Taxi S1E17 Script

Elaine and the Lame Duck (1979)

Latka, nice threads.

Oh? Thank you very much.

You like?

You can keep.

Hey, Latka, how come you're so dressed up?

Well, because my mother is visiting today from the old country.

Oh! Hey! Oh! Hey!

You must really be excited.

When does her plane land?

Right at the end of flight.

Good, good, very good.

She coming today from the airport.

She coming right here.

Louie give me rest of day off so I could show her around the Big Banana.

Latka, I think you mean The Big Apple.

Oh, that, too.

Latka, three cabs just came in that need repairs.

What are you doing in these glad rags?

Because you said I could have the day off.

Forget it, I got a garage to run here.

Yeah, but, Louie, you promised.

Right, I promised, now I'm breaking my promise.

Get back to work.

You are a nasty man.

I'm not nasty. A lot of guys wouldn't have given you the day off in the first place.

Go on, go on.

Hey, come on, Louie.

His mother's coming to visit him.

I'm not doing this because I enjoy it.

I do enjoy it, but that's not the reason.

Now get back to work!

( Speaking native language )

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Hey, Latka.

Very sorry about this.

Is there anything I can do to help?


When my mama comes, you could take her to Mario's for eat.

I will come later.

Oh. I, uh... I just got off a 14-hour shift, and I-I thought I'd just go home and try to get some sleep.

Please, please, Alex.

Poor little Mama, she want to see America before she die.

Latka, I'm sorry, I'd like to help, but I'm really very tired.

I mean, uh... Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

It's Tony's day off today.

Hey, Tony, can I ask you a question?



Mama, my mama!

Oh, Latka.

( Speaking native language )

What did you want to ask me, Alex?


Oh, how you doing?


Yeah, it was nice talking to you.

I think I got a date for breakfast.

What are you going to have?

Well, something American.

What have you?

Uh, pizza, spaghetti, chili... and the special of the day is chop suey.


Why don't you bring us a couple of hamburgers, Tommy?

Coming right up.

So, Mrs. Gravas, when did you get into New York?

This morning.

Have seen nothing.

Hear much about New York City.

Oh? Many things want to see.

Yeah? Like what?

Oh, garbage strike, blackout, urban blight.

I'll find out when the next tour is.

Oh, also want to see Yankee Dog Stadium.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you shouldn't miss that.

You know, you talk very good English.

You, too.

I learn English from phrase book.

Well, you learned your phrases very well.

Oh, you're welcome.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You're welcome from me, too.

Oh, try this.

No thirsty.

Mrs. Gravas, I, um, I hope this isn't too personal, but, uh, you know, I was really very surprised to see how young you are.

Oh, my, my, you're welcome.

I marry Latka's father when 15.

He killed two years later.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, you're welcome.

He die in struggle for liberty and freedom.

Oh, he was a freedom fighter shot by police?

No, he was a police shot by freedom fighter.

I, uh, I just can't believe that you never remarried.

I mean, you really are a very, uh, attractive woman.

( Chuckling )

And you're a very nice man, Mr. Reiger.

( Chuckling )

Well, thank you, Mrs. Gravas.

I am Greta.

Okay, I'm Alex.

Like Alexander?


( Cracking up )

( laughing uneasily )


In my country, Alexander mean...

one who makes nik-nik during harvest.

Well, that's me all right.

And, uh, what does Greta mean?

Oh, means pretty.

It fits.

And yours fits, too.

It's not even harvest. Ha, ha.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Latka. Hi.

How are you, Mama?


( Speaking native language )

Mm. I can only stay a minute because many cabs are broke.

Oh, Alex... this is for you... Two tickets to Rockettes.


I was going to take Mama, but, uh, so busy.


Oh, no, no, no. Eh...

( speaking native language )

( Humming cancan music )

So you use them, Alex.

Well, thank you very much, Latka.

Right. You can take girlfriend.

What about your mother?

She don't have a girlfriend.

So tell me, Mama, how is Grishmel?

( Speaking native language )

Oh, eh... and how is Triska?

( Speaking native language )

Oh... ( speaking native language )

Eh, how is Schmopsy?

Schmopsy cookypoots.

( Speaking native language )


( Speaking native language )

How is Lurgid?

( Speaking native language )


It's always nice to get the news from home.

How come every time I get an apple out of the machine, it's old and mushy?

Don't they ever put any new apples in this machine?

Uh, yeah, they put new apples in that machine, uh, but in order to get to the new apples, you have to eat the old apples first, be-because the old apples are so old, very few people eat them.

So, by the time you get to the new apples, they're old apples.

So then all we gotta do is eat more apples.

We'll eat right through the old ones and get to the new ones.

Except that if we all start to eat the old apples, the apple man will think we like old apples and he'll never put any new apples in the machine.

So then how do we get new apples, John?

We can't.


BOBBY: Hey, Alex.

How did your date go with Latka's mama?

It wasn't a date.

Latka had these tickets to a show, so I went and, uh, she went.

It was sort of like, you know, uh, two people being at the same place at the same time, uh, together. That's all.

Well, whatever it was, how did it go?

Fine, just fine.

She sure is attractive.


Oh, Mrs. Gravas? Yeah.

Gee, imagine having a mother who's that good-looking.

You guys talking about me?


Yeah, my mom's good-looking.

Very handsome figure of a woman.

If she'd just stop wearing those black dresses all the time... shed a few pounds... get rid of the wart and the mustache.

Hi, guys.

Hi. Hey.

Hey, uh, Elaine, you got a minute?


Um, I want, I want to ask you something.

I, um...

Elaine, listen.

What would, uh... what would you think of a guy who, uh... kind of got friendly with the mother of a buddy of his?

Oh, that depends how friendly.

Shockingly friendly.

Offhand, I'd say it was a pretty crummy thing to do.

No, no, wait, now listen, um...

What if, what if the guy didn't plan it?

You know what I mean? What if it just sort of happened?

In fact, what if the mother, well, uh... forced herself on the guy?

Forced herself? Yeah.

I mean, what'd she do, like throw him down and pin him to the floor?

Kind of, yeah.

Elaine, listen, uh...

I'm talking about me and Latka's mother.

Latka's mother?!

Uh... yeah. She flew in yesterday from the old country.

Just for that?

Huh? No, no, no.

She flew in to see Latka.

Wow! You and Latka's mother!

Please. How old is she?

About six-foot-three.

Look, she-she happens to be a very attractive woman.

Look, Latka gave us tickets to a show.

We went to the Radio City Music Hall, and afterwards out for a bite to eat and she wanted to come up to my place for a drink.

Well, look, Oh, now... no, I had no idea what was gonna happen.

I mean, I don't think she did either.

Just one of those things, you know what I mean?

You mean, you actually...

Elaine, I couldn't help it. I really couldn't help it.

After we were alone for a while, she turned into an animal.

A great one.

She started to rip my shirt.

She ripped my raincoat.

Latka's mother?!

Quiet, will you?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Look, there-there's no reason for you to feel guilty.

I don't, but it just bothers me that if Latka found out about it, it would really hurt him.

Oh, well, that's simple.

If I were you, I'd just make sure he never finds out.


LATKA: Alex?

Alex Reiger?

If I were you, I'd think of something else.


Alex, I must talk to you man-to-face.


Yes, Latka.

Last night, Mama come home very late.

Yes, I-I know. I know.

And I ask her where she been.

She did not want to tell me, but I make her.

She told you everything?


Oh, listen, Latka, please, I can explain.

You don't need to explain... Daddy.

I think we really have to talk about this, Latka.

You know, Alex, if there was anyone in the world for me to choose for my father, I would choose you.

Oh, well, that's really very nice.

Latka, come over here and pick up your work order.

Okay, coming, Louie.

See you later, Papa.

Hey, Alex, you and Latka's mother getting serious?

Of course not.

Hello, Alexander.

It's not what you're thinking.

No, it's probably a lot better.

Uh, You guys got something better to do?


Then do it!

We are going to be so happy together.

Mama cook, Alex read paper, I mow the lawn, oh...

( speaking native language )

Can I have a puppy?

Latka, what you speak?

I no marry Alex.

No, no, no, of course not.

Look, Latka, your mother's is a wonderful woman, but I... I don't want to marry her.

What! No marry?

No, ( speaking native language )

But, Mama, if you play nik-nik with Alex, then you must marry.

It's the only way to save the family honor.

Oh, goat droppings.

No marry.

No goat droppings.

You... you must.




If you don't marry Alex, then you're... you're a kakbort.


Latka, ( speaking native language )

( Speaking native language )

( Continues speaking native language )

I'm sorry, Mama.

Ooh... ( speaking native language )

It's okay, Alex.

Oh, uh, what did you tell him?

She told me how lonely she'd been since father died and I forgive her.

Hey, that's terrific, Latka.

But you, Mr. Reiger, you, I never forgive.

We are no longer friends.

Sorry, Alex.

Latka... Latka, Latka.


I don't know what's exactly going on here, Reiger, and I don't want to make a judgment about who's right and who's wrong.

But I just want you to remember one thing:

My mother's off-limits.

Hello, Latka.


I was looking all over for you.

That so?

How you doing?

What's it to me?

Can I sit down?

Free country.

Latka, I think we have to talk.

I know what you're going to say.

( Speaking native language )

I wanted to say that, um...

I'm deeply sorry that you were hurt by what happened between your mother and me.

I knew it.

Look, Latka, what your mother and I did was indiscreet.

You mean, not even indoors?

No, no, no, no, no.

Latka, look, what I'm trying to say is that I know through your eyes what happened between your mother and me was wrong.

But what happened between a woman by the name of Greta Gravas and me was not wrong.

May I?

( Grunting )

What is that?

Brefinish. I make myself.

Make a good anti-freeze, let me tell you.

No, eats... eats the pipes.


Look, Latka, Latka, what do you say...

What do you say we just shake hands, okay?


Then we're friends again?

No, no, not friends.

We just shook hands, that makes us friends, doesn't it?

Not in my country.

Only one thing means friendship between two men...

When they do this to each other.

I guess that seems a lot friendlier than shaking hands.

Latka, why can't you forgive me?

Because you have shamed the name of Gravas.

Was it that bad?

Look, why you do this?

I would not do it to your mother.

My mother's 67 years old.

Then not do for sure.

Latka, look, I like you.

I... to be friends with you again.

Well, I like you, too, Alex, but we can never be friends.

What are you talking about?

We work in the same place.

We see each other every day.

Come on, you'll get over this.

Of course we can be friends again.


You mean to say that we'll never go to breakfast with each other ever again?


We'll never be able to play poker together ever again?


You'll never come to my house to watch football?

No, never.

( Sniffling )

Not even when the Dallas cheerleaders are on?

( Sobbing )

I sorry, Alex, we cannot be friends.

It's a question of honor.

Without honor, a man is nothing.

I'm sorry, but this is how it must be.

There's nothing I can do to change that?


Well, I guess that's it, then.

Good-bye, Latka.


( Sighs )


Maybe is one solution.


You and I could globnik.


Well, is custom in my country, when two friends cannot agree, they globnik.

Well, what does that mean?

It's hard to explain.

Here, look it up.




Garfnog, giffort... glab, globnik.

Here it is, globnik.

"From glob, to disappear.

"Intransitive verb.

To pretend or assume some event or occurrence never took place."

You think that would do it?

I mean, just pretend it never happened?

Pretend what never happened?

Beats me.

Me, too.

Well, back to work.

Yep, I'll, um... I'll, I'll see you.

Okay, bye.

Okay, Latka, your deal.

Thank you very much.

Latka love poker.

Abbee, abbee, abbee, abbee, dabbee, dabbee, dabbee, dabbee, eicky, eicky, eicky, eicky, bicky, bicky, bicky, bicky, eh... sappee, sappee, sappee, sappee.

I'll take dabbee.

Okay, uh, abbee, dabbee.

BOBBY: Give me dabbee.

Abbee, dabbee.

Eicky for me.

Abbee, dabbee, eicky.

And dealer take bicky.

Abbee, dabbee, eicky, bicky.

Okay, I open one kripkee.

I'm in.

I see your kripkee and I raise a kebel.

Okay, big shots, I see you and raise ten kebels.

Hey, get this, Latka.

I bet he's drawing to an inside rebelyek.

I'll see that.

Yeah, yeah, I'm in.


Okay. What you got, Bobby?

Yeah, what do you got, Bobby?

A pair of dorfnickis.

I just missed my royal pipik.

All right, three yadabis.

Hold it!

A full flerm.

Full ferm?

( Theme music playing )

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters.

( Walters grunts )