Taxi S2E1 Script

Louie and the Nice Girl (1979)

( Theme music playing )

Zena's here to fill the candy machine.

Hi, gang!

I got it, man! I'm in!

( Shouting )

I got here for the first time.

Can you believe this?

A bunch of adults fighting over a candy bar.

Hold that thought, Bobby, she's brought malted balls.

Oh, yeah?

Bobby, seniority, seniority...

No, wait, I'm second.

Hey, Zena, how you doing?

Terrific, thanks.

Hey, Tony...

Here's that organic shampoo I was telling you about.

Oh, thanks, Zena. What do I owe you?

First one is free. Then after I get you hooked...

You know, Zena, my kids just love those puppets you made for them.

Thanks again, really.

Oh, that's okay. Bobby, you know, I went to see that O'Neill revival you were telling me about.

Oh, yeah? What did you think?

I thought that the only thing that could have made it better was you in it.

Oh, you noticed that, too, huh?

Out of the way, out of the way!

No! Hey! No!

Out of the way or I'll call you last for a cab.

Oh! Oh!

It's so easy.


The first Baby Ruth.


Why does the first one always taste the best?

How should we know?

You always eat the first one.

Oh, silly me.

You may now resume fighting over the stale ones.

Well, it's something.

Oh, hey, Zena?

Have you got change for a dollar because...?

Zena? Hey!

Oh, sorry.

Boy, he's really something, isn't he?


Hoo! There's an exterminator who wants him to pose for the side of his truck.

He must take a lot of ribbing from you drivers.

Yeah, none of it's good-natured.

Now, I guess that's natural making fun of the boss.

Bet you don't even notice how cute he is.





I don't know, maybe it's me.

Maybe I just get turned on by powerful men.


Yeah. You know, all these weeks watching him up there keeping this huge operation humming.

Boy, if I wasn't so shy, I'd...

Uh, you'd what?

Oh, Elaine... would you introduce me to him?


Oh, Zena, um, that's not a good idea.

Why not?

It's a bad idea.

Oh, I see what you're trying to say.


You want him for yourself.

( Screams )

Hey, what happened?

Zena says I want Louie for myself.

( Screams )

What are you talking about?

Then I take it you don't.

No! Then there's no problem.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What's the problem there isn't one of?

Zena wants to meet Louie.

I could never do it on my own.

I need somebody to introduce me.

I'm trying to save her from herself, but...

I mean, I got nothing to worry about, right?

I mean, who in this garage is going to introduce her to Louie?

Elaine, damn it, she's an adult. You don't lead people's lives.

Hey, Zena, I'll introduce you to Louie.

What would you like me to say?

Say you think we'd like each other.


You're going to say that?

That's what she wants me to say, and that's what I'm going to say.

Come on, Zena.

Stay close by me.

He's not in a cage for nothing.

All right, listen up here, everybody!

New rule here, new rule.

Yes, we do take out cabs with bald tires.

We do.

Hey, uh, Louie... Louie?


Louie, I'd like you to meet Zena Sherman.

Zena, Louie DePalma.

Zena wanted to meet you.

Oh, yeah?


I think maybe you'll, uh... like each other.


How do you do?


All right, if you'll excuse me now, I'll leave you two alone.

I have to get some bald tires on the road.

I like your goodies.

How long you been in this sweets field?

Almost a year now.

You do it very well.

Um... my cousin is getting married tomorrow night.

Would you like to go to the wedding?

It's a free dinner.

Thank you.

I'd really like to.


Uh, oh, and it is a wedding, so dress up a little, okay?

What are you looking at me for?

She wanted me to introduce her, so I introduced her.

So, what's the big deal?

It's just one date.

What's the worst thing that can happen?

She could have his baby.

( Screams )


Sorry I'm late... ( chortles )

But Zena and I had another one of those nights.

I didn't even have time to change.

You'll have to excuse my attire.

She ripped the shirt off my back.

But I guess when you're burning the candle at both ends for five weeks straight, you're going to have to pay the price.

Give me three cards, all right?

He's driving me crazy.

There's only one consolation in this whole sordid affair.

Yeah, what's that?

I didn't introduce them.

All right, now remember our agreement:

Nobody asks him nothing.

ALEX: Right.

I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

I'm only human, I mean.

( Chortles )

How much pleasure can one man endure?

Isn't anybody the least bit curious as to why I didn't have time to change this morning or yesterday, or the day before, ad infinitum?

What do you got, what do you got?

I got nothing.

Alex, I thought at least you would be interested in the intimate details.

After all, you are kind of responsible.

( Chortles )

I don't want you to do that anymore.

Do what?

( Mimics chortling )

I don't do that.

Yes, you do, you do it almost continuously.

I don't!

Yes, you do. You do it every time you mention Zena.

( Chortles )

You just did it.

I did? Really?

I don't even know I'm doing it.

I'll tell you what:

The next time I do it, hold up your hand.

Look, I don't have to hold up my hand.

You do it every time you mention her name!

You're crazy!


( Chortles )

I don't even realize I'm doing it.

But I'll tell you one thing, Rieger, you'd be hee-hee-heeing, too, if you were having experiences with a woman like...

Go away.

I got to tell somebody.

I don't even let people I like touch my hair.

Whisper in my ear and you'll be whispering for life.


Hey, Louie, they want you upstairs.


Listen, Zena is going to be in any minute now.

Tell her that I'm going to pick her up tonight at 8:00 sharp.

We're going to go out to dinner.

At least, we're going to try to go out to dinner.

That's what I say every night.

♪ Macho, macho man ♪

♪ I've got to be a macho man ♪

♪ I'm a macho man... ♪ I'll tell you, I just can't understand Zena.

You know what my theory is?

My theory is that, since she's not a stupid person she must see some quality in Louie that we've always missed.

Yeah, my theory is that Louie must have some redeeming virtue that we've always overlooked.

My theory is, Zena is nuts.

That makes more sense.

Hi, everybody!

Hey, Zena, how you doing? Oh, hi, Zena.

Hey, Alex, could I talk to you for a minute, alone?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, would you guys...?

Okay, shoot.

I know I'm imposing, but I hoped you wouldn't mind.

I mean, you did bring Louie and me together.

I have a feeling when I die, they'll put that on my stone.


Uh, it's kind of personal.

It embarrasses me to talk about it.


All right, we've been seeing each other for five weeks, and, uh, being normal, healthy adults it's natural we'd have some physical involvement.


So why haven't we?

I mean, you know Louie.

What is it?

Why won't he touch me?

You mean he hasn't touched you?

I can't even get him to hold my hand.

( Stifled laughter )

Gee, Zena, that's too bad.

( Stifled hysterical laughter )

Good evening, everybody.

( Chuckles )

Sorry I can't join you, but I got a hot date tonight.

( Imitates sizzling )

Well, maybe I'll stick around for just one.


Yeah... beer?

Yeah, beer.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Zena doesn't expect me for another half hour, and I like to be a little late so she's really chomping at the bit.

( Chortles )

Uh, Louie...

I know. I did it on purpose.

Boy, oh boy, I finally found a girl who can keep up with me.

Ugh! Jeez!

She's jealous!

( Chuckles )

Louie, Zena and I had a long talk today about things that happened and about things that didn't happen.

You did?

Uh, excuse us.

Alex has this problem.

It'll be okay. Don't worry, relax. You...

She's lying.

Yeah? Why would she lie?

I don't know... she just is.

Alex, it's me against her.

How do you know I'm lying?

Oh, yeah.

All right, Louie, it's over.

No more talk about Zena, you understand?

Alex, Alex, I don't want you to leave with the wrong idea.

Let me explain. Now look, Louie, I heard enough out of you today, all right?


I got to open up to someone.

You're the only one I almost can stomach.

Aah, come on.

Alex, if you won't do it out of compassion...

Out of pure humanity...

Would you do it for money?

You want to pay me to listen?

I want you to do for me what you do for Bobby and Tony and the other guys.

Well, I am a little short this week.

Well, all right...

Great! How much you want?

Well, that depends on what you have to say.

Sit down.

All right.

All right, here it is.

Here's the truth.

It's her fault.

20 bucks.

20 dollars? Are you crazy? For "her fault"?!

20 bucks.

( Groans )

You see, it's because she's...

I mean, how do I put this?

Alex... she's my first.

Oh, come on, Louie, she's not your first.

Everybody knows that when you were driving a cab and tourists wanted to find out where the women were, you didn't tell them, you took them.

And whenever possible, you joined them.

Hold on, I don't want you to get the wrong idea.

I've had my share of women, and then some, and I've always left them happy.

I can't tell you how many told me, "Louie, this is crazy, I should pay you!"

That'll be another ten.

That's fair.

Look, you see, my thing with Zena is different.

I mean, it's the first time I ever had a girl who calls me to find out if I got home all right.

The first one to just take a walk with me.

The first one to surprise me with little gifts.

She's the first girl that ever did this to me.

Don't do that.

I had to show you.

You haven't got enough money in your pocket for that one.

Alex, what I'm trying to tell you is that Zena is the first girl I've ever been out with... who...

the first girl I've ever been out with twice.

Oh, Zena's not your first girl, she's your first nice girl.

Yeah! And I can't handle it!

I mean, I was brought up believing that there was nice girls and girls you had fun with and there was no mixing of the two.

I like Zena... I really do.

But I can't even bring myself to kiss her.

Well, there's only one thing you can do, Louie:

Break up with this lovely, warm person who obviously feels a great deal for you and spend the rest of your life floating through meaningless affairs with cheap strangers who you'll have to pay to satisfy your disgusting physical lust.

Great advice.

( Knocking at door )


Hi, I'm almost ready.

I got you some flowers.


I threw them away.


Because that's the kind of guy I am.

We're not going out tonight.

Why not?

Because that's the kind of night this is.

I think you better sit down.

You look tired, Louie.

Want me to rub your feet?


Your shoulders? No.

That little vein in your head?

No rubbing.

I... I got something to say.

Sounds serious.

What is it?

Zena, I'm going to be straight with you.

We're splitting up. Good-bye.


You really want to drag this out, don't you?

I just want to know why.


There's someone else.

Oh, I see.


( Mutters ): Who?

Donna Summer.

We had a little spat before I met you.

I couldn't take the pressure of the racial thing.

And besides, she's always shaking it in front of other guys.

It got to me.

I told her, "I don't want you moaning on records anymore."

This morning she gave me a call, we...

Stop it, Louie. Just don't make up stories.

I think I deserve better than that.

I know what it is.

You think I'm too good for you.

Nah, you crazy?

It's just that you're too good, period.

I'm used to another kind of woman.

You're so nice.

I can't ever even think of... relating to you in a nonverbal manner.

Oh, I see.

Louie, you know, when people like each other a lot they should be able to work things out.

I'm willing to try.

I'm nuts about you, Louie.

Well, you-you're hocking me all the time, right?

I mean, let me ask you a question.

Why are you nuts about me?

To tell you the truth, I've been asking myself that question.

My friends have been asking me that question, my parents.

The doorman's been asking me that question.

I don't know what to tell them.

But I know what to tell you.

You touch me.

Holy crap!

You know, all those nights when you left me at my doorstep I'd go into my bedroom and cry.

Take me to the place you cry.

What's going on?

I can't go in there, Zena!

Oh, open it!

No... I'm sorry.

( Banging on door )

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but this is really the end.

Okay, Louie!

All right.

Louie, would you just do me one last favor?

What's that?

How about a good-bye kiss?


It would mean a lot to me.

"It would mean a lot to me..."

All right!

Well, so long...

( moans )

You can go now, Louie.

That's easy for you to say.

( Chuckles )



( Chortles )

( Theme music playing )

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )