Taxi S3E9 Script

Thy Boss' Wife (1981)

( Theme music playing )

Yes. Yes, Mr. McKenzie.

Oh, yes. I understand, sir.


When your wife comes in, tell her you're not here.

Yeah. Very good, sir.

Oh, uh, by the way, uh, Mr. McKenzie, have I ever told you that you have a magnificent telephone voice?

Uh, well, have I told you today?

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I'm sorry.

I was under the impression you liked it kissed.


Oh, hi, Elaine.


Hey, listen, I got a couple new exercises in that class I'm taking.

Oh, the pantomime class.

Yeah, you know, this mime stuff, it's really helping me in my, in my stage presence, you know?

You want to see a couple exercises?

Yeah, okay. Okay.

Now, this is called "Man Walking."

That's a man walking, all right.

Yeah? Yeah?

Hey, I got one.


Tony, what is that supposed to be?

That's "A Man Standing in Garage."

No, that's "Dumb Man Standing in the Garage."

I love this.

A duel of wits between unarmed opponents.

BOBBY: Hey, Elaine, you want to see some more? Want to see another one?

Oh, yeah, yeah, come on. Okay, this is a classic.

This is called "Man in Glass Cubicle." Okay?

When did they put that in here?

No, no, no. Jim, uh, this is pantomime.

It's just an exercise from Bobby's acting class.

Oh... I see.

Can he hear us in there?

Ignatowski, why don't you try renting out that vacant lot between your ears?


M-Mrs. McKenzie.

( Slamming thud )

( Nervous laughter )

Don't you look lovely today?

Thank you, Louie.

Eh... thank you. Thank you for coming into the garage and brightening up my day.

Is my husband in?

Uh... Mr. McKenzie?

Uh, no, no, no. I'm afraid, I'm afraid that you, uh, you just missed him.

Uh, as a matter of fact, he just left here with a couple of business associates...

Louie, if I find out that you're lying I'm gonna roll up your tongue and stick a toothpick through it.

( Stammers ): What was the question again?

Is my husband in?

( Chuckles ) Oh, your husband's in.

Yeah! I-I-I-I lost my head.

Uh, would you like me to call him and tell him you're coming up?

No. I want to surprise him.

See, if he knew I was here, that bloated gasbag would be escaping out the back window.

Well-well, I think I speak for the rest of us when I say I hope that you and that bloated gasbag patch up that little tiff you're having.

Ooh, ha-ha!

Ooh, boy!

( Cackles )

What's so funny, Louie?

It's happening again.

"Mrs. McKenzie's revenge."


I picked up a touch of that in Mexico one summer.

Shut up.

Now, listen here.

I'm going to tell you a story that I think you're going to like.

It doesn't happen very often, but every now and then Mr. and Mrs. McKenzie have a fight and they go at it hammer and tong, as you can well imagine.

Well, as soon as it's over, she comes out of that door swoops down here and picks out some poor, unsuspecting cabby and invites him home to dinner.

Oh, my God.

That's the most horrifying story I've ever heard.

Shut up, will you?

All right, it's not dinner that she wants to take him home for.

What she's really interested in is a little mattress magic.

( Imitating mattress squeaking )

Come on.

Louie, this sounds like one of your little sweaty fantasies.

( Louie chuckles )

I mean, why would she pick a cabby?

Well, she wants to humiliate her husband.

And what better way to do that than to fool around with one of his employees?

But wait a minute, you haven't heard the worst part yet.

Once she's done with the poor jerk she goes right to her husband and tells him.

As soon as McKenzie hears about it it's bye-bye to that dumb cabby.

You mean the guy loses his job?


I mean... he vanishes.

( Imitates whooshing )

Like he was never born.

I can't even find his records the next day.

All a guy has to do is turn her down.

No, no, no, no, no.

Not with this dame.

I mean, with her, even if you don't, she tells her husband you did.

Either way, you're history. ( grunts )

I don't believe this, Louie.

Well, you better believe it, Banta, because she always picks the young, good-looking ones.

( Chuckles )

The way I figure it, either you or Wheeler are doomed.

I'm hoping she notices Wheeler's got the better nose.

You know, Louie, I hate to deprive you of your pleasure, but I'm not buying any of this.

Oh, no? No.

Well, neither did Curly Melnick.

He scoffed at me, too.

And the last time I saw Curly, he was walking out that door, wearing his best suit on his way to Mrs. McKenzie's.

( Chuckles ) But don't feel bad.

It must have been worth it, because I hear he died with a smile on what was left of his face.

( Chuckles )

Elaine, could this be true? I don't know...

I don't think so. Tony, this is Louie talking.

Don't take anything seriously.

ELAINE: Yeah, of course.

Oh, boy, am I tired.

I've never been so tired in all my life.

I just drove a double shift, and I'm dead on my feet.

( Yawns )

Hey, Alex would know.

Alex would know about this.

Oh, yeah. Hey, hey, Alex?

Yo. Louie's been trying to scare us with some crazy story about Mrs. McKenzie's revenge and Curly Melnick. Is that true?

MRS. Mckenzie: We'll just see about that, you wart head!

( Door slams )

Uh... Mrs. McKenzie?

Would you, uh, like me to introduce you to one of these handsome young gentlemen?

Well, you could tell me one thing, Louie.

What's that?

Well, I'm-I'm planning this little dinner party for two tonight at my place.

Oh, how delightful.

I was wondering, could you come?

Make it about 8:00, okay?

( Garbled muttering )

Mrs... Wh... Why-Why me, Mrs. McKenzie?

Because if my fooling around with somebody halfway decent upsets my husband... this'll kill him.

( Phone ringing )

( Mutters )

( Ringing continues )

( Mutters )


No, there's no Sheila here.

You got the wrong number.


Yes, of course it's my number.

There's no Sheila here.


Yes... Of course I know... Look, I...

I'm telling you, you got the wrong n...

There never has been a Sheila here.

Look, I'm very sorry, but I really have to get some sleep.

Look, there doesn't have to be a Sheila... hold on.

Hey, Sheila!

( High-pitched voice ): Yeah?

( Normal voice ): You want to talk to Joyce?

( High-pitched ): Who?

( Normal ): Joyce.

( High-pitched ): Oh, tell her I'm busy.

I can't talk to her...

( normal ): She's busy. She'll call you later.

( Muttering )

( Door opening )


Rieger! Hmm?

Rieger, Rieger!

Rieger, wake up, wake up! Wake up!


I-I didn't want to... I didn't want to wake you with a phone call in the middle of the night, 'cause I know how jarring that can be.

That's very thoughtful. How did you get in?

It wasn't easy. Hmm...

I-I-I tried to pick the lock, but it was too tough.

Oh, that's nice to know.

So I had to break it. Mm-hmm.

I-I knew if I knocked, you wouldn't have let me in.

You're right. Come on, Rieger.

Rieger, look at me.

Look at me, Rieger. I'm a mess.

You know why I look this way?

Yeah. Genetics.

No, no.

I've been drinking, Rieger.

Oh, I see. You know why I've been drinking?

I don't know and I don't care, Louie.

I've been drinking because I'm facing death.

Oh, come on, Louie.

What are you talking about?

Mrs. McKenzie picked me this time.

( laughing )

Now this might be worth waking up for.

Rieger, I'm trapped.

I'm cursed. I'm doomed.

Oh, come on, Louie.

There must be some mistake.

Why would she pick you?

Come on, admit it... You're no Curly Melnick.

Then again, neither is he anymore.

Rieger... she picked me because she really wants to rub her husband's nose in it this time.

Ah, that's a good choice.

Come on, Rieger, you got to help me.

You got to help me. All right.

You help everybody else in the garage.

You got to help me.

I know I help everybody else, because they're nice people and deserving of help.

( Imitates bawling )

"They're nice people deserving of help."

If I wasn't about to die, I'd be sick.

( Sighs )

Rieger! ( snores )

Mrs. McKenzie wants my goodies.

What am I going to do?

Come on. ( mutters groggily )

Rieger! Rieger, Rieger, Rieger! Hmm?

All right, all right. All right, all right.

All right, all right. Let's take a look at your problem.

All right. Great, great.

Let us examine your options.

My options.

Options, yeah!

I love how you do this.

I got it. What? What?

You call her up, tell her you're sick, you can't make it.

Genius! The man is a genius!

No, wait, wait, wait!

That won't work.

She saw you in the pink of health this morning. She'll never believe it.

Not for a second.

What? What?

What? What?

I got it! Hmm? What? What? You got it?

You jump the gun. You go to Mr. McKenzie himself, and tell him everything.

That's it!

That is it! ( raucous laughter )

Wait, wait a minute!

That won't work, either.

It won't? No, he'll kill you right there in his office for telling stories about his wife.

He'd tear me limb from limb.

( Sighs )

I don't know...

Come on, come on, come on, come on...

Come on. Come on. Think. Think.

Wait a minute!


Why didn't I think of this before?

( laughs ) Why didn't you think of it?

She picked you because you're loathsome and despicable, right?

Right! So, all we got to do is find someone more loathsome and more despicable.

Ahhhh! ( growling )

Louie, there is one answer.

What, what, what?

You're a dead man.

No, no. Rieger, Rieger.


Oh, no. Oh, no.

No, no, I'm not finished, Rieger.

Oh, no, no, no.

Louie De Palma is a survivor.

I'm going to come out of this thing, you bet. ( grunts )

Who was it that said, "I shall return"?

Curly Melnick.

( Groaning )

( Knocking at door )

Now, look here, Mrs. McKenzie.

I thought about this a lot, and I want to get one thing straight right now.

There is no way in the world that you are going to seduce me.

I want you!

Come in, Louie.

What am I doing?

This is crazy. No, no, wait, wait, wait.

I... I don't think there's any reason for us to beat around the bush.

I mean, there is no chance of anything happening between you and I.

I mean, look at it from my side.

I have nothing but loyalty for my employer, Mr. McKenzie, who happens to be one of the finest human beings who it has been my pleasure to meet in this life.

He can't stand the sight of you.

Then I'll have his woman.

This is crazy, no!

Mrs. McKenzie, you don't want me.

Oh, yes, I do.

Oh, no, no.

No, listen, you only picked me because I was at the bottom of the barrel.

Oh, Louie, that's not true.

No, I-I find you very attractive.

You do?


Well... what do you find attractive about me?

Your eyes.

You have nice eyes.

Both of them?

( Mutters ): No, Mrs. McKenzie.

There is no way that your mere kisses are going to... sway me.

What is that scent?

That's "Pleasuree."

Pl... Pleasuree.

It's very expensive.

Oh, it should be.

Poor people shouldn't smell like that.

Let's go into the bedroom.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, Mrs. McKenzie, please.

Please don't make me go in there, please.


Louie... Please...

Your palms are getting little sweat marks all over my gown.

Are you going to come into the bedroom with me?

No, no, no. Oh, no. Oh-ho-ho, no!

Oh, no. You don't get me in there.

No, sirree. Oh, no.

Because I know if I stay out here, I'm safe.

Once I get in there, I'm a dead man.

( Chuckles ): Uh-uh...

( laughs )


Sure, you're an attractive woman.

And, uh...

especially now.

( Growling )

Lying there posed so seductively with that "come hither" look.

But I'm not coming hither.

No, thank you, Mrs. McKenzie.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Okay, Louie, if that's how you feel.

I've reconsidered.

Oh, good.


What a bed!


If we lose each other, I'll meet you at the headboard.

( Growls ): No, no, no, no, no...

No, we mustn't do this.

What? No.

No, we mustn't. Why not?

We'll regret it.

No, we won't.

It's morally wrong.

Moral... You're a married woman.

We can't do this, Mrs. McKenzie.

Oh, yes, we can.

No, no, I have a war wound. What?

I have a war wound.

Really? Yes.

What war?

What are you talking about?

What war? Yeah.

I can't remember. I had my memory shot off.

Uh, really, I-I sense the animal in you. ( growling )

Come on.

( Nervous chuckling )

( Door opening )

MR. Mckenzie: Ruth!

Is that Mr...? Is that Mr...?

That's Mr. McKenzie! Mr. McKenzie!

Where are ya? Just a minute!

Just a minute!

MR. Mckenzie: Where are you?

Where, where? Hide! What?

Hide! Where, where?

I don't know.

You hide.


Where to hide?

Where to hide? Where?!

I couldn't get a plane off, 'cause there was a fog.

I've got the worst headache I ever had in my life.

Now, I'm going to go and get some aspirin.

Would you like something to eat or something?

MR. Mckenzie: No, no. No, thanks.

How about a drink?

Oh, no, no. I had something at the airport.

How about a tuna?

I-I got some tuna.

You want... you want some tuna?

Now, you know I don't like tuna.

You don't like tuna?

Isn't there... isn't there anything I can get for you?

( Louie growls ) Oh, my God.

( Door opens )

All I want to do is go to bed.

( Louie growls )

Ruth... ( nervous muttering )

( Louie yelps )

Ruth, I-I got a confession to make.


The reason I came back was I just couldn't leave town after that argument we had this morning.

I know, I know.

I'm really sorry about that.

I know, and if you're sorry, I'm sorry.

Let's just kiss and make up. Oh...

Hey, hey... Remember the last time we kissed and made up like this?

It took us three whole days. ( chuckles )

( Growling )

TONY: Here you go, Jeff.

Hey, where's Louie?

I don't know, man.

I haven't seen him in three days.

No kidding. Well, there's a lot of things going around.

He's probably stuck in bed. Yeah.

Hey, Bobby, you want to go have a drink at Mario's?

Uh, no, man, I got a mime class.

I've got to practice some exercises.

I'll see you later, okay?

Catch you later. Okay.

( Sighs )

Oh, wait a minute.


I see what's going on here.

This is mime stuff, right?

Hey! Right, Jim.

I may be slow, but once I catch it, it sticks.

Well, see you tomorrow.


Bobby, when the hell are you going to get this thing out of here?

Uh, I got some people coming to pick it up in the morning, Jim.

Yeah, it's getting to be an eyesore.

( Theme music playing )

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters.

( Grunts )