Taxi S2E4 Script

Nardo Loses Her Marbles (1979)

( Theme music playing )

( Singing in native language )

Louie, I finished, eh, cleaning up the cab.

Good boy, Latka.

Time to split up the old booty.


How much money did you get today?

Eh, not too much.

( Jingles coins )

Two pennies, a dime and a Canadian quarter?

Yup, that's right.

You mean to tell me that that's all the money you got out of these cabs?

That's all.

You know, Latka, if you were anybody else, I'd think you're trying to pull a fast one on me.

But since it's you, empty your pockets.

Everything out on that table.


Yeah, but all I have is just a fe... a few personal belongings.

Get 'em out.

All right.

Police state.

Handkerchief... Yeah, handkerchief.

Eh... Come on there.

Paintbrush... A paintbrush.

All right, money, money, money, money.

And one argyle sock.

Come on, come on.

Eh... telephone...

Give me that telephone.

Eh, sam-a, sam-a, sam-a-vich, sam-a-vich.

A sam-a-wich.

No, don't eat the sam-a-mich...

Get it out.


Eh, prayers a-book... Yeah, come on.

Windshield wiper... Give me that.

Company property.

Another... Oh, look. Oh.

( Speaking native language )

Come on.

All right.

Cat food.

Cat cookies?!

What do you need cat cookies for?


Get that mangy thing out of here.

See, this is the Louie I was telling you about.

Oh... oh.

So y-you recognize his name.

Hey, Elaine.

Hi, guys.

Well, well, well.

Where you been?

We ain't seen much of you lately.

Oh, I know.

I've been spending every spare minute I have down at the gallery, you know, working on the new exhibit.

I feel bad.

I-I feel like I've been neglecting you guys.

Well, you have.

So, uh, so let's catch up, you know.

Okay, hey, sit down.

Oh, okay.

So, so what's been happening?

Uh, uh, Tony, how'd that fight with Gomez go?

Oh, he knocked me out in the second round.

Oh. And, uh, hey, Bobby, weren't you working on some, uh, experimental play?

Yeah, they closed it.


What have you been doing, Alex?

Well, I went to a bad play and a short fight.

Well, uh, how about if we, uh, we just play a round, you know, and, uh...

Yeah, let's do that. Come on.

All right, all right.

It'll give me time to relax and, uh, eat my lunch, and balance my checkbook and, uh, go through my mail.

Yeah, everyone needs to loaf once in awhile.

So, Elaine, you've been spending a lot of time down at the gallery, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Well, see, uh, I-I'm in charge of this new exhibit, and it's my first time.

It's taking an enormous amount of work, but, but if it goes well at the opening on Saturday, it could really give my career a boost.

From nowhere to almost somewhere.

LOUIE: Ooh...

Ms. Nardo's here.

Would you care to take a stroll over to my cage and, uh, pick up your messages?

Oh, yeah, okay.

Well, uh, I'll-I'll be right back, okay?

Hey, I'm in.

BOBBY: Okay.

Nardo, messages have been coming in in droves for you.

I got 11 of them.

Count 'em, 11.

I'm sorry, Louie.

Well, here's $11.

Money, Nardo?

Let's not sully our relationship.

You make me feel so tawdry.

Okay, uh, so what do you want?

How about coming up to my place tonight, we'll go crazy?

Here's your money, creep.

I'm wearing her down.

BOBBY: Well, finally.

Well, here we go.

Uh, listen, I just got a couple of quick calls to make, and I'll be right back, okay?

( Guys grumble )

No, no, no. I said I'd play, so I'm going to.

( Phone rings )

Yeah, besides I got to eat my lunch.

Oh, Ms. Nardo, it's for you.

( Yells ): She'll be right there.

Probably the gallery.

You in?

Yeah, yeah, I'm in.

Uh, would somebody get me some coffee?

It's going to be a long day.

All right.


Gee, Elaine sure is busy.

Yeah, well, I can relate to that.

You know, I mean, I got a hectic schedule, too.

You know, driving a cab, trying to make it as an actor...

Oh, my God! That reminds me.

I have an audition today.

To-Tony, Tony, you got the time?

Oh, it's 8:30.

That means I have to be ready in less than five hours.

It never ends.

You know, my life can be hectic, too.

Do you realize that if this was tomorrow, I'd have to be in the gym in 15 minutes.

Oh, Tony, Tony, we got to come up for air sometime.

I hear you.

Is that my coffee?

Yeah, wait a minute.

How many cups have you already had today?



I lied, I had eight.

I lied, that's hot chocolate.

Elaine, can I talk to you for a minute?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Sit down, please.

Uh, what's on your mind?

I'm worried about you.


No "aw," I'm really worried about you.

I know, I worry about you too sometimes.

We're not talking about me. I'm wonderful.

Yeah, you are.

Please, Elaine, are you okay?

I mean, the way you've been running...

Oh, Alex, I know what you're going to say.

You're worried about me because of the way I've been running around, and I seem to be going in 20 different directions all at once, and, uh, you think it's bad for me and kind of dangerous.

And, uh, I think you're blowing things way, way out of proportion, but okay, okay.

I promise you that as soon as everything slows down and I have taken care of everything that's hanging over my head at this moment, I am going to take a nice, long, three-week bath.

And I know I talk too much and thanks.

( Phone rings ) I didn't mean to lecture.

Surprise, surprise.

It's for her nibs.

I'm sorry, guys.


We're never going to get this game over with.

Good hand, huh?

What do you mean?

Well, you're a little impatient, huh?

Oh, no, it's just that I don't think that's the way you should play poker, that's all.

Oh, sure, Tony.

Listen, uh, I-I'll be just a second, okay?

Take your time.

Listen, that gallery is a mad house. I got to go.

ALL: Oh, man.

No, no, listen.

I'm going to finish this hand.


Listen, the show opens Saturday, 7:00, and you are all invited... bye.


Boy, did she catch me with points.

Hi, Elaine.

Oh, Fran...

Uh, these are very important buyers.

Hello there.

Oh, I am so glad to see you guys.

Friendly faces, you know?

How come you're so early?

Well, we were going to eat at Mario's first but Alex said you had food, so you know.

We got here fast, before any freeloaders scarfed it up.

Yeah, well, uh, you can have anything you see.

But, uh, hey, guys, remember last time.

I mean, don't go stuffing food in your pockets.

She should have told me that before I lined them with tin foil.

Elaine, uh, who's she?

Oh, that's, uh Fran Strickland.

She's one of our best artists.

Hey, Elaine, I'll show you an artist.

So how's it going?

Well, the paintings got lost, the food came late Jason's ant colony broke, there are ants all over my house, and the exterminator can't come until tomorrow.

And you?

Well, uh, I'm sort of... Ashtrays, yes.

Just the word I was looking for.

I, uh... I like these, uh...

Are they yours?


I love these.

Elaine, this is a great exhibit.

Oh, thanks.

Uh, what do you like best?

I don't know. What do you call this?

Elaine! Yeah?

We have to talk.

Uh, I'll be over there in a second, okay, Phillip?

I-I'm taking my paintings down.


Well, I rushed them, and it shows.

Oh, no, no, um, Phillip.

These, these paintings, they're wonderful.

No, no, they're not ready.

I'm sorry, I can't let them be seen.

No, Phillip!

I mean, come on, be reasonable.

Uh, Alex, uh, Phillip wants his paintings down.

Do they look finished to you?

They're great.


I think this one could use more brown.

That does it.

No, Phillip.

Tony, how could you do this to me?!

Elaine, Elaine, Elaine.

Everything's okay. It's okay.

Phillip! Oh, no.

Look, maybe it's better this way.

Who says an art gallery has to have paintings all over the walls?

Alex, I think you better take me out of here pretty fast.

Why? MAN: Excuse me, Elaine.

What do you want?

No, no, no. Alex, uh, this is one of the owners.

Oh, sorry. H-how do you do?

Hi. Elaine, it's the champagne.

Uh, what about it?

Well, it's flat, and several people have noticed.

Well, what?-what do you want me to do about it?

Well, I don't know, but, I mean, people like bubbles in their champagne. I know I do.

Do you see any bubbles?

You want bubbles?

( Blowing bubbles )

I guess that's what I should expect from a cabdriver.

No, you know what you can expect from a cabdriver?

( Elaine shouting )

BOBBY: Low bridge!

Hey! What's the matter with that guy?

Yeah, you idiot.

Would you just relax?

Me relax? You relax.

We'll both relax, okay?

Elaine, I think you need to see someone.

What do you mean?

I am not going to see a psychiatrist.

Why not? Hah, no.

You think needing help is a sign of weakness? Yeah.

There's nothing wrong with needing a little help once in a while.

Stop trying to be so tough.

Hey, I am a single parent responsible for two small children.

Man, I got to be tough.



Now, what about your responsibility to those two small children?

What's gonna happen to them? Hmm?

Now, I'm no psychiatrist, but I can tell a manic-depressive, Down syndrome when I see one.

( Chuckles )

Alex, I can't see a psychiatrist.

Why not?

What about the money?

So you'll go to a clinic where they charge you according to what you earn.

Now, don't make money the issue. You're scared.

Of what?

You're scared that you're gonna find out you're just as fragile and needy as all the rest of us.

Alex, I don't need a psychiatrist.

Yeah. Okay, okay, the pressure's been getting to me.

I-I'd be stupid not to admit that now, but I don't need to see a psychiatrist.

I don't know.

Maybe I need an arm around me once in awhile.

( Chuckles )

Oh... ( chuckles )

Or a pat on the head.

Or a kiss.

Alex, don't pull away from me.

I'm not pulling away from you, Elaine.

Now, sometimes people get upset, and instead of dealing with their problems, they try to run from them, like with drinking and eating and, uh, flirting with enormously attractive men.

Alex, I don't think you should kid around about this. What?

I mean, come on, you and I have been pretty close, and we have cared about each other for some time now.

I mean, you can't tell me that, uh, getting closer has never crossed your mind.

Well, as a matter of fact, uh, it hasn't kept me awake nights, no.

It's never crossed your mind?



The day you were that red and white striped dress.

It's crossed my mind once.



N... Oh.

( Starts engine )

( Motor abruptly stops ) Oh.

Alex, um, be honest with me.

What are you afraid of?

What am I afraid of?

Elaine, Elaine, uh, look, I-I'm just afraid that you're doing this, maybe unconsciously, because you just don't want to deal with the fact that you might need some help right now, that's all.

Oh, I love it when a man tells me I'm unconsciously avoiding therapy.

Elaine, Elaine, Elaine.

Stop giving me a hard time, okay?

I mean, look, uh, uh, it's not as if part of me doesn't want to... uh... uh, doesn't want to...

I'm going to wait it out till you finish that.

No, no, no. No, no. I'm just worried about the fact that we have a great friendship, a-a-and...

Oh, Alex, I'm a very busy woman.

I've got two jobs and two kids.

Yes or no?



Elaine, damn it, it-it just wouldn't be right.

I-I wouldn't feel right.

Look, you-you've been... you've been upset for weeks now.

You've got to see someone.

Okay, okay.

Boy, if you feel that strongly about it I'm going to go.

I mean, I think it's a waste of time, but I'm gonna go just to prove that you're wrong.



Take me home.


( Starts engine )

Hey, but if you do go to a psychiatrist and he gives us the permission to, um...

I'll take you home now.



I'm Dr. Bernard Collins.

Elaine Nardo.

Nice to know you.

Nice to meet you.

What do you think?

What, uh...? Oh, I don't know.

Oh, come on.

I know you're an art connoisseur.

What's your opinion?

Well, uh, I hope you don't mind my saying this, but, uh, it stinks.

You didn't pay too much for it, did you?

Very little. I painted it.


I'm sorry, I didn't...

Oh, no, you're right.

It's terrible. Oh.

I sometimes use the painting to test my patients' honesty.

Boy, are you honest.

Uh, uh, don't you sort of like the eyes?

Yeah, I like the eyes.

Honest but kind.

Have a seat.


Could you move a little closer?

I think it's a toll call over there.

( laughs ): Gee, uh, I'm sorry.

I just didn't think I had to get all the way in the room.

This is going to be so easy for you, like an hour off.


Yeah, um, actually, there's nothing wrong with me.

I'm only here to prove to a certain person that I'm okay.

I see.

So, um, if you don't mind, could you sign this note?

"I have examined Elaine Nardo psychologically, and find her in no need of treatment whatsoever."

Nice note.

I especially like the flower in the corner.

So would you sign it?


Well, uh, you can ask me a few questions first, but, uh, it's not absolutely necessary.

Well, I do have an hour to kill.

And if you leave, I'll have to read this article about what rats did at the University of Wisconsin.


Well, uh, sure, if you don't mind wasting your time.

Might be fun. Yeah.

I never did anything like this before.

So... so, uh, go ahead, throw a few ink blots at me.

You want to hear my dreams?


Uh, do you want me to, uh, uh, scream or-or pound a pillow?

Admit I'm mad at my mother or my kids?

Look, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but all those therapies, they're just not for me.

What is?

Well, it's something kind of radical.

What's it called?


( laughs )

Look, I know this is new for you.

J-Just try and relax, huh?

Sit down. Please.

And tell me about yourself.

( Chuckles )

Well, what?-what do you want to know?

Anything... I never met you before.

Who are you?

Tell me a typical Elaine Nardo day.

Well, uh, okay.

Well, you see, I got this sort of schedule.

I'm very organized.

A sure sign of mental health, right?

( Chuckles )


So, uh, um, okay, this is what I do.

I-I, I get up, and I get the kids ready for school, right, and then I drop them off at school.

And I run my errands or I do laundry, and I prepare supper.

And then I go to the gallery, and I work for four hours.

Then I pick up the kids, and then we kind of spend some time together.

You know, I help them with their homework or I give them a bath or whatever, and I make supper.

And then when the baby-sitter comes, I go to the garage and take out a cab and drive all night.

And, uh, and that's all.


I know it sounds like a lot, but, you know, once you get...

How long have you been doing this?

A little over a year.


No, I-I-I know it sounds a bit much, but, uh, it's not all work.

You see, every day I make sure that I set aside a certain amount of time just to pamper myself.

I bet all of five minutes.

Oh, sometimes twice that.


Look, you don't have to tell me I'm busy.

See, I know I'm busy, but, uh... but what choice have I got?

See, I can't give up the gallery, because, uh, I really love it there, and, and I'm just starting to grow.

And, uh, I can't give up the garage, either, 'cause I need the money.

So, uh, I guess I'll just have to give up the kids.


Look, no more "wows," okay?

Look, I don't need anybody's help.

I'm the kind of person that other people come to for help.

So I must be pretty solid, right?

I mean, the kids come to me and, and the guys.

Yeah, it gets to be a bit much, you know, uh...

I-I mean, you don't know what it's like, everybody coming to you with their problems.

And, and sometimes I'll admit that I, I feel like getting in my cab, you know, and... and just driving and driving and driving and, and going some place where nobody knows me and, and nobody wants anything from me, and...

'Cause I just... I just get so tired

( voice breaking ): of being a grownup, you know?

And I've been doing it since I was eight years old, 'cause I had like three little brothers, you know, and they used to come to me all the time.

And, you know, sometimes... sometimes I think I just can't go on another day.

Oh, God, the nights aren't easy.

( Sobbing )

Oh, God, you must think I'm in bad shape.

No, not really.

Good, then sign the note.

( Sobs )

Hey, Elaine.


I haven't seen you in a while.

Huh, ever since you've been, uh, going to the psychiatrist...

What was it, two weeks, huh?

Yeah. How've you been doing, huh?

Well, uh, i-i-it's, uh, kind of hard to tell.

I've only seen him ten times.


But I like him.

As a matter of fact, I'm late for an appointment right now.


But, uh, but I've been missing you, and, uh, I wanted to talk.

Yeah, sure, sure.

This is kind of hard for me.

Ha! Let me start.

Nice dress.

( Chuckles ): Thanks.

Um, Alex, uh... Yeah?

Do you remember the conversation we had that night in the cab?

Uh, you mean, when you said, uh, "Alex, be honest with me. What are you afraid of?"

And I said, "I'm afraid you're just doing this maybe unconsciously"

"because you don't want to deal with the fact that, uh, you need help right now."

And you said, "I love it when a man accuses me of unconsciously avoiding therapy."

And then I said, "Don't give me a hard time.

It's not like part of me doesn't want to"?



Well, uh, I just wanted to tell you that you were right, that, that it was my way of, uh, avoiding my problems, and that, and that this wouldn't be the right time to get involved in a physical relationship.

And I want to thank you for, for realizing that.


Hey, listen, I'm just glad that one of us had the sense to stop before we did something that we would have both remembered fondly for the rest of our lives.

( laughs )

Oh, thanks again.

Ciao. Bye.

Hi, Latka.

Oh, Elaine... Uh, I heard you are seeing a podiatrist.

You know, I am... I seeing one, too.

Oh, no, no, no, Latka.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist.

A-A podiatrist is a doctor that takes care of your feet.

Oh, so that's... that's why.

That's... What?

Oh, because I told him I was having bad dreams, so he told me to wear looser shoes.


A-And you know, it worked.

Boy, this is a great country.

( Theme music playing )

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )