Taxi S1E9 Script

Money Troubles (1978)

( Theme music playing )

LOUIE: Let's go, Rieger.

Heave the old tush this way.

Where's your friend Burns?

John? Out somewhere. I don't know. Why? Is it important?

I want to give him a kiss.


I got a driver waiting for his cab who makes us a profit.

Would you give him a break, Louie?

The guy just got married. They're both in school.

They need all the money they can get.

That's not for me to know.

All right.

A good dispatcher has got to be impersonal, separate, aloof.

That's why you notice I never fraternize with you drivers.

I thought that was our choice.

Just don't tell me about the newlyweds and their hard times.

I don't want to hear.

I don't want to know.

I don't give a damn.

Just one thing bothers me.

What's that?

Why hasn't the young couple invited me to dinner?

After all you've done for them.

Okay, Latka, now try this one.

Are you hungry?

Oh, polishing up for tonight's dinner conversation, huh, Latka?


I am so hungry I could eat a dog.

Not quite, huh, Latka?

No, Latka, it's not "I could eat a dog."

It's "I could eat a horse."

Eat horse?


You'd rather eat a dog?

Okay, Latka, come on. Back to work.

Now, let's say you walk in, okay?

You walk in, and you look around, and you say... Please pass the salt.

No, Latka. You look around, and you say, "My, what a lovely apartment."

My, what a lovely apartment.

Please pass the salt.

No. Soon. Soon.

He likes salt.

Okay, now, let's say that you walk in, and they put you at the table, right?

And they give you some food, and they say, "Are you hungry?"

And you say, "I'm so hungry I could eat a..."



Uh... bear?


Please pass the salt. Pass the salt.

I was waiting for that.

Hi, fellas.

Hi, John. Hi, John.

Guys, you ready for tonight?

Oh, are we ever.

You hungry, Latka?

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.




Get over here.

Here you go.

Burns, I got a pencil in my hand, and I'm writing down the words, "Dinner... with... Burns."

Now, all I have to write down is when.

Oh, well, Louie, you see, right now...


Look, Louie, this isn't right.

I mean, down here you're my boss, and I do what you say.

But who I have in my home is my own business, and I won't be pressured about it.

All right.

All right.

I wasn't going to come, you know.

All I wanted was an invitation.

All you had to say was, "Louie, come."

And I would say, "Thanks, but no, because I make it a policy never to fraternize with the help."

But no! You couldn't even do me that little courtesy.

You hurt me, Burns.

Uh... Louie...

Would you come to dinner with Elaine next week?

I'd be delighted.

It's 8:00 p.m.?

SUZANNE: John, would you taste this?

Oh, sure.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

I burned my tongue.

Let me kiss it and make it better.


Gee, I can hardly wait for my first sunburn.

( Knocking )

There they are.


Uh... okay.


Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi, Latka.


My, what a lovely apartment.

Oh, thanks, Latka.

Oh, these are for you.

Oh, thanks.

I think I've got a vase.

Want wine?

I make myself.

Thanks, Latka.

Hey, look, honey, homemade wine.

Oh, great. Is it red or white?


I'll open it.

Dinner is almost ready.

Are you guys hungry?

Are you kidding?

I could eat a horse.

What's wrong?

I think I stole his line.

I'm sorry, Latka.

( Speaking native language )

I said I'm sorry, Latka.


I'll pour us four glasses of Latka's wonderful, uh...

different, huh?

I made with... I made with honey.

Oh, really?

How unusual.

Yeah, it goes equally as well with fish or meat or... waffles.

Oh, uh, does anyone know a really long toast?


That's it, huh?

Well, good luck.

Hey, that's not bad.

Good, Latka.

You know, I sort of like it.


No. That's enough. Thank you.

( Phone ringing )

Honey, you serve this.

I'll get that.

Start without me.

Gentlemen, dinner is served.

Oh, thank you.

Could you please pass the salt?

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

I swear it will never happen again.



You must give me your recipe, my dear.

It's just a salad, Latka.

You must give me recipe.

I think you'd better.

Lettuce and tomato.

Thank you very much.

Daddy says hello.

Oh. Anything new?


Suzanne's parents have just been great.

Do you know they pay our rent?

Oh, was that a secret?

Something wrong, Suzanne?

No! No, it's nothing.

Will you stop, Suzanne?

Come on. What is it?

Later, okay?


( Thumping )

( Banging )

Boy, I sure love these little tomatoes.

I used to hate the little guys, but then, one day, boom, I love them.

Just like that.

I still hate big tomatoes.

Look, I'm all out of tomato banter.

Can we try something else?

Oh, I'm sorry. I got some upsetting news.

If you want us to leave, it's okay.

No, no, Alex. We wouldn't think of it.

Honey, this is Alex.

We have nothing to hide from him... or Latka.

( Speaking native language )

Come on, honey. You'll feel better.

All right.

Well, my folks just bought a condominium in Florida.

Oh, honey, that's okay.

That's not it.

They're moving in two weeks.

Oh, honey, that's okay.

That's not it either!

They won't be paying our rent anymore.

Suzanne, what are we going to do?

I don't know.

( Banging )

Gee whiz, Suzanne Why did you have to tell us now for?

John, you told me to!

Yeah, but you knew what it was.

You like cauliflower?

I always hated cauliflower.

There. You see what you did?

He's gone back to vegetables.

Listen, I know this is serious, but...

No, Alex. You don't understand.

We're wiped out.

We counted on her parents' money to get by.

We're down to the bone as it is.

And now, with this drop in our income, I don't know how we're going to make it.

Suzanne might have to quit school...

Why don't you quit school?

Why should I quit school?


Yes, you!

I'm not saying you should be the one to quit school.

Oh, yeah? I'm just saying it's an open question.

Yeah. We both have plans for our careers.

I want to be a nurse, and you want to be a... forest ranger.

Forestry! It's called forestry!

I'll get a degree just like a nurse, and then I'll go to graduate school, and then...

Then you'll go out and save Bambi's mother.

Boy, you make me mad!

You make me want to, uh...

Melmac. You see that?

Ever since I married you, I'm too poor to even get mad good.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, too.

I'm sorry about this, Alex, but I just got to get out of here and take a walk.

Come on, Latka. I think we'd better go.

Eh, wait... wait a minute.


Let's do this again sometime.

Hey, Alex, what's going on?

Oh, money trouble.

A little short, huh?

No, a little long.

You wouldn't think that having too much money would be a problem, would you?


Well, it is. A big one.

How do you get it?

Get what?

Alex has too much money.


No, no. That's not what I'm talking about.

Why don't you tell us about it, Alex.

It's not really my problem.

A couple of friends of mine have money troubles and, well, I think I can help them.

I just don't know whether I should help them.

Do we know them?

Well, what's the difference?

Well, if we know them, we can all help out.

How much do they need?


I don't think we know them.

Hey... Hi.

Oh, John.

You don't look so good.

Well, I've been driving 16 hours straight, I've got impossible problems, and my marriage is over.

Well, in that case, you don't look so bad.

John, don't talk that way.

You just had a little disagreement with Suzanne, that's all.

No. It's more than that.

I mean it.

After you left, we cleared the table in silence.

In silence, we made the bed.

And then, in silence, we went straight to sleep.

Sounds like a nice, quiet evening.

Straight to sleep.

Do you hear what I'm saying, Alex?

For the first time in our married life Suzanne and I went straight to sleep.

Yeah, well, some people like the mornings.

This morning we went straight to work.

John, are you sure you want to talk about this because I for one, can live without it.

Straight to sleep, after one month of marriage.

I didn't figure that would happen for ten or 20 years.

Well, John, sometimes people just aren't in the mood.

Look, we were always in the mood.

Maybe some couples don't... every night, but we did, and it meant something very special to us and, last night, when we didn't...

I really missed it.

John, you know, maybe I'm not the one to give advice.

I mean, my marriage didn't last that long itself, but one thing I'm really sure about.

There's two words that can fix just about anything that goes wrong in a marriage...

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry."

I thought of that myself.

I'm going to go home right now.

Thanks a lot, Elaine.

I'm proud of you.

Just say the words.

Be nice.

Just one thing. How do I get her to say it?

Suzanne, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. too.


Let's not fight anymore.

We're so silly.

I know.

But now it's all behind us.



Except for one thing.

Oh? What's that?

Well, we're still too poor for both of us to go to school.


Look, Suzanne, I have an idea.

Now, this may sound crazy... but, but, but let's not think about school, okay?

We'll think about something entirely different...

Something else...

And then maybe, when we're involved in an entirely different matter, just maybe the answer will pop right into our heads.

A very interesting theory, John.

What did you have in mind?

Well, I was thinking maybe we could go jogging, or we could go in the bathroom and scrape those daisies off the bathtub.

I hate jogging, and I like the daisies.

All right.

( Knocking )

What? Hello.

It's me. Alex.


Uh, just a minute.

It's stuck.

Are you okay?

All right? All right?




Alex. What a surprise.

Hey, listen. I can come back.

Oh, no, no.

Whatever it is, let's get it over with.

Please, sit down.



Gee, I always wanted one of those.

A couch that converts to a high chair.

Listen, the reason I came over is I was thinking of loaning you the money you need.

Oh, Alex... No, no, please. Let me finish.

I'm really not sure that loaning you the money is such a good idea because, see, I've loaned money to friends a few times in my life.

It's not only getting the money back, although that's a very important factor.

It's just a question of how it affects the relationship between...

Did I mention that getting the money back is important?

I covered that, huh?

You sure? Oh, yes, yes.

Okay. It's just that... well, you end up by losing friends a lot of the time, and I don't know what I would do without those warm evenings as your dinner guest and, uh... You get what I'm saying?

I'm saying, do you want it in cash or a check?

Oh... Alex, I really love you for making that offer.

Yeah, yeah. So how do you want to work this?

I can't, Alex.

I mean, it's terrific of you to offer, but there's no way I can take that kind of money from you.

You sure?

I'm sure.

Uh, don't you think we should discuss this, John?

Huh? Huh?

Oh, yeah. Why don't you talk it over with Suzanne for a second and... while I go to the bathroom?

Alex, there's no need for you to go to the bathroom. I know how I feel.

Yes, there is. I know how I feel.

Are you upset?

Oh, just about little stuff.

I didn't know he was coming.

There are no towels in the bathroom.

And, besides that, I cannot figure out why it's okay to take money from my folks but not your friends when it comes to something as important as our education.

You're absolutely right.

It wasn't okay, either, to take money from your folks, and I knew that whenever they called us up and told us that they were moving to Florida and couldn't pay our rent anymore.

I mean, here they were, calling up with great news.

Instead of us being excited for them, we were miserable for us.

Right away, I was a different person.

I resented your folks.

I resented you.

I resented Florida.

I just can't take that money from Alex.

Look, I love going to bed every night being real proud of myself.

I'm working hard.

I've got a beautiful girl beside me.

We're starting out great.

I wouldn't feel great going to bed every night wondering how much I owed Alex, or whether I should even have taken it from him in the first place.

Is it so terrible to say that I want peace of mind?

So that's what that silly smile is on your face every night.

That's peace of mind.

You bet.

I sure would miss that smile.

What's the answer then?

The only alternative is that one of us leave school.

Well, then, maybe one of us should leave school.

Which one?

Well, I guess the only fair way to settle this is to flip a coin.

It seems crazy to have our lives running on one flip of a coin.


Heads or tails?

I don't believe we're doing this.



Tails... I drop out of school.

Heads... you drop out of school.


Good luck.

You, too.

Here goes.

It's heads.


Well, I guess that's that, then.

I'll quit at the end of this semester.

Oh, Suzanne!

( Sobbing )

Oh, John, it's okay.

I'll just be a nurse a little later, that's all.

You don't understand.

I lied.

It was tails.

I just want to go to school so bad!

Look, I'll go nuts if I'm a cab driver the rest of my life.

Please, let me go to school.

No. I can't ask that. What am I turning into here?

No, you go to school, and that's it!

And I'll go to school.

We'll take the money from Alex.

It will be okay.

We'll pay him back.

All right.

It doesn't feel quite that bad.



Alex, uh... We talked it over.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

And we feel that borrowing money can really hurt a friendship.

I know. I know.

But, Alex, we decided that our friendship can stand the strain, and we'll borrow as much money as you've got.


Oh, what would we do without you?

Just another day in the life of Alex Rieger, super jerk.

Oh, Nardo.

Getting excited about next Tuesday, hmm?

What's next Tuesday?

Ooh, ain't you the cool one.

Next Tuesday, as if you didn't know, is when you and me are going to John's to dinner...

Our big date.

Well, it's not a date, Louie.

Boy, we're going to have tongues wagging that night.

Huh, toots?

Just give me the receipt.

Louie, you and I are separately invited to the same place.

It's a coincidence, that's all.

You say coincidence.

I say destiny.

And dinner's just a foot in the door.

After that... it's a couple of late-night drinks, a little disco dancing, and then magic time.

Louie, I want you to listen very carefully to what I have to say.


Okay, if you don't want to ride a rocket to the stars, that's your business.


Of course, if I want to tell everyone you did, that's my business.

Okay, and if I want to tell everyone you couldn't, that's my business.

Here's your receipt.

Get out of here.

Night, Mr. Walters.