Taxi S1E22 Script

Substitute Father (1979)

A much too fast recap of last week's Taxi.

Louie got this phone call.

John had wrecked cab 804.


I was in 804 the night I got held up.

Remember when I started carrying that big gun around for protection?

Just want the fare money, son. No games.

Okay, drop it!

Drop it?

Hey, man.

You ain't no fun to stick up, man.

Hey, I saved a guy's life once in 804.

Hey, don't do that!


Hey, maybe we're all getting upset for nothing.

I mean, we don't know for sure that 804 is totaled.

JOHN: Hi, everybody.

Hey, everything's all right.

I'm fine.

Just look at that grillwork.

I can't look at her anymore.

Well, we'll know soon enough.

804 is about to go under the wrench.

It's going to take a miracle to save her.

I wish it was me that was going under the wrench.

Oh, John...

Come on. Don't feel so bad.

It was just an accident.

It could happen to any of us.


Either of us.

( Speaking native language )

TONY: Latka! Latka!

How you doing?

We're counting on you, Latka.

Take as much time as you need.

As much time as you need, right?

We know you can do it, buddy.

I still say we should have got a specialist.

ALEX: No, Latka'll do fine. He's our man.

Hey, if he can't fix it, nobody can.

Wait till he sees the cab.

Eh, trust.

No need for specialist.

I can fix it.




I quit.

Latka, no!

Come on. You got to go get 'em, boy.

Yeah, Latka, do your best.

Please, Latka, please!

Save her, will you, please?

( Speaking native language )


( Still speaking native language )

Hey, let's forget about this.

I mean, I feel just as bad as any of you but standing around like this isn't going to help.

( Sighing )

You want to hear a story about what happened to me in 804?


Well, it's just about this guy I picked up one night...

What's wrong?

I thought when it came to passengers, you never, uh...

No, I don't.

Well... well, I mean, you got to understand.

I mean, this was special.

You know, there are just certain things in life that a girl can't resist.

ALEX: Like what?

Well, like an auction.

I mean, I hear about an auction and I go crazy, you know?

Or a ride in the country.

I mean, I love a ride in the country.

Oh, and nice manners.

I adore nice manners.

Elaine, what's this got to do with the guy you picked up?


MAN: Excuse me, I've got to get to a private auction in the country.

Is it possible for you to take me?

I know it's a lot to ask.

I get off duty in half an hour.

How far is it?

140 Miles.

Oh, I don't know. 140...

I can make it.

Uh, this is cab 804.

I'm going to be a little late.

I have an out-of-town fare.

LOUIE: Good. How late will you be?

Don't wait up.

Elaine Nardo, huh?

It's a good picture.

Come on. It's a terrible picture.

My hair wasn't fixed and my eyes are half-closed...

It's a mug shot.

Listen, maybe everybody asks you this, but how come you're driving a cab?

There was this fat lady once.

Four suitcases and three kids.

I drove her all the way to New Jersey.

The kids were hanging out the windows, and she was screaming at the kids to get back inside.

Two of the kids even got sick in the car.

I don't get it.

She's the only one who never asked me why I drive a cab.

Okay. You don't have to tell me.

I only tell special people.

The reason I drive a cab is because I'm divorced and I need the extra money.

I really work as a receptionist at an art gallery.

That gallery is what I really care about.

Uh, listen, the auction that I'm going to is an art auction.

Would you like to join me?

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that as a come-on.

No, that's not true. I did mean that as a come-on.

Would you?

Oh, I don't know.

I... I couldn't date a guy that I didn't know.

What's your name anyway?

Mike Beldon.

Certainly good to know you, Mike Beldon.

Mike Beldon, Mike Beldon.

I own a few paintings myself, but mostly I just buy for other people.

I'm still at the renting stage.

I get them from libraries, you know.

Just having them around the house, you know, changes the whole atmosphere for me.

This isn't like me.

What isn't?

I'm still not comfortable about having a passenger ride up front.

Passenger? I thought we were friends.

( Sighing )

We shouldn't be doing this.

Why not?

What are you afraid of?

You know what I mean.

It's like, you know, here we are, sharing the same experiences, the same interests... ( sighing )

Sort of maybe... feeling a little attracted to each other?

Maybe a little.

Maybe a lot?

Maybe a lot.


But it's too perfect, you know?

Yeah, we should stop.

Something's going to go wrong.

What are you talking about?

I mean, like, I just know it's going to turn out you're either married, gay, or crazy.

( Sighing )

I hit it, didn't I?

You're one of those?

Married, gay, or crazy?

Yeah, you're right.

Come on, crazy.

Right again.

Thank God.

So we got divorced.

I wanted kids, she didn't.

Simple as that.

I don't know. Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe I'm just too old-fashioned, but, uh... I still believe in families.

How about you?

What is it, a tattoo somewhere that says, "I have kids"?

You knew that.

See? You are too perfect.

ELAINE: Why are we stopping?

We're here.

Oh, you're kidding.

140 miles goes that fast, huh?


There's something I got to ask you.


It would seem real strange if I had to say good-bye to you right now.

So, would you spend the night with me tonight?

Believe me, I...

I wouldn't rush it like this, but I don't think I'm going to get another chance.

So, would you spend the night with me?

You mean all night?

I'm not being naive.

I just want to make sure that I understand you.

All night.

You mean in the same room?

Not naive. I'm just checking.

Same room.

Do you mean just for tonight?

( Sighing )

I have to fly to London in the morning.

What about when you come back?

I don't know when I'm coming back, and I'd hate to make a promise I couldn't keep.

( Sighing )

You're not so perfect.

You don't even know when to lie.

What about tonight?

I can't...

Unless there's even the slightest chance that you might not go to London tomorrow.

Okay, there's a slight chance.


No, that's a lie.

Now, see, you happy? I'm a liar.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I am really sorry.

I'm furious at myself is what I am.

I understand.

So long.

( Sighing )

A kiss we can do.

What was that question again?

( laughing )

Oh, you're sure going to get remembered, fella.

Uh, hey... listen, I owe you some money here.

That's right.


( Sighing )

Here, take this.

A hundred dollars?

No, please take it.

Oh, wait, I can't!


I'd feel like a call girl.

You didn't do anything.

I'd feel like a bad call girl.

I want you to have it.

I mean, think of it as a down payment on your art gallery.

You deserve it.

It's the best cab ride I ever had.


Oh, this is some tip.

What would you have given me if I'd stayed the night?

A very sweet memory.

LOUIE: You're better off with the hundred.

Louie! Oh, Louie...!

Oh, I don't believe it!

Louie, what are you doing?!

I don't believe it! Louie, you creep!

You know, this creep has nothing to do than to interfere with other people's lives.

I hate you!

Oh, I am so embarrassed.

I am so sorry. I had no idea.

I'll kill you!

I'm sorry.

I believe you.

Good night.

Oh, good night.

Good old 804.

Well, he sounds like he was some kind of great guy.

No, you did the right thing.

The guy had to have a big flaw somewhere.

He did.

He took no for an answer.

It's your turn.

What, for a story?

Oh, come on.

I don't have any good ones.

I mean, it's just the usual stuff, you know.

Well, one time I had this contortionist who insisted on riding in the trunk.

I had a woman one time with a head of lettuce she said was alive, and she wanted me to ask it questions.

I mean, you know, usual stuff.

Nothing unusual, huh?

Well, there was this one time in 804, but it was no big deal, actually.

I'll bet you this guy's got the best story of them all.

You bet.

It helps to get it off your chest.

Right. It goes like this.

Well, it was a miserable night.

It had just been snowing, and my bookings were real light, when I see this guy... Taxi!

Hi there.

Methodist Hospital.

It's not an emergency, or anything, is it?

No. We're having a baby, but no need to panic.

Everything's cool.

Who's we?

Just a minute.

Don't start the meter.

You okay?


Okay. Okay.

You were right behind me on the stairs.

What happened? What happened?

I lost you when you started taking two at a time.


You can start the meter now. Don't drive too fast.

We got plenty of time.

Are you sure?

Yeah, we're going natural.

We've had the Lamaze classes.

We know exactly what we're doing.

Going natural is so great because ou know ahead of time what's going to happen.

You don't have to worry anyway.

With my pelvis, the doctor says I'm gonna drop 'em like kittens.

My mother was like that.

Even my grandmother dropped 'em like kittens.

My great-grandmother...

Dropped 'em like kittens?

That's enough. She may be a little nervous.

It's okay, that's why I'm here to keep her calm.

I made you a great peanut butter...

Oh, oh. Here comes another one. Start timing.


Start timing her labor contractions.

The length of the contraction and how often they occur lets you know exactly which stage of the labor she's in.

She's just in the latter part of the first phase of the first stage because the contractions are way, way apart, lasting about 20 seconds.

Later on they'll maybe...

They'll be maybe three minutes or so apart and last about 60 seconds.

Ultimately, the last couple of minutes will be one right after the other.

That's the third and final phase of the first stage.

It's pretty fascinating, isn't it?

Yeah, I guess so.

I'm her coach. I give all the directions.

It keeps her mind focused away from the pain that way.

Coach, huh? Yeah, that's the name they give us.

I've got the sack here, bag.

I've got a rolling pin and tennis ball for back pain in case she needs a back rub.

I got some candy in case I get hungry.

I do the breathing too right along with her.

We share everything.

This way she doesn't feel like she's having the baby alone.

Hey, listen, why don't you relax?

Sit back there and have some candy.

Oh, no, thanks.

I'm not hungry. Maybe when I get to the...



She means me.

I stop timing the contraction.

It's over now. I check to see how long it lasted...

Minute and ten seconds... Make a note of it.

Pencil, pencil... may I?

Oh, sure.


Huh? Oh, thanks.

A minute and ten seconds? In phase one?

Here comes another one.

You just had one.

Well, I'm having another one.

That's phase three. What happened to phase two? Stop.

I can't. Not you, him! Stop the cab!

What for?

We skipped phase two, we're too late.

We're too late?

Oh, my gosh. She's having the baby right here.

She's still contracting. This is it, this is the baby.

Hey, hey, listen, I thought you were supposed to stay calm?

I thought we were supposed to have three phases, and look, she's still contracting.

This is it, this is the baby.

All right, now, try to stay calm now.

You want me to get a doctor?

No, don't talk to me, I feel sick.

What?! Faint. I feel faint.

Do your breathing.

I can't. I feel nauseous.

Help him, please! Get him in the front seat.

Well, what about you?!

I'm sorry, I feel... I got to get air.

Here comes another one.

Keep... Breathe, breathe.

Where did he go? Hey, mister!

Please, lady, look give me a break.

( Screaming )

Hey, what about her?

You'll have to take over.


Listen, no sweat. I can coach you from here on how to coach her back there.

Hey, come on! No kidding around.

You've got to go through with this.

Hey, come on, come on. Shape up, fella, will you?

This happens to some men.

Please don't blame him for it.

Don't make him feel inferior.

Listen, lady, I'm a stranger.

You don't want me. You want him.

She was the star pupil in her class.

She'll take coaching from anybody.

Hey, where are you going?! Come here!

What are you doing?

( Breathing quickly )

Here, watch me... like this.

Coach her, coach her, don't let her coach you.

He's right, he's right.

Don't worry about how I am.

Make sure she follows you.

Make sure she follows you.

You're the boss, remember.

Have you got something to catch the baby?


Use your coat.

Make sure she's relaxed.

Don't let her muscles tense up.

Hold her hand.

You can't hold my hand, I need my hand.

I can't hold her hand, she needs her hand.

Forget her hand.

Hey! What are you doing?

Getting into position.

It's coming. I can feel it.

Make sure she's at a 45-degree angle.

To what?! To what?!

Are you pushing yet?

I didn't know I was supposed to push.

I'm not talking to you.

Oh. Push. Are you pushing?

( Straining ): I'm pushing!

What's he doing?

He's doing fine.

What's wrong? What's wrong?

Isn't she concentrating?

How should I know?

Why don't you call a doctor.

Use the radio, will you?

Are you all right?

All right, I got it.

Here, you talk. Oh, my God.

Louie! Alex. Cab 804.

Listen, you got trouble here.

A lady's having a baby.

LOUIE: I never saw her before.

No, Louie, Louie! Louie!

We're on 61st Street between Second and Third Avenues.

Get a doctor quick, will you, please?

It's coming.

Oh, my God.

Keep breathing! Keep pushing!


You'll be all right. You'll be all right.

Just take it easy. Just relax.

Allen, watch. It's coming.

I can feel it.

I can't.


Allen! Look!

I can't look.

I'm going to remember this.

You let a stranger deliver our baby.

I'll never marry you now.

Ruth, don't...

Ruth, please, don't be mad.

I can't help it.

Yeah, come on, Ruth, this is no time to argue.

Marry him if he wants to marry you.

Marry a man who won't even look at our baby?

All right, all right. I'll look.

But what if I pass out?

Oh, God.

Look at that.

ALEX: Now, take it easy.

I got it.

Watch the shoulders, now.


Ruth, it's so beautiful.

Easy now.

Easy. You're almost home free.

Ruth, it's a boy.

It's a boy.

Yeah. A boy.

( Baby crying )

Wrap him up.

Don't cut the umbilical cord.

Lay him on top of Ruth.

He'll stay warm there.

Allen, look.

Hey... I'm a father.

Ruth, I love you.

I love you too.

Hey, Congratulations.

Hey, Mister, really...

I don't know how to thank you for all this. Aw...

We don't have a name for him yet. What's your name?


Maybe we'll just get you a bottle of scotch.


Hey, Bob, what's happening?

Any word on 804 yet?

They took it upstairs.

They're still going to work on it.

Well... Latka!

Just tell me.

How's it going?

Yeah, how's the car, man?

Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you cab 804.

ALEX: Latka!

The man's a genius, a genius.

Thank you very much.

Hey, can I be the first to drive it?

Hey, wait a minute! I want to be the first to drive it.

I saved a guy's life in this car.

Hey, I saved my own life in this car!

I met my dream man in this car.

Now, hold it, hold it. Now just hold it!

I know you all have good reasons to want this car, but I think I got you all beat.

I brought a beautiful human being into the world in this cab.

When a man is right, a man is right.

Well, thank you, Louie.


Oh, Alex?

Yes, Latka?

One thing... Be careful of steering.

You know, sometimes you turn... go this way when the car, it go this way.


Oh, and also... Yes?

Brakes are really good now except when it's wet or very dry.

Leave it to me.


Oh, and one... also, Alex.

Be sure don't go over 25 mile per hours because if you do, transmission...

Don't worry about it, Latka.

Okay. See you later.


See you, Alex.

( Engine sputters and backfires )

Hey, Alex!

TONY: It's burning!

JOHN: Turn it off!

BOBBY: Alex!

On reflection, I think I delivered that baby in 803.

Hey, guys.

I think I made a mistake. It wasn't this cab at all.

( Theme music playing )

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )