Taxi S2E17 Script

Guess Who's Coming for Brefnish (1980)

( Theme music playing )


Excuse me.

I'm here to see Mr. Mackenzie about the secretarial position.

Yes, ma'am.

If you'll just wait over here with the other contestants we'll get to you as soon as we can.

Thank you.

Oh, uh... by the way, I hope you get the job.

You're my favorite.

( Chuckles ): Oh...

Oh...

Yes, ma'am. You must be here for the secretarial position.

If you'll just come over here.

And by the way... I hope you get the job.

You're my favorite.

And I'm not just saying that because you've got great bagonzas.

I can't believe the way Louie is kissing up to these women just because one of them is going to be the boss's secretary.

ALEX: Oh...

Bad news, Louie.

What?

I got robbed.

Huh?

Tony, you okay, man?

Nah, it was nothing. I'm fine, really.

How much did they get?

Close to everything... 100 bucks.

Nice going, dough-brain.

You just blew your biggest booking night in six months.

Here, fill out this report and give it back to me, momo.

What are you getting so mad at me for?

The guy could have blown my brains out.

So could a good sneeze.

Come on, hey, what happened? What happened?

What's the matter?

Was it a big guy? Were you scared?

Nah, it was nothing. He was a kid.

He couldn't have been 20 years old.

Yeah, was he armed?

He put his hand in his pocket, pointed it at me.

It could have been a gun. I don't know.

What was his name?

He didn't say.

Sounds like a pro.

Well, uh, did he say anything at all?

Yeah, he said, "Give me your money or I'll kill you."

You mean he gave you an out?

WOMAN: Excuse me.

I was just instructed to tell you, you can all leave.

The position has been filled.

You're the boss's new secretary?

See that, everybody?

My favorite got it.

All right, all right, all right, you heard the lady.

Beat it, rejects.

Come on, come on, get out of here.

This ain't no coffee klatsch.

Come on, hyah! Hyah!

WOMAN: Yackavay.

Yackavay?

Yackavay?

ELAINE: She spoke Latka's language.

LATKA: Excuse me.

( Speaking native language )

( Speaking same language )

Isn't this great, Latka?

A girl from back home.

I know. Goody-goody.

( Speaking native language )

Latka Gravas.

( Speaking native language )

( Speaking native language )

Hi. Hi.

What did she say, Latka?

She say her name is Simka Dahblitz.

Not the Simka Dahblitz.

No, certainly not.

No, sir, no.

Hey, you speak English?

English, yes.

Hey, terrific!

How long have you been in this country?

Oh, thank you.

Don't mention it.

Latka, ask her if she still needs a job.

Doing what, Louie?

I think I might be able to find something around here that would interest her.

You like to go with boss man make big, shiny new quarter?

There's no romance left.

Uh, Simka, would you like to sit down?

ALEX: Yeah, sit down, please.

Thank you.

What brought you to our country?

Simka?

( Speaking native language )

America.

( Speaking native language )

Oh, I see.

She say the reason she come to America is to-to, because, oh... in my country the mountain people are all moving into the villages and there is much hatred.

Why?

Because no one likes the mountain people.

Why?

Because they are mountain people.

Hey, have you heard this one?

Eh, how many mountain people do it take to milk the goat?

( Speaking native language )

Well?

I'm sure I don't know.

Five... one to hold the beeshees and four to raise the goat up and down.

Hold the beeshees.

You like, Simka?

Oh, yes, that was very funny.

Well, Simka, I am going to show you America.

Oh, goody-goody.

Come, I will teach you how to speak English, so you can speak good like me.

And we will see everything and do everything, okay?

So, don't go away and I will be right back.

I just going to get my coat.

Don't go away now.

Simka, you and Latka are getting along so well.

I think he likes you.

Is very bad.

Oh, no, no, no... like is good.

No, you do not understand.

I am a mountain person.

Oh, yeah?

Did you hear the one about how many mountain people it takes...

Jim!

I think she's heard it.

But I thought you said you left your country because... to get away from the mountain people.

No, I left my country because to get away from the flatlanders who hate us.

Please, please... don't tell Latka.

( All consent softly )

LATKA: Okay!

As they say in America, we're ready when you are.

Bye-bye. Hey, Latka. Bye.

Latka, where you going to take her?

Oh, I am going to show her all the sights of New York City.

I'm going to show her the lights of Broadway and the Statue of Liberty and the apartment of a lonely, lonely man.

Here we go.

Thanks.

Thanks, Tom.

Hey, there you are.

Guys, how you doing?

Hey, Tom, another glass. One more glass.

Have a seat.

How did your dinner with Latka and Simka go last night?

Oh, it was terrific.

Yeah?

They're such a cute little couple.

A "cute little couple"?

ELAINE: Yeah.

You think they'd like to be called "a cute little couple"?

Latka told me to call them that.

He said that if they ever get married, he's going to put that on their mailbox.

You know, I've never seen Latka so happy.

He runs around the garage singing, laughing slapping people on the back...

Pinching people on the rear end.

ALEX: Oh.

Takes me by surprise every time he does it.

Oh? I'm starting to get used to it.

I'm starting to look forward to it.

ELAINE: Oh!

Hey, Tony, want to go in the back and play some air hockey?

Something I said? What is it?

Hey, uh, can I play?

Hey, Jim, it's a game for two guys.

You know that.

Okay, I'll, uh... I'll just watch.

It makes me nervous when you watch, you know?

Okay, I'll close my eyes.

It throws my game off, like, even if you're in the same room... you know.

Okay, uh... I'll just stay here.

Fine.

Just as long as I'm included.

Yo!

Oh, hi, Simka, Latka.

Sit down.

Hey, how are you two getting along, huh?

Very good.

Aren't we a cute couple?

As bugs' ears, yes, you are.

Oh, we had such A-one day today.

Oh, Latka showed me many things I never in my life think I see.

Yeah? Well, where have you been?

Well, we went to the Automat, we went to the subway, and we went to car wash.

The usual tourist traps, I see.

Oh, and also we went to see a musical show called Grease.

Oh, how did you like it?

I was disappointed.

Well, he thought it was going to be about mechanics.

Would you like a refreshment?

Oh, yes, I like a mushi please.

Isn't this something?

Here you come all the way to this country and then you have a relationship with somebody from back home.

I know. It's very nice, but I am... I am afraid that it all must end when the truth comes out.

You mean Latka still doesn't know that you're a...

A mountain.

ALEX: Yeah, a mountain?

No, but I think I must tell him very soon.

Yeah, the longer you wait, the worse it can get.

Oh, yeah.

I know what you mean.

You're saying that if she doesn't tell him she's a mountain person and he finds out she's a mountain person, he's going to be upset.

Not only because she's a mountain person, but because she didn't tell him she's a mountain person.

I have my moments.

Although it does cost me.

I think I'll go home and sleep for a while.

So long, Jim.

Good-bye.

Simka, trust Latka.

Okay, here you go.

Is mushi.

Well, what have you all been talking about?

Not me, I hope.

Latka, I have something to tell you, which I don't know how I'm going to be telling you.

Ya?

Is it that you love me?

No.

You know those mountain people jokes you have been telling?

Yeah.

Well, I am a mountain person!

And this is for my mother!

And this is for my father!

This is for my grandfather!

I hope you have a small family.

And this is for stepping on my heart and telling me you do not like me anymore because I am a mountain person.

I did not say I don't like you.

You are ashamed to be with me now.

That is not true.

Then look at me, Latka, and tell me nothing has changed.

Nothing has changed.

Look at me, Latka.


It's hard... it's hard to do this when you keep moving.

So long, Latka.

Wait, wait, don't go.

Louie?

Huh?

I want to go home. Can I please go home?

I have... I'm not feeling too well.

What's the matter?

I have the blues.

It don't work that way, Latka.

There's only three reasons to leave work early.

Loss of limb, excessive bleeding, and heart attack.

And heart attack is a judgment call I make.

Alex... Elaine, I have a problem.

Oh! Well.

Can I please talk to you?

Sit down. You've come to the right people.

Now, you just sit down.

Is this where you...

Is this where you want me to sit?

Yeah.

Uh... it's about Simka.

Oh.

Ever since we broke up, I am feel terrible.

I cannot eat I cannot sleep...

Well, Latka, why don't you just go to Simka and ask her to forgive you?

I mean, you still like her, don't you?

Of course, but, you see, in my country, there is nothing worse a person can do than to date a mountain girl.

My mother would rather that I date a pig than a mountain girl.

It would have been better if a pig would have walked into garage and said, "Hello, Latka."

Then I could at least call up my family and say, "Hello, yes, I am dating a pig."

They would not have been crazy about it, but at least, they would have welcomed it into the family, after a while, especially after we had children.

Um... Alex, um... Huh?

Do you want to say anything to him?

Say anything?

You want me to... you want me tell the guy how to live his life?

Please, Alex.

I knew that this was gonna happen.

Look, Latka, why don't you just stop a minute and think about Simka, hmm?

Think about the week you just spent with her.

Think about the places that you went to.

Think about the way she laughs.

Think about her, uh...

Think about the way her hand feels in yours.

Think about her... the way her hair smells.

The nape of her neck.

Think about how she looks at you when you hold her.

How her eyelash tickles your cheek.

Think about all that.

If you can think about all that and still not get off your yaktabe and go over there and give her a big make-up kiss then I wish you'd tell me right now, because I'm beginning to think that I'm going to do it. Ha-ha!

All right. You're right, Alex.

I'm going to tell her.

Louie.

Louie.

What?

Louie, I need some time off.

What for?

'Cause I'm in love.

Latka, if I left the garage every time my spokes needed greasing, I'd never get any work done.

Now, get back to your cab.

Louie, damn it, now listen to me!

This is the last time you're going to do anything like that. Wait, wait.

Alex, Alex, no yelling and screaming and fighting.

I mean, let a lady handle this.

( Clears throat )

Louie, um, if you don't let Latka off this afternoon, I'm going to report you to the board of labor relations, and I'm going to tell them every rotten thing that you've ever done in this garage.

Ha!

You report me to the board of labor relations, and I'll fire you.

You fire me, and I'll report you to the union.

You report me to the union, and I'll see to it that you get a rotten cab out of this garage every night.

You give me a rotten cab out of the garage every night, and I'll report you to the hack bureau.

You report me to the hack bureau, and I'll kick you in the shin.

You kick me in the shin, and I'll kick you where you live.

( Grumbling )

( Louie growling ): Get out of here, Latka.

Hello, Latka.

Simka, where have you been?

I thought maybe you change your mind about meeting me.

No, I'm late because I have a job now.

Oh, a job.

Sit down.

So, what do you do?

I am working at the race track.

They have a rake which goes around and cleans up after the horses, and they need people to sit on it to make it heavy.

I am the one in the middle.

I told you that America was the land of opportunity.

It's good to see you again, Latka.

It's good to see you, too.

I have good news for you.

I have decided that I love you and I don't care that you are mountain.

I am willing to disgrace myself to be with you.

I called my family and told them I am dating a mountain girl.

My mother, she disowned me.

My grandpa put a curse on me.

My brother said he never want to see me again, and my crazy uncle Dahbi gave me his blessings.

So I am all yours.

You mountain people sure have a strange way of expressing great joy.

I am sorry, Latka, but we cannot be dating again.

No, no, you don't understand.

I just said it's all right.

No, no, you do not understand.

We cannot see each other again.

Well, sure, maybe not out in the street in broad daylight, but... No, Latka.

Why not?

Because of your feelings, I will always be mountain to you.

I will get over that.

And because you will never believe I am as good as you.

You are in the ballpark.

And because, by now, I have found somebody else.

In fact, he is meeting me here tonight.

Does he know about you?

Yes, he does, and you know what?

He doesn't care.

MAN: Simka.

Oh, John.

Oh, Latka Gravas, this is John Hannen.

Pleased to meet you. John is the man I was telling you about.

This is the fellow you are dating?

SIMKA: That's right.

He sure is gorgeous.

Thank you. Thank you.

You two met on the rake?

No, I'm a surgeon.

Oh, a surgeon.

It's no good.

He is never home.

You always want to be with him.

He won't be there for you.

I only work two days a week.

It's no good.

He's always home, always getting underfoot, always in the way when you're cleaning house. No priva...

JOHN: I have a housekeeper, and I spend most of my day during the week sailing.

Do you have a sister?

Are you ready to go?

In a sec.

Well... I'm very sorry, Latka.

So am I.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Wait, wait, Simka.

Wait. Can I talk to you just for a minute?

Just for a minute.

I just want to tell you something.

I... I hope that you are very happy, and I have learned my lesson.

I think you are a wonderful girl, and I am proud to be the man whose life you have totally wrecked.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

I've got to close her up, Latka, but you can stay and have a drink if you like.

Thank you.

Hey, Tommy.

Yeah?

Could... could you please play the song that me and Simka used to love together?

Yeah, which one was that one?

A-7.

( "Summer Nights" playing )

♪ Summer lovin' had me a blast ♪

♪ Summer lovin' happened so fast ♪

♪ I met a girl... ♪ Tommy... Yeah, Latka?

You want to hear a joke?

Sure, go ahead.

How does a mountain... how does a mountain girl make love?

I don't know.

Like an angel.

♪ Tell me more, tell me more ♪

♪ Did you get very far? ♪

♪ Tell me more, tell me more ♪

♪ Like does he have a car? ♪

♪ Dop, de-dop, de-dop, de-do-do-de-dop ♪

♪ She swam by me, she got a cramp ♪

♪ He ran by me, got myself damp ♪

♪ I saved her life, she nearly drowned ♪

♪ He showed off, splashing around... ♪

( Theme music playing )


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Walters mutters )