Taxi S3E2 Script

Tony's Sister and Jim (1980)

( Theme music playing )


Hey.

Here, get the air moving around me in here a little bit.

You want me to fan you?

I don't think so, Louie.

You see, I left my palm leaf back at the hut this morning.

Go ahead. Make it racial right away.

( Grunts )

Oh, guys.

ALEX: Hi, Elaine.

Now, you know that I'm not the kind of mother who comes in with boring stories about her kids, right?

Yes, we've noticed that about you, Elaine, yes.

And I can't tell you how much we appreciate it.

That's the one thing I like most about you, Elaine, you know that?

BOBBY: Yeah. Thanks a lot for not doing that, Elaine.

Oh, I forgot.

We're only allowed to talk about hangovers and the Jets.

Hey, did you see the Jet game this weekend?

No. I was hung over.

Latka, do you like kid stories?

Oh, yes, I love them.

You know, when I was five and a half and I was just so high and I was so cute, you could eat me up alive.

Uh, you know, I had these big cheeks then, you know...

And... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're telling me a kid story about yourself?

Yes, because you know, I am a bachelor.

I am the only kid I've got.

Hey, Lou.

Hey, Ton. Hey, Bobby. Whatcha say?

Hey, did your sister get moved in?

Yeah. She's coming down here pretty soon.

Yeah, I can't wait to meet her.

Oh, uh, Bobby, I'd rather you wouldn't.

Why not?

Well, I mean, if you had a sister you wouldn't want a guy like you to meet her, would ya?

( Stammers )

Oh, yeah, I'll hang around the back till she leaves.

Hey, Alex, I talk to you?

Yeah, sure. What?

Remember when I read you my sister's letters and you said if she wasn't married and from Spokane you might want to go out with her?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you're in luck.

She's divorced, she's moved in, and she's free for lunch.

Uh, uh... Tony, Tony, look, I don't think it's a great idea for someone to date a friend's sister, you know?

Especially an Italian boxer friend's sister, if you know what I mean.

Alex, I know what you're afraid of.

But don't worry about it. I mean, Monica's all grown up.

She's been married and everything.

I doubt she's even a virgin anymore.

So... Yeah.

I want you to know I thought about it and it's okay with me if you want to go to bed with Monica.

Uh, Tony...

I better warn you, this might lead to dinner.

Listen, Alex, I'm only saying this because I know you're a good guy.

You'd call her the next day stay friends, stuff like that, right?

I'm beginning to get a crush on myself here.

Well... Eh, Tony, excuse me, but could I please have a crack at your sister, too?

Don't be ridiculous, Latka.

Why? I would call her the next day and stay friends with her and all that, too.

Listen, who are you fooling?

I would marry the wench.

Could you come upstairs for a second, Alex?

Mm-hmm. So I could talk to you?

There's no privacy down here.

Boy, what-what does Alex have that I don't have?

A big nose and a Green Card.

( Speaking native language )

Excuse me.

Uh, could you help me?

I'm afraid all I give is rubdowns.

I just wanted you to tell me where my brother is.

Who's your brother?

Tony Banta.

Huh.

I don't allow no family get-togethers in my garage.

Well, I just want to talk to him for two minutes.

Give me a buck.

You must be Louie.

How do you know who I am?

'Cause I only had three people described to me.

One was good-looking, one was smart, and one was you.

Well, meow.

Oh, I'm in luck... a human being.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Uh, could you tell Tony Banta that his sister's here?

Oh, you are Tony's sister?

Yeah.

Well, do you know that you and I are forbidden to love?

It's a shame, it's a big shame.

Because we would have made beautiful babies together.

I never thought I'd say this, but don't go away.

Next.

Did I hear someone say... you were from Spokane?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I lived there for five years.

Were you ever there?

No, no...

Uh, wait a minute.

I was born there.

Uh... ( clears throat ) I'm, uh...

Jim Ignatowski.

Uh, Monica Douglas.

Did, uh, you buy that dress in Spokane?

Uh... yeah, I did.

It's been a long time since I've seen a dress from Spokane.

Smooth, Iggy.

Real smooth.

Excuse me.

Iggy.

She went thataway.

Much obliged.

What did you do in, uh, Spokane?

I, uh, played the flute in the symphony there.

Really?

Yeah. I wouldn't kid you.

The flute is my favorite instrument.

Yeah?

Except for the gong.

Yeah?

You mean the gonnnnng?

Yeah.

You know it.

Yeah. Yeah, I like it, too.

I bet you play great.

Well...

Vivaldi is my favorite.

Oh, yeah?

Uh-huh.

Uh...

( humming ): ♪ Dum, dum, dah dah dah... ♪

♪ Dum... ♪

♪ Duhh... ♪ Yeah.

( Humming Vivaldi's "Spring" from The Four Seasons )

♪ Duhh... ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da, da da-da-dum ♪

♪ Duh-duh-duh-duh... ♪

♪ Dum, dum... ♪ ♪ Dum dum dum da, da, da ♪

♪ Dum dum dum da, da, da ♪

♪ Dum dum dum da-da-dum-dum... ♪

♪ Dum-dum... ♪ ♪ Dah! ♪

♪ Dum-dum, da-da-dum dum-dum-dum ♪

♪ Dum-dum... ♪

♪ Dum-dum, da-da-dum dum-dum-dum ♪

♪ Dum-da-da, dum-da-da... ♪ LOUIE: Excuse me.

Your attention, everybody.

I didn't think it would be necessary for me to make this rule, but... no Vivaldi in the garage.

Thank you.

One of these days I got to get it together and go to the symphony.

I'm pretty sure New York has one.

New York has a great symphony. Ah?

I'd like to go, too.

Well, uh... see... if you think you're going to go, maybe, uh... maybe I could sort of tag along.

Well, you don't have to tag along.

Maybe we could go together.

Huh... I just got a rush.

Yo, Monica!

Tony! Tony!

Oh.

Hey, everybody, my sister, Monica.

( Clapping and cheering )

CABBIE: Hi, there. Family pride.

Hey, and this here's Alex Rieger. Ah...

And he's got something to say to you.

Oh? Hi. Yeah. Uh...

Oh, yeah, let me just say, first that I can't take you to lunch 'cause something came up.

Oh, really? That's too bad.

Well, it's a shame, but it's okay, because Alex here has got something he wants to say to ya.

Oh, yeah?

I was just going to a-as...

He would like to know if you would like to go to lunch with him today, right, Alex?

You were?

TONY: Sure, he was. Well, I-I...

You really want to go to lunch with me, or are you just asking me because my brother asked you to ask me?

Huh? No, no. I was...

TONY: Uh, Monica, come on, I mean, that's insulting to Alex.

He's asking you 'cause he wants to ask you.

Okay, okay, okay, great. Let's go to lunch.

Well, are-are you sure you want to do this, Monica?

I mean... Well, uh...

She's sure. She's sure. Uh-huh?

Why is everybody checking everything? Okay, okay. Let's go.

Sure. Have a good time.

( Chuckles ): Okay. Okay.

Why you all over me for?

Uh, am I here? I'm sorry.

MONICA: Yeah?

( Giggles )

So, not a bad sublet, huh?

Hey, how much you paying?

$500.

How many bedrooms?

No bedrooms. It's a studio.

Air conditioned?

No.

They include utilities?

Uh-uh. So what do you think?

You sign the lease already?

Yeah. I love it.

So, uh, how did it go with Alex?

Fine. Hey.

Ooh, you still got that great arm.

So, uh, tell me about your date.

Bet he took you some place classy, just like Alex would.

Oh, we went to a little hamburger place.

Just like Alex.

He never puts on airs.

So, uh, what did you guys talk about?

Well, actually, we didn't talk all that much.

In fact, at one point Alex said, "I can't get a pause in edgewise."

Ah. Ah!

What an icebreaker.

So, so when are you guys going to see each other again?

I don't know. I mean, he's a nice guy and everything, but he's not my type, you know?

Your husband was your type.

Tony, don't start.

An Electrolux salesman with every allergy in the book who painted turtles for relaxation.

You know, you always make so much of that one time he painted the turtle.

Hey, Monica, listen.

Come here.

You've been divorced about a year and you moved back into town.

You and I, we got a chance to start off fresh.

Yeah. So let's start.

Man, you're my sister and I love you.

Okay.

And you're my brother and I love you.

Now you're going to say something that's going to drive me crazy, right?

We all got our faults. I'm messy around the house.

You fall for garbage.

Trust me enough to try to get interested in Alex.

No, no, not Alex.

But I tell ya, there was one guy in the garage who I thought was really sweet.

Alex is the sweetest.

No.

I'm talking about Jim Ignatowski.

Monica.

Monica!

Not him. The man's Silly Putty.

The last girl Jim went out with lived in a forest and ate bark.

Trust me to know you're attracted to losers.

And Alex ain't no loser, and I set it up.

And he likes you. And hey, listen, let me tell you, I was worried about that, because he don't like just anybody.

Oh, yeah? ( telephone rings )

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Yeah, we were just talking about you.

( Sighs ) Yeah, yeah.

I'd love to.

Oh, it doesn't make any difference.

We could eat before or after the symphony.

I'm going to straighten your life out if it kills me.

Oh, well, listen, if it's a problem for you, you know, we could go Dutch.

No, it doesn't have anything to do with wooden shoes.

Ignatowski!

Excuse me.

If a, uh, Mr. Ignatowski shows up looking for me, could you please give him this note?

Very good, Mademoiselle.

Thank you.

Oh, there he is.

I believe this is for you, sir.

Is this the bill already?

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's-it's from the lady.

"Couldn't wait any longer.

Sorry I missed you. Monica."

Uh... I'm sorry, too.

Guess I'll see you some other time.

Where are you going?

We can't have dinner together.

Why not?

I don't know. You didn't go into it.

No.

I, uh, see, I wrote this note when I thought that you weren't coming here. Ah...

But, uh... it's, uh... it's-it's okay.

Uh... can we take our table back?

WAITER: Sit down, Mademoiselle. Thank you very much.

Right here.

Oh, thank you very much.

( Clearing throat )

So why were you late?

Well, ( clears throat )

I, uh, got a note from Tony to wait until he brought his cab back in.

I never got so much mail in my life.

I can't believe it.

I-I... what did he say?

He was pretty emotional about us not seeing each other after tonight.

I told him not to worry.

It's not like we're starting a big romance.

Would you like to order a drink before dinner?

Uh, bring us your best Chablis.

A glass or a bottle?

I don't want a glass.

How about you?

Please.

Please.

Uh, slow us down a little, but... so what?

Ooh.

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to shave.

That's all right.

My face grows hair very fast.

I shave, and it seems like only a matter of days before it's back.

It's been a long time since I've had to be interesting.

Well, you're doing fine.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, you know...

I don't have much hair on my body at all.

I mean, uh... compared to my face my skin is like a smooth baby pumpkin.

Uh... I didn't mean to talk erotic.

Would you like to order now?

Uh... Can I take the liberty of... of ordering for us?

Okay.

Uh...

nous voudrions la foie gras de canard en terrine.

Et, encore le civet de lapin pour deux personnes.

Du lapin.

Excellent, Monsieur.

Excellent. Merci beaucoup.

Boy, you speak French.

No.

Huh...

No, I just learned what I should order.

Took me all day.

You mean, you did that for me?

That was the easy part.

The hard part was phoning all over town trying to find a restaurant that serves that.

Boy.

Boy, what a guy.

Come on.

No, no, what a guy.

Oh.

You're turning my head.

Oh.

Could I, uh... see you again soon?

When?

Later tonight?

Okay.

Uh... listen, I wasn't going to say this unless we hit it off...

You know, really liked each other.

Yeah?

Let's not tell Tony that we're going to keep on seeing each other, okay?

You really like me that much?

More.

Don't tell anyone else in the whole garage.

Wow.

( laughing )

Yeah.

I got to tell you something.

You make me happy.

I mean, even after I first met you and I was alone in my apartment lining the shelves, I'd think of you and I'd smile. Oh...

When I think of me, I smile, too.

( Clears throat )

We're both thinking of me.

Hey, Jim.

What? Huh?

Hey, listen, uh, something's been bothering me the last couple of weeks.

I probably should have said something sooner, but...

Hey, I'm real sorry I had to stop you from seeing Monica.

Oh, that's okay. Nah. Listen, it's nothing personal but sometimes you just got to do what your head tells you.

So look, I don't blame you for being sore.

You got every right, so if you want to, you plant one right here, go ahead.

Go on, don't worry about it.

Plant one right there, go ahead.

Thanks, Tony.

I do feel a little better.

Now if you'll excuse me, I got to go see Monica.

Oops.

Ah, Tony, Tony, now, look, now look, now, I-I-I know it's none of my business, but I don't think you should interfere.

Now come on, let's go to Mario's and have a beer.

Come on, I'll buy, all right?

No, no, no. I ain't going to Mario's.

All you want to do is talk some sense into me.

I'm going over to my sister's while I still got a full head of steam. All right, all right, okay, okay, keep your full head.

But let me make one point here.

Now it's very clear to an outside observer that Monica doesn't have a problem.

Jim doesn't have a problem.

You're the one with the problem.

Oh, yeah, Alex? Yeah.

Let me tell you something.

I blame you for this whole thing.

What do you mean you blame me?

If you had more on the ball, she'd have gone for you.

What are you talking about? Huh, I know what you did.

You tried some of that dry humor on her...

The stuff that nobody laughs, they just say, "ooh, clever."

Yeah...

Tony, Tony... To... we're crossing a line we don't want to cross here.

Remember, we're friends.

Friends, Alex? We're friends?

You don't think enough of me to go to bed with my sister.

( Flute playing )

( Blowing jug )

Best time of my life.

( Knocking at door )

( Door slams )

I knocked, but I guess you couldn't hear.

All right, Jim, hit the road.

I told you to stop seeing my sister.

Now, I want you to I... Just wait a minute here.

You can't come in here and tell a guest of mine in my house to leave.

Yeah? Well, I ain't leaving till he leaves.

Okay, Tony, but you better make yourself comfortable because I sleep over.

Good, Jim. Good.

Of course, we have a lot of room here.

We'll need a bathroom schedule.

You're out, buddy! You're out.

Tony, w-what are you doing?

Put him down!

It's Chicago '68 all over again.

I can't stand it anymore, Monica.

That's no reason to start acting like a tough guy.

Look at him, Monica.

He's a burnt-out loser.

You know that for a fact?

Come on, you don't even know what Washington D.C. stands for.

District of Columbia.

See?

Oh, Tony.

Come on, I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for you two guys.

You told me one thing and you did something else. Aw...

Monica, I get... it ain't right, Monica!

Tony... I'm tired of this, Monica.

I can't take it.

Can I have a private word with you?

Tony, do you know how ridiculous you look right now?

Doesn't he look ridiculous, Monica?

Absolutely. Not only are you making a fool of yourself but your arms are starting to get tired, right?

Huh? You know, you've been doing this your whole life, Tony...

Getting yourself into tight spots then finding out you were wrong when it was too late to know what to do.

So what are you going to do now, huh?

I don't know.

Do you know, Jim?

Hey, he got himself into this mess.

Let him get himself out of it.

Hey, you all right?

Well, ( clears throat )

My shorts are riding a little high.

Otherwise...

You know, Tony, I knew someone like you once.

Is that all you're going to say, Jim?

I think I made my point.

You understood that, right?

Yeah.

You two on anything?

Yeah, Tony.

We're on threads of hope, trying to weave us a basket.

I suppose you got that one, too, huh?

No, I bat about .500.

That's all right, honey.

I don't get 'em all, either.

Alex says everyone's making sense but me.

I'm sorry I busted in.

Wow. Listen to that.

He never does that.

He never apologized.

Well, we're really maturing here, aren't we?

Huh? Huh?

I really am sorry.

He did it again.

Well, you get to stay for dinner for that one.

I'm really sorry, Jim.

Isn't this wonderful?

What have we all learned from this?

Tony's learned he can't pick who his sister is going to fall for.

Monica's learned she can't pick who she's going to fall for.

And I think I've learned the most important thing of all:

I love being lifted.

( Flute playing )

( Jug blowing )

♪ ♪

( theme music playing )


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )