Taxi S2E3 Script

Reverend Jim: A Space Odyssey (1979)

( Theme music playing )


Hey... ( laughter )

Drinks for everybody.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

In our little group.

Tony won tonight?

Does this look like the face of a loser?

Well, in that case, the first pitcher's on me.

Hey, thanks, Tom. Oh, that's great.

Oh, boy, did that guy go down hard.

That sucker hit the canvas like a sack of cement.

Hey, you know, I'll tell you, I was worried for a minute.

You never want to see anybody get hurt, you know.

Ah... Hey, you really gave it to him good, huh, Tony?

It was a weird thing, Tommy.

The guy was climbing into the ring, he trips, falls down and knocks himself cold.

Tony won by default.

You mean, that's what you're celebrating?

I had to make it through the same ropes.

That'll be three bucks.

BOBBY: Hey, look.

There's Reverend Jim.

Oh, yeah.

The guy who performed Latka's wedding ceremony.

Hey, Reverend Jim!

Hey, how you doing, buddy?

Fine, fine.

Uh, how you doing?

Oh, great, great.

You, uh, remember us?

Uh, nope.

Jeez, it was nice chatting with you.

Latka! Where have you been?

I thought you were coming to my fight.

( Speaking native language )

Latka, Latka, Latka, calm down.

Go slowly.

All right.

I was going to go to your fight but I take the wrong subway and I end up in a place called, uh... how do you say, uh, Har... Harlem.

Harlem?

So I went walking around, uh, lost, and I go into the bar, and I tell everyone I am looking for a fight.

Right.

Uh... did you find one?

Well, lots of people offered to help.

So... uh, I sit down and drink with them and you know, they make mistake.

They think I am their brother.

( Snickers )

So... so they teach me word... new words and lots of songs, and we all have a good time.

Mm-hmm.

So how was your fight?

I won!

Oh, you are a bad dude.

Sit down, Latka.

When are they going to clean those bathrooms?

You were in the kitchen.

Thank goodness.

Wait a minute... you marry me.

Uh, believe me, it would never work out.

No, no, no, no.

You performed the wedding ceremony.

Yeah, yeah. Don't you remember?

Eight months ago, Latka had to get married to stay in the country.

You performed the ceremony at the Sunshine Garage.

( Speaking native language )

Oh, yeah.

I thought I dreamed that.

Maybe I'm dreaming this.

Hey, Tommy, how about another glass, okay?

TOMMY: You're up.

So how's the Church of the Peaceful doing?

Not so good.

After the draft ended, I lost my flock.

Well, have you performed any other wedding ceremonies?

Let's see, I, uh... married two people stark naked in the woods.

You mean the whole wedding party was nude?

No, just me.

They, uh... changed their minds at the last minute and forgot to tell me.

Thanks for the beer.

Yeah.

Well, we'll see you around.

Oh, boy.

Oh, the poor guy.

You know, in-in my country we have an expression:

( speaking native language )

What does it mean?

Uh... "Poor guy."

You know, call me crazy, but I happen to like the guy.

And I'm going to go see how he's doing.

You're crazy. You're crazy, crazy.

( All chuckling )

Hey, uh, Jim.

Yo!

Listen, my friends and I, we were wondering if you'd like to come over and join us.

Well, what did you decide?

Well, we-we, uh... we thought that-that you might like to?

Okeydoke.

Of course, I can only stay for five or six.

ELAINE: So how you doing, Jim?

Fine, fine.

Uh, who are you folks again?

You marry me.

In the garage.

Oh, yeah.

( Imitating Latka's language )

Jim, uh, would you mind if I asked you a personal question?

Well, I can take it, if you can.

No, no, no, not that personal.

Um, did you ever think about doing something with your life?

You know, like getting a job?

As a matter of fact, I have.

I've often thought I'd make a good pharmacist.

A pharmacist? Mm-hmm.

Oh, well, if you're serious then you have to go to school, take a lot of chemistry...

Oh, I've taken a lot of chemistry.

You know, this has been a very long day for me so I must boogie on home now.

Boogie down, Latka. Boogie down.

Okay. Good-bye. Thanks for dropping by.

See you.

♪ Get on up ♪

♪ Get on the scene ♪

♪ I feel like a sex machine. ♪

Last call. I got to close it up.

Hey, Tom, another round.

Hey, uh... will you guys let me buy?

Yeah! Sure!

Why not?

Any of this currency?

Next time.

Yeah, I know. I'll get it.

Jim, I guess what we're trying to say is that we'd like to help you.

ALEX: Hey, Elaine, would you leave him alone?

He's not asking anything from anybody.

Besides, it's not like our lives are in such great shape.

Yeah, but I just can't believe he's happy this way.

You know, getting high all the time.

Hey... no. Everything I take is by doctor's prescription...

Everything.

Though finding the right doctor can be difficult.

Jim, please don't be offended by what I'm about to say, but don't you ever feel like you're wasting your life?

Me? No, no.

I have function in life.

I-I stand for something.

Not everybody stands for something, but I do.

I am the living embodiment of the '60s.

Everything that came along, I went with.

Even if I didn't know what it was, I went with it.

I did some drugs... not nearly so many as you probably think I did.

How many drugs do you think I did?

Mmm... a lot.

Wow! Right on the nose!

But I did a lot of all the other stuff, too.

I spent a year of my life making a macramé couch.

I went to all the big events.

I was at Woodstock.

Oh, yeah? You went to Woodstock?

Yeah.

Half a million people.

Hey, you know, if I hadn't been there there would only have been... 499,999 people.

Lucky thing for them I went.

All of them groovin' on Hendrix, Sly, Joni, and The Who.

All of us gathered together in peace and joy.

I'd like to see them try that with disco.

I did it all.

I wore flowers in my hair... meditated for hours on end... chanted...

I was finding God all over the place.

He kept ditching me.

I marched and protested against that crummy war.

Is that so?

Pardon me?

Hey, hey, hey, Tony.

No, I got something to say, Alex.

You know, the only reason why guys like you got to stay home, protest, and get loaded because guys like me were over in 'Nam doing your fighting for you.

What do you say to that?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

But you got to understand my position.

I thought I was on my way to Nirvana.

All I ended up with was recurring flashbacks of the original Mouseketeers... hatching out of seedpods.

Boy, time flies.

Yeah.

I'm sleeping with the lights on tonight.

So, Jim, uh, take it easy, old man, and, uh... okay. Good night, Tony.

ELAINE: Hey, guys.

Let's get him a job.

BOBBY: Let's do that.

TONY: Doing what?

What, are you kidding?

What kind of training could he possibly have?

None.

What kind of skills could he possibly have?

None.

What kind of job can we possibly get him?

Cabdriver. Cabdriver. Cabdriver.

ELAINE: Hey, guys.

Hey. How...? Yeah?

Now I'm telling you, Jim, you drive in the test like you just drove now and you'll do fine.

So, Jim... you coming along?

Well, I'm a little confused about something.

Am I coming or going?

Come on, I'll introduce you to your future boss, all right?

Might as well get this over with, huh?

Hey, Jim, if you can handle this, the rest of reality is a piece of cake, believe me.

LOUIE ( loudly over P.A. ): Okay, listen up here!

Simpkin, 401.

Petrelli, 622.

Latka, I'm still waiting on that cab.

I could have built a new one by now.

I'm getting done, bro.

Excuse me, Louie.

You remember Reverend Jim.

Howdy.

Get him out.

I mean it, Nardo.

Get him out of here.

He's a flake.

All right, come on now, listen.

Losers... bookings are down this week.

I know guys pulling rickshas that could do better.

We got to get Louie to agree to this.

Well, maybe we can get him on a shift that Louie... he won't have to deal with Louie.

ALEX: Maybe he could start in another company and, uh, you know, once he breaks in...

Hey, what was that?

Uh... what was what?

You just put something in Louie's coffee.

What was that?

It was either a tranquilizer or a Chiclet.

Jim! Jim, that's stupid!

LOUIE: Hey, Wheeler!

Get your mitts off my cup.

Yeah, but Louie... Get out of here.

Get your own coffee.

( Phone ringing )

LOUIE: Yeah?

Judy?

Do I sound like Judy to you?

You got the wrong number, bone-brain.

Where was I?

You were giving them hell, Louie.

Oh, yeah.

Krubnik, 301!

Try something new tonight, like making money.

Hendy, 338!

One more ticket, and you're history.

I guess we can rule out Chiclets.

Banta?

Yeah, Louie?

Yeah, Lou?

Uh... Let's see.

901 looks nice.

How you doing, Banta?

Good, Lou.

Thanks.

Good.

Lubna, 831.

Hey, come on, guys.

Let's get cracking here.

Let's get this show on the road.

Latka...

By golly... let's get this cab out, huh?

Zoom, zoom.

Okay, Louie.

Come on, boys and girls, let's roll them out.

♪ We were sailing along ♪

♪ On Moonlight Bay ♪

♪ We could hear the voices singing ♪

♪ They seemed to say ♪ Everybody sing.

♪ You have stolen my heart ♪ BOTH: ♪ Now don't go away ♪

♪ As we sang love's old sweet song ♪

♪ On Moonlight Bay ♪

( harmonizing: ) ♪ On Moonlight Bay. ♪

Well, I think I'm going to go upstairs and go to sleep now, Ma.

Good night.

( Softly ): ♪ We were sailing along ♪

♪ On Moonlight Bay ♪

♪ We could hear the voices singing ♪

♪ They seemed to say ♪

♪ You have stolen my heart ♪

♪ Now don't go 'way ♪ Hey, Louie?

Yeah, Bob?

Hey, is it okay if Jim comes and works here as a cab driver?

Sure.

Everybody works on Moonlight Bay.

♪ On Moonlight Bay. ♪


Okay... here we go.

Hey, uh... give me a little help on this one.

You forgot your last name?

I've been busy.

Well, what was your father's name?

Uh, Ignatowski.

Well, maybe that's your name, too.

You know, I think you're right.

Good, good.

"Eyes."

No, don't put two.

Oh. They mean color, don't they?

Yep.

What color are my eyes?

Elaine, you want to take a stab at this one?

Hmm... well, you can rule out white.

Call them brown.

Okeydoke.

W-N. W-N.

Uh, let's see.

Uh... "Height."

Oh, about, um... about five ten?

Oh, good. Yeah, good.

Not bad. Not bad.

Uh...

Ow.

"Weight."

Weight, uh... now this is a very relative question.

I mean, if I were in space I'd be weightless.

You are in space.

Jim, they mean Earth weight.

Oh.

Whew.

This is the most reading I've done in years.

My brown eyes hurt.

Here, here, let me help you out, okay?

All right. Phew!

Um... "Have you ever experienced"

"loss of consciousness, hallucinations, "dizzy spells, convulsive disorders, fainting, or periods of loss of memory?"

Well, hasn't everyone?

Put "No."

Um... "Mental illness or narcotic addiction?"

That's a tough choice.

Just put "No."

Okay, that's it.

You're ready for the test.

I thought this was the test.

No, no, no, this is the application.

Oh, man!

The day is getting rougher and rougher.

I'm expecting the Mouseketeers any second now.

I'd be just like them.

I think that Cubby's got it in for me.

Jim, really, it's going to be okay.

We'll just take your application up to the counter and then they'll give you the test, okay?

Okay.

Do they serve beer over there?

No.

You're going to need this.

Yeah.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

This is a joke.

What are you worried about?

What am I worried about?

Two things...

That they won't issue him a license to drive in this city and that they will.

ELAINE: Go get them.

He's going to do it.

I know he's going to do it.

( Grunts )

Psst...

What does a yellow light mean?

Slow down.

Okay.

What... does... a... yellow... light... mean?

Slow down.

Okay.

What... does... a...

yellow... light... mean?

Slow down!

What...

does... a... yellow... light... mean?!

I got to admit, I never thought you'd pass.

The examiner said I did real well.

I didn't hit hardly anything.

Hey, Jeff?

Yeah?

Give this man a key. Okay.

And an envelope.

Jim, I'd like to present you with the keys to Cab 605 and your first envelope.

I never been good at speeches, but this is one of the great moments of my life.

I've never felt closer to a group of people, not even in the portable johns at Woodstock.

Thanks, everybody.

Well, uh, I'm off.

Oh, I'd like to request the honor of being your first passenger.

Well, hop in.

Okay.

Well, thank you.

Where are you headed?

Uptown... cabby.

( Engine starting )

( Tires screeching )

That'll be 90 cents.

( Theme music playing )


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )