ridiculous.

Black rappers call themselves nigger all the time, and I can't even have a cute, little black doll?

Your friend's whiteness is showing.

W-Well, she's kind of right, isn't she?

No. That doll is the reason many black men and women still call themselves niggers.

They, too, have accepted the branding.

Marshall McLuhan was right.

"The medium is the message," and the message has taken hold.

This poor, misshapen creature was given life by a white English woman and nurtured on the tit of racism, a foul aberration that refuses to die, as new generations resuscitate its tortured soul.

Trust me. This doll will bring no comfort.

It's filled with all the pain and torment 100 years of hate can produce.

It may give you what you want, but not how you want it.

Good day, ladies.

Let's go.


So, this is where-where the doll is?

I can't believe you talked me into this.

Oh, come on. You hated that old guy even more than I did.

So, can you get us in?

You're kidding me.

Locks from old buildings like this are practically from the stone ages.

Well, go do your thing.

Done.

Piece of cake.

God, your brother is such a felon. Yeah, I know.

You weren't complaining last night when I "fell in" to your "you-know-what."

Shut up, nasty.

Mm! I'm comin' for that ass, girl.

I'm gonna grab it. I want to get it, girl.

I see it bouncin'. Come here. Come here!

Don't.

What... is all this stuff?

Basically a museum of fucked-up history.

Yeah.

Oh, cool.

What?

It's a-a whippin' post.

You know, like where if, uh, if I was your "masta"? Mm.

I'd tie up and punish your pretty black ass for not obeying my every perverted white man desire.

Aw.

I'm so scared, Big Daddy.

Hi there, Golly Gee.

Oh, are you tired of being locked in there?

Let me get you out.

Okay, um, how do I get you out?

Guess I'll just have to bring this whole thing back to the hotel with me and get you out of this backwards town.

Better turn around, girl.

I'm gonna warm them cheeks up, and then I'm gonna storm them cheeks.

You're so nasty, Daddy!

Okay, ew! You guys, I do not want to hear your sicko sex talk.

Uh, you fucked my brother first.

Yeah, and-and we had to listen to how he used to call you his "snow-white ho." What?

Disgusting. My brother was your nasty black golliwog.

Whatever!

Yeah, it looks like payback is my bitch.

Oh!

Shit. Come on!

Get it off me!

Are you okay? You okay?

Help me, please.

Uh! Oh!

Guys!

It's not like you're gonna need the glass anyway.

It's probably a good thing we broke some stuff or stealed some other stuff.

Otherwise, it's gonna be pretty obvious who stole it if the only thing missing is that stupid doll!

He is not stupid! He is a cuddly cutie.

Isn't that right, Golly Gee?

Oh, my gosh. Golly?

Hey, look at this.

Golly?

The Three Little Gollies.

Oh. Let me see.

Where are you, Golly?

"One time, three adventurous golliwogs... Golly, Woggie, and Nigger... chose to go for a walk to Bumble Bee Lane.

Golly wasn't ready, so Woggie and Nigger decided they would begin without him, allowing Golly to catch up as soon as he could." Golly?

"So off went Woggie and Nigger, arm-in-arm, spiritedly singing their favorite song, which you may have guessed was ‘Ten Little Nigger Boys.'"

That's kinda racist, huh? Yeah.

Golly?

Look at this.

Golliwog Goes to Hell.

Are you serious? Yeah.

Oh, hold on. Wait.

"A nig, a nog, uh, wake up Golliwog.

Make some golly fun and 'den go right back to sleep again."

That's it?

Yeah. The rest of the pages are just blank.

What?

There you are, Golly!

Hi. Aw.

Audrey? You're bleeding. Hmm?

Did you get cut from the glass?

I-I don't think so.

It's the doll.

It's the doll! What? What?

Uh!

Oh...

Run!

No!


Stop. No.

Stop.


There's no need for that, Golly Gee.

Don't you know that you were always my favorite?

It...

Hey, don't you know that I love you?

Can't you just love me?

Can't we just love each other?

Huh?

Mmm.

Childbirth is often a joyous occasion.

No. No.

But I don't believe you're gonna make it through this pregnancy.

Oh, what do we have here?

You're ready to pop.

I promise I'll bury you next to your brother and your friend.

I don't care if I die, but for the sake of the baby, I should give birth in a hospital.

Sorry, you can't leave. How could I ever explain this?

Good-bye, Audrey.

It's time for you to bear the fruit of your passion.


I love you, my gollies.

Oh, baby.

Fuckin' white women and havin' babies.

But how dare they call you a stereotype.

You're just the creation they designed you to be.

The tale has been successfully stored in the Patriot's memory.

Well, Mr. Simms, entertaining, and I guess she got what was coming to her.

Yes, the offspring of evil intent will always find fertile ground to bear its bitter fruit.

That was a good story, Simms.

And yes, yes, yes, yes, the doll got stolen, but do you have anything more to the point from a-a criminal standpoint?

How about a story about gangsters?

Gangsters, yes!

Now, that's something the Robo-Patriot could go after to protect America and fill my prisons.

Well, this story begins... as many tales in the hood do... with a violent beat down.

I don't know what you talkin' about.

Whoo! Goddamn!

Hey, you see the sweat fly off his head?

Now, see, that's some ol' George Foreman Thrilla-In-Manila shit right there!

Nah, that's Rumble-In-The-Jungle, Booze.

Ali kicked Frazier's ass in Manila, like this!

Hoo!

Goddamn. "Down goes Frazier!

The Champ is down! The Champ is out!

Only four minutes left in the fight!

How do you feel, Champ?"

Is what he said, ladies and gentlemen!

"Mike Tyson has been knocked out!"

"Cliff Bettis, super-pimp, the Heidi Fleiss of the hood!"

"You don't look pretty now, you sorry ho-running motherfucker!"

Now, Cliff, I know you want to prove that you got some big-ass brass balls.

I know. And I know you don't want to get punked out, but these fools havin' too much fun fuckin' you the fuck up, playa.

Believe that!

Why don't you just go ahead... No, look at me.

Go ahead on.

Tell us where you got that $5 million hid at, so while ya still got some face left to lose, man.

Now, don't try and deny it no more.

I'm way harder to fool than the IRS, boy, and I know...

I know where you got all these fancy-ass cars from.

Listen to me. That money is for my foundation.

Hm. Foundation.

Whatcha building?

I'm not a pimp anymore.

I gave all that up.

I had what you call... a revelation.

This nigga had an "e-pimp-phany."

Man, that nigger lyin'!

I'm a legitimate businessman now.

I got seven full franchises, three car washes, and one supermarket, all creating jobs in the community.

Come on, man.

We got so many people trying to keep us down, we need to be lifting each other up right now so the next generation don't have to live like this.

We gotta stop with this killing each other in the streets, man.

That money that you're trying to take is for my charitable foundation.

We're gonna open two magnet schools and give scholarships to poor black kids so they can get up out of this hellhole.

Damn. Damn, shit. I ain't know that.

S-So...

So, you're trying to give back to the community and-and change lives and shit.

Like turn all that dirt you done into good deeds.

Exactly.

We all could do some good work.

I don't give a fuck about none of that bleedin' heart bullshit, nigga!

I'm in this world to get mine.

Fuck your United Nigger College Fund, and fuck them kids!

They want to make some real money, send 'em to me.

Have 'em selling dope on the street and make all the money they need.

Shoot. Start talkin' or finish dyin', nigga.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

There you go. There you go.

Okay. Okay.

He said okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Now, that's smart.

I knew we'd eventually beat some sense into your ass.

Now, go on and tell me where you got your little secret cash stash hid at.

You know that sorry-ass ho-house I used to run over on Seventh?

Yeah.

On the top floor, way in the back, I got the nastiest crack ho in the city.

No pride at all.

Do anything to anybody.

Rumor is animal control uses her blood to put down rabid dogs.

So what about her?

That's your mama!

I hid the money in her snatch.

That's a funny motherfucker right there.

Yeah, nigga? Yeah, nigga?

In her fuckin' snatch, huh? You ain't sayin' nothin', bitch!

I'll bet you gonna do nothin'. Fuckin' chill, bitch!

Chill! Chill!

Man, get off me!

Chill, bro.

Nigga, 'dat shit was funny!

Are you telling me this fool fuckin' around with a regular lady now?

Yep. A singer name Sandra Blake.

What kinda pimp falls in love with a bitch that ain't even a ho?

You know where she be at?

Oh, yeah, she be at the club down the street.

Yeah? Yeah.

What she look like?

Bro, she bad as fuck, man.

So we take that bitch and run, you think this nigga gonna fuckin' start talkin' or what?

Yo, he got to talk. He-He in love with her, man.

Pimp in love.

Now, what you go and do that for?

That wasn't smart. That wasn't smart.

You know that nigga crazy.

Boy, you crazy.

Nigga, you, uh...

Nigga, what the fuck's so funny?

What the fuck you laughin' at?

Oh, I was just thinkin'... how you real tough... now.

Real bad dude.

But heard you wasn't so hard when you was up in Quentin.

Heard Bobby Sanchez was digging up in your ass on the regular.

Bitch-nigga.

What...?

Nah, nah, nah, nah.

Booze, you ignorant-ass motherfucka!

What you hit him that hard for?

Look, man, he was talkin' shit, a'ight?

Look, fuck his punk ass!

Fuck his punk ass?

How we gonna find where the money at now, huh, Booze?

He the only one that knew where it was!

What now?

What now? Look, I don't know!

Fuck!

Go.

Take this fool and you dump this nigga body somewhere nobody'll find it.

Think you could do that without fuckin' up?

That something you could handle?

Good afternoon, everybody.

I want to thank you all for being so patient.

We're running just a few minutes behind right now, but Mr. Lloyd will be out very shortly, okay?

So, since when do you believe in psychics?

He's on television.

Oh, oh, okay.

So he must be real.

Well, of course. He's on television.

Oh. He's very compelling.

Oh, good. Hmm, I'm sure he'll help you a lot.

Well, you know, there were so many things left unsaid between Frank and I, and I just...

I just want Frank to tell me if he was always faithful.

Are you sure you'd really wanna know all that, Susan?

Oh, that's horrible.

No, I'm not trying to be ugly, but, uh, you know, this is all about Dallas, isn't it?

You see, I can't talk to you about anything.

You don't like to talk about anything. Why don't you go to therapy?

That is not making me feel any better.

I'm not... Okay, I'm sorry.

Let's do it to it, people, because concentration is information, and information is the key to success.

Whoa! Ho-ho! Whoa.

I just had an intense vision.

If I don't get good notes today, I see a bunch of people on the unemployment line tomorrow.

You don't like this job... Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah...

Too damn bad.

You should have been born with talent like me.

Got that, Larry? Yes, sir.

What an asshole. Dick.

And coming to the stage, John Lloyd!

You better not fret.

Ladies and gentlemen, I got something to tell you you're not gonna like, ‘cause all of us are gonna die.

But there's no reason to be afraid.

Mm-mmm. Because this life is just a practice for a better life that's yet to come.

I've been given a gift so that I may share that gift with you.

We have, in our studio audience today, a woman... named... Susan.

And... she had a husband... named...

Frank. Oh! Oh, that's me!

Well, c-come on down! Come on down.

Susan, Susan, welcome.

Welcome to the show, Susan. Thank you.

You seem a little nervous here. I feel very nervous.

Uh, well, let's give Susan a big hand, make her feel at home.

Okay. Now, Susan, Susan, you were married to Frank? Mm-hmm.

You lost Frank?

Mm-hmm.

You loved him very, very much. Mm-hmm.

You miss him very, very much.

Mm. Yes.

Well, I have news for you, Susan.

We're gonna talk to Frank today. Oh.

But I need your help, okay? Okay.

All right. So, now, I want you to think... think about Frank, everything about Frank.

How he looked, how he sounded, what he smelled like, all right?

Everything about Frank.

I want you to take a deep breath... and place your hands on the orb.


Susan, where are we?

Frank? Is that you?

Of course it is, sweetheart.

Oh, Susan. I...

I miss you.

I love you.

Now, there is...

There is something you... you want to ask me, isn't there?

About that... About that time you called me at the hotel room in Dallas and a woman answered the phone. Yes!

Well, yeah... w-why didn't you just ask me, sweetheart?

It was just the maid cleaning up the room.

I never cheated on you.

I...

I always loved you.

I-I was a faithful, faithful husband.

Yo, Brian, check this shit out, dude.

Turn to channel 13.

I'm looking at the solution to all our problems.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. That's what we do!

That's what we do!

Coming!

I'm comin'!

Oh, my. Oh my, oh my.

Hello.

Well, what can I do for you, miss?

Mr. Lloyd...

I'm your biggest fan in the world, and I wonder if we could talk for a minute?

Of course.

Just wait one... one little minute.

Dick on, brain off.

Never fails. Sh... Shit.

Sorry to wake your ass up, Mr. Lloyd, but, uh, we need a favor.

Yo, I was watching your show.

You was talking to this old lady, right, and she was crying and shit, like cryin', and asking about her husband and, uh, oh, it was... Dude, what's his name?

Um... Frank.

Frank. Yeah.

Right. Right.

That shit was crazy, man.

And it was like all this stuff... Hey, hey.

We just need you to kick that psychic shit like you do every day, a'ight?

Wha... What was it called when a... when the spooks talk through ya?

Channeling.

Channeling. He is a motherfuckin' professional.

All right, channeling.

I need you to channel Cliff Bettis, get him to tell us where that money at.

What makes you think that he will tell you now when he wouldn't tell you when he was alive?

‘Cause we got his motherfuckin' bitch now, man.

Shut up! I got this, a'ight?

All right.

But we do got his motherfuckin' bitch now.

So I figure, look, if Ghost Cliff don't talk, we just slay her ass.

I don't have anything to do with this!

Aw, Sandra, baby.

It's-It's not personal.

I mean, we not monsters. It's just business, a'ight?

What if I told you... that the truth is I cannot talk to dead people?

This motherfucker.

Nice try.

Watch your show all the time, man. We see what you can do.

Besides, if you are a phony, I figure we just rob the place and murder your ass, you know, so the night won't be a total loss.

Just askin'.

Good question.

I guess a séance is in order.

Yeah, séance that shit.

Okay. Uh, um...

I, uh, I have to go to the bathroom for a second.


I'm so fucked.

I am so fucked!

I am so fucked!

I am so fucked.

Uh! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

John! John, stop whi... Stop whining.

Stop, stop whining.

Stop.

You are a master showman.

You fool 20 million people a week.

You can sure as shit fool a bunch of dumb-ass thugs from the hood!

Now, you get out there... and you blow them the fuck away.

And you call this a party?

Could be.

Okay... I need you all... to concentrate on the red candles at the center of the table.

And concentrate... concentrate on the image of Cliff's face.

Look, all right, man, we gonna do this, but, hey, but don't try no funny shit, a'ight?

I'm going to count down from 12... and when I get to the end, Cliff... should... possess my body.

Let's do it.

Twelve.

Eleven.

Ten.

Nine.

Eight.

Seven.

Six.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One. Oh, my God!

What's going on?

What's, wh...

Marvin!

Why the fuck you have to strangle me, Marvin?

I told you I wasn't fuckin' nobody else.

Latasha? Oh, quit lyin', bitch.

Your ass ain't nothin' but old scandalous baldhead-ass ho!

Hey, I know you.

Hey, fuhgeddaboutit!

You're that moolie that shot me on that buy.

You think you're the new kingfish?

Fuhgeddaboutit!

Sammy the Shark?

Wait-Wait, you-you-you full a shit, man.

You tried to cheat me!

Booze, how you gonna put a knife in your own cousin's back?

Now, come on, Booze! I...

Pee-Wee? What the fuck?

Gore, you're a punk!

You had to shoot me in a drive-by

‘cause you were too chicken-shit to face me straight up, huh?

Well, you're the bloody wanker who carjacked me.

This fool's bringing up every cat we ever did murder.

Hey, we... we just wanna talk to Cliff, man!

I can't believe you motherfuckers had the nerve to bring me back.

Oh, my God.

Baby, is it really you?

Yes, it is.

And you are lookin' fine tonight, sugar.

Welcome back, nigga.

Booze! What the fuck you doin'?

Shut up, nigga! I know what I'm doin'.

Now, you gonna tell us where that money at, or I'm gonna paint the walls with your bitch's brains. Huh?

You can't do that, Booze, cause your gun don't work.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, you done fucked with the wrong nigger, huh?

Come on.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

Ain't this a bitch?

You couldn't find me a better body than this muthafuckin' piece of shit to get me, huh?

I killed you once, I'm about to do it again with your punk ass, motherfucker.

Oh, oh, oh, uh-oh, yeah.

What the fuck is all this dancin' shit?

Ever tell you what my favorite soul group was, huh?

Huh? From the '70s?

What was it, baby?

The Spinners, baby. That's right. The Spinners.

Whoo!

Aw...

Fuck, man!

Shit.

You kick their fuckin' asses for me, Papi.

B-dog, what we gonna do? Nigga, I don't know!

Gore, you always had a big-ass mouth.

Shut the fuck up!

But people who eat glass in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Ugh.

Oh, fuck!

Damn.

Somethin' disagree with your tummy?

They say it's 80 percent what you eat, baby.

That's right.

Get back, you spawn of Satan! Ah!

In-In-In the name of Christ, I command you!

Oh, put that away!

Put it away. Where'd you get religion, boy?

Since-Since Gore showed me Horror of Dracula.

Well, you got two problems with that, nigga.

One, you gotta have faith for that thing to work, and two, I ain't no vampire, fool!

Next time, try watchin' The Exorcist.

Cliff, chill out, man!

I-I ain't the one that even killed you!

That-That was Booze, man.

I got this motherfucker to bring you back, huh?

Yeah, and I intend to thank you for that.

Come on now, man.

You got a body now, and-and you know, he rich, richer than a motherfucker, man.

It's a famous-ass white boy right here, man.

Famous-ass nigga!

Come on. You know what kind of life you about to be pimpin' now? Huh?

Shit, as far as I'm concerned, look, you ain't got nothing to be mad about.

Fuck. That-That's a good trade.

Right?

Except my dick was bigger before.

Ah, man. That shit way overrated, man.

Ain't that right, Sandra?

Brian, you never cared about nobody in your life but yourself.

All you cared about is power.

Well, I'm gonna give you all the motherfuckin' power your greedy-ass heart desires.

How about 500 volts?

That stinks, baby!

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Why are you talkin' like that?

I got to practice, baby.

Ooh, I gots to practice.

Mmm.


Sit down! Sit your ass down.

All right, all right.

Let's get this party started.

I am the man who gets paid, because I can really talk to dead people.

Now, which one a-you motherfuckers wanna go first?

The tale has been successfully stored in the Patriot's memory.

Who wants to go first?

Now that's a story the Robo-Patriot could learn from.

I'm glad you liked it.

I have more.

Well, I hope it's as good.

Um, excuse me a moment. Excuse me, Lauren.

Have you got the progress report?

He seems to be close with his employees.

He comes on to all the women who work for him.

You too? Me too.

But it is not why I got the promotion.

Why do you put up with it?

Because I believe in the overall mission.

American safety.

Yeah, and making a lot of money.

I'm back. Another story?

Oh, ready to record.

How about one that deals with three favorite human pastimes?

Sex, drugs, and this crazy idea of bros over hos.

I can't wait to hear this one. Right, Kelly?

Ah!

Well, this one begins as most modern romances do... with technology.

Hi, Ty. Carmen here with my BFF, Liz.

I told her all about you and your buddy Kahad, and we're both really excited to hook up with you.

I texted you the address, so we'll see you tonight.

Bye. Bye.

Mm. So, you met these babes on Tinder?

Oh, yes, I did.

Well, Carmen right there, the one on the right, I met her on Tinder.

We were chattin' up a storm, man.

She asked if I had a good-looking friend for her girl, Liz.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh!

And I said no, but I'll bring my boy Kahad.

Oh, ma... Fuck you, Ty. Yeah.

You're lucky you're driving, 'cause I woulda knocked your ass out just now.

Would you? Yeah, tell me that again after tonight, after you see how much I hooked us up.

These girls are smokin'.

Oh, oh, okay! All right.

What did you tell them to get 'em so hyped?

I'm an agent and you're a casting director.

I can't believe that keeps working.

Like, that's not hard to check up on at all.

No, it isn't, at all.

They are your typical actress, model, wannabe singer types.

It's stupid. It's easy.

They're dumber than rocks, that's what they are.

Literally, and I mean, people believe what they want to believe, they hear what they wanna hear, and I told 'em we were gonna get 'em real big parts.

They gonna get big parts all right.

That's my boy.

Yes!

Goddamn it. You are bad. I love it.

Can I get a amen? Amen!

Ooh! You know that!

Nice crib! Yeah.

I thought you said they were wannabes?

Maybe they're trust fund babes. I don't know.

Let's go.

Wannabes?

Wow.

Do you fuckin' see this?

Yes!

Hi, guys! Welcome. Hello!

Come on in. Is this Mr. Kahad?

Yes, I am. Ooh.

Hi, baby. What's up, beautiful? How you doin'?

So glad you're cute. You look good.

Oh, my God. Thank you, thank you. Welcome to our home.

Yeah. Welcome. Mm, you look amazing. This is nice.

This is... This crib is insane.

You guys can throw some sick parties in here.

It's just y'all two livin' here? Yeah, it's what we're doin' right now.

Mm, it only takes four to make a party.

Or three if you're naughty.

Mm. I like that.

I wanna be naughty. Yeah?

Yeah, I do.

You wanna be naughty with me? Mm-hmm.

Hey, here's a crazy idea.

You guys wanna play a little game?

"I've got 99 problems, but blank ain't one."

All right. Okay.

Five. Whoa, whoa!

Four, three. You're going fast here.

Two. Okay, okay, okay.

One!

Okay, okay. What do we have here?

Okay, Ty.

"I've got 99 problems, but The Chronic ain't one."

The Chronic, ladies. Come on, right? Am I right?

Mm... That's who she thought was gonna win?

You can just hand me the card, man. Agree to disagree?

I don't know about that. Agree to disagree.

Uh, Carmen.

"I've got 99 problems, but smegma ain't one."

Oh, my... That's right.

That is so... I'm done.

What in the world is smegma?

I'll show ya later.

Ew! What?

Nasty.

And Liz, "I've got 99 problems, but doin' the right thing ain't one."

No, it ain't. You better watch it. You better get your friend.

That's my girl. Own it, baby. Own it.

And this round goes to...

Liz. Ooh-hoo!

This is rigged. This game...

That's messed up. I'm done.

Stop hatin'.

All I got left... I don't like all that. Stop, stop hatin'.

All right, all right, all right.

Settle, children. Settle.

"A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have 50 percent less sex after being exposed to..." Five...

Wait, wait, wait. Four...

Oh, whoa, shit, um... Three...

Ooh, girl. Two...

Um, okay. One...

I'm in. I'm in.

All right.

"A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have 50 percent less sex after being exposed to..."

Ooh... "Coat hanger abortion."

Oh, dude.

Oh, don't act like that's too far.

All right. Kahad. Mm-hmm.

"A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have 50 percent less sex after being exposed to... a bleached asshole."

That should get you more play if you're doin' it right, babe.

That was it. That was it.

I'll give you that. That was a good one.

Some people like that.

My girl, Carmen. Yes, baby.

"A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have 50 percent less sex after being exposed to... a micro-penis."

Ooh! Why are you pointing this way?

Itty-bitty! Kahad, you got your feelings hurt just now, man?

Wait, why are... Don't... Hey. Super defensive.

Ooh! Don't say that too loud, you're gonna hurt Kahad's feelings.

Hey, once you go this way... First smegma.

Now micro-penis... You ain't goin' back, all right?

We'll see, honey. And the winner is... my girl, Carmen. Oh, yes!

Wait, that beat "bleached assholes"? This is rigged.

Afraid so. Yeah, that beat "bleached"...

Really? They're kickin' our ass.

Super defensive. Getting really defensive.

So defensive!

So, uh, Ty tells me you cast a lot of blockbusters.

What's it like to work with Marvel?

Um, well, they're really open to all of my opinions.

In fact, I'm the one who suggested Chris Pratt for Guardians.

Wow! That's very cool. Mm-hmm.

I have a fourth eye for spottin' talent.

My third eye's for spottin' beautiful women like you two.

All right, ladies. After a performance like that, you deserve a drink.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

All right, let's make a toast.

To hot sweaty nights spent howling at the moon.

I like that.

Ooh!

Ah. Mm.

Mine tastes kinda funny.

Mine too.


Goddamn, these babes are gorgeous.

Mm. Oh, my God. I want the one with the curly hair.

All right, don't get ahead of yourself, ‘cause I'm-a have both first, and then you gonna have your turn, all right?

Wait, no. I'm not about to have your sloppy seconds.

Dude, that's all you ever get.

Oh-oh, okay. Okay. So that's what we gonna do?

We gonna flip a coin, okay? Okay.

That's what we gonna do. Mm-mmm.

I have been in a room just like this before with that chick Ilsa.

Uh-huh.

I bet you these girls are into bondage and BDSM and all sorts of freaky shit.

They probably like what we're about to do to 'em.

Oh, well, maybe we should look around, find their whips and chains.

Damn, Kahad. What kind of man ties up and beats unconscious women?

You need to look at yourself. I'm just sayin'.

Dang, you're right. Yeah.

It is kinda sick, isn't it? We should just fuck 'em.

That's my boy right there. Show some class.

Oh, all right. Look, look.

I want you to frame in, focus on her tits, and then we're gonna pan over right here.

No, what I want you to do is not tell me how to do my job.

Kahad... Kahad... I'm the director here, okay?

Focus on the tits, all right?

Okay, okay.

Goddamn it.

Crazy. All right, man. We are... God.

...set.

We ready?

Um...

It... I don't know. It's... I don't know.

What did you do? I-I...

It's broken... I didn't do nothin'.

Same thing I've been doing the past several...

Okay. I'm gonna... Watch. I'm gonna fix it.


They're vampires. Vampires.

No. Bullshit!

These bitches must think it's Halloween.

Trick or treat.

Trick or treat.

Give us something warm to drink.

Bring it the fuck on! Yeah, come on!

Ah!

Go, go, go, go, go! Get up!

Get up, Ty! Get up! Let's go!

Go, go, go! I'm going!

Let's get the fuck outta here!

Oh, sh...

No, get off! Get off!


What is this? What is this?

Oh, shit! Where the hell are we?

And what the fuck are those guys? What the fuck?

I don't know, but I don't wanna find out.

Let's get outta here.

I'm not feelin' too good at all, man.

Ah! Me neither, man.

Those bitches practically drained us dry.

We thought you two would never wake up.

Why are you doing this to us? What do you want?

Isn't it obvious?

We're a pair of predators who do our hunting on the Internet just like you.

Ah, fuck!

Oh, but most of our stud-morsels have the good manners to shrivel up and die...

...after we feed.

But some turn, and we can't just let them run loose in the streets.

It wouldn't be very... discreet.

So, we keep them locked down here, starving with blood lust.

It would be sad if they hadn't all been such rotten little fuckers.

Look, look. We will not tell anybody! Anybody!

Just let us go, okay? Christ, man.

Just let us fucking go. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Shut the fuck up, man!

We like to give them the leftovers.

Stop, no! No! Do not do this! Please... Please don't do this!

No, no, no, no!

No! No! No! Ah! Oh, God!

No! No! Get off of me!

Oh! Oh, no! Ah! Ah!

Help me, please! Help!

The tale has been successfully stored in the Patriot's memory.

Poor bastards.

Really?

Sounds like the Robo-Patriot won't be going after rapists.

Like hell it won't.

You do understand that aliens crossing our borders, so many of them criminals, rapists.

We are providing the answer.

But those young guys? Hormones. Hmm.

Boys will be boys. I mean, they have to be to become men.

Am I right, Grant?

Yeah, b-boys have to become men, right?

You agree, Kelly?

Here's the thing.

Some women, far from virtuous, if you get my meaning.

Yes, virtue.

Yeah, yeah, and anyone who says that all women are bastions of virtue don't understand shit.

The shit!

No, Mr. Beach, they do not understand the shit!

They do not understand the shit at all.

In fact, no one really understands the shit.

Do we have time for another tale?


Stay back here, boy.


You got two boys from Chicago here?

Yes, sir.

I want the one that did all the talking down in Money.

Yes, sir.

Better turn on some lights, preacher.

Can't, sir. Electricity's out.


You the nigger who did the talkin'?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Don't you "yeah" me, boy.

I'll blow your head off.

Put your clothes on.

You gonna do what I said, boy?

You okay? Our baby kicking?

It was that boy again.

Emily, it's just a dream. We talked about this.

He's not sure we deserve this baby.

What? Of course we deserve it.

Baby, I have this feeling he wants to take it away.

This time will be different.

What did Dr. Gwinett say at your last visit?

"Everything looks fine." That was last week.

Well, I'll give him a call to come over first thing tomorrow, okay?

Now, I just want you to close your eyes, clear your mind, think about how beautiful this baby is gonna be.

Go back to sleep.

No.

No, he'll just be there waiting for me.

And then...

He's gonna be here.

Emily, get back in bed.

Please! Just leave him!

Please.

Just leave him! Please.

Can't you just leave him?

He ain't got good sense.

He didn't know what he was doin'.

Don't take him.

Just your shoes.

I don't wear shoes without socks.

Please.

I will pay you gentlemen for whatever damages if you will just leave him here.

How much you got?

You best be gettin' back to bed.

And I mean, I wanna hear springs.

In fact, all you niggers need to go back to sleep.


You know anybody here?

No, sir. I don't know you.

How old are you?

Sixty-four.

Well, if tomorrow you decide you know somebody here, you're not gonna live to be 65.

Now get inside... if you want to live to see another sunrise.


Well, it happened again last night.

Well, I-I tried that, but...

Okay.

Yeah, I... I appreciate it. Whatever you can do.

A-As soon as you can get here.

Thank you.


How is she? How's Emily?

Well, she finally went to sleep. I just got off the phone with Dr. Gwinett. He's on his way.

You know I don't think all this activity is doing her any good.

Mama, let's not do this today, okay?

I told you she doesn't need to be worrying about a campaign.

You wouldn't be saying that if I was throwin' support behind Jenkins.

It's only because it's Cotton. True.

I don't understand you supporting a race-baiting bastard like William Cotton.

But no matter who it was, I would be saying something, because she needs rest.

You remember last year. Yeah, I remember.

I was there in the room.

I'm just saying, another loss will destroy her.

You don't think I realize that? You don't think I care?

Well, you must got a pretty low opinion about your son.

For God sakes, Mama, it was my child too!

Then damn it, Henry, act like it.


If I were you...

I'd apologize to Mr. Bryant.

Maybe you'd get off with just a bit of a beatin'.

If you cared about your child's future, your wife's, or my future, you wouldn't be supporting Cotton.

That man wants to close down ten more voting locations, all of them in black districts.

No, no, no, all in Democratic districts, and I'm a Republican.

Why you putting race into it? "Putting"?

He's purposely making it harder for black people to vote.

Race is already in it. No, it doesn't have to be.

You and Daddy raised me to work hard, get ahead, and beat the odds.

Daddy said singles don't mean a damn thing.

Black man's gotta hit a home run if he wants to score, and that's what I'm doing.

Not everybody can hit a home run.

I bet William Cotton and every one of those racist fools he appeals to can't hit one either.

William Cotton's about to be governor.

That's a home run.

It is not a home run when you're born on third base.

Oh, Mama.

What the hell is she doin'?

Emily?

Emily, shouldn't you stay in bed until Dr. Gwinett gets here?

He's having doubts.

Who's having doubts? About what?

The boy. He's having doubts about dying.

And if he doesn't die, he's gonna come right out of those woods.

I need to... No, no, no.

Nobody's gonna take our baby, okay? I do feel a presence.

Mama, please! Stop!

Can't you see she's wound up enough?

Now, listen, both of you.

Nobody's out there, and no one's gonna touch our baby, all right?

Let's go back inside.

Dr. Gwinett'll be here in a minute.

Come on. It's okay.

Emily, the baby seems to be just fine.

You're sure? Yes.

But do yourself and your baby a favor and stay in bed.

And if things aren't better by tomorrow, you come by my office.

Good? Yeah.

Keep an eye on her. Okay.

What about the dreams?

Pregnancy can do odd things with body chemistry, hormones.

They're just dreams.

Like I used to tell my children, think of something really wonderful as you drift off.

That often does the trick.

So you mean, she shouldn't even come downstairs for the fund-raiser this evening?

I'm telling you, she shouldn't leave that bed.

All right. Thanks, Martin. Anytime, Henry.

You think Dr. Gwinett is right, Mama Bradley?

I just need to think good thoughts?

I don't know, but I know someone who might.

Mama, where you goin'?

I need you to stay with Emily while I deal with this fund-raiser.

You watch her until I get back.

And to hell with that damn fund-raiser!


Excuse me. Excuse me.

Thank you, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention, please.

First of all, we'd like to thank you for coming out.

But for now, I want to introduce the man of the hour, Mayor, soon to be governor, William Cotton.

Thank you, Henry. Yes, sir.

Appreciate that.

Thank you very much. Appreciate you coming out.

I'd like to thank Henry again for this fine event at this beautiful fabulous home he's got here.

What a place. What a place.

And take a look at this.

Takes you back in time, doesn't it?

Goes well with my campaign slogan.

"Let's take Mississippi back" to the core values we've always had here in the South.

And to have a man like Henry...

who, in his past, would have been serving this party... instead of hosting it.

Anyway, anyway, now Henry has this fine plantation home.

And a very fine, and a very white wife, as I recall.

Where is she, anyway, Henry? Ah, she's feeling a little tired, sir.

The pregnancy and all.

Well, we'll let that little lady rest.

I imagine it's big work carrying around all that extra weight.

It makes me glad I got an outie instead of a innie, if you catch my meaning.

The thing is... thing is, Henry, his beautiful white wife, this fine home, only goes to prove that we have moved past all that racial rigmarole.

Times have changed, my friends. Times have changed.


Hmm.


Get on the post, boy.

I've got him. I've got him.

Now, boy, you ain't got the right to half look at a white woman... much less whistle at one.

I do all the time back home. Well, you ain't back home.

Down here, niggers gonna respect a white man and his woman.

I'm not respecting anyone that's not respecting me.

And that's all there is to that.

Chicago, would you please apologize to the man so maybe he take it easy on you?

You shut up, boy! That's right, boy!

I don't need one nigger tellin' another nigger how to obey me.

I can do that on my own.

Them that want to get ahead can get ahead. Them that want to vote... can get their lazy ass off the sofa they bought with a welfare check.

Yeah. Sign up for an ID, and go to a voting booth!

On a proper weekday to vote!

Closing a few polling locations does not mean that we're trying to keep the blacks from voting.

No, sir.

We just trying to be efficient.

After all, we're all in the same party, right?

Indeed we are, sir. It doesn't have to be about race... when it can be about money.

And I'm-a take all your money here tonight...

to ensure our victory in the fall so we can take Mississippi back to the values that made this state great.

I don't know what kind of poison they feedin' niggers up north to make 'em act the way you do.

But down here, you're either gonna be a good nigger or a dead nigger.

I'll die like a man before I live like a nigger.

You uppity...

You sure that's the way you want it, boy?

I'm a reasonable man.

I ain't ever beat no nigger before.

So I'm gonna give you one more chance... to make the right decision.

Rousing speech, sir. I see a lot of checkbooks open.

Yeah, money's important, Henry.

But not near as important as you remembering how to vote on closing those polling locations, councilman.

Now, we need you to get out front, take some of the heat off of your less civic-minded relative.

Now, you do that, and I'll see to it that you get the Mayor's office when I get the Governor's mansion.

I'm honored, sir. He's going to live!

Emily! Hold on, hold on.

We all know what happened last time. It'll be all right.

Henry, he's decided to live.

Emily, we all happy to know your baby done decided to live.

That boy from the fields has decided to live, and if he does, it will kill this baby.

Emily!

Emily!

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

No, he's out there. He's in that field.

Now I will kill him. I'll kill him myself.

Emily!

I see you!

He's right... He's right there, Henry.

Emily, there's nobody there. He is killing our baby.

Please, sweetie. Just put down the knife.

The baby's fine. No, Henry, look.

No!

See? It's getting smaller. He's killing our baby.

There's no one there. You go back and die!

What?

No. No. No, Henry... Please.

He's there! He has to die! No.

No, he has to die! Come on in, please.

He has to die! It's all right. Just come inside.

Thanks for nothin', Mama.

Give us a minute.

Emmett?

I brought up some tea and a little fruit.

He can see him, can't he?

He ought to see something. He's been out there all night.

I do believe he can. I knew it.

You good?

I can't believe you brought that crazy voodoo man over here.

Made me look like a damn fool in front of everybody.

Well, I'm glad to see you've kept your priorities straight.

Anyway, you've been lookin' like a fool for months.

Mama, not every black person has to vote the same way.

Some of us think for ourselves.

And some of you only think about yourselves.

More important to get into office than do something.

Well, we don't have to worry about that after tonight.

Thank you.

Did you see him? Yeah.

And?

He want to talk to you.

What? I'm not playing along with this BS...

Henry, talk to him!

I don't want to lose another baby.

And you won't. Wrong. You gonna lose more than that.

You're gonna lose everything unless you talk to him.

And what do I talk to this invisible man about, huh?

Sacrifice. Sacrifice.

He doesn't think you worth dying for.

Who the hell asked him to?

Jesus! Y'all got me talking like somebody's really out there.

He said that a black man votin' to close the polls to keep other black folks from voting... last straw.

What? Are you serious?

So you conjure up this nonsense to get me to change my vote?

I didn't make him say that... Unbelievable!

Henry! It's getting smaller.

I'm calling Dr. Gwinett.

Can't nothing good happen now... unless he talk.

Can I talk to him?

It couldn't hurt.

Hey, Martin.

It's Dr. Gwinett.

Where is she?

Um, she's upstairs.

I've never seen anything like this before.

It's like the child is shrinking.

What? What do we do?

We... We can't lose another, Doc.

It'll kill her. It'll kill us both.

Wait, are you saying that this is your child inside her?

What? Yes!

Doc, wait, wait. Where you going?

I don't work for coloreds, and I definitely don't work for any mixed marriage.

No, he's not my husband. He kidnapped me.

Emily, what? You need to leave this house now.

You can't make me leave my own house.

Bull! Negroes can't own homes in this district.

Now do as I say and get your black ass out of this house!

The only one leaving this house is you. No. No.

Get out! Don't touch him.

Get out! Emily, stop!

No!

Get...

Get the hell out!

You don't put your hands on a white man like that!

You bastard!

Stop!

Emily, stop!

I don't know where you stole that phone, but unless it's got an app on it to turn your black ass invisible, you got hell to pay, boy!

Henry! It doesn't matter what I say. You need to talk to him.

Mama, not now. I don't know what's goin' on.

What's goin' on is that you need to see that boy.

Otherwise, your child won't be the only one lost.

All right, where's this ghost?

Stop being disrespectful, Henry.

He's right in front of you. My apologies.

Okay, this is stupid.

If you want your wife back, you got to see what's in front of you.

Focus. Open your eyes.

Respect the sacrifices that's been gifted you.

Where'd you come from? The past.

But I've been blessed with a chance to see the future, and, well, it's not at all what I thought.

What kinda craziness is this?

No craziness, sir.

Just realizing I went through a lot of hell for nothing, so it seems.

What do you mean? Who the hell are you?

My family calls me Bobo, but you might know me by Emmett.

Emmett Till, sir.

You're trying to tell me you're Emmett Till?

Most people recognize me more like this.

Mr. Henry, a lot of folks think that Emmett's death sparked the Civil Rights Movement.

Who the hell are you? Respect the sacrifice.

I'm Carole Denise McNair, sir.

And these are my friends from Sunday school.

Addie Mae Collins, Cynthia Wesley and Carole Robertson.

You're the four little girls. Yes, sir.

From 16th Street Baptist Church.

And Emmett standing up and dying like he did helped us get voting rights.

Why would you support a party that wants to take them away?

If this boy died for civil rights, then he should want me to have the freedom to do and vote as I please.

I didn't die so you could have more freedom to do as you please.

I died so you could have more freedom to do what's right.

Like you had a choice.

Respect the sacrifices.

You always have a choice.

Mine was to live like a coward or die like a man.

But maybe it wasn't worth it.

Maybe none of our deaths were worth it.

But that would mean that James, Andrew and Michael's deaths weren't worth it either.

Chaney, Goodman, Schwerner.

Or even Mr. Evers.

And I'm pretty sure you know who that is.

Dr. King.

Don't forget her.

Who is that? My mother.

Her sacrifice was letting the world see my body, knowing this horrible image would haunt her for the rest of her life.

A lot of folks took a lot of pain for you to be so cavalier about your freedom, Mr. Bradley.

Respect the sacrifices gifted you.

Respect the sacrifices gifted you.

Respect the sacrifices gifted you.

Respect the sacrifices gifted you.

Respect the sacrifices given you. No.

Respect the sacrifices given you.

No, no, no! Respect...-

Stop!

Well, it seems I have a second chance.

And this time, I think I'm gonna choose a bit differently.

Emmett, you can't.

Actually, he can. But you can't let him.

If Emmett doesn't die, history changes.

Perhaps none of them die.

Perhaps, the only thing that dies is a chance at the civil rights you enjoy.

No, this is crazy. No way this can be happening.

It is happening, Henry, and you need to stop it before it...

Go!

There he is! That's the nigger that raped me.

What?

Come here, boy. Emily, I'm your husband!

You're just makin' it worse, disrespectin' that white woman.

Hold on a minute. He didn't rape her. That's his wife!

Hush up, you nigger bitch!

Yeah, stay down.

You motherfucker! I'll kill you!

Get...

Watch it, now.

Get him outta here! Let me go!

Let me go! Let me go!

Get him!

Wait! Get him! Hey!

Can't you do something?

What would you like us to do, Mr. Bradley?

Go back and die to make your life a little easier?

It's not for me. It's for my child, for my wife.

That's not her. She's not racist. She loves me.

She did. And she can again.

But you have to join us. You have to sacrifice.

What does that mean?

It means you wouldn't be here without me.

Without us.

And as you can see, without all the sacrifices, everything in your world changes.

If what you want is worth us dying for, why isn't it worth you dying for?

'Cause you're already dead.

Don't have to be.

I can make a different choice, live a different life.

Maybe we all live different lives.

Maybe I'll go to school, maybe I become a councilman, and I can avoid this.

But if you want me to take that whooping, if you want us to sacrifice our lives to make the lives of your loved ones a little better, you need to change, sir.

Okay. I won't vote to close the polls, and I'll leave the party.

That's no longer an option.

You've got to go the extra mile.

Will you sacrifice with me?

I, uh...

Well, that seems to answer it.

Looks like this is good-bye.

No, wait.

Let's go! No, wait. Wait, wait!

Please! Please! I need more time.

Just, I-I j... I just need more time! Please!

Wait! Get off me!

No, wait! I need more time... Take this black bitch too!

Please! Let me go! Let me...

If you left any seed in me, you could be damn well sure I'm gonna kill it.

Okay, I will. I will! I will!

I will! Get him!

Son of a bitch! Get him!

I'll do it. I'll take your sacrifice.

Are you sure? Yeah.

I'm a man.

Boy, he said "Are you sure?"

I'm a man.

And I intend to live like one until the last breath God gives me.

Then take what you asked for.


Oh, my God! What happened?


I'm proud of you, son.


Can't say that was your best story, Simms.

Can't say that I liked that one much at all.

We should get moving, Mr. Beach.

The event is ready to start.

Grant, is the Robo-Patriot prepped?

Uh, entirely, sir.

Here we go.

When these media assholes see this, it's just gonna be like holy shit.

Yeah! The shit! Yeah.

The doo-doo! The poopity pop!

Are you okay, Simms?

Apologies.

I mean, it's just that... Do you mind if I watch the press conference?

I mean...

I would love to see the shit!

I think it's gonna be quite amazing!

Ooh, hoo hoo!

Oh! No harm, I suppose.

Let's go.

So, to further explain, let me bring up the leader in corrective technology, Dumass Beach.

Thank you, Kelly. I'm gonna get right to it.

Here at Beach Industries, we want to do what's right for America.

Now, that means safer streets, cities and states.

Beach Industries wants to help create a country where foreign scum, terrorists, rapists, and criminals of all kinds cannot only be quickly and easily identified, but justly convicted, and punished in a way that saves billions of tax dollars, that until now have been wasted on funding a legal system that is woefully ineffective.

Thank you, Grant.

So today, I present to you the future of American security, the Robo-Patriot.

This machine not only has the ability to, within seconds, scan NSA, FBI, CIA, local police, and social media files to quickly identify those who have already committed criminal acts, but uses new technology created by my company to predict a person's criminal or anti-American threat level by reading brain waves, heat patterns and DNA, which it captures, using molecules found in a person's breath as they exhale.

Well, this gives a whole new meaning to the term, "bad breath."

Uh, Mr. Beach, are you saying this thing can predict criminal behavior?

More than that.

I'm saying it knows 100 percent if someone will or will not commit a future crime that could harm any number of lawful American citizens.

This is an intelligent machine that can police our streets as well as serve as judge, jury, and if need be, executioner.

I know. It sounds amazing, right?

So, we prepared a little demonstration.

We have placed among you men and women who have criminal histories.

Let's see if the Robo-Patriot can find them.

Is this thing gonna kill someone?

The Robo-Patriot will do whatever is necessary to protect America and its true citizens.

So unless you have plans on, uh, harming America...

Anyone?

You should all be fine.

Robo-Patriot is activated and looking for threats against America.

Robo-Patriot identifies criminals at threat level two.

Threat level two is simply small-time burglars.

Whoa.

Turn yourselves in to avoid further legal actions to protect America.

There we go. There we go!

How about that, ladies and gentlemen.

American technology at work.

Built in America.

Robo-Patriot identifies illegals without papers.

Please turn yourselves in, or I will do what it takes to protect America.

Ah, it's a beautiful thing.

How about that, ladies and gentlemen.

Here to protect your families, your American families.

How do we know these aren't plants?

Well, as you know, I run the toughest prison...

What? Like a person, it can learn from secondhand experience.

Stories, fables, tales.

Those young guys? Hormones. Boys will be boys.

Your kind are particularly accomplished liars.

Your brothers and sisters make up an enormous part of my profits.

As well as serve as judge, jury, executioner.

Judge, jury, executioner.

Robo-Patriot identifies one immediate clear and present threat to American civilization.

Oh!

Uh-oh! Perhaps he thinks the fake media... is a real threat.

All right.

Robo-Patriot recognizes Dumb Ass Bitch.

That's, uh, Dumass Beach.

Um, it, uh, polices much better than it speaks. Trust me.

As a lethal threat that must be immediately neutralized to secure American safety.

Neutralizing the threat in five, four, three, two...

What the hell's... ...one.

No!

Goddamn thing! What the hell is...

No! No, stop!

Somebody's gonna lose their job...

Robo-Patriot recognizes worthless accomplices aiding and abetting Dumb Ass Bitch.

No! No!

I never liked him!

Help!

This robot has lost its damn mind!

Shit! Shit!

Robo-Patriot will protect America. Fuck!

No, no, no, no!

Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Metal motherfucker!

No! No, no!

Help!

Help! Help! No!

Wait. No, no. Please.

Oh! Beach!

Going my way?

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Drive!

I think it got me.

Christ!

I'm afraid Christ can no longer be of service, Mr. Beach.

Oh, skip the religious lecture and drive, Simms!

Holy shit!

Ah, yes.

The shit!

What the hell is your black ass laughing about?

You think this is some kind of joke?

You drive this car to a goddamn hospital before I bleed out and die, you crazy nigger!

This ain't no joke!

This ain't no car.

I ain't no nigger!

And your worthless soul is no longer alive!

Where am I? Where am I?

Mr. Dumass Beach, welcome to hell, motherfucker!

No! No! No!


Welcome to hell, motherfucker!


Ha!


Now that... was some shit.