Taxi S2E9 Script

The Apartment (1979)

( Theme music playing )


TONY: Hey, guys.

You're never gonna believe who I just had as a fare.

Who? Neil Armstrong.

Oh, yeah? Neil Armstrong!

Imagine, the first guy who ever walked on the moon sitting in my cab.

Wow! I'm really impressed.

Hey, that's a great fare, Tony.

Where did you take him?

The unemployment office.

Yeah, you know, they cut back on the space program.

He's a little down on his luck.

It turns out he couldn't even pay the fare.

Hey, which was lucky for me, 'cause he gave me something even more valuable than money.

A rock?

This ain't no rock.

This is a piece of the moon.

He had a whole bag of them.

What's the matter?

We're jealous.

Uh, Tony, di-did it ever occur to you that this guy that said he was Neil Armstrong might have been a phony?

Oh, Bobby, if he was a phony, where did he get a piece of the moon?

Yeah, where'd he get a piece of the moon?

Okay, listen up, everybody.

I just come down from McKenzie's office, and he had my butt for breakfast.

It seems somebody sacked out in his office last night.

I mean, if it was one of you guys, I want you to just come right out and say so.

Now, trust me on this.

I'm not going to fire you.

I'm not going to make a big deal about this.

I just want to briefly torture you with a soldering iron.

Don't trust him.

I think it's a trick.

Now, come on, I got to know who slept in the garage last night.

If any of you have any idea who it might have been, just say so.

Latka!

Latka!

LATKA: Is occupied.

"It's occupied"? Get out here!

Get out here!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

( Mumbles )

Get that thing out of your mouth!

Now, what's the big idea?

( Mumbles )

You got toothpaste in your mouth? Swallow it!

( Mumbling ): Uh-uh!

I said swallow it.

( Gulps )

Mmm! Not bad.

All right... now, last night the cleaning lady went into Mr. McKenzie's office and she found a strange man sleeping on the sofa.

How did she know I was strange?

You got me in big trouble with the boss, Latka, and I'm not gonna stand for this.

Now take it easy, Louie.

There's got to be an explanation.

Latka, why were you sleeping in the boss's office last night?

'Cause I live here now.

I'm satisfied.

Look, I'm going to tell you this once.

You cannot live in this garage.

You can work here, you can sweat here, you can even die here, but you cannot live here.

Now, get all of this stuff, and get out of here before I kill you.

Louie... ( sighs )

Why don't you take a nice, deep breath and never let it out?

Come sit over here, Latka.

Come on, sit down here.

Now, Latka, what happened to your apartment, huh?

Well, they-they tore the building down.

Tore the building down? Why?

Because it would not burn. Oh.

Well, Latka, if you were living in such a crummy place, why didn't you come to one of us?

I not want to bother you.

Then you should have gone to your ambassador and have him help you find a place.

But ambassador was my roommate.

Hey, Alex, what do you say, Al?

Hey, did you find Latka a place yet?

No, not even close.

There's not much in his price range.

Aw, you didn't find anything?

Well, we had one offer that Latka almost took...

One room for one night including roommate and complimentary cocktail.

You better find him something quick, Rieger, 'cause I already sent his things on ahead.

On ahead where?

On ahead out in the street.

What?

Louie, I want to report an outrage.

You let some terrible person come in here and right under your face you let him take all my stuff, put it on the street.

I did no such thing, Latka.

I resent that.

I'll have you know I threw that stuff out myself.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, Louie, why don't you lay off, huh?

Latka's got no place else to go.

No, no, is okay.

I found apartment today. Yeah?

You took one of those places we saw yesterday?

Eh, no, no.

This morning I went for a walk, and I saw the sign say, it say, uh, "for rent."

So I looked, and I like what I see.

Hey, Latka, that's great. You did it yourself. man.

Yeah, that's terrific. Fantastic.

Yeah, but the manager say one thing I don't understand.

He want to put me on a leash.

"Lease."

Lease, Latka, lease.

Oh... Yeah.

You know, Alex, I think you better go talk to this guy.

I mean, you know, some tenement landlords, they take advantage of people.

Yeah, I think you're right.

Latka, maybe you'd better show me that apartment.

Okay. Okay, but what time-what time does the bus outside leave?

We don't need a bus, we're gonna drive.

I know, but it's parked on my sport coat.

Oh.

Not bad, hey?

Latka.

LATKA: Yes?

Latka.

You don't like it?

Latka!

Why do you keep saying my name over and over?

Latka!

Oh, man, give me a break.

Latka!

Latka, this is a terrible mistake.

How much is this place costing you?

3,000 a month.

$3,000?

It's all right, I have money in savings.

How much?

$3,000.

No, Latka. When they say 3,000 a month they mean 3,000 every month.

Oh, what am I going to do next month?

I was going to ask you that.

I better start saving again.

Can you believe people actually live like this all the time?

The closest we'll ever get to a world like this is the curb outside the building.

Not true, Alex.

You can come and visit here anytime.

You can even live here with me, if you like.

Well, hello, Mr. Gravas.

Oh, hello.

See? It comes with a maid.

Oh, yeah.

I thought you weren't moving in till tomorrow.

Mm, yeah, but I am showing my friend to the apartment.

Oh, well, I'm here to serve you. Oh, good.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Yes, nik-nik.

No, no!

Thank you very much.

Latka, Latka...

Latka, you're really in over your head, you know that?

You're in over everybody's head.

These apartments are built for people like the Rockefellers, the Vanderbilts, the Bee Gees.

But Alex, I want it.

Latka, you're throwing your money away.

I got to get you out of this. I really got to get you out.

Hello, can I speak to Mr., uh, Martin, please?

Good-bye, couch.

Good-bye, carpet.

Good-bye, lush contemporary decor.

Latka, I'm sorry, but we just can't... Hello.

Uh, yes, can I speak to Mr. Martin?

Mr. Martin?

Oh, yes, I'll hold on.

( Soft music plays )


♪ ♪

Uh, yes, hello, Mr. Martin?

Uh, my name is Alex Rieger.

I'm calling you about the penthouse apartment you rented to a Mr. Latka Gravas.

Well, I just wanted to say that, uh, we-we'll take it.

Yes, and thank you very much.

( Singing to "Staying Alive" ) ♪ Hey, hey, hey, ze-be-de-ba ♪

♪ Ah, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Ze-be-de-ba, ze-be-de-ba ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Ze-be-de-ba, ze-be-de-ba... ♪ Excuse me, Mr. Gravas?

Oh...

I'm sorry to bother you.

Oh, it's all right, it's just the news. Oh.

So, are you ready for nik-nik?

No. No nik-nik.

Is there anything else I can get you?

Eh, no, thank you. Okay.

Mr. Rieger, is there anything I can get for you?

Uh, yes, my swizzle stick is a little limp.

Oh, very well, sir.

( Doorbell chimes )

Mr. Tony Banta.

You know... but does she have to do that every time you leave, come back?

Every time?

Well, if it embarrasses you, do what I do.

What is it?

Don't leave.

Hi, Tony!

Hey, Latka.

Is there anything I can get for you, Mr. Banta?

Oh, no. You know, I hate to be waited on.

All right.

Hey, yo, but, uh... while you're up, you could draw me a brew.

All right.

Hey, make it that foreign kind.

You know, with the little picture of the mountain village on the label.

Hey, yeah, and put it in a frosted mug.

Okay.

Hey, make it two.

Save yourself a trip.

And some peanuts.

Oh, shelled or unshelled?

Surprise me.

( Doorbell chimes )

"A gentleman who needs no introduction...

"an artist in a world of philistines...

"our last hope for the life of the theater...

"a man who bestrides this world like a colossus... ladies and gentlemen, the legend we call Robert Wheeler."

Oh, thank you, thank you.

You're too kind.

Isn't this some place?

So what do you think?

I think that's your 14th grand entrance of the day.

Hey, Latka, Latka, can I bring a date over here tonight?

Okeydokey, Bobby.

Oh, oh, oh, Bobby, hey.

What, what?

I was thinking about bringing Cathy over here tonight.

Hey, well, Tony, this is, like, a big place, you know.

We can both use it, you know?

Yeah, but, uh, I don't think that's gonna work out because we both want to end up in the same room if you, uh, know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, I know, I know, let's flip for it, okay?

Okay, do you have coins?

Yeah, I got one over here. Here.

All right, um, y-you flip it, I'll call it.

All right, ready?

Yeah. Heads.

I win.

I get the game room.

Right, uh, okay.

I... I guess I'll just have to figure out something to do in the master bedroom.

I love that Jacuzzi.

Oh, I love every wrinkle on every toe.

Oh, thanks so much, Latka, for sharing this with us.

You know, in my country, everyone shares with everyone.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Otherwise they shoot you.

( Doorbell chimes )

ELAINE: Oh, I'm so relaxed.

I can't even remember what tension and unhappiness feel like.

There's a Mr. Louie De Palma here to see you.

I just remembered.

De Palma? I don't recall a De Palma.

Send him packing.

Don't let him in. Don't let him in.

Don't let him in. No.

I'm terribly sorry, sir, but you can't come in.

That's what you think.

I was in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd drop around to see you.

So this is the apartment you're all talking about, eh?

Inga... suds.

You know, we don't have to take this.

All Louie's gonna do is try and step on our good time. Yeah.

I say we make Louie leave right now.

No, no, Bobby, this is my house and Louie is my guest, and I want him to stay.

Besides, what negative thing can he possibly say about the greatest apartment in New York City?

That's true. I wonder.

This is a nice apartment.

You're going to feel like killing yourselves when you got to leave.

Quick, get some boards and nails.

Are you kidding? Our booze is in there.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Elaine, let him out.

( Exhales loudly )

Okay, I can tell when I'm not wanted.

I can take a hint.

You don't have to get mechanical.

By the way... you're out of scotch.

Get him!

You know, uh, Louie's right.

I am gonna miss this place.

BOBBY: Oh, me, too, Tone.

Hey, hey, hey, come on, stop that.

No more "I'm going to miss this place" talk.

Now, don't worry about it.

We still got four whole days to enjoy it.

Besides, believe me, four days will go by soon enough.

In fact, they'll zip by.

Boy, am I going to miss this place.

You're going to miss this place?

Do you know that right now my kids are down at the swimming pool taking swimming lessons, and in the afternoon, they have tennis lessons, and the elevator operator is teaching them French.

Damn it! We got to stay another month.

BOBBY: Hey, I know. I know.

We'll have a rent party, huh?

What's a rent party?

Well, I used to have them all the time when I was poor, you know?

It's um, it's like, what you do, is, is you have a singles party here and you charge about five or ten bucks a head.

That's right. We could get some of our passengers.

You know, a lot of them are from out of town.

They're always looking for something to do.

I mean, a mixer at an address like this can't miss.

Terrific idea.

Hey, I ain't making no promises, but maybe I can get Neil Armstrong here.

BOBBY: Boy, you could get high on Brut in this place.

Hey, Bobby, we got a problem here.

Oh, really?

Yeah, nobody's dancing.

What happened to all the girls?

There are no girls.

The maid's in hiding under the pool table.

Well, do you want me to go round up some chicks for you?

Tony, it takes you a month to round up one.

Oh, yeah.

Boy, you know, some of the women around here are real dogs.

You know, this party stinks.

Yeah, well, it's, uh... ( chuckles )

I guess it's a little slow but, you know, some of the best parties start off kind of slow and, uh...

There's no women here.

Yeah, well ( chuckles )

Maybe because of the gas shortage they're all coming in one car.

No, I'm just joking, just joking.

Oh, yeah? Well, I say if something soft and warm doesn't walk into this room soon, I'm going to demand my money back, right?

Yeah. Come on. Yeah!

How about a loaf of freshly baked bread?

( Men clamor ) No, hold it right there.

Now, look, this kind of talk gets me a little angry, you know.

Okay, so some of you are upset because there aren't many women.

All right. All of you are upset because there aren't many women here.

All right, all right.

All of you are upset because there aren't any women here.

So what's the big disaster, huh?

I mean, is that so bad?

No, no, come on.

When we were kids, we didn't need women, uh, to have fun, did we?

I mean, we, uh, we played baseball and, uh, football and tug-of-war.

For some reason, when we get older, uh, we get tangled up with women.

All we can think about is women, women, women, girls, girls.

Now, look, no, no, we have a chance to make new friends here tonight.

I mean, you know, develop comradeship, man-to-man.

Personally, I'm going to try to get to know each and every one of you here tonight.

Oh, really? Is that so?

Then I'm gonna go out and chase down some chicks, of course.

I want my money back.

( Men agreeing )

Elaine.

Oh, my God.

Uh...

Elaine, we're in trouble.

You're in trouble.

Hey, Elaine, come in, meet the guys.

Elaine, Elaine, they want their money back.

You're the only one that can get us out of this.

Now, now, why don't you just go in there and mingle around a little bit, talk, you know, keep their minds off their money.

Hey, think of your kids' French lessons.

Think of 31 fun-filled days.

Oh, yeah, yeah, well, I...

I guess it wouldn't hurt to mingle a little, right?

It doesn't hurt, it doesn't hurt.

Yeah. Okay.

Mingle, mingle, mingle...

Uh, hi, everybody.

MEN: Hi, Elaine!

( Chuckles ) Well, um, uh... let's see, what can we do to make this a more fun-filled evening?

Any suggestions?

Uh, no, uh, music!

How about some music?

Tony? Tony?

That's a great idea, great idea.

Good. Okay. Great idea.

( Disco music with heavy beat plays ) A little beat now.

Well, uh... would anybody like to dance?

MEN: Yeah!

Fellas, fellas, fellas.

Just-just step back a little.

Give her some room.

No, Elaine will dance, we will watch.

Don, watch.

Elaine will dance, Don will watch.

Don, see Elaine dance?

ELAINE: Yeah.

Dance, Elaine.

Oh...

Now you want your money back?

I want everybody's money back.

( Men agreeing )

Elaine...

ALEX: Look at this!

( Men grumbling )

Oh, look at this.

Hey, come on, now.

Elaine!

Look at this!

All right! Yeah!

Look, take it easy.

There's your ten, now, there's yours.

I'm glad you could come tonight.

It's been a fun-filled evening.

Thank you so much.

Well, that's that.

No more French lessons.

No more water bed.

No more game room.

Louie was right... we are losers.

No, no, Latka... wrong.

No one with a friend like you can be called a loser.

You gave us a great month, Latka, thanks.

Aw, Latka, don't feel so bad.

Listen to me.

Tomorrow we're all going to go out and find you a great place to live.

Are you okay?

Yes, I-I'm okay.

But I have been thinking, and I have this one thought.

You know, for me to live in a place like this has been a miracle.

And someday, when things are bad, and I have no money and no food, and I'm depressed, I will think about this month that I lived here, and I will feel even worse.

Hey, what do you say we, uh... we leave and let Latka spend the last night in his own apartment.

Oh, yeah, good idea.

Good-bye.

See you, Latka.

Bye-bye.

Thanks a lot, Latka.

Good night. See you. Thanks.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye... apartment.

Good-bye, apartment.

I'm going to miss you.

Good-bye, panoramic view.

Mr. Gravas?

Yes?

Nik-nik?

Oh, thank you very much.

( Theme music playing )


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )