Taxi S2E12 Script

Elaine's Secret Admirer (1979)

( Theme music playing )


( loud knocking )

Who is it?

ALEX ( disguising voice ): Paint crew reporting for work, ma'am. ( laughs )

Come on in.

ALL: Hey!

You look great.

Hi, Elaine, how you doing?

Oh, really, thanks, guys.

Thanks for offering to help.

Hey, Elaine, what do you want to paint the apartment for?

It looks fine to me.

I just got this sudden urge.

Uh-oh, you're doing it again.

What?

Do you realize that every time you break up with a guy you paint your apartment?

No. No?

Well, yeah, maybe I've done it a couple times.

Couple of times?

Elaine, there must be 20 coats of paint here.

It's been a rough year.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Let's see, the blue one is Tom, and under Tom was Roger, and under Roger was Eric, and under Eric was... I forget.

Looks like a dull gray.

My ex-husband.

Well, here's hoping it's your last coat.

Hey, guys, come on, what do you say?

I'm ready to work.

Okay, where do we start?

I, uh, I know a good way to do this.

Once in, uh, '65, some friends of mine and I painted my place by dipping our heads in buckets and then painting with our hair.

We were thinking of using brushes and rollers.

Hey, I'll try anything once.

Well, listen, while you guys figure this out, I have to run down and get my mail.

All right, come on.

Hey, Elaine, you know, you better hurry up or we're going to be done, you know? Okay, okay.

Okay, first thing is, we put the tarp over the furniture.

Now we're cooking.

Here we go.

Come on, pick up an end.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, you know, this is silly, trying to do this and drink beer at the same time.

BOTH: You're right.

Hey, guys, while we're working, maybe I'll turn on the Jet game.

We'll watch, you know what I mean, while we're working.

Hey, Tone, Tone, we're supposed to be painting.

That's all right, as long as we don't put the sound on, we'll watch it every once in a while.

Okay, come on, let's get this done, huh?

Sounds good. Okay.

Hey, look at that.

Boy, you know, that Earl Campbell...

He's really something, huh?

Yeah. I wonder how much he gets paid for a commercial like that.

Hey, we'll be painting anytime here, Elaine.

Hurry up.

Elaine, you better clear off those shelves...

We're going to hit that wall any second now.

Elaine?

Elaine?

What?

Something wrong?

( laughs ): No, um...

It's just that somebody sent me a poem in the mail.

Oh?

A very romantic poem.

Oh, yeah?

Who?

I don't know, it's anonymous.

Uh... what does it say?

You want me to read it out loud?

Oh, come on, Bobby, uh, it's probably very personal.

You don't read things like that out loud.

TONY: Geez, Bobby.

Pass it around... we'll read it to ourselves.

No, no, no, that's okay, I'll read it, I'll read it.

( Clears throat )

"I saw you standing in a Manhattan sunset, "your auburn hair blowing from Atlantic winds.

"Your eyes were smiling at thoughts far away..." ( suppressed laughing )

"Dancing to sonnets only you could hear.

"If I could, I would build you a castle, "in a world in some other time, "a castle I could only imagine, a castle only you could inspire."

Can you believe that?

That's very pretty.

Who do I know that would do something like this?

Well, you can't rule out anybody.

It could be somebody from the garage, somebody from your gallery, somebody from your past.

( French accent ): Maybe somebody in this very room, uh?

Oh, sure, one of you?

Hey, why not?

Hey, yeah, Elaine, you don't think we can be sensitive guys?

Yeah, maybe I'm being a little hard...

Hey, the Jets just scored.

( Cheering and whooping )

ALEX: Hi, Elaine.

Hi. Alex, uh, I want to thank you guys for coming over to paint yesterday.

Hey, we enjoyed it.

When do you think you can come back and actually do the painting?

Anytime, Elaine, anytime.

You hear about the mash note Nardo got in her locker this morning?

Louie, it wasn't a mash note.

Yeah, I got another poem, I...

How did you know that that was in my locker?

I went through it.

You went through my locker this morning?

Don't get excited, I go through it every morning.

In fact, I go through everybody's lockers.

I'm responsible for everything that comes into this garage, so I have to ascertain if anything's being hidden illegal.

If you don't like it, buy a padlock.

I will.

I got two models...

The one-buck model and the ten-buck.

What's the difference?

The ten-buck takes me longer to pick.

Another poem, huh?

Yeah, this one's even sweeter than the first.

Poems get you hot, huh, Nardo?

Louie.

Hey, listen, if this was found in your locker, it must mean it's somebody in the garage.

I don't even care who it was.

No? Why not? No.

Because the whole thing is just so stupid and corny and high school.

And worst of all, it is getting me hot.

( Chuckling )

You know, Alex, um... the thought has crossed my mind that, uh, maybe you were the one who wrote the poems.

Did you?

No, I'd like to claim them, but I'm not much of a poet.

I once wrote a poem for my wife.

She graded it.

Well, until I figure this out, it's gonna really drive me crazy.

Let me take a look at the handwriting.

Yeah, I don't understand...

Mm, French... Elaine?

What?

No, never mind.

I have to do it.

Could I speak to you a second alone over there?

I guess.

Will you excuse us, Alex?

Yeah, sure.

What would you say if I told you the person you hate most on earth wrote those poems?

You wrote them?

You could have taken some time with that.

Do you expect me to believe this?

Is that so hard to believe?

All this time you've been writing me off as a lowlife.

Those poems are mine.

Maybe this will be a lesson to you, not to judge a book by its cover.

Louie?

Yes?

Would you recite one of your poems for me?

Are you testing me, Elaine?

You want to bring it down to that level?

Every poet I've ever heard can recite some of his own poetry.

Okay.

I can do that.

You want me to do it here?

Mm-hmm.

Cascading... cascades... cascading water... a waterfall... clouds... lots of them, white and puffy.

You know, clouds...

And flowers covered with dew, and trees hanging over, and you and me naked on a rock.

That is the most disgusting poetry.

Just get away from me.

( Chuckling )

This close to the promised land.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Tony. Hi.

Hey, great paint party.

ELAINE: Yeah.

Hey, you still reading that poem?

I got another one.

Another one? Yep. Yeah.

That's two poems in two days. Yep.

Think they're from the same guy?

That's a thought.

TONY: Hey, guys.

Hey, how you doing?

Hi. Hi, Jim.

LOUIE: Ignatowski!

Where you been?

I don't work weekends.

You been gone nine days.

Right.

TONY: Jim.

Weekends are only two days.

Oh, I thought we'd switched to the metric system.

Hey, guys, hey, guys, guess what?

Elaine got another one of them love notes today.

Yeah, and it was found in her locker, so I figure it must be somebody in the garage.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Hey, I bet I know who it is.

I'll betcha it's that Don Reavey guy who's always hitting on you.

You know, I thought of him, too.

Did you ever go out with this Don Reavey?

No.

He's a good-looking guy.

Yeah, if you consider dark, wavy hair, magnetic eyes and a killer smile attractive.

Some women go for that.

But I always thought of him as kind of shallow, you know?

I wish I could hang around and help you figure it out, but I'm late for an acting class... I'll see you.

Hey, I'm gonna catch a ride with you to the gym.

Hey, thanks for the painting party, it was great.

Sure. ( laughs )

Nardo, telephone.

Elaine's enjoying those poems, huh?

Yeah. She'd enjoy them a lot more if she knew who was writing them.

Maybe the guy's got a good reason for keeping quiet.

Like what?

Maybe he writes better than he looks, talks... is.

Yeah, maybe.

Jim, is this you?

Sure. Is this you, Alex?

You're the one that's been writing these poems.

No, I'm not.

Oh, yes, you are.

Okay, okay, I can't take this browbeating.

Why are you doing this?

Shh.

( Whispering ): Why are you doing this?

What?

Come here.

What's this all about?

Those poems sound like you're in love with Elaine.

I'm in love with Elaine in the sense that I'm in love with all living things.

You don't write poems to all living things.

Yes, I do.

You don't mail poems to all living things.

Yes, I do. ( exasperated groan )

What?

Look, let me explain.

You remember when Elaine broke up with that guy named Steve? Yeah.

We were all sitting around Mario's having a beer, and Elaine came in, and she was real down. Yeah.

So I said to myself, I know what will pick that lady up... a nice poem.

So I thought I'd go down to the library and look one up, but I couldn't find one.

Couldn't find a poem?

I couldn't find a library.

So I had to make up my own poem.

And I sent it to her, and it worked.

Took her head off her troubles.

Why don't you tell her?

She's dying to know.

She only wants to know who wrote the poems because she doesn't know who wrote the poems.

You mean that if she found out it was you, she'd be disappointed?

There are a lot of people in this world who think I'm a flake.

Who thinks that?

Me, for one.

So what do you say we keep this between the two of us?

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

It might not be so much harm if Elaine believes that she has a secret admirer.

Let's shake on it.

We just shook on it.

Oh, good.

Great, I don't have to go to the gallery today.

Hi, Elaine.

Hi, Don.

Um... Don, could I talk to you for a minute?

Sure.

Thanks, Louie.

I don't know whether you've heard or not, but somebody has been sending me anonymous poetry.

Yeah.

You heard about that?

Yeah.

Do you know anything about it?

Yeah.

You know who's been sending me the poetry?

Yeah.

You?

Yeah.

You know, I kind of thought so.

In fact, you were one of the first people I thought of.

Yeah?

You read a lot of poetry?

Yeah.

It's kind of surprising, you know, because, uh, the image that you have around the garage is so different from poetry.

You know what I mean?

DON: Yeah.

You have a way with words.

Yeah.

You want to go out for some coffee?

Yeah.

Did you see what just happened?

Can you believe she fell for that?

Hey, I fell for it, and I wrote them.

I don't know about you guys, but I can't possibly go paint Elaine's apartment again.

We've been over there four times in the last two weeks, and every time I come back with the worst hangover.

We put away a lot of beer.

Well, maybe if we did some painting next time...

Hey, uh, if you guys feel so bad, how come I feel fine?

Y-You mean your head doesn't hurt and your tongue doesn't feel thick and grungy, and-and your body doesn't feel like it's been turned inside out?

Yeah.

Jim, some people find that feeling very uncomfortable.

TONY: Hey, Elaine, you look foxed out.

Thanks.

You going out with Don Reavey again?

Yeah.

I guess we have been seeing a lot of each other.

You mean, you been dating this guy because of his poems?

Oh, not entirely.

He's a very sweet person.

You know, I really hope that you all get to know him better.

I hope I get to like him better.

No, Tony, he's really nothing like you see in the garage.

I mean, inside, there's this very sweet, sensitive human being. ( Alex laughs )

I mean, you read his poems.

Yeah, well, somehow, I just can't put Don Reavey and those poems together... They seem like two different guys to me, if you know what I mean.

I-I used to be like that.

Had a split personality.

When I was with people, I was the life of the party, but I'd get home alone, all by myself, I'd clam up.

Yeah. Uh...

Okay, I have some cabs to get out here.

Wheeler, Stargill, Banta, let's get the cars on the road here.

Um, Louie, I just stopped by to tell you that I'm not going to be driving this weekend.

I know.

You're going to Vermont for the weekend with Don Reavey.

How did you know that?

I found train tickets and ski rental slips in his locker.

Did you hear that?

They're going away for the whole weekend.

That's pretty serious...

The two of them alone together for nine days.

Jim, listen to me, you've got to tell her.

I can't do it, Alex.

Um, Elaine, uh, I want to tell you something.

Uh, Don Reavey is not your poet... he's a liar.

Alex, I know you don't like Don, but...

No, it has nothing to do with not liking him.

He did not write the poems.

How do you know that? Because I know who wrote them.

You're serious, aren't you? Yes, I am.

Well?

Huh? Uh, no, I... I'm sorry.

Come on, who wrote the poetry?

I promised I couldn't tell.

Oh, great! But I didn't promise I wouldn't nod if you guessed it right.

Alex, I'm not gonna play stu... Tony.

Bobby.

Brian.

Val. Nick.

Johnny Fingers. Eddie. Billy. Ron. Harry?

Um, Pepe, Carlo, Pedro, uh, Pavlovsky, Carlos, uh, uh, Jeff, Ahmad...

Latka. No.

The bald guy who comes on Thursdays?

Sheila? Sheila?

Well, that's everybody in the garage.

So I guess it's nobody.

Yeah... it's nobody.

It's you.

How did you guess?

I can't believe it.

I'm sorry.

Why did you do it?

I thought you'd like it.

Oh, I liked it.

Oh, yeah, and like... I liked it so much that... that I started falling in love with the guy.

I was just trying to make you feel better.

Well, good job.

I can honestly say without fear of contradiction that this... this is the most embarrassed I've ever been in my whole life.

You know, on second thought...

I guess I should be happy about one thing.

You finally got it through my thick skull that, uh, there aren't going to be any castles in my life.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, Alex... what do I do to make her feel better?

I'm afraid there aren't any easy answers, Jim.

I know a pill that would do it.

But it has a terrible side effect.

Like what?

It wears off.


See?

There are castles.

This is incredible.

Thanks, I made it myself.

This is the most amazing thing anyone has ever done for me.

Thank you.

I was, uh, going to buy you a scarf, but I couldn't find a department store.

Still upset?

You're making it hard.

Yeah.

Well, I guess I'd better go.

I've got to get up sometime tomorrow.

Oh, Jim, wait.

There's something not right here.

Hey, uh, I didn't have time for a moat.

I'll see you.

Could you tell me where I catch the bus from here?

Why didn't you just drive your van over?

Well, uh...

your castle has about 150,000 miles on it.

Oh, God.

Hey, how about, uh, I crash here for a year or so?

Jim.

I know.

I'm not every woman's dreamboat.

But you are the dearest, sweetest, most wonderful person.

I think you're right.

Funny thing, there used to be a time when that was enough.

Excuse me.


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Walters mutters )