Taxi S3E19 Script

On the Job: Part 2 (1981)

( Theme song playing )

You couldn't just drive and be happy you had jobs.

The Sunshine Cab Company is broke.

We'll have to find ourselves other jobs.

We'll meet in a month and we'll tell about the great jobs we all got.




Hello, my name is Elaine Nardo.

Come on, Latka, there's a lot of tables to be cleaned.

( Louie chortling )

Oh, I forgot.

Tonight's the night the losers get together to share their success stories.

It's going to be a short evening.

You have made lots of money, Louie?

Oh, I get by.

No one ask him.

Ah, well, I can't stick around.

I got to get back to work.

I just stopped by to have a beer and gloat.

( Chortles )

Hey, Louie, you forgot to sign your unemployment check.

( Bobby snorts )

( All snickering )

TONY: Go, Louie.

All right, before you laugh at me you better listen to my story.

Thank you.

All right...

I said I could succeed in any field and I proved it.

I went down to Wall Street and I became a stockbroker.

BOTH: Get serious.

You've got to be kidding?

You, a stockbroker, Lou?

BOBBY: Give us a break, Louie.

Hey, I'm not saying it was easy to break in.

These reports look fine.

File them with the Clifton portfolio and bring me the Wesley- Cosgrove prospectus.

Yes, sir.

You the top dog here?

I didn't know Guys and Dolls was in town.

Excuse me.

You can't barge in here like this.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you the cheese or not?

I'm the head of this firm, if that's what you mean.

Snap this picture.

Future generations are going to want an exact record of the moment that you hired your greatest salesman.

Say "cheese," Cheese.

There you go.

Miss Lang, what are you doing? Call security.

Yes, sir.

Good, good, call security.

If I can't convince you to hire me by the time they get here, I'll leave.

You know what the problem with this company is, Mr. Gray?

You don't know how to get dirty.

What this organization needs is a man who can get dirty...

Someone who'll go out there and scrape up any business he can, any way he can, from anybody who's got a couple of bucks.

You don't need fancy clothes and a nice education to make money.

What you need is volume.

You need hustle!

You need to get dirty!

I was born dirty, Mr. Gray, and every day I get dirtier... and dirtier!

( Rapping on door )

Trouble, Mr. Gray?

Go on.

And dirtier!

Hello, De Palma here.

You want a quote?

Hang on a second.

Let me have that.

All right, 33 1/8.

All right, all right.

Hello there, De Palma here.

Oh, Tom, baby, how are you?

All right.

Yeah, listen, Tom, I'm very upset to find out that you've got your entire account sewed up in one stock, but if you want to bounce up and down the boards with AT&T, that's your business.

I'm telling you, Tom, they're a fly-by-night outfit.

Hold on a second, something just flashed on the big board.

Hello there, sweetheart.

I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

We've met.

That's not the pleasure I was talking about.

Tom, listen to the words that are going to send you to an early retirement:

Genetic research.

You know, cloning and stuff like that.

Listen, today they're doing it with rats.

Tomorrow, they'll be cranking out Cheryl Tiegs by the dozens.

Ah, I know what you're going to say.

I know, you got a philosophical problem because there's a possibility that something maybe could go wrong.

I mean, some mutant virus could wipe out half the world.

If you're in the half that's still around do you want to be rich or not?

All right, all right. I'm going no further on this.

I'll put you down for 5,000 shares.

If you change your mind, you get back to me, okay?


( Chortling )

Yes, guys, that's the way he does it.

All right.

Let's see...


Hello, Mrs. Greer?

Uh, this is Louie De Palma.

Have you decided what to do with your husband's life insurance settlement yet?

Well, I noticed in the obits this morning that he died last night.

Oh, oh, oh, well, well, um, I'll call back in a... you know, after the services.

All right, in the meantime, think chemicals and electronics.

All right.

Okay, let's see...

Hello, Myron Schwartz?

This is your cousin, Louis Ginzberg.

No, I was at your wedding.

We met behind the chopped liver.

Uh, listen, listen...

I think our family should stick together.

I got some hot stock here and I saved some for you.

I'll send you the prospectus.

Don't mention it.


Uh... ( clears throat )

Uh, I'll be right with you.

( Humming )

Uh, Mr. Tobias?

Uh, this is Louie De Palma.

Oh, well, have you ever thought of investing in the stock market?

Oh, well, is your mommy home?


Well, do you know where your mommy keeps her checkbook?

Uh, all right, look, David, David, I'll have to get back to you.


All right, bye-bye.

Uh, Mr. De Palma, I have to speak to you about something.

I'm very busy here, so make it quick.

Certainly... you're fired.

I rushed you a little bit, didn't I?

I'm sorry, I... I made a mistake.

You simply don't fit into our organization.

I'm... I'm... I'm making more money than anybody here!

We realize you're doing high-volume business.

That's not the problem.

It's your... demeanor.

Your taste in clothing is loud.

Your taste in everything is loud.

You're loud!

Secretaries have been complaining.

You eat too much in the corporate dining room.

You make noises when you eat.

Everybody makes noises when they eat.

Everybody makes eating noises when they eat.

Yours are not eating noises.

Yours are not... human noises.

What are we talking about here?

I mean ethics or something?

Oh, no, I certainly have no complaints about your ethics.

You have no ethics.

The problem is... we can't stand you.

Everyone's complaining.

It's nothing personal, you're just... disgusting!

What you call disgusting, I call selling!

I'm better at this business than any of you.

I just don't look the part.

I don't behave like the rest of you.

I didn't go to the right college, or any college, but let me tell you something, Mr. Gray.

I'm going to leave here feeling good about myself because I know that I succeeded.

You have to stay here knowing that some guy off the street can outdo you.


I'm sorry.

Uh, Mr. De Palma, I like to think that even the most fleeting and shallow relationships in this life somehow enrich us.

I think if you take a good look at this situation you'll find you've profited by it.

I couldn't agree more.

So long, loser.

TOMMY: Louie, phone for you.

That's probably Wall Street begging me to come back.

ALEX: Go. Go.

So, Bobby, I guess it's your turn.

What job did you get?

Um, I got something in the entertainment field.

All right, Bob!

ALEX: That's interesting, Bob.

Well, sort of.

What do you mean sort of?

Well, I had a real hard time finding anything, so I took a job in a department store doing parties.

People would have parties for their children and they'd hire me to come to the party and I'd play a part.

Oh, yeah? What kind of part?

Um... well, nothing crazy.

Something pretty traditional, actually.

( Doorbell rings )

BOBBY: Is this the Beck residence?

Yes, it is.

Well, I'm here for your party.

Oh, good... come in, please.


that's a nice outfit.

( Giggles: ) Thanks a lot, but you got to understand, this is not what I do for a living.

You just do it for fun?

No... not for fun.

I'll get the kids.

Hey, listen, um... excuse me, aren't you Cynthia Beck, the film director?

That's right, I am.

My name's Bobby Wheeler and... and I just love your work.

Well, I've always admired your jelly beans.

Hey, listen, actually, I'm really an actor and I haven't done very much, but I'm really, really good.

And I'd love to read for you sometime, but you're really hard to get in to see.

Uh, the kids are kind of restless.

I'll send them right in.


Kids, come on, the Easter bunny wants to see you.

( All cheer )

( High voice: ) Hi, kids.

Yeah! I'm the Easter bunny and I've come all the way from the enchanted lettuce patch just to spend Easter with you.

Now, you want to sing a song?

Hmm? KIDS: Okay.

Okay, now you join in.

I think you'll know this one, okay? All right. Okay.

BOBBY ( kids join in ): ♪ Here comes Peter Cottontail ♪

♪ Hoppin' down the bunny trail ♪

♪ Hippity-hoppity, Easter... ♪ Oh! And now, kids, in keeping with the Easter season the Easter bunny has a special surprise for you.

He's going to perform a scene from the Broadway play Whose Life Is It Anyway?

That's right, kids.

The Easter bunny is also a serious artist, too.

Now, you have to pretend that the Easter bunny's paralyzed from the neck down.

And he's talking to his doctor, okay?

You got that, right?


( Dramatically ): Can't you see that is why I've decided that life is not worth living?

I'm not human!

And I'm even more convinced of that by your visit than I was before.

Now, how does that grab you?

The very exercise of your so-called "professionalism" makes me want to die.

She was so impressed by my performance that she offered me a part.

Really? Yeah.

What part?

The clown at her daughter's birthday party.

All right, Bob!

Well, um... that leaves, uh... the guy in the yellow sweater.

( Everyone laughs )

TONY: Yeah, Alex, tell us.

What'd you do?

What'd you do? What'd you do? Come on.

Well, I, uh... I took a job as a night watchman in an office building.

A night watchman?

ALEX: I thought I would, you know, have a lot of time to myself...

You know, catch up on a lot of reading I always wanted to get done.

Well, the first couple of weeks it was kind of boring.

But after that I started to go a little nuts.

12,389... 12,390... 12,391.

12,391 hairs on my head.

Oh, what the hell, let's make it an even number.


Oh, what else is left on the agenda?

And I had dinner...

Oh, next is my rounds, make sure the building is secure.

My rounds, my rounds.

Corridor A, Corridor B, Corridor C, Corridor D.


Work, work, work, work, work.

Keep in shape.

( Makes karate chop noises )

( Grunting )

( Barks )

This is how I look when I talk.

This is how I look when I say, "This is how I look when I talk."

This is how I look when I smile.

This is how I look with my flashlight in my mouth.

This is how I look when I'm the star of my own TV show:

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

Welcome to The Alex Rieger Show, starring Alex Rieger.

Now let's get to our first guest.

Our first guest this evening, ladies and gentlemen, is the greatest juggler in the world.

And let's see if I get his name straight here:

Alex Rieger!

( Grunts )

I am now going to attempt juggling... backwards.

With one leg.

Now, for my greatest trick, ladies and gentlemen, I must have complete silence.

I am going to juggle and eat at the same time.

This is station Y.A.W.N. signing off after an evening of telecasting.

( Humming "The Star-Spangled Banner" )

( Imitating airplane )

( Keeps humming )

( Mimics airplane swooping )

( Yawns )

Oh... Hi, Henry.

You okay?

Oh, sure, sure, I'm fine, Henry.

Well, I'll just be going along now.

Yeah, just take it easy, Rieger.

It's just the first couple of weeks on this job that are kind of tough, you know?

But once you've been at it 20 years like I have, boy, you're going to learn to handle it.

Thanks for the tip, Henry.

Take it easy.

Yeah, good night.

( Alex humming )


Boy... gee.

It's time now... for The Harry and Muffy Show!


Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Well, who are our guests tonight, Muffy?

( Giggling )

( Gasps )

( High voice: ) Harry... you are a sick man.

Listen up, dregs of society.

The Sunshine Cab Company was just purchased by a new owner.

All right?

We're back in business, boys and girls.

If you want your jobs back, you better follow me.

( Sniffs )

So okay, so cab driving is a stinky, lousy job that, uh... has no comforts and no dignity and no future, but on the other hand... would anyone like to help me with the other hand?

On the other hand we stink at everything else?

Come on!

All right!

I guess... Let's go, Latka.

TONY: Hey, Tom, on my tab.

TOM: You got it, Tone.

( Tony hoots )

Take this job and shove it.

You know something? I can't believe it, but it's actually good to be back.

Yeah, I have to admit it.

It is.

Who ever thought we'd miss this crummy place?

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Oh, my God.

It actually feels like home.

Yeah, it sure does.

Well, let's get to work.


Hey... what is it we do?

We're cab drivers, Jim.

Ah, come on.

No, really.


Ignatowski... 111.

Banta... 412.

Wheeler, 603.

BOBBY: Old 603.

LOUIE: Nardo...


Rieger... 134.

( Theme music playing )

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )