Taxi S2E24 Script

Fantasy Borough: Part 2 (1980)

( Theme music playing )

You're never gonna believe who I had in my cab last night!

Hey, that's Herve Villechaize.

Yeah, you know, the little guy from Fantasy Island.

He left these pictures in my cab last night.

What is this, eh... Fantasy Island?

Well, actually, Latka, there really isn't a Fantasy Island.

Well, I wish there was a place like that.

Imagine some place you could go and live out all your fantasies.

You seem to have a perspective on world events that somehow eludes the average man.

You're no slouch yourself.

Ooh, I have a fantasy, all right.


I have other dreams, too.

( Audience cheering )

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the famous singer, Bobby Wheeler!

Hey, hey, Bobby!

Sometimes... I think about doing a little traveling.

Wow! You guys are funny-lookin'.

Mr. Villechaize, uh...

I do something, uh... I'd like you to see.

( Grumbling )

You want to see it? Yeah?

Okay, here we go.

( Imitating Villechaize ): Hiya, boss.

How are you, boss?

Here come da plane, boss.

You like it?

That's fine.

That was you.

Oh, that's very fine.

Betcha he goes back to Hollywood now, eh?


That must be some exciting life he leads out there.

I betcha he does things that we can only dream about.

Are you kidding?

Don't you know what Hollywood's like?

I mean, right now, that guy's out there surrounded by perverts, weirdos, and human garbage.

Makes me glad I didn't go into show business.

You know, it's weird.

I think I have a handle on what everyone in this garage would fantasize about, but the only one that throws me is you, Alex.

I mean, what would you fantasize about?

Yeah, Alex.

Yeah, come on, Alex.

What? What?

As a matter of fact, I don't.

Aw, sure.

I don't. ELAINE: Oh, come on.

No, really.

I find it very difficult to fantasize.

You mean you never fantasize about the beautiful lady in your cab?

I mean, everybody's got that one.

Not me.

Me, either.

Aw, geez, Alex, I can't even believe it.

Well, listen, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but that's how it is: I don't.

I've tried to fantasize.

I've tried to think up some great situation, but somehow, something always goes wrong.

( Clears throat )


Hi there.

Where can I take you?

( Sighing )

I'm not sure where I want to go.

Just drive anywhere.

I think I know where that is.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but has anyone ever told you before that the back of your head is quite attractive.

Thank you.

The front's nice too.

That's something to look forward to.

You may not believe this, but this is my very first ride in a taxi.

Well, you know what they say: first time's the best time.

( laughs )

Well, actually, I've always heard how rude and abrupt cabbies were.

You're not that way at all.

Well, the evening is still young.

( Both laughing )

I'm really enjoying myself.

I should've done this long ago.

Me, too.

Listen, I hope you don't think this is too personal, but, um...

Well, even if it is...

Can I ask you something?

It's your cab.

Why did you decide to take this ride tonight?

I was just feeling very alone.

I'm a stranger in this big city, all by myself, and something told me I should just hail a cab.

I didn't know why... till now.

( Growls )

Feeling a little warm?

Ever since I got into this cab.

I can turn the heat down.

I don't think you could.

( Clank )

So, tell me, uh, cookie... what brings you to New York?

I'm here with my husband.

Son of a...

She's married?!

Who's married?

Huh? Oh, no one.

I, uh... just drifted off for a second.

Oh, Alex, are you over there trying to fantasize?

Ah, no, I told you I don't do that kind of stuff.

Hey, Alex, if you're fantasizing about a woman, make her single.

( laughing )

Well, it's not that easy, you know.

I mean, you just can't imagine her single, and she comes out single, can you?

Yeah, you can.

Oh, well, let me give it another shot.

Look, I can't do this if you're all going to stare at me.

Oh. Sorry.

Okay, I mean business this time.

So you're married, huh?

No, not really.

I just said that.


I was afraid you'd come on to me.

Well... why are you admitting that now?

I decided I'd take my chances.

Back on course.

Listen, I don't usually do this, but, um... how would you like to...?

Mm... never mind.

Oh, say it, please. Ask me.

No, I think you'd find me too presumptuous.

No, no. Say it, please.

Don't hold anything back. I'm not.

Would you like to stop some place and have a cup of coffee?

Oh, I'd love that.

You would? Mm.

Well, where would you like to go?

Uh, we can go to my apartment, or if that would be too uncomfortable for you, we can go out somewhere.

Your apartment sounds fine.

In fact, your apartment sounds wonderful.

Oh, great.

This is turning into a marvelous evening.

I hope nothing comes along to spoil it.

Don't worry about it.

I couldn't stop now if I had to.

( Tires screeching ) Stop.

I can't. I can't.


( Crashing, glass shattering )

I can't even be trusted behind the wheel of my own fantasy.

You just got to relax.

You know, just free yourself, you know, and let yourself go with the flow.

Put yourself in your own apartment.

Oh, yeah, okay, that's good, that's good.

Eh? All right? All right?


Now, now... picture yourself by a... by a roaring fire.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's very good. That's very good.

Okay, now, now, now, just relax... and remember that it's your fantasy, and in her eyes, you can't do anything wrong.

Yeah. You're right.

I just hope she's still alive.

More very expensive brandy?


( sighs )

( Sighs )

Am I glad that accident was only a fender bender.

You're not going to get into any trouble, are you?

No, I have a very understanding dispatcher.

( Sighs )

( Sighs )

Oh, this is wonderful.

Is it really wonderful?

Mm. Yes.


I've never done anything like this before, and I've never met anyone like you before.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

What's the matter?

I just realized something.

I don't even know your name.

Does it matter?

How am I going to tell my diary about you?



My favorite name.

I'm Alex.

My favorite name.

( Moaning passionately )

I'm afraid something is going to go wrong.

This is just too good. Just too good.

No, no.

This... this is what you've waited for.

This is what you deserve.

Yeah. Trust me.

I do. Trust this.

Oh... free, at last.

( Shuddering moan )

Oh, man.

I've always liked the name Alex.

When I was a little girl, I used to have an uncle named Alexander.

Oh, I thought he was the greatest.

I haven't seen him in years.

We lost touch long ago.

I lived in the Bronx, and his family would come and see us every now and then.

Yes, yes...

Oh, he'd always take me some place...

To the park or to the playground, or the carnival, if it was in season.

But the thing that I remember most... was that he'd always end the day by buying me... a double-dip Rocky Road ice cream cone with a cherry on top.

Right. How did...?

Uncle Alex?!

How's Aunt Rose?


Cousin Harry?


Brother Bill? Wonderful.

Your daughter?


I think we've wasted enough time with this dumb talk of fantasies.

Fantasies are for losers.

I suppose you don't have any, Louie.

Me? What would I need a fantasy for?

I'm usually the object of other peoples' fantasies.

Oh, sure.

It's true.

Come on, Louie, you mean you wouldn't change anything if you had the chance to?

Nothing. My life is perfect.

Well... maybe there is... one or two things I might change to make it even better.

I wish we had some heat. I'm freezing.


Well, you know Mr. De Palma would turn the heat up if he could.

That man, he's a saint.

Bobby's right.

( Coughing )

As owner of this cab company, Mr. De Palma has to cooperate with President Rizzo's new energy program.

He keeps that thermostat set right where it's supposed to be...

( sneezes )

28 degrees.

You know, the Depression's a lot harder on him.

Imagine how tough it would be being the only rich man left in the country.

Hmm. Yeah.

TONY: Here he comes now.

ALEX: Huh? Huh?

Here he comes.

On your way home, sir?

Yeah. I'm bushed.

How are you guys doing?

ALEX: Awful.

Yeah. This Depression is a darn shame, isn't it?

( Coughing )

That's a mighty nasty cough you got there, Rieger.

Oh, it's nothing, sir. Just a touch of double pneumonia. It's going around.

Nevertheless, I think you better see my doctor.

Have him take a look at you.

Oh... that's much too kind of you, sir.

Now, now, now, never mind, never mind.

That could be bronchitis on top of pneumonia.

That's what Wheeler's got, and he's dying, aren't you, Wheeler?

Yes, sir.

That's the spirit.

You almost done in there?

Not quite.

All right, well, keep at it.

LOUIE: I'm home.


Louie, darling.

I've missed you so much.

Why are you dressed like that?

Because it's so warm in here.

You keep it at 85.


( Chuckles )

You know, Louie, all day long, I've been praying that you'll reconsider firing you-know-who.

Not a chance.

Not a chance.

I think I've been fair.

When somebody doesn't pull their weight... they're gone.

But she loves you so much.

I know.

Send her in.

He wants to see you, Lassie.

Come on in and sit down.

( Whimpering )

Sit down.

Bye, Lassie. Bye.

Nardo, you're taking some of the surprise out of this.

Now, get out of here.

It's just you and me, girl.

Lassie... I know you've... you've been with us a long time.

( Heavy sigh )

I don't know... I just have to do something with you.

I mean, you're getting away with murder.

You know?

I've got to lay down the laws.

Benji... she's going through the roof.

Snoopy... through the roof.

I mean, what can you do?

That's just not enough anymore, girl.

I mean, they're out there making millions.

Do you know what Benji made last year?

( Barks three times )

Uh-huh. Well, how much did you make last year?

( Barks once )

Well, that just doesn't cut it, Lassie.

Take a walk.

( Whining )

( Whimpering )

All right, but just one.

Okay, now beat it.


It was so sad seeing her go.

Yeah, well...

( sighs )

Maybe this will make you feel better.

It's a little something I picked up on the way home.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh, well.

A man can dream, can't he?

Hey, uh, come on, Elaine.

You're trying to get everybody else to talk about their fantasies.

Why don't you tell us one of yours?


Forget it!

I mean, if nobody else is going to talk about it, why should I?

Yeah, you're right.

No point.

Let's forget it.

But if I were to tell you my fantasy... it would knock you out.

Yeah? Oh, really?

BOBBY: Come on, come on, come on, what is it?

( Groans )

Anybody got any ideas about what we can do?

Let's play another hand of poker.

We always play cards.

We play cards every day.

That's all we do is play cards.

Play cards.

♪ Come on along and listen to ♪

♪ The lullaby of Broadway ♪

♪ The hip-hooray and ballyhoo ♪

♪ The lullaby of Broadway ♪

♪ The rumble of a subway train ♪

♪ The rattle of the taxis ♪

♪ The Daffodils who entertain ♪

♪ At Angelo's and Maxi's ♪

♪ When a Broadway baby ♪

♪ Says good night ♪

♪ It's early in the morning ♪

♪ Manhattan babies ♪

♪ Don't sleep tight ♪

♪ Until the dawn... ♪ Elaine, we're trying to play cards here. Come on!

Buzz off.

♪ Good night, baby ♪

♪ Good night ♪

♪ The milkman's on his way ♪

♪ Sleep tight, baby ♪

♪ Sleep tight ♪

♪ Let's call it a day ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Come on along and listen to ♪

The lullaby of Broadway

♪ The hi-de-hi, boop-boop-buh-doo ♪

The lullaby of Broadway The band begins to go to town...

The band begins to go to town And everyone goes crazy...

And everyone goes crazy

♪ You rock-a-bye your baby round ♪

♪ Till everything gets hazy ♪

♪ Hush-a-bye, I'll buy you this and that ♪

♪ You hear her daddy saying ♪

♪ Then baby goes home to her flat ♪

♪ To sleep all day ♪

♪ Good night, baby ♪ ELAINE: Bounce!

♪ Good night ♪

♪ The milkman's on his way ♪ Kick!

♪ Sleep tight, baby ♪

♪ Sleep tight ♪

♪ Let's call it a day ♪ Hey!

♪ Listen to the lullaby ♪

♪ Of old Broadway! ♪

( Music continues )

( Music continues )


Okay, in a line!

Pick me up!

Turn me!

Put me down!


( Music builds )

♪ Let's call it a day ♪

♪ Listen to the lullaby ♪

♪ Of old Broadway! ♪

( Broadway music playing )

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )