Taxi S3E20 Script

Latka the Playboy (1981)

( Theme music playing )


LOUIE: I waited till everybody was over at Mario's because I didn't want to take any more razzing over this.

Now, you say this poison works on all kinds of cockroaches because I got a monster in there.

A monster.

No insect can survive this poison.

Respect your foe.

We're not talking about just any insect.

This is the biggest cockroach in the world.

I'm telling you, he barks at the mailman.

Don't worry about it, Mac.

I'll get him.

Take no prisoners.

Right.

Describe to me again what this stuff does to him.

Well, it, uh, paralyzes the central nervous system, blocking and then causing cessation of all the metabolic functions.

At least, that's what the can says.

As long as I can see his little feelers twitching in the air, I don't care how you do it.

Oh...

( speaking native language )

Excuse me, Latka?

I said, oh...

( speaking native language )

Is something wrong, Latka?

I enjoy watching her.

ALEX: Oh, yes, she's very enjoyable.

Yeah, she has been in here before.

Each time she gets more beautiful than the last.

Look at the way she sits on the stool like a princess.

ELAINE: Oh...

You got a little crush on her, don't you, Latka?

Why didn't you tell us, huh?

It brings me too much pain.

She doesn't know I'm alive.

Can't she tell you're alive by the way you move around and talk and stuff?

Huh?

Hey, Latka, just go over there and introduce yourself.

Say hi, she may like your style.

No, I could not do that.

Why not, Latka? Why not?

Well, how do I say this?

You see, I do not have too much success with American women.

You see, the men from my country are not, for some reason, attractive to the women in your country.

We do not, as a matter of fact, have much luck with the women in my country.

Latka, if I were you, I'd go over there and say hello.

Bobby, if I were you, I would go over and say hello.

But, unfortunately, I am me.

Oh, what kind of attitude is that, Latka?

Come on, you are an attractive person with a lot to offer.

Remember that. Yeah.

( All talking at once )

By golly, I will do it.

ALL: All right.

Tomorrow.

( All groan )

Tomorrow, first thing, I promise.

BOBBY: Latka, there is no time like the present.

No, wait. Come on.

ALEX: Wait, wait, guys, guys!

Come on, don't force him.

Let him make up his own mind.

Alex. What?

Mind your own business. Mind my own business.

Come on, guys.

Okay, now, you're going to do fine, Latka.

Shh.


Hello, I am Latka Gravas.

You're what?

Hello, I am Latka Gravas.

That is my name... Latka Gravas.

I think you are very pretty American woman.

Oh, well, thank you.

Maybe could I please have a drink with you?

Or food?

Or... or even gum?

Bubble gum?

I'm really not interested.

Thank you.

Then I guess it will not be necessary for us to look for a house over the weekend.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, bye-bye.

It was nice meeting you.

Boy, it sure is a long walk back.

ELAINE: Sorry, Latka.

BOBBY: She shot you down, huh?

Yeah, she shot me down.

BOBBY: Ah, she didn't even give you a chance.

That stinks.

It's all right, I forgive her.

Yeah, well, I don't.

There's such a thing as sensitivity to other people.

I think I'm gonna go over there and tell Miss High-and-Mighty where to get off.

Hey, wait a minute, Bob.

Let it go, will you? Alex, it's okay, I'm not going to make a scene.

It's just I can't let this thing rest.

You know, Latka, I bet it has nothing to do with you.

You know, I bet that she's committed somewhere.

You know, she's engaged or married, or, you know, living with someone.

Okay.

( Chuckles )

She needs a cab.

Yeah, I-I'm just going to give her a ride home, professionally, and talk about Latka all the way. Hey, now...

Alex, what can I do?

She needs a cab, huh?

Hey, Latka, if it bothers you, listen, I'll forget about it right now.

Oh, no, you don't worry about it, Bobby.

You just go and have a wonderful time with the woman who makes every tissue in my body scream with desire.

Okay, thanks a lot, Latka.

Boy, what a nice person.

Ooh, look at this.

Get a load of this one.

Ooh.

Hey, Latka, what are you doing, reading Playboy magazine?

Oh, yes, I am studying it, Alex.

I want to be up front with you.

I want to be an American fun guy taking each day in high gear.

Did I say that right?

I hope not.

Well, what's the point?

Well, the point is that I am sick of you all calling me a cute, little foreigner.

We don't call you a cute little foreigner.

Well, maybe not to my face, but behind my back.

Uh-uh, we don't call you that behind your back.

Well, maybe you don't say it out loud, but you think it.

We don't even think it.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how about the time Tony said his uncle was broke, and I said, "Well, why doesn't he go to the doctor?"

Yeah, that was kind of cute.

See, "cute" again.

Everything always cute.

I am sick of being cute. When will it end?

But Latka, I don't see how reading a bunch of magazines is going to make you more sophisticated?

Well, Alex, I am not only going to read it, I am going to take a vacation from the garage, I am going to lock myself in, every spare minute, I am going to study this Playboy.

Mm-hmm.

And I have a tape of an F.M. D.J.

I am going to learn to talk like him so that when women hear my voice, they will just relax.

See, I will do it even if it takes me eight days.

Look, here it is.

I have it marked.

I am going to... "alter my lifestyle to fit the fast lane."

Huh?

( Voice deepens ): "Alter my lifestyle to fit the fast lane."

( Voice deepens ): "Alter my lifestyle to fit the fast lane."

( Voice deepens ): "Alter my lifestyle to fit the fast lane."

( Accent lessens ): "Alter my lifestyle to fit the fast lane."

( Without accent ): "Alter my lifestyle to fit the fast..."

"( Normal voice ): lane." Whoop!

There, that ought to do it.

Now... now, how soon is it safe to go back in there?

Well, that depends on your system, you know.

Some people, they go in there the first day, they get sick.

Other people might get a headache.

Me, I like it.

All right.

Thanks, pal.

Ha!

It's great to have the cage back.

All right.

It's worth every penny for the piece of mind.

Come on in here, Jeff.

I'm starving.

Sandwich.

Mustard.

♪ No bugs allowed ♪

♪ No bugs allowed ♪

♪ No bugs allowed. ♪

Jeff...

( talking indistinctly )

It's Karen.

The princess is honoring us with her presence.

I bet you she's insulted we're not groveling at her feet.

Oh, you're handling rejection so much better than you used to, Bobby.

TONY: Hey, guys. Hey, guys.

Latka's back from his vacation.

He's on his way in right now.

I got to pick a good spot so I can see all your faces when you first see him.

I got it. Go ahead.

ELAINE: Oh, my God.

What did I tell you?

ALEX: Latka?

( Without accent ): Hey, I love you guys, you're beautiful.

( Clicks tongue )

Hey, Tommy, making any money?

Latka?

What kind of imported beer you got?

Schlitz.

Schlitz.

I love you, Tommy, you're a mug.

Give me one of those.

Thanks.


I can take one look at you and tell that you've heard every phony line in the book... so one more isn't going to hurt you, right?

( laughing )

( laughing )

She's laughing.

Ah... but seriously now.

The first few moments of a relationship set the tone for the whole thing, if you know what I mean, so let's be honest.

My name is Vic.

I'm into Italian cars, Technics stereos, Australian films and beautiful ladies.

If you're interested, let's talk.

If not, it's been fun.

Vic, huh?

No, not "Vic, huh?"... Vic Ferrari.

Vic Ferrari?

That isn't your real name, is it?

Why don't you tell me after you see how I perform on a tight corner.

( laughing )

Terrible humor, Vic, but I love that smile.

Come on, walk with me, talk with me.

Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hekyll.

Latka.

Excuse me, I think these people have mistaken me for someone else.

I'm a dime a dozen.

Don't you believe it.

Be right back.

All right, Latka, way to go.

You got her, buddy.

Hey, she's a woman, not a prize.

Hey, I love you guys, but I don't like your "keeping score" attitude.

Latka, she can't hear you now.

You can drop the act.

The act?

Hey, man, you got it backwards.

I dropped my act.

You guys could stand to do the same thing.

Hey, Elaine.

You're looking dynamite tonight.

Corny, but sincere.

( laughing )

( Clicks tongue ) Gotcha.

Come on, let's go, honey.

Poor, Latka.

What do you mean, Jim?

Everybody's beating time with his woman.

First Bobby, and now that jerk.

Latka!

Latka!

Latka!

Latka!

( Growling )

( Yells )

( As Vic Ferrari ): Hey, man, what is your problem?

I don't like people playing music in this garage.

Well, I don't like this authority trip that you're always laying on me, man.

Hey, you just wasted Elvis Costello.

Latka, you're getting weirder every day.

Now, I don't want to have to fire you for this, because...

I don't want to have to fire you...

I was hoping to fire you just for no reason.

Look, you better wise up.

Knock it off.

And try wearing some decent clothes to work.

You look like a foreign banana.

Well... time for my sparkling water break.

Anybody want some?

He's not coming out of this.

If anything, it's getting worse.

It's been going on for a week now, night and day.

Maybe somebody should talk to him.

Hey, I tried.

He just keeps telling me I'm one dynamite lady.

I keep telling him that's beside the point.

( Mumbling and phone ringing )

Get an answering service.

Hello.

Yeah, Vic's here.

Hold on a second.

Hey, Latka, it's Karen for you.

I'm not here.

Latka, it's the girl you're crazy about, remember?

Hey, I am out man, read my lips.

Uh, yeah, no, he's not here.

Yeah, okay, sure.

I'll tell him you called. Bye.

Latka, what's going on?

It's over between her and me.

You see, Karen is the kind of chick who craves rejection and goes around creating it for herself.

So what's a boy to do?

This is too much.

Latka, we got to talk to you.

Hey... you know I always have time to talk to you, Elaine.

You're one dynamite lady.

Latka, shut up.

Ooh-hoo, redheads.

I'm glad you feel that you can be so honest with me like that.

Latka, come here and sit down, okay?

Hey, Latka, Latka, you're weird.

Hey, we're all coming from a different direction, and sometimes it doesn't get in synch.

Sorry about that, but you had it coming.

Latka, can't you see what's going on?

Can't you see what you're doing to yourself?

Yeah, I'm assimilating.

Hey, Latka, why don't you come off it, huh?

Hey, if I have to be a cute little guy who strikes out every time in order to be Mr. Popularity around here, well then you can just keep your trophy.

Would you just stop it?

Well, excuse me.

I thought that I had the right to evolve, but I'm sensing a lot of hostility here.

Fortunately, I got my friend Alex.

My man, Alex.

With a heart as big as his schnoz and a brain as sharp as his profile.

Yeah, well, I'm very flattered.

Very flattered.

Hey, man, you understand what I'm talking about, don't ya?

Yes, I think I do.

Yeah.

God bless the people.

Adios, kids.

Hey, where you going?

Hey, come on back.

Hey, man, don't leave me.

Come on. I tell ya, Latka, I've been going back and forth about this thing, because I think maybe you're justified in thinking that there was a patronizing element in the way people used to treat the old Latka.

But the thing that keeps coming through to me is I like that old Latka, and I don't like you.

Ooh, hard to get happy after that one.

( Knocking on door )

Hey, Alex, I think we've got some head-butting to do.

You dropped a real load of guano on me today, and I think we should get out our shovels and see if we can...

( knocking on door )

( Knocking continues )

Please, don't slam the door on me again, because I don't think I could take that.

I really want to talk to you.

What do you have to say you haven't said already?

I cry at night.

Alex, please help me, you've got to help me.

I don't know what to do.

I'm stuck inside of here. I don't like this guy.

I don't remember how I got in. No, no, no.

I'll help you, I'll help you, I'll help you.

Listen, just sit down. Just sit down.

I don't like the fast lane.

Well, I understand that.

Well, can't you just stop it?

I mean, be the guy you used to be.

Talk like you used to talk.

I don't remember how I used to talk.

You don't remember?

Think.

I... I remember I was a cute little guy.

I had some kind of an accent.

But I've worked at it so hard I've been doing it for so long, I just don't remember what I used to sound like.

Well, not much different than you do now.

You remember?

Latka Gravas.

( Higher voice ): Latka Gravas, Ibeda.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do remember "Latka Gravas, Ibeda."

I'll try it.

Okay, Latka Gravas.

Ibeda.

Oh, it's no use, Alex, I can't cut it.

I can't, I went too far.

I don't remember what I sounded like.

I can't sound like him anymore so this is it.

From here on in, the highway's full of honky-tonks and one-nighters and no place to go when the bars close.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, it doesn't have to be that way.

Oh, come on, cadet, stop the snowfall.

I can take the truth.

Latka, Latka, just calm down.

Don't try so hard.

I mean, just trust that Latka's in there, that he'll come out.

Just trust it and relax.

No way, buddy boy.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Now, remember, Latka was a kind of quiet guy.

Trust me.

Just be quiet, just relax, okay?

Mm-hmm. Think.

He's in there somewhere?

Right.

Come on, Latka.

Come on out, Latka.

I know you're in there somewhere.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

All right.


Latka.

Yes, yes, yes.

Good, good, good.

Right, right, right, right, right.

You got it.

( As Latka ): Alex? Yes, Latka.

Thank you very much. You're welcome.

Oh, there's so much I want to tell you that has happened to me since I last saw you.

Oh, great, I'd love to hear it, Sit down.

Okay. Well... ( speaking native language )

Oh, yeah.

( Speaking native language )

( Chuckles ): Wasn't that silly?

( Speaking falsetto )

( laughing ) I remember that.

( Speaking native language ) Yeah?

( Speaking native language ) Playboy.

Oh, yeah.

I'll get us a couple of beers... I'm listening.

( Speaking native language as Vic Ferrari )

( laughing )

( Speaking native language as Latka )

Yeah, well, you know, that was another time.

( Speaking native language ) Oh, well...

( speaking native language ) don't like you.

( Shouting in native language ) Well, I'm sorry about that.

Guano, guano... ( speaking native language )

Yeah, well, yeah, here.

( Speaking native language )

( laughs )

Then... Thank you very much.

( Speaking native language )

So go ahead, tell me more, tell me more.

Well, that's it. Oh...

Then here I am, and here you are.

Well, it's nice to have you back, Latka.

( As Vic Ferrari ): All right.

( As Latka ): No, no, I'm only fooling.

Where is your sense of humor?

( Theme music playing )


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )