Taxi S4E1 Script

Jim the Psychic (1981)

(theme song playing)


Hey, Bob. Hey, Ton.

How you doing?

Hey, I saw the greatest hockey game of all time.

ELAINE: Yeah?

Last night... Thank you.

It was between the Islanders and the Flyers.

They scored 13 goals in the game, and there must have been 200 minutes of penalties.

Oh... Fight. Man, was it rough.

Unbelievable. Wow.

Phooey.

I think Latka's got a different angle on that, Tony.

In fact, here he comes now.

Tony, did you ever think why I don't go to the hockey games with you?

'Cause I don't invite you, Latka?

Not even close.

Is because the hockey players in your country are cupcakes.

TONY: What are you...?

What are you talking about, Latka?

The hockey players in this country are the toughest in the world.

No, they are cupcakes.

They have to wear the helmets and the mask and the padding.

In my country, they wear nothing.

Oh. You mean, no padding?

I mean no clothes.

Well, I guess that allows them to skate faster.

No skates.

No skates?

What do they do, slide around the ice?

No ice. Gravel.

Latka, why don't you get lost with this stupid stuff, huh?

Is true.

Is stupid.

You call my-my stupid stuff is stupid stuff?

Yeah. I think is not.

I think your stupid stuff is stupid stuff, and you calling my stuff is not stupid stuff.

Why don't you shut up, huh, Latka?

Why don't you shut up?

Latka, you shut up, or I'm gonna knock you out.

How's that?

No!

Because you cannot knock me out.

Because, if you do, nobody is going to like you, because I am weak and defenseless and-and cute.

Well, then, shut up!

Shut up. Shut up!

Shut up.

Shut up!

Shut up.

See? I am winning this argument.

I'll tell you what we do, Latka.

Let's cut the cards, all right?

Low card shuts up for a whole hour.

How about a whole day?

How about a whole week?

How about seven days?

You got it.

Okay, low card shuts up for a whole seven days.

Okay.

I got a queen.

Well, okay.

I got a...

Oh.

Boy, is it gonna be great not hearing from this guy for a week.

Ha. 'Cause I get kind of tired of him.

I'll tell you the truth.

Hey, Jim, how you doing?

Uh, I-I'll get back to you on that, Bobby.

Can I talk to you for a minute in private, Alex?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, Jim.

Excuse us.

Uh, I've got terrible news for you, Alex.

What is it, Jim? What is it?

(sighs)

You're going to die.

We're all going to die, Jim.

Well, yeah, yeah, but, uh, not on Thursday, we're not.

Well, what the hell are you talking about?

I-I-I-I... I had a dream about you, Alex.

A terrible, terrible dream.

Oh, a dream!

Hey, come on. A dream... What's the big deal, Jim?

Alex, please listen to me.

I have dreams... dreams that come true.

You mean you're psychic?

Yeah, yeah, I... I'm psychic.

I didn't tell you guys about it before because I didn't want you to think I was offbeat or something.

So what was your dream about Alex?

Well, it-it... it was horrible.

It's gonna happen to you Thursday night at your apartment.

You'll be with a friend.

I couldn't make out who.

You'll drink a glass of water very quickly.

Somebody is going to mistake you for a girl.

You'll do the cancan in a green shirt, wearing a catcher's mask.

And then comes the crazy part.

Oh?

There'll be a knock at the door.

You'll go to the door.

You'll open it...

And what?

What? What? What? What happens?

That's the end.

The end of the dream, or the end of me?

Both.

(sobbing)

Jim, hey.

Oh, Jim, it's okay. It's okay.

And you know what the worst part is?

The worst part is that between now and the end, you're going to be at Mario's, and a beautiful, sexy blonde is going to fall into your arms.

You'll be dating each other right up to the end.

All this is going to happen in the next three days?

Hey, hey, hey, Jim, Jim, don't worry about it.

I tell you, Alex, I'm psychic.

Well, you might be psychic, but remember, you know, psychics aren't always right.

Uh... That's right.

So why don't you cheer up?

Yeah. Hey, Jim, I'll tell you what.

I'll take you to Mario's, and I'll buy you a beer, huh?

Uh, it's gonna take more than a beer to do away with this.

BOBBY: Ah.

This is a job for a couple of six-packs.

ELAINE: Oh.

You got it.

We can shoot for that.

You got it.

After you, my lady.

Reiger, I got to talk to you.

What?

I advise you not to take this lightly.

What do you mean? That thing about that dream?

Now, come on, Louie. Now, listen to me, Reiger.

You don't understand this like I do because you don't have religion.

Now let me explain it to you.

You heard of God, right?

Rings a bell.

Well, God gave every human being a special gift.

To you, he gave smarts.

Banta's got muscle.

Nardo's got knobs.

Wheeler's got hair.

And you know what he gave me?

It's not immediately apparent, Louie.

God gave me the power to spot what everybody else has got.

Oh.

All right. When you first look at Ignatowski, you figure this guy must have caught God on a bad day.

But let me tell you something.

Ignatowski is different from us.

The way that man's mind works, I believe he can see the future.

He scares the hell out of me.

Oh, come on, Louie.

All right, if you won't listen to reason, can I at least give you a little blessing to protect you from his evil dreams?

All right.

(rapid spitting sounds)

Thanks, Louie.

I can't believe it.

Louie is taking Jim's dream seriously.

Hey. (laughs)

Don't knock it, Alex.

This is the place where the beautiful, sexy blonde is supposed to fall into your arms.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, well, so far, the only sexy blonde in here is me.

(mutters) Latka.

ELAINE: Hello. Well, hi, Latka.

Hello, Latka.

ELAINE: Hello, Latka.

What, Latka?

That's it! Tony!

Oh, come on!

Okay?

Howdy.

Oh. Hi, Jim.

How are you doing, pal?

Uh, fine, just fine, Jim.

You know, (clears throat)

When people are gone, you always wish you treated them better.

I'm not going to wish that with you.

Alex, I'm gonna treat you to dinner tonight.

Huh? Steak with all the trimmings and a bottle of Mario's best wine.

No, no, no, you don't have to do that, Jim.

No, I want to. Yeah...

I saved up enough money after quitting drugs.

(clears throat)

And I want to spend it all on you.

Jim, that's a dollar, 35.

I quit drugs for a dollar, 35?

What was I thinking of?

No, no, no, no.

Jim, you also quit for your health and your state of mind.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's all right, Jim.

You don't have to buy me dinner.

Besides, I already ate.

Why don't you get us another pitcher of beer?

ELAINE: Yeah, good idea.

Okeydoke. All right?

Good.

You know, I don't know about the rest of you, but Jim's giving me the chills.

What, more so than usual?

Oh, I don't know about this dream stuff with the catcher's mask and the blonde.

I mean, it's crazy, but with Jim, who knows?

Maybe this guy can see into the future.

He definitely can't see anything in the present.

Hey, you know some...

I just remembered something.

You know, once Jim refused to take out a certain cab, and the guy that took it out got into an accident.

I heard about that.

That was Ernie Lotes, and he got into a little fender bender on 38th Street.

It doesn't mean a thing.

Yeah, yeah, but, Alex, who knows?

If Jim had taken out the cab, it might have been a lot worse.

ELAINE: You know something?

I just thought of something myself.

Last winter, I was very worried about Jason's grades, right, in school?

And-And Jim told me not to worry because the next day on his test, he was going to get an 86.

And he got an 86.

(whistles)

ELAINE: No, no, no, I'm wrong.

He said he was going to get an 87.

And he got an 87.

Uh-oh.

Hey, I just remembered something, too!

He told me... Listen, can we just drop this right now?

This conversation is going nowhere, you know that?

Superstitions are idiotic.

We're just talking.

Yeah, but it's silly, and I don't want to be silly tonight, all right?

What are you coming down on us for?

I don't know, can we... can we change the subject please?

Okay. Thank you.

Hey, what are you doing?

Well, so I got a little bit of beer on your suit.

Not such a great suit, anyway.

Better than anything you're wearing... jerk.

Who are you calling a jerk, you...

You heard me, I'm calling you a jerk.

I'm terribly sorry.

That's okay, we were expecting you.

♪ ♪

Ah, he wants us to...

LATKA: Testing.

Abby-dabby, icky-bicky, abby-dabby, icky-bicky.

Hello?

Elaine?

Oh, hi, Latka.

My, you're looking lovely today.

You're welcome. Oh.

Thank you.

Hello, Bobby.

Hi, Latka.

How is your career coming along?

Well fine, as a matter of fact...

Sorry to hear that, Bobby.

Hello, Alex.

It's good to see you today, Alex.

Tony?

Tony?

Tony?

What?

(blowing raspberry)

(blowing raspberry) Latka, will you...

Latka, I'm telling you, take...

(blowing raspberry)

Hi.

Hey, Louie, check me out, I want to get home.

You know what day this is, Reiger?

What is this, a pop quiz?

Alex... what are you gonna do?

What do you mean, what am I gonna do?

We're worried about you, Alex.

You met that girl at Mario's, just like Jim predicted, and you've been seeing her every day, just like Jim predicted.

And today's Thursday.

Just like Jim predicted.

Well what do you expect me to do?

Change my life just because of that stupid dream?

Do you expect me to drop Peggy, who I happen to like very much, just because she fits in with this, uh, thing?

Alex, don't you think it's a good idea just to get out of town for a day?

Yeah, you've got nothing to lose.

Elaine, you of all people, you seriously expect me to believe this stuff?

I'm saying to have an open mind about it.

Aw, please, will you? Come on, Alex, it's not gonna hurt you not to be home tonight.

I'm not saying go to Peru, but don't rule Peru out.

Will you stop this?

There's no way in the world you're gonna get me to be afraid of this.

I happen to be a realistic person.

I always have been, and I always will be.

Nobody's trying to scare you.

Another one.

We're just trying to say, that as sure as there's a God in heaven, you're going belly up at 7:00 tonight.

Unless you're not in your apartment.

Look, just let me say this.

I don't believe in any of this stuff.

But as a matter of fact, I'm not gonna be at my apartment at 7:00, because I'm going out on a date with a wonderful woman.

See?

Now is anybody, uh, foolish enough to be relieved by any of that?

(overlapping chatter)

All right, that's good planning.

I didn't plan that.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm a little late. Good-bye.

ALL: Good-bye, Alex.

(overlapping chatter)

(phone ringing)

(grunting)

Cabbie cooties.

Sunshine Cab.

He just walked out the door.

Can I take a message?

Oh, you're the dame that Reiger's gonna date tonight, huh?

No!

No, no, no, no, you can't do that.

No, you gotta go out with him.

What reason could you have for breaking a date with him?

You got a 104 degree temperature and projectile vomiting?

He's had worse dates.

All right, all right.

I'll save the man myself.

Reiger!

(knocking on door)

Yeah.

Yeah, hold on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, Reiger, we gotta get out of here.

What are you talking about? Come on.

Peggy called, she can't go out and you can't stay here.

Come on, we'll go down to 42nd street, look at weirdos and have a cheeseburger.

No, wait a minute.

Wait, wait a minute.

Why can't she make it? Forget it, forget it, being dumped on by a dame is the least of your problems.

You've got the Grim Reaper to worry about.

We'll go to a movie. Louie, will you stop this? Come on.

I'm not gonna go anywhere.

Reiger, the dream's coming true.

You're here in your apartment, it's Thursday night, it's almost 7:00.

All right, look.

All right. (laughing)

I admit your life is nothing to jump up and down about.

But it must mean something to you.

Oh, and you think all those other things have come true, huh?

Like drinking a glass of water quickly, being mistaken for a girl?

Dancing the cancan in a green shirt and a catcher's mask.

Oh, and at 7:00, precisely at 7:00, there's a knock at the door, and who's on the other side?

Death is on...

(coughing): Death...

Excuse me.

(coughing continues)

(coughing): That's the silliest thing I ever heard.

Aha!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Ah-ho-ho-ho!

Reiger!

Reiger, what do you say now?

Look what time it is. Let's get the hell out of here! Boy, come on!

I'm not leaving here. Come! Come!

Out! Get out!

I'm staying here tonight. I'm staying right here.

(phone ringing)

I have no intention of going...

Hello?

No, this is not Mary.

Do I sound like a Mary?

You have the wrong number.

Louie, why don't you just...

Mary?

It's happening!

It's happening!

It's happening!

Come on, out!

Out of here. Louie...

No, no, no, no.

No, no, Louie, no, Louie.

Get out! No!

I am not gonna leave this apartment.

If I walk through that door, I am violating everything I believe in.

I'm giving up the control of my own life.

The hell with that.

I'm gonna live my future.

I'm not gonna be afraid of it.

Reiger, will you cut the Joan of Arc stuff?

And don't tempt fate?

Tempt fate, Louie?

No, I'm not gonna tempt fate.

I'm gonna bait fate.

No, no, green! Yeah.

Rigger, no green!

No. No, no, Reiger.

Yeah! Reiger!

Don't do this, Reiger.

Louie, if I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die as I lived.

Dancing the cancan in a green shirt and a catcher's mask.

No, no, no, don't lift those feet.

Don't, Reiger! (humming)

Reiger, don't do this.

No, Reiger!

It's coming true!

The dream... (clock chiming)

(whimpering)

Louie... I didn't die.

(chuckles)

(laughing)

Ignatowski's a boob.

That was a nice cancan.

Thank you.

Now listen, Louie, repeat after me.

Superstitions are... (knocking on door)

Now you did it!

I almost apologized!

Don't you dare!

Don't go near that door!

Reiger, stay away from that door!

Louie, I have to see what's on the other side of that door. No! Death is on the other side of this door. I don't care, I want to see it!

No!

Louie, get away from the door. No!

Get away from the door, Lou! No!

No, no, Reiger.

No, no, Reiger! (grunts)

No! No! Louie, get away from the door!

(screaming)

Reiger, did you see it?

It was hideous!

Louie, it was a little girl selling sugar cookies.

My favorite.

Here.

Thanks for coming by, Lou.

One for me and three for you, huh?

Look, Reiger...

I got to make a confession.

I was pretty scared there.

But you... you got guts.

You're a rock, Reiger.

Good night, Lou.

So long.

Oh my God, a ghost.

Jim, it's me.

A talking ghost.

Jim, I'm not a ghost.

I didn't die.

You may be a psychic, but you missed on this one.

A reasonable ghost.

Hey Jeff, give me a cab.

A working ghost.

Bye, Jim.

Have a nice day.

A courteous ghost!

(theme song playing)


WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)