Taxi S1E5 Script

Come as You Aren't (1978)

( Theme music playing )


It's okay, I guess.

Why am I being modest?

I'm alone.

It's perfect.

Metropolitan Museum.

I bet you're wondering how you got a cab so fast in this rain.

Well, it's because I've been sitting here admiring this window display.

You see, I work here part-time at this art gallery.

Uh, excuse me, if you don't mind, I really don't feel much like talking.

Just take me to the Metropolitan, okay?

Oh, I wasn't talking, I was just...

Hey!

I don't know how to make it any clearer than that.

Please take me to the Metropolitan.

Okay. You charmed me into it.

Where you going?

You said the Metropolitan Museum.

I meant the one in New York. Why didn't you stay on Madison?

It's shorter this way. You said you were in a hurry.

You are taking a longer route than you need to.

It's not any longer. You know, wait a minute.

Are you accusing me of jacking up the fare?

No. I'm accusing you of trying.

Unfortunately, I caught you.

Hey, look, Mister. I swear I'm not trying to cheat you.

Now if you want, I can take you back where I picked you up, and we can start over and I'll take a different route.

Thanks, but I've seen Jersey.

Okay, out of the cab.

It's pouring rain out there.

The law says you have to take me wherever I want to go.

There's no way you can make me leave this cab.

Rape... rape... rape!

You may have a little trouble getting that story to stick when the police find out I'm the National Secretary for the Gay Liberation Force.

We'll be there in a few minutes.

Next time be a little more careful who you try and rip off.

Look, Mister, I realize we've had our differences but you owe me $2.85.

Here's a dollar. I'm not paying for the scenic route.

Hey, wait a minute, Mister!

Mister, you forgot your briefcase.

Oh.

Hey, come back here!

He's faster than he looks.

Come on, come on.

Jacks or better.

All right, give me something good.

Not if I can help it.

Oh, sweet heaven.

Did I tip my hand again?

Only to the trained eye.

Why do I do that all the time?

Hi, guys.

Hey, Elaine. What do you say?

I'm not sure.

I just had a really bad fare today.

Hey, Bobby, she thinks she had a bad fare.

What happened?

I had the QANTAS koala bear get carsick in my cab.

And you don't want to know what a koala bear does when he gets carsick.

Hey, Alex, could I talk to you for a moment?

Huh? Yeah, sure.

Deal me out.

I'll sit in for you.

What's wrong?

I feel really strange.

Why? What is it?

Well, you know that art gallery where I work part-time?

And where they treat me like I was some sort of receptionist?

Yeah. You mean the place where you work as a receptionist.

Yeah. Well, they let me design their new window display for their new exhibit and everybody loved what I did.

Now, it's just staring out on Madison Avenue.

People are even congratulating me.

No wonder you're down.

You realized your lifelong ambition.

I know, but it just doesn't seem like my life, you know.

Things like this never happen to me.

That's why I got a little crazy and I pushed.

I invited them all to a party, and they accepted.

Oh, hey, sounds like you're on a roll.

Let me know how it turns out.

I was kind of hoping that maybe you'd come.

See, I'd really like to have one person there that I don't care about impressing.

How can I turn down an invitation like that?

Yeah, and one more thing... When you're at the party can you remember that nobody knows that I'm a cab driver?

See, if they knew I drove a cab at night they'd find it a little unusual.

I can't afford to be unusual yet.

So you actually lie about your job?

I don't lie. I fudge.

I'm kind of hoping that maybe you won't tell them that you're a cab driver, either.

Oh, no. I won't do that, Elaine.

Oh, come on... Nope!

It's one little thing.

No, it's not just one little thing.

Hey, sure it is. Ask anybody.

Hey, guys, can you believe him?

He won't tell one little lie for me.

The only guy I know that never told a lie was my dad.

Come on. Never?

Nope. He once told me

"John, remember your father's words.

"The liar's punishment is not that he is not believed but that he cannot believe anyone else."

John, George Bernard Shaw said that.

He did?

Your father was George Bernard Shaw?

Alex, Can we talk about this?

What do you want him to lie about?

Maybe I can do it for you.

I'm throwing a party Friday night.

Hey, it's a little short notice, but I can make it.

Why are you having a party on Friday night?

We're all going to miss a lot of business.

Well, actually guys, this is a party I'm throwing for the people at my art gallery.

Who cares, the more, the merrier. Right?

They don't understand.

Oh, I get it.

We're not invited.

How come we can't go to the party too?

'Cause we're nobodies.

We're stupid, ignorant, low-life cabbies.

Oh.

What do you think, Latka?

( Speaking native tongue )

Latka, in English.

If they don't come, I don't come.

I'm sorry. They can't come.

All right, then I come without them.

All right! All right!

You can come.

If it means that much to you.

If it doesn't matter to you that you screw me up with my bosses or ruin the one chance I have to send my kids to a decent school then, by all means, just come to my party.

What's the address?

Hey, you come with me.

I know where it is.

Thank you very much.

Let's go get something to eat, and I'll tell you about my outfit.

Hey, Elaine, hey, don't worry about us.

Nobody's gonna know we're taxicab drivers.

Come on. We'll cover it up. All right?

Okay.

All right.

See you later, Alex.

Ahem!

You're in luck.

Looks like you got a chance to nab Louie for your guest list.

Yeah, I might give your party a tumble.

Perhaps some of those art-world cuties might want me to pose for them au naturel.

Louie, you're not invited.

What do you mean?

I mean if you're even seen in the vicinity of my apartment Friday night I'll have you arrested.

Oh, really not invited.

Okay. Who needs you?

Come on let's get this garage back to normal!

Hey, Latka! You finish cleaning that cab yet?

Phew!

Who drive a sick koala bear?

( Doorbell ringing )

Alex?

Yeah.

( Sighs )

Hi.

Hi.

Did I get the wrong night?

No, this is the night.

Well, don't bother to introduce me.

I'll just mingle.

How are you?

I played a little trick on you, Alex. Oh?

I told you the wrong time so that you'd get here early.

Great trick. Why?

Well, see, you're doing me a favor.

Now that you're here, no one has to go through the embarrassment of arriving first.

You know how uncomfortable that can be.

I can only imagine.

Besides, I'm a little insecure about this party and I wanted someone to tell me how nice the place looks.

Well, you can start anytime.

Oh, yes.

It looks great.

No, it really does.

I like that.

Oh, and I like that.

And I really like this.

Thanks.

You know, this was hard.

I had to borrow some furniture and move the kids' beds upstairs.

I'm really knocking myself out for this party.

But I think I'm going to be okay as long as my cheese puffs are a hit.

Oh...

Delicious.

Take it from a puff man.

So, is there anything I've overlooked?

Oh, uh... persons.

They're coming. Anything else?

Something for persons to drink.

That's a little bit of a problem.

You see, I used a discount liquor store.

I don't want anyone to see the labels.

They're kind of off-brands.

Like what?

Ever heard of Betty's vodka?

Gentlemen never tell.

Can I make a suggestion?

Why don't you put the stuff in a punch bowl and add ginger ale and juices.

Oh, that's a great idea.

There you go.

You know, I never even thought about mixing.

Oh... I just hope I got enough champagne.

How much did you get?

12 Cans.

Canned champagne?

I guess for those macho gourmets who like to crush something after a sip.

( Doorbell ringing )

Oh, Alex, this is it!

Now, now, just relax. Relax.

They're just people.

There's always the exception to the rule.

Party time for Latka?

Not until you take off those overalls.

Oh, this is good party.

No! No! Latka!

You've got to change into nicer clothes.

Oh... ( speaking native tongue )

In truck... ( speaking native tongue )

You think it's all right to have him here?

Are you kidding? He's my pick for the life of the party.

Oh, Alex, are you sure everything looks okay?

Elaine, believe me. The apartment looks wonderful.

Now will you just relax.

Okay. Okay.

Hey, you know, you may not believe this, but I've really calmed down a lot since you got here.

Yeah, I can see that.

Oh, um, but could I just ask you one more little favor?

Yep.

If you tell these people that you're a cab driver they'll ask how you know me, and you'll give everything away.

Elaine, is that the real reason you got me over here early? Huh?

Oh, come on. How could you do that?

How could you do a thing like that?

Come on, Alex. This is a cocktail party.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Why do you have to come on so super-ethical anyway?

I am not ethical, Elaine.

I am... chicken.

I don't lie for the simple reason I am afraid of getting caught.

There's nothing more embarrassing than getting caught in a lie.

Besides, if you don't lie you don't have to try to remember what you said.

Okay. Okay.

If it happens, it happens.

All right. All right.

I'm not going to lie but I won't say anything if I'm not asked. Okay?

Okay. Thanks.

Mm-hmm.

( Doorbell ringing )

Party overalls.

Now you're talking.

Neat.

Latka learn party talk.

Yeah.

"What are you drinking?

"Aren't there a lot of phonies here?

"Let's go to my place.

Was it good for you?"

You've been teaching him.

Not me. I was going to ask for a copy myself.


Looks like your party's a hit, Elaine.

Yeah, so far, so good.

I'm a little worried about the guys.

They don't seem to be mingling.

Yeah, only with each other.

Hey, it's your turn, Tony. How did your parents meet?

It was in Italy... Come on, you guys.

I want you to meet some people.

That's okay, we already have.

Yeah, I think we're just going to shove off.

Ah, why?

Because, we don't fit in.

We're the kind of guys who like to have fun.

Thanks a lot, Elaine.

Bye-bye.

Take it easy, Alex.

Great punch.

Bye.

Stop envying them.

Mrs. Hazeltine?

Oh. Thank you, Elaine.

These are delicious.

Thank you.

I love your paintings.

Really?

But I don't recognize the artist.

As a matter of fact, I live with the artist.

You what?

It's my daughter.

Oh.

Except the one of the bunny rabbit.

That was done by my ex-husband.

We've been talking about the new exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art.

Have you seen it?

Oh, yes, I have. Twice.

Did you like the Magritte drawings?

Oh. Um... would you excuse me for a moment?

There's something I've got to take care of.

All right.

Alex... one of the biggest art dealers in New York just asked my opinion of an exhibit.

Oh, terrific.

Give it.

Oh.

Thank you very much.

Going to go now.

Well, I'm glad you could come, Latka.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Eh, aren't there a lot of phonies here?

Let's go to my place.

For you.

Come on. Come on.

It must be the way he says it.

Boy, this champagne is terrific, huh?

I wonder what kind it is.

Del Monte.

My name is Paul.

I write for Art News.

Oh, I'm Alex.

What do you do, Alex?

Oh, this and that.

Sounds interesting.

This and that what?

I, uh... sort of free-lance.

Oh, you're a free-lance painter.

No.

Alex.

Okay, Elaine, you win.

I put out oil fires.

I beg your pardon?

When an oil well catches on fire they call me in to put it out.

Sounds dangerous.

Yeah, well, I only get the easy ones.

You see, the main thing that got me into this line of work...

Oh, I'm sorry. Just reflex.

You see, uh...

Actually, the thing that pulled me into being an oil-fire putter-outer is that it never gets boring.

Nope. All holocausts may look alike but each one has a personality all its own.

If you'll excuse me, I'd like to freshen my drink for a moment, I'll be right back.

Thanks, Alex.

I know that wasn't easy for you.

Easier than I thought.

It's just your luck for this party I watched Search for Adventure.

I've never been the life of a party before like this.

I sort of like fudging.

Do you really fight fires?

Oh, yes, yes.

Yes, yes.

What is the biggest fire you ever put out?

Well, actually, I had 12 wells go up at one time.

I'm Rita.

I'm Alex.

Aren't there a lot of phonies here?

I know.

Do you mind if I say something candid?

If it's about the champagne, I had nothing to do with it.

I find you very attractive.

I appreciate your candor.

I don't usually say things like that to guys.

I hope you don't mind.

Well, I'll forgive you if you'll forgive the cheer I'm about to deafen you with.

Have dinner with me after the party.

At least.

A brief dinner.

( Doorbell ringing )

Alex... that guy is the same guy I had the fight with in front of the gallery the other night.

Really? That's nice.

In my cab.

Elaine, please.

He must be a friend of Mrs. Hazeltine's.

Oh, no. No.

Elaine, I'd like you to meet my very dear friend, James Broderick.

How do you do?

We've met.

We have?

Haven't we?

I'm sorry, I don't place you.

Oh.

My mistake.

Well, I'm so glad that you've come.

Would you help yourself to some refreshments?

Thank you.

He didn't recognize me.

That's terrific.

He looked right into my face and there was no sign of recognition.

He didn't know me. He didn't know me?

Elaine, what are you doing?

I'll never forget him. Never.

I mean, we really had a fight.

I can't believe he looked through me like that.

I was nothing to him, just a faceless cab driver.

Elaine, please.

He needs a reminder.

Elaine, now, a lot of people aren't happy unless they screw things up that are really going well.

Now, this is a very nice party.

I mean, these people are very important to you.

I'm even trying to enjoy myself.

Elaine, why don't you just forget it, hmm?

Elaine. Take a deep breath.

Take a deeper one.

That's my girl.

Thanks.

So you don't remember me, huh?!

Sure, I do.

I just met you 30 seconds ago.

I picked you up in my taxi four nights ago on Madison Avenue.

She's a taxi driver.

And you accused me of trying to cheat you on a fare.

That was you?

That was me.

How can you yell into a face for 15 minutes and then forget the face you yelled into?

Do you really mean it?

You're a cab driver?

Yes, I am.

I was right.

I find that rather hard to believe.

Well, I am.

Alex and I are both cab drivers.

What do you do for a living?

Excuse me.

Alex?

Don't talk to me, Elaine.

You're going to stay here till we're friends again.

Then we'll both grow old together.

Well, if it means anything to you I just want you to know that I will always be grateful that you taught me to simply tell the truth. Elaine.

I only wish the truth worked for you too.

I'm not going to talk to you about it.

At least yell at me.

That will make you feel better.

You're not going to talk about it.

Nope. I'm just going to sit here and drink your champagne.

What I don't understand is...

What's the big deal about it?

I'll tell you what's the big deal about it.

A man waits all his life for a woman like that.

What's so great about her?

What's so great about her?

She's the kind of woman only firefighters get.

She just walks up to you looks you straight in the eye and says...

"Do you mind if I say something candid?

"I find you very attractive.

"I don't usually say things like that.

I hope you don't mind."

It sounded better when she said it.

It sounded like once in a lifetime when she said it.

It sounded terrible when she stopped saying it.

You know, I have a feeling you're gonna hear from her again.

Yeah, I could sort of tell from the way she acted towards the end.

She called me garbage.

There you go.

Hey, you know how women feel about garbage.

Always wondering if what you've thrown out was important so you start digging through it until you find it again.

Elaine, don't try to make me feel better, okay?

Let's just go back to my sitting here and you looking at me... feeling awful.

She spit on my shoes.

What I really feel bad about is how great everything turned out for me... people admiring the way I hold down two jobs to support my family.

They're saying how great I am, you know and how terrific and open and honest I am for telling people I'm a cab driver.

Even that fare turned out to be a great guy forcing that tip on me?

This is going to pay for the party.

I'm leaving.

Alex, please forgive me.

I can't believe you won't forgive me.

I'll die if you don't forgive me.

Oh, Alex.

You're maybe my best friend.

I forgive you.

You mean it?

I don't know with those wild stories you're telling, you know?

Yes, I mean it.

From now on, I'm going to have to go back to telling the truth, only the truth.

Thank you for inviting me to your party, Elaine.

I had a wonderful time.

( Theme music playing )


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )