Taxi S3E15 Script

Bobby's Roommate (1981)

( Theme music playing )


Uh, what's the problem?

I can't find an apartment.

I thought you had an apartment.

No, I lost it.

That happens to me all the time.

Sometimes, I can't find mine for days.

Jim, I told you all about this yesterday.

Jim, remember?

They're turning Elaine's apartment house into a co-op.

She can't afford to buy the apartment so she has to look for a new one.

Oh, now I remember.

You did tell me this yesterday.

Hey, good going, Jim.

Did you look over in Brooklyn?

That's usually where mine turns up.

Jim, your apartment is in Brooklyn.

Again?

Hey, come on, Elaine, worst comes to worst, you sleep on my couch for a couple of nights.

Oh, uh, thanks, Alex, but, uh, I've slept on your couch, and it's not that comfortable.

When did you ever sleep on my couch?

The night you showed slides from your ski trip.

Oh, that is an uncomfortable couch.

Well, you could sleep on my couch, Elaine.

Listen, thank you both for your offers, but I don't want to impose on either one of you.

Really, I refuse to stay with you guys.

Hey, Elaine, you got a boyfriend?

I mean, you and Steve are still seeing each other, right?

Oh, yeah. We're doing great.

Then why don't you sleep on his couch.

No, no, Tony.

It's a little too early in the relationship. You know?

I don't want to scare him off.

You look that bad in the morning, huh?

Hey, guys, I got it! I got the job!

All right. What?!

Yeah, I can't believe it!

A whole month on tour.

Oh, that's great. Oh, congratulations.

Oh, thanks, Elaine.

You know, this is what acting is all about...

Touring to the people...

People who ordinarily wouldn't be enriched by the catharsis of the classical theater experience.

What play are you doing?

Under the Yum Yum Tree.

I thought that was Desire Under The Yum Yum Tree.

That's another good one, Ton.

Oh, Bobby, does this mean I can have your apartment?!

Yeah. I told you if I got the part, you got the apartment.

Oh, great! A place to stay.

So, Bobby, what are you gonna do to celebrate?

Rub Louie's nose in it.

Uh, hey, Louie, I hate to ruin your day like this, but I just got a real good acting job.

Bobby!

Really?

That's wonderful, that's wonderful!

Hey, I got to announce this.

Wait till everybody hears.

No, Louie, that's not necessary, really.

Are you kidding?

I insist on telling everybody how wrong I was about you.

All right, attention here.

Attention, cabbies.

All right, you all know that Bobby Wheeler has taken a lot of heat from me in the past about his acting career.

I just found out that our Bob has landed the lead in a major New York Broadway production.

Louie, Louie, it's not a Broadway play.

It's a tour.

I'm doing a tour.

Oh.

Correction.

Bob tells me it is a starring role in one of the biggest cross-country tours in the history of the American Theater.

( Cheering )

Louie, it's not a cross-country tour.

It's a small tour.

I'm going to three places, you know?

Oh.

Correction once again.

Bobby's got a teensy part with a sleazy company in three trailer parks.

I'm going to kill him, I'm going to kill him!

I don't know, Elaine.

Bobby's been gone about a week, and you've got his apartment looking the best it's ever looked.

Oh, thanks.

It's this old interior decorator trick I learned, called cleaning.

Oh.

Tony.

Stains.

Elaine, the apartment looks great, fantastic.

Oh, I don't know, I guess I did do a little puttering, huh?

Do you think Bobby will mind?

Why don't you ask him?

Hey, Bobby, am I glad to see you.

Hey, how you doing, man?

Eh, it hasn't been the same without you.

Don't seem like you been gone a month.

I've been gone a week.

That feels right.

Hey, well, it doesn't matter that you've only been gone a week.

The point is, you're back.

No, the point is, it's only been a week.

Oh, uh, you know, I got tired of Florida, you know?

( Sniffing )

You smell something funny?

No.

Neither do I.

Is this my apartment?

Hey, I want a glass of wine, too.

Bobby, if you don't want to talk about the Florida thing...

Hey, what's to talk about?

I left for a month and came back three weeks early, that's all.

Quit the tour, huh?

Yeah, I quit.

Got fired.

We're talking semantics here.

It's all a matter of who says good-bye first, right?

Oh, Bobby.

ALEX: Why? What happened?

The whole thing is so unprofessional.

Everybody knows when you go out on these long tours, you know, men and women, close quarters sometimes for months, affairs... they're inevitable.

I had one with the costume girl.

When?

On the bus ride down to Florida.

You got fired for not waiting till you got there?

I got fired because it turns out that she was the director's daughter.

Oh. Oh.

I'm surprised you lasted a week in Florida.

I lasted a day in Florida...

I spent three days on the bus ride back.

Meet anyone on that trip?

No, that's all right.

Will you, please?

Oh, what the heck.

It happened, it's over, and I'm home.

And I'm, uh, kind of tired, guys, so, if you don't mind, you know?

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. We were shoving off anyway.

Come on. Come on, guys, let's go.

Um, well, Bobby, uh, there may be a little problem here.

You see, I haven't found an apartment yet, and now that you're back early...

So, we'll just stay here together for a while, that's all.

Hey, you can have the bedroom, and I'll sleep on the sofa.

Oh, well, okay.

I mean, I don't see why I shouldn't.

ALEX: You don't?

ELAINE: No. Do you?

Me? No, I don't.

You, Tony?

Hell, yes.

I do, too.

Hey, wait a minute.

If you guys are thinking what I think you're thinking, you're way off base.

Elaine is a friend of mine.

She needs a place to stay.

She'll stay here and everything will be fine.

Oh, yeah, sure it will.

Of course it will.

So let's not hear anymore about it.

Alex, there's something on your mind.

On my mind?

No, there's nothing on my mind.

Anything on your mind, Tony?

Hell, yes. Mine, too.

Now, listen, guys, I'm starting to resent this a little.

Huh? Oh, yeah, you're right.

I'm sorry.

( Chuckles ): Come on, we're acting crazy.

You're right.

I mean, it's just late at night, and we're all tired and this is so sudden, you know?

Look, Elaine, why don't you just turn in.

Bobby, you unpack.

Tony, you call the vice squad.

I'm standing watch...

No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

It's just a joke. ( laughs )

Come on, Tony.

Hey, Bobby. Yeah?

You try anything on her, and I'll kill you.

Tony, come on.

This is Elaine we're talking about, remember?

Oh, yeah, right.

Elaine, you try anything on him, and I'll kill you.

ALEX: Let's go.

Good night, you two.

Good night!

Good night.

My gosh.

Could you give me a hand here?

Yeah, there's that extra cover.

Oh, man, am I beat.

TONY: You know, this is Bobby, and you know what Bobby's like.

ALEX: Yeah, I know what he's like, but what are we gonna do about it?

I mean, we got to trust him, right?

Trust him? I know a girl on a bus who trusted him.

Look what happened.

Eh... you're right.

The man's a hound.

Yeah, anywhere, anytime, anything with a pulse.

You think they heard us?

No, I don't think so.

Do you?

Hell, yes. Me, too.

I thought she had an apartment.

Jim, they're turning her apartment into a co-op.

Remember?

Oh, yeah.

So while she looks around, she's staying with Bobby.

Well, that's real nice of Bobby to put her up like that.

Yeah, sure. Real nice.

I don't trust him for one minute.

Call me old-fashioned, but this setup bothers me.

Well, times are changing too fast for me too.

Orgies where anything goes.

People wandering around naked in public places.

Sex that means no more than a handshake on the street.

I don't know.

Call me corny, but I miss those things.

You know, this setup still bothers me.

Tony, will you come off it?

Now look, there's nothing going on between Elaine and Bobby.

Besides, she's stuck on that guy Steve, right?

And even if she weren't, Bobby's your best friend.

That's got to count for something, right?

Hey, guys.

ALEX: Hey, Bob!

You're right, Alex.

Hey, Bobby, I got to talk to you.

Yeah, okay.

You know, this thing with you and Elaine has really been bothering me, but if you tell me right now, as my best friend, that there's nothing going on, then that's good enough for me.

Hey, Tony, there's nothing going on.

How dumb do you think he is, Wheeler?

I'll show you how dumb I am, Louie.

I believe you, Bobby.

Nardo.

You and Wheeler better be careful.

You'll be hearing the pitter-patter of little hams in the house.

How's it going, Elaine?

Ah, terrific.

Yeah?

Yeah, it's been a good week.

Yeah, it's been you know, real nice.

I came home late from the gallery last night, you know, and Bobby was up reading, so we had a glass of wine together and talked real easily about some things I don't think I could've talked about with any other man.

Oh, really?

Like what?

Bobby's career, Bobby's dreams...

Bobby.

How did you ever drag all that out of him?

I think I said, "How are you?"

( Telephone rings ) Gotcha.

Hello?

Elaine, it's for you.

Steve?

Oh, I'll take it.

She's going to talk to you.

Thanks a lot.

Hi, Steve.

You know, in my country, what Elaine and Bobby are doing...

It would be fine.

In my country, it is tradition for a man and woman to live together before they are married.

And to make love in every possible way so then they can see if they want to get married after that.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, that's a sensible tradition.

Thank you.

Now only if we can get the women to buy it.

Elaine... you okay?

Uh, yeah, I think so.

What happened?

Well, uh, Steve called and said, can we get together for dinner so he could tell me something important.

And, uh, like an idiot, I said, "What?"

He said he didn't want to talk about it over the phone, but I kept pressing, so, uh, he told me that, uh, maybe it's better if we don't see each other for a while.

Aw...

Something about more time and more distance.

Hey, I'll tell you what let's do.

I'll get the guys together, and we'll go for some beers, to some nice place, and we'll talk about it, okay?

Thanks, Alex, but I think I'm gonna go home for awhile.

Elaine, I don't think you ought to be alone at a time like this.

I mean, not in the mood that you're in.

Oh, well, I-I won't exactly be alone.

I mean, Bobby will be there.

Oh, yeah, right. Bobby.

Bobby?

Did you...?

Yeah, and, you know, he can be real sweet and understanding at a time like this.

Bobby?

Hey, Alex, see you.

Yeah, see you, Bob.

Hey, Bob, wait.

Where you going? Home.

Home? Why home?

That's where I live.

Oh, yeah, uh, Bob, come here.

Uh... um, um... maybe I shouldn't get involved in your life like this, I mean, I'm the kind of man that doesn't like to get involved in his own life, but, uh...

Steve just called Elaine.

He broke it off with her.

Oh, no. Yeah.

Oh, poor Elaine.

Yeah, she's feeling very bad.

Look, she just said she wanted to go home and be by herself.

Well, if you're going to go home, that means you're both going to be home...

Alone... together... for awhile.

So what?

No, no, Bob, Bob, look, I mean, she's feeling kind of depressed.

You know, she's very vulnerable.

And, uh, there's no telling what she might do in a mood like that.

You think she might come on to me?

Well... Hey, Alex, really, thanks for the warning, and I'll be on my lookout, okay?

Did you hear that?

Of course I heard it.

I was the one he was talking to. Oh.

Elaine's heart is broken.

Yeah.

This is terrible. Yeah.

I'm afraid she's going to try to forget her problems by losing herself in a night of shameful lust and passion with the first man to come and cross her path.

You're afraid that's gonna be Bobby, right?

Well, if not, could you please give her my phone number?

Bobby?

Uh-oh.

Elaine, is that you?

Yeah.

I can't sleep.

Is there any more wine?

Wine? Oh, yeah.

There's some more wine.

Did I wake you?

Oh, no, I was wide awake.

My head's clear as a bell.

I'm not about to do or say anything foolish.

It's cold in here, huh?

You know, Elaine, you might want to put a robe or two over your negligee.

You know, Bobby, this Steve thing has hit me pretty hard.

Do you think we could talk about it?

Oh, yeah.

Sure, okay.

Hey, the guy's a jerk.

You're better off without him.

How's that?

Oh, look, Elaine, I'm sorry.

Listen, the way this guy handled this thing just proves he's not the kind of guy who deserves you.

Oh, Bobby.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Oh, God.

Why aren't more guys like you?

You know, I have this great bottle of wine in my suitcase that I've been saving for a special occasion.

I'm going to go get it.

Oh, Bobby, I'm so glad you're here.

Hello, Alex, it's Bobby.

She's all over me.

Who were you calling this late?

Dad. Good old Dad.

I thought your father passed away.

Well, maybe that will make up for the times I didn't call when he was alive?

What's wrong with you?

Listen, Elaine.

I really don't think we should do this.

We shouldn't do what?

What are you talking about?

Come on, Elaine, you know where this is going, huh?

The wine, the soft lights... that flimsy flannel thing.

Where this...?

Oh, my God.

Bobby, are...?

Oh, this is ridiculous!

Oh, my gosh.

Hey, trust me on this, baby.

You know, I've been around.

I'm a sophisticated guy.

I've had a lot of experience.

And a moment ago, you and I were on the road to naughty-naughty.

"The road to naughty-naughty"?

Come on, Elaine.

I'm trying to be delicate about this thing.

You want me to come right out and say it?

O-Okay. I'll come right out and say it...

You and I were that far away from doing foo-foo.

You're making me yearn for four-letter words.

Bobby!

You are absolutely and totally wrong.

I mean, you are so wrong, it's ludicrous.

Elaine, I'm just trying to do the right thing here.

You know what I mean?

You know, I don't believe this.

You and I have the greatest relationship going on in the last two weeks, and I come to you for a little friendship and a little sympathy, and I get this.

Okay!

Okay, maybe I was wrong.

Yes, you were.

I guess I was jumping to conclusions here.

Oh, absolutely.

Elaine, I'm really sorry.

I really feel like a jerk.

Well, you are one.

But it's okay.

Hey, um, can we just kind of forget this ever happened?

Huh?

All right, all right.

I don't see why not.

Let's get this wine open.

Yeah, here.


Hi, guys. How you doing?

I was hoping you'd be home.

It's 3:00 in the morning, Alex.

What are you doing here?

I was just out taking a walk.

Barefoot?

Yeah. I, uh...

I like the feeling of snow in my toes.

Hey, Bob, you don't happen to have anything for frostbite in your medicine chest, do you?

I'll get you some socks.

Thanks.

Okay, Alex, you have one chance to explain this to me.

Huh?

No, Elaine, I was, uh, I just had trouble sleeping so I thought I'd take a little walk.

And you guys are only 26 blocks away, so...

I lost my slippers in a snowbank, see?

Here you go.

Bobby? Oh, thanks.

That telephone call a few minutes ago, that was to Sergeant Preston of the Yukon, right?

Elaine, Elaine, we were very worried about you.

I mean, you're in a very vulnerable frame of mind.

That's right, Elaine.

So you thought you'd save me from myself, is that it?

Well, Bobby, you've succeeded in making fools out of all three of us.

You know something?

I really resent the implication that I'd lose control of myself just because I'm an emotional female at a weak moment, and you're a guy.

A great-looking guy.

Women always lose control... Is that it?

But men are always on top of things.

Well, Bobby, I hate you for this tonight.

And, Alex, I really resent you!

I might have expected this kind of attitude from Bobby, but I thought you had a little more class.

Yeah, Alex.

What?

What is it, Alex, a rule with you?

You only get involved in other people's lives if you can make a complete ass of yourself?

Well, I wouldn't call it a rule.

It's just the way it happens to turn out.

Look, I wouldn't be here in the first place if you hadn't made that stupid phone call.

Hey, hold it. You're the one that told me she was gonna be coming on to me tonight like a Mack truck!

I never said anything like a truck.

You said something...

Look, I thought that you'd only get upset if something was really happening.

Something was really happening.

Like what?

She was walking around here in loose clothes, sipping wine and talking about love.

Bobby, the pope does that.

( Sighs )

Oh... Listen, I, uh...

I think I'd better go.

Sorry about your door.

Alex, you can't go out like that again.

You might as well just stay here.

Okay.

Elaine, would it be any better if Alex promised not to be this stupid again?

Come on, will you?

Look, Elaine, the only reason that we were this stupid is because we really care about you.

Well, then you two must care a lot.

Well, I guess it has been kind of a rough week for all of us, you know?

Yeah, you can say that.

I mean, I lost a boyfriend.

I lost my job in Florida.

I lost the feeling in eight of my toes.

( Theme music playing )


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )