Taxi S3E7 Script

The Call of the Mild (1981)

( Theme music playing )

Hey, hey! Here it is! Here it is, I'm on! I'm on!

( Dramatic music plays ) ( mumbles )

ANNOUNCER: You're 11,000 feet high in the mountains.

You've brought down your last tree and then you sense it... That BrickHauser feeling.

You're ready for America's boldest beer.

BrickHauser, the beer as cold and bold as the mountains themselves.

( Elaine screaming )

( All talking at once )

You were great.

ELAINE: You were brilliant. It was a very good performance.

Thanks, Louie.

I'm not talking about you, ham hock.

I'm talking about this little show your friends are putting on.

( All murmuring )

You know, the best part about shooting that commercial was where we got to shoot it.

Three days up in the mountains... it was just great.

Ever since I finished it I've been thinking about going back up there and spending some time, some weekend there.

Sounds good.

Hey, you want to go?

Hey, that sounds great.

Why don't we do it this weekend?

Why don't we do it for the whole week?

Huh? Yeah.

Yeah? Just us men against the elements.

All right. I'd like to get some money down on the elements.

Come on. What would the two of you do up in the mountains for a whole week?

What do you mean, what would we do up in the mountains?

We'd do what everybody does in the mountains.

Like what?

Mountain stuff.

Hey, I'm starting to get excited.

What are we going to bring?

Alex? Huh?

You got to talk them out of this.

Me? Yeah.

Well, what would you like me to say to them?

It's winter.

Do you realize that they have absolutely no experience in the wilderness?

Do you realize how dangerous that could be?

Besides which, they'll lose a week of work.

That's right.

Hey, guys... count me in.

I'm going.

All right. Great.

Whoo! All right!

It's kind of chilly up there this time of year.

Yeah. So I think we got to get a place with a heated pool.

No, no. No, no.

Tony, Tony, I-I-I want basic, you know?

I want primitive.

I don't want any electricity, telephones...

No conveniences.

I've got just the place.

ALEX: Where?

My apartment.

Jim, we were talking about something far out. Hey...

Let me rephrase that.

We were talking about in the mountains.

Oh, okay.

Well, then let's just find the place in the mountains.

Great idea.

Hey, you want to go, Jim?

Uh... yeah.

You know...

I do have, uh, some experience in these matters.

I used to live in a commune, you know.

BOBBY: Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah.

Boy, we really roughed it.

Grew our own food, churned our own butter... eh... built our own shelters.

Anything we couldn't make for ourselves we traded for with another commune.

I had the best years of my life there.

If it was so wonderful, why'd you leave?

Uh... they traded me...

( grunts )

For a couple of goats... and a, uh, and a Donovan album.

I yearn for the wide-open spaces.

Try looking between your ears.

Well, uh, even with Jim along, I think it might be rough.

Hey, we want it rough, Elaine.

TONY: Yeah!

We want to test our mettle. We want to stand face to face with nature in its most raw.

Sounds stupid.

( Mutters ) You don't understand it because you're a woman, Elaine.

I have no idea why I don't understand it.

BOBBY: Look at this place, huh?

We're in the middle of nowhere.

How far did we come from your place?

About 106 miles.

106 miles?

It's more like 106 miles since we left anything resembling a road.

Well, it's not too late to go back.

Hi, guys.

I love this.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

It's so quiet here you can actually hear yourself think.

I can't hear anything.

Anybody have a gun?

That's okay.

He's harmless.

No, I mean for hunting.

Ain't you going to do some hunting?

No, no, we don't... We're not interested in hunting.

Well, you're gonna be up here for a week, shouldn't you at least have brought a gun along for protection?

Protection, from what?

Never know this far up.

Listen, I'd better leave you one of my rifles just in case.

I'd feel better if I did.


TONY: Hey, look at this, man.

There's only one bed in this place.

A bed.

Which one of you men wants a bed?

Not me.

Not a chance.

You kidding?


It's loaded, so be careful.

All right.

We'll leave it over here in case you need it.

Maybe I better come up tomorrow or the next day and check on you guys.

Oh, no, really. There's no need for that.

We can handle ourselves.

Okay. I won't be back for a week and there's nobody else around here so, uh, if you're worried about anything think of it now.

Hey, we're fine.

TONY: Yeah, we're fine. We're, okay.

Wait a minute.

Sir... Alex, come on, we're okay.

Okay, okay, fine. Thanks.

Wait a minute, sir.

How can we reach you?

Do you have a phone?

Yeah, I got a phone.

Oh, great!

But you don't.

Sir, one second.

Where's the nearest phone?

Well, that would be the one at my place.

Your place.

I'll see you Sunday.

You're a long way from the city, boys.

I hope you know what you're doing.

Pleasant sort.

What did he have to go and say something like that for?

Hey, the guy lives in the woods.

He probably talks to birds and squirrels.

Come on, let's unpack.

Hey, we better.

Our food's thawing out here.

Look at this, the stuff is dripping.

Come on, let's get this to the refrigerator.

Would you look at us... Looking for a refrigerator.

There's no electricity here.

Without a refrigerator all the food's gonna go bad.

With no food and no way out of here, we'll be dead by Wednesday.

( laughing )

Mountain man! Mountain man!

Mountain man!

It's too late. He left.

We're going to die.

Nobody's gonna die.

We just got to use our heads.

No-no time to panic now.

Hey, I got an idea. It's a lot colder outside the cabin than it is inside, right?

Right, we can put stuff outside.

Oh... Oh, terrific! Hey!

Hey, I wish that guy could see us now, huh?

Yeah, we'll show old Hiawatha who can handle themselves, right?

Where does he come off trying to make us look so stupid?

BOBBY: You're telling me.

This is just great, everybody.

I mean, we're doing it, we are handling ourselves.

We're surviving.

That's what it's all about, right?

We don't need refrigeration, we don't need electricity.

BOBBY: Oh, boy, we're going to have a great week.

Check out the birdies and everything like that.

I love hiking. Hiking's one of my favorites.

Oh, yeah, we can do that, too.

Were you in the scouts?

I was when I was a little guy.

The little old mountain man must have thought we were city slickers, huh?

How about that gun?

Yeah, protection, right?


BOBBY: How's it going? All right?

I don't know what you guys are worried about.

There's a whole ton of food out there.

Let's get to work.

( Alex groans )

Oh, boy.

Isn't this a great feeling?

You mean waking up in the mountains?

No, getting off the damn floor.

Did anybody get a good night's sleep last night?

I kept on being awakened by the growls of some big, hairy animal.

( Snoring )

There it is again.

Wake up, Jim.

Where the hell am I?

It's okay, Jim.

It's okay, it's okay.

You're in the mountains.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, right.

Who are you?

I'm your friend Alex, Alex Rieger.

We work together.

Oh, oh.

What are we, lumberjacks?

No, we're cab drivers.

Oh, I bet we don't do much business up here.

You okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm all right now.

I think my brains are beginning to warm up.

I'm starving, huh?

What's for breakfast?

Well, I'll just go rustle up some grub from our little old refrigerator in the woods.

Now, what would you big lugs like?

Why don't you surprise us?

I'll do that.

Oh, wow.

You know, I'm really starting to feel great.

I could just spend the rest of my life up here.

Something ate all our food!

We're going to die.

We're going to die.

We're 100 miles from nowhere, and nobody's coming up for us for a week, and all our food is gone. Bob...

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You know what we're doing wrong?

We're not thinking like outdoorsmen.

What did the pioneers do in a situation like this?

They built cities and moved into them.

Come on, now, I'm being serious.

We're just going to have to use our heads again.


Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I'm a fisherman. I brought my fishing tackle.

I'll fish.

I like fish.

Hey, Tony, you can go kill something.

What are you talking about?

Well, Mark Trail, he left us his gun here, right?

You can go hunt.

Why me?

Well, because you've fired a gun before.

You were in the service, remember? Mmm?

Oh, yeah.

Okay. Uh... Hey, what am I after?

Why don't you get us some steaks?

Bobby, he's not going to hold up a supermarket.

You shoot anything you find, Tony. Anything.


ALEX: Well, I'll just get my fishing tackle ready and I'll head for the stream.

Okay. I'm going to go forage.

Hey, good idea.

What does "forage" mean?

Close the door!

Man, it's getting cold outside.

Yeah, what did you shoot?

Nothing. There ain't an animal around here.

That's crazy, Tony. This is the woods.

Maybe word got out that I'm around.


BOBBY: Well? Well?

What did you catch? What did you catch?

See for yourself.

Huh? Huh? Well? Huh?

That the bait you used?

Bait? That's my catch.

Well, do they puff up when you cook 'em?

Well, it's the only kind of fish I could find in the stream.

What did you even bring them back here for?

I thought you'd be impressed by the number I caught.

This one really put up a fight.

We're going to die.

Isn't anybody going to contradict me?

Hey, look, guys. It ain't that bad.

I mean, tomorrow Alex can go out and fish some more, and I'll do some hunting.

I'm telling you, it's going to be a lot easier tracking animals in the snow.

The snow?

Hey, Bobby, look, it's snowing.

Ain't it great? Big flakes!

ALEX: Oh, no.

Now they can take our bodies down the mountain in a toboggan.

( Wind whistling )

Somebody better fix this door.

Who's hungry?

You found something?



Oh, blueberries! Oh!

Bobby, Bobby! I don't think they're blueberries.

Sure they are.

No, I mean they're blue berries, but I don't think they're blueberries.

These may be poisonous.

Excuse me, Alex.

I've eaten blueberries before, and they're not poisonous.

I know blueberries aren't, but these are not blueberries.

They look pretty darn blue to me.

Jim, I know they're blue berries.

What I'm saying is, they may not be blueberries.

And while all blue berries are blue not all blue berries are blueberries.

I-I-I see.

I've mistaken blue berries for blueberries.


Got you, Alex.

Cabin fever.

I was doing fine with my hunger for six days.

I just kept telling myself that guide's coming back Sunday.

And then when he didn't show up yesterday...

Oh, my hunger is really getting to me.

Well, let me tell you something.

If it's the snow that's keeping him away it's going to be a while before he gets here.

It's really deep.

Oh, my God.

What if it isn't the snow?

Maybe he died.

Maybe he had a heart attack.

That would be much too easy a death for the guy who rented us this cabin.

This is all your fault, Bobby.

My fault?

Yeah! If you would have gotten a pineapple commercial we'd be in Hawaii now... eating!

Come on, Tony, Tony, remember our deal?

No talk about food or eating.

Oh, oh. Thank God for those minnows and blueberries.

I don't think we would have made it this far.


He didn't mean blue berries, Alex.

He meant blueberries.


What time is it?

ALEX: Why?

Well, if it's 4:00, I get to suck the fish bones again.

You still got an hour.

You know, Alex, this is working.

You said we shouldn't think about food and I'm sitting over here not thinking about food and I feel a lot better.

That's good. That's good, Jim. That's good.

I'm not thinking about cheeseburgers.

I'm not thinking about pork chops.

I'm not thinking about pot roast.

I'm not thinking about Twinkies.

And I'm not thinking...

Jim! Jim... would you go out and get us some more wood, please?

I'm not thinking about minestrone.

I'm not thinking about peas.

Hey, you know something?

I'm full.

Hey, look. Look, guys.

We're not licked yet, you know?

We can still try hunting.

Listen, I've been out, and I've been out, and I'm telling you there's nothing to shoot out there.

Well, that doesn't mean you won't find something today.

Yeah, listen, we can't give up.

It's a waste of time.

Well, what are we going to do?

Sit here and wait for dinner to walk through the door?

( Sucking noises )

Jim! Hey, Jim, what are you doing?

Huh? What are you doing?

( loud sucking )

What are you ( sucks ) about?

I'm going ( sucks ) to get his attention.

Oh, you mean the guide's back?

Oh! Don't scare it away! Don't scare it away.

Oh, my gosh, it's some kind of large animal.

I think it's a big duck.

It's a turkey.

Ernie? Ernie's a turkey?

ALEX: Ernie?

Well, doesn't he look like an Ernie?

Let's get it! Let's get it!

Come on. Come on.

BOBBY: Come here!

Hey, this is crazy! Let's go get the gun!

ALEX: Oh, the gun!

Here, Tony. You're the hunter.

Uh-uh. I been hunting for a big ugly moose.

I ain't shooting no little birdie.


I don't want to do it, Alex. I've never killed anything.

Well, I've never killed anything either.

But you've got the gun.

Oh, damn.

He does look like an Ernie.

Oh, boy.


( Tony chuckles softly )

Man, I hope this thing tastes good.

I never cooked nothing without directions before.

Oh, don't worry. It's going to taste great.

Come on, Alex, let's eat.

Come on, Alex.

You couldn't help yourself. Come on.

TONY: Come on, Alex. What were we supposed to do, starve?

BOBBY: Yeah. It was him or us. Come on, come on. Eat, eat.

Yeah, maybe you're right. Right, right.

Ah, come on, let's eat. Dig in. Dig in.

I think maybe we should say grace.

Are you nuts?

We haven't had a meal in a week.

All the more reason why we should give thanks.

Hey, I'm eating.

No, no, no, no. Maybe he's right.

Look, we waited this long, we can wait a little longer.

Go ahead, Jim.

Lord, we know this bird was one of Your miracles.

No easier to create... than a billion stars or a single grain of sand.

It was a truly magnificent creature, Your Honor.

And if we hadn't gotten so hungry, Your faithful servant Alex here... would never have snuck up on it and blown its brains out...

But we grieve that one of Your creatures should have been sacrificed.

Though he could not think, he could feel.

And now he will never again walk Your good earth, smell the sweet air...

experience the glory of flying in Your heavens.

Taken from him is the precious gift of life.

One small innocent being lies here lifeless...

and we are diminished.


ALL: Amen.

That's mine!

Save some for me!

Louie, I'm going to go home now.

So, uh, if Alex or any of the guys calls, would you call me at home, okay?

Do you have my number?

I always thought so.

Louie, please.

This is serious.

I'm really concerned about the guys so just knock it off.

Hey, I'm concerned too. I'm worried sick.

Yeah, right.

( Phone ringing )

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Sunshine Cab.


Rieger, you okay?

Let me talk to him.

Yeah? Oh, hang on a second.

There's somebody here who wants to talk to you.

Nardo, Nardo. Come in here and talk to him.



Oh, my God!

I've been so worried about you guys!

Oh, my God!

What happened? Tell me everything.


You're kidding me.

Oh, my G...

See, I knew it. I knew it, I knew it.

I told you guys this.

So what did Bobby do?

( Giggling )

I love this story!

I love it, I love it, I love it.

Jim, oh, my God!

This is amazing.

They had to get snow plows?

I can't believe it.

I just don't believe...

Wait till everybody at the garage hears this.

You guys must be exhausted.

My God.

( Elaine screams )


( Crashing )

Uh... hey, Rieger.

How you doing there?

Oh, oh, oh, Elaine?

Yeah, she did seem a little upset.

What the hell did you say to her?

( Theme music playing )

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )