Taxi S3E4 Script

Elaine's Strange Triangle (1980)

( Theme music playing )


How's dinner, Elaine? Hmm?

Good, huh?

Yeah, it's great.

It's great.

I really appreciate this, guys.

Don't thank us, Elaine.

Seeing you cheer up is reward enough.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I know I'm not responding much, but I just don't bounce back the way I used to.

Hey, believe me, no guy's worth getting this upset over.

No?

Elaine, you know what I think you should do?

I think you should go out with someone else right away.

That's a good idea.

I'm not talking about falling in love, or, you know, getting involved.

I mean, just go out with somebody else, but right away.

I don't know anybody else.

Well, what about a stranger?

Maybe she don't know any strangers.

Boy, you got all the answers.

Hey, everybody. Guess what?

I got a part.

TONY: All right!

ALEX: Congratulations.

TONY: This calls for a celebration.

Next round of drinks is on me.

No, no, no.

I got the part, I insist, I want to pay for my own drink. Not a chance.

Hey, Elaine, help me go get 'em?

No, I don't... Come on, come on.

The walk will do you good.

Come on, baby. Put it there. Hey.

Sit down, Bob. Get a chair.

So, tell me, tell me, huh?

What's the part? What's the part?

Well, it's in an off-Broadway play and I've been doing a lot of thinking about it.

Uh, excuse me. Hi.

Are you two together?

Yeah, we're together.

Oh, whoa. You mean she and I?

No, no, no, no, no.

We're just friends.

Uh, I'm Tony Banta, and this is Elaine Nardo.

Pleased to meet you.

Kirk Bradshaw.

And we're pleased to meet you, huh, Elaine?

Yeah, right. Hi.

So, Kirk, you come here often?

Yeah, well, my office is just around the corner.

Oh, yeah, what do you do?

I'm an investment analyst.

Wow...

An invest... an investment analyst.

Uh, small world.

Why, are you an investment analyst?

Nah, cabdriver.

Hey, Kirk, are you married?

No, Tony, I'm not.

Great. I got some people I want you to meet.

Come on over.

Hey, guys.

This is Kirk Bradshaw.

He's an investment analyst from here in New York, and he's not married.

Why do I feel like I'm watching a game show?

Tell us what he's won, Tony.

Kirk, this is Alex, Bobby, Latka, Jim, and of course, you know Elaine.

Oh, sure, we go way back.

JIM: Sit down, Kirk.

Any friend of Elaine's is a friend of ours.

TONY: Yeah, we got a good seat for you right over here.

So, Kirk, let me tell you a little bit about Elaine.

She's a cabdriver, but she also works in an art gallery.

Really? I'm kind of an art buff.

Ooh! Hey, an art buff.

I'm strictly an amateur art buff, of course.

What kind of stuff you like?

Ah, just the simple stuff, I guess.

French impressionists.

French impressionists... That's her favorite.

Oh, my God. Ooh-la-la!

Come on, will ya?

Come on, you're embarrassing her.

No, it's okay. It's okay.

I own a couple of pen and ink drawings by Degas.

Really! You got the real stuff.

Oh, hey, I think Elaine would like to see those.

Oh, I'm really sorry about this.

How about tomorrow night, Elaine?

How about for dinner?

Oh, do you know what you're putting this poor man through?

How about dinner tomorrow night, Elaine?

I'd really like to, seriously.

I'm so embarrassed.

I wish you wouldn't be.

I'd love to show you my drawings.

Oh...

Well, uh... it might be fun.

Um, why don't you call me?

Let me give you my phone number.

Here, here, I'll do it. I'll get it.

BOTH: 5-5-5...

4-2-7... 4-4-2-4.

4-2-7...

ALEX/TONY: 4-2-7-6.

7-6.

Here you go.

5-5... Jim, Jim... we got it.

Nice meeting you all. Nice to meet you, Kirk.

See you tomorrow night, Elaine.

Okay. Bye-bye.

ALEX: So long, Kirk.

Great guy.

Yes, he's very nice. Okay?

Uh, he seemed a little pushy to me.

( Elaine humming )

( Humming continues )

Anybody notice who's been going around singing lately?

Is it me?

Yes. I've certainly noticed a change in a certain person's morale in the last ten days or so.

I'm not denying it.

It goes beyond singing.

I've noticed somebody walking around whistling and giggling like a schoolgirl.

That's a lie.

Not you, Jim... Elaine.

Oh, Elaine, uh, it wouldn't have anything to do with your seeing a lot of this Kirk Bradshaw lately, now would it?

He's a terrific guy.

( Phone ringing ) I'll get it!

So, Elaine, we're pretty good matchmakers, huh?

Oh, will you quit gloating?

Although, I must admit that you picked out a better one for me than I usually do.

Oh, a winner the first time out.

Mr. Banta, congratulations.

Nardo... 928.

Hey, Tony, it's for you.

It's the guy from the gym.

He says you owe a towel fee from April.

He's crazy.

I didn't shower in April.

Hey, Louie, come on, huh?

Get us out of here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, here you go, here you go.

Dames. Sheesh.

"Sheesh," Louie?

Yeah.

No matter how many bums a woman dates, whenever a new one comes along, she thinks this one is going to be Mr. Right.

You ever notice that?

Notice it?

I depend on it.

Come on, Lou.

Rieger, do you hate anything as much as I hate Wheeler?

I doubt it.

Have a terrible evening, Lou.

Same to you, Rieger.

Ignatowski!

Yo.

Starship 314.

LOUIE: Banta, come on, look alive here!

One second, Lou. One second.

Hey, hey. Who are you?

Kirk Bradshaw.

And who are you?

In here, God.

Oh, oh. Kirk.

Kirk Bradshaw.

Oh, you're the young fellow who's dating our Miss Nardo.

That's right.

How far did you get?

Come on. Come on, a little guy-talk here.

Did you hit a home run?

Come on, I'm not going to tell anybody.

I'm not going to tell you anything about my relationship with Elaine.

Well, some friend you are, Kirk.

What was that about?

Aw, he's a jerk.

Hey, so, how you doing, Kirk?

Pretty good.

Pretty good, you son of a gun, you.

You and Elaine seeing a lot of each other.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you son of a gun, you.

That's why I stopped by, I wanted to talk to her.

Well, you just missed her.

She just went out.

Oh? Just as well, I guess.

What's the matter, you two got a problem?

Yeah. I'm afraid so.

I've been meaning to talk to her about it ever since I met her.

I just can't seem to be able to.

Well, sit down.

Tell me about it.

Come on.

See... I'm in a tough spot.

I really like Elaine...

You son of a gun, you.

Tony, the problem is I like somebody else, too.

Oh... somebody else.

Oh, man, that's a problem.

It is a problem, Tony.

I feel bad about it.

I honestly never meant to get involved with Elaine.

Remember the night I came up to you two at the bar?

I said, "Are you two together?"

Yeah, I told you we weren't.

Well, she wasn't the one I was after, Tony.

Oh, no?

No.

Oh, no, no, no, no...

Banta, what the hell's going on here?

You're supposed to be out on the road.

I ain't going, Louie.

I got a problem.

Aw, not again.

The one on the left's the brake.

The one on the right's the gas.

Louie, leave me alone.

Something's really bothering you, huh, Banta?

Yeah.

So, why haven't you unloaded it on Rieger?

'Cause everybody's always unloading on Alex, and it's terrible for him.

I ain't dumping this one on him.

Oh...

Oh, I see what you're getting at.

Well, who else in this cab company would offer the maturity, the character, and poise required to be a real confidant?

Uh...

You pick me or your butt's flying out of here.

No way you can make me tell you this, Louie.

Okay, okay, Tony. All right.

I know exactly how you feel.

I got problems of my own.

You ain't got no problem like this one.

Maybe, maybe not.

I don't know anything about your problems so I really don't know.

But my problems... yecch!

Yecch!

I'll tell you, some of them... ah, I just don't even want to think about them.

Especially... that one.

What one?

Ah, never mind.

Believe me, there's nothing in this world that I'd like better than to share this with another human being.

I mean, just one time to have another person understand what I live with every day of my life.

You know, if there was anybody that I would tell, it would be you, Tony.

My paisano.

( Speaking Italian )

( Speaking Italian )

Aw, I just can't do it.

Unless... Unless what?

Well... if you were to tell me about that little problem of yours...

I mean, just as an act of faith...

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, no, no, never mind, never mind.

This is better kept in the deep, dark recesses of my soul.

Hey, Louie, it's not good to keep things inside you where they can eat at you.

Okay, Lou, let's trade secrets.

Thanks, Tony.

All right, I'll tell you what.

Just so that neither one of us has to say these things out loud, we'll write them on a piece of paper, and then we'll trade secrets.

Good idea, Louie.

Pencil.

Oops. I got it.

Okay.

Oh, I can't go through with this.

I can't go through with this.

Oh, come on, Lou. It will help you.

I think it's helping me. Paisan.

All right, but after, we'll burn the pieces of paper.

Sure.

"The guy Elaine is going out with just made a pass at me"?

Oh...

Now I'll read yours, okay?

"Ha, ha."

Ha, ha.

Hey, Louie... Ha, ha.

You're my favorite, Banta!

( Shouting indistinctly )

Hey, Tony, how's it going?

Not great.

Why aren't you drinking?

I can't... I had to give all my money to Louie.

To Louie?

Hey, let me have a couple of beers.

How come? What for?

Never mind, it's a long story.

Hey, I got something I got ask you... a problem.

What do you call one of them questions that didn't happen but you ask it like it really did?

Hypothetical?

Right... hypothetical.

Okay, let's say you're dating a girl, and you really like her, and she makes a pass at me.

Would you want me to tell you?

How come you're asking me that?

It's just hypothetical.

What are you getting so weird about?

Well, it's kind of a strange question to come out of the clear blue sky, Tony, you know?

Bobby, I'm just asking you...

I know why you're asking me. It's Debbie, isn't it? Huh?

Well, she's pulled that little trick once too often.

I'm going to tell her we're through.

Thanks a lot, Tony. I owe you one.

ELAINE: Bobby, is Tony in there?

BOBBY: Yeah, he's inside.

Tony...

Did Kirk stop by the garage after I left tonight?

Kirk? Yeah.

No, I didn't see any Kirk. No Kirk.

No, I didn't see Kirk. No?

What gave you that idea?

Oh, Alex said he thought he saw him as he was driving off.

Well, I sure didn't see any Kirk.

Hmm... Are you okay?

I'm fine. I just have something on my mind.

Aw, you want to talk about it?

I haven't decided yet.

Mm... well, okay.

Well, I'm going to be home if you want to call, okay?

Thanks, Elaine.

Okay. I got to go. Bye.

Hello, Tony.

Hello?

What's the matter?

You're too sad to talk?

Okay, I do your part for you then.

Hello, Tony.

( Imitates Tony ): Hello, Latka. How you doing there?

Fine. How are you?

Hey, I'm okay. How you doing? I'm all right.

Why don't you sit down, have a seat there.

Well, I'd like to, but I don't have any money.

That's all right. You're my pal.

Pals don't need no money.

Have one on me.

All right. Thank you very much. You're very nice.

Hello?

What's the matter, you have the blues?

Well, why don't you order some drinks, and we can talk about it.

I can't. I got no money.

And, anyway, I don't think you'd understand my problem.

Yes, I would.

I don't think so.

You know anything about bisexuals?

Of course. They are very popular in my country.

They are?

Yeah. Oh, almost everybody have them.

And, uh, one of our favorite sports is racing them.

And when we are not... when we are not using them, we have special racks where we chain them up at night.

Latka, I'm not talking about bicycles.

I'm talking about bisexuals.

So am I.

Listen, I hope that you feel better, all right?

Good-bye. Take it easy.

Hi, Latka.

Hello, Alex.

Hi, Tony.

Hi, Alex.

Can I have a beer, Charlie?

Hey, Alex, uh... Yeah?

I really tried to work this out myself but, uh...

I got the worst problem of my whole life, Alex.

Now, hold it, hold it. Hold it right there.

Just hold it right there.

I've decided I'm not going to listen to any more sentences that start like that.

Now, wait... No, I'm serious.

There are a lot of sentences that I will listen to...

I mean, ones that start with, "Alex, I'd like to pass on a compliment."

"Alex, I've got a woman for you."

"Alex, I want to give you money."

Those are sentences I will listen to.

But, "Alex, I've got the worst problem of my life" is right up there with, "Alex, is that thing on your neck getting any bigger?"

I don't want to hear that.

No, I'm through listening to them.

I'm through solving other people's problems.

I'm no longer in that line of work.

The office is closed.

The doctor is out.

Sally doesn't live here anymore.

You finished?

Yes. What's your problem?

Oh...

Oh, Alex, I really did try to spare you from this, but, uh, I'm not so sure the guy that Elaine's going out with is right for her.

That's your problem?

Tony, Tony, what are you worried about?

We picked a winner.

ALEX: That's your problem?

Besides, who are we to decide who's right or wrong for Elaine?

Yeah, that's right, except for one thing.

Nothing.

Well, except this one thing.

What one thing?

He wants to date me.

No... Yeah...

No. You must have misinterpreted what he meant.

Well, he said my simplicity was engaging, and that we'd be wonderful together.

Oh, no.

See, now, the point is, here, Alex, is this could go rough on Elaine.

If she's getting serious about him, she should know.

So should I tell her?

No. I say he ought to tell her.

Someone's got to talk to Kirk and set him straight, as it were.

Thanks, Alex.

Let me know how it turns out.

No! No! No! I'm not going to do it.

For once in my life, I am not going to let this thing get dumped in my lap.

You tell him.

All right, I know it's my job.

But you think you could come along with me?

I mean, you don't have to say nothing.

All you got to do is sit there and be a buddy.

Come on, Alex. Please, please, please, please.

All right, all right.

I don't understand.

Why can't you do this by yourself?

I can't be alone with him.

I'm the one he spends tortured nights dreaming about.

He said that?

No. I'm just assuming.

KIRK: Alex.

Oh, hi, Kirk.

Hello. Hi.

How you doing?

Is Tony here yet?

No. He called and said he'd be delayed.

Oh.

That gives us a chance to chat.

Yeah, sure, okay.

This is a gay bar, isn't it?

Yeah, sure.

This your first time here?

Oh, yes, yes.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean by saying "yes" so quickly that it'd be terrible if I'd been here before, because, well, actually, it would not have been terrible if I'd been here before.

You know, I've been meaning to.

Just out of curiosity, of course.

I don't mean you're a curiosity, but I, I mean...

Let's not chat anymore.

I used to be such a good chatter, you know.

Look, uh, Kirk, I... I have a really terrible... uh, difficult thing to talk to you about, and I don't even know how to start.

Alex, I think I can guess what you're trying to tell me.

You can?

But I've already told Elaine that I'm bisexual.

Shh.

Oh, okay. It's okay here.

I'm sorry.

Anyway, we're still friends, and we had a fine talk.

Oh, and by the way, I understand that Tony's not interested and that's okay, too.

Oh... wow.

Can we have a couple of beers?

Sure. Hey, Chief, can we get a couple of beers?

Well, I thought this was going to be difficult, but instead, it's a snap.

Boy, am I a lucky guy.

Excuse me. Would you like to dance?

Just for the sake of optimism, no, go ahead, I don't mind.

No, I meant you.

Oh, no, no. I'm just having a beer with a pal. Thanks.

Come on, don't be shy.

No, no, no, no, I really can't.

( Dance music playing )

It's okay with me.

Whoa.

♪ ♪

( muttering )

Oh, good step.

Duck! What?

Thanks, pal. Thank you very much.

Yeah, one, two, three, ha!

One, two, three, go!

One, two, three, step!

One, two, three, dance!

One, two, three, dance!

( Dance music continues )

( All cheering and whooping )

( All shouting encouragement )

( louder cheers )

( Rhythmic clapping )

( Cheering and dance music continue )

( Wild cheering )

( Crowd screaming )

Alex, Elaine's heart is getting broken.

You're having a great time here dancing.

I'll never understand how you could have let that happen.

I don't care what you say.

I would never dance with that guy.

No, not you, you little heartbreaker.

Give me my trophy.

( Stifled chuckle )

( Chuckling )

Hi, guys.

Hiya, Jim.

Hey, Jim, what do you say?

Hey, Alex, what's that for?

For acting like a jerk.

Why doesn't anybody ever tell me about these contests?

( Theme music playing )


WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )