Taxi S3E3 Script

Fathers of the Bride (1980)

( Theme music playing )


You know, Bobby, I been thinking about something.

Yeah?

Look at me... I get up every morning, I eat breakfast, I get dressed, I go to the gym and I come to work.

I go home, I watch TV, and I go to sleep.

Next day, I wake up, I start the whole thing all over again.

Yeah, I think about my life that way sometimes too, Tony.

It's depressing, isn't it?

Depressing?!

I was thinking I had it made.

Hey, good evening, everybody.

Hey, Alex. Yo, Alex.

Hey, Louie got our cabs ready yet?

No. Not yet.

( Groans )

Hey, Rieger, how's your daughter?

My daughter?

I don't know, I guess she's fine.

Haven't heard from her for awhile.

Hey, wait a minute.

How come you're asking me a normal human question?

I don't know.

I just thought I'd try it.

Oh.

You can ask me a normal human question once in a while too, you know.

It's a two-way street.

All right.

You still have that cockroach problem, Louie?

Yeah. ALEX: Hm.

Thanks for asking.

There! Would you believe that?

There's one of the little buggers now.

( Stamping foot )

Don't fight back.

LOUIE: Looked like you, Iggy.

Thanks, boss.

Now, back to your daughter.

How old was she when your wife pulled out with her?

Hey, Louie, I wouldn't discuss the weather with you.

What makes you think I would discuss the personal facts of my life?

Listen, go easy on me here.

Would you just get away from me?

I'm trying to do this gentle.

I know something that would break your heart.

Oh, yeah? What do you know?

All right, let's proceed my way and...

No, no, just tell me what you know.

Just tell me what you know.

Let's do it my way.

My way or no way. You just tell me...

My way or no way!

All right, your way.

All right.

Your daughter... what are you listening to, Banta?

I could be here if I want to, Louie.

No, you can't.

This is America, Louie.

No, it isn't!

It isn't?

No!

This garage is Louie Land.

You want to go to America?

Go outside.

I'll be over here if you need me, Alex.

Yeah, so?

So how old was your daughter when your wife pulled out?

All right, she was two.

Two.

Hey, what are you getting at?

Alex, he doesn't know anything.

What are you letting him do this to you for?

No, no, no, I think he knows something.

His eyes are bulging like a frog's in heat.

Rieger, you're smart to notice this.

Stick around, Nardo.

He's going to need your ample bosom to cry on in a second.

Rieger... your daughter's gettin' married and the wedding is here in New York City, and she didn't even invite the man whose glands gave her birth.

Take care of him, honey.

Wait a minute.

How do you know that?

Here.

Read it for yourself.

Right under the roach.

All right.

Her boyfriend's father is a UN ambassador.

I see it.

You raise a kid, you give them two of the best years of your life, and they wind up forgetting you.

That's why I hate kids.

It's like Ma always said:

"You're better off raising tomatoes.

You can eat 'em."

All right, all right, come on, come on, leave him alone.

He'll work it out somehow.

Come on! Let's get some cabs on the road.

Banta? Nardo, Nardo! Wheeler! Come on.

Rieger, you snapped out of it yet?

Come on, it's not like it's money. Come on.

Louie, will you knock it off? Huh?

Give the guy some room.

You okay, Alex?

All right, will you stop making such a big deal about this, huh?

Go on, go to work. Go to work.

Will you go to work?

Come on, no kidding.

You heard the man.

Look, I... she lives in Brazil.

I saw her that one time in the past few years.

All right, so she doesn't want me at the wedding. Big deal.

Oh, now, don't assume she doesn't want you.

I mean, it could've been some foul-up in the mail.

Oh, please, Elaine.

Rio De Janeiro to here... Do you know how far that is?

REVEREND JIM: Six thousand... eight hundred and forty-two miles.

Well... do you know what kind of mail system they must have?

The Brazilian mail system is government-run with an annual budget of 27,485,000 pesetas.

How do you know these things?

You mean I'm right?

I wasn't even sure if pesetas was the right money.

Look, before you get upset, why don't you just get on the phone and call her?

Call her?! Yeah.

Call Brazil?! Yeah!

You know how much it costs to call Brazil?

You just went to the well once too often.

Alex, please call her. Call her.

No... Look, all right.

All right, all right, all right.

You're probably right. You're probably right.

I'll call her tonight.

No, no, no! Not tonight! Call her right now.

What are you talking about? I...

Call her, Alex. Go ahead.

Go on.

All right, I'll call her now.

ELAINE: Good.

LOUIE: It's in this paper, too.

"After honeymooning in the Orient, "the newlyweds will return home to their estate in Majorca...

A gift to them from the bride's father."

Wow! Nice present, Alex.

Tony, I think they meant Cathy's other father.

( low grunting )

Hello. Hello.

Can I speak to Cathy Consuelos, please?

Well, then, can I speak to her mother?

No, no, no, please don't put me on hold.

Look, I'm calling from New York City on a middle-class income.

I-I-I assume you're Mrs. Consuelos' secretary?

Right, good.

Listen, I'm Alex Rieger.

I'm Cathy's natural father and I haven't received my... my invitations yet.

All right, all right, all right, check, check, check...

Go ahead... but please check fast, will you?

Check, check, check, check...

Yes, hello, yes.

What... right.

The natural father speaking here, yes.

What?!

Who said I shouldn't be invited?!

Now, you just listen to me!

You tell the mother of that bride...

I am not yelling.

I am not yelling!

You just tell Mrs. Consuelos...

I am not! I am not!

You tell Mrs. Consuelos that she better have those invitations there because I'm showing up! You hear me?

I think you're absolutely right in demanding to go to the wedding.

And if you're gonna take somebody, it better be me.

You?! Why?

Because you need me and I want to be there.

Reel her in, Rieger.

She's bitten the hook.

Reel her in!

Oh, come on, Louie.

Reel her in, Rieger!

Reel her in, Rieger!

( Waltz playing )

Alex Rieger and guest.

Ah, yes, I'm sorry, sir, but your name isn't on the list.

How do you know so fast?

Because it's on the list that tells me you're not on the list.

Now wait a minute.

Do you know that my glands gave birth to the bride here?!

Alex... Hmm?

Just stop it. What do you want?

Now, the important thing is we get in to see your daughter, right?

We're not even invited!

Let me handle it, okay?

Okay.

Excuse me.

Do you have a light?

You don't have a cigarette.

We don't need a cigarette.

Should I light it?

Of course.

Listen, miss...

I will personally be grateful to you if you would just look the other way for the next few minutes.

Elaine, Elaine, I don't like this.

My older brother here doesn't like it when I have that... ( snaps fingers )

Instant chemical thing with a total stranger.

I figure it's a million-to-one shot I'll ever see you again, but I'm going to take it.

Go ahead.

You are magic.

Oh, uh, can we have a couple of glasses of champagne, please?

ELAINE: Yes.

Or does she have to flirt with you, too?

Let me just... Thank you.

Alex, stop being a pain and enjoy yourself.

You are obviously with a wildly attractive woman.

Yeah...

I can't figure it out, I mean, I don't know why Phyllis is doing this to me.

I mean, it's not like her. There's something up here.

I mean, not barring me from the wedding.

Not avoiding me.

She lives for confrontations.

Yeah, I think it's terrible, and you know, maybe we should talk about it, but you have always been so touchy about that ex-wife subject.

She'll get around to you later. Don't worry about it.

You have always been so touchy about the ex-wife thing that I just naturally assumed your marriage broke up for the obvious reasons.

What do you mean: obvious reasons?

Well, that you were a heel who couldn't commit to a wife or child.

Humph!

No, Elaine, she walked out on me.

Some nonsense about being a failure.

Of course, that was before they accepted my application at the cab academy.

Oh, my God.

What's wrong?

I think I just saw my ex-wife.

ELAINE: That's Phyllis?

Yes, I think so.

It looks like she put on a couple of extra pounds here and there... and everywhere.

Mmm... Alex!

Hmm?

Oh, look who's... oh!

Look at this!

I finally found you! Beautiful!

You are gorgeous!

Finally, a real welcome.

What do you mean? I have been looking all over for you.

I was afraid you didn't make it.

Are you kidding?

A team of wild ex-wives couldn't keep me away.

You look... oh, excuse me. This is Elaine.

Nardo.

ALEX: Nardo.

Oh, gosh, it's such a pleasure to meet you.

You look so beautiful.

And without makeup.

I couldn't tell from where we were sitting, Oh, where were you sitting? But the detail on the dress...

Oh, uh, well, we had good seats, they were just...

Way back. High.

But fine. But fine.

You were supposed to be seated on the aisle in the third row.

And I wanted you to be in the reception line with us.

Didn't you get the note with my invitation?

No, no, I'm afraid I didn't. No.

Oh, I don't understand how a mistake like this could happen.

Well, what's the difference?

Here... waiter?

Come on.

Huh?

I want you to meet somebody.

Well, who?

Oh, my God.

I would like you to meet my father... Carlo Consuelos.

Father, this is my father, Alex Rieger.

It's a pleasure meeting you at last.

The pleasure is mine.

( laughing )

Hey, it's nice of you to say that, you know that?

He's a nice guy, isn't he?

Mother, what are you doing down there?

Oh, I was just pulling up his socks, dear.

I'll introduce myself later.

Well... look.

If it isn't Alex.

Hello, Phyllis.

CATHY: Mother, Alex was seated way up in the balcony.

Hey, what's the difference? We were there, right?

No, it makes a lot of difference.

I don't understand how a mistake like this could be made, do you, Mother?

( Mumbling )

Darling, why don't you go take your place in the reception line.

There are people who are just hugging and crying over another little girl in a white dress.

Go, go. Go, go.

See you later. That's good.

Well... Alex... 18 years, and at last, a terribly uncomfortable moment.

What's wrong with you?

How come I wasn't invited to the wedding?!

Alex, can't we just chat first?

I mean, we have so much to talk about.

I mean, your life has changed dramatically since I knew you.

I hear they have those electronic meters now.

( Stammering )

Hello. I'm Elaine Nardo.

This is a beautiful wedding.

You must be so happy.

I'm sorry, did you say something?

Yes, I said that I'm Elaine Nardo.

Yes?

And this is a beautiful wedding.

Did you say you were with him?

Uh, no, actually, I didn't, but, yes, I am with Alex.

Oh.

He and I work together at the garage.

Oh, you mean you're a cab driver?

Yes, well, I also work in an art gallery, but, yes, I am a cab driver.

Oh, of course.

There must be female cab drivers.

I mean, where else would all the little cab drivers come from?

( laughing )

It wasn't your fault.

How come I wasn't invited?

I didn't want you there.

Oh.

All right, look, I don't want to hold the line any longer.

I'll just, uh...

I'll just say congratulations and good luck and, uh, remember, you haven't lost a daughter, you've gained a ton.

Phyllis, I was just... I was just joking.

Hello. Hello.

I was just joking. It was just a joke.

Hi. How are you?

ALEX: Phyll!

Phyll... eh... Alex, Huh?

What happened with Mother?

Nothing. Nothing. We just had a chat.

Alex, she's acting real strange and I think I figured out why.

You know, she's gained a few pounds, and she's so vain about it.

Oh, yeah.

I think she was afraid of what you might say if you saw her like this.

Oh... Oh, but that's crazy.

You wouldn't say anything about her weight, would you?

No, no, no... I wouldn't. No.

Why do I feel terrible?

I was shut out of my daughter's wedding, shut out of the reception; my profession has been ridiculed to an extent approaching... truth, so why do I feel guilty?

Because you hurt a woman you once loved on the most important night of her life?

No, that's not it.

Because your daughter will sense her mother's hurt and it'll spoil the one evening that's supposed to be perfect.

That's the one.

Think I better go over there.

That's a very strange thing you have a talent for, Elaine, you know that?

( Clearing throat )

Excuse me, uh, may I cut in, please?

PHYLLIS: Don't let him.

May-May I cut in, please?

He looks like a bad dancer.

Phyllis, we have something to talk about.

Of course, Mr. Rieger.

You two should talk.

Thank you.

A fine gentleman.

Come on, Phyllis, let's dance.

No... No...

Come on, Phyllis, let's dance.

No!

Everybody's watching.

Just dance with me, please. Just dance with me.

This goes here.

Now, come on.

Aha! You've been sneaking out and taking dancing lessons, haven't you?

What is the point of this?

I was afraid I may have hurt your feelings.

You wish you could hurt my feelings.

Look, if I hurt your feelings...

You didn't hurt my feelings.

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.

You're not sorry you hurt my feelings.

Then I did hurt your feelings.

Did I hurt your feelings?

Yes, you hurt my feelings. You have no feelings.

Am I crazy, or was that fun?

No, it's not fun. None of this is fun.

Leave me the hell alone.

Phyllis, come on, we're acting crazy.

We were once married.

Look, I just want to talk to you for five minutes alone in that room, okay?

Come on.

You get your hands off me or I'll charge you for half this wedding.

No.

Okay.

( Coughs )

Um... ( laughs )

Gee, just like our old apartment.

What a nice touch.

Did you plan this this way?

Phyllis, look, I made some remarks about your appearance and I didn't mean them.

I mean, look, it was... I was just angry because you didn't invite me to the wedding.

But you really look terrific and I'm glad we saw each other again.

You took me all the way in here to do what you had to do as badly as you just did it?

I mean, I have Kleenex in my purse getting ready for this moment.

What was that you said?

"I was mad, and I didn't mean it"?

That's the truth. What do you want me to say?

No, it was fine what you said.

Are we finished? I can't tell.

You would think that after 18 years, you could stop criticizing me.

Wouldn't you?

After 18 years, you wouldn't think that you could still make me crazy.

Would you?

Come on, Phyllis. Come on.

Okay, look, we come in here and you tell me I look terrific?

I'm 18 years older.

I'm 30 pounds heavier.

You know, I've let this dress out three times.

It's a month old.

I mean, this is all recent.

You know, I was nervous before the wedding.

I started eating.

What were you nervous about?

Having gained 27 pounds since we last saw each other.

( laughing )

You still have that great sense... That great sense of humor.

I hate being mimicked. I hate it!

You still do, huh?

Yes, I do, yes.

You mean the same old things still annoy you?

Yes.

( laughs )

Aw...

( squeaky ): Whoa-whoa...!

You stop that, stop that, stop that. Testing; just testing.

Just testing.

Yes, the same old things annoy me, yes.

( Clears throat )

( Chuckling )

What were you just thinking?

Nah, no, nothing.

No, come on, what were you thinking?

No, no, no.

I wasn't thinking about the things that annoy me.

I was thinking about, uh, some of the nice things; some of the, ah, well...

Why, Alex... Eh?

What a dirty little mind we have.

No, no, no, no, no. It wasn't dirty.

I was just thinking about some of the, you know, the things that, uh...

I know exactly what you were thinking.

Oh, yeah? What was I thinking?

Yeah, I know exactly. All right, what?

You were thinking...

I was not. No, I know.

I got it, I got it, okay?

Oh, yeah? What?

Come here. What?!

Come here. What?!

Lucky guess. Hah.

( laughing ): You...

But it's true, huh?

I mean... the physical part of our relationship was always pretty fair, huh?

Good.

Good?

Great! It was great!

Yeah, we always knew how to push each other's buttons, didn't we?

But now I don't know whether I can push anybody's buttons anymore... or anybody can push my buttons.

Or find my buttons anymore.

Well, listen, if they ever get up a search party...

Oh, Alex... you are so sweet.

( laughing )

Oh, Phyllis, it's really great being able to say good-bye this way, you know?

Oh, I know. I'm so glad.

Phyllis, Phyllis... Phyllis, come on.

Mm, mm... No, Phyllis...

Oh, Phyllis, no... Ooh, ow, ooh...

( both moaning )

Oh, and to think I didn't want you to be at this wedding.

CATHY: Mother! Alex!

They said you came this way!

I'm cutting the cake.

Hi, kid.

Well... This is the best gift I could've received...

Seeing you two together.

Yeah, well, five minutes later, you would've had a better gift.

You know what I'd really like to see?

You two hugging each other.

Oh, come on, come on, Cathy, please...

Oh, come on, you can do it.

Cathy... For me?

CATHY: Come on.

All right.

For the kid.

Come on.

( laughing )

Whoa, we're just being crazy, you know?

And thank you.

You're welcome.

Come on.

Let's get back to the wedding.

Come on. Come on.

( Theme music playing )


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )