Taxi S1E13 Script

A Full House for Christmas (1978)

Louie.

Huh?

Louie.

Listen, I have a bad cavity in my tooth.

So is it okay if I leave early and go to the dentist?

The dentist. Yeah.

That reminds me of a story I heard yesterday.

Yeah?

This guy goes into the dentist's office and he says to the nurse, he says, "Nurse, me and my wife"

"are having very bad sexual problems.

So could I please make an appointment?"

So the nurse says, "Oh, sir, you don't need a dentist.

You need a psychologist."

And he said, "No, no, nurse, I need a dentist.

With my wife, it's like pulling teeth."

So that means it's all right to go to the dentist?

No, no, no way.

Okay, now get back to work, Latka.

TONY: Hey, fellas.

ELAINE: Hi, Tony.

Did you have a good weekend?

Nah, I went on a blind date, and I hate blind dates.

So what did you go on one for?

Sort of a favor to Bobby.

See, he had this really terrific date with this really terrific girl, and she had a cousin who she didn't want to leave home so I had to go along.

Well, what do you mean you had to go along?

Well, you know, Bobby's sort of my best friend.

I couldn't let him down.

Well, why not? I mean, just 'cause he's your best friend doesn't mean you have to do everything he wants you to do.

Of course, it does.

That's exactly what it means.

When I was a kid, I had this best friend, Bob McDaniel.

Whenever either one of us needed anything, the other would come a-running, no matter what.

We even had a special call we made up.

I still remember it.

Yak-yak-yak-a-bye.

Yak-a-bye.

Yak-a-bye.

Nobody panic.

Where is the yakabye?

No.

No, Latka. No Yakabye.

Oh, it's a false alarm?

Uh-huh.

It's okay, no Yakabye.

Hi, Latka.

Hello.

Oh, too bad... You miss Yakabye drill.

Shucks.

Hey, so you really had a good time on your date?

Oh, Alex, Dominique is one terrific lady.

Yeah?

I haven't felt this way about a girl in a long time.

Oh, that's terrific.

Hey, how about you, Tony? How was your date?

I don't want to talk about it.

Hey, what are you talking about?

I thought you two had a lot in common.

Why? 'Cause she wanted to be a boxer?

I never want to see her again especially in the ring... I wouldn't have a chance.

Hey, Banta, telephone.

Hey, you guys want to come over to my house Sunday and watch the big game?

Hey, hey, that's an idea.

Oh, I'd love to, but I'm taking the kids to the movies.

Oh, Suzanne and I have plans too.

Hey, Latka, you want to watch the football game in my apartment?

Okay, thank you.

It's better than watching it on television.

I'll explain it to him later.

Hey, guess what, guys!

I'm fighting tomorrow, out of town.

Where you fighting?

I'm fighting in Scranton.

I'm fighting the state champ.

Hey, Pennsylvania's supposed to be a really tough boxing state, isn't it?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm fighting the state champ of New hampshire.

Do they have a lot of middleweights in New Hampshire?

Three. The guy I'm fighting just took the title away from his father.

You're not just fighting a champ...

You're fighting a whole dynasty.

Yeah, that's right.

Hey, I got to go to the gym, pick up my stuff cancel the paper.

Hey, Bobby, will you feed my fish?

Uh, Tony, I...

I'll bring them to your place.

Don't worry, man!

A pinch of food every morning.

Yeah, but Tony, I don't know anything about fish.

There's nothing to it, man. Ten seconds a day.

Why don't you ask somebody else to do it all right?

I'm asking you.

I do a lot of stuff for you.

Can't you do one little thing for me?

All right, give me your fish.

You're going to love them.

Now listen, make sure you feed them every day because me and my fish go back a long way.

I mean almost four years.

I bought them with the purse from my first big win... $3.00.

Wow.

I got to go. See ya.

Get 'em, Tony!

So long, Tony.

Tony!

Oh... Oh, my.

Oh, me, oh, my.

Oh, I don't know what to do.

Oh, it's so bad.

Wait, wait. Does that hurt that bad?

Yes.

This is bad?

Ow!

All right, all right, go to the...

You better go to the dentist.

Oh, thank you very much.

You know, Louie, you know, sometime people talk about you.

They say bad things about you.

They say that you are cheap and mean and cruel and nasty.

( Doorbell ringing )

ALEX: Hey, Bobby, you in there? Bobby?

He's not in there.

Wait a minute, he usually leaves the key out here somewhere.

Ah, ah, there it is.

I guess he must have gone out for a while.

Hey, Latka, why don't you put the game on, and I'll stick this in the fridge.

Okay.

I hope he went out to shop.

There's only a loaf of old bread in here.

We could have beer and toast.

No, thank you.

I'm trying to watch my babas.

Hey, there he is.

Come on, Bobby, you're going to miss the kickoff.

Hey, you just getting in?

Yeah.

You devil.

No, it really wasn't like that.

Dominique and I spent the whole night talking.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she told me her life story, man.

What a great girl!

You know, she turned down Warren Beatty.

Imagine that.

Me and Warren being turned down by the same girl.

Hey, you guys want some toast?

ALEX: Hey, come on, Bobby you're going to miss a great game.

You like football, Latka?

Well, you know, this football is very confusing.

What's confusing?

Well, you see, because this team here is called the Giants, but they are not bigger than the other team.

And also, this team is called the Redskins, but they are almost all black.

( Phone ringing )

Hello?

Yeah... hey, it's Tony.

Hey, wow, how you doing?

Hey, let me talk.

Here's Alex.

Hey, Tony, how you doing?

Yeah, how's Scranton?

Oh, you took your camera, that's great.

Yeah, what?

Really? And they're staying at your hotel?

Who? Who?

The Platters.

Hey, Tony, are those the original Platters?

Oh, just one cousin?

Yeah, okay...

Hey, listen, Tony... Drop that guy, you hear me?

Drop him!

Yeah, okay.

No, here's Bob.

So, champ, how you feeling?

Yeah, yeah, the fish are fine.

Yeah, the two of them.

Look, you just worry about the fight, okay?

All right, now, listen the three of us are really pulling for you, man.

Okay, the five of us are really pulling for you.

Okay, now you do good, all right?

All right, all right, come home a winner.

All right, bye-bye.

What a crazy guy.

Yeah. Hey, Bobby, you're missing a great game here.

I'll be there.

ALEX: Oh, look at that catch.

Hey, Bobby, come here.

You can see the replay.

You know, in my country, they don't have instant replay.

They just make them do it over again.

That Tony, it's the biggest fight of his career and he's worrying about two dumb fish.

Man, how can anybody care about these things?

Two little nothings.

Just floating around on their backs.

They do move their fins, you know, Bob?

Uh-uh, not these.

They're just lying there.

Bobby, did you feed those fish today?

How could I?

I was busy.

You know, I just got home.

Don't worry about it.

I'll feed them now.

I don't want to go over there.

Will you look at that?

They're not even hungry.

Come on, roll over and eat.

Come on!

Oh, my God!

What?

They're dead, Bobby. They're dead.

Well, I guess it was just their time, huh?

Their time?

Both of them, together?

I don't know, I don't know.

Maybe it was one of those murder-suicide things.

What's Bobby going to do?

I don't know.

He just said stall Tony until he gets here.

Those fish really meant a lot to Tony.

He's going to be heartbroken.

I love it.

Now, listen, Louie... this is a very sensitive situation.

When Tony comes in if I hear you say one word, like...

Bobby killed your fish.

That's right.

Hey, what's happening, guys?

Nothing.

Oh, hi, Tony.

Hey, how was the fight?

Oh, I lost.

It's all right, Elaine.

The guy told me I gave him a much better fight than his old man.

Hey, so, where's Bobby?

Huh, Bobby?

He's... uh... he called.

He's going to be a little late.

So, how was Scranton?

Man, was it cold.

Half the time I was frozen stiff.

Speaking of stiffs... So...

What have you got in the bag?

Oh, wait till you see.

It's a little castle.

Oh.

I bought it for my fish.

You know, I think they can swim in and out.

I thought I'd surprise them.

They're going to love it, Tony.

You see? It's got "Scranton" on it and everything.

You know I know it may seem a little weird to care about them the way I do, but I mean, to me, them fish are like symbols.

I mean, of, like, survival.

If them little fish can survive in this world than so can I.

You know what I mean?

I can't wait to see them again.

Hey, Alex, you saw them yesterday.

How did they look?

Peaceful.

Yeah, they're so easy-going.

Hey, I'm going to put this stuff away.

I'll be back.

Somebody has got to tell him soon, for my sake.

Boy, I'm really glad I'm not Bobby.

It's going to break the guy's heart.

This is great.

Is he here yet?

Where have you been?

I had to go to four stores before I could find two that matched exactly.

ELAINE: I just hope this works.

Hey, Bobby.

Yeah, it's Bobby.

Look at that.

Hey, Tony, how'd the fight go?

Oh, I lost.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey... They look great, huh?

Yeah.

Healthy, strong, happy, huh?

Oh, gee, thanks, Bobby.

Oh, forget it.

No, I mean it.

I really love these guys.

I hope they get along with my fish.

Hey, where are they?

Tony?

Yeah.

Uh, I-I-I-I got to tell you something.

What's that, Bob?

Um, your fish... uh, they didn't make it.

What?

Tony, I forgot to feed them yesterday and when I came home they were...

My fish?

Listen, I'd give anything if it didn't happen, man.

My fish are dead.

Look, I know it doesn't help much but I think they went in their sleep.

Where are they now?

Did you flush them?

I wouldn't do that, Tony.

No, man.

I saved them for you.

I got them right here.

You killed my fish.

Hey, Tony, listen... if you want to slug me... just not in the face.

I got an audition.

I don't want to slug you, Bobby.

I don't want to have nothing to do with you, friend.

Hey, Tony, what did you book?

He booked 90, fish killer.

Hey, buddy, you need a quarter? I got it.

Hey, Tone, I got these two tickets to the Islanders' game.

I know how you really...

Oh, he's really grieving.

I remember when our dog Bootsie died.

I was devastated for years.

How many?

So far... 12.

You know, Alex, this is really too much.

I mean, I know I made a mistake...

A big mistake.

I mean, I really feel lousy about what happened to Tony's fish.

I mean I hate myself when I do things like that...

Forgetting things, not coming through for people, but jeez, how many times do I have to apologize?

Now, if he doesn't want to be my friend, well, that's fine with me.

That's great, that's great. It's over. Who needs him?

You want me to talk to him?

Would you, please?

Yeah.

Listen, why don't you tell him to come over to my place and we'll sit down, have some beers, and spend the evening together and talk it out, okay?

Okay.

Oh, would you come with him?

Yeah.

Hey, Tony.

Hey, Al.

Listen, Bobby's really hurting.

He wants to patch it up.

What do you say?

I don't know, Alex.

I mean, he really let me down.

It's not just the fish.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

Well, look, he's really sorry for what he did.

I mean, what could it hurt?

You two sit down, talk it out...

Alex, I'm telling you...

He really let me down this time.

It ain't right.

I'm not going to let him get away with it.

Look, he just wants you to come over to his place and talk about it, that's all.

Oh, yeah?

Give me one good reason why I should.

Because I think the fish would want it that way.

I guess you're right.

Hey, we're a little early.

He's probably out buying food.

You know, this is a first for Bobby.

When he comes to my place, not only doesn't he bring stuff, he usually takes stuff home.

Like once, he took a lamp.

That one.

Hey, there's a couple of beers in here.

You want one?

Yeah.

I can't believe this guy.

He borrows stuff; he never gives it back.

There's my dumbbells, there's my football and that's my clock.

Well, he doesn't mean anything by it.

He's just forgetful. That's the way he is.

Yeah, but that's what I'm talking about.

I mean, you take Bobby...

He treats me creepy, he ignores me calls me stupid.

I mean, what do I like him for?

I mean, there are guys I don't even like that treat me better.

One guy I hate treats me almost as good.

I mean, what is it, Alex?

I don't Tony. I don't know what makes people friends.

Hey... Look.

He kept them two phonies he was trying to pass off as George and Wanda.

Poor little guys.

I wonder if they know their days are numbered.

It's a dog's life.

He makes me so mad I'd like to destroy something of his.

Something that he really cares about so he'd know how I feel.

His lucky shirt.

Hey, Tony, don't.

The one he wears to all his auditions.

Tony, you're going to regret this...

I'm ripping off a sleeve.

No, no, don't... don't... don't!

Hey, man, let me go!

I can't.

I knew you couldn't.

Gee, I just remembered... It's my shirt.

You know, even if it wasn't my shirt, man, I couldn't have done it anyway.

I mean, it's like you said...

A guy can do what he can do, and he can't do what he can't do, so if a guy doesn't do what he can't do, what are you going to do?

I said that?

( laughter )

( Clears throat )

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

What are we doing here?

You begged me to have Tony come over here so you two could sit down...

Oh, no.

Oh, no... was that tonight?

Oh, geez, Tony, I'm really sorry.

How can I do this?

I'll tell you how.

Because you are irresponsible, inconsiderate, undependable...

Maybe I should leave.

No, no, no, Dominique, listen...

Would you mind just waiting in the bedroom?

Open the door, down the hall... it's nice to see you again, Tony.

Yeah. How's your cousin?

She had any good fights lately?

No, not lately.

See you.

Where was I?

"Undependable."

Right!

Undependable, selfish, insensitive...

Hey, Alex? Huh?

Don't be so hard on him.

He don't mean it. He just forgets.

How can you defend him?

He killed your fish!

I murdered George and Wendy.

George and Wanda!

Wanda! The least you could do is get their names straight! Wanda!

Wanda... Wanda.

Don't be so hard on him.

People are what they are. You said it.

Yeah, and I'm damn mad and that's the way I am!

And not just at him because you're just as much to blame as he is.

I mean, it's not as if you didn't know how irresponsible he was.

But you put your fish in the hands of a man who can't even feed himself half the time!

Are you saying I had something to do with killing my own fish?

That's right!

Hey, that's a crummy remark, man.

I think you should take that back...

Take it back? Why?

It's true! What are you talking about?

I didn't kill my own fish.

You know him! Don't you?

How can you possibly put your fish in the...

( all arguing )

What do you want?!

Listen, it's me you're mad at, remember?

Yeah.

( Alex chuckles )

It's... it's... it's... ( Alex chuckling )

( All chuckling )

Wendy, Wanda.

Oh... I love you guys.

I can't believe this.

Hey, listen. Grab your coats.

I'm going to take you out for a steak dinner tonight.

Steak and Lowenbrau... Just like the commercial.

Wheeler... You're a genius.

Yeah.

And after dinner, I know this scalper.

He's going to get us three tickets to the Knicks' game.

Okay? Let's go.

Let's go.

Oh, my God.

Huh?

( Stammering )

Oh.

Oh.

I'm... just going to have to tell Dominique that I'm spending the evening with you guys.

Hey, listen, Bobby... No, no, no, Alex...

Alex, this is very important to me.

Now I said we're going out tonight and I'm sticking to it.

I got to stop letting people down like this.

From now on, when I say something I'm going to do it, and that's that!

Hey, Bobby, that's really great...

No, no, no, man...

I said we're going out and we're going.

And we're going to have a great time too.

Just give me a second.

Yeah, sure, go ahead.

( Sighs )

That was funny.

( Both chuckling )

Oh, boy.

( Whistling )

Hey!

( Whistles )

( Mumbling )


Hey, Alex, I got to do something.

No, no, Tony, don't!

There you go, guys.

Hey, can I have your attention, please, ladies and gentlemen?

I have a presentation to make.

For my best friend, Tony.

For me?

That's the most beautiful thing I ever saw.

He got my fish mounted.

( Theme music playing )


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )