Taxi S3E8 Script

Latka's Cookies (1981)

( Theme music playing )


Oh, Louie, hello.

Just the man I'm looking for.

Do you have the correct time?

My watch stopped.

The correct time is you're eight minutes late.

Oh, thank you.

Hold it, here, hold it.

This is serious.

I hope you got a good excuse why you're late.

Well, do you think that helping someone who was almost killed in an automobile accident is a good excuse?


Then you're going to hate mine.

Hold it, hold it.

I'll let you off the hook this time

'cause you're not usually late, but get to work!


Hey, Latka, is everything okay?

Oh, yeah, everything is fine.

The reason I was late is because I was dancing around my apartment with joy.

Oh, yeah? Hey, what happened?

My beloved grandmother died.

That's good news?

No, that's terrible news.

Bobby, what kind of a person are you?


The-the reason it's good news is because she left me something very valuable in her will.

ALL: Oooh.

What? What?


She left you cookies?

But not just any cookies.

See, people used to come from miles around just to eat her cookies.

And so last night I go to the post office and I pick up the recipe and the package with the ingredients and I baked a batch.

You want to try?

ALL: Yeah.

I love grandmothers' cookies.

I love them.

Dig in, I hope you enjoy them.

Well, enjoy.


What do you say?

Well, they're, uh, not bad.

Did you swallow yet?

Did you swallow?

Mine seems to be getting larger.

I feel like I'm going to be chewing for the rest of my life.

You mean, you don't like them?

Well... it's just... it's just... it's just the first taste.

I mean, maybe tomorrow we could have another bite.

You don't like them.

No, no, no. Latka.

You know, tastes vary.

Tastes very what?

No, no, no.

Latka, what I'm trying to say is that, you know, maybe the people in your country would love them, but they might not taste the same to the people in our country.

I mean, that's perfectly understandable, don't you think?

I think that the people in America will love my cookies.

And I think I am going to sell them in the stores.

That's it, Latka.

I told you to get back to work, you foreign dog.

Now get back to work.

What? Foreign dog?

I don't have to take this from you.

I don't even need this job.

I have the cookies.

And I am going to be rich and famous just like the famous Amos...

The chocolate chip cookie tycoon.

Oh, yeah? Latka, I'm warning you.

No, Louie, I'm warning you.

You're warning me when I'm warning you?

I am warning you.

Yeah? You're warning me?

Yes. I am quitting.

Oh, no, you're not, Latka. You're not going to quit, because I'm going to fire you.

You cannot fire me if I am going to quit.

No, no, no. You can't quit because I'm firing you!

But you cannot fire me if I quit first.

I quit! You're fired!

I said it first.

No, you didn't.

I quit! You're fired!

I said it first again.

It doesn't matter who says it first.

It's who says it loudest.

You're fired!

You're fired! You're fired! You're fired!

I quit! I quit! I quit!

I can't hear you. You're fired! You're fired!

I can't hear you. I quit! I quit! I quit!

You're fired! You're fired! You're fired!


But I quit.

You're fired.

I'm fired.

You quit!

Thank you very much.

How you doing, Jeff?

The engine's back together.

Got a few pieces left over.

Close enough.

I'll give this cab to Wheeler.


I don't know what I'm doing.

It's only temporary... Just until I can find somebody who will work as cheap as the guy I fired.

ALL: He quit!

Hey, Lou, want to have one of Latka's cookies?

I don't want any of his crummy cookies and I don't his name mentioned in this garage again.

Why, Lou?

You miss him?

I had gas I miss more than the guy I fired.

ALL: He quit!

You know, I'm really starting to like these.

I don't actually like them, but they're fun to chew.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

They kind of grow on you.

And they last forever in your mouth.

I put one on the bedpost last night.

Started on it again this morning.

Grandma Gravas' cookies might catch on.

I understand there are four stores willing to try them out.

Hmm? Yeah.

Can you imagine Latka rich?

I'm back!

Hey, Jim!

Hey, Jim, welcome back.

ELAINE: So how was your trip?

Ah, great.

Omaha is lovely this time of year.

I thought you were hitchhiking to Washington.

I did too, but I ended up in Omaha.

I must have used the wrong thumb.

LOUIE: All right, let's get some cabs on the road here.

Nardo, 316!

Yeah, just a second.

Wheeler, 441!

Banta, 221!

Rieger, 544!

See you guys.

Hey, Jim.


( Mumbling )

It's great to be back!

( Sighs )

Well, boss... I'm back from my vacation.

You didn't happen to run into your brains while you were out there, did you?

No, but I wasn't really looking.

Well, I'll have a cab for you in a minute, Gulliver.


What's all these cookies?

They were baked by a guy I fired.

ALL: He quit!


They got a nice little surprise inside.

What are you talking about?

Well, I could be wrong... but I detect something in here that's a lot more powerful than oatmeal.

What's in them? What's in them?

Well, let's check this out here.

Coca leaves.

Coca leaves?


You mean, the stuff they make cocaine out of?


Yeah, from, uh... South America.

( Sniffing )

Peru, I believe.

( Spits )

Southern Peru.

'74, before the rains.

Poignant, but not overbearing.

Are you telling me that Latka is selling cookies with drugs in them?


Well, my duty as a citizen is clear-cut.

Yeah. Jeff?

Get the police on the phone.

What do these, uh, coca leaves do to you?

Well, if you chew them for a while you get a feeling of euphoria, increased energy, strength and stamina.

It's also rumored to heighten your sexual desires.

And it makes you see beauty in the most repulsive things.

Did anyone ever tell you that you have the most adorable ear?

Police are on the phone, Louie.

Tell them to mind their own business.

( Chuckling )

Oh, Elaine?

She's not here.

What you got there, Lou?

Ah, nothing.

( Chuckling )

Hey, Lou!

Have you been noticing anything strange about me lately?

Uh... strange?


No, no, no.

Nothing strange.

I don't know.

Feel like I'm sort of... happy.

I got all this energy, you know?


So last night I had a little trouble falling asleep, so I wrote an opera.

An-an opera?

Yeah. I never thought about writing an opera before, but it sounded like it would be fun.

It was. I'm going to write another one tonight.

It just looks like, to me that you're in a good mood.

Yeah, well, maybe.

I wonder if any of the others are feeling this way?

I haven't noticed anything.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Bob!

What are you doing?


What are you doing?

Afternoon Of The Faun.

There is definitely something weird going on here.


Oh, Elaine.

Listen, uh... Uh... Nardo.

Have a cookie?

Oh, yes, thank you.

I've run out.

Louie, I've been having the most incredible perceptions today.

Do you realize the entire human experience of the universe can be summed up in one sentence?

Do I! Hold that thought.

Why don't you come on into my cage here and we'll talk about that... and sit right there... and we'll have some cookies... and a touch of the bubbly to wash them down your pretty little gullet.

No, no, no, Louie.

Louie, I'm serious.

I don't know why I never saw it before.

I have verifiable proof of the existence of God.

Later, later... This stuff gets flat.

Damn it, I'm telling you there's something wrong here.

Bobby Wheeler is turning into a gazelle...

Elaine Nardo is in the chamber of horrors...

Here's the weirdest thing of all.

I'm standing here in the garage on my day off.

And I came in here just because I wanted, uh... some more cookies... Hey, Lou!

There's something wrong with these cookies.

Rieger, you're being a real drip.

No, I'm telling you, Lou, it's the cookies; they're doing something to us.

No, everybody's just having a good time.

Look at Banta, here.

He's eaten a billion of them.

There's nothing the matter with him.

Tony, how you feeling?

I'm fine.


Ah, well, maybe you're right.

Maybe I am imagining it.

Anybody want any coffee?

ALEX: Yeah, I'll have some.

( Muttering native language )

( Speaking native language )



( Knocking at door )

Come in.

( Muttering native language )

Latka... Hello, Alex.

How are you?

Fine. Lat... ( speaking native language )

About 24 bags by tomorrow... supermarket, you know... Look, Latka...

Isn't it wonderful how so much success I'm having with these cookies? Everyone loves them so much!

You know, and I'm going to be rich and famous like Famous Amos, you know, but, you know, I would trade it all if I would only stop talking for one minute.

Latka, Latka, stop.

Latka, listen to me.

There's a drug in those cookies.

( Gasps )

No... no.

No... Now, Latka, Jim says there's coca leaves in them.


Coca leaves.

Coca leaves?

Oh... that must be the secret ingredient.


That means it's going to ruin me.

I will not be able to sell my cookies anymore.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

Now I cannot do it and my dream is gone.

Oh. No.

( Speaking native language )

This explains why my grandmother's cookies were so popular with musicians in my country.

Latka, you think your grandmother knew that there was a drug in these cookies?

Oh, no, no, no. She would not know that.

She was a very good woman, Alex.

A very busy, good woman.

She was always knitting doilies, you know?

A doily here, a doily there, Yeah.

Doilies everywhere.

"Merry Christmas, Latka. Here is a doily for you."

Oh, everywhere you look is doilies.

I'd like to give you a doily, you old bag!

I'll give you a doily!

I'll give you a doily!

Latka, Latka, Latka, calm down. Calm down.

Oh, oh, oh, but what is happening to me, Alex?

I used to be such a sweet man.

I used to be so cute you could eat me up.

Yes, yes, yes.

I know you were. I know you were.

But that's what happens to you when you take that drug.


That's why you got to kick it right now, right tonight.

You hear me? You got to get rid of this.

How am I going to do it?

Well, look, first of all we got...

No more cookies. Yeah?

We're going to get rid of all these cookies.

That's a good idea.

We'll start with this one.

No, no, no.

Latka, sit down. Sit down.

Listen to me. Look...

It's going to be a very tough night for you.

I mean, you're going to get nervous, you're going to get anxious.

You might even get sick.

You might even have hallucinations, delirium.

Latka, you're looking at the worst night of your life.

Now, I don't want you to worry about it.

I'm going to be right here going through the whole thing with you.

Thank you very much.

Alex, all my dreams are gone.

I thought I was going to be rich and famous like the Famous Amos. See?

But now is nothing.

I thought I was going to finally get out of the garage.

You know, I did not want to be rich for the same reasons that other men want to be rich.

Oh, you mean not for the houses, the cars or the women?

Oh, maybe it was the same reasons.

But you know, I want to think... but... you know... you know...

Let's try to get some sleep, all right?

I'll try. I don't know if I could.

I'm going to stay up and watch you all night, okay?

All right, thank you.

Famous Amos.

I... I don't believe it.

What's happening, Latka?

I don't know.

What's happening to you?

Boy. Welcome to my home.

Thank you, but I'm not really here.

You're hallucinating.

Oh... I'm only in your mind.

Well, then welcome to my mind.

If I knew you were coming I would have cleaned it up a bit.

Listen, man, I heard what happened to your cookies.

It's a tough break.

Oh, that's nice of you to say.

I came by because I wanted to say that success, fame, fortune... All that stuff...

It's truly overrated.


I wanted to tell you that the really important things in life are the simple things.

Oh, the simple things.

A sunset. Yeah.

The smelling of a flower. Mmm...

I'd like to tell you all of those things, Latka, but I can't. Why?

'Cause it's a crock.

A crock?

That's right, a crock.

Hey, man, success is wonderful. Yeah?

Cash is out of sight. Oh...

Do whatever you can to be successful

'cause it's great. Great.

And if it happens overnight, it's even better.

Hey, your cookies went down the tubes... big deal.

Big deal.

Try cupcakes.

Try jelly rolls.

Aluminum siding.

Aluminum siding.

What's the difference?

Nothing at all.

Just get rich.

These are wonderful words.

Man, I just want to try to help, you know?

Well, thank you very much.

Give me five.

Keep the change.

( Muttering )


Bye-bye, Famous Amos.

Thank you for the hallucination.

It was wonderful.

Maybe we do it again sometime.

Oh, boy.

Alex. Alex, wake up.

Alex, wake up. Hmm?

I have something to tell you.

I just found out something very important about myself.

Alex, I want to be richer than anything.

I want to be richer than the Joneses.

I want to make lots of money, as much as I can.

I want to be rolling in money.

Alex... you know something?

I just became an American.

( Theme music playing )

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )