Taxi S3E11 Script

Elaine's Old Friend (1981)

( Theme music playing )

( Slurred ): Loneliness, loneliness, loneliness... hmm!

Miss Taxi Cab Driver, do you know where I spent my afternoon?

In a bar?

I was in a bar.

And do you... do you know what I was doing?


I was drinking.

You know... you know what I was thinking about?


You too, huh?

( laughing )

( Tires screeching )

Here we are.

Uh, $7.50.

Here. Just keep the change.

Oh, thank you.

Are you sure you can find your plane?

Listen, if I'm late, they're going to wait for me.


Park and 63rd, please.



Excuse me, but, uh, does this bring back any memories?

Gimme an E! Gimme an E!

Gimme an A-S-T!

BOTH: Gimme an S! Gimme an S!

Gimme an I-D-E!

East Side, East Side! Go, team, go!


Never heard of it.

( Screeching )

( Screeching )

Elaine O'Connor.

Mary Parker.

I don't believe this.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

It's amazing!

After all these years.

You know, I have thought of you now and then trying to think what you might be doing.

Oh, how close did you come to this?

Not very.

I must say, I was a little startled to see our homecoming queen driving a cab.

Uh, Mary, uh, I wasn't the homecoming queen.

Oh, who was?

You were.

That's right.

Weren't you something, Elaine?

Oh, yes!

I was, uh, head cheerleader.

Oh, that's right.

And the lead in the senior class play.

Oh, that's right. Mm-hmm.

I remember... I wasn't able to be in the senior class play because I was too busy dating.

( laughing ) ( forced laughter )

Oh, Elaine, we've got a lot of catching up to do.

Oh, yeah. Tell me about yourself.

Oh, no, no, no. You go first.

Okay. I, uh, own a advertising agency.


I own a co-op in Manhattan.

I take a month or so in Europe every year.

Oh, and I have a steady fella.

He's an international lawyer and we're really excited, because right now, we're planning a trip for next spring to China.

( laughing ): Oh!

Maybe I should have gone first.

Well, uh, besides this, I am a receptionist at an uptown art gallery...


And, uh, I'm a divorced mother of two beautiful children...


And I, uh, uh... That's it.

Well... regardless, you... certainly look nice.

( laughing )

Uh, Mary, you don't have to feel sorry for me.

Sorry for you?!

Because there's no reason to.

Well, I know that.

Because I'm very happy.

Oh, you certainly seem very happy.

Yes, well, I'm even happier than I seem!


Because, uh, you see, I have a steady guy too.

Oh, great. Yeah.

What's his name?

Uh... it's, uh... Billboard.

Bill Board.

Bill Board.

( laughs )

Well, tell me about him, Elaine.

What does he do?

Uh, he's a professor at Columbia.


Must be brilliant.

He is, and not at all stuffy.

He's, uh, he's charming and witty, and, uh, he's also the most romantic man in the world.

Oh, he sounds wonderful.

He is.

Oh, I have an idea.

Why don't we all get together for dinner tomorrow night, the four of us.

Oh-oh-oh, no, Mary.

Uh, we're all tied up till the weekend.

Oh, I see, well, perhaps another time.

We'll play it by ear.

Right. I would love to meet your man.

Me too.

Hey, Elaine. Hey.

Hey, Elaine, how you doing?

Don't talk to me.

I hate everything today.

I mean, look at me.

I'm a mess.

Oh, yeah.

BOBBY: I hardly even know you.

You know, I was so depressed when I woke up this morning, that I barely made it in here.

I mean, I didn't feel like doing anything.

I swear to God, I didn't even floss.

( Gasping )

Come on, Elaine, we're just kidding.

ALEX: Hey, come on, Elaine.

Now, what got you so down, huh?

Oh, I don't know.

It all started last night when I picked up Mary Parker in my cab.

Who's Mary Parker?

Does she, have, uh... frizzy blonde hair, granny glasses and smoke French cigarettes?


Well, if you run into somebody like that, I'd like to meet her.

Mary Parker is this girl I went to high school with you know, that I haven't seen for a long time.

Well, she's beautiful, she's rich, she's successful, she's dating this great guy.

So, here we were, sitting in my cab... right? -talking about our lives, and, uh, she has all this and the most exciting thing that's happened to me is I bought this new cushion that keeps me from sticking to the seat.

Hey, you know, Elaine, when you're a cab driver, you know, it's a little natural to occasionally run into someone who's better off than you are.

ELAINE: Yeah, well...

People you run over are better off than you.

See, you don't understand.

What don't we under... What are you talking about, Elaine?

See, this isn't just somebody.

I mean, this Mary and I were real competitors in high school.

Where can I get one of those?

One of those what?

One of those things to keep you from sticking to your seat.

I'll get you one, okay?


Anyway... seeing Mary again just reminded me that I... that I once expected more from myself, you know?

See... I never told you guys this before, but, in the yearbook, I was voted "Most Likely to Succeed."

You know, uh...

I was voted "Most Talented."

What obedience school was that, Bobby?

While we're patting ourselves on the backs here, I had perfect attendance my junior year and I was elected president of the biology club.

That's because you could take your brains out and pass 'em around the room.



I'd like a blue thing to keep me from sticking.

It's my favorite color.

Right, Jim, right.


Hey, Elaine, Elaine.

Come on, Elaine.

Look at me, look at me, look at me.

Now, come on. Cheer up, huh?

LATKA: Now, wait a minute.

Just a minute.

There's only... is one thing you need in life and to make... make you happy, and that is friends.

That's all you need is friends, and then you be happy.

Right, Latka.

If you have friends, you be happy... happy... happy person.

You-you also need the food and clothes.

You need, you need food and clothes and you need the friends and the food and clothes, then you be happy person.

ALEX: Thank you.

And a nice car.

So, if you have friends and the food and clothes and the nice car, it is all you need.

You don't need anything else.

Except a home.

You need the home.

A nice house, and when your friends come over to visit you, they might want to take a dip, so you need the pool.

So, let's add this up:

You need the friends and the food and clothes and the car and the house with the pool.

And a beautiful woman, uh, who have a nice body that make you, uh, foam, foaming at the mouth.

And she will sit by the pool in the bathing suit.

That's all, you don't need anything else.

You need the friends the food and the clothes, the car, the house with the pool, the beautiful woman that make the... the foam come out of the mouth...

You know, as long as you have the house with the pool, the car and the beautiful woman... the friends would only get in the way.

Forget I said anything.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Elaine, Elaine...

See, see, I just can't figure this out.

I mean, it doesn't add up.

Why should all this great stuff happen to Mary Parker?

I mean, I'm a nice person.

I work hard. Where's my reward?

Elaine, Elaine, you're not going to let this get you down like this, are you?

Oh, I'm trying not to, Alex, but...

Well, the worst part of it is that Mary felt sorry for me.

Oh, she... she tried to deny it, but I know she did.

Well, I couldn't stand that, so, uh, I started lying.

Lying?! What'd you lie about?

Well, I couldn't lie about my job, so, uh... I lied about having this great steady guy.


She kept pressuring me to get together, so she could meet him.

Ew... But I really, really had to squirm to get out of it.

Alex, I don't believe it.

I'm ashamed of my own life.

( Phone ringing )

Sunshine Cab Co.

Who? Yeah, she's here.

Who may I say is calling?

Oh. Hey, Elaine, it's that Mary Parker.

You know, the woman whose life is so much better than yours.

( Perky ): Hi!

Yeah. Uh, it was great seeing you last night, too, Mar.

Oh, yeah, it's a shame, I know, but we're all tied up through the weekend.

Uh, next week? Uh, no.

Next week, we're going out of town for the whole week.

Oh, yeah, and the week after...

Uh... Mary...

I have a little confession to make. Um...

No, no, no, just give me a chance to say this 'cause it's kind of hard. I...

Hello, Mary, uh, I'm sorry to interrupt.

I'd just like to say hello.

Hello. ( laughing )

Oh, who am I? I'm Elaine's guy.

What do you say? You want to get together?

How about Saturday night?

Fine. Great.

It will be a pleasure.

Okay. Can't wait for it. Bye.


Alex, I appreciate what you're trying to do but you don't know what you got yourself into.

Alex, that was great.

You really think so?

Yeah. Now... if they can just invent something to keep me from sticking to my shorts.

Bill Board?

Hey, you came this close to being Karmen Ghia.

Look, the important thing is that we just relax and have a good time, right?

And that we're not pitied.

Elaine, damn it.

I don't want to hear any more talk like that.

Now, no one's going to pity you tonight.


You told your friend Mary that you had a guy that was crazy about you?

You're going to have a guy who's crazy about you...

Who will worship the ground you walk on.

Okay. May I have a glass of water?

What's the matter? Your arm's broken?

All right, all right, all right.



Hi. Mary, this is Bill Board.


Bill, this is Mary Parker.

How do you do? Hi, there.

And this is Michael Edwards.

ELAINE: Hello.

Elaine Nardo and Bill Board.

How do you do? Hi.

Why don't you two sit down?

Yes, sure.

ELAINE: You look lovely.

MARY: OH, thank you.

MAITRE D': Would you care for cocktails?

Uh, martini up, please.

MICHAEL: That sounds good.

Bill, why don't you order for us.

All right.

I think we'll start with a bottle of your finest champagne.

Yes, sir.

It's kind of an anniversary for us.

It was nighttime when we met.


That's sweet.

MICHAEL: That's a very unusual name... Bill Board.


I'm sure you get a lot of kidding.

Well, I don't have as much trouble as my two brothers: Clip and Switch.

Madame, sir.

Our very finest.

Thank you.

Oh, remember, darling?

Thank you.

Well... Well...

Here's to old friends.

And to new ones.

And to Elaine.

Good martini.

Not bad.

But you know where they make the best martinis in the world?

This little bar in Hong Kong called Cecil's.

Have you ever been there?

No. We don't really travel very much.

Oh, we do.

Well, you know, as a matter of fact, uh, we don't really need to go places.

I mean, we have our entire world right here in New York City.

I mean, we have each other.

Well, we don't travel as much as we used to.

A cab driver and a college professor.

How did you two meet?

How did we meet?

Well, uh... Yes, well, you know, actually, it's a very interesting story.

Well, actually, I was browsing in the Metropolitan Museum of Art one day and, uh, I came upon the most exquisite work of art I've ever seen in my life.

I mean, I couldn't take my eyes off her.

I just stood there, stunned.

By the time I was able to speak, well, it was too late.

She vanished.

So, I went home and tried to forget her but I just couldn't get her out of my mind.

So I found myself, the next Saturday afternoon, right back there at the museum.

I started spending all of my spare time in museums all over the city, just on the one chance in a million that I would get to see her again.

How long did this go on?


How long did this go on?

Oh, two, three years.

Three years?

Yeah. Time had lost all meaning.

And then, one day...

I remember, it was a Thursday...

I'd spent the entire day at the museum and I decided, oh, well, that's it.

It had been a dream.

I imagined the whole thing.

So I went out to the street and I remember it was raining.

I hailed a cab.

And guess who was driving that cab.


That's incredible.

So I finally got the opportunity to say what I'd been waiting to say for three years...

That I couldn't live without her.

That's lovely.

Oh, that's lovely.

So, uh, where did you two meet?

We were sunbathing on a beach in the Mediterranean.


I don't think it was Cannes, dear.

Where was it?

It was Nice. I've never been to Cannes.

Well, dear, it doesn't really matter.

It was a beach, right?

Yes, dear, it was a beach, but...

ALEX: When Elaine and I met, I'd become the perfectly happy man and she's the most wonderful person I've ever met in my life.

And, every day, she makes me more certain of that fact.

Would you like to order now?


I'd like one of him.


Yes, darling?

Do you think you could let go of my hand, so I could cut my meat?


Well, I guess you have to eat.

I'll give it right back.



( Chuckling )

We know we're silly, but I don't know... whenever we get together, you know, we just have this strange habit of forgetting everybody else in the room.

Uh, so, how do you get along with Elaine's children, Bill?

Oh, I love her children. I love them.

And Elaine is a wonderful mother.

Surprise, surprise.

You know, as a matter of fact, one of my favorite children's stories is about Elaine's son, Jason.

Do you mind, darling?

No. Not at all.


Um, Elaine had told Jason that God answers all your prayers.

So, one night, before he went to bed, Jason prayed to God and asked for a train set.

Well, the next day, he came to Elaine and he said he'd prayed for a train set and didn't get one.

And Elaine was very worried.

And she said, "I'm sorry, Jason, that God didn't answer your prayers."

And Jason said, "Oh, but he did answer my prayers, Mommy.

He just said no."

That was two or three years ago.

I know, darling.

I didn't remember that story.

How did you remember it?

I remember everything.

( Slow dance music playing )

Oh, listen.

They're playing our song.

May I have this dance?

Of course.

Would you excuse us?

Excuse us, please.

Would you care to dance?

Why don't we wait until they play our song?

What is our song, dear?

We don't have one.

Boy, we did it. We did it.

We were wonderful, Elaine, wonderful.

They bought it hook, line, and sinker.

You know, I was a little worried at first that our act wasn't convincing, but boy, I'm telling you, you were something else.

Okay, Alex. Huh?

Come on. What do you mean, come on? What?

Come on, you can admit that it was a little more than an act.

What are you talking about?

I don't know what you're talking about.

What are you talking about?

You're not that good an actor.


Alex, it's okay.

You can confess that you were a little moved.

( Anxious laughter )

( laughs )

Elaine, I hate to disillusion you, but all that drivel I did was for your sake, and your sake only.

Drivel?! Oh, Alex, be honest!

What? Come on!

I saw that look on your face.

I know that that look means... you were excited.


Get out... You're crazy!

You were.

I was not!

Alex, you were.

Come on. How can you stand there and pretend that you didn't feel anything?

How can you lie like that?

Elaine, what are you talking about?

You were crazy about me.

I'm the most exquisite work of art you've ever seen in your life!

Oh, that! No, I'd say that to anybody!

Oh, Alex, come on.

I've been out with enough men to know that no man can get me... excited like that if he's just acting.

When we were kissing, you weren't turned on?

I was playing a part.

Oh, here, I'll show you.

Here, I'll do it again.

See? Nothing.



( In squeaky voice: ) Nothing.

Oh, really?

( In squeaky voice: ) Nothing.

Well... I guess I was wrong.

Good night, Alex.

( In squeaky voice: ) See you.

Good night.

( In squeaky voice: ) Well, I better go now.

It was nothing.


( Theme music playing )

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )