Taxi S2E16 Script

Tony and Brian (1980)

( Theme music playing )

Hey, guys, my play got reviewed last night.


Take a look at this. It's terrific.

All those weeks of hard work...

They finally paid off.

Well, what's it say?

"The 88th Street Actors' Workshop revival

"of Arthur Miller's timeless classic Death of a Salesman is a dog."

That's terrible.

Oh, just keep reading, keep reading.

"The staging is dull, "the pacing awkward, the direction thoughtless and the acting unbalanced."

Don't let this go to your head.

Forget it, forget it.

Just go right down to here.

"In spite of the ineptness surrounding him, "Bobby Wheeler manages to give us

"a marvelous portrayal of Biff Loman, "which should serve as an example of excellence for his fellow workshop members to emulate."

Hey, wow!

Oh, that is some review.

Thanks. The only thing that's bothering me is I always thought this critic was a jerk.

I guess I was wrong.

Hey, we won!

Yeah? Oh.

Hey, Brian!

You're looking at the kid who drove in the game-winning run in one of the greatest baseball games of all time.


It was no big deal.

No big deal? Brian came to bat in the bottom of the ninth inning.

Bases loaded, two outs, tie game.

Talk about pressure.

Most kids would've choked, but not Brian.

He came through on the very first pitch.

It hit me.

Got him to first, drove in the winning run.

All I did was get hit by a pitch.

Yeah, but you had that pitcher psyched out.

I struck out four times.

Made him cocky.

When you got it, you got it.

That's the way to talk.

Hey, so, uh, did you ask your foster parents about the movies on Sunday?

Yeah, it's okay.

Okay, come on, I'll buy you a hot chocolate.

Hey. you're coming to the gym tomorrow, right?

Can't. Tomorrow's my Scarsdale day.

Scarsdale day?

What's that mean?

Every Tuesday, Brian hangs out at the Scarsdale playgrounds, meeting rich kids.

Why is that?

Rich kids have rich parents.

He figures if he hangs around the kids, gets invited home, stays with the family, he'll get himself adopted.

Oh. You know, you don't have to be rich to adopt kids.

You know that, don't you?

They do to adopt me.

With a face like this, I'm shooting for big bucks.

You think you're gonna get adopted

'cause of your face?

Are you kidding?

Look at these dimples.

Ehh, not bad.

Not bad?

Look at them in a better light.

You're right... They're great dimples.

So, he's got to find parents quick.

You know, the older you get, the harder it is.

Yeah, most people going to adoption agencies are looking for babies.

Yeah, in this racket you're over the hill at seven.

I'm almost eight.

I thought you were nine.

Uh-oh. How'd you know that?

Your social worker told me.


I was afraid it showed.

You're holding up very well for nine.

Thanks, Alex.

I got to go.

Hey, Jeff.

Can you run him down to Brooklyn?

I'm a little busy right now, Tony.


Kid's got the cutest dimples.

I don't understand why nobody wants to adopt him.

Hey, Tony, you ever thought of adoption?

I have parents.

I think, I just think, he meant adopting Brian.

Are you kidding? I'm not even married.

No, you don't have to be married to adopt.

Single people do it all the time now.

Yeah? Yeah. Yeah.

You think they'd let me adopt him?

Well, I don't know, Tony.

Have you spent much time around kids?

Sure. I went to grade school with hundreds of them.

Oh, that's 11 years' experience.

You know...

I think you ought to think about it.

You'd make a great father.

Wow. Me a dad.

Oh, no.


( Groans )

The Long Island Bulletin really let me have it.


"Bobby Wheeler must have a terrible case of indigestion

"from all the scenery chewing he did last night.

I know I do."

Well, at least nobody reads a rag like the Long Island Bulletin.

LOUIE: All right, listen up.

I got a few extra copies of the Long Island Bulletin.

Get 'em while they're hot.

Hey, Wheeler, I brought you some Rolaids.

( Knocking )

It's us.

All right, guys. How are you?

I'm so glad you showed up. I really appreciate it.

I'm nervous as hell about this.

Oh, Tony, just relax.

Come on, I'll get some beers or something.

Hey, Tony, did you talk to the social worker yet?

Yeah, I talked to her.

She says I've got a pretty good chance of adopting this kid.

All I got to do now is pitch it to Brian.

Hey, Tony, you sure you want us here?

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, Elaine, it's gonna help having you here because you know so much about kids.

And Alex and Bobby, because you guys are my closest friends.

And Jim becau... Did I invite you?

No. I thought it was an oversight.


Tony, is something burning?




Wow, did you burn that all by yourself?

Yeah, from scratch.

I'm impressed. What was it?

Well, if I followed Elaine's recipe right... meat loaf.

Tony, I told you to cook it till it looked brown.

Yeah, but it was hard to see it through all that smoke.

Well, I think I can save it.

You know, I'm so excited about this, I can't sleep at night.

I mean, the last couple days, you know what I did?

What? Checked out schools in the area.

And I found an apartment down the hall with a bedroom.

And I mean, there's just so much to do.

Look at this guy.

Tony, just calm down. It's going to be terrific.

Oh, sure, that's easy for you to say.

All you had to do to get kids was give birth.

Gee, I feel so guilty I took the simple way out.

( Knocking )

That's him.

That's Brian.

You know, all of a sudden, I feel real strange doing this in front of a bunch of people, you know?

I mean, it's kind of personal.

Tony, what do you want us to do?

Could you wait in the other room?

Tony... the only other room is the bathroom.

I'd really appreciate it.

Well, what the heck.

Let's give it a try.

Yo! Jim, come on.

We're going to hide in the bathroom.

Okay, but I better warn you... I'm good at this.

One thousand one... one thousand...

No, no, Jim, Jim.

You're going to hide with us.

Okay, but you're making it a lot easier.

One thousand one...

( knocking )

Tony, I made it.

I found a couple... The Brennans...

And they're loaded.

What are you talking about?

I was at the Scarsdale playground when I met a kid.

He's staying with his aunt and uncle.

I got invited home for dinner, and now they want me to move in.

These people already said they're going to adopt you?

No, they just asked me to stay for a while but, once I'm there, they'll get used to having me around.

Have you checked this out with your foster parents?

Yeah. I even talked to my social worker.

The agency, too.

Believe me, this little waif is home free.

What's that?

Oh, that's some meat loaf I cooked us up for lunch.

I'm a vegetarian.

When did you become a vegetarian?

When I looked at this meat loaf.

( Horn honking )

That's the Brennans.

They're waiting downstairs for me.

I got to go.

Hey, Brian, are you sure this is it?

This is what you want?

Close enough.

Hey, Brian, maybe somebody will come along who wants to adopt you...

Somebody even better than the Brennans.

You mean Princess Grace answered my letter?

Oh... what I mean is...

Brian, are you sure the Brennans are it?

I mean, is your mind made up?

I know a good deal when I see it.

( Clinking )

Tony, I think there's someone in your bathroom.

Oh, yeah, that's Alex, Elaine, Bobby and Jim.

They had to freshen up.

Oh, yeah.

You told me they do everything together.

See you.

ALL: Bye, Brian.

Well, I got to split.

See you.


Come on, Tony.

We're still friends.

We can still go to the games together, and I'll treat from now on.

Yeah, sure, why... you know. Sure.

See you.

( Door closes )

We heard, Tony.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't believe Brian would do that to you, man.

Oh, just forget it. You know, kids are impulsive.

They change their minds all the time. Really You don't know Brian.

Oh, Tony, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm all right.

Hey, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to be alone for a little while.

Yeah, okay. We understand. Let's go.

Sure. We understand.

Listen. Call me, you know?

See you, Tony.


Ready or not, here I come!

Don't help me.

Here you go.

Hey, what a night you had.

You're getting the hang of this, huh, Banta?

Hey, Louie, if you don't mind, I'd like to drive the day shift, too.

Hey, uh, Tony... want to take a break and have a cup of coffee?

Nah. I want to hit the streets, man.

What are you trying to prove, huh?

Nothing. I'm just trying to make some extra money.

Tony, you're not going to win Brian back by hustling more fares, you know.

You cannot compete financially with the Brennans.

I'm not competing.

I just feel like driving more since he walked out on me.

ELAINE: Tony, don't blame Brian.

He's just a confused little boy.

You know something?

I'm getting sick and tired of all this tolerance.

I mean, we're talking about a nine-year-old kid whose values are all messed up, and I think we should stop tolerating him just because he's had a hard life.

What are you getting so mad about, Alex?

What I'm getting mad about?

I'll tell you what I'm getting mad about.

I'm getting mad that he did this and that you let him do it, and that money perverts our values and hurts people, and that money stinks, and that I don't have any.

No, no, no, no. Tony, Tony, look, now.

I think somebody's got to straighten that kid out.

In fact, I think you ought to go over to the Brennan house and tell the kid you're going to adopt him.

Why not? Oh, no. I'm not arguing with Brian over this.

Because, every time I argue with him, he outwits me.

I've seen you outwitted by a pop-top can.

Besides, I can't go intruding in on the Brennans.

I mean, number one: I'd feel uncomfortable just barging in.

Number two: I don't know how to act around people like that.

And, number three: They don't even know me.

You know, Number four... you're just making excuses, and you know that.

Maybe you're right, Alex.

Maybe I'll go over there this afternoon.

That's the way to talk. Great.

If you'll go with me.

Hmm? Nah. Me? I'm not going to go over there.

Why not?

Well, number one:

I'd feel uncomfortable intruding on them.

Number two: They don't even know me.

Number three: I don't know how to act around people like that.

And, number four...

What did you say number four was?

Mr. Brennan asked if you would wait in the library.

Is it far from here?

This is the library.

Oh, they got one in their house.

I'll tell Mr. and Mrs. Brennan you're here.

Thank you.

Wow! Who'd build a nice house like this next to a bunch of stables?

Maybe the house was here first, and the horses moved in later.

Makes more sense.

Hi, Tony. Hi, Alex.

Hey, Brian.

This is a great place you got here.

I'm sure here are disadvantages, too. Aren't there?

Yeah, you're right.

The pool's overheated.

Oh, well, suffering builds character, kid. You know?



Oh, Mr. And Mrs. Brennan, this is Tony and Alex.

Oh, Tony, Alex.

It's a pleasure.

We've heard a lot about you.

Especially you, Tony.

I understand you're an excellent boxer.

I stretched it a little.

Brian says you have a very impressive knockout record.

Oh, yeah. Once, I was out for almost an hour.

Well, I hope to be a contender someday but, right now, I make my living driving a cab.

Shall we sit down?

Please, sit.

Oh, thanks.

And what do you do, Alex?

Me? I drive a cab also.

And you box, too?

No, I just drive a cab.

Oh, Well, what do you want to do?


May I offer you a brandy?

Oh, you bet.

Thank you.

If you gentlemen will excuse me, I have to check on dinner.

Will you be staying?

No, I don't think so.

Well, if you change your minds, you're certainly welcome.

Thank you.

And you, young man, be sure and wash your hands before dinner.

I wish she'd take off her rings before she does that.

Well, Tony, I admit I don't know very much about boxing, but I do find Muhammad Ali interesting.

What's he doing these days?

Last time I saw him, he was in Alaska selling batteries.

Uh... thank you.

You know, if you're short on brandy, I could have a beer.

Oh, no.

That's the amount of brandy you're supposed to get.

Oh... right, right.

Well, I... I did a lot of odd jobs while I was going through school, but I never drove a cab.

What's that like?

Well, it's a lot like boxing, only there are a lot fewer people around when you get beat up.

Uncle John, you got a long distance telephone call.

Oh, thank you.

Excuse me, Alex, Tony.

Hey, Brian, you want to go play tennis before dinner?

Sorry, Tommy. I'm visiting with my friends.

Tony and Alex, this is Tommy, the Brennans' nephew.

Nice meeting you.

Oh, hi, Tommy.

Nice meeting you.

Before I came along, this was their idea of cute.

Catch you later.

Brian, Alex and I got to go.

You just got here.

I know, but we just wanted to stop by and see how you were doing, and you're doing great, so we're going to get out of here.

Oh, no, no, no. Damn it, you're not going to leave here until you tell that kid what you came here to tell him.

But you see his mind's made up.

I'm sorry. I don't buy that.

Listen kid, there are a lot more important things in this life than money, you know?

Name three.

Friends, happiness and health.

Three that money can't buy.

You're right. He's great.

Brian, I was hoping you weren't going to be so happy here so it wasn't so terrific.


Brian, uh... On your knees.

I've been thinking about this a lot, and I didn't mention it to you before because... well, I had to make sure it was going to work, and because you had the Brennans and all... but I think you're terrific.

I'd be so proud if you were my son.

We'd have great times together.

And I'd do, I'd do my very best to make your life the best it can be.

Geez, what kind of choice is this for an eight-year-old?

A nine-year-old.

Oh, we're going to get nasty.

So you don't want me to be your dad?

You make it hard.

Yeah, well, he can make it a lot tougher, you know.


Well, by mentioning a few things... like all the great times that you two have had together.

Things like that, huh?

( Clears throat )

Hmm? Down on my knees?

Like how big a part of your life Tony is, and vice versa.

And how he wants to adopt you because he loves you, not because he feels sorry for you.

And maybe, just maybe, because of a feeling that he has, and that I have, and maybe even you have, that you would be a lot happier with Tony than you could be with these people.

Tony, I'm sorry.

But I've got to think about my future.

You're right.

Let's get out of here.

Nice meeting you, Mrs. Brennan.

Oh. Leaving so soon?

Yeah. We just remembered we got something else to do.

Well, I'm glad you dropped by. Come again.

Oh, thanks.

Listen, if you ever think about adopting an older kid...

Like, 42 years old... call me.

( Phone ringing )


Oh, hi, Alex. How you doing?

No, man, no.

I'm not in the mood to see anything I got to think about.

And I already seen Horse Feathers anyway.

Yeah. Yeah. No. I'll give you a call.

Okay. Bye, man.

Man, the traffic in this city is incredible!

Brian, you changed your mind.

Sure did.

Have any extra hangers?

This is great!

I knew you'd come through.

There's more important things in this world than money.

Oh, man. Am I happy to hear you say that.

Hey, Brian, I swear, I'm going to make this work.

You'll see.

Hey, did the Brennans take it hard?

They'll get over it.

Well, maybe I should call them and let them know that you got here okay, huh?

Don't bother.

Nah. They'll worry if I don't do it.

Tony, I said don't.

What's going on, Brian?

Oh, you're never going to believe this, but they didn't want to adopt me.

Do you have any shoe trees?

They didn't want you? How come?

I don't know.

I guess they got no taste.

I'm going to need a drawer.

I see.

So you're ready to settle for me now?

You got it, Dad.

Why don't you burn something up for dinner?

"Dad" nothing.

I ain't going to be nobody's second choice.

Sure, you're ready to come back to me now

'cause they don't want you.

Hey, come on, Pop. Lighten up.

Hey, Brian, tell me something.

What happens tomorrow if a family even richer than the Brennans comes along, and they want to adopt you?

You'll go with them?

Hey, come on, Tony, remember?

We're buddies.

Think of all the good times we can have together.

Don't hit me with that smile, Brian.

Dimples either.

I know all those tricks, man, and none of them are going to work.

You know, I've taken some shots in my life, but the ones you've given me...

They topped them all.

So just pack what you unpacked and hit the road, pal.

Tony, I didn't want to have to say this, but... you backed me into a corner.

I love you, Tony.

There's such a thing as being too easy.

Hey, wait a minute.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

Let's cut these cards right now...

See whether you stay or leave.

High card wins.

I can't be any fairer than that, can I?

Yeah, you're right.

That's fair.

Okay, but I'll tell you something, Brian.

This is it. This is the final one.

Win or lose, you got to stick by the consequences.


Come on, high card.

Come on, high card.

You go first.

It's an eight.

It's a king.

I win.

I get to keep you.

( Theme music playing )

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )