Taxi S1E10 Script

Men Are Such Beasts (1978)

( Theme music playing )


Hi, Tony.

Hi, Latka.

How you doing?

Oh... ( speaking native language )

Well, I got a little problem.

Oh... ( speaking native language )

Well, there's this girl...

( speaking native language )

Well, I met her a couple of weeks ago.

She's a cab driver, too.

Works out of the Bronx.

We were both in the line at Kennedy and we got to talking and we went for breakfast...

( speaking native language )

Right... one thing led to another.

So, I've been seeing her for a couple of weeks and I'm not so sure I want to go on seeing her.

( Asks question )

Can I just tell her?

I mean, I think she likes me.

I don't want to hurt the girl.

( Speaking native language )

You're right, the longer I wait the tougher it's going to get, but...

You're right. I just got to take care of it today.

( Speaking native language )

I will, Latka, I will, all right.

Hey, Latka, tell me something.

How come I never understand a single word you say, yet I always know what you're talking about?

Oh...

( speaking native language )

Uh... uh...

( speaking native language )

Yeah, that must be it.

Hey, Alex.

Louie, I just had an accident in 723.

What? Are you okay, man?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

One thing at a time.

Where's the cab?

It's upstairs.

Latka, go on up and check out the damage.

I want a complete report.

Was anybody hurt?

No, no. It's no big deal.

I just dented my fender and knocked in the side of a parked car.

It shouldn't be more than $700-800.

A parked car?

Yeah.

Alex Rieger, 180,000 miles without an accident, voted "New York Cabbie of the Month" August 1977, just rams into a parked car?

Louie, I just couldn't help it!

I was going down 72nd street and as I was approaching Third Avenue, this dog runs out in front of my cab.

Either I hit the dog or swerve and hit this Cordoba that was parked there.

Wait a minute.

You mean, you had a choice of running over some mutt and ramming into a Cordoba?

A Chrysler Cordoba with Corinthian leather?

And you chose...

You made a conscious choice to hit the Cordoba?

Where are your values, Rieger?

Hey, Louie, why don't you just lay off him, all right?

Yeah, he feels bad enough.

( Growls )

Were there any witnesses?

No.

What about the owner of the parked car?

He wasn't there. I left a note on his windshield.

Ooh, you left a note on his windshield.

Yeah.

Oh, good thinking, Rieger.

Otherwise, he might not know where to reach us and we couldn't pay for the damages.

Smart, smart.

Louie, you have to leave a note.

It's the law.

Well, sure it's the law.

It's also the law you can't spit in public.

You have such an elegant way of making a point, you know that?

Come on, let's get breakfast.

$700 damage just to avoid hitting a dog.

I mean, if you'd have swerved to avoid hitting an old lady, I could understand.

I'm not saying I'd agree, but I could understand.

But a dog.

( Growls )

You know, that was my first accident in almost six years of driving a cab.

Well, look at it this way... You're not a virgin anymore.

Yeah, I lost my bumper.

Hey, Tony, over here.

Hi, Tony.

Hi, Tony.

Hey, I can only sit down for a minute.

I'm meeting Denise here for breakfast.

JOHN: Hey, you want some coffee?

Yeah, please.

Hey, Bobby, maybe you can help me.

I got to tell Denise I don't want to see her anymore.

I don't know how to do it without hurting her.

Ooh...

That kind of thing's never easy to do.

I tell you what. This is what you do.

You put all the blame on yourself, right?

You tell her that you're not worthy of her, you know, that she can do better.

Nah, she'd never buy that.

I've been trying to figure out a way to do this all week.

Anybody got any suggestions?

Hey, Elaine, what do guys usually do when they want to get rid of you?

Thanks a lot.

You know what I mean, Elaine.

Tony, just be honest.

Just tell her how you feel and then take your lumps.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Hey, Alex, you ever have to break up with a woman you were close to?

Oh, what am I saying. He was married.

I mean, do you remember what you said to your wife to break up with her?

Yeah, I remember what I said.

I said, "Why is that man wearing my pajamas?"

DENISE: Tony?

Hi, Denise.

Hi, baby.

Let's sit over there.

Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?

There doesn't seem to be much point.

Okay.

Denise, this is Elaine, Alex, Bobby and John.

Hi, how are you?

Well, we were just leaving.

Have a nice breakfast.

It was nice knowing you.

You want some?

No, thanks.

Sure?

Help you stay awake, take a few pounds off or do the 100 in 9.7.

You know I don't do that kind of junk.

So how you doing, honey?

I'm okay.

Denise, I got something to say.

I wish there was a... a smarter way to lead up to this.

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

Well...

There might have been some smarter ways of leading up to that, Tony.

I mean, some guys would have tried to soften me up with a lot of flattery.

Or they might have made up some long, involved story.

Not you.

You just came right out with it.

I can't say you weren't straight with me.

I guess that's what I've always liked about you.

Thanks.

That's also why I'm never gonna let you go.

( Latka singing in native language )

♪ ...taxi, honey... ♪

( Continues singing in native language )

Hey, Rieger.

You got to help me so I can fill out this property damage report.

Oh, not the box again, Louie.

Come on over here.

What's he doing?

They're going to reenact the accident.

It's company policy... it's fun.

Hold the box here.

Okay Latka watch?

Here, sit down.

All right.

Now, here's 72nd Street where it intersects with Third Avenue.

That's right.

Now, we got a stoplight here.

Right.

All right.

Okay, what color was the light?

The light was green.

( Stoplight dings )

All right.

It's green.

All right.

Now, you were traveling west on 72nd street?

Right.

Now, were there people in the streets?

Yeah, there were a few, it was early in the morning.

Now, where'd the dog come from?

About over here.

All right.

I don't have a dog.

What's that over there?

It's not a dog.

It's a gun, it's a gun.

Here, here.

No cockroaches, Latka.

Get that cockroach out of there.

Sorry to bother you.

All right, I got a baby.

We'll use the baby for the dog.

Okay.

I'm traveling in this direction at about 30 miles an hour.

I notice the light is green, so I start to speed up so I can make it and just then, all of a sudden, this dog runs out in the middle of the road, so I swerve to my right and I hit this parked car right here.

My right fender hits the door on the driver's side.

I carom off and I come to a stop about there.

And the dog runs off, I don't know, somewhere.

And that was it.

Phew!

Thank you very much.

Hey, Tony.

Hi, everybody.

BOBBY: How'd it go with Denise this morning?

JOHN: Yeah, how'd it go?

Well, it didn't go exactly like I thought it would.

Well, you told her you wanted to break up with her, didn't you?

Yeah, I told her. Just like you said...

Straight and honest.

But she said she wasn't going to let me go.

What does that mean? She wasn't going to let you go?

She didn't believe me.

She kept telling me we were really good for each other.

And that whatever I was feeling now, I'd get over.

I kept telling her, "I'm not going to get over it."

But I couldn't convince her.

She kept asking me to come back to her room with her.

Oh. But you didn't go, did you?

Yeah, I mean, it was the toughest scene I've ever been through.

Right there in the restaurant, she started kissing me on the neck, stuff like that... Nibbling on my fingers.

It wasn't easy to say no.

Did you ever see The Wizard of Oz?

Yeah.

What's that got to do with it?

Well, remember the Wicked Witch of the West?

The one with the green face and the big nose and that ugly wart on her chin?

Yeah.

Well, I just closed my eyes and tried to pretend it was her doing all that stuff to me.

Pretended it was that ugly witch sucking my fingers.

I pretended it was that ugly witch blowing in my ear.

And I pretended it was that ugly witch with her hand on my knee.

And then... And then what?

I got to thinking... who cares how ugly the witch is?

Tony, you mean you went with her?

No, Elaine, I didn't.

I realized, you know, if I did, I'd never end this relationship.

From somewhere, I don't know where, but I got the strength to say no.

What did Denise do?

Well, I really must have surprised her.

She didn't think I had it in me either.

She just got up and left the restaurant.

I guess she finally realized that when I said it was over, I meant it was over.

Hey, Tony, you did real good, man.

Yeah, I'll say.

It was the only way.

TONY: And I'll tell you something, it wasn't easy.

All right, all right, we got a lot of cabs here.

Hey, Nardo, you got 708.

Wheeler, 204.

All right.

Rieger, 509.

Burns, 311, Burns.

Banta, 682.

All right.

Hey, Latka, get 246 ready.

I'm giving it to the new driver.

What new driver?

That one.

Hi, Tony.

Geela, you got 916.

Rutherford, you got...

Here you go, Louie.

You booked $19 today?

A one and a nine?

Louie, leave me alone, man.

I got enough problems.

Listen, Banta, I can make life really rough for you if I wanted to, but you're Italian and I'm Italian.

So I'm going to tell you just like I'd tell my own brother...

You better smarten up, meatball.

Hi, honey.

Yeah, hi.

Here you go, Louie.

$217?

Hey, you losers hear this?

This sweet young bimbo just booked $217.

A new Sunshine Cab company record.

Congratulations, Denise.

I'd shake your hand, but I'm afraid I'd get you hot.

Thanks, Louie.

What's that you're taking?

Just a couple of bennies and a black beauty.

What?

You know, uppers.

What are you doing?

I know about those things.

They can be hell on you.

They can ruin your health, destroy your body.

Why are you taking them?

It's how I can work 18 hours straight and book so much.

You got enough I can give the other guys?

ELAINE: I'll take three.

BOBBY: All right.

And then I'll take three.

Three.

I'll take three.

I got one.

ELAINE: Okay, I open a quarter.

I raise you a quarter.

I raise you 50 cents.

All right by me, I see you.

I see you.

I see you.

I see you.

Come on, Denise, give me a break.

That's lousy, the way she keeps bugging him.

JOHN: Okay, my deal.

LOUIE: Hey, Rieger.

What?

Move it, the boss is upstairs waiting for you.

He wants to talk to you about the accident.

Yeah, I figured he would.

Anybody got an aspirin?

I got a miserable headache.

Baby aspirin.

Yeah, take one of these.

That doesn't look like aspirin.

Well, it works just the same.

I take them all the time when I get a headache.

You better take another one.

Thanks... okay.

How's your headache?

Hey, I just took the pills two seconds ago.

You can't expect...

What headache?

What kind of pills are those?

They're called black beauties.

Oh, great, I'll have to remember that when I go to the drugstore.

Hey, wait a minute, that's amphetamines, isn't it?

Yeah.

I read about those.

Those are poison. You can kill somebody.

You just gave me two of those?

Alex, the boss is waiting.

Yeah, Louie, I'm going.

You know, I never took anything like that before.

Oh, I thought it would really be strong, but I don't feel anything.

I guess I must have a pretty tough system.

I thought it would really hit me, but I don't seem to feel anything.

I don't feel any different then I ever felt.

I seem to keep talking, you know?

But I've talked before and even if I am talking more now than I usually do, I could stop anytime I want.

There, I just stopped.

I just stopped again.

Hi, Tony.

Hi, Bobby! Hi, Elaine! Hi, John! Hi, Louie!

You got my cab?

You just came in.

You're going up to see the boss.

Right... bye, Louie.

Bye, John! Bye, Elaine! Bye, Bobby! Bye, Tony!

♪ Bye-bye, love, bye-bye, happiness ♪

♪ Hello, loneliness ♪

♪ I think I'm going to die. ♪

Denise, why you giving him that stuff?

Bad enough you got to take it.

You got to make everybody crazy?

Is that what it is?

Is that what's wrong between us, Tony?

You don't like me taking pills?

Why didn't you say so?

Man, I'll never take another pill as long as I live.

There.

Hey, what are you guys, crazy?

Denise, it ain't just the pills.

It's us.

You and me.

Got to end.

It will never end, Tony.

Okay.

Hey, Louie, you got to fire Denise.

What are you, crazy?

My best booker?

Fire her?

I want to breed her.

Hey, Louie, either you fire Denise or I quit.

Now, let me think about that.

I thought about it.

It was nice working with you.

Hey, wait a minute, Louie.

You know that chick only took this job so she could bug Tony, man. I mean this whole thing stinks.

I ain't been happy coming to work since she's been here.

Now, if you keep her and let him go, I'm going to quit, too.

That I don't even have to think about.

Bye-bye, Bobby.

And you can say good-bye to me, too, Louie.

JOHN: Yeah, and me, too.

( Speaking native language )

Yeah.

So if you let Tony go the four of us quit.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Why you quitting?

( Speaking native language )

Sounds good enough for me.

If they quit, we quit, too.

ALL: Yeah.

( All chanting in Latka's native language )

Get back, get back, all of you!

Get back!

Now, listen to me and listen to me good.

I'm drawing a line here.

Now, you see that line? You see it?

Look at it, look at it.

Because if just one of youse steps one foot across that line, I'll have to fire her.

I'm going to fire her.

Hey, you pill popper, you're fired.

Get out of here.

( All cheer )

All right.

All right, Tony.

Maybe I can't work with you...

But you have to go home sometimes... and when you do, you're going to find me there.

And if you go out to eat, you're going to find me there, too.

And if you go to the movies or you go bowling, just look around, because, baby, I'm not giving you up.

Hey, Elaine, what am I going to do?

I can't handle this.

Tony, if you want to get rid of her, you're gonna have to be mean.

You're going to have to hurt her.

I don't know if I can.

I was raised by my mother and three older sisters.

I was always taught to respect women.

Well, she doesn't give a damn about what she's putting you through.

Tony, come on.

Just get as tough as she is.

I mean, you got to stop worrying about her feelings and you got to start taking care of yourself.

You're right.

Yeah.

Denise, could I have a word with you?

Sure.

Tony, I know what it is.

You want to apologize and that's...

I don't want to apologize, Denise.

You don't?

No, I don't.

Tony, listen, I understand.

Shut up!

Just shut up and listen.

You ain't seeing me anymore and I ain't seeing you anymore.

We ain't seeing each other anymore.

Psychologists, they got a term for people like you.

What is it? Uh...

Oh, yeah... you got a screw loose.

You ever come around here again, I'm going to hand you your head.

I'm sick and tired of your face.

Now, why don't you just take a walk?

Why don't you get out?

You heard me, out!

I love you when you're like this.

Listen, Denise.

Tony doesn't want to tell you the real reason why he can't see you anymore, because he's afraid the truth is going to hurt you real bad.

The truth?

Yeah, the truth that he's in love with someone else.

Who?

Him.

What?

Louie, you're a homosexual?

( Growling )

I prefer to think of it as an alternative lifestyle.

Did you really think that I'd believe this?

I guess you really do want to get rid of me.

I never thought you'd stoop so low as to make up a lie like this.

Hey, Denise, you think I'm stooping low now?

To get rid of you, I'd marry him.

You make me sick.

Good-bye.

Elaine.

It worked.

Hey, Louie, we did it, Louie.

What do you mean, stoop so low?

Boy, you know that Mackenzie is one great boss.

I mean, I really thought he was going to blast me, but he hardly said two words to me the whole time.

I was the one who did all the talking.

I just explained the accident to him, reminded him of my good driving record, told him why Pittsburgh was going to win the Super Bowl and how I'd like to see that situation in the Middle East cleared up, and he just sat there the whole time with his mouth open.

So how's everybody here?

Am I talking too loud? No, I don't think I am.

Hey, listen, you know Pittsburgh is gonna win.

That defense is just too strong.

Look at that backfield... Harris, Blier, Blier's the most underrated halfback in the NFL.

Nobody blocks Blier. He runs, he blocks.

He's got a pair of great hands.

Talking about hands, what about Swann?

You can't stop him.

When Bradshaw's off, Swann gets the ball.

And look at that defensive line.

Do you realize that they've only allowed an average of three yards per carry.

And what about those linebackers?

You can't get through them.

You couldn't drive a truck through them.

I mean, you can't get there.

Boy, am I going to be sick tomorrow.

( Theme music playing )


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )