Taxi S3E16 Script

Louie Bumps into an Old Lady (1981)

( Theme music playing )




I'm sorry, Mr. De Palma.

I didn't do very well.

No, no. I just can't seem to get the hang of this.

Well, don't worry.

You're just learning.

What you need, Janine...

is, um... for someone with some experience to take you out for a little on-the-job training.

Louie's still coming on to the new cab driver, huh?

Yeah. I don't know how any woman can resist him, you know?

Now, I got an idea.

How about if I take you out and show you the ropes?

Oh, Mr. De Palma, you don't have to do that.

Now, Janine, I'd just feel terrible if you didn't work out here as a cabby and you left the Sunshine Cab Company without my trying to... Score.


Look, Janine, don't... don't listen to them.

That's just a little of their crude garage humor.

( Chuckling )

Yeah? Jeff?

Give me the keys to Cab 881.


Come on, my little rookie.

Hey, Louie, you ain't no driver.

Banta, I was driving cabs when you were in the third grade...

Your first year in third grade.

Hey, shouldn't we do something about this?

No. Don't worry about it.

I taught her yesterday how to handle him.

What did you tell her?

I told her, "If he gives you any trouble just rap him on the snout with a rolled-up newspaper."

Hey, that's a good idea.

You know what bugs me about Louie is his attitude.

The way he treats women I know. like objects, pieces of meat.

I mean, doesn't he know that thinking went out two to three months ago?

Louie never taught me how to drive.

In fact, every time I'd ask him a question, he tells me, "get lost."

That's because you don't have a great pair of legs.

Yeah, but Louie don't know that.

You know... ( clears throat )

I have a tip that I think might be helpful to young cab drivers.

Have you ever noticed... that when you put the pencil behind your ear it tends to slither out when you go around sharp curves?

Yeah. It happens to me all the time, Jim.

It's very annoying.

What's your tip, Jim?


Oh, help! Help! It was awful!

I knew it, I knew it.

All right, what did he do?

Quick, get some water!

This lady's not feeling well.

All right, you're going to be fine.

Is she all right?

We'll take care of you. Don't worry.

Jeff! Yeah?

Call a doctor. It's all right.

Please, don't make a fuss.

Hey, Louie, what happened, Lou?

She hurt herself.

All right, but don't worry, ma'am, 'cause you're in good hands here.

Lucky I was there to take charge of things.

Jeff, how you coming with that doctor?

It's ringing.

How did she hurt herself?

Oh, the poor woman, she had a dizzy spell and fainted in the street.

No, she didn't. You ran over her.

Well, what difference does it make as long as she's okay and nobody got pictures?

( Horn beeping )

You know, funny thing about this accident...

It made Louie a nicer person.

I mean, he keeps calling that old lady on the phone, sending her flowers, going to see her.

And he's been spending a lot of time with her.

Oh, poor thing.

Hasn't she suffered enough?

I know what he's doing.

He's trying to make friends with her so she won't sue him for his eyeballs.

( Louie humming "Pomp and Circumstance" )

( laughing )

You all remember Edith Tremayne.

And, Edith, you must remember the kids from the Sunshine Cab Company, where "safety first" is our only motto.

I'm so pleased to meet you all.

Mr. De Palma was kind enough to buy this wheelchair for me.

Well, well, well, Edith, you won't be needing this wheelchair long.

She'll be up and doddering about any time now.

And he sends me a dozen roses every day.

You're spoiling me, Louis.

You should be spoiled, Edie.

And now I'm going to show you all around the garage, and we'll go nice and slow.

We wouldn't want to have any accidents.

You know, something's been bothering me ever since he wheeled her in here.

Her face is familiar. It's very familiar to me, only I just can't remember where from.

And over here we have the grease pit.

Oh, that reminds me.

I forgot to thank you for the lunch today.

Well, don't mention it, Edith.

Don't mention it.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Uh, have you and I ever met?

No, I don't think so.

You look very familiar to me.

I probably remind you of your grandmother.

That's what everyone tells me.

Yeah. I guess that's what it is.

Well, thanks for picking up the conversation, Rieger.

As I was saying all of our drivers are chosen for their intelligence, their maturity...

Uh, excuse me.

( Clears throat )

Do you know how many jelly beans I can hold in my mouth at one time?

No, I don't.

Well, I'll have to find out somewhere else.

And as you can see, we also hire those less fortunate than ourselves.

Now let me show you my cage.

This is the nerve center of the whole operation.

Oh, that isn't necessary.

Mr. De Palma, it's wonderful.

You have a lovely garage and you have a fine-looking group of employees.

And you, personally, have been as good to me as if you were my own son.

Well, Edith, in a way you do remind me of my dear, sweet mother.

God rest her soul.

Oh? She passed away?

No. This is her nap time.


Well, your mother must be very proud.

You're a wonderful person.

Well, I think you're a wonderful person too.

And I'm glad to be a friend of yours.

And I'm glad to be a friend of yours.

And I hope our relationship isn't going to be hurt by this thing with the courts.

"Thing with the courts"?

Yes. My lawyers are forcing me into suing you for a million dollars.

( Growling and mumbling )

Thank you for showing me the garage.

Thank you.

You didn't see this yet.

What's going on?

Louie went up to break the news to Mr. Mackenzie.

Yeah, and try to get the cab company to pay legal expenses.

Oh, boy, there's going to be trouble.

Thank you.

I-I was sure you'd see it that way.

You're more than kind.

Thank you, sir.

ELAINE: So, what did he say?

The cab company's going to pay for everything...

ALEX: Oh, boy, are you lucky.

And then they're taking it out of my salary.

Louie, you have to pay for everything?

Everything, including the gas I used when I ran her over.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

A million dollars.

A million dollars.

If the cab company was to take $100 a week out of my salary a million bucks would take... two...

200 years.

Yeah, well... that sounds a lot longer than it really is.

Ignatowski... Huh?

These matters are too serious for you even to be here.

Go sit in the storeroom.

Can do.

I still wish I knew why that lady's face looked so familiar.

I can't believe her ingratitude.

I mean, after all the things I gave her...

The wheelchair, the flowers, the friendship...

The tread marks.

What I need here, is the best legal talent money can buy.

Jeff, give me the yellow pages.

Here, boss.

She's going to wish she never heard the name Louie De Palma.

I know that feeling.

This is great. That old lady has got you.

Yeah, well, We'll see about this, Wheeler.

There you go.

You can't do better than this.

"Charles 'Speedy' Wyatt, Legal Services.

"Credit terms available.

"Free parking.

If I can't beat your rap, I'll eat a bug."

Now, Louie, this is not the time to economize, you know.

I mean, you are in serious trouble here.

I think you're right.

Now, my gallery has an attorney.

I'll see if he can help you out.

Thanks, Nardo, thanks.

( laughing )

What's the matter with you, Rieger?

I just remembered where I saw that old lady's face.

And it's funny?

Yes, it's very funny.

Do you remember Sonny Bergmeyer?

Sonny Bergmeyer? Who's that?

Sonny Bergmeyer, he used to work here as a driver.

Oh, a driver?

Oh, mercy, a driver?

Well, wait, let me go check my scrapbook.

Louie, Sonny Bergmeyer ran over that same old lady a couple of years ago.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

She sued him too.

But only Sonny checked her out and found out she'd been run over by cab drivers once a month for years.

Poor lady's got rough luck.

You mean to say that that sweet little old lady fakes accidents?

You got it. It's the oldest trick in the book.

She steps in the path of a slow-moving cab, and just at the right moment, she fakes being hurt.

You're being sued by a con woman, Louie.


I knew it wasn't my fault.! That's right.

Tell me, tell me more. Tell me more, tell me more.

What did Bergmeyer do when she sued him?

Well, he...

No, I don't think you want to hear anymore.

Come on, Rieger! No...

You know how my stories always bore you.

Come on, come on! Come on, come on!

All right, all right. All right, all right!

What was it you wanted to know again?

Come on, Rieger. ! All right, all right.

As far as I can recall, he rounded up those cab drivers that she had done that number on and he threatened to bring them into court to testify against her.

She dropped the suit immediately.

She was used to taking the cab companies and having them settle out of court.

She didn't want to go to trial.

I'll bet she didn't.

That's probably what she wants me to do...

Settle out of court.

That's right.

( laughs evilly )

Oh, I can't wait.

I can't wait.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to make her take me to court.

And then, when I get her there, I'm going to let her have it.

( Growling )


I'm going to expose her.

That's it.

I'm going to make her little gray head spin.

I'm going to beat this rap just like Sonny Bergmeyer.

Where can I find this guy Bergmeyer, Rieger?

Bergmeyer? I don't know.

He used to hang around Benson's cafeteria.

I don't think he does anymore, though.

Alex, you got to find him for me.

Why should I do that?

Come on, you're the only guy who remembers him.

Come on, you know him. You know him.

Besides, with a nose like that you're better than a bloodhound.

That's what you consider sweet-talking, Louie?

Come on, Rieger, you've got to help me out.

I could stand to lose a million bucks here.

( Chuckles ) Listen... if you can save me that, I'll give you $100.

Okay. Okay, I'll do it.

Save your money.

I'll try to find Sonny for you if you do something for me.

Anything. Anything. Anything.

All right, no more ridiculing the cab drivers.


No more making passes at Elaine.


And no more cheap shots at Bobby. Fine.

And no more jokes about my nose.


Is it a deal?

All right.

It's a deal. It's a deal

Courtrooms give me the willies.

I had to go to court myself once a few years back.

Really? Did they get you on drugs?

No. I was already on drugs.

That's why I was there.

I just talked to Alex on the phone.

You're not going to believe this.

He finally found Sonny Bergmeyer.

Talk about cutting it close; the day of the trial.

You know, the trial's not going to start for a while.

Why don't we go and see if we can pick up some chicks out in the hall, huh?

Maybe we can get ourselves a couple of legal secretaries.

Yeah. They got to be legal though, Bobby.

Hey, Jim, you want to come?

No, I'm going to stay here, look around a little.

All right.

Thank you.

I thought that was you, Edith.

Good to see you again.

Oh, the cast.

Nice touch.

You're not going to believe this, Tom.

The cast is real.

I actually broke my leg this time.

Come on, Edith, save it for the judge.

No, I'm telling you the truth.

It's the damnedest thing, I'm really hurt.

When I bounced off that cab, I broke my leg in two places.

So you mean we've actually got a legitimate case?

Well, there's a first time for everything.

( Chuckles )

( Scoffs )

Hope you didn't spend that million bucks yet, Edith.

( Growls )

ATTORNEY: Mr. De Palma.

Mr. De Palma, please.

When is your key witness going to get here?

Just relax.

Don't worry. He'll be here soon.

Rieger's picking him up right now.

This is going to be the easiest case you've ever had.

Old Grandma Bunko's not going to know what hit her.


Ignatowski, get the hell out of here.

Boss, I think there's something you ought to know.

The only thing I want to know is how fast you can get out of my sight.

Boss, this is really, really important.

You know how short my memory is, so let me tell you before I forget.

Okay. What is it?

What's what?

Bean brain, get out of here.

( Scoffs )

So, you had no idea, Miss Tremayne, that the cab was coming towards you?

The only thing I noticed was the sign saying "walk."

I never even saw the speeding cab when it tried to run the light and came after me.

Okay, now let me ask you this, Miss Tremayne.

Have you ever had this kind of accident before?


Will counsel for the defense approach the bench, please?

Rieger, where's Sonny?

Let me tell you about that.

He's here, right?

He was all ready to come in.

Said he was looking forward to it.

Said he wanted to see that old lady get what she deserves. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then he asked me whose butt he was saving by coming in.

Right, right.

Then I did a very stupid thing.

I told him it was yours.


He jumped out of the cab.

This is incredible.

Didn't you tell him if he doesn't come here that old bat's going to take me for everything I got?

I told him.

Well, what'd he say?

"The system works."

Rieger, Rieger, I'm lost.

I'm sorry, Lou.

There's one bright spot.

What's that?

Our deal's off, Aardvark nose.

There's got to be some way to...

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Your Honor, may I ask the witness a couple of questions?

Well, that's within your rights as long as the opposing counsel for Miss Tremayne doesn't object.

Object to it?

On the contrary, Your Honor, we encourage it.

Mr. De Palma, I don't think you should do this.

Leave me alone.

I smell blood.

Uh, Miss Tremayne, it is your contention that your alleged broken leg has left you completely helpless.

It certainly is.

And you would have the court believe that, uh... say in the case of earthquake or fire, or some other calamity, God forbid, you would be unable to get out of that chair and save your life?

That's right.

You're saying that if this wheelchair, for some reason, might go totally out of control you would not be able to get out of it?

That's right.

Well, I'm saying that you are not injured in the least and I'm going to prove it by doing this.

( Screaming )

Don't worry.

She'll get out.

She'll get out of the chair.

She'll get out before she hits the stairs. Don't worry.

Jump out, Edith.

Jump out, Edith.

Jump out, Edith!

( Thud )

( Rhythmic thudding )

( Thudding stops )

( Thud )

( Rhythmic thudding )

( Thudding stops )

( Thud )! Rieger, I didn't know...

( rhythmic thudding )

( Thudding stops )

Rieger... ( thud )

( Rhythmic thudding )

Rieger, Rieger, what floor are we on?

The 16th.

I have no further questions, Your Honor.


Oh, how's Edith?

Not too bad.

Boy, scared the hell out of her, though.

But the chair and the cast absorbed most of the damage.

She's not really hurt.

Mmm. They put Louie in jail.

Yeah. That judge was pretty mad.

Yeah, I'll say. I never seen a judge try to hit anybody with his gavel before.

So, uh, what's going to happen now?

Well, fortunately, Sonny gave me some of the names of the other guys she conned.

Louie doesn't stand a chance of getting out of jail until I round up these guys and get them to talk to the judge.

So, there's not a moment to lose.

The quicker I make these calls the quicker Louie gets out of jail.

( Theme music playing )

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )