Taxi S2E23 Script

Fantasy Borough: Part 1 (1980)

( Theme music playing )

Hey, guys.

You're never gonna believe who I had in my cab last night.



We give up. Who?


Hey, it is what's-his-name.

That's Herve Villechaize. Yeah.

Yeah, you know, the little guy from Fantasy Island.

He left these pictures in my cab last night.

Well, your first celebrity fare. Congratulations.

Well, it's not my first, Alex.

You see, uh, once I had a guy who went to school with Leonard Nimoy.


Is that that guy... The guy from Fantasy Island?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, I-I do an impression of him.

Cracks Ma up every time.

You want to hear it?

No. No. No.

Okay, it goes like this here.

( Imitating Villechaize ): Hey, boss. Hello, boss.

How are you, boss?

Here come the plane, boss.

What you want, boss?

You like it?

Not bad, but could you do the guy who went to school with Leonard Nimoy?

Envy is an ugly emotion, Rieger.

Bye-bye, boss.

See you.

Hey, Nardo. How are you?

Hey, Banta.

How you doing?

BOBBY: Hey, Tony!

You know, he left a negative in here.

He's probably going to need this stuff.

Oh, yeah? I better call him.

I left him off at the Plaza.

Ooh, Tony, could you get his autograph for my kids?

I'll see what I can do.

Uh, what is going on here?

Oh, Latka, Tony had this big TV star in his cab last night.

Yeah, from Fantasy Island... Look.

They probably don't get Fantasy Island in Latka's country.

They usually get old rerun our old shows, you know.

What's your most popular TV show in your country, Latka?

Oh, I would say, The Drofnikis.

What's that?

Oh... "Hey, Ralphie boy... How you doing?"

"Oh, Alice, one of these days, pow!

Right, right, right in... right into the moon."

Oh, yeah, yeah... The Honeymooners.

And also, you know, we also enjoy I Nik-nik Lucy.

Yeah, well, we enjoy that one, too, Latka.

He wasn't there, but I left our number.

He's going to call later.

So what is this, uh, Fantasy Island?

Well, actually, Latka, there really isn't a fantasy island.

Boy, I wish there was a place like that.

Imagine, some place you could go and live out all your fantasies.

You got fantasies you want to live out, Tony?

Oh, sure.

Like what?

I ain't gonna talk about 'em.

They're private.

( Chuckles ) I know what it is.

Middleweight Champion of the World, right?

Ha, ha, ha.

You only say that 'cause all you think I am is a dumb boxer.

Not true, Banta.

I don't think you're a dumb boxer.

You don't, Lou?


I thank you're a bad boxer.

I think you're a dumb person.

Well, I think you guys would be real surprised if you really knew what I really thought about.

New York University, please.

NYU, right.

Hey, you know who you are?

You're Eric Sevareid.

That's right.

I'm Tony Banta.

How do you do?

You're a very famous guy.

I see you on TV a lot.

You know, I'm a cabdriver.

Why you going to NYU?

Well, I'm attending the G.O.S.G. Conference.

Oh, yeah.

The Gathering Of Smart Guys.

I read about it in the papers.

Tonight, I'm actually going to be in a debate.

It must be tough coming up with opinions all the time.

I know... I come up with one myself every now and then.

Makes my head hurt.

That is the price we pay.

Except nobody ever wants to listen to what I got to say.

I'd like to listen to what you've got to say.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you know what I think is stupid, Mr. Sevareid?

You don't mind if I call you Mr. Sevareid?

Certainly not.

I think it's stupid that half the world is fighting.

I mean, it seems to me that if the leaders of these countries want to fight, they should fight and leave us out of it.

I think you're going a little too fast for me, Tony.

Let the leaders of these countries put on the gloves and go a couple of rounds.

The match I'd like to see is Carter-Castro.

Castro's got the weight on him.

You know, but Jimmy's wiry, and he does a lot of roadwork.

Now, what you're suggesting is a civilized alternative to war.

There you go.

What an extraordinary idea.

Tell me, what would you do, for example, about world hunger?

World hunger, huh?

Well, like all those fancy White House parties. Right?

Instead of inviting all those rich people, invite some poor people.

I mean, rich people can afford to feed themselves, right?

You seem to have a perspective on world events that somehow eludes the average man.

You're no slouch yourself.

You know... you know, Tony, you could fit right in at the G.O.S.G. Meeting.

How do I get in?

You just have to say something very intelligent at the door.

What should I say?

Anything you've said tonight would be fine.

Hey, if I say two smart things, can I bring a date?

I just want you to come and be on my side in the debate.

Who are we debating?

Bill Buckley... Henry Kissinger... and John Kenneth Galbraith.

We'll kick their butt.


Now what would Tony fantasize about?

I mean, let me see.

If it's not being a dumb boxer, and it's not being a dumb cabbie, it must be a dumb something else.

( laughs ): This is tough, Banta.

You could be a dumb anything.

( Chuckling )

LATKA: You know, I have a fantasy.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah?

What is it, Latka?

Well... LOUIE: Wait a minute.

Before you tell them your fantasy, you want to hear my fantasy?

My fantasy is: What would it be like if all those busted cabs got fixed?

That's a good one. Yeah?

Well, you better get back to work, otherwise you're going to be fantasizing about where your next meal's coming from. Go on.

But... Get... no buts.

Just get back to work, Latka.

But... Work!

Ooh... Louie.

Ooh... I have a fantasy all right.

( Speaking native language )

Some day... ( speaking native language )


ALL: Good morning, Mr. Gravas.


You may all sit now. Good morning.

You are looking very chipper off the old block, today.


Ah, assistants.



You're feeling good today?


Okay, losers.

Now, we have to get all the cabs out of here.

So, Ben Garetski, you take 915.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Eh... all right, Banta.

You're taking 1102.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Gravas.

I can't take 1102. It's broken.


Yeah, the brakes are out.

What? Louie! Louie De Palma!

Where is that dumb fellow?

Come on, Louie.

Oh... I'm coming, Mr. Gravas.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I was in the bathroom when I heard you calling me. I'm sorry.

The bathroom?

But you went to the bathroom yesterday.

Is this going to be a habit with you? No.

All right, no more going to the bathroom till you fix all the cabs.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Now, I want to know why... eh, eh, why 1102 is still broken?

Oh, I'll tell you, Mr. Gravas, I was going to fix it yesterday, but then I had this terrible thing happened.

My mother fell and broke her hip, and I had to take her to the hospital.

Oh, so, no excuse, huh?

All right. I have warned you about this thing.

Eh, you know what this means?





Not you. You get...

Don't... don't joke around with me.

Don't be wise guy.

Okay? Don't do... Now, eh...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mr. Gravas.

Now, eh, bl-blindfold?

( Louie moans )

ALEX: Latka.

One last cigarette.


Here, Lou.

( Coughing )

He doesn't smoke.

All right.

( Coughing )

Ready. Aim... ( coughing )

No, Latka, please!

Please, Latka. No.

Please, Latka.

Latka. Latka!


Latka! Latka!

What are you doing, sitting around like a zombie?

I told you to fix those cabs.

Now get back to work!

( Groans )


( Ringing )

Sunshine Cab Company.

Yeah, sure.

Hey, Tony, for you.

It's probably him.

How do I look?

Just stunning.

( Voice cracks ): Hel-lo?

( Clears throat )


Yeah, this is Tony Banta.

Is this really you?

Hey, guys, I'm talking to Herve Villechaize.

Yeah, I'm the cabdriver that picked you up at the airport.

Yeah, you left some photos in my cab, yeah.

Pictures of you and Ricky Montalban.

Yeah, so what do you want me to do?

Bring 'em around the hotel?

I could leave 'em at the desk.

No, Banta.

( Material ripping )

Don't-don't give him those back.

Charge him for them.

You may get a reward.

Louie, Louie, leave me...

Come on, Banta, he's a big star.

He's rolling in dough.

He uses $20 bills to train his dog.

Anything you say, Mr. Villechaize.

"Anything you say, Mr. Villechaize."

Let me talk to him.

No way, Louie. Come on.

You...? Yeah? You could do that?

"You could do that?"

Sure. You bet.

Yeah, I'll be here. Okay.

Just goes to show you.

The bigger they are, the nicer they are.

He's coming to the garage to pick up his pictures.

You're kidding!

LOUIE: Banta!

I don't why you never listen to me.

Louie, the guy said the pictures weren't that important.

Banta, sometimes, you're so stupid I want to cry.

Of course he's going to say that.

That's why he's a big star, and you're a bozo.

Well, at least I get to do my impression of him in person.

Louie, if you do that impression of him, you are going to humiliate and embarrass everyone who sees it.

Why are you encouraging him?

( Imitating Villechaize ): I'm going to do my impression, boss, and you can stick it in your ear, Rieger.

Herve's coming all the way here.

Yeah, and it wasn't even my idea.

I mean, he said he had to be in the city anyway to do some kind of promotional stuff.

Oh, you know, that's so nice that he's going to come down to the garage, you know, instead of making you go to the hotel.

I'll probably be like that when I make it as an actor, too.

Oh, you mean modest, humble, and unassuming.

Oh, wonderfully so.

You know, I might've known that you'd fantasize about being a great actor.

Elaine, you must think I'm really shallow, that that's all I ever think about is being a famous actor.

I have other dreams, too.

( Audience cheering on TV )

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the famous singer, Bobby Wheeler!

( Cheering )

( Rock music playing )

WOMAN: Bobby!

♪ Punches in at 7:00 ♪

♪ Just putting in his time ♪

♪ Slaving for that dollar ♪

♪ Got to toe the line ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, all day long ♪

♪ You're just getting by ♪

♪ Waiting for that late-night high ♪

♪ City boy ♪

♪ Love the nightlife ♪

♪ City girls ♪

♪ Dancing in the moonlight ♪

♪ City boy ♪

♪ He makes his midnight move ♪

♪ City girls... ♪ Wheeler?

Bobby Wheeler?

Yeah, he's on the television.

It's the seventh time they've run this special.

♪ City boy ♪

♪ You're not in love tonight ♪ It's Wheeler.

Of course it is, you bum.

Who else could deliver a song like that?


Hey, I know him.

I used to know him.

Sure you do.


I mean it. I mean it.

He used to work for me.

♪ And he counts those hours ♪

♪ She's still on his mind ♪

( crowd cheering loudly )

♪ Mm, but they danced with a... ♪

♪ At 5:00 he's gonna hit those streets ♪

♪ City boy ♪

♪ Mm, love the moonlight... ♪ WOMAN: Bobby!

Bobby Wheeler!

( Excited screaming )

( All talking excitedly )

( Song continues on TV )

Thank you. Thank you.

I-I just wanted to come back and see my humble beginnings.

Yeah, this is it.

Nice to see you again.

I'll prove it. I'll prove it.

Hey, hey, hey!


Bobby! Tell them.

This drunk's been trying to say he knows you.

Just ignore him.

Tell them that I know you.

Bob, tell them.

They don't believe me, Bob.

( laughing )


It'll cost you a buck.


Bob... this is my last buck.

How am I going to eat?

Louie, you know the rules.

Come on, now, hand it over.

Come on. Come on.

All right.

Tell them.

I never saw the man before in my life.


Come on, drinks on me.

( Excited chatter )

BOBBY: You got a pen?

Drinks for everybody.

( Applause and cheering )

♪ City boy ♪

♪ Oh, this girl will kill you ♪

♪ City boy ♪

♪ She'll make you do it. ♪

Hi, guys.

Yo, Jim.

Hi, Jim.

How you doing?

What's up?

We're just sitting around, talking about fantasies.


So, do you have any fantasies, Jim?

Nah. You know me.

I'm a pretty down-to-earth type of guy.

Come on.

You mean to tell us you don't fantasize about nothing?


Uh, I don't know if you'd call it a fantasy, but sometimes I think about doing a little traveling.

You know... getting away from it all.

( loud whirring )

( loud clattering )

( Electronic beeps )

( Distorted ): Jim Ignatowski?


We want you to come with us.


We want to take you to our world.

Uh, why do you want me?

You sure you got the right guy?

You don't even know me.

Oh, yes, we do.

We know you very well.

You don't understand why everybody wants jobs, why everybody wants to get ahead.

You don't know what the point is, and you don't care.

That's true.

You haven't read a newspaper in years, and you live in fear of someone starting a conversation with you about what's going on in the world.

Yeah, that's me all right.

You're wearing every piece of clothing you own.

When you talk, everyone looks puzzled.

The universe is a source of wonder and amusement to you.

Yeah, that's me.

But why do you want me to go?

Because we love and understand you.


Wow, you guys are funny looking.

( loud whirring )

Hi, guys.

Hi, Mr. Villechaize.

Are you Mr. Banta?

Oh, did you hear that? "Mr. Banta."

Yeah, I am.

Hey, I got your photos right here.

Oh, thank you very much. Oh, that's very nice of you.

Can I do something for you?

Oh, no, no, no.

( Sotto voce ): Bozos.

Hey, hey, these are some of my friends here.

Don't let him kid you.

These are all of his friends.

Uh, Bobby Wheeler.

How you doing, Bobby? Pleasure to meet you.

I'm an actor, too. Oh.

Alex Rieger.

Hi, Alex. How you doing?

And that's Elaine Nardo.

( laughs ): Hi.

How you doing?

I love your show.

Hey, uh, Mr. Villechaize, uh...

I do something, uh... I'd like you to see.

( Grumbling ) Well, it's, uh...

You want to see it? Yeah?

Okay, here-here we go.

Hiya, boss.

How are you, boss?

Here comes the plane, boss.

You like it?

That's fine.

That was you.

Oh, that's very fine.


Finally, I got somebody in the garage who appreciates talent.

Uh, will somebody tell the big guy that he stinks?

Wheeler, what do you have to smile about?

I'm just looking forward to it.


( Theme music playing )

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )