Taxi S1E4 Script

Bobby's Acting Career (1978)

( Theme music playing )

MAN: Yo! Cab!


Where to?

51st street, please.

Oh, right.

Do you mind the dog being in the cab, do you?

No. He doesn't mind me being in it, does he?

Don't worry about him.

He's very well trained.

He just got out of obedience school.

I take him everywhere with me.

I just won him in a poker game a few weeks back.

It's a beautiful dog, isn't he?

Yeah, he sure is beautiful.

Name is Hamlet.

You can probably guess why I call him Hamlet.

Grew up in a small town?

No. Because he's a Great Dane.

You know, Hamlet, the Dane in the play.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very intelligent dog, too.

Watch, I'll show you.

Speak, Hamlet. Speak.

Come on, Hamlet, speak.

Come on, Hamlet, speak.

"O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!"

Come on, Hamlet, speak, you stupid dog.

Come on, speak!

That's okay. If he thinks of something to say later on he can call me.

Uh, it's a buck 65.

There you go.

Ah, that's all right.

Thank you.

You know, he really is a very smart dog.

I don't know what's wrong with him today.

Hold out your hand, he'll give you his paw.

Uh, no, I don't think I better.

No, no, no. Come on, hold out your hand, he'll give you his paw.

Give him your paw, Ham.

I said paw, not floor.

Ah, that's okay.

No, it isn't okay.

Get up from there, you stupid dog.

Come on, get up from there! Hey, that's o...

Hey, mister, what are you doing?

Get up from there. Well, he's got to learn. Hey, what are...

Get up from there.

( Dog whimpers ) Hey, don't hit the dog.

You... It's my dog. I'll hit him if I want to.

Get up from there you stupid dog. Come on, it's my cab.

Don't hit the dog in my cab. I said, get up from there!

Hey, mister, you hear what I said? When I tell you to get up Will you cut it out? Get up from there.

Hey, mister, will you cut that out? Get up from there, you stupid dog. Hey, give me that. Give me that.

What...? Get out of my cab.

Go on. Get out of here.

All right. Come on, Hamlet.

Hamlet, come out here!


Hey, you got my dog in there! ( barking )

( Tires screeching )

( Brakes screeching )

Hi. It's Bobby Wheeler.

Any messages?

Well, a-are you sure?

Yeah, okay, well, just check again, all right?

O-okay. Now, listen. I'm down at the garage.

If anybody calls, you give them the number.

All right.

Hey, what are you doing, man?

Let me go, Tony. I got to hit something.

Hey, what are you crazy?

I can see you're upset, but, uh, don't hit that.

You could really hurt yourself.

Yeah, well, I don't care, man, 'cause I got to hit something.

All right, all right. Here.

Hit me. Here, in the stomach. Go ahead.

I can't do that.

Come on, don't worry about it. I'm hard as a rock.

I do 200 sit-ups a day.

I go to the gym, guys hit me all the time.

It's part of my training. Go ahead. Go ahead.

You're sure now, right?

Go ahead. Hard as you can. Go ahead.

Oh, Tony! I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Hey, listen, if it makes you feel any better, I feel great.

Great. Anytime I can help.

I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry, Tony.

Hey, hey, John?

John, don't use that phone, okay?

John, I said don't use that phone!

LOUIE: Hey, Bob.

Is it all right if John uses the toilet?

Just lay off, Louie, okay?

I got a lot of things on my mind.

Hi, boys.

Hi, Alex.


Hey, listen, um, could you do me a favor?

Yeah? I'm expecting a call any minute, you know.

And could you wait with me?

'Cause I don't want to be alone when I get it.

Yeah, sure. What kind of phone call?

Well, you see...

LATKA: Alex. Yo.

I find... I find in your cab.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, my gosh. Look at him.

Wow. Where'd you find him?

I took him away from some guy in my cab.

He was whipping him with his leash.

Hey, you shouldn't do that, boy. You could hurt somebody.

ALEX: Not him.

Hey, Alex... He's so gorgeous.

What's his name?

Alex, you see, this phone call...

His name is Hamlet.

Are you going to him?

Well, I guess so.

Till I can find a better home for him.

Hey, Latka, will you do me a favor and get Hamlet some water?

Come on. Oh, I'm sorry, Bobby.

Uh, you were telling me about this phone call.

Yeah, it... Hey, so what's doing here?

Are we getting breakfast or what?

Hey, what's this phone call you're waiting for?

It's about an acting job.

Oh... Yeah, I'm up for the lead in an off-broadway play.

That's something. All right!

Yeah, but the thing is it's down between me and two other guys and they said they'd let me know this morning. So...

Stuff like that's always happening to you.

This is special?

Yeah. See, that's why I wanted to talk to you, Alex.

I've got this whole thing like, I...

All right, all right. Everybody sit down.

I'll tell you

See, when I first came to New York...

Where did you come from, Bobby?

The Bronx.

I made this deal with myself.

I mean, I knew how there were thousands of starving actors here and how it's a rotten life and how very few make it and how you can get old trying, you know?

So I gave myself a strict time limit.

Three years.

Three years to get started as an actor.

Now, I promised myself, if in that amount of time if I didn't get a paid acting job I'd give it up, get a regular full-time job and never think about acting again.

I mean a guy can't go on like I've been doing forever.

You know, beating my brains out here six nights a week.

Spending my days trying out for something that might not happen.

I mean, there's got to be a limit.

I figured three years.

I mean, how could I not get a job in three years, you know?

Three years are up today.

I mean, my life is riding on this job, you know?

I got to get this part, Alex.

You see, that's-that's why I wanted you to be with me.

Yeah, I know. Well, listen...

'Cause you know how much I want to act.

It's the only thing in the world that... that really matters to me.

Yeah, I know...

I mean, if they call up and they tell me that they're gonna pick one of those other guys, Alex, I don't know what I'm going to do.

W-What are you going to do?

So, they pick another guy. I mean, It's not the world, is it?

MAN: All right, I want my dog.

Where's my dog?

I'll right back to you, Bobby.

I got to deal with this guy first.

Come on, where is he? Hamlet?!


Oh, there he is.

Would you give me that dog, please?

What dog?

Well, that dog.

That's my dog.

I don't see any dog. What dog are you talking about?

ELAINE: Yeah, I don't see any dog either.

Dog? What dog?

Hey, Fred, do you see a dog? What dog?

There isn't any dog here.

Oh, I get it.

You guys are looking for trouble, huh?


What's going on out here?

Are you in charge here?

Do old ladies get mugged?

Well, that dog is my dog, and I want him now.

Hey, Louie, we don't know what this guy's talking about.

You don't see no dog here, do ya?

Uh... yeah... I got something in my eyes.

I can't see anything.

I can't see if there's a dog here or not.

Anybody got a dollar bill I could wipe the sweat out of my eyes?

ALEX: Here, Louie.

There's no dog here, mister.

You guys think you're pretty cute, don't you?

Well, you'd better give me that dog and you'd better give him to me right now, because if you don't, I'm going straight from here to the police.

Oh... Now, does anybody want to talk to me about that or not?

Sure, you want somebody to talk to you?

MAN: Yeah. Latka.


( Speaking native language )

Go, Latka!

( Phone ringing )


Yeah, yeah.

This is Bobby Wheeler.

Uh, no, uh... that's okay, you know.

Right. I-I-I, uh... I appreciate the call, really.

( Sighing )

I didn't get the part, Hamlet.

Here are my bookings, Louie.

( Barking )

( laughing )

That's a good Hamlet.

That's good, Hamlet.

Hey, Louie... Louie... for God's sake, man, it's my turn.

Let me have him, huh?

All right, All right.

I'll let you have him, but only 'cause your dreams are crashing around you.


Good boy.

Good boy. Yeah.

( Groans )

Hey, Bobby, listen, don't worry about it.

Everything's going to be okay.

Will you stop talking to him like that, Elaine?

How is everything be okay?

Look, I don't know much about acting, but what I do know is, if you want a good job you got to go stand in line.

If you want to find a good job acting, find a line to stand in.

Bobby, you're not going to get anywhere sitting here feeling sorry for yourself.

BOBBY: Damn it, Alex, you're right.

There's still 14 hours to go before midnight.

I'm gonna knock on every door in New York if I have to.

I don't care what it is...

Bit part, commercial, walk-on...

But I'm going to get something.

Hi, Tom.

Hi, Bobby.

Oh, gee, thanks a lot.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Really.

Oh, don't mention it.

Now, it's just a lucky thing that you happened to come by today. Yeah.

Now, look, Bobby, you do understand that the director is doing the casting on the commercial.

I can't influence him for you.

Yeah, of course, but, you know, any tips on how I might be able to catch his eye?

Just, uh, be yourself.

I better go rehearse a little. Okay.

MAN: Tom?

Tom, okay, I'm ready.

Everybody, everybody, this is Peter Nicholson our director.

Thank you.

Okay, now, I'm sure you're all familiar with this commercial.

I'd like Tom over here. Yeah.

And I'd like you all to form a loose semicircle behind him with your backs towards him, please.


Now I will cue Tom and I want you to react naturally for me, okay?

And... Tom.

"My broker is EF Hutton, and EF Hutton says..."

PETER: Great!

Okay, thank you.

We'll be in touch.

Thank you.

Uh... Tom, h-how did I do?

You did fine, just fine, Bobby, really.

You, uh, think I got a shot?

Yeah, you got a shot!

Gees, thanks, Tom.

( Chimes tinkling )

I'll be right there in a minute.

I'll be right there, right there.

( Chimes tinkling )

All right, coming, coming.

Hey, come on in.

Hey, did you get the commercial?

Hey, did you get your commercial?

Just wait a minute.

Are you going to tell us or not?

Well, wait till everybody's inside.

ELAINE: Did you get it?

I didn't get it!

( All cheering )



So what are we celebrating, then?

Oh. Well... My first acting job.


You got your first acting job?

Not yet!

Yay! Yay! Yay!


What is this, some kind of a new party game here?

Hey, it's okay that I didn't get a job, because I'm going to get one.

( Cheering )

Wait a minute. Are you sure?

Oh, positive.

( Soft cheering )

And it's gonna be before midnight tonight.

Come on, I'll tell you all about it.

Let's everybody have a drink.

Yeah, let's have a drink.

Hey, Latka, come on. Let's go. Come on, come on.

( Mumbling )

Okay, all right, somebody make a toast and we're set. Okay, um...

Toast, toast.

Eh... ( speaking native language )

No, no.

Everybody must do toast.

( All speaking native language )

No, no, no, no.

( Speaking native language )

( All repeating )

No, no, no.

( Changing words )

Latka, if you don't mind, I'll make the toast.

To Bobby's new job.

Hear, hear.

Ni-nice toast.

Okay, come on, come on. Everybody, sit down.

Yeah, come on. Okay.

ELAINE: Well, Bobby, why don't you just tell us about the job you're going to get.

Oh, well...

When I found out I didn't get the commercial this morning I really started hustling.

I went into every casting office in this town.

Some guys even had me read for parts, you know?

And that's pretty good when you're going in cold, you know.

Yeah, I'll say.

Who am I kidding?

That's great when you're going in cold!

And some of them even told me that I was in the running.

So one of them should come through, right?


I'm gonna get a call on my phone before midnight tonight when the three years are up, and I'm not going to have to give up acting.

Oh, you know, it's just so great when you know it in your heart, man.

You don't have to sweat it anymore.

( Soft agreements )

Well, maybe somebody is going to call you, Bobby, but how do you know they're gonna call before midnight?

Well, that's simple logic.

You see, when you're good at something you end up doing it.

Now, I'm not going to end up acting unless I get a phone call before midnight. So...

I'm gonna get a call before midnight.

Isn't it wonderful?

I mean, so what if he doesn't get a call tonight?

He's feeling really great right now.

Yeah. So what if you're falling off the cliff?

The view is wonderful on the way down.

What does that mean?

Somebody better tell this guy that he's setting himself up for too big a fall.

Alex, don't.

Sure. We all leave here at 11:59 with a song in our heart, and hope we don't hear the thud.

I just don't think it's appropriate right now.

Hey, uh, what are you guys talking about?

Nothing. Alex is just getting a little nervous.

Now come on, Elaine. I got to tell him what I'm thinking.

I'm his friend.

Hey, don't worry, Alex.

I just explained to you why I'm gonna get the call before midnight, right?

Yeah, yeah, I know...

Because you're so good at acting.


Great actors get jobs.

I'm a great actor.

Bobby, we got to be rational here.

I am being rational.

I'm good.

Good people do what they're good at and I'm good.

Bobby... I got to act, Alex, because I'm good.

Bobby, listen... I'm good!

Look, just because someone doesn't call you by midnight doesn't mean...

The only way that phone's not gonna ring before midnight, Alex, is if I'm not good enough.

And you're not going to tell me...

Maybe you're not that good.


Doesn't mean that with a little more experience, you couldn't get there.

All right, Just stop it. All right?

Now you've said what you had to say.

Now let me talk, all right?


When I was six years old, Alex... my father died, and I never had any older brothers.

Had a couple of older sisters, but, uh... till I met you I don't think there was ever a man in my life that I felt was on my side.

I mean, I had lots of friends and everything, but I always felt there was something special between you and me.

And you knew that, Alex.

You knew how I... how I looked up to you and respected you, and counted on you.

Oh, come on, Bobby...

Please, just... let me finish all right?

What you just said just now...

I mean, it would have been okay coming from a friend, but not from somebody I felt about the way I feel about you.

I don't know how to tell you, I... you just hurt me now, Alex...

Except to say that... it feels like, uh... like my father just died again.

Oh, come on, Bobby.

No, it's a little late for that, man.

I needed you and you let me down.

I needed you, Alex.

Bobby, Alex is only trying to...

You stay out of this, Elaine!

It's between Alex and me.

There's only one thing that I want from you right now, Alex.

And that's for you to get out of here.

( Voice breaking ): I don't want to see you again.

I don't want to talk to you.

I don't want to know you, man!


All right, come on, all right?

Just get out, all right?!

Just get the hell out of here!

You still say I'm not such a good actor?

Hey, that was something.

( laughing )

You bastard.

Now, baby, ring.

Come on, ring.

Blap. Blap.

It's two minutes to 12:00, Bobby.

Yeah, I know what time it is, Elaine, but please stop telling me what time it is.

I mean, it's going to ring before midnight and then that's that, you know?

I haven't said this yet, but it's going to ring.

Okay, now hold it down because it's, like, only 40 seconds left.

It's going to ring. I just know it.

It's going to ring.

Maybe your watch is off.


It has to be by my watch.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, zero.




I-I promised myself that I'd quit acting... and get a job in three years.

Well, it's... it's been three years.

Aw, what the hell.

I'll give myself another three years.

MAN: There he is.

That's my dog.

( Clearing throat )

Excuse me.

Hamlet, come over here.

( Hamlet growls )

I'll teach you to growl at me.

Wait till I get you home!

Officer, where is this insane man going with my dog?

Your dog?

See, he admits it.

Officer, this is my dog and I'm taking him.

Officer, this is my dog and he's not going anywhere.

Why don't you just stand them at a distance and let them call the dog?

Whichever one he goes to gets the dog, right?

This guy ought to run for borough president.

All right, Officer, where do I stand?

You stand over there. Fine.

Where do I stand?

And you stand over there.

Sit, boy.

Now, when I say so, I want you both to call the dog's name.

And whichever one he goes to, that's the dog's owner, and that's that, okay?




Oh, one second.


What was that all about?

I just want to make sure no one's carrying any meat.

Okay, call the dog.



Hamlet. Hamlet, come here.

Come over here, Hamlet. Come on, Hamlet.

Hamlet. Hamlet.

Hamlet, come over here.

Come over here!

Hamlet, come over here!

( Muttering )

Come over here!

Wait till I get you.

Come over here.

You come over here!

Come over here when I tell you.

Come over here.

( All sighing )

Well, I guess that's that.

Hey, man, why would he do that?

Go with the guy that beats him?

( Growling )

MAN: It's his dog! It's his dog!

It's his dog!

( Theme music playing )

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )