Taxi S2E11 Script

Latka's Revolting (1979)

( Polka music playing over radio )

( Disc jockey speaking in Latka's native language )

What's Latka listening to?

There's a New York radio station that broadcasts in Latka's language every day for a couple of hours.

Oh, it must be nice to keep in touch with home.

Bet he loves it.

Hey, Latka?

What?

What is that... the news?

Yeah, it's the news.

Just the usual thing... They devalued the broknik and the royal family is vacationing in Calcutta and... oh, Ippi Dongpres just set the new indoor pole-vaulting record for my country.

He jumped 12 feet.

Ah.

That's not so good, you know.

12 feet is way off the world record.

Yes, but remember the National Sports Arena has a ten-foot ceiling.

Ooh.

In that case, I'm impressed.

On the lighter side, it seems that a farmer made a mistake in the dark and tried to milk a billy goat.

What are you going to do?

JIM: Top of the morning!

It's 5:00 p.m., clam brain.

I think the boss is starting to warm up to me.

( Polka music over radio )

You just never know what Dylan's going to do next.

( News broadcast breaks in on radio )

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

( Speaking native language )

What's the matter?

What happened? What happened?

Adi-feebie! Adi-feebie!

ALL: Adi-feebie!

Adi-feebie! Adi-feebie!

Where the hell are you going?

You don't know what adi-feebie means.

So what?

Oh, no, The revolution!

The revolution has begun.

There is fighting in the streets.

The people have taken up arms.

Oh, no! What am I going to do?

My country, my friends, my family!

Latka, Latka, let me take you home.

We'll try to get in touch with your family.

It's okay, Louie?

You bet, Latka.

But this counts as your vacation.

Just be very careful, Louie.

The seeds of adi-feebie have been planted in our minds.

( All chanting ): Adi-feebie, adi-feebie adi-feebie, adi-feebie, Adi-feebie, adi-feebie...

LATKA: I must talk to you.

I am thinking of going home to fight in the revolution.

Yeah, Latka, I knew you'd have to face this decision.

Yes, well, it is a very difficult one.

Latka, listen to me very carefully.

Now, look, you're an American now, and your life is right here.

Nevertheless, you have great feelings of loyalty and deep concerns for your people right there.

However, as a new citizen of this country, your responsibilities are right here.

The only thing that I can think of that you could do right now is to make the best decision that you can.

Thank you very much for trying to help me.

Anytime, Latka.

I might as well have been talking to my wrench.

LOUIE: Latka!

Why don't you just get to work?

I think you've played this revolutionary baloney for all it's worth.

Okay, I'll go get my tools.

Jeesh.

ALEX: Louie, thank you for your great understanding of this terrible period in Latka's life.

( Growls )

( Grunts )

Hello.

I'm showing my face at you with pleasure.

I am meeting you, and how is it?

Somebody shut the doors or this place is going to be crawling with flies.

Thank you very much.

I would like to put my face into Mr. Latka Gravas to please me, yes?

Oh, you're from Latka's country?

Ibeeda.

Baschi!

Latka!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

BOTH: Boom-boom.

( Squealing )

I saw a couple of birds do that on Marlin Perkins once.

( Speaking native language )

Have you met my friends?

No, thank you.

Okay.

Tony, Bobby, Alex, Elaine... this is Baschi.

How do I do?

How do I do?

How do I do?

( Flirting in native language )

What's he saying?

He asks, "Have you read a good book lately?"

I can see the love of literature in his eyes.

TONY: Yo, Baschi.

How long you been in this country?

I came along with Latka.

Yes. You see, I stayed in New York, and he went on to Hollywood.

I went to Hollywood to movie producer become.

Ooh, how exciting.

So what have you done?

Uh, Sid's Carwash.

Who was in that one?

Me, Sid and 12 illegal aliens.

It was a real carwash.

Oh, you betcha.

But big plans I am making me.

Well, what are you doing in New York?

Oh, I am going home to fight in the revolution.

And, stopping here, I am to get Latka.

Baschi, ibeeda...

( speaking native language )

Oh, no Baschi, I am American now.

Oh, no.

( Speaking native language )

You must talk to me in American.

I am an American.

What, oh, sure, you are an American on the outside, with all your fine clothes.

But, on the inside...

( speaking native language )

Baschi, I have here my apartment, my job, my friends.

I am giving up the movie business.

It's no use.

I have thought it over, and I have decided...

♪ Ibeeda ibee-dorfnish, ibeeda ♪

♪ Ibeeda malka-morfnish, ibeeda ♪

♪ Ibeeda... ♪ BOTH: ♪ Ibeeda ibee-dabee yaktabay yakta-babee ♪

♪ Bilfkayo bilfka-yabe ♪

♪ Kerkaflik kerka-flumsmarch ibeeda ♪

♪ I-bee-da. ♪

I must go home.

ELAINE: Oh, why, Latka?

Well, because it is my country, and I love it.

And also because I am a general.

( Commanding in native language )

( Commanding )

Ip chick.

Ip chick.

Ip chick.

Ip chick.

( Sound off march )

Ip chick.

Ip chick.

Abee dabee.

Icki bicki.

Abee dabee, icki bicki, abee dabee, icki bicki!

Well, you know, everyone is here except Louie.

I wish he would come.

I always liked Louie.

Yeah, I know, and I always wondered why.

He calls you names, he yells at you, and still, you're nice to him.

Yeah, but think how he would treat me if I weren't.

Good point.

All right, hey, come on.

I want to make the first toast.

ALEX: Yeah, toast.

To the best mechanic around.

To one of the nicest guys that ever worked at the Sunshine Cab Company.

ALL: Hear! Hear!

Well, I have to go rotate.

You have to circulate.

Oh, boy. I am going to be very busy.

Oh, Alex, isn't there anything we can say to keep him here?

Elaine, he's made his decision.

No, we're not going to change his mind.

We'd only make him feel worse.

We're going to feel terrible if something happens to Latka, and we haven't done anything to stop him.

I mean, we're talking about war, for God's sake.

Hey, I'm the only one here was ever in a war, and I want to tell you, there's some positive things in it, too.

Oh, come on, Tony.

No, Elaine, I'm talking about friendships I'm talking about camaraderie.

You know, I never felt closer to another human being than I did to some of my buddies in Nam.

I remember one night, just before the Tet Offensive, I was sitting with two of my best buddies, Chuck and Matt.

Chuck said, "There's no way"

"the three of us are going to make it through this thing.

"Maybe one of us... All right, maybe two of us...

But definitely not three."

I want to tell you, we cried that night.

I ain't ashamed... We hugged that night.

What happened to Chuck and Matt?

I don't want to talk about it.

They didn't make it, huh?

No, they made it.

A year later, they married each other.

I heard they opened a roller-disco in L.A.

Old soldiers never die.

Latka, can I talk to you a minute?

Oh, yes. I know what you're going to say, Elaine.

"Latka, tonight is your last night here.

"Tomorrow you go to war, "so tonight I will give you my body to use as you will so that you will never forget me."

No, I wasn't going to say that.

But how about it?

Latka, sit down a minute.

Listen to me.

We know that you feel a tremendous obligation to this, but we're worried about you, and... and we're not going to think that you're a coward if you decide not to go.

Elaine, there is one thing you don't understand.

My troops need me.

Latka, I think it's great that you became a general at such a young age.

Oh, it is easy to be a general in my country.

The hard part is to be a living general.

Hello?

Did I say something wrong?

Come on, everybody, cheer up.

Here, I brought something for all of you to drink.

Here, it's brefnish from the old country.

I've been saving it for a special occasion.

See? Have some.

Well, cheers, everybody.

The line forms behind me.

( Polka music playing )

In the old country, they do it like this.

Hey, all right, Tony!

( Cheering and applause )

ELAINE: Okay, Bobby.

Alex!

Oh, come on.

ELAINE: Come on!


ALL: Yay!

Now, this is the part where we all strip to the waist and set fire to the barns in the village.

All right!

We'll save that for your coming-home party.

Yes, thank you.

Hey, Latka?

Yeah?

What is it, Jim?

Your mind's really made up about this, huh?

Yes, it is, Jim.

And nothing I say is going to change it?

No, Jim.

Well, there's only one thing left for me to do.

What's that?

I'm going with you.

We'll fight this thing together.

I haven't had a chance to prove it, but I'm as good American as any man.

No, no, Jim, Jim, America is not involved in this one.

It is now.

Death to the revolutionary rebels!

But I am fighting for the revolutionary rebels.

Death to the imperialist stooges!

But they were thrown out a long time ago.

Death to the puppet regime!

But there is no puppet regime.

Who the hell are we fighting?

The tyrannical despot.

Well, the tyrannical despot will soon know the name...

Jim...

Ignatowski!

Right.

Already, it's spreading.

LATKA: Louie!

Hi, Louie!

Oh, hello.

How are you?

It's so... wonderful for you to come to my party.

I didn't come to the party.

I came to bring you your severance pay.

Oh.

I forgot to give it to you when you left.

Oh, thank you.

Don't thank me.

If it was up to me, you wouldn't get a dime.

It's bad enough you're leaving the company, but you're running out on America, too.

You think I'm going to go to a party for a guy like that?

Thanks, but no thanks.

Good-bye, Louie.

I'm not done with you, Latka.

Come here.

I'll give you another chewing-out.

Come on outside here.

Come out here.

( Quiet murmuring )

LATKA: Thank you, Louie.

LOUIE: Shh!

Take care of yourself.

Better give this guy a drink.

I was pretty rough on him.

Louie, wait.

Why don't you come and join the party?

No, no.

Hey, Louie... you'd make us all feel miserable if you did.

Okay.

I knew he would come.

Well, I just don't want this evening to go without my making a toast.

To Latka... who fixed our cabs and made us smile and brightened our lives.

Your honor calls you hence, and all the gods go with you.

Upon your sword sit laurel victory, and smooth success be strewed before your feet.

That's beautiful, Bobby.

That was from Anthony and Cleopatra.

Oh. Well, thank them both for me.

As insane as war is, if the people in Latka's country are anything like Latka, they're worth fighting for.

Here's to Latka... his homeland, his people and his safe return.

Now I would like to make a toast.

To all my friends in America.

I came here as a stranger, and you all helped me and taught me, and I want you all to know that I love you very much.

( Marching )

( Sound off march )

Ip chick.

Ip chick.

Abee dabee.

Icki bicki.

Abee dabee, icki bicki, abee dabee, icki bicki!

Ip chick.

( Murmuring )

Shh!

Is time to go, Baschi?

Yeah.

( Speaking native language )

Good-bye, Alex.

Come back to us, Latka.

Okay.

Good-bye, Bobby.

Good-bye, Latka. Come back safe.

Okay, I'll try.

Good-bye, Tony.

Take it easy, Latka.

Good-bye, Elaine.

Good-bye, Latka.

Good-bye.

I am going to miss you.

Good-bye, Louie.

Good-bye, Latka.

Okay, I'm ready.

Oh, Latka...

I'm going to write to you every day. I promise.

Oh, thank you. And I will write to you, too.

Okay. Do you think, before you go, that maybe you could, like, draw a map of your country so that we know what you're talking about in your letters?

Do we have time, Baschi?

Yes, but quickly.

Hey, Tommy, you got that blackboard you used to use as menus?

TOMMY: Yeah. It's in the back. I'll get it.

LATKA: Baschi?

( Speaking native language )

Oh, excuse me, but I sure do know how to stink as an artist.

But here goes.

This is the borders... sort of.

And this is the capital.

And here is the river Meshmend.

And this is the Faptosh mountain range.

And where will you be?

Ah, the rebel stronghold is at the top of Mount Faptosh.

This is where.

Where are the government troops?

( Speaking native language )

( Speaks in native language )

( Speaks in native language )

( Speaking in native language )

Oy.

Uh... excuse me, Baschi...

but where are the rest of the rebel forces?

Right here.

Uh... wait.

Excuse me again, Baschi, but let me understand.

This is us?

That's right.

And this is them?

You betcha.

Well, now it's time for us to go.

No, no. Now is time for you to kiss my yaktabe.

Latka, Latka, where are you going?

Where are you going?

I'm going home to watch the Tonight Show.

♪ Ibeeda ibee-dorfnish ibeeda... ibeeda ♪

♪ Ibeeda malka-morfnish ibeeda... ibeeda ♪

♪ Ibeeda ibee-dabee... ♪

♪ I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy... ♪

♪ ...bilfka-yabe, kerkablik... ♪

♪ ...Do or die ♪

♪ A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam ♪

♪ Born on the fourth of July ♪

♪ I've got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart ♪

♪ She's my Yankee Doodle joy ♪

♪ Yankee Doodle went to London just to ride the ponies ♪

( blows whistle )

♪ I am that Yankee Doodle boy. ♪

( All cheering )


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Walters mutters )