Taxi S3E18 Script

On the Job: Part 1 (1981)

( Theme music playing )


TONY: Hey, what's going on, huh?

How come none of you guys are out driving?

Louie's been upstairs in a meeting for an hour, you know, with the, uh, company executives and Mackenzie.

Well, what's the meeting about?

Got me.

Hey, does anybody know what's going on up there?

Well, uh, don't hold me to this, because I could be dead wrong, but if it's what I think it is, I haven't got a clue.

I know what... I know what it is.

The company is broke.

What? Where did you hear that?

From me.

Today, this afternoon, I tried to order parts, and everywhere I called, they said that our credit is no good.

Wow, the Sunshine Cab Company is broke.

LOUIE: It's your fault... all of you!

You did this!

You couldn't just drive and be happy you had jobs.

No!

No!

Everything had to be just so.

The tires had to have treads.

The brakes had to have linings.

Okay, prima donnas...

You got them, now you don't have jobs.

I hope you're satisfied.

You finally killed the golden goose.

Now, wait a minute, boss...

Maybe you're upset, but before you go throwing the blame around you better check your facts.

Anyone here go near that goose?

What are we going to do?

We'll have to find ourselves other jobs.

I guess we'll have to go to another cab company, huh?

Hmm, not me, I'm sick of driving.

I think I'm going to take this as a sign to break away and start fresh.

Hey, yeah, maybe losing our jobs is a blessing.

Yeah, maybe it's time to get out of the hack business.

Maybe it's time for us to shed these old, lousy, nowhere jobs and find new, lousy, nowhere jobs.

Sounds good to me.

( Sighs ): Well, count me in.

Okay, listen, we're all going to be out there looking for new jobs, right?

And we're all gonna be real curious to see what the others have come up with.

So, let's say in a month, we meet at Mario's...

All right, all right. Terrific. We'll meet in a month. Yeah!

And we'll tell about the great jobs we all got. Yeah.

Let's do it. Come on! Stretch! Hey, all right!

( Scoffs )

Hey, Lou, how did, uh, Mackenzie take it?

The captain?

Yeah. Huh!

Don't worry about him.

Nothing's going to get that old buzzard down.

Right now he's upstairs, brainstorming for an idea and believe me, he'll find a way out.

( Gunshot )

I wonder how long it took him to come up with that one.

( Elaine screams joyfully )

Hey! Hey, there she is!

Thanks! Oh, God.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

I-I had to wait for the sitter.

So, uh, what did I miss?

We've only been here for a couple of minutes.

Just time enough for "hellos." ELAINE: Oh...

Oh, I haven't seen you guys since that terrible day in the garage. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeck, that was awful.

Yeah, but I knew Mackenzie wasn't the kind of guy who'd shoot himself.

Yeah, unfortunately he was the kind of guy who would shoot his accountant.

So why don't we get right down to it?

Okay. What did everybody do during the month?

Yeah, come on, who's going to go first?

Uh... What about you, Tony?

Okay, um, I looked around a lot, and I couldn't find anything, you know?

So I had to take this job with Lou-Lou the bookmaker.

I go around collecting money from people who are reluctant to pay up.

I was making fantastic money, but then after awhile the moral problem started to get to me.

Hmm...

I really appreciate you taking the time to see me like this, Father.

I always have time for those who come to me with problems.

Please, have a seat.

What can I do for you?

Uh...

Tony, if there's something you want to tell me, you don't need to feel embarrassed.

I just don't know how to start, Father.

This is real tough for me.

I'm not going anyplace.

Start, uh, whenever you're ready.

Well, you see, Father, the garage where I was working, it went bankrupt, so I had to go out and find another job.

I couldn't find any.

I looked real hard, but I couldn't find one... except as a collector for a bookmaker.

A collector?

You know, I go around making people pay up their gambling debts.

Sometimes I got to act tough with them, but I never hurt nobody.

Tony, I hope you didn't come here expecting me to approve of that.

See, Father, if I didn't do the collecting, somebody else would...

Somebody maybe not so nice.

So I don't think it's so wrong for me to keep doing it...

Just until I find another job.

Come on now, Tony, if you don't think it's wrong, why have you come to me so troubled?

'Cause you owe 300 bucks.

Listen, I'm sorry, Father, but Lou-Lou says you're already overdue.

The money's got to be paid today.

I don't have the money!

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Well, how did you let this happen, Father?

I gave the locker room prayer for the Giants that week.

The team looked so up for the game, I didn't see how they could lose.

Especially with the 14-point spread.

Father, isn't it illegal and a sin to bet with a bookmaker, even with the spread?

14 points.

Yes, I sinned... and now I have to do penance.

I hate to do this. Well, you...

But I don't have any choice.

That's right.

This watch was a personal gift to me from the Archbishop.

Give it to Lou-Lou.

I can't do this, Father.

No, no, no. I made a mistake, I should pay for it.

Forget about the sentiment.

Nah, nah, you don't understand. He only takes cash.

Perhaps if I spoke to him personally.

Come on, I'll go with you to give it to him.

No, he ain't going to take it, Father, I'm telling ya.

I have faith, Tony.

I always put my faith in the Lord.

Well, as long as you don't put your faith in the Giants again.

( Knocking at door )

I'll-I'll talk to you later.

Come in.

Hey, Tony, you're back from making your collections already, huh?

Yeah. How'd it go?

Fine.

Good.

Who gave us the priest?

He's the one who owes you the $300 from the... Get rid of him.

Yeah, but he wants to talk to you about...

Tony, I don't want to talk to no priest.

I don't want no priest in my office.

Father, would you excuse me for one second, okay?

Just a second.

( Mutters )

Lou-Lou, he don't have the money.

He came here to give you a watch.

I don't want no watch.

When somebody don't pay up, it's your job to explain those rules to them by whatever means available.

Father, you want to come in here, please?

Hey, Father, I'm just gonna have to pay up your debt myself.

I can't let you do that.

No, no, Father, it's okay.

I'd rather do it this way.

Tony, Tony, don't be a sap.

All right, I can afford it better than Tony can.

Give me the watch, Father, and we're even.

It was given to me by the Archbishop...

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Thank you, Lou-Lou, you're a good man.

I want you both to know I'm never going to gamble again.

Thank you, Tony.

Any time, Father. See you later.

I can't believe you took his watch.

I'm sure I will treasure it forever.

Hey, uh, Lou-Lou, uh, I don't want to mention this, but you said I was getting paid Friday and today's Friday, and I really need the money.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Here, congratulations.

So, uh, Elaine, that makes you next.

Well, okay.

I went to work as a secretary for this large corporation downtown, right?

So, the first day the personnel director takes me to the office and she just leaves me there.

So I'm sitting there waiting for my boss, wondering what he's going to be like...

Are you Mr. Givens' secretary?

Uh, yes. Hello, um, my name is Elaine Nardo, and I...

Don't try to be pleasant with me.

Is he in his office?

Uh, no, I-I'm sorry.

He's not in right now.

Well, then, perhaps you'll be so kind as to tell me where that horse's rear end is.

He was supposed to be in my office half an hour ago.

If Mr. Givens doesn't have a good excuse this time, he's fired.

Uh... he's, uh... his car broke down.

Splendid, Miss Nardo.

I'm George Givens.

Welcome aboard.

You're Mr. Givens?

Why did you do that?

Ah, I was just giving you a little battlefield experience.

It doesn't happen often, but every once in awhile, people look for me.

When they do, it's very important that I be somewhere else.

Why?

Sit down, Miss Nardo.

I've been working for this company for 23 years.

That is a record.

No one's been here longer than I have, and the reason I've lasted so long is because no one quite knows who I am.

Oh, some people know my face.

Some people know my name.

But very few of them put them together.

My dearest friends in this company know me as "what's-his-name?"

Come on, now...

Isn't this a little ridiculous, Mister...

You're right, you are forgettable!

Thank you.

Over the years, I've developed a lot of techniques.

For instance, meetings are my biggest challenge.

I slip in with the crowd, and I never say anything except "Mm-hmm" or "Mm-mmm."

And most importantly, I laugh only after everyone else starts laughing and stop cleanly before they stop.

Do you have any questions?

Yes... uh...

Mr. Givens, I don't know much about business...

Oh, that doesn't matter.

But, uh, I've read some of your reports and I think it's wonderful what you've written.

You read my reports? Yes.

What do you think, I write those reports to be read?

But-but Mr. Givens, I-I was so impressed.

You shouldn't be afraid to speak out.

Mr. Givens, a man with your experience and-and your obvious intelligence should be heard.

You shouldn't deprive others of your ideas.

You really think so?

Oh, I know so.

I don't know, I, uh... it's been a long time since I had that...

Well, hello there.

Hi, how are you?

Good, good! Oh!

It's good to see you.

Mr. Givens in?

Thank you for your illuminating report, Mr. Barrett.

Good show, Jack.

Now, if there are no other reports I think we can adjourn the meeting.

ELAINE: Mr. Givens...

Mr. Givens, your ideas are so much better than anyone else's here.

Please, Mr. Givens, this company needs to hear from men like you.

Maybe tomorrow.

Mr. Givens?

What if they don't like my ideas?

Maybe they'll fire me.

Oh, no, no, no.

The worst they'll do is disagree with you.

Mr. Givens, if you don't give your report today...

Right now...

Your 23 years with this company will come to nothing.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Who said that?

Who said that?

You said that.

I said that? I said that.

Oh.

There's one more report.

Very well, uh, the chair recognizes... what's-his-name.

Mr. Givens!

Let me just summarize what I've come to say.

I've been with this company for 23 years now.

23 years?

Yes.

And I must admit, I've seen some mistakes made...

Not big mistakes... Little tiny ones.

Damn it, I've seen big mistakes made.

I think I can summarize my ideas with one simple word, and that word, gentlemen, is "divest."

Get rid of the movie theaters.

Cable television's going to wipe them out.

Don't tell me about real estate.

Every yutz with ears is into real estate.

Forget South America.

You're not nervous about South America?

I'm nervous about South America.

We don't need burlap anymore.

Polyethylene's taking over the market.

Sell the forests...

Sell the coal fields, sell the chemical companies.

Divest, gentlemen!

Divest yourselves of everything but the three basics:

Nuclear weapons, hospitals and T-shirts.

And, uh... if I'm wrong about this, my 23 years with this company have come to nothing.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Thank you for talking me in off the ledge.

I am so sorry about this, Mr. Givens.

It's all my fault.

You know... it's the silliest thing.

All these years, I've been so frightened of being fired, and now that it's happened it's far more hideous than I imagined.

What a lovely family you have.

Well, thank you, but they're not mine.

Who are these people?

That picture came with the frame.

Executives who don't have families are talked about, so I kept it on my desk.

I see.

I call the little boy Skipper.

Good choice.

He chipped a tooth a couple of weeks ago.

The oldest girl is married now.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Her husband drinks a little more than I'd like him to...

I'm so sorry about this.

Well, that's over.

Good-bye.

( Whispers ) Bye.

Miss Nardo... could I buy you dinner?

I can still charge one last big meal to my expense account.

Oh, um, Mr. Givens, I don't know if I could do that to a company that I work for.

Used to work for.

They fired you, too.

Let's break 'em.

Well, it's your turn next.

Uh, I was a door-to-door salesman.

It was nice getting away from the pressures of driving a cab.

Forgetting for awhile about red meaning stop and green meaning go, oh!

In fact... if it hadn't been for one thing, I would've gone on being a door-to-door salesman.

What was that?

I didn't like it.

( Doorbell rings )

Uh... ( clears throat )

How do you do, Mr. or Mrs. Fill-in-name-of-couple?

I, uh... I'm your-name-here, but you can call me nickname.

Uh... it's very nice to see you this afternoon.

( Clears throat )

Uh... May I ask you are you satisfied with your present vacuum cleaner?

Well, ours hasn't been working too well lately, but I... May I come in and-and talk to you about Magic Carpet Wizard?

Uh... I suppose so, yes, okay.

Okay.

( laughs nervously )

I did it, I got in!

I'm going to do okay at this job.

Okay... why don't you make yourself comfortable?

Uh...

What you are about to see is a revolutionary new carpet machine that's more than a vacuum, more than a shampooer more than... something else.

It's... the Magic Carpet Wizard, the all-purpose carpet cleaner.

( Clears throat )

All right.

Oops, a little dirt.

Can your vacuum cleaner clean that up?

Yes.

Of course it can...

But can it clean up this?

Uh, well, I don't know...

Well, and ho... and how about this?

Oh, no, I don't think so.

And, uh, and, uh, this.

No.

Oh, no! Oh, just leave this in...

No.

And how about this?

Ketchup!

Does this machine clean up ketchup? Oh!

We wouldn't call it the Magic Carpet Wizard if it didn't perform miracles. Oh!

Oh, oh, I...

I-I think I get... I get the point!

I get the point!

Uh... uh... uh...

N-Now let me see the machine clean it up.

First, let's make it tough.

( Clears throat )

Here, a little bit of that.

Oh, no, no, wait, that's grease!

That's grease.

It ain't no problem for the Wizard.

Okay, there.

Oh.

( Muttering )

Let's grind it right in.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

( Clears throat )

Now... that's enough.

We are going to see this cleaned up fast and easy.

Where do I plug this in?

Uh... let's see...

Oh, there's-there's a... Uh... A book?

A book?

Oh, yeah, yeah...

I didn't get the vacuum job.

I'm selling encyclopedias.

Okay, you're next, Latka.

What kind of a job did you get?

Well, I would love to tell you about it but my break is over.

MAN: Hey, come on, Latka, there's lots of tables to be cleaned.

Okay. "Come on, Latka, there's a lot of tables to be cleaned."

You know, I-I would not be offended by a tip.

( Coins rolling )

Well, I would be by that one.

( Bobby and Tony muttering )

Come on, give tip...

Big tip.

Keep it coming.

ANNOUNCER: Next week on Taxi... the stories continue.

My God, what is that in Corridor C?

What's creeping down the wall in Corridor C?

Oh, my God!

Actually, I'm really an actor.

I was born dirty, Mr. Gray... and every day I get dirtier... and dirtier.

( Theme music playing )


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )