Taxi S1E15 Script

Friends (1979)

( Theme music playing )


MAN: Taxi!

( Whistling )

Taxi!

Take this cab to Cuba.

Did you hear that?

I said Cuba, like... like a hijack.

God, life. I love it!

Don't you love it?

Don't you love life, driver?

No, we're just good friends.

Where to?

Well, where do you want to go now, Jill?

You want to go to a show?

You want to go out dancing?

754 West 23rd street.

Seven... that's where you live.

Yes, it is.

A-ha. You mean you want to go to... your place.

Desperately.

You heard her.

I heard her.

Oh, wasn't that a great restaurant?

Especially nice when you can share it with someone you like.

It must be.

You know, uh... there are those who claim oysters to be an aphrodisiac.

Let me out here.

It's not the address you gave me.

Yeah, I want to walk.

I need some air.

You can't get out here.

This is a terrible part of town.

He's right, you know. You can get killed in this neighborhood.

Well, in that case, let him out.

Did I say something to offend you tonight?

Everything after hello.

Please, Jill, the driver can hear us.

No, not a word.

I don't care if he can hear us.

I want him to hear us.

I want a witness to what this evening was like for me while it's still fresh in my memory.

He insisted on ordering the meal in French.

My main course was ten pats of butter.

If you were having such a lousy time, why didn't you say something earlier?

What did you think that I meant when I said two hours ago, "Please, for the love of God, take me home"?

I thought you were coming on to me.

Okay, here we are.

Thank goodness!

Uh... can I see you to the door?

No.

I guess this means you don't want to sleep with me.

Where to?

Who cares?

Hey, it's none of my business, but if you want my opinion, she was no great prize, you know.

With all the women in this city, you don't have to get hung up on her.

That's easy for you to say.

You're a cab driver.

You have women in your cab all day long.

I never meet anybody.

What do you do?

I'm a United States Congressman.

Say, uh, listen, I'll just check in, and then maybe we can go for a beer.

What do you say?

I'm in no hurry.

Okay.

Where's Louie?

Oh, hi.

Took his mom to the dentist.

In the middle of the night?

Yeah, he found this discount dentist only works nights.

Leave it to Louie, right?

Yeah. Very romantic.

Root canal by starlight.

Hey, listen. You want a cup of coffee?

It may be a while.

Oh, sure.

You know, I think you're the first congressman we've ever had in this garage.

I still don't think of myself as a congressman.

You see, Dad's a major contributor to the party, so, to thank him, they, uh, they ran me for Congress.

Yeah, and you won the election. That's great.

In a district my party's always won.

But you won.

The week before the election my opponent was convicted of murder.

But you did win.

We had to have a runoff.

Yeah, so now, you're in office.

I bet you're showing them, huh?

There's talk of a recall.

Ah, who cares about that?

You dress nice.

Look, you know, I really appreciate you trying to cheer me up like this.

( laughing )

Hey, hey.

How you doing, Alex?

Guys, I'd like you to meet Walter Griswold.

Walter is a United States Congressman.

How do you do?

Hey, I'm in your district.

I voted for you.

Oh, yeah? Why?

The other guy was up for murder.

Oh, yeah.

Congressman?

Yeah, Latka, this is a very important person in our government.

Oh.

No, no, Latka!

You don't have to give him money.

No, no, in America, they just like to shake hands.

Oh.

This is good country.

Nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you.

Thank you very much.

( Growling )

All right, guys.

Line up, animals.

Hey, Louie, how's your mom's teeth?

Oh, okay.

She had to have a little work done but this guy's prices are so reasonable I even sprung for Novocaine.

It's my own mother.

What the hell?

Hey, listen, Walter, I'll be right back, okay?

Okay.

Hey, so what are you doing in our garage, Your Honor?

Oh, well, I was out on a date, but the lady had to cut the evening short.

Said something about having to get up early and change her phone number.

Yeah, his date was a real sweetheart, if you know what I mean.

No, Alex, it wasn't her.

It was me.

The fact is, uh... I'm a loser with women.

Come on.

Women.

In my country, women work like ox.

They cook, they... have lots of babies, uh... they get old early.

They happy.

In America, the women, they have, uh... they have maids, they dress with nice clothes, they take bubble bath.

They happy.

What is your point?

Women happy people.

Hey, Walt, I didn't think a congressman would have any trouble getting chicks.

Oh, boy, this one does.

You see, all I ever wanted in life was a nice, sweet, average girl who couldn't keep her hands off of me.

Every time I go out, I make a fool out of myself.

It's getting so I can't get dates.

You know how embarrassing it is to go to the presidential inaugural ball stag?

I only hope people think I'm gay.

You know, Walter, I used to have trouble with women.

And then I found that the best way to handle them was to just be myself.

No, it wouldn't work for me.

Why not? You're cute.

Oh, yeah.

Walter, you know, there isn't a guy here who hasn't been rejected.

I mean, you're taking this too seriously.

A woman once said to me, "I never want to see you again as long as I live."

That's happened to everybody.

We hadn't been introduced.

He is wearing a nice suit, though, isn't he, fellas?

No, no, I might as well just give up.

Oh, Walter, baloney.

You know what your trouble is?

You try too hard.

You know, women sense your anxiety.

What you really need is some confidence.

I think a date with a very attractive but a very, uh... a very nice person would do you a lot of good, you know that?

And I have someone in mind.

Her.

Damn it, Louie, you little twerp Now, listen to me. I am not going to take that kind of garbage from you anymore, so you can just cram it!

Oh!

She's uch nicer than what I'm used to.

Elaine, I want to thank you for going out with me tonight.

Did I already thank you?

Yeah, you thanked me.

You thanked my children, you thanked my baby-sitter...

I believe you can't say "thank you" too often.

Well, yeah, that's true.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I guess you can say "thank you" too often.

Walter, just relax.

You saw me perspire, didn't you?

Excuse me?

I perspire.

Well, everyone perspires.

I perspire freely.

I'm talking buckets.

That's why I'll never be reelected.

Who's going to vote for a man who always looks like he just stepped out of a sauna?

So, what's it like living in Washington?

Oh, God, do I sweat in Washington.

It is so humid there, as if that would make any difference.

I'd probably sweat on the Matterhorn.

I shake hands with people, and they wipe their hands off.

They pretend to do something else so they won't hurt my feelings.

They, uh... they cross their arms.

They adjust their ties.

They wave hello at friends.

Could we talk about something else?

I'm talking about sweat again.

Why do I always talk sweat on dates?

It's because I'm always sweating on dates.

I was the only one who said no.

Oh, hey, Walter!

Nice to see you again.

Hi, Elaine.

Hi.

Hey, you guys come here all the time, right?

You got anything to recommend to make the dining experience a memorable one?

Yeah, they got a great air hockey game in the back room.

Hey, come on. They do.

I know. Uh, we'll see you later.

Would you care for another round?

Oh, no, I'm fine.

Uh, I'll have another.

He hates me.

Who?

The waiter.

I know when a man despises me and that man despises me.

He's going to spit in my food.

They do that.

Could we go back to sweating?

Well, well, well.

Look who's here.

Hi, Louie.

Hello, Nardo.

Is this your date for the evening?

You remember me, Congressman Walter Griswold.

Yeah.

What, they run out of towels in the men's room?

No, that's, uh, that's sweat.

I was telling Elaine, I sweat a lot.

Congratulations.

Well, uh, I don't want to destroy your magical tete-a-tete.

See you later.

He's a nice guy.

Oh, yeah, a prince.

Talk about a lame duck.

( laughing )

Hey, come on, Louie.

Walter's a nice guy.

He's a United States Congressman.

I don't care if he's the Duke of Cornwall.

In my book, the guy's a shlimazl.

What's a shlimazl?

Well, you see, there's schlemiels and shlimazls.

A schlemiel is a guy who goes to a formal dinner party and spills his soup.

A shlimazl's the guy he spills it on.

Hey, Louie, you know what's good about you?

What?

I was hoping you had an answer.

Have, uh, have you decided yet, Elaine?

Um... I'm not sure.

Walter, your menu's on fire.

Walter, uh...


I think I'll start with the chocolate cheesecake.

Boy, this guy.

He is a horse's yatabe.

I'm-I'm-I'm sorry, Elaine.

It's the same old story.

A girl goes out with me, I embarrass her.

It's no wonder they never want to see me again.

I never want to see me again.

I didn't say I didn't want to see you again.

Oh, yeah? You want to go out Saturday night?

Oh, no, Saturday, I made these...

See? See? What about Sunday?

No, I take the kids... Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

What about Monday?

Monday's a bad day.

Mm-hmm. Tuesday?

Well... it's fine.

What?

I'd love to.

You want to go out with me again?

Yes, Walter.

What's wrong with you?

Can you believe Elaine?

Getting mixed up with a loser like that?

She's gone out with him every night for the past two weeks.

Look, Why do we have to talk about Walter anymore?

We all have our good days and our bad days.

Then Walter's got some great days ahead.

What are you guys talking about?

Boxing. Work. School.

General stuff.

Must have been a hell of a conversation.

Well, Nardo... Has it happened yet?

What?

Has one of your kisses turned the toad into a prince?

Louie, you take that back.

Nardo, do you know what a shlimazl is?

I don't have to listen to this.

A sclimazl is a guy who comes home from work early and finds his wife in bed with his boss, then gets docked a day's pay for leaving the office.

( laughs )

And with a little more class, Walter would be a shlimazl.

( Cackling )

Louie, I am warning you.

Now watch it.

( laughing )

( Yells )

Listen, Nardo... if you ever grab me again in a non-erogenous zone, you're gone.

Ugh.

Alex, I need your advice.

ALL: Ooh!

What? Okay, look, unless it's about you and Walter, because I don't want to get in the middle of that.

It's about me and Walter.

All right. If you just want to talk and it's no big stuff...

It's gigantic stuff.

Well, I mean, if it doesn't get really intimate...

You can't get more intimate.

In that case, shoot.

Well... I guess everybody's really curious about why I'm seeing him so much.

Well, I'm not. I understand.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I mean, he's not the man of my dreams, but I like him.

I guess like him for the same reason I'm drawn to that scrawny little puppy in the pet store you know, that nobody else wants.

Well, whatever your reasons, I really got to hand it to you, Elaine, you know?

Dating you has really changed Walter.

He seems like he's got a lot more confidence in himself now.

You know that?

I know. You're right.

Oh, he is such a sweet guy.

You know how some guys treat your kids nice?

Yeah.

Well, Walter's not just treating them nice.

I mean, he really likes my kids.

Oh, yeah?

The other day my daughter came home upset because three of her best friends were going to see The Nutcracker without her.

The mother couldn't get an extra ticket and so she was the only one left out.

Well, I'm giving her this big lecture, telling her it's no big deal and you shouldn't be so upset about it, you know, but she wouldn't stop crying.

So I look over at Walter, and he's got tears in his eyes.

So then I got them both on my hands.

So, what'd you do?

I took them both to see The Nutcracker.

What's your problem?

I got to break up with him.

Oh, Elaine, no.

I know, Alex. I'm sorry, but I have no choice.

Walter's beginning to make certain suggestions.

Like what?

Like, "How about a roll in the hay?"

Walter's suggestions seem to run toward the blunt, don't they?

Yeah.

I mean, I like him, but there's just not that chemistry thing.

So what do you want me to say, I understand?

I understand.

What are you getting so sore about?

I'm not sore.

I mean, you want advice?

You want to break up with Walter, fine.

Just go on your own instincts, those same instincts that have gotten you this far...

Divorced, poor, working nights, holding two jobs.

Alex, will you calm down for a second?

Now listen to me.

This man is coming over tonight.

We're gonna be alone.

My kids are with my ex-husband.

I don't know if I can handle this.

Elaine, do you really expect me to tell you whether you should roll in the hay or not with Walter?

I guess you're right.

Oh, I got to do what I got to do.

I just know it's going to break his heart.

Oh. You're going to go to bed with him.

You're sure you don't want anything?

Maybe just a little... applause.

No, I haven't got time.

I'll just have a cup of coffee...

Babe.

Uh... Say, can we talk about... No, no.

I guess we shouldn't.

It's not a thing you talk about.

Walter, it's okay to talk about it.

I've never sweat so much in my entire life.

Elaine, be honest with me.

Did you let me stay last night because you wanted to, or because you felt sorry for me?

Or did I just catch up with the law of averages?

Walter, I let you stay because I care about you.

Isn't that reason enough?

Yeah.

Elaine, I had a little time to think before you woke up this morning... seven, eight hours...

I have a great idea.

Why don't you and I agree not to see anyone else.

Walter...

Okay, okay, I'll just agree not to see anyone else, but when can I see you again?

What do you mean?

Well, now that we've done this, I want to know when I can see you and for how long, and can you write this down for me?

Walter, listen to me.

This was just what I was afraid of.

I pushed too far, right?

Well... All right, all right.

Don't worry about that, don't worry about that.

We don't have to go steady or anything but I'd appreciate it if you'd meet my parents.

Walter... I can make a call now.

There are flights leaving all hours.

Walter, you want to fly your parents to New York because of what we did last night?

It's a shuttle.

It'll be great.

You'll bring the kids and we'll go and see The Nutcracker.

Walter!

I'm screwing up.

I'm screwing up.

Walter, now, stop.

Just listen to me.

It's too much.

You're scaring me.

You're trying to chart our entire relationship in one morning.

You're right.

You're absolutely right.

I tend to make too much of these things.

Oh, forgive me, Elaine.

It was a wonderful evening.

Maybe we'll see each other again.

Good-bye, Elaine.


Were you missing me at all, because I was dying out there.

You are such a lovely man.

Hey, I want our relationship to continue.

Can't we just leave it at that?

You're right. You're absolutely right.

We should just take it slow.

Take it as it comes.

Right.

Play it by ear.

How about every Thursday night for the next three months?

Is 8:00 okay?

See? I told you we'd make it.

Hey, listen, you've got 15 minutes before your plane takes off.

Good.

So, how'd it go with you and Elaine last night?

Fine.

Oh, that's good.

Yes, fine is very good.

You do anything out of the ordinary?

No. It was, I guess, an ordinary evening for most people.

Now listen, Alex.

I know you want to know what took place between Elaine and me, but there are some things a gentleman does not discuss.

Oh, I understand, Walter.

I'll probably see you next time I'm back in town.

Yeah, I'll see you, Walter.

Oh, and Walter... Yeah?

Congratulations.

Thanks.

( Theme music playing )


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )