Taxi S1E16 Script

Louie Sees the Light (1979)

( Theme music playing )

LOUIE: All right now, we got some cabs to get out here.

Ryan... 1620.

Arnie... 214.

Hey, cha-cha, get out of that cab.

Cavalucci... 916.

Wheeler... 1136.

Uh, skip Bobby.

He isn't in yet.

He isn't in yet?

A doctor isn't in yet.

A cabbie is late.

It's all right. He had a good excuse.

I'll accept "dead."

He had an important audition this afternoon for an acting job.

Hey, an audition.

That's great.

Well, not great.

He had it this afternoon. I figured he isn't in yet because he didn't get the part and he's feeling depressed.

Oh. The old shattered dreams bit, huh?

Well, if he thinks he's depressed now, wait till I get through with him.

ALEX: Hey, Bob.

Wheeler. You're late and I don't want to hear any lame excuses.

I don't want to hear about your other troubles.

I got a garage to run here.

Don't smile at me when I'm yelling at you.

What's the matter with you?

You on something?

Why ain't he looking miserable?

I got the job.

You what?

You got it?

I got the part.

They told me right there at the audition.

I'm gonna make two appearances on a soap opera called For Better For Worse.


That is terrific.

My man!



Being on a soap opera is not what I always dreamed of, but it's a start.

It's a chance to be seen.

I can still work on my craft.

I can still develop my technique.

And pick up a hell of a lot of bread.

Hey, when does this happen?

I mean, when do we get to see you?

I make my first appearance on Friday and then I'm on again Tuesday, and then, like, if things go real well I could maybe, well, you know... like, maybe it'll go on longer, you know?

You mean full-time?

Well, I don't know yet.

Let me tell you the plot line, okay?

I play this guy named Skip.

I was a boyfriend of the star's, right?

We had this argument four years ago and I left town mad, only then I got amnesia and wandered around in a fog somewhere the whole time, but now I'm recovered and I'm coming back home.

I just don't believe it.

This is so exciting.


Hey, Louie, the least you can do is congratulate the man.

You got cab 1136.


All right, come on, you clowns.

Let's get going here.

Let's get some meat behind the wheel.


I would like to wish you bad luck.

No. You mean good luck, Latka.

No, no. You see, in my country, it is bad luck to wish a person good luck.

So when we want to wish a person good luck, we say "bad luck."

Oh. That's an interesting custom.

Uh, what do you do when you want somebody to have bad luck?

We kick him in the yatabe.

ANNOUNCER: For Better For Worse will continue after this message.

What do you think so far?

You weren't in it.

It's not over yet.

You see, I'm on after this commercial.

What I meant was, what do you think of the way they've been talking about me throughout the whole show?

They're giving me a big buildup, right?

It's neat just hearing the name Skip and knowing it's you.

I never thought I'd see the day when my cabbies would be watching a TV show instead of out making big bucks.

I'm ashamed.

I can't help thinking of all the people out there waiting for taxis that ain't coming...

All the old people, and the sick, and the infirm, and the preggos.

Boy, you know, that Olivia, she's really a good actress.

In that last scene where she was supposed to be crying, those were real tears.

She cries in every scene.

She cries if she's happy, she cries if she's sad, she cries if she doesn't know if she's happy or sad.

Hey, she's going to cry again.

Turn up the sound.

WOMAN: Olivia, relax.

You're as nervous as a cat.

I haven't seen Skip in four years.

I thought I'd never see him again.

Wouldn't you be nervous?

There's so much I have to tell him.

You mean, about you and David?

Hey, you can't feel guilty.

You can't blame yourself for what's happened.

Skip's amnesia wasn't your fault.

OLIVIA: I know.

I just keep thinking if we hadn't fought, all this would never have happened.

But it did happen and a lot has changed in four years.

Skip can't expect you to have the same feelings for him.

I suppose not.


Unless what?


No, no. Go on.

You were going to say unless I do have the same feelings for him.

Well... do you?

( Sobbing: ) I don't know.

How can I tell until I've seen him again?

( Knock at door )

That's Skip now.

Come in.



Gee, what a heavy moment.

Yeah, that was very dramatic, you know?

So, uh, you liked it then, right?

Liked it?

Liked it?

We loved it.

Hey, how come they only let you say one word?

It makes it more dramatic that way.

This way everybody will tune back on Monday to see what happens.

What happens?

I don't know yet.

They actually don't get back to us until Tuesday.

I'm waiting for them to deliver the script now so I can find out myself.

Oh, wow. Thanks, John.

Hey, Bob, Bob.

If she's falling for you again, that means you get to do more than just two shows, right?

My agent says that if they develop a thing between her and me, I could get a season out of it.

Wouldn't that be great?

I could save my money and wait for a really good part.

Oh, come on script.

Hey, I don't want to burst your bubble... but you think Olivia is going to dump that David guy for you?

No way.

The girl is nuts about him.

She even forgave him for having an affair with her uncle.

Hey Louie, are you telling us that you watch this show regularly?

My mother watches it.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I'd make her turn it off only it's a half hour a day I don't have to talk to her.

Yap, yap, yap.

MAN: Bobby Wheeler?

Over here. Oh, boy, is that my script?

Yep. Oh, great.

Just initial.

I'm holding my future in my hands.

Well, come on...

You going to tell us what happens?

I already told you what's going to happen.

I don't believe it.

What? What? What? What?

Read what Olivia says there.

"Olivia, with tears in her eyes:

'I love Skip.'"

She says she loves me.

Look what it says over here.

"Olivia, sobbing incessantly:

"'I knew it the instant I saw him again...

He's the only man in the world I could ever love.'"

Hey, Bobby, you're in! You're in!

Hey, fantastic!

Let me see that.

TONY: That means you're going to do more shows?

A lot more.

I'm going to be a full-time actor.

That's the first time in my life I can say that.

I'm an actor.

You son of a gun, you did it.

I made it, Alex.

I made it out of the garage.

I hope your career goes in the toilet.

Thanks a lot, Latka, really.

See, in his country, they got this strange custom...

Don't explain.

Hey, Louie.

Hey, Lou.

( Chuckles )

Here. I want you to keep this as a remembrance of me.

It's my hack license.

Now you can show it to all your friends and tell them, "I knew him when."

You better hang on to it, Wheeler, 'cause you're going to need it when you come crawling back in here.

You got it all wrong, Louie.

When I walk out of those doors, I ain't never coming back.

Oh, you'll be back.

They all come back.

Only one guy ever made it out in the whole history of this garage and that was James Caan... and he'll be back.

You're a loser, Wheeler.

You always was, and you always will be.

Oh, yeah?


You'll be back, Wheeler... and when you come back, I'll be waiting.

Ooh, will I be waiting.

( Muted chuckle )

( Guitar playing the blues )

( Doorbell rings )

( On TV ): Wouldn't you be nervous?

There's so much...

What are you guys doing here?

Why'd they have to come here.

You can't feel guilty.

You can't blame yourself.


Come on. It's freezing.

How you doing, John?

( For Better for Worse theme playing )

What are you guys doing here anyway?

Well, we were wondering why we didn't see you around the garage for a couple of weeks, and so we wondered how you were.

And where you were.

We figure you've been busy with the show.


Watching the show I see, huh?

Hey, Bobby, if this is a bad time, we can leave and come back later.

Or not come back again.

Listen, we realize things change.

I mean, we realize that your life is very different now and maybe there's not enough room in it for a bunch of cabbies like us.

Is that why you guys came over here?

'Cause you thought I didn't want to hang around anymore?

Well, we didn't really think that.

Oh, yeah, you did.

I didn't return your phone calls, so you thought I got stuck up or something, right?

Why didn't you return our calls?

'Cause I didn't feel like it.

Oh, well, that clears that up, doesn't it?

I didn't feel like it because I was too depressed.

Depressed? About what?

OLIVIA: Julia, you're the first one I'm telling.

Skip and I... Skip and I are going to be married.

Hey, married... congratulations!

Shh! Shh!

Olivia, I'm so happy for you.

I know it's what you want.

( Phone rings )


Yes, this is she.


Oh, no! Oh my God, no!

Olivia, what is it?

It's Skip.

He's been rushed to the hospital.

He's had an accident.

Accident? When? How?

What happened?

When? How?

What happened?

( Sobbing: ) Oh, no.

Olivia... don't cry.

I can't help it.

I want... to... Shhh, don't try to talk.

I have to.

I have to.

I have to.

I... I... love you.


It's going to be all right.

You'll see.

I'm... I'm just glad that... we had time...

Skip... Skip!

Oh, God... no!

He's dead.

Skip's dead.

No wonder you're depressed, Bobby.

Poor guy.

Yeah, it doesn't seem fair.

First amnesia and now this.

He's talking about Bobby.


Bobby's young.

Bobby's still got his health.

What chance has Skip got?

Oh, I'm really sorry, Bobby.

If it makes you feel any better, you really did a beautiful job.


I take it you saw this coming?

Yeah, they told me two weeks ago.

They said they liked my work and everything, but figured Olivia needed more tragedy in her life.

Right, she hadn't had a good cry in seconds.

So when's the funeral?


That's why I didn't call you guys.

I just wasn't up to it, you know?

So, any idea what you're going to do now?

What else?

I'm going to get a job. I have to.

So, fine, come back to the garage.

No way.

I walked out of there the conquering hero.

What am I going to look like if I come back now?

You'll look like the rest of us.

I just don't think, I can do it, Alex.

ALEX: Why not?

Oh, it's Louie, isn't it?


It sure is Louie.

If I come back there now, he is going to tear me apart in front of the whole garage.

So what, he's done that before.

Yeah, but this time he's got a right to.

Maybe I should just go back there and let him dance all over my face and get it over with.

Hey, look, maybe it won't be so bad as you think.

Look, I'll see you back in the garage, okay?

Hey, wait a minute. It's coming back on. Shh!

OLIVIA: Poor Skip.

I didn't even get a chance to tell him.

Tell him what?

I'm going to have his baby.

Way to go, Bobby.

Hey, Louie, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, Alex.

What's on your mind?

Well, you know Bobby's run into some rotten luck.

I know. I saw the show.

Har, har, har.

Louie, Louie, look, you know, acting is Bobby's dream.

I mean, it's his soul.

It's his reason for living.

You know, to have a dream like that come true, to have it finally within your grasp, and then to lose it all again, do you have any idea how he must feel?

Like hell.

Louie, Louie, listen, listen to me.

He's coming in any minute.

No kidding!

Louie, all he wants is to have his old job back.

( Evil laughter )

Louie, Louie, Louie! Louie!

Look, you just got to do me one big favor, okay?

Now, it's a very hard thing for Bobby to come back here like this.

So please, don't make him feel any worse than he does, okay?

Ooh, am I going to love this.

I am going to love it.

Louie, come here. Sit down.

Please, sit down.

I don't know how to get through to you.

Look, um...

Look, we all know each other very well in this garage, right?

We know you and how you act, and we all accept that, but this is something very special.

Now I'm asking you the best way I know how...

When Bobby walks through that door, please, just leave him alone. Okay?

You really mean this, don't you?

Yes, I do.

Well then, I guess there's only one thing I can say.

Blow it out your ear, Rieger!

When Wheeler walks through that door I am going to give it to him like I have never given it to nobody.

( Grunts )

I am going to rub his nose in it.

I am going to make him squeal like an eel and squirm like a worm.

That does it, Louie!

You just got me angry.

Ooh, I'm trembling in my booties.

Well, you better tremble because you've just gone too far.

You think humiliating people is fun, don't you?

You think you're pretty cute this way, don't you?

I am cute.

No, you're not cute, Louie, and you're not clever.

It's not hard to humiliate people.

It's not hard to make people feel rotten about their lives.

The difficult thing is to make people feel good about their lives. Humiliating them, that's simple.

I'll show you how simple it is. Here, take a look at this.

Simple, huh?

What the hell are you doing?

I was just giving you a lesson, Louie, on how easy it is to make people feel ridiculous.

You see that?

You're crazy!

The man is crazy!

He's a whack!

ALEX: Louie, come here!


Your friend, Wheeler, is a loser, Rieger and I'm going to tell him he's a loser and I'm going to love telling him he's a loser.

♪ He's a loser ♪

♪ He's a loser ♪

♪ Nyah, nyah, nyah ♪

♪ He's a loser, he's a loser ♪

♪ He's a loser ♪

♪ He's a loser... ♪

You're not finished yet?

Louie, I'm warning you...

Don't screw around with Bobby, you hear me?

What do you mean, you're warning me?

Are you threatening me with physical violence, Alex?

I'm not saying it won't work.

I just want to know.

No, I'm not threatening you.

Well, do you got something on me?

Are you blackmailing me?

I'm just telling you this very simply, Louie.

Don't do what you're thinking of doing to Bobby.

Just don't do it.

Oh, yeah?

Why not?

Because... you shouldn't.

I shouldn't?

That's the reason I shouldn't?

I shouldn't?

I shouldn't?

I shouldn't!

Oh, no, no, no, no!

I shouldn't.

I shouldn't!

You shouldn't, you shouldn't!

I shouldn't.

( Evil laughter )

Nice having you back, Bobby.

Hey, Louie.

Listen, I got to tell you, I was really knocked out when I came in here yesterday and you were so nice to me.


Yeah. I want to tell you, I really appreciate it.

I thought you were going to dump on me and say things like, uh... "Well."

"If it isn't the big movie star.

"Come back to sign autographs?

"You got a movie contract yet, bigshot?

"Ooh, ooh, why, you look just like the poor slob

"who walked out of here a few weeks ago swearing he was never going to come back."

( Evil laughter )

"What a loser!"

You like that?

Ooh... oh, Bobby.

I wouldn't have said no things like that.

Naw. But I probably would have said

"Here comes the great ac-tor

"bringing his aura into our crummy garage.

"I'm glad they finally found a role worthy of your talents...

A stiff!"

And then I might have turned on the PA like this and I might have said, "Hey, everybody

"you remember Bobby Wheeler when he was a nobody?

"Then you won't have any problems recognizing him now.

"Come on.

"Gather 'round and see how a famous actor eats crow."

But I guess I'm just too nice a guy for that.

Yeah, well, thanks a lot for not doing that, Louie.

Don't mention it.

( Theme music playing )

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )