Taxi S3E12 Script

Out of Commission (1981)

( Theme music playing )

Set him down here, guys.

Alex, what happened?

Well, he came out and hit you with a left and...

Then what?

Describe the whole fight to me.

I just did.

Well, I guess my memory's okay then.

Hey, hold up, guys.

Hey, uh, Tony, am I supposed to tip them or something?

I usually don't unless they've been especially nice.

Thank you, guys.

Hey, Tony, you all right?

Yeah. Hey, Lou, I'm sorry I let you down.

Nah, you did fine.

I had you ahead on points.

The doctor's coming.

Oh, great.


Hey, Shotgun. Hey, man, I'm sorry I couldn't give you a better fight tonight.

Hey, that's okay. That's okay.

Hey, and I know you trained pretty hard for this fight, but, don't worry, someday, it's gonna come in handy.

Right. Look, uh... yeah, you take care of yourself, right?

Geez, that's class, huh?

Guy comes in to check on me. Big guy.

Man, I told you this was the wrong locker room.

All right, Tony, here's your money.

All right, Lou.

Yeah, you get, uh, 350 for the fight.


Minus, uh... my manager's fee, trainer's fee, towel and locker fee, attendant's fee, bandages and tape.

All you get for the fight tonight is $20?

Who else you know rakes in five dollars a second?

Hello, Tony.

Hey, Dr. Webster, how you doing?

Doc, take a look at him, will ya?

I'll be back later. I'm gonna watch the next fight.

Okay, Tony, sit up here, so I can take a look at you.

All right, Doc.

( Groans )


Not bad. Uh-huh.

Here... here, follow this light with your eyes.


Tony, what's your record?

I'm about, uh, eight and 24.

How many have you lost by knockout?

Well, it depends what you mean by knockout.

I mean, uh, sometimes I'm just taking a rest, and the ref is counting real fast... Come on, Tony.

14 times.

How about recently?


Three times in the last five fights, Tony?


Hey, Dr. Webster, what's wrong with him?

He leads with his right.

No, I mean his body.

What's wrong with his body?

Well, for one thing, I didn't care for his reaction to the examination I gave him in the ring, after the knockout.

All you did was ask me my name.

Yeah, but you gave me the wrong answer.

But once you told me what it was, I recognized it.

Doc, is he going to be okay or not?

Well, nothing here requires immediate medical attention.

Oh, great.

Thank you.

Tony... Tony, listen, uh... has any doctor ever advised you to, uh... quit boxing?

Yeah, I suppose.

You suppose?

A lot of guys yelled at me to get out of the ring.

Some of them might have been doctors.

Dr. Webster, come on.

There's something on your mind.

Why don't you tell us?

Well, Tony's record worries me.

Hey, look, so I ain't no Rocky Marciano.

Listen, Tony, let me tell you a story.

I mean, there was a fighter here last year...

A middleweight like you, you know.

He lost a lot of fights.

He got knocked out a lot, you know?

I mean, he kept on fighting, even though he kept getting beat every time he walked into the ring.

I'm sorry to say... he doesn't fight anymore.

Me too.

I'd like a shot at him.

Tony, he doesn't fight anymore because he can't fight.

He also can't drive, or he can't hold a job.

That's because of the damage that he suffered in the ring.

He never should have been allowed to fight.

Now, Tony, I don't know if you've suffered any damage yet, but I can't take the risk of having the same thing happen to you.

Hey, wait a second.

What are we talking about here, Doc?


I think you should quit fighting.

You come in here, you look at me for ten seconds and you want to end my career.

Tony, you get some damage every time you suffer a knockout.

Big deal. Fighters get knocked out.

Hey, let me tell you something:

I've been knocked out a million times...

I been knocked out more times than I can remember.

Tony, you're not helping your case.

Tony, I'm taking your case to the medical board and see what they have to say about it.

Well, I don't care, 'cause I ain't quitting boxing.

Listen, Ma, I'm serious about this.

At a certain age, you don't care about birthdays anymore.

Please, no cake, no presents, no dinner, no nothing.

All right, all right, if you insist.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, crazy lady ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

( Growling )

Hey, I may get you...

Would you say that I look frumpy today?

Well... Uh... uh...

ELAINE: No, no, no, I'm trying to look frumpy.

Oh, well, you've done it.

Quite frumpy.

Yeah, well, I just got so sick of guys hitting on me while I'm driving, so I figured if I dressed like this, they'd stop doing it.

Did it work?

No. I just get hit on by a crummier class of creeps.

Hey, foxy lady.

I see exactly what you mean.

( Phone ringing )

I got it.

I'm coming.

Hello there.

Have a nice day.

This is Jim Ignatowski of the Sunshine Cab Company, where courtesy is our motto and service is our business.

Oh, we're open 24 hours a day with radio-dispatched cars.

Ask for our excursion fares and always exit on the curb side.

Thank you very much.

Hey, Jim, do you have any idea who that was?

No, but he sure was a good listener.

( Phone ringing )

( Gasping )

Somebody else want to get that?

I'm pooped.

Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it.

I got it. I got it. I got it. Got it.


Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Tony! Tony, it's for you.

It's a Dr. Webster from the boxing commission.


All right.

Yeah. Hey, how you doing, Dr. Webster?

What's that?

I don't understand.

Aw, come on, Dr. Webster, this ain't fair.

They can't do that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for my own good.


I can't believe it.

Tony, what is it?

They just took away my boxing license.

Oh, no! That's terrible!

Can they do that?

They can do it and they just did it.

They said they don't like the looks of my record.

They're worried about me, 'cause I get knocked out too much.

Is there somebody you can appeal to?

Nobody. What am I going to do?

I mean boxing's my whole life.


Tony, I got to tell you something.

Um... maybe it's the wrong time, and everything, but I'm glad you're getting out of that awful sport.

I hated it when I had to go see you fight.

You did?

Yeah, I did.

I mean, I can tell what a great sport it is.

You know, uh, standing up there in front of a bunch of bums and creeps and drunks, getting your head bashed in.

Oh, the glamour's part of it.

Tony... Tony, I wouldn't say this if I didn't know our friendship could take it.

Tony, you're not that good a boxer.

I know that, Bobby.

Well, why do you care then?

Because that doesn't matter to me.

You see, maybe when I first started, you know, I had dreams of getting a title... but I gave up on that a long time ago.

I ain't no great fighter.

I can't even say I had one great fight, not even one great round... But there have been moments.

You see, not a day goes by, I don't think about this fight in Jersey.

During the second round, I threw a three-punch combination...

Left, right, left hook.

It was perfect.

I heard the crowd gasp.

For that one second, Tony Banta was as great as Muhammad Ali, Sugar Ray or any of them.

I always thought that, maybe, I'd put a few of those moments together someday, and have that great fight.

I mean, when I look back on it, I feel kind of special.

Without it, I'm just a cab driver...

Just a lousy cab driver.

Uh, uh, uh, Tony, uh...

Oh, hey, no offense.

ALEX: That's all right, Tony.

I'm not really a cab driver.

I'm just waiting for something better to come along... you know, like death.

Well, if you guys don't mind, I'm going to tie one on.

I'll go too.

I love Chinese restaurants.

LOUIE: What are you hanging around here for?

Don't you have lives?

Louie, they took away my boxing license.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Tony, no.

That's not fair.

Oh, no.

Hey, Louie, I didn't think you'd take it so hard.

Are you kidding?

I made a fortune betting against you.

You know, that is so typical of you to think only of yourself at a time like this.

Well, for your information, Nardo, I happen to need money right now.

I'm saving up for an operation for my ma.

Oh, Louie, I'm sorry.

I... what's wrong?

It's female problems.

She's starting not to look like one.

Hi, Bob.

Hey, Bobby. Hey, uh... how's Tony lately?

I don't know.

I haven't seen much of him.

I guess he wants to work this one out by himself, you know?

Maybe I'm insensitive, but I don't see what the problem is, you know.

I can't imagine missing that sport.

Elaine, boxing is Tony's life.

I mean, it would be like me if I had to give up acting.

But when you act, no one gets brutalized.

Only the playwright and anyone trapped in the theater.

How long have you been waiting for this one, Louie?


LOU-LOU: Hello, Alex.

ALEX: Hey, Lou-Lou.

Hey, everybody, this is Lou-Lou Pantuso.

He's the guy that bought Tony's contract.

How you doin', Lou. Hi.

Must have got it in a fire sale.

That and the suit he's wearing.

Does he work in there, or is he just on display?

Ignore him. Ignore him.

What's up, Lou-Lou? What's up?

Well, I got to talk to you guys.

What's the problem?

Somebody's got to talk to Tony.

I wasn't going to say anything.

I promised Tony I wouldn't, but I just don't feel right about what's going on.

He's got this idea that he's gonna fight under another name.


Yeah, there's this fighter in Jersey who retired, and we bought up his license, and, uh, Tony's gonna fight under his name from now on.

Oh, no... I can't believe this!

Hold it, can he get away with this?

Unfortunately, yes.

And the crazy thing is he's gonna fight under the name "Kid Rodriguez."

Kid Rodriguez?!

Well, that explains his attitude.

That explains why we haven't seen him lately.

That explains his buenos dias yesterday.

Hey, I tried to talk him out of it but he won't listen to me.

So, if he's gonna do it, it's better if I'm with him.

Well, listen, Lou-Lou, I'm glad you came to us first, so we have a chance to talk him out of it before he actually gets a fight.

You got an hour and a half.

He's fighting tonight?!

Yeah, at Brooklyn Armory, third bout.

Look, he's waiting for me. I'm gonna go, all right?

We'll see you there!

All right, so what do we do?

Somebody's got to talk to him.

But what do we say?

We got to tell him that, that boxing, it destroys your brain, it damages your nervous system and it leaves you a stumbling, disoriented, pathetic wreck.

And if that's what he wants, there are easier ways of getting there.

Let's go. Come on.

Come on, let's get out of here.

LOUIE: What's going on here?

ELAINE: Tony's fighting again.


My sure thing is back?

The born-again loser?

Hello, Ma?

Great news.

You can have that operation you wanted.

That's right.

You've been called "sir" for the last time.

I want you to hit, and don't get hit.

I want you to keep moving and stick it to him.

Hey! Aren't you guys ready yet?

Give us a few more minutes, will ya?

Okay, there, you're all taped.

Aw, geez, look at that.

I got to do it all over ag...

Lou-Lou, you already did it six times.

Now, come on, cut the tape.

Oh, Tony, I can't let anybody see that.

I'll be embarrassed to death!

Cut it, Lou-Lou.

Oh, finally.

We got stuck in traffic. Yeah.

Hi, Tony.

What are you guys doing here?

Uh, Lou-Lou, can we have a couple of moments alone with Tony, please?

Yeah. I got a million important details to take care of.

Lou-Lou squealed, huh?

Yes, he did.

He says you're fighting under the name of Kid Rodriguez?

Pretty good name, eh? Kid Rodriguez.


You're not gonna fight tonight, Tony.

Oh, yes, I am.

No, you're not, 'cause we're going to stop you.

Tony, we decided, we're not leaving this room until we talk you out of this.

That's right, Tony.

This sport is a savage blood battle that no right-thinking person can condone.

It appeals to the worst instincts in men and reduces the dignity of the entire human race.

And, besides, the bull doesn't stand a chance.

Jim, I ain't bullfighting.

All right, Tony.

I'm proud of you.

Let's go, guys.

Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim...

Let me handle this. I can handle this.

Tony, you're not fighting tonight.

Oh, yes, I am, Bob.

No, you're not fighting tonight, and I'm gonna tell you why you're not fighting tonight.

Because you can't fight if you don't have any trunks to wear.

Anybody see a pair of blue trunks?

I'll pay you $1,000 if you don't hurt my face.

Give me five.

All right!

I mean dollars.


I just got real lucky, didn't I?

Yes. Real lucky.

Come on, guys. I can't stall anymore.

Promoter says I got to get my fighter in the ring now, or I have to get in there myself.

Okay, look, uh, could you guys give me a moment alone with Tony, please?

Oh, yeah, that's a good i... that's a good idea.

Hey, uh, Jim, come on, I'll buy you some popcorn.

Come on. Okey-doke.

Uh, by the way, Tony, I don't want to criticize the way you dress but if you put on your shoes last, it won't be so hard pulling your pants on over them.

Jim? Popcorn, popcorn.

Tony, listen to what Alex has to say.

Fighting makes you punchy after awhile.

How many fights has he been in?

Just the one with reality.

Hey, Alex, there's nothing you can say, Alex.

I been over this a lot in my mind.

I been over every argument, so forget it, Alex.

There's nothing you could say.

Tony, I don't want to have a big struggle about this.

Now, I want you to think about your health.

I'm talking about your physical health.

Boxers who take too many blows to the head...

Guys that are punchy start acting weird.

You don't see me acting weird, do you, Alex?


Me llamo Kid Rodriguez.

Kid Rodriguez, me llamo.


Tony, I'm very serious about this!

Hey, look... You're not gonna fight tonight!

I'm gonna stop you if I have to use physical force!

Hey, esta loco.

Tony! Tony, no, I'm serious!

Now, look, the only way you're going to get through this door is through me.

Tony, it's time.

Adios, Alex.

Wait, Tony.


ALEX: Tony, wait!

Tony, wait a minute. Tony, Tony, wait, wait...


Wait, wait, just a second.

Tony, you're making a big mistake.

Alex, can't this wait? I'm a little busy right now.

No, no, no, Tony, you're making a big mistake.

Alex, Alex, I want you to have a good seat for Tony's fight, but this is ridiculous.

I mean, it's too late for this argument, Alex.

No, it's not, Lou-Lou!

( Bell dinging )

Ladies and gentlemen, the next event on tonight's card will be a ten-round, middleweight contest between these two scrappy, Latino contenders.

Presenting, in this corner on my left, weighing in at 159 pounds, wearing black trunks, sporting a record of 14 and six, from Los Angeles, California: Alberto "El Gato" Martinez.

( Cheering and booing )

Just listen to me for one second.

Alex, it's not polite to talk during the introductions.

( Bell dinging )

Weighing in at 162 pounds...

You lost weight.

Wearing blue trunks with the gold stripes, with a record of 23 and eight...

You think I'm quitting with a record like that?

Originally from Puerto Rico, known as "The Pride of San Juan": Kid Rodriguez.

( Cheering )

Tony, there are a lot of other people to think of, you know, in this thing!

Alex, I gotta get my instructions!

REFEREE: Gentlemen...

Tony, you're... you're forgetting your friends.

You know, people who love you who don't want you to fight.

Alex, if they loved me so much, they'd understand how much fighting means to me!

Do you mind if I go on?

In the event of a knockdown...

No, you don't have to finish, because he's not fighting tonight.

I am too! No, you're not.

Yes, I am! No, you're not!

Well, if you do decide to fight, I want a nice clean fight.

I want you to watch your head-butts.

No punches below the belt.

I want the kidney punches, all right?

And, in case of a knockdown, the man scoring the knockdown goes to the farthest corner and stays there until I tell him to come out.

All right, shake hands and good luck to both of you.

Demos buena pelea.

Buena suerte para ti.

Hey, gracias. La cucaracha, man.

Tony, will you just listen to me for one second?

Just listen to me for one second, okay?

Alex, I know the risks, and I want to take them.

It's my business here.

Tony, I just... I, I have one question to ask you...

Just one question, then I'll shut up.

All right? All right, Alex, what?

Okay... How would you feel if you hurt a fighter tonight? Huh?

I mean, if you really seriously hurt that fighter?

I'd feel terrible, Alex, of course I would, but that ain't gonna happen because I ain't that good a boxer, remember?

I mean, if anybody's gonna get hurt, it's gonna be me.

You... right, you.

How do you think he's gonna feel if you get seriously hurt, huh?

It's gonna be on his conscience for the rest of his life.

Every time you go into the ring, you have two lives that you put on the line.

I need time to think about this one.

( Bell dings )

You don't have time.

Damn it, Alex, who invited you, anyway?

Hey, Lou-Lou, I'm throwing it in.

LOU-LOU: Okay.

Nah. Hey, Hoss, I decided not to fight.

Let me say it to you in Spanish... el stopo.

I'm not fighting.

I'm gonna quit. I want to give it up.

I don't want to do it anymore.

Stop. I said stop. El stopo.

Here's the ref.

Maybe you could talk to him...

Hey, man, I told you I'm not fighting no more.

Some guys.

ALEX: All right, Tony.

If you leave the ring, you lose by default!

The winner!

Well, now that you've given up boxing, I just wanted to say that, uh... we're behind you whatever you want to do.

I know that, Alex. Thanks.


Hey, Al, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to get together all the money I made in boxing all these years, buy myself a new suit.

Good idea, Tony.

( Sighs )

( Theme music playing )

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )