Taxi S1E1 Script

Like Father, Like Daughter (1978)

MAN: Hey, Belson, you got cab 2452!

Tony, get out of cab 2452.

We need it.

Harry! 8622... Wash it!

It's filthy!

Hey, Tony, you get creamed in your fight last night?

What's it like having a cauliflower back?

I didn't get creamed.

I lost on the decision.

I'm impressed.

The referee decided I was bleeding too much.

Hey, Alex, want to go for breakfast?

No, I can't.

Hey, Alex. Hi, Alex.

Hi. Hi, guys.

I'm sorry I didn't have anything smaller than a $50 but I only had $150 in the bank and I took it all out to come to New York, and they gave me three 50s...

Yeah. And so, you see...

Look, I'm sorry I had to bring you back here just to get change.

Oh, are you kidding?

This is the New York kind of thing I've always dreamed of.

Maybe you want to buy one of our postcards.

Anybody here got change for a $50?

Yeah, I got it.

Hey, had a good night, huh, Alex?

Very funny.

Here you go.

Now, how much was that again?

$4.85.

There's five, and, uh...

This going to take much longer?

I'm sorry. I want to give you a tip.

It's just difficult to figure out what 15% of $4.85 is when somebody's looking at you.

CABBIES: 73 cents!

No, no pennies, thanks.

No pennies.

Uh, may I use the phone?

I have to find some place to stay.

Yeah, right there.

Oh.

Uh, do you have...?

Huh? Yeah.

Thank you.

Hey, Alex. Yeah.

They called me back for Equus.

Oh, you see?

I told you.

Hey, what's Equus?

Hey, don't give me a look like that.

I could ask a question.

A lot of people don't know about that.

It's... a play.

It's a play about a psychiatrist and a boy who worships horses.

So, before I go in there, I say straight to them:

"Gentlemen, you're looking at the man you're gonna hire."

So that gets their interest up real quick, right?

Oh, yeah. Right, right.

Hey, what part are you trying for?

Listen, soon as I finish over there, I'll come over here and I'll tell you everything, okay?

Until then, have a piece of gum.

Oh, thanks.

Why didn't you tell him what part?

Because, Alex, he won't understand.

Try him.

But, Alex, he won't...

Go ahead, try him. Take a chance.

Okay.

I'm up for the part of the horse.

Yeah? Which end?

Gee, this phone is terrific.

Yeah? We hoped you'd like it.

No, no, I mean, this plate's broken, see?

You just put your money in, and it comes right back.

You can call anywhere for free. Look.

Okay, behind me.

That's right, calm yourselves.

I got here first.

Hey, Alex, don't you want to make a call?

No, I don't have anybody to call.

There's got to be somebody somewhere you want to call.

No, well, no, not now.

Hello?

Is this the National Theater of London, England?

Yeah. I'd like to speak to Sir Laurence Olivier, please.

Yeah, it's Bobby Wheeler from New York City calling.

No, it's not personal.

I'm an actor, too.

This... is the National Theater of London.

That is a good call.

Hello?

I can't believe it.

I... I didn't think I could get you on the phone.

Oh, wow.

Laurence Olivier's secretary.

Listen, uh...

Do you think that I could talk to him, please?

Oh. Well, uh... what's he doing?

Oh, wow.

No kidding?

Taking a curtain call?

Well, don't bother him.

Just... just tell him that a guy... no... that an actor... named Bobby Wheeler just called to say... that...

Yeah. Hey, hey, thanks for listening.

That is a great phone, man.

Hey, Alex, you want to take my turn?

Uh, no, thanks, Tony.

You go ahead.

Well, if you're sure, I think I'll make a little one myself.

Operator. Yeah, I'd like to call Bangkok, Thailand.

Yeah, when I was in Vietnam, I went R&R in Bangkok.

Met a girl I just can't get out of my mind.

Just crazy about her.

Classiest lady I ever met.

Yes, operator, I want the VIP Massage Parlor.

Okay, I'll deposit the money.

( Coins clattering )

Excuse me?

Uh, my name's Elaine Nardo.

They told me to ask for Louie.

Yes, ma'am. I'm Louie De Palma.

Oh, hi.

I hope there's no trouble.

If there is, I'll be glad to help in any way I can.

Oh, no, no. It's just that they told me I'd be starting work today as a driver.

Here's my hack license.

You're a cab driver?

What do you mean busting my chops here making believe you're a regular person?

Go wait over there.

I'll call your name and number.

Till then, keep your mouth shut!

What's wrong?

Don't they feed you in there?

Whoo!

Whoo-whoo!

Hey, witty person.

Fill out this form...

And I hope you fill it out better than you fill out your pants.

See, we're all fun here.

Now, you mustn't be too upset with Louie, miss.

He's really a very nice guy.

He'd give you the scales off his back.

Well, I don't have to worry about him.

I'm only going to be working here part-time.

Oh.

I have this other job...

Oh, yeah, yeah. I know.

We're all part-time here.

I'm part-time.

I only work 60 hours a week.

No, really... I really work as a receptionist at an art gallery.

Oh, yeah?

No, I'm not really a taxi driver.

No, no, I understand.

You see that guy over there?

Now, he's an actor.

The guy on the phone, he's a prizefighter.

This lady over here, she's a beautician.

The man behind her, he's a writer.

Me, I'm a cab driver.

I'm the only cab driver in this place.

Why is everyone here just a little angry?

Hey, it's ringing.

Excuse me, miss.

You're a very interesting person, but I'm not sure you're as interesting as a massage parlor in Bangkok.

Well, don't be too sure till you know me better.

Oh... No, no, I'm kidding.

I'm not serious.

I'm all talk, really.

Please. I'm all talk.

Oh, well... back to the massage parlor.

Hello, this is PFC Tony Banta.

I'm calling from the USA.

I'd like to speak to... Number 12.

She's not, huh?

Hey, is there any way I could reach her?

Oh. Well, so long.

Since the war's over, they only go up to nine.

Hey, was that a crazy call I made?

I mean, do you think number 12 ever thinks of me?

How many times you ever see her?

Ten or 20 times.

How long were you in Bangkok?

A day.

Yeah, I think she remembers you.

Hey... hey, Alex, this is fun.

Why don't you make a call?

No... Come on.

Actually, I was thinking there for a second about calling my, uh, my kid.

Hey, I didn't know you had a kid!

Oh, well... Wow! A boy or a girl?

Girl.

Hey, Alex, how come you never brought her...?

'Cause I haven't seen her in 15 years.

15 years?!

Yeah, 15 years.

My ex-husband was right.

He's not the worst there is.

Oh, so you made up your mind about me already, huh?

I'm a heel.

I abandoned my daughter and now you're going to shun me, huh?

Well, let's put it this way:

I'd rather be on a desert island with him.

Don't you wish.

Now, wait a minute... Now, wait a minute.

Listen, Miss, uh, Elaine Nardo, you know, things aren't always as pat as they seem.

Divorced mothers taking care of their children against incredible odds, while the men are free to stay out all night, join a gym, and take advantage of girls named Debbie.

Now, look... my wife, for example.

She married this gentleman from South America.

Moved there with the kid, and told me that if I really loved my daughter, I wouldn't contact her because it would cause too much confusion.

She told me that if I really wanted to be a good father, I would allow this gentleman... from South America... to adopt her.

Show you what a... how smart I was, I bought it.

I'm sorry about what I said before.

You're not a heel.

You're a jerk.

I accept your apology.

A giant jerk.

Listen, no matter what you agreed to before, it shouldn't stop you from picking up that phone right now and calling your daughter.

Leave the man alone.

If he doesn't give a damn about his kid that's his business.

Hey, now, wait a minute! Wait a minute!

All right, I'll call her!

I'll call her tomorrow when the line isn't so long.

You are going to feel so much better, I promise you.

I feel like we're getting married at Annapolis.

Yes, operator, Rio De Janeiro.

Yes, I can hold.

I have no idea what I'm going to say to this kid.

LOUIE: Latka! Where you going?!

Latka, I don't want you hanging around the drivers.

I need you on the third level to fix the cabs.

( Speaking native language )

That's telling him, Latka.

Latka, no, this is a very important phone call.

It's a very bad time for English lessons right now.

Please.

All right, all right. While I'm waiting.

What is it?

Eh... Lesson 12.

Mm.

( Haltingly: ) Thank you, chambermaid, for your excellent service.

I am glad I don't require medical assistance.

Yeah, listen, that, uh, that's... that's very good, that's very good but those phrases all have "chambermaid" every other word.

Why don't you take a look at the phrases I wrote in the back of the book?

Here, look: "Get off my back."

"Give me a minute while I go to the can."

Study those.

Yes, operator, I'm here.

"Get off my back."

Uh, Latka... later.

Yes, uh, is Mrs., um...

Oh, what the hell's her name now...

Consuelos there?

Consuelos?

Phyllis Bornstein Consuelos?

Yes, thank you.

( Speaking native language )

Yeah, sure.

Bed?

No bed.

No bed?

Thank you very much.

Hello. Hello, Phyllis.

Hello, Phyllis.

Uh...

I'm not sure I know what to say to you.

Oh, yeah, that would be a good place to start.

Alex Rieger.

Yeah.

Uh... good.

Uh, listen, Phyllis, I was just thinking about Kathy, uh...

Can I speak to her?

Oh.

When did she leave?

Why Portugal?

Well, that's no answer.

Why is she going to college in Portugal?

What's her major, sardines?

Hey, wait a minute!

That means she'll be coming through New York.

Oh, Miami?

Well, listen, uh... if you speak to her, tell her I'm... sorry I missed her.

Wait a minute.

What time will she get into Miami?

If I want to meet her in Miami, I'll meet her in Miami.

Well, what time tomorrow?

Okay.

Well, I don't know.

I'll think about it.

I might!

Okay, what?

Flight 936.

Thank you.

Phyllis, just hold on a second.

Phyllis, did you ever sort of think about us and... me neither.

Yeah, okay, right.

So long. Good-bye.

Louie?

Yeah?

I need a cab for the weekend.

I'm going to Miami.

No!

Aw, come on, Louie.

I'm very tight on time. I got to leave now.

No!

Let's take it.

Hold everything!

Okay, I got to get tough with you guys.

We don't let cabs out no more.

Oh, come on, Louie, it's very important.

What about 1621? Nobody wants 1621! No!

Hey, hey, hey, can I go along? Yeah, sure.

I don't have anything else to do.

I'll have it back for you by the end of the weekend.

Alex, I run this garage, and no one takes my cabs for joyrides.

All right.

Come on, let's take it.

Give me a minute while I go to the can.

( Grunts )

Thank you very much.

ALEX: Wouldn't it be weird, after all this trouble, if we got there too late?

TONY: Don't worry about it.

We'll make it.

I once had to be in Miami in a hurry for a fight.

I drove it in 23 hours all by myself.

Wow, what a drive.

I swallowed a whole handful of uppers.

You know, when the guy knocked me out, I couldn't close my eyes.

Could I have your ticket and passport please?

No, no. I'm not going anywhere.

I'm looking for someone.

She's supposed to be leaving from this gate...

Kathy Consuelos.

She's here.

Oh, my God!

Would you like me to page her for you?

No, no, no. If there's anything to genetics I should be able to figure out which one she is.

JOHN: Well, Alex, good luck.

Okay. Wait over there.

Don't worry, we're not going to leave you.

WOMAN ( over P.A. ): National Airlines flight 409 to San Francisco now departing from gate 28.

Hmm?

Kathy Consuelos?

Yes?

Son of a... I beg your pardon?

Oh, excuse me.

I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I, uh...

I'm... I'm sort of your father.

You're Mr. Rieger?

Yes, right.

Rieger. Right. Yes.

( Excited gasp )

Well... Well...

I've been wondering about you.

Yeah, same here.

There's... so much time to cover.

( Stammering )

15 years...

( over P.A. ): Iberia flight 936 for Lisbon, now boarding and will depart in five minutes.

That gives us less than 30 seconds for each year.

We may have to skip the '60s.

Listen, would you like to sit down?

Please.

You know, I was always wondering what you looked like.

Well, I'm much better-looking than this.

You are very pretty.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hey, we're getting along great.

How did you know I was gonna be here?

Oh, fathers know these things.

Do you know anything about me?

I mean, uh... what have you heard?

Just that you're living up on a ranch in Montana and you're thinking of running for United States Senate.

Oh...

Well, I got some bad news for you.

I lost the senate race.

No, I think your mother is trying to make me into much more of an exciting guy than I am, but the real story is almost as good.

I'm a New York cab driver.

Well, why wouldn't she want to tell me about that?

Well, I guess she didn't want to impress you.

You know, there's so much I want to ask you and I'm very aware of our time limit here.

Yeah, yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking.

Well, like father, like daughter.

Hey, what's wrong?

You really want to know?

Yeah, sure, Kath.

What is it?

You're not going to like it.

Okay. Go ahead.

Well, it's just that you keep on saying "father."

You're not my father.

Well, I am sorry. You're not my father.

My father is a man that has raised me for as long as I can remember.

Hey, come on.

That's not exactly true.

Sure, it is. Exactly true.

Wait a minute.

I... I... I raised you for two years.

I mean that's not long but at least I got two years.

You must remember some of that time.

You mean you remember something from 15 years ago?

Yes, of course.

Like what?

Well, um... like the fact that when you were born, the doctor had to turn you so you could get out the right way.

Life started right there.

Like the fact that you used to look annoyed at me when I gave you a 2:00 a.m. feeding and I couldn't figure out why it was you who was annoyed.

You hardly crawled.

You went right to walking.

You used to sneeze like a cat.

( High-pitched sneezing )

I even remember your favorite food: strained peas.

Yeah, you used to send it back if you got chopped peas.

I remember your favorite joke:

Got your nose.

Which is no longer your favorite joke.

Listen, Kathy... you can rap me for a lot: copping out... telling myself that I was letting you out of my life for your good, when the truth is I was looking for the easy way out myself.

So, please, don't tell me that I don't remember the experience of having a daughter for two years.

I mean, please, don't tell me that, because I really do.

( Voice breaking ): I remember.

( Over P.A. ): Iberia flight 936 for Lisbon final boarding at gate 10.

Hey, listen, uh... when you wear your bag over your shoulder always wear it with the clasp on the inside.

It's safer that way.

All right.

And don't trust guys who wear scarves over here.

Don't trust guys who go too far down with the buttons on their shirt.

And don't trust guys who wear too much religious stuff around their neck.

I mean, uh, don't trust guys.

Hey, uh...

Hey, listen, in case you want to write, uh..

Here.

Uh, here's something with my address on it.

Oh.

But it's your driver's license.

Oh.

Aw, go ahead.

That way you can have a picture of me, too.

Well, listen, so long.

I mean, it was nice talking to you.

Same here.

( laughs )

I think I have your smile.

Yeah? That's funny.

I just got it two seconds ago.

Well... Listen, you better go.

Hey, Alex, your daughter... she's beautiful.

Yeah, well, thank you.

( Crying )

( All groaning )

Well, it was sweet while it lasted.

Hey, everybody.

Guess what?

I got my hack license.

( laughs )

Oh, boy.

You miss Rona Barrett one morning, you lose touch.

Bobby...

I didn't expect to see you here.

I thought you got that job on Equus.

No, uh... they went another way.

Nah, it's cool, you know?

No, really... it's cool.

It's cool.

Oh, thanks.

Okay, we got a lot of cabs here.

Rieger, 214.

Banta, 8367.

Nardo, 1532.

Wheeler, 999.

Not 999!

Hey, Gravas!

Fix the horn on 816.

Hey, Burns...

Bring your license here.

All right.

( Theme music playing )


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )