Taxi S3E10 Script

The Costume Party (1981)

( Theme music playing )


May I have your attention, please?

God knows, I hate to interrupt the important conversations I know you're all having, but someone special is retiring today after 41 years with Sunshine Cabs.

These are the last receipts that will ever be turned in by our old friend Maxie...

What is that, "Mulch"?

Mulcher?

Melcher.

Terrible handwriting.

Nerves go first, huh, Maxie?

Anyway, it's customary, when a person retires to present them with a little gift to help them keep track of the time.

So here you are, Maxie, a lovely calendar depicting 12 different scenes of American highways.

Use it in good health.

Thank you.

You know, a lot of you... Rodriguez, 993.

Murphy... Louie... Beat it, Max.

Look, uh, Jeff, if anybody wants me, I'll be in the library.

Just act natural and don't make a fuss over this.

Over a briefcase?

This isn't any briefcase, Elaine.

I was cruising the Broadway District, like I do on Thursdays, you know, hoping to make a contact.

The guy I picked up left this in the back of the cab, right?

And I was thinking that maybe there's a chance this guy might be important in the theater, you know?

Oh, and he's going to owe you a favor for returning this, right?

Hey, Elaine, you know, there are a lot of ways to make it in the theater, and if being nice is one of them, I'm willing to give it a shot.

Beautiful thought, Bob.

Beautifully put. Thanks.

Hey, what's up?

Shh. I don't want Louie to know about this.

I found it in the back of my cab.

You have that, too, huh?

I'm always finding stuff people leave behind...

Old magazines, gloves, meat... Meat?

Not good meat... chewy.

Oh.

Jim, sit down.

Anyway, if I'm going to return this I got to get it unlocked to find out who it belongs to, but I've been trying, and I can't do it.

I thought the rule was, anything you find in a cab, you got to turn in to Louie.

Anything that goes into Louie's cage vanishes from the face of the earth.

Yes, with the definite exception of Louie himself.

Hey, you know what? There are initials on this... N.Z.

Norman Zelnick!

My God.

Who's Norman Zelnick?

I was hoping one of you would know.

Geeze.

All right, so I guess we're just gonna have to bust it open, huh?

No, no, no, Tony. I don't want to ruin the case.

Ooh... Latka's a mechanic.

He's got to have something that can open this.

Yeah, that's right.

Latka, come here.

What?

Take a look at this case.

You think you can open it?

Oh, sure, I can.

I have just the right tool.

Give him a chance, give him a chance.

( Yelling )

Latka!

What the hell is this, Iwo Jima?

What's going on here?

Louie, Louie, I found this briefcase in the back of my cab and you're not getting it.

Well, why don't you open it and find out whose it is?

Oh, you think it's that easy, huh?

Well, I've been trying, I been trying and I can't do it.

I'll open it for you.

Yeah, what makes you think you can open it?


Ten bucks, Wheeler.

All right, ten bucks.

Easy to come by.

Do your worst.

Pleasure doing business with you.

All right. Come on, come on.

Okay, okay... you ain't getting anything that's in there, Louie.

What? What?

What? What? Come on, now, you got your money. Now, get out of here.

Go! Shoo! Shoo! Scram, mush, mush!

All right! Okay! Calm down! Calm down!

( Scoffs )

( Unintelligible muttering )

I can't.

You can't what?

I got... I got to have something out of that briefcase. BOBBY: Louie...

I got... I got to, please!

Louie, you get out of here, Louie...

No, I mean it, Wheeler, I mean it.

Get out of here.

Uh, Bob, I think he's serious.

He needs this. He's not like us.

Just anything, Wheeler, anything.

Anything.

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

( Indistinct whispers )

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Okay. Huh?

( Gasps )

Oh!

A pen!

Good.

Good. Hey, Iggy!

Look, I got a pen.

Eh... Yeah.

Good, good.

( Cackling )

I've never seen a human being experience such joy.

A human being couldn't.

TONY: Looks like the guy who owns this is a pretty rich dude.

Hey... ( chuckles )

I may have hit the jackpot.

I don't know who this guy is. Let's see.

But he's got a picture of Stephen Sondheim.

Oh, let me see.

That's Stephen Sondheim?

Yeah, the guy on the left.

I don't recognize the other guy.

Maybe that's Norman Zelnick.

Hmm.

There isn't any Norman Zelnick.

Wait, Bobby.

I've heard that name before.

Oh, my gosh! Look at this!

It's a picture of Paul Newman!

Hey, yeah, and the guy up here is the same guy as the picture down here.

Whose briefcase this must be.

This is fun.

Hey, hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What are we doing here?

Are we trying to find out the name of the guy who owns this, so we can give it back to him or are we just snooping through his briefcase?

We're just snooping through his briefcase.

And loving every minute of it.

Whoa, look what I got here... His appointment book.

All right! Ooh!

BOBBY: Oh, wow, look at that.

"Tuesday, lunch, L. Strasberg."

That's Lee Strasberg.

"Wednesday, lunch, Liza."

Minnelli. Doesn't say.

Got to be.

Wow, he's having lunch with somebody famous every day this week.

( Chuckling ): Oh, look at this.

He knows Cary Grant... An autographed picture.

Oh, wow.

Who do you figure this guy is?

I don't know.

Maybe he's an agent, maybe a producer.

Or maybe a real estate salesman.

"Neal Zacherman." BOBBY: Uh-huh.

"Zacherman Real Estate."

He sells real estate. Well...

What's he doing with all these pictures of celebrities?

I don't know. He must, uh, specialize in famous people.

Sorry, Bobby. ( scoffs )

Well, what's he doing the rest of the week, Elaine?

I don't know. I'm starting to feel real funny about looking through this. Ah...

I mean, it is private property, you know?

Aah... So one more.

Okay. All right.

"Woody's costume party, Saturday night."

That's it.

That's it.

That's one of Woody Allen's famous parties.

He throws them once a year. It's a tradition...

All the biggest celebrities in the world show up there.

Yeah, biggies, like Neal Zacherman, hmm?

No, no, Alex. Nah...

Really big stars, too.

I didn't read about it in the paper.

Well, it's not in the papers. It's a secret.

He wants to keep out the crashers.

Oh! You know, except for the people who are invited to this party, I mean, we may be the only ones who know about it.

That's very likely.

Yeah.

Scarlett O'Hara.

I'll be Cyrano.

Yeah! Let's do it.

Hey, hey, hey, come on.

Alex, this is perfect.

What's perfect?

It's a costume party.

Nobody's going to know who anyone is.

It'll be great. Yes! Yes!

If you get caught, you're gonna look foolish.

It's worth the risk.

( Groans )

Aw, hey, come on, Alex? TONY: Come on, Alex.

ELAINE: Yeah! Huh?

This could really help my career.

I mean, this place is going to be contact city.

Yeah! Listen, if it's so important to you, go ahead.

What do you need me for?

Well, if you go, that means it's not so nuts.

So, the only way you're not gonna look as crazy as you are is if I look as crazy as you are?

I think so.

Well, as persuasive as that argument is, I don't want to go.

BOBBY: Oh, come on!

I mean, what am I going to wear?

I'll fix you a costume. Yeah! Oh, come on.

TONY: Hey, Elaine, would you fix one for me, too?

Sure.

And me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll fix you all three up.

Come on, Alex, what do you say?

Come on, Alex. Would you go?

It's ridiculous.

Oh! You're a drip.

Oh, you mean, if I go to this one party it's gonna save me from Dripdom?

That's right.

Yeah. What do you say?

BOBBY: Come on. What do I say?

Come on! ( Indistinct voices )

I'll tell you what I say.

I say, let's go to Woody's.

( All cheering )

ALEX: Let's go to Woody's!

OTHERS: Let's go to Woody's!

ALEX: Let's go to Woody's!

ALL: Let's go to Woody's!

Come on! Let's go to Woody's!

Let's go to Woody's!

Let's go to Woody's!

Let's go to Woody's!

What's the matter?

Louie... in the name of God, you're not thinking of going to this thing, are you?

You're gonna ruin it for all of us, Louie.

Of course, I'm going to this thing!

I'm going to meet a few celebrities.

ALEX: Ah, no, you're not.

I'll get some free food... take home a couple of autographs with my new pen.

Aw, thanks, Louie. Thanks.

Bye.

LOUIE: Sounds like my kind of evening.

Hey, wait a minute. What are we worried about?

Louie doesn't know where the party is.

The location is right here in the book, right?

Oh... Which is now in the briefcase back on its way to its owner, so... if nobody tells Louie where the party is, that means Louie can't go to the party.

TONY ( chuckling ): That's right.

( laughs ) Too bad, Lou.

Yeah. We'll tell you all about it afterwards.

ALEX: Right. Bye-bye, Lou.

BOBBY: I'll give your regards to Woody.

Bye-bye, Louie.

ALL: We're going to Woody's.

We're going to Woody's...

( Dixieland music playing )

I don't believe it. We just walked straight in.

( Sighs )

I'm so nervous, I can't breathe.

Okay, now just relax. The worst is over.

We're in. ( laughs )

Isn't this incredible? What a great place to have a party, on a boat.

I know! Only Woody Allen would think of this.

Hey, you don't mind, I'm just going to go and mingle a little bit, you know?

Oh, no, no, no. Me, too.

Kind of feel out the territory, you know.

( laughs ) Just act unimpressed.

That's impossible.


Hey. It's the Andrews Sisters.

( Chuckling ): Hey.

You guys look great.

How'd you know it was us?

Just a wild guess.

You know, when-when Elaine told us about these costumes uh, Alex, he thought it was going to look stupid.

( Scoffs ) Well, I'm not too big a man to admit that I was right.

Look at this party. Ain't it worth it? Huh?

It is fabulous.

And wait till you taste the food. It's great!

And they got one of the best bands playing in there I've ever heard.

Well, I have to admit, it's a long way from beer and pretzels...

( indistinct voices )

Oh, my God!

They hit Pearl Harbor again?

Wait a minute.

I know who you are.

Latka... Uh, Tony... and Barbra Streisand.

No, Jim, this is a costume party, remember?

You were supposed to wear an outfit.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

( Clearing throat )

I look wigged out, huh?

So come on, tell me. Who's famous here?

Oh, everybody, man.

Before you guys came in, I heard some people talking.

And they had to be Diane Keaton and Truman Capote.

Nah...

Man, this is just too good to stand here.

I got to mingle.

Me, too.

Point me to the starlets.

Uh, shall we, Laverne?

Okay, Maxine.

Hey.

Hey, uh, Patty?

Come on, I'll get you a drink.

( Stifled yell )

I couldn't help myself.

What are those?

Oh, they're Dramamine.

See, I get a little seasickness on boats.

This boat is tied to the pier, Bob.

Yeah-yeah, I know, but it's the motion that gets to me.

Oh.

( Pills rattling )

What are you taking there, Bobby?

Oh, these are for seasickness. You want one?

No, thanks.

I'm already a little seasick.

But don't go away. It might wear off.

Oh, Alex, I just came by to tell you I'm having such a terrific time and that your seams are crooked.

Huh?

Oh.

How's that?

Much better.

Alex.

Huh?

Whoo!

Elaine, why are you in such a hurry?

Oh, uh, well, I-I met this guy, and we're dancing.

Hey, hey, Elaine, Elaine... who-who is this guy?

Do-Do you think he might be somebody famous?

Oh, Bobby, I don't want to tell you.

'Cause you're gonna think I'm crazy, but he's Al Pacino.

Well, I mean, his name is Al, right?

And I've seen all of Pacino's movies, and the voice could be his.

Oh, boy, Elaine.

We're a little star-struck, are we?

Well, just...

Hey, uh, can I meet him?

( Giggles ) Sure. Come on.

Oh, good.

Whoa!

You again.

Everywhere I go, he's there.

( Dixieland jazz plays )

What a party! Huh?

You'll never guess who's here.

He's headed this way. Who?

TONY: That's Henry Kissinger.

You can't miss that voice.

( Whispers ): The Lone Ranger?

Wow. He's a great man, Tony.

I know. I'm really getting impressed now.

That guy was the Secretary of State.

He won the Nobel Peace Prize.

I've heard he was always good to Tonto.

I was getting to that, Jim.

BOBBY: Alex! Tony! Yeah.

Hey, Bob. Hey, Bobby, what's the matter?

I just found out Hal Prince is at this party.

Who's Hal Prince?

He's one of the biggest directors on Broadway, Tony.

Are you sure it's him?

Oh, yeah.

I overheard this girl talking to a walrus, and she called him Mr. Prince.

Oh, Alex, how can I meet him?

You could take him a fish.

Bobby, he doesn't know you're not supposed to be here.

Just go up to him and introduce yourself and have a little... chat.

Hey.

Casually.

Hey, that's really good, Alex.

So... Just-just go up to him

( stammers ): and introduce myself and talk to him casually.

Hey, that's really great.

( Mumbles )

Hey, Alex, you just been standing around.

I mean, come on. Let's mix.

Let's rub elbows with the biggies.

I don't know, Tony.

What, Alex?

What's wrong?

I've been wondering about something.

I mean, why is it we have this group of people that we set off from ourselves?

You know, we call them famous people.

We treat them better, we treat them special.

We get excited when we're in the same room with them.

What makes them so special?

I know exactly what you're saying, Alex.

And I bet there's plenty of famous people that nobody even knows about.

We have to talk like this more often, Tony.

Hey, Bobby, did you meet Hal Prince?

Oh, yeah, kind of.

I threw up on him.

Might have given "Hi. Nice party" a try first, Bob.

I'm never going to work in show business again.

Oh, I feel like going home.

ELAINE: Bobby, what did you do to that walrus?

Look, everybody.

Look what I got. Look here.

What do you got there, Latka?

I got autographs.

What? Autographs.

Latka, that's the worst possible thing you could do.

Celebrities don't ask other celebrities for their autographs.

Bobby, that's okay. Take it easy.

Elaine, do you realize what this means?

Hal Prince is going to find out that the guy that threw up on him snuck in here to do it.

I don't care what you say.

You can yell at me all you want, but I got the autographs from famous people.

Yeah, well, who'd you get, Latka?

Well... Look.

First... first here is George Hanson.

It says, "Best wishes to my buddy, Latka."

And next here is, uh...

"Nice costume, Latka."

Signed... is signed by Fran Petricini.

"Here's looking at you, Latka.

Gus Bates."

Who are these people?

Well, there is Gus Bates over there in the Lone Ranger outfit.

You know, suddenly, I'm not so sure we are where we think we are.

Boy, I know that feeling.

This explains something I heard earlier.

I heard somebody said that they were in the Pacific with this guy Woody during World War ll.

I figured they meant he was entertaining the troops.

Woody Allen would have been about four years old in World War ll.

I didn't know when he got started in show business.

So, who are these people, then?

Friends of Neal Zacherman's.

Yeah, probably a bunch of real estate people. Mm-hmm.

That means I didn't throw up on Hal Prince. ( chuckles )

You're still young.

Come on, let's get out of this place.

Come on, let's go have a beer.

Yeah. Come on. Yeah.

Yeah, let's go. Come on. That's a good idea.

Where's the nearest U.S.O.?

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What? Wait a minute.

We're crazy, huh?

What's the big deal?

A moment ago, we were having the greatest party of our life because we, uh, thought we were among celebrities.

So what if they're not celebrities?!

They still could be interesting people, can't they?

I'm going to get to know, uh, Gus Bates.

Hi. I'm Alex Rieger.

I'm Gus Bates.

Wait up, you guys!

( Dixieland jazz playing )


( Sighs )

Oh, we're almost home.

What a depressing night.

You're telling me.

ALEX: Aw, come on, Elaine. Hey!

You know, I mean, you might have lost Rhett, you might have lost Al Pacino, but you still got Patty...

Maxine... And Laverne.

ALEX: Hit it, girls.

Bei mir bist du schon

♪ Please let me explain ♪

"Bei mir bist du schon" means that you're grand ♪

Bei mir bist du schon

♪ Again I'll explain ♪

♪ It means you're the fairest in the land ♪

♪ I could say "bella, bella"

♪ Even say "wunderbar"

♪ Each language only helps me tell you ♪

♪ How grand you are ♪

♪ I tried to explain ♪

Bei mir bist du schon

♪ So kiss me and say you'll understand. ♪

( Theme music playing )


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )