Taxi S2E13 Script

Louie Meets the Folks (1979)

Well, looks like I'm going to fight Rocky Sinicori again.

Oh, yeah, I remember him.

Yeah, he gave me a good fight.

I guess he deserves another shot.

What, are you crazy?

He knocked you out in the second round.

Yeah, but now he's going around shooting off his mouth, saying he can do it in one.

He says he had walking pneumonia or something that night, you know?

Fever of 104.

Oh, I hate a man who makes excuses.

Me, too.

I say I can go two rounds with Rocky Sinicori, pneumonia or no pneumonia.

Hey.

Got my first fan letter today.

Yeah?

Oh... It's a real weird one.

You'll like this, Elaine.

"Dear Mr. Wheeler, I saw you in a TV commercial, "and I think you're real cute.

"Would you please

"send me a photograph, a lock of your hair, "one of your shirts, a pair of your shoes and a pillow you've slept on?"

"Thank you, love, Shirley."

I can't believe that someone would have the nerve to ask for this stuff.

I mean, the postage to send it would cost you...

It came to $4.98.

Hi, everybody.

Zena!

Five minutes to candy time!

Hey, Zena, how ya doing?

Hey, Zena, I don't think you've met Jim.

Jim Ignatowski, this is Zena Sherman.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Yeah, Reverend Jim's one of our new drivers.

Uh-huh. Zena's Louie's girlfriend.

Oh, I thought you looked familiar.

I saw your picture in Louie's office.

Oh, yeah, you mean the one where my face is taped to the body of Miss October?

Hello, there, honey lips.

Hi, boss.

I think he means Zena.

Oh, my mistake.

How ya doing, Zena?

Get lost!

Look at Reiger and Ignatowski.

They think you're serious.

She loves me.

I am serious.

Get away and leave me alone.

( laughing )

On the floor!

What a sense of humor! Stop it, Louie.

You're making a jackass of yourself.

A jackass!

Did you hear that?

I tell her, "Zena, get out of the vending company."

She should be in clubs.

She won't listen to me.

Yeah, well, Zena's very talented.

Come on, Jim, what say you and I leave these two zany people together, okay?

Okeydoke.

Boy, that Zena's quite a card, ain't she?

I know you're still peeved at me, but you don't have to let everybody in the garage know it, too.

I don't care. You brought all this on yourself.

All I asked you for was one simple favor, and I don't ask for many favors, Louie.

We've been all over this.

I told you why I refused.

Something like this could blow everything we've got going.

All right. Okay, fine.

Have it your way.

But until you change your mind, we don't have anything going.

Understand? Not anything.

Are you trying... Anything!

You mean, no more... slave girl and the emperor.

You got it.

Hey, listen, I want to give you a little warning, baby...

I'm a tough habit to break.

You're a Louie addict.

Nobody's been able to do it cold turkey.

Good-bye, Lou.

Here it is, Mr... Shut up!

All is not well in Louie-land.

Gee, I wonder what's wrong between him and Zena.

It must be hard on a guy like Louie, not having any friends to talk to when you're in trouble, you know?

Yeah, well, who cares? Let's play.

JIM: I'll talk to him.

No.

No, no, Jim.

You don't want to do that.

I understand what the man's going through.

All he needs to do is relax, rest his mind, get in touch with the oneness of the universe.

What are you doing in here, Ignatowski?

JIM: Okay, boss.

Close your eyes... take a deep breath... relax all your muscles... and listen to the sound of being.

( Chanting ): Ooommm.

Ooommm.

Ooommm.

( Snoring )

It worked.

It worked.

Somebody get Sleeping Beauty out of here before I attach his tongue to a battery charger.

"Oommm."

Get him out of here.

He's omed out.

Reiger. What?

Can I speak to you alone?

Where can we be alone in here?

Don't worry about it.

All right, everybody out of the garage except for Reiger.

Everybody out!

( Grumbling )

Why? Because it's a fire drill.

If you don't get out, you're all fired.

Come on!

And take swami with you.

Can I see you a second?

Come on, Louie, I don't want to talk to you.

I don't want to talk to you.

Come on, Reiger, give me a couple of minutes.

You can spare another human being two minutes of your time.

Yes, but how does that relate to this conversation?

Go ahead, terrific, do jokes... while I'm standing here in pain.

All right, all right, all right, you've got two minutes.

But I'm gonna preface this conversation by telling you that I think very much of Zena.

I think she's terrific, and I think she's much too good for you.

You got two minutes starting right now.

Zena wants me to meet her folks.

Why? She's punishing them for a lousy childhood?

No, no, she's real close to her parents, and they want to meet me, and to tell you the truth, I don't mind meeting them.

I mean, it's not inconceivable that, you know, someday, Zena and I might...

Marriage, Louie?

Yeah, yeah.

Just the other day, I was thinking about kids and about a home and settling down, and suddenly, for the first time in my life, all those things didn't make me nauseous.

Oh, that's beautiful.

You've got one minute left.

If they were normal people, I wouldn't worry about making a good impression.

You know how charming I can be when I want to.

Yeah, it's scary.

But they're decent people.

I mean, I'm not used to being around decent people.

I know, Lou.

Her father, in fact, her father has one of the worst imaginable professions for me to get along with.

He's an exterminator?

He's a minister.

You're kidding.

If you're asking me to talk Zena out of this, just forget it. I'm not gonna do it.

No, no, that's not what I'm asking.

I want you to go with me.

What?

Yeah, I figure that if you were there, you could kinda, you know, help me out by stopping me before I said something I shouldn't.

Plus, it would give Zena's parents a chance to see the kind of people I have for friends.

We are not friends.

Well, you know what I mean.

I mean the kind of people that I associate with.

We do not associate.

Well, we do something together.

What do you call what we are to each other?

We have a longtime awareness that the other exists, and we know each other's names.

So what do you say?

You've got ten seconds.

Come on, Reiger, please.

Nine, eight... Come on, do it for me, for us.

For our friendship... Seven, six...

For our longtime awareness.

Five, four... For all the favors that I've done for you.

For $200. Three, two...

By golly, my watch stopped.

( Doorbell rings )

Coming.

Hi, Mom.

I'm so glad to see you.

And you must be Louie.

I don't shake hands with anyone who's so close to my daughter.

Oh, no, Mom, Mom.

This is Louie.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry.

The man you just hugged is Alex Reiger.

Oh! Well, I'm very happy to meet both of you.

Let me have your coats.

Oh, thank you.

Then go in, sit down.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Thank you very much.

There we go.

ZENA: Boy, Mom, the house looks beautiful.

Oh, yes, very nice... Tasteful.

It smells okay, too.

Thank you.

You know, Mrs. Sherman, you are a very attractive woman.

I hope that Zena is as attractive as you in 60 years.

( Stifled warning )

Strike one.

I screwed up.

I won't screw up again.

Thank you.

Cheese and crackers, anyone?

Oh, thanks, Mom. Oh, yeah.

I'm really so happy you could all come today.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Sherman, that you had to make room at the last moment for an extra person.

Oh, that's quite all right.

The reason that I brought Alex along was so that I could show you the kind of classy guy that I pal around with.

Say something classy, Alex.

Well... Louie, you're putting me on the spot.

I mean, this is an impossible situation.

Besides, it's better to remain silent and be thought the fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

You better come up with something quick, Reiger.

I'm paying good money.

Well, I have to check on the roast, so just make yourselves at home.

Oh, you need some help, Mom?

Oh, no, I can handle it, darling.

Mr. Sherman will be home any minute.

Excuse me.

Well, can I get that for you?

Thank you.

Certainly, ma'am.

I don't know why I was so worried.

She's eating out of the palm of my hand.

It's embarrassing.

Well, maybe not the palm of your hand...

Oh, but you're doing fine, Louie.

You know, I don't even think that was an excuse.

I think she really had to check on the roast.

Yeah. I told you they'd like you.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, we don't even need Reiger anymore.

No, no, no, please, Louie, let me stay.

I can pick up some pointers on charm tonight.

That must be Daddy.

Bring him on.

Oh... good evening.

Hi, Daddy.

MRS. SHERMAN: Nathan, is that you?

Well, if it's not, your daughter is hugging a stranger.

That was some joke!

Yes...

I'm bunching up phlegm, here, it was so good.

Are you Louie?

No, I'm sorry.

Dad, I want you to meet Louie De Palma and his friend Alex Reiger.

Oh, how do you do?

Nice to meet you.

Very nice to meet you.

I'm sorry I'm so late.

Oh, that's okay.

You can stand me up for God anytime.

Oh, all right, I must remember that.

He must remember that.

That's good... that's real good.

Well, shall we take a load off?

Uh, I'll just go tell Mom to serve anytime she's ready.

Well...

I'm glad that we're finally getting this chance to meet you, Louie.

Likewise.

Would you gentlemen like some wine?

A little vino.

Yes, that would be very nice.

Zena has already told us a lot about you, Louie.

I, uh... understand you live with your mother.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Well, you know, she's, she's kind of old, and she needs somebody to take care of her.

Oh, is she able to get around by herself?

Oh, yeah, she's okay physically.

It's just that her antenna doesn't pick up every channel, if you know what I mean.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh, but she's fine.

She's really a corker.

I mean, some of the things that she does will really crack you up.

Like the other night, she's laying in the bathtub...

That's a mighty big bass you've got there, Mr. Sherman.

That's really big.

What is that, a 15-, 20-pounder there?

Oh, no, no, no, that's 18½ pounds.

Wow, 18½.

I caught that last fall at Sundown Lake.

Oh?

I've never been prouder of anything in my life.

I see.

Do you fish, Mr. Reiger?

Well, no... I mean, uh...

I don't get much of a chance to.

Actually, when I was a kid, I used to go fishing with my uncle.

Used to take me to Tucker Creek.

Oh, I've been to Tucker Creek many times.

Yeah? It's wonderful.

The brook trout in that area are fabulous.

Which reminds me of a joke I once heard.

How do you keep a fish from smelling?

I don't know.

You cut off his nose.

Well, uh... now that we've exhausted that topic... does anybody want any more wine?

No, thanks.

Don't mind if I do.

Did I tell you that my family is in the wine business?

In fact, my cousin Guido probably had his feet in this a couple of weeks ago.

That was a delicious dinner, Mrs. Sherman.

Thank you.

Delicious.

That was wonderful!

I loved it.

I loved it!

Well, thank you.

I'm very glad that you enjoyed it.

Beth, you've hardly touched your food.

Well, I have a little touch of indigestion.

Oh, so do I.

I hope we don't have to have a race to the can after dinner.

That bass was what... 18½ pounds?

The fish again?

So... Zena, Louie, why don't you tell us all about those little things that parents want to know about their daughter's boyfriend?

About your dating, the wheres, the hows... the-the-the whys.

I'd been admiring Louie from afar and Alex introduced us.

Louie asked me out right away.

And well, it was rocky at first, till we got to know each other.

Yeah. Whoa, it was really tough for me.

You see, I had never been out with a girl like Zena before.

I don't mind talking about this, I mean, because now it's all behind me. I mean...

But Zena is the first non-pro I've ever been out with.

Non-pro?

Yeah, let me, let me explain this.

Uh, um, you see... uh, as far as me having a lasting relationship... before I met Zena, the longest relationship I ever had was 30 minutes.

ALEX: Louie, Louie...

Louie, Louie.

You know what I'm talking about, huh, padre?

Oh, for God's sake, Louie.

What, Reiger? Loosen up.

Everybody's having a good time here.

Have some more of the grape.

Oh, but seriously now, this tomato is the best thing that ever happened to Louie De Palma.

Well, excuse me.

I think I'd better clear the dishes.

Why don't you all go in the living room, and I'll bring in some coffee.

Oh, yes, coffee.

Coffee! Coffee is a good idea.

Louie.

Louie, how about if you volunteer to stay and help me?

Do I have a choice?

Where should we start, mon general?

Oh, Louie...

Louie, I have a confession to make.

I didn't really want you to help me clear the table.

I did this because I want to talk to you.

I'm sorry, Beth, I already have a girl.

Sit down, Louie.

This will only take a moment.

It's about you and Zena.

Oh.

You know, Louie, uh, Mr. Sherman and I have always tried very hard not to interfere in Zena's life.

We've been aware that being the child of a minister is sometimes difficult.

There are people who sometimes are uneasy around you or they tease you, or they think you're overly righteous.

And knowing that, we've always tried to let Zena have as much freedom as any other kid... possibly more.

That's why I'm going to give my blessing to this relationship.

So go ahead, Louie, and continue seeing Zena and have dates and be friends, or whatever you like, but Louie, I don't think it would be a good idea for the two of you to ever start planning anything or talking about something like marriage.

Because if you do, I'll have you killed.

I think I can do that, can't I?

I mean, I read about that in a book once.

You can hire people to do that for you, can't you?

Yeah.

Now, what do you call them?

Hit men.

Hit men... that's it.

I've got to remember that.

I know that they charge quite a bit of money.

Yeah.

But you know, it would probably ruin everything I've ever tried to do with my life.

And poor Nathan!

He would be destroyed, but it would be worth it, don't you think?

I don't know.

Well, now, you can go and join the others, and I'll get the coffee.

Oh, by the way, please, don't say anything about this to Zena or to Mr. Sherman.

We'll just keep this as our own little secret, all right?

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you.

Hit men?

Yeah, hit men. Hit men.

So of course, by the time I landed the darn thing, I was up to my knees in mud.

( laughs nervously )

Another fish story, Reiger?

Well, don't let me interrupt you.

Lou, did you have a nice talk with Mom?

Oh, yes, delightful.

And now we can all have our coffee.

Good.

Here you are, Nathan.

Zena.

Thanks, Mom.

Alex.

Thank you.

And this is for you, Louie.

Switch with me.

Huh?

Switch with me.

Why?

Just do it.

All right.

Ma, did you enjoy your talk with Lou?

Oh, very much.

I'll never forget it.

Will you, Louie?

No... I'll never forget it either, ma'am.

Good.

I assure you, I meant everything I said from the bottom of my heart.

Well, I think we'd better be going.

Oh.

Well, it's late.

I've got to get up for work tomorrow.

Oh, but, Louie, we haven't had our coffee yet.

I don't want any coffee, thank you.

Why, I'm sorry that you have to leave so soon.

Well...

Next time you can all come to my place.

Well, we'll be looking forward to that.

I'm sure.

Yeah, well, uh...

Good night, good night everybody.

Good night, Alex.

Good night, Mr. Sherman.

Good night, Louie.

Say good night to Mom, Lou.

Uh, good night, Mrs. Sherman.

Good night, Louie.

You know something, Mom?

You know what would really make me happy?

Hmm?

If you'd give Lou a little good-bye kiss.

Oh, no, no, no. Why, I'd be happy to.

( Growling )

No, no, we... No. No.

See? And you were worried.


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Walters mutters )