Taxi S2E14 Script

Jim Gets a Pet (1979)

( Theme music playing )

Who did you bet on in the fourth race?

That stiff...

Hey, where have you guys been?

Aw, you don't want to know, Elaine.

This is kind of a sore point with you, and I think the less said about it in front of you, the better.

Last time we went to the track, you went nuts.

I told her.

Maybe she missed it.

You mean that you guys cannot think of a better way to throw away your money?

Nope. She got it.

Not everybody lost.

Latka won a few races.

He's got a system.

Oh, yeah?

Latka, what's your system?

Oh, uh, uh, my system is based on the temperature.

You mean the temperature of the air has something to do with how you bet?

Oh, no, no... The temperature of the horse.

And you actually won money?

Yes. I won $12.

Uh-huh. How much did you lose?


I did that well without a system.

Yeah, but can you do it every time?

Guys, this gambling thing has got to stop.

Don't lecture, Nardo.

I suppose you don't have any vices of your own.

Sure, I have vices.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Okay, forget it, forget it.

I'm not going to let this thing upset me, all right?

Hey, I want to thank you guys for taking me along.

You mean you took Jim with you?!

This man is just getting his head beneath water, and you have to go and turn him on to something gambling?

Nardo, would you...?

Forget it.

Okay, okay, okay.

I wish I'd started gambling a long time ago.

I've been looking for something to take the place in my life of, uh, uh, what do you call it?

Uh... drugs?

No, thanks.

Well, what I mean is, I never...

I never got into the real kick of betting.

It makes life so much more interesting.

Right now, that guy's over there getting something to drink.

Ordinarily, that wouldn't mean a thing to me but, if I were to bet on what drink he'd choose, the next few seconds would be thrilling.

I got a buck that says it's coffee.

Hey, hey, hey, Bob.

Vodka gimlet.


Jim, there's only coffee and hot chocolate in that machine.

Well, so, give me odds.

BOBBY: No, no, no.

ALEX: Give him odds.

A hundred to one.

I can't pass that by.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Hey, uh, how's the gimlet?

It's coffee.

I told you so, man.

Thanks, Bobby.

You're welcome.

For giving me that thrill.

My last thrill for a while.

Hey, Jim, I didn't mean to take your last dollar.

Then give it back.



You're welcome.

Pooky... Juanina...

Alex, I really hope that you're satisfied, because you just turned Jim into a gambling junkie.

Hey, come on, Elaine. It's his money, you know?

It's his business.

It's his life.

And it's your fault.

Look, Elaine, just because your ex-husband was a gambler...

Oh... do not bring my ex-husband into this.

He has nothing to do with this whatsoever.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Do you know that my ex-husband was a gambler?

It was rumored to that effect, yes. Why?

Alex, I know about gambling.

I mean, I'm worried about Jim.

Excuse me.

Uh, are you fighting over me?

Well, perhaps we are, yeah.

Well, don't worry, Elaine, because I don't have any more money to gamble with anyhow.

Oh, Ignatowski, can I see you a second?

How's it going, Pally?

Oh, average.

Sit down?


Uh, Iggy, you want to spin over here?


Uh... By any chance, would you be interested in borrowing a few bucks to, say, gamble on the horses?

Would you lend that to me?


You're a good risk.

I know you'd work real hard to pay me back the loan plus the interest, which is the usual, uh, 85%.

Sounds like a good deal.

Is a handshake good enough for you?


Well, it ain't for me.

Just, uh, sign it right there on the dotted line.


Excuse me, boss.

What does this say in the little tiny letters?

Oh, uh, that's just a, you know, a formality.

That says, in the event that you're unable to pay me back, I have the right to sell your body for medical experiments.

Oh, oh.

You mean after I'm dead.


Right there.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, Alex.

Oh, hi, Alex.

Hey, have you seen Jim?

No, I haven't. Why?

'Cause none of us have seen him lately, either.

He's been at the track every day this week.

Am I really going to get another anti-gambling sermon from a woman holding a handful of little pasteboards with little pictures of kings and queens on them?

She's got kings and queens?

I fold.

This is a game, Alex. There's no money involved.

Oh, yeah.

I'm back in.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Jim.

BOBBY: Hi, Jim.

How you doing?

ALEX: Jim, come here.

I want to talk to you.


Over here, Jim.

Look, Jim, I know you've been at the track very often now... Almost every day...

And maybe you're enjoying yourself but, Jim, look, there's another side to gambling, and I want to tell you about it.

Look, Jim, first, you borrow from Louie.

Then, when he runs out of money, you'll have to go to a loan shark.


Fine? No, no, no.

Jim, the next thing you know, you're going to get a visit from some guy with no neck carrying a baseball bat, and he wants his money back, Jim!

I'll, uh... give him the money.

But you won't have the money, Jim!

I'll ask him to wait a while.

Yeah. He'll say, ( deep voice ): Ignatowski, I waited long enough.

Well, um, I need a little time.

Ignatowski, you got two choices:

You either pay me the money now, or you pay me the money now.

Yeah, he pulls that, and I'll call the cops.

Jim, what are the police going to do for you?

They'll protect me.

I'll tell them there's a man trying to kill me.

( Nasal voice ): Oh, yeah? Ignatowski? You say your name is Ignatowski?

Oh, that name rings a bell. Are you the same Ignatowski who was smoking an illegal substance on the 24th of May, 1968, and then you ran six red lights...

Five! Five lights!



I got to get out of town.

I'll hide in my folks' house.

( Accent ): Jim, Jim, it's so good to have you back home.

My son.

There were some strange men came here today, say you owe them some money.

They took away your mama.


So, now, what are you going to do, Jim?

I'll go see a priest!

I don't do priests.

You got to.

It's my only hope.

Look, Jim, you've got to control yourself.

You got to get some kind of control about this gambling.

You're right. I quit. I quit forever.

Good, Jim. You're going to quit, and you're going to pay back all of your losses.

What losses?

All the money that you lost gambling.

I haven't lost money gambling. I won $10,000.

You won $10,000?

You see that? He won.

Jim, just don't forget who got you started.

I bet $35 on a 300-to-one long shot named "On Dasher."

BOBBY: You bet on a 300-to-one shot?

Yeah, well, I identify with the long shots.

Here you are, Louie...

Every penny of your money, plus interest, plus a couple of bucks for your troubles.

You see that?

All your complaining, all your lecturing...

The guy walks in here richer than all of us.

He can now change his life if he wants to.

So what are you going to do with the rest of the money, Jim?

Nothing. I've already spent it.

What?! What?!

What were you saying?

He spent all his...? You spent all your money?

You spent the rest of all that money?!

How many bars are between the track and here?

Uh, 84... but I didn't go into any of them.

How could you win $10,000 on a horse race, and then blow it all immediately?

What did you spend the money on, Jim?




They, uh, threw in the saddle.

He bought a racehorse.

I know he bought a racehorse.

I can see a racehorse.

He bought a racehorse!

He used to be a racehorse.

But, after the race, I took one look at him...

All sweaty and foamy and favoring one leg and limping on the other three.

It broke my heart.

It seemed to me he won that money for me, so I felt I should return the favor.

So I went up to the owner and I asked him how much would it cost me to buy that horse.

And he said, "How much you got?"

And, would you believe it? It was the same.




You want to give me a hand with the saddle here?

Yeah, sure.

Ask him what he's going to do with a racehorse.

What are you going to do with a racehorse, Jim?!

I'm, uh, giving him his freedom.

He's giving him his... What?

ALEX: Hey! Hey!

Hey, come on, everybody, let's get that horse!

How are we going to catch a horse?

He's a 300-to-one shot.

We can outrun him.

ALEX: Oh, boy.

Let him go, everybody.

I want him to be free.

Jim, you can't just let a horse run free on the streets of New York.

Jim, this is not the frontier.

There's no place for On Dasher to go on the streets of New York.

Alex, don't call him On Dasher.

That was his slave name.


Well, what's his new name?

Uh... uh... Gary.

Gary. That's a nice name. Gary.

Get that ugly, smelly, dirty creature out of my garage, and tell him to take his horse with him.

Now, Louie, would you just calm down?

We got a problem here.

We're trying to figure out what to do with Jim's horse.

Does the word glue ring a bell with anybody?

Hey, Louie, that ain't nice, Louie.

You want me to make it nice?

We'll use the glue to paste Easter seals.

( Knock at door )


Hi. Hey, how you doing?

Glad you guys could come over.

Hi, Jim.


I, uh... like your place, uh, Jim.

It's... it's you, Jim.

When I first got it, it was a fixer-upper.

Nice kitchen.


You get all your electricity off that?

Yeah, I have to.

It's a condemned building.

No kidding.

Yeah. The other end's plugged in to the apartment across the way.

I hang my laundry on the cord so they don't notice.

Hey, Jim, you know, now that you got some steady money coming in, don't you think you could afford to move?

Nah. I kind of like living here.

The great thing about living in a condemned building is that nothing can happen to it.

I mean, what are they going to do...

Come along and save it?

Hey, Jim, uh... where's Gary?


He's asleep in the bedroom.

Ah! Well, how's he been doing the past couple of weeks?

Oh, fine.

I got him some hay and a horse blanket and lots of good food, and I got a heater to keep the room warm.

Every horse in the world should be treated that good.

Yeah. I take him out for walks in the park every day.

Oh, yeah?

I imagine you must get some funny looks, huh?

Yeah... but those poodle people have stopped acting like they own the place.

Say, uh, why don't you guys make yourself comfortable and tell me what you found out.

Well, mainly that there's less of a demand for used horses in midtown Manhattan than you might think, Jim.

I checked the Police Academy, but they only use young, healthy horses.

We still didn't get an answer on that ad in the paper.

There's dude ranches, if you want to take him some place... Like Arizona.

Oh... it might do him good.

He's got a bad cough.

He's had it ever since I got him.

Can't seem to kick it.

Jim, you know, if he has a cough, maybe you should have a vet look at him.

I did.

He said I might have to, uh, bring him in next week for some tests.

Said he'd like to take a look at me while he's at it.


Right on, Jim, right on.

TONY: So that means we're no better off than when we started.

Nobody wants this horse.

That's right.

Well, you know, I'm kind of glad no one wants him.

I've been alone a long time, and I'm kind of getting used to having him around.

It's great having someone to have dinner with, you know, watch TV with, uh, talk to.

Hey, Jim, you got a nutcracker?

Right in front of you.

You mean the table?

By golly, I guess that could be used as a table.

Uh, you're not doing it right.

( Cracking )

Well, thanks a lot, Jim.

Want another?

I think I'll just save mine for later.

You guys.

( Cracking )

Hey, Jim?

You think he's going to wake up soon, so we could say hello?

He's got to be.

He's been asleep quite a while.


Incidentally, you know, it's not true what they say about horses sleeping standing up.

Really? How does he sleep?

Uh... like this.

Uh, Jim, I, uh... Jim, uh, tell me, uh, how long has he been sleeping like that?

Uh, since the day before yesterday.

The day before yesterday.

I guess winning that race took a lot out of him.

Quite a bit.

Jim, uh, you mind if I go and take a look at him?

Sure, go ahead.

Hey, Bobby, don't wake him up.

Which one?

Which is the guest room?

I'm not sure.

Jim, uh...

I-I'm afraid that... that Gary isn't going to go for any more walks with you, Jim.

Oh, no.


Hey, Bobby, what are you talking about?

The horse hung himself?

Tony, he died.

He's taking it harder than I thought he would.

Yeah. I wish we could do something to pick him up a little bit, you know?

Hey, Jim?

How you doing, Jim?

That apartment seems real empty without that horse.

You know, I'm really surprised at you, Jim.

Here, Gary's been gone a couple of days, and we haven't had a service for him.

A service?

Yeah. You know, you may not have noticed, but a lot of guys in the garage are really feeling down about him.

Well, I'm not surprised.

That horse didn't have an enemy in the world.

Well, you're a man of the cloth, Jim.

You mean, like a memorial service?


You know, like a simple eulogy.

I mean, you must have done it before, huh?

Uh... I must have.

Okay, uh... everybody?

You want to gather around?

Yeah, uh... we're going to have a little service here for Gary.

Uh... the horse, uh... died.

Bring a pew.

Nice, Bob.


Please be seated.

I'll make this as brief and simple as... possible, because I think that's the way he would have wanted it.

Now, uh, I don't know what faith Gary was raised in, but I know he was bred and raised to run.

When he was young, he was fast, and I bet it felt good.

He put everything he had into going as fast as he was able.

But, as he got older, something began to happen.

He was running just as hard, but all the other horses were passing him by.

I don't know how much animals understand, but Gary must have wondered what the hell was happening to him.

Right up to the last, you could see he thought that maybe, if he could get out there on a fast track on a warm day, it would all come back to him, because, in his heart, he was still a two-year-old.

I think, uh, when your legs give out, it's nice to have people around who understand what's in your heart.

( Sobbing softly )

Well, I can't think of anything else.

Is that enough, Alex?

Yes, that's quite enough, Jim.

Thank you.

Don't worry about it.

Yeah, I know.

Take it easy.

Hey, Ignatowski? Ignatowski?

I'm, I... I really liked what you said here.

Thanks, boss.

When the time comes, you think you could do that for my ma?

I mean, you wouldn't even need to change the words much.


Thanks, Iggy.

( Theme music playing )

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )