Taxi S2E6 Script

The Lighter Side of Angela Matusa (1979)

( Theme song playing )

Come on, Alex, it'll be fun.

No, no, no, Tony, I don't want to play softball against the day shift.

They got a lot of great guys on that team.

They're gonna kill us.

Alex, they put on their pants one leg at a time just like us.

Well, If they want to have pants-putting-on contest, I'm in.

Come on, Alex, it'll be fun.

Please? Please, please, please. No.

Okay, okay, Tony, look, if, if my plans fall apart on Saturday and I have nothing better to do, and I, uh, feel in the mood to be humiliated, I might just drop by.

We've got Alex. Oh, come on.

Rieger, I got a message for ya.

All right, here's your buck.

Thank you.

Message, message, Rieger, yeah.

Here you go, right here.

"Phil called... everything's ready for Thursday."

Phil called...?

Hey, wait a minute, I don't understand this.

I don't even know a Phil.

You want the message explained, it'll cost you another buck.

All right, here's a buck... Explain.

All right.

Ah, the explanation is I gave you the wrong message.


Yours will cost you another dollar.

But... I'll put it on your tab.

Hey, guys, guess who called?

Who? Angela Matusa.

Angela Matusa, you remember her from about a year ago.

She used to work for Bobby's answering service.

Come on, you guys met her.

Nice kid, great sense of humor... fat.

Angela! Oh, Angela!


I remember her.

Big Angie Matusa, the apartment house with legs.

Hey, Tone, she'd make a great catcher for your baseball team.

That dame could cover the plate, the umpire and the sun.

You say she's coming here, Rieger?

I'll prepare for her arrival.

Open the loading docks!

That's okay, Alex, everybody does their own thing.

Some men climb mountains, others date 'em.

Hey, Louie, cage time.

Oh, I think I'm gonna write these bon mots down, before I forget them.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Don't worry, Alex, you'll not hear another witty remark from me until she gets here.

( Imitating thundering footsteps )

Lock up the candy machine.

Hey, Alex, you keep telling us how terrific she is, but all I can remember is she was big and mean.

Well, she was at first.

I couldn't get through to her.

I remember our first date, though.

We ate at Mario's.

The evening just fell apart.

Why don't you drop the act now, huh?

What? What act?

Pretending you're not having a lousy time.

Hey, come on, Angela. What the...?

What do you still got your coat on for?

The management requested it.

Don't you care for your salad?

I wouldn't know if I cared for it or not;

I didn't eat it.

Hey, now, what's with you?

Look, you don't have to bother seeing me home.

No, no, no. I'll take you. I'll take you.

No, really I'm one of the few women in New York who's safe on the streets.

Hey, now, now, come on.

You... you came with me, you're leaving with me.

Listen, let's not spoil a lovely evening by arguing, okay?

And, hey, don't worry, you did your duty; you proved you we're a nice guy.

Hey, I-I'm taking you.

Get your paws off me.

They give you a little dinner, they think they own you.

Yeah, she was really down on herself because of her weight.

But we became good friends.

You know, I mean...

Ah, but then about six months later, she, uh... we lost touch.

She stopped answering my phone calls and, uh...

Hey, listen, uh...

She's very sensitive about this, so, uh, when she gets here please don't mention anything about weight, okay?



Hi, Alex.


My God, you lost a ton!

The only thing that could spoil this moment if Cheryl Tiegs was standing behind me.

Hey, Bob! Yeah.

You remember Angela?

Holy cow!

You look terrific. Oh!

It's some kind of miracle or something.

How much did you lose?

About a hundred pounds.

I have a ways to go, but I'm still trying.

A hundred pounds! Whoa.

How'd you do it?

Oh, this doctor put me on a special diet.

He said I could eat anything as long as it wasn't food.

ALEX: Hey, Angela, you look sensational. Yeah.

You don't know how many pounds I've waited to hear somebody say that.

I joined this weight group and it's really changing my life...

New hairdo, new clothes, new job.

I did save one of my old dresses, though.

Yeah, for old times' sake?

Nah, I throw it over my car when it rains.

LOUIE: Ahoy, there!

Has anyone seen anything of the great white whale?

Great white whale, that's funny.

ALEX: Uh... Uh...


Louie. Uh, Louie, Louie, I'd like you to meet someone, okay?

Louie, this is Angela.

She's not so fat.

He was going to hit you with a whole bunch of fat jokes.

Hey, Louie, congratulate her.

She lost 100 pounds.

Well, it's really great that you lost all that weight.

You should be very proud of yourself.

Thank you.

But, hey, if you ever bloat up again, come and see me.

It's nice you brought me here again, Alex.

Well, I figured we had such fun here last time.

Okay, decided yet?

Oh, sure..., uh, Angela?

Uh, let me just calculate my calories here.

Uh, let's see.

I'll have, uh, chicken, no skin; broccoli, no butter; salad, no dressing; and no dessert.

Well, uh, that sounds pretty good.

Oh, excuse me. Wait a minute.

Hey, Alex, do you want me to have a good time?


Then order what you'd normally have.

I can handle it, honest.

Yeah? Yeah.


Okay, Tommy, I'll have, um... salad, Thousand Island dressing, Veal Marsala, linguini in clam sauce, ( clicking )

And, uh, garlic bread.

Oh, my God. Oh, I'm s...

Oh, that's right. That's too much, right? No, it's...

Make the salad dressing Hundred Island.

( laughing )

Hey, Angela, I hope you don't get too tired of hearing how great you look.

Are you kidding? Huh?

I'm loving all this attention I'm getting.

You know what happened to me the other day?


I, Angela Matusa, got whistled at for the first time in my life.

Whoo! Hey, that's neat.

I bet you were a little embarrassed, though, right?

Yeah, and frustrated.

I chased him six blocks and lost him in an alley.

I really admire what you're doing, you know that?

I mean, I know how hard it is to kick a tough habit.

I quit smoking. Yeah?

Yep. Well, I'm telling you, there was a time when I never thought I'd be able to say

"I haven't smoked for ten years."

It can be done.

I'm telling you it can be done.

All it takes is a little, uh, confidence and, um, another nine years.

( Chuckles )

I know what you mean.

I tried dieting lots of times, and it never took.

I guess I just didn't have enough motivation.

And then suddenly I found a key.

Funny, it was there all the time.

What was it?



You're right, we were here all that time.

Well, not really men...

One particular man I wanted to attract.

He was nice to me.

He treated me like a person, even when I wasn't feeling like one.

That sounds like one great guy.

He sure is.

Um, um...

( stammering )

Hey, Alex, tell me something.

Yeah, what?

Could you ever have those kind of feelings for me?

Those feelings?

( Chuckles uncomfortably )

Angela, come on.

This is not a simple thing, you know.

I mean, uh... look, uh, here's what we're going to do, okay?

This is what we're going to do.

Let's just, um, um...

No, no, on second thought, let's, uh, um...

Look, Angela, wait a minute, I got it, this is it.

Look, why don't we just go out a couple of times and, uh, you know, get to know each other better and then, uh, maybe go out again and see what happens.

I mean, uh, see what develops.

How does that sound?

Hey, Alex, aren't you just saying this because I put you on the spot and you're afraid of hurting my feelings?


Okay, how about Friday night?

No, wait, look, look, maybe... maybe we shouldn't.

Look, it's a terrible habit of mine not being able to say no, and I-I think I should start sometime.

Well, start tomorrow.


Oh, Angela, I... Angela, I'm really sorry.

I, um...

Hey, Alex, don't worry about it.

Angela, I'm really sorry about this.

I mean, I feel terrible.

Uh, Alex, don't.

I mean, it's because of your help that I lost 100 pounds.

And, uh, maybe there'll be another guy.

And if I can lose 100 pounds for you, maybe I can lose 150 for somebody with a better nose.

Uh, listen, uh, you want to leave?

No, I want you to leave.


I just want to sit here, Alex, and collect my thoughts.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure, it's what I want.

I, um...

You know, I just wish once we could leave this place together.

Here we go... boneless, skinless chicken and broccoli, Veal Marsala and linguini and clams and garlic bread.

( Sighs )

What do you say, Elaine...

Saturday morning, fresh air, sunshine?

I'll put you in right field, I promise.

Oh, Tony, I didn't tell you, but my grandparents are coming in from Buffalo this weekend.

Great. That's my outfield.

Grandma's in center, Grandpa's playing left.

All right, Bobby, what do you want to play?

Oh T-Tony, listen, how many times do I got to tell you?

I'm a lousy baseball player.

You don't want me on your team.

I-I can't even catch a ball.

Listen, listen, listen.

There's plenty of time before Saturday.

I'll give you a few pointers.

Come on. We'll throw this around.

I'll straighten you out. Come on.

Okay, but it's pointless, Tony.

That's all right. Come on.

Try and grab this one. You ready?

All right, here we go, whoa.

See, I stink. I told you.

What do you mean?

So far, you're the only guy in the garage who knew enough to bend over.

Congratulations, you're my shortstop.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Alex Rieger.

He's not here yet.

Wait a minute.

You're fat.

Just a second.

What did I do with that list?

Now, don't waddle away... I'll find it.

Hey, look, all I want to do is talk to Alex Rieger.

Keep your tent on.

I can't find it... I had some great things.

You're so fat, you probably heard them all anyway.

I prefer to think of myself as portly.

Did you say "portly" or "porky"?

( laughing )

What do I need a list for?

I'm gold.

You guys hear that... Portly, porky?

Hey, Rieger, el battleshippo wants to talk to you.

Hi, I'm Alex Rieger.

Uh, I'm sorry about Louie.

Yeah, I'm not too thrilled with him either.

I'm Wayne Hubbard.

I'd like to talk to you about Angela Matusa.

She's a friend of mine.

Angela? Why?

Wha-what? Is something wrong?

Yeah, I'm afraid so. See, we'd always go to the weight control meetings together.


And on the way home we usually stop off for a cup of coffee... no cream or sugar.


I look forward to it all week long.

ALEX: Oh, that's nice.

Uh, yeah, she's a great girl, isn't she?

Why do you say something's wrong?

HUBBARD: Well, she called me tonight and she said she wasn't going.

Well, maybe she doesn't feel well.

No, no. She hasn't missed a meeting in, in six months.


Are those almonds?


You want to talk over here?

Wh-wh-what is it?

Look, she's, uh, she thinks a lot of you, Angela, because we're always talking and she always brings up your name.

And, uh... Mm.

That's why I came here, I hope, I hope you don't mind.

No, it's fine.

Oh, barbecued flavor?

Uh, uh, Wayne, Wayne, uh, why did you say something...

Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne...

Why do you say something is wrong?

When I talked to her on the phone, she was, uh, really down.

And usually when she's depressed I can talk to her and joke with her and pick up her spirits.

Yeah? But it didn't work.

Yeah, I know how that is.

Uh, y-you seem to know her quite well.

Yeah, I haven't admitted it to anybody, but, uh, I'm really crazy about her.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Well, why, why don't you go to her apartment and talk to her?

I don't think she's home.


'Cause while I was talking to her on the phone, in the background, I think I heard the faint clattering of cutlery.


Food, very bad.

Listen, we got to find her.

I'll get my coat; I'll be right with you.

Okay, uh, I'll get my car and pick you up out front.

Hey, where should we look?

I don't know. We'll split up, and we'll check all the restaurants in her neighborhood.


I called a few that she used to like, and either she wasn't eating there or maybe she's eating under an assumed name.

Alex, excuse me. I'm sorry.

I couldn't help but overhear.

No, no, I got to go Elaine. I got to go.

Are you sure you want to get involved in this?

Of course I do. Wouldn't you?

Well, Alex, can I talk to you a minute?


I just hope that, uh, that you're not gonna be too disappointed if there's nothing you can do to help Angela.

I mean, some people just can't be helped.

What are you talking about?

I refuse to believe that.

LOUIE: Hey, Alex.

Your friend's waiting for you outside.

Yeah, I know. Thanks.

You can't miss him.

He's the guy wearing the Plymouth.

Hey, Angela, I was looking all over town for you.

Never thought I'd find you in a dump like this.


Go away, Alex.

Look, Angela, I know I'm not your favorite person right now.

I don't want to talk to you, Alex.

You know, I have every right to feel upset right now.

I mean, you put me in a great spot. You know that?

It's like every bite you're taking is my fault.

Oh, Alex, don't blame yourself.

It's got nothing to do with you.

Ah... It's my problem.

I should be used to it by now.

I've had it for as long as I can remember.

You know, I wasn't even invited to my senior prom.

Big surprise?

But I was too embarrassed to tell my parents, so I lied to them.

I told them I had a date.

The theme was "Three Coins in a Fountain."

And they had a real live fountain right in the middle of the gym floor.

And you know where I was, Alex?

I was standing on the outside looking in.

I had to stand on a garbage can to look in the window.

Oh, Angela.

( Sighs )

And then halfway through, it started to rain.

So I walked around till 2:00 in the morning in the rain.

I wanted my parents to think I was having a good time.

I completely ruined the dress.

Fortunately, when I got home, my parents were sleeping, so I went in the kitchen and ate a turkey.

Oh, that's terrible, Angela.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You're always doing this, Angela. You're always doing this.

You're always using your pain as an excuse not to help yourself.

Now, look, you're not the only person that's suffered in this world, you know.

Everybody's got a story like that.

Okay, let's hear yours.

I knew I shouldn't have said that.

Here's your pork chops.

You want me to get a head start on something else?

No, no, Angela, Angela, please don't.

You look so great.

Who cares?

What do you mean "who cares"?

A lot of people care.

There's a guy out there right now, looking all over the city for you.


Wayne Hubbard.


Yeah. He came around to the garage and asked me to help him look for you.

He told me he cared for you a great deal.

Wayne... he's a real sweet, sensitive guy.

I couldn't have gotten through the last few months without him.

Did... Did you ever think of dating him?

( Sighs ) That blimp?

No, Angela, that real sweet, sensitive guy.


You like him, don't you?

Don't push this, Rieger.

No, come on. I could tell by that look on your face when I brought him up, huh?

Okay, okay, I like him.

Yeah, yeah. Those feelings?

Those little feelings, Angela?


But I've been resisting it.

Why? I mean, if you like the guy... wait a minute.

It's not his weight, is it?

Of course not.


Oh, thank God you found her.

Angela, I'm very worried about you.

I've been to every restaurant in this city.

This is the first one I haven't felt like eating in.

Look, I didn't invite any of you people in here.


I thought I could do something to help you.

Oh, you know, you two are really cute, you know that?

I mean, all this time you had special feelings for each other and you were just too shy to come out and admit it.

( Chuckles ) That's even cuter, you know?

Look, Wayne, I'm sorry.

I broke down; I told Angela how you felt about her.

I never knew, Wayne.

Angela, we've been through so much together, you and I.

( Sighing ): Yeah.

You're one of the most wonderful people that I have ever met.

I think you're pretty special, too.

( Chuckles )


Cute, cute, cute.

Isn't that something?


But, Wayne, I don't know if this is going to work out.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You don't have one problem that can't be solved.

Now, come on. Don't let this relationship get away.

When it's right, it's right, right?

Hey, look, if you two aren't going to do anything about it, I will.

Why don't we go somewhere for a cup of coffee?

Angela, listen to Alex.

When it's right, it's right.

Okay, let's go to my apartment and have a cup of coffee.

No cream?

No sugar.

Wow, just when you thought it couldn't get any cuter.

Aren't they cute?

Isn't that cute?

Oh, gee, Alex, you're always coming into my life and straightening things out for me.

I wish there was something I could do to help you out.

Angela, Angela, you have already, you have.

Someone just told me that people can't help each other.

Well, you just proved that they can.

Now, look. I want you both to walk right out that door with my blessing.

And never mind all those little, uh, problems that might get in the way.

( Alex chuckles )

Alex, incidentally, about what we were talking about?


The reason I didn't go out with Wayne had nothing to do with his weight.


No, I think he's adorable.

So what was the reason?

His wife and four kids.

Bye, Alex.

Thanks a lot, Alex.

That's cute.

Oh, shut up!

That was even more humiliating than I expected it to be.

Oh, come on.

It's not that bad.

( Groans )

The longest two hours of my life.

Hey, Tommy, give us two six-packs to go, please.

( Groans )

We wouldn't have got any hits at all if it wasn't for Elaine's grandmother hit that double.

I'll give you one thing, Wheeler... you don't lie.

You are a lousy ball player.

What do you mean?

I stole second base standing up.

Yeah, but from third?

In case you hadn't noticed, you weren't pitching so well, Tony.

All right, so I got mixed up on some signs.

What signs?

You only got two pitches, Tony... Balls and home runs.

Thanks, Tommy. Yeah.

Hey, where are you guys going now?

Break's over.

We've got to get back for the second inning.

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters.

( Walters mutters )