Taxi S2E5 Script

Wherefore Art Thou, Bobby? (1979)

( Theme music playing )

Here you go, Louie.

I got any messages?

Yeah, right here.

Oh, good. Here's your buck.

Here you go.

Oh, boy. Terrific.

Bad news?

I got a commercial.

Uh, Bob, forgive my ignorance, but, uh, I mean, I realize I don't know much about show business, but isn't getting a job supposed to be the good part?

It's just a local commercial for some suntan lotion.

Hey, Alex, this is not what I wanted to do with my life or my career.

I didn't get this job because I'm a good actor.

I got it because I happen to be a fairly great-looking guy who even looks better with a tan.

You sure you're not just being humble?

You know, I'm going to call my agent and tell him I don't do any more junk.

LOUIE: Latka!

Latka! What?

I got a message for you here.

Oh, okay.

You know the rules. What?

It'll cost you.

Oh, okay.

Here I go.

What the hell is this?

It's a kebel.

What's a kebel?

Well, it take 270 kebel make a lifnitsch.

What's a lifnitsch?

Eh, 130 lifnitsch make a matta.

Okay, so what's a matta?

I don't know nothing. What's a matta with you?

I, you know... I, you know...

I-I read it on the bubble gum wrapper.

Shut up or you're fired.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I was just pulling your yaktabe.

That's better.

Thank you very much.

Well, this is the garage, Steve.

This is the dispatcher's cage.

That guy in there?

The dispatcher.

He's mean.

Come on.

Here you go, Lou.

What do you think you're doing, B.B. Brain?

See what I mean?

I was just showing Steve around the garage.

Steve Jensen, Mr. Louie De Palma.


Get lost, yokel.

God, I love New York.

Come on, I want you to meet the others.

Hey, guys, this is Steve Jensen.

This is Elaine Nardo. Hi.

And this is Alex Rieger.

Hi. Good to see you.

That's Bobby over there on the phone.

Come on, you can sit in my seat.

Hey, I just picked Steve up at the bus station and guess what? What?

I find out he wants to be an actor.

BOTH: Oh, yeah?

Yeah. So I thought I'd introduce him to Bobby.

You know, he just got into town today.


Some luck, huh? Hmm?

I mean, what are the chances of a guy coming to New York to be an actor and first thing he meets a guy like me, who knows a guy like Bobby, who wants to be an actor too?

What are the chances of that?


At least.

Well, I set him straight.

You really told him, huh?

Well, not exactly. I had to leave a message.

The guy's never there.

Hey, Bobby, this is Steve Jensen.

He just got into town today, and guess what?

He wants to be an actor.

Oh-oh, yeah?

Yeah. So I told him I'd introduce you guys.

You know, you could give him some help, some advice.

You want some advice on being an actor, kid?

Forget it. That's my advice.

It's not worth it.

The only thing you get out of acting is heartache.

It will eat you up, it will spit you out.

It's a dog's life, man.

It stinks.

Does that help at all?

Uh, Steve, Steve... you have to forgive Bobby.

He's really not in love with acting right now.

He just got cast in a television commercial.

Oh, really?


You're a professional, then.

Oh, yeah, and this part is really challenging too.

I play the only guy at a party without a tan.

Who cares? I mean, the point is you're working.

Yeah, I... I suppose.

Look, you still want to learn about being an actor?



Follow me.

Hey, we're going to split. See you later, okay?

Thanks. Have a good time. Okay. See you, Steve.

Come on, I'll introduce you to my agent and then you can introduce me to my agent.

Hello, Louie?


I hate to bother you, but your handwriting is bad.

I can't... read it.

So what is this word?

Is it "brafla" or "bratla"?

What's the difference?

If it's "brafla," I have to kill a man.

I think it's "bratla."

Oh, good, good.

Now I won't need the rest of the day off.

Hey, Tony, is the side of your face swollen?

Oh, could be. I had a little accident.

What happened?

I leaned out of the cab to tell this guy he was an idiot and I forgot to roll the window down.

Hey, anybody seen Steve yet today?

No. I thought he was at your place till he got his own apartment.

Yeah, he is, only he left before I got off of work this morning.

I introduced him to my agent and I was just wondering how it was going.

Oh, that first day must really be rough, huh?

You're telling me.

When those agents and producers start slamming doors in your face, a few hours could seem like a lifetime.

I told him I'd take him out for a drink and talk to him.

I figure he might need it, you know?

Well, uh... I guess I got to go.

ALEX: Hey, Bob.


That commercial... Yeah?

Have fun.

Thanks. I'll try.

See ya.

Bobby? Yeah?

You're doing a commercial today?

I want you to have this.


What is it?

It's goat droppings.

Oh, hey, well, thanks, Latka.

Thanks a lot.

Is this good luck charm in your country?


Then, uh, why are you giving it to me?

I don't want it.

Hey, you know, the way Bob's taking care of Steve, you got to hand it to him.

I know.

Hey, Bobby's a great guy, man.

Before you name a church after him, might I point out one little detail.

What's that?

Wheeler's garbage and you all know it.

Hey, Louie, Louie, why do you dislike Bob so much?

He doesn't respect my leadership.

What are you talking about?

He's like everyone else here.

He fears you.

He pays you bribes.

He hates you.

Don't stick up for him.

You believe this?

Hey, Steve, Bobby's looking for you.

Hey... you okay?

I think so.

ELAINE: Hey, are you sure?

I'm okay.

ALEX: You want to talk about it?

There's not much to say, really.

I got a job.

No kidding?

Bobby's agent sent me on this audition.

I got it!

We open off Broadway in eight weeks!


Yeah, from me, too.

What's the part?

I'm playing Romeo.


In what?

In Romeo and Juliet.

Hey, I heard of that.

You must be some fantastic actor.

I mean, Bobby's been trying for a break like this for years.

Oh, God.

You know, he's right.

Bobby could be shattered by this.

I never thought about that.


So who gets to break the bad news to him?

I'll tell him.

No, that's all right.

We'll tell him.

Why do you get to?

Listen, this is going to be very painful for you guys.

It won't bother me.

In fact, I might even find some way to get a little enjoyment out of it.

Louie, why would anyone go out of his way to deliver awful, depressing news to another human being?


Oh, I see.

Come on, you guys.

You don't know how much this means to me.

It's a dream come true.

Excuse me for saying so, but I think I deserve a break like this.

Louie, you know, you're making a fool of yourself.

I know, and I don't care.

This is a once in a lifetime shot.

All I'm asking is one lousy little favor.

Let me break the bad news to Wheeler.

I'll do it... I'll do it in four words.

ALEX: Now look, Louie...

I'll do it in three words.

Make it one word.

Is "super-loser" one word?

Louie, stop!

Now, we're going to do it in our own way.

You got it?

Okay, okay.

You got me.

All right.

All right. You deny me the pleasure of telling him to his face.


But I can still call him.

Hey, stop that man! Stop him!


No time for love.

Stop that man!

( Elaine screaming )

Louie! Louie!


Get away from him!

All right, I give... I give up!

I give up! I give up.

You promise not to call him?

I won't call him.

He's losing his pants.

Don't you wish.

( Jeering )

All right, all right. Louie!

All right! I'm not going to ca...

I won't call him.

Trust my word.


Hi. I'd like to send a singing telegram.


Hey, here comes Bobby!

Look easy now.

ELAINE: Everybody act happy for him.

( Bobby humming )

ALL: Surprise!

Hey, this is great!


You guys are really something else.

We just thought, you know, we'd help you celebrate the commercial.

Oh, thanks.

What's the matter with your face?

Uh, Tony, please.

Well, look at his face.

Hey, I bet you were in on this too, huh?

And after the kind of day you must have had.

Ah, hey, this is really great, you guys.

I don't know what to say.

What's the matter with your face?

Tony! Tony... No! No, no.

Can you believe they wanted me to do the commercial like this?

I can't believe it.

Oh, boy!

But you know something?

It was really okay, you know?

I mean, I mean, you know, there are times, when even on a crummy commercial, there are times when an actor uses those tools that he has and they all start working for him, and it all comes together, and it's just...

They couldn't pay me enough to screw up my face like that.

Tony, please.

Bobby, why don't you just wash that side of your face?

I did, I did.

This stuff is going to be here for a while.

I mean, it really works.

I guess I'm gonna have to tell everybody that my father's side of the family comes from Florida.

( laughing )

Yeah, right!

Hey, so, how did it go?

Hey! I'd like to propose a toast.

Uh, to Bob... A really fine actor.

A fine, understanding, easy-going, level-headed, roll-with-the-punches kind of guy.


So, uh, how was your first day out, huh?

ELAINE: Bobby! What would you like to drink?

We got beer, we got water...

Oh, I think beer.

Beer will be fine. Beer.

Hey, listen...

I know that a party on a day like this must be really rough.

Hey, don't worry about me.

I'm fine.

Hey, that's the way to be.

Believe me.

Actually, I didn't have a bad day.

BOBBY: Oh, yeah? Great!

STEVE: As a matter of fact I had kind of a good day.

Super, super.

I'm playing Romeo off Broadway.

We open in two months.


I mean, what am I talking about, good?

That's great!

That's fantastic!

Hey, guys, did you hear this?!

Did you hear that?!

Yeah, well, you know, if you like revivals.

Yeah, yeah, that's nice, that's nice.



Nice?! Alex, it's off Broadway!

It's unbelievable.

Oh! Your first day out, kid, and you made it.

You made it.

You made it! You made it! You made it!

Hi, guys.

Hi, Bob.

Hello, Bob.

Hey, Louie, you got a cab for me?

( laughs )

What the hell are you laughing at?

Oh, he's laughing at my face.

Pretty funny, huh?

I haven't even gotten to your face yet.

Aw, come on.

Don't let him get to you, Bobby.

TONY: Bobby, I got it.

If you put some tanning stuff on this side of your face it wouldn't look so bad. Look, Tony, please.

Hey, what difference does it make what my face looks like?

I'm a cabbie.

I mean, if I was an actor or something, then I'd be worried.

Hey, wait a minute.

What are you talking about?

I'm not an actor anymore.


( laughs )

Since when?

Oh, since I decided it was stupid.

Oh, no offense, Steve, you know.

See, I realized last night that making it as an actor is nothing but a bunch of luck, so I'm dedicating myself to be the best cab driver I can be.

( laughs )

I feel guilty.

I should be paying for this.

So, I called up my agent this morning, told him the same thing I just told you, and as soon as he reads the message it'll all be official.

I feel like a new man.

Um... I'll be waiting right over here for my cab when it's ready, Mr. De Palma.

And it doesn't have to be anything nice.

Just whatever you got lying around.

Oh, gee, I wanted to give you a nice one.

Um, I know this is probably the wrong time to say this, but I'm sorry, Bobby.

Hey, don't be.

You did me a favor.

And good luck, 'cause you're going to need it.

Hey, Alex, could you help me with some more lines?

I got to get them down before this afternoon.

Yeah, sure.

Hey, on second thought, Steve, why don't you ask Bobby if he'd run over the lines with you?

You think he will?

I don't know. Ask him.

Maybe he'll help you with those lines in the first scene...

You know the one I'm talking about?

I get it.

Hey, Bobby, could you help me for a minute?

I got to recite some things.

Oh, yeah, sure, I guess so.

But, listen, as soon as my cab is ready I'm going to have to go.

Oh, that's terrific.

Here, Steve.

Here, it's the scene between Romeo and Paris in the last act... The fight scene.

Oh, yeah, I think I remember this.

We'll say this is Juliet's tomb.

Excuse me.

That's all right.

Okay, you ready?

Yeah, sure.

I'll start.

Thou detestable maw, thou womb of death, gorged with the dearest morsel of the Earth, thus I enforce thy rotten jaws to open and in despite I'll cram thee with more food.

( Mumbling ): "This is that banished haughty Montague"

"that murdered my love's cousin with which grief it is supposed..."

Bobby, I appreciate your help, but could you give me a little more?


This is that banished haughty Montague that murdered my love's cousin, with which grief it is supposed the fair creature died and here is come to do some villainous shame to the dead bodies.

I will apprehend him.

Stop thy unhallowed toil, vile Montague!

Can vengeance be pursued further than death?

Condemned villain, I do apprehend thee.

Obey and go with me, for thou must die.

I must indeed, and therefore came I hither.

Good gentle youth, tempt not a desperate man.

Fly hence, leave me.

Think upon these gone!

Let them affright thee!

I beseech thee, youth, put not another sin upon my head by urging me to fury!

O, be gone.

By heaven, I love thee better than myself for I come hither armed against myself!

Stay not, be gone!

Live, and hereafter say a madman's mercy bade thee run away!

I do defy thy conjurations and apprehend thee for a felon here.

Wilt thou provoke me?

Then have at thee, boy.

( Groans )



I am... s-s-slain.

If... if thou be merciful open the tomb, lay me with Juliet.

( Cheering )

Thank you very much.

ALEX: Hey, Bob.

Bobby! Hey, Bob!

Hey, you know something, kid?

You're great.

You can't give up acting.

Bobby, that was so... you know...

Yeah, I was brilliant, wasn't I?

Bob... wow.

Thanks, Alex, but you see, if I can be this good and still not get a decent job, then it just proves that acting is nothing but luck and I am glad I'm quitting.

( Louie laughing )

Ho, this day just keeps getting better by the minute.

Worked like a charm, didn't it, Rieger?

I got a better idea.

Let Bobby do the scene and he'll act it and say, "Why, I can't quit."

I wish I had this on film!

Thank you, Lord!

Thank you.

Hey, Louie.

Louie, uh, can I talk to you for a minute, please?

Yeah, but I can't promise to keep a straight face.


You know something, Lou?

It's-it's really great to have a sense of humor, you know.

But I'm afraid the joke is over.

And nobody knows better than me... nobody knows better than me, how hard it is to go after a dream that keeps slipping away.

You know, sometimes my career just seems like it's one obstacle after another.

It's nothing but a lot of heartbreaks, Louie.

You know, when I came in here today, I got to admit to you, I was beaten.

But I decided not to quit.

I found something, Louie.

I found something that's going to get me through all of that.

I've seen... I've seen a light, and it's far away but it's strong, and it's steady, and it's going to get me through this, and I'm going to follow that light till the day I die, Lou.

And you want to know what that light is, Louie?


That light is you, Lou.

You're my inspiration, and I'm going to keep digging and scratching and clawing as long as I know there's a chance that I might succeed, and maybe, maybe one day, maybe one day, I might be able to come back here in this garage and stuff every laugh you've ever had at my expense right down your throat.

Thank you, Louie.

You're welcome.

Now I have to go call my agent.

Well, Louie, the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.

( Chuckles softly )

You guys like the candy in this machine?

Yeah, why?

( Theme music playing )

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )