Taxi S2E20 Script

Shut It Down: Part 2 (1980)

( Theme music playing )


ANNOUNCER: Last week on Taxi:

Yeah, you might say that, Louie.

You know, the cabs, they been falling apart lately, and Tony's brakes... They just went out on him.

I mean, every time we go out of here, our lives are in danger, and we think it's about time you do something about it.

Go blow-dry your face.

What are you...?

Hey! Hey!

Nardo's your new shop steward, huh?

Wise choice.

( Snickering )

And I also said that we're on strike.

( Chanting ): Shut it down! Shut it down!

Shut it down!

Shut it down!

One date to save cabbies' lives.

You'd give in to all of our demands... if I go on one date with you?

You're taking advantage of something that's really decent in me to satisfy some indecent needs of your own.

How does that make you feel?

Horny as all get-out.

( Whistling )

Well, welcome back, boys.

Don't get your hopes up, Louie.

These negotiations fall through between you and Elaine, we're going right back to the picket line.

Oh, they're not going to fall through, Wheeler. Uh-uh.

By the way, what concessions did you make?

I'm not allowed to discuss that until after the negotiations.

Haven't you ever heard of the Taft-Hartley Act?

Hey, I used to see them on The Ed Sullivan Show.

Taft was the goofy one, right?

( Humming )

♪ That's why the lady ♪

♪ That's why the lady ♪

♪ That's why the lady ♪

♪ Is a tramp, tramp, tramp, tramp... ♪ You know, there's something weird here?

Yesterday, we were at a total impasse.

Today, everything's fine.

Hey, Alex, listen. Elaine says everything's going fine, and we just have to trust her.

By the way, where is Elaine tonight?

She sad she was going to take the night off to rest.

Yeah. You know, I think the pressure of being shop steward is finally getting to Elaine.

Why do you say that?

You know how, like, when she gets nervous, she starts biting fingernails?

Well, today, she started in on mine.

Hey, uh... guys.

I need your opinion here on which is the best aftershave.

Oh, Louie.

Okeydoke.

The best-smelling.

Jeesh!

Rieger, I think your honker is most suited for this task.

I mean, uh...

I mean, you could smell these things from home.

Go on.

( Sniffs )

That one seems ideal.

My choice, too.

"Cruel Cavalier."

Won't be a mosquito near him all night.

Boy, Elaine sure turned out to be a good shop steward.

I'm hoping she turns out to be a great one.

There's something strange going on.

What did you say Elaine was doing tonight?

I told you. She was going to take a night off...

Get her mind off work.

Boy.

I don't know why they put so many pins in these new shirts.

Takes you an hour to get them off.

Hey, Lou, just what is it exactly you're getting prepared for tonight?

Oh, I got a little social engagement.

( Chuckling )

I don't even know why I'm putting this shirt on.

In a couple of hours, it's going to be ripped from my body.

Hey, if you guys will excuse me, I'm going to go over to Elaine's apartment and see how she's doing.

All right.

Okay. Say hi.

Hey, Rieger.

You got a clean handkerchief on you?

Thanks.

Welcome back, Rieger.

Hey, Lou, you missed one of the pins.

Where? Here.

Ow!

Nice to be back, Lou.

( Doorbell rings )

You're early, and she doesn't live here, and I have a headache!

Oh, God. It's true.

Oh, Alex, what are you doing here?

Who were you expecting, Elaine?

My date. Uh... somebody you don't know.

Oh? Tell me about him.

Oh, well, uh, his name is Joe, and he's a tall blond doctor, and he likes me very much, and won't hurt me.

Elaine, I know all about it.

I just left Louie at the garage in mid-drool.

I'm absolutely terrified about this whole thing.

I mean, it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

Elaine, you don't have to do this.

The duties of a shop steward do not entail mixing business with terror.

It's not part of a shop steward's duties to date Louie, you know.

Stubby Detmuller never did it.

There was that one time when he went out dancing with Louie on New Year's Eve.

I'm just trying to cheer you up.

I don't need cheering up.

I need tanking up.

( Knock at door )

Hide me!

Open the door and feast your eyes on a 150 pounds of hickey bait!

Alex, if I ask you real nice, will you take this bottle and beat me senseless?

Elaine, want me to talk to him...

Tell him the whole thing's off?

No. No, no. It can't be off.

Oh...

Oh, I got to go through with this.

I mean, it's the only way we're going to settle the strike.

Would you watch him while I get ready?

( Knocking )

Please open the door!

You don't know how long I've waited to feast my eyes on your loveliness.

What are you doing here, Rieger?

Elaine was called away.

I'm the deputy shop steward, and I'm taking over.

Drinky-poo?

Cut the jokes, Rieger.

Where's Nardo?

Ah! My little girl is getting ready.

Well, this gives me an opportunity to get to know the man she's dating.

Sit down, young man.

And tell me... what is it you do for a living?

What are you talking about, Rieger?

You know I'm a dispatcher.

Oh, a dispatcher.

I thought you were much more than that.

You seem like vermin.

You're getting in the way of my good time, Rieger.

Now, why don't you take a powder?

Ah, the impatience of youth.

Tell me, young man, are your intentions honorable here?

My intentions, Rieger, are to take a trip around the moon.

Now, where is she?

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Just take it easy.

Just take it easy.

I'll see if she's ready.

Elaine, your young snake is here.

What are you talking about, Rieger?

Nardo is going to have the time of her life tonight.

I got this whole evening programmed.

There's not a man, woman, or child that we're going to bump into tonight who isn't on my payroll.

I been out all morning greasing palms.

I'll bet.

( Chuckling )

Come on out, my little vision!

What the hell is this?

Now, now. The little lady's wise.

There's a lot of flu going around these days.

You know how easy it is to pick up a little bug.

I found out.

Nardo, you look like Nanook of the North.

There was nothing in our agreement about how I had to dress.

Well, it's getting late. I've got to go.

I'll leave you two kids to your fun.

Uh, Louie, don't you think it would be nice if Alex came with us?

Now, now, now, Elaine, come on, you gave your word.

You got to go through with this.

You got to go through with it.

Elaine, please. Elaine.

Now listen, Louie.

Incidentally, all kidding aside, if you try anything with Elaine... and I'll kill you.

It will take the coroner a week to pry the grin off my face.

Besides, you'll have to catch me.

I'll catch you.

I'll just send the hounds out after the scent of "Cruel Cavalier." Whoo!

Now don't be afraid, my little one.

Are you ready to take your magic carpet ride with me?

( Sighs )

One last request?

Could I call my children at the baby-sitter's?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Call the tots.

Tell them hi from Uncle Lou.

Hi, Mrs. Williams.

Yes, I'd like to speak to my children, please, uh, both of them, so could you put their little ears to the receiver?

Hi, babies.

( Sobbing )

I want you to remember that no matter what happens... no matter what you hear about tonight I want you to always remember your mother the way she was the last time you saw her...

Young and fresh and happy.

And I love you very much.

Okay.

( Sobbing ): Okay, good-bye.

( Smacking lips ) Good-bye.

( Smacking lips ) Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Good-bye. Good-bye.

Nardo, I don't think you're going into this with the right attitude.

Let's just get this over with.

Allow me.

The ice is broken.

( Hawaiian music plays )

Okay, come on.

Sit right down there.

May I get you one of our exotic cocktails?

Oh, yes, Fritz.

I'd like two monsoons, please.

Yes. Very good, Mr. De Palma.

( Chuckles )

You're going to love this drink.

I kind of thought, Nardo, that we'd have a little trouble with the conversation department, so I took the liberty to write up some notes here.

I mean, you know, it's things that you would say to me and my answers back to you.

Here's your copy.

You've written our entire conversation?

Well, not the whole thing, but just to get us rolling here.

You have the first line.

"I guess you know I have two children."

"Ah, children."

"Reminds me of the old phrase:"

"'Better is a poor and wise child than an old and foolish king.'"

That's interesting.

Read.

"That's interesting."

"It must be hard, raising two kids and holding down two jobs."

"Well, I don't complain."

"Should we order dinner now?"

"No, I think we should order another drink.

I'm really enjoying our conversation."

Ah.

Here you go.

There you go, sir.

Thank you, Edmundo.

Oh!

Ooh!

( Guttural chuckling )

Oh, well, maybe we better skip down there because my timing's a little off here.

That's not my line.

Yeah. Yeah, that's your line right there.

"You have beautiful eyes."

"Thank you."

"Now, let's tear up this piece of paper and dance, stallion."

I'm not going to dance, Louie.

Nardo, it's not a date unless you dance with me.

You want to call the whole thing off?

Do you even know how to dance?

I mean, I like dancing.

I don't want to get out there and embarrass myself.

Are you kidding?

I do a great tango.

Tango at the Tide Pool?

Yeah. I spent all morning taking lessons from a gay Spanish guy.

Louie, look at that band.

They don't even look like they'd know a tango.

Play, savages!

( Drum roll )

( Tango playing )

Kick!

Kick!

Kick!

And in and out and out and up, and slide, and...

Come on, Fritz!

Get 'em up!


LOUIE: So the guy says the guy says to the farmer

"Just give me what the rooster gets."

( laughing )

Oh, well.

Oh, well, home again, home again jiggedy-jog.

Home? Is it over?

Well, Elaine, wasn't that Tide Pool everything I told you it was going to be?

I mean, I'll bet you never been to a place where the waiter prepares your food at the table.

Pork chops?

Aw, boy. You know something?

I never knew that you were such a drinker.

I mean, you put away six monsoons, and that's gotta be a Tide Pool record.

You don't even look the least bit sloshed.

And that's not even counting the three drinks I had before you arrived.

You had three drinks before I got here?

To wash down the Valium.

Geez. I thought something like that would kill a person.

So did I.

Good night, Louie.

What are you...?!

Whoa! What do you mean... Good night?

Evening's young!

Come on, Nardo.

We got leftover garlic bread and shrimp puffs.

Come on!

I thought maybe you'd invite me in for a little midnight snack.

Good night, Louie.

The deal's over.

Deal? You're still talking deal?

Come on, Nardo.

That deal was made when we were rational people, not pagans.

Aw, don't blow that thing again.

Just don't come near me.

Come on, Louie, it's late.

I just want to go in and shower and burn my clothes.

Wait, wait.

Hold on, here, Nardo.

I had just about enough of this.

You know, I shelled out some good money on you tonight.

The least you could have done was strip down to your dress.

I know you're in there somewhere.

Louie, please, it's been a long day for both of us.

Now, come on, let's just say good night.

Okay. Oh, okay, you're right.

Okay, I'm going to go.

But you know something, Elaine?

I mean, if you'd have just... just relaxed a little bit tonight, you might have had a good time.

But, no, no, you won't allow yourself to have fun with me.

( Sighs )

I was looking forward to it all day.

I mean, I get dressed up real swell.

Take a beautiful woman out on the town...

I guess I'm just not as sophisticated as you.

No "Wait, Louie"?

Okay, so maybe I'm...

I'm a little rough around the edges, all right?

All I wanted was to have one classy evening in my life but most of all, I wanted you to have a good time, maybe change your opinion of me.

Nothing.

If it will make you feel any better, Elaine, I didn't have any fun either.

And if you think that it's impossible to hurt my feelings, well, you're wrong.

Just a second, Louie.

If it will make you feel any better... the evening wasn't totally rotten.

Actually, uh... I almost enjoyed the dancing.

You know?

Especially when everybody got around in a big circle you know, and started clapping.

( laughing )

( Chuckling )

Enthusiasm like that doesn't come cheap.

( Humming )

Ha-ha!

Ah!

Oh!

Oh, Nardo.

Ah, Louie.

Thank you, Louie.

Yeah?

Yeah. It was okay.

You really mean that?

Yeah, I do.

I knew it.

I knew you were starting to have fun.

Oh, a little bit.

Just a little? A little bit.

Aw, Nardo. You know what, Nardo?

You know what would round this evening out?

A good night kiss.

Oh, come on. All right, that's it.

Now, come on, come on!

Oh, come on, come on!

Just a little kiss, come on.

It would mean a lot to me.

Come on.

All right, come on, just a little peck on my...!

Peck.

Come on!

Come on, just show me that, like, you know, this evening wasn't a total disaster, you don't think any less of me.

All right, all right.

Here. There.

I'll put the shrimp puffs down.

Okay, I put the garlic bread there, all right?

Okay? All right.

I'll stand over here.

I'll put my hands at my sides.

I won't move.

And you can kiss me.

Go ahead. I'll close my eyes.

Come on.

Come on.


( Muffled shouting )


Well...

Thanks. I really had a good time.


( Theme music playing )


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )