Taxi S4E11 Script

I Wanna Be Around (1982)

(theme song playing)

Hey, hey, Jim? Yo.

You didn't get coffee? Huh? No.

Machine must be jammed again.

Let me give you a hand.

Excuse me.

(grunting) Hey.

Tony, Tony, Tony!

Pounding on it is not gonna help.

Oh, is the coffee that bad this morning?

No. The coffee machine's broken.

Why don't you get a screwdriver?

Hey, that would hit the spot.

Which of the machines has that?

No, no, no, Jim, she means a screwdriver to open the machine.

JIM: Oh. I'll get one out of the tool room.

Hey, how come this is locked?

Louie says it's off-limits.

The tool room is off-limits now?


And I'm not supposed to tell why no matter what.

You mean he's hiding something in there?

Louie'll kill me, but he's storing food in there.


Yeah. Why?

Uh, well, he thinks the end of the world's coming, so he's turning the room into a-a shelter.

Louie's determined to survive.

I wish he'd put it up to a vote.


What's that?

What's what?

What's in the barrel?

My lunch.

A lunch of wheat?

You get tired of salami.

Louie, why are you, uh, suddenly preparing for the end of the world?

You know something we don't?


All right, I got this idea while I was watching The Donahue Show one day.

He had a guy on there who was saying where the world was going and what we had to do to protect ourselves.

And let me tell you something, he scared the hell out of me.

And you know who else he scared?



Donahue's not a-scared of anything.

Well, he's scared of this.

JIM: No.

You know that special twinkle he's got in his eye?

JIM: Yeah. Well, it was gone, as gone as your brain.

What are you worried about, Louie?

I'm worried about everything, Banta.

I'm worried about, uh, about inflation, destroying the economy, about, uh, murderers running loose in the streets, about criminals controlling the cities, politicians hamstringing the police, nuclear holocaust, epidemic, class warfare, an end of the world as we know it.

Oh, boo hoo.

You gotta learn to take the bad with the good, boss.

Well, thanks, Confucius.

Louie, come on, if that were to happen, then no one would survive.

Oh, yeah?

Someone would.

Come with me.

Welcome to Louie's Doom Room.

I've been doing a lot of studying.

This garage was built back in the days when they knew how to build buildings.

I mean, back in the days when they used good Irish and Italian laborers, not these foreigners they got now.

All right, up here by Nardo, my food supply: freeze-dried, dehydrated goodies.

My water purifier, my grain mill...

Look at this, huh?

Over here?

My generator for electricity.

And there?

My radiation-proof suits.

Louie, this must have cost you a fortune.

What good is money in the bank, Nardo, when you're a radioactive pretzel?

Hey, Lou, how come you got four cots?

You don't think that I'm gonna come in here alone, do you?

I've picked a survival squad to be with me.

ALEX: Oh...

First of all, there's Jeff.

I need him to convince the black hordes I'm cool.

I'll do what I can.

Oh, then, of course, there's Nardo's cot.

You wasted your money, Louie.

Nardo, shh.

Don't bother to deny me on this.

When the day comes, you'll be knocking on that door.

When you're up to your pretty, dimpled cheeks in rubble, and I'll be in here waiting.

Just so we know that it's you, here's the password.

That's disgusting!

But memorable.

It'll be our little love call, Nardo.

Louie, if you and I were the last man and woman on Earth, we'd be the last man and woman on Earth.

So let me see, there's, um, there's you and Jeff and Elaine, right?

But when the holocaust comes, who's gonna be the, uh, fourth member of your survival squad?

Were you thinking of me, boss?

Yes, Iggy, I was thinking of you... the last time I stepped on a snail in my bare feet.

Please, boss, let me join in.

All this talk has got me scared.

I don't want to die.

Trust me, Iggy, you'll never know the difference.

All right, come on, everybody out.

Out, out, out, out, out, out, out!

So, uh... who is the fourth member?

I bet I know.

You're gonna take Alex.

Well, I was thinking of Reiger.

But it wouldn't work, because he'd vie with me for leadership of the group.

Besides, he'd use up too much oxygen.

(inhales deeply)

Ah, the fourth man I picked is a very important cog in my machine.

I needed an enforcer.

Somebody who would respond to my every command.

Someone with a lot of muscle, and a single-digit I.Q.

Yeah, well just forget about him.

He's not interested in this stuff.

I wouldn't count on him, Louie.

No way, Louie.

Who we talking about?

I think he means you, Tony.

Get out of here.

You want me, Louie?

You bet I do, Banta.

You know what New York City's like when it rains?

People will kill each other for a cab.

Imagine what it would be like if disaster hit here.

This city would be a combat zone.

You had experience in Vietnam.

Yeah, I did.

Take two or three weeks and read this pamphlet.

It'll fill ya in.

"Heading for Armageddon."

The guy is a terrific writer.

Look, uh, keep your nightmares to yourself, Lou.

I think it's about time we go to Mario's.

Come on. ELAINE: Oh, yeah.

All right, wait a minute, wait a minute, now.

Let everybody shut up, and let's hear what Banta has to say.

Let him decide for himself.

All right, fine. Go ahead.

Go ahead, Tony. Go on, tell him.

Tell him what you think of his ghoulish little, uh, morbid cynical, little plan for doomsday.

I think it sounds like fun.

That's my boy. Here.

Read, read, read.

It's got pictures in there.

You know, you guys don't know what you're talking about.

You haven't got an idea of what you're talking about.

It's one thing to save up a lot of food and read scare books, but it's another thing to lock yourselves up in a room.

I don't think this little group of yours would last two days in there.

Oh yeah, Reiger?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah? Is that what you think?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah? Yeah, that's what you think? Yeah?!

Yeah. Yeah, yeah! You do think that?

Yeah. Yeah, well, I'm going to show you, Reiger.

I'll show you what we can do.

Your little speech here gave me a good idea.

Our little group needs some field experience.

All the books say you got to conduct drills.

That is exactly what I'm gonna do.

My crack squad and I are gonna go in there for a weekend.

We're gonna spend two days in there just as though a disaster had really hit.

Just like maneuvers in the Army, Lou.

That's a good idea! That's right, Banta.

Come here, Jeff.

All right, so what disaster is it gonna be?

I don't know.

How about civil rioting?

That's not bad.

Uh, but why don't we go for the atomic war?

Hey, what about earthquake and pestilence?

Oh, man, why fool around with that small stuff?

Let's go for atomic war.

Yeah, but earthquakes are bad.

All right, all right, hold it, hold it.

All right, we'll do it all.

It's an atomic blast that starts an earthquake, setting off civil rioting.

All right? All right.

Good, Lou.

All right, we can throw pestilence in and stuff like that. All right, okay.

Jeff? Yeah.

I'm ready. Where's Banta?

He's on his way. Keys.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Lou, let me ask you a question.

Have you thought this thing through really well?

I mean, if you're gonna be in there with all that food, and everybody out here's gonna be starving, they're gonna be trying to get in there.

And what if there was a little girl who hadn't had anything to eat for days?

I mean some cute, little, uh, freckle-faced girl, came, uh, weakly rapping at your door.

Begging for a morsel of food.

What are you gonna do about that, huh?

You gonna turn her away?

Let me get this straight, Reiger.

Are we talking about a, a little adorable muppet?

Uh, you know, uh, say about eight years old, golden ringlets, just a hint of a lisp?

Yeah, that's the one.

But look, Reiger, it's survival of the fittest.

I mean, there's no room for compassion here.

I mean, if you're soft, you're dead.

But, Louie, what about that little girl?

She's buzzard bait.

All right, Jeff, I'm ready.

All right.

Tony, that's a great look.

How do I go about getting an outfit like that?

You enlist in the Army and you spend a year of your life in Vietnam.

How about just the hat?

Tony! Jeff!

JEFF: Yeah? Let's go.

Now, now, let's pay attention here.

We got to do this right.

We got to get organized.

It is now 1:00 Friday afternoon.

Lou, 1300 hours.

Good, Banta.

1300 hours, Friday afternoon.

We are gonna go into that survival bunker and lock the door behind us.

And under no conditions are we gonna emerge prior to 1600 hours, Sunday.

Yeah. All right.

Now as far as we're concerned, the world out here is gone.

Are there any questions?

Who played Lumpy in Leave It to Beaver?

We may look silly to you, Reiger, but we're doing something here that's very important.

There are a lot of people who feel exactly the way I do.

And if I'm crazy, then there are millions of people out there who are just as crazy as I am.

Well, that makes me feel a lot better.

All right, are you ready?

I'm ready, Louie. I guess.

Okay, disaster has struck.

Let's go to the survival bunker.

All right, hey, Alex, Elaine, have a nice weekend.

ELAINE: Bye. ALEX: Yeah, enjoy yourself.

Say good-bye to the world as we know it.

TONY & JEFF: Good-bye to the world as we...

No, no, no... figure of speech.

So long, losers.

(door slams, locks latching)

I just had a terrifying thought.

If the world were to end tomorrow, that's what's left of the human race.

Man your stations.

Hey, Louie?

Ain't we supposed to be doing something?

We are doing something, Banta. We're surviving.

You want something to read?

I'm still working on the pamphlet.

Hey, how 'bout something to eat, Lou?

That's a good idea.

Here we go.

A nice, big bowl of vitamin-enriched legumes.

These here have the nutritional equivalent of an entire egg breakfast.

What're we supposed to do with them?

You eat them.


This is awful.

Louie, ain't you got anything that tastes good to eat in this place? Yeah.

There's some freeze-dried ice cream. LOUIE: Nah-uh!

Don't you dare touch that freeze-dried ice cream until you've finished your legumes.

Come on, Louie, let's eat some...

Sit down!


Hey, let's take a vote on it.

Everybody for ice cream raise your hand.


It's three to one, Louie.

Ignatowski, what the hell are you doing in here?

I'm voting for ice cream.

What are you doing in my survival bunker?

You're not supposed to be here.

Oh, I've been living in here for three days.

Eating this great food, listening to the short wave, reading all those books, and sleeping in these crazy sleeping bags.

Get the hell out of here, you.

Come on. Oh, come on, boss.

Let me stay.

I'll be a good soldier.

Iggy? Huh?

Your mind is mush.

I haven't got the faculty of Harvard in here as it is.

Come on now, you got to get out of here before...

Oh, boss...

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

This is perfect!

This is great!

I'm glad you're here, Iggy.

Thanks, boss, I'm glad to be here!

Iggy? Huh?

You are gonna play an important part in my little survival group.

Hey, you bet!

What do you want me to do?

What can I do for you, boss?

All right, you just stand there... Uh-huh.

And let Banta throw you out.

Can do.

What are you talking about, Louie?

Look, Banta, we're simulating the real thing here.

That's why I got you on the squad.

Remove the invading anarchist.

Come on, Louie, it's just Jim.

It's not Jim.

It's a starved maniac after your food.

Hey, he could have my legumes.

Will you get out of here?

That is the enemy, Banta.

He is threatening our lives.

Now, get up and throw him out of here.

Okay, come on, Jim, you got to go.

It's just a drill anyway. Come on...

No, no... Banta, this is not a drill.

You have to tell yourself that this is the real thing.

Outside that door, there's a world that's smoking, burning, glowing.

There's nothing out there; no air, no water, no food, just total devastation.

You want me to throw him out into that?

That's right. I want you to throw him out of there.

If you can't do it now, then you'll never be able to do it and you're no use to me.

I can't do it, Louie.

Okay, coward, I'll do it.

I'll throw Iggy out myself.

No, no, don't do that, boss!

I want to live. I want to stay here with you.

I don't want to die.

I'm sorry, Iggy.

I mean, I... that's the way it is.

It's a question of who's gonna survive, you or me?

It can't be both of us.

That's why I gotta throw you out.

I understand.

I don't want ya to die because of me.

So long, boss.


Could I ask just one more thing from you, boss?

No food, no water, no nothing.

A hug?



See, Louie?

It's no fun pretending everybody's dead.

What if you're not pretending, Banta?

That won't be any fun either.

You had to hug me.

All right, forget it!

The whole thing's called off.

Let's go. Don't go out there, boss!

Will you get away from the door?

There's nothing but devastation and death out there.

Nobody and nothing.

Hi, Alex.

Well, an 11-minute Armageddon.

Sort of an "Armageddonette."

Come on, Jeff, I'll buy you a beer. I hear you.

Hey, see you later. Yeah.

Oh, come on, Louie.

It's not the end of the world.

Real funny, Reiger.

You see this?

Dead man!

What are you talking about?

I was done in by a soft heart.


I couldn't throw Ignatowski out of there.

When it came right down to it, I was soft.

I'm a loser like you.

When the end comes, I'll be nothing but a charcoal briquette.

Oh, gee, what a shame.

Now, you're just gonna have to take your chances with the rest of us. Yeah.

Hey, Louie, it's not gonna be what you think.

You couldn't throw Jim out.

You couldn't turn your back on Jim.

And if the time came, you wouldn't be able to turn your back on that little girl or anybody else for that matter.

And that's where our hope is.

Not in, uh, radiation suits and fallout shelters, but in compassion.

If we don't give up on the future, we can make it.

We don't have to be afraid of tomorrow.

We can look forward to it.

Did you say something, Reiger?

Ah, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

No, no, no, no... you were listening. I wasn't listening.

You were listening.

Don't sit there dripping with love for humanity and pretending you didn't hear me.

You sweet, little tender rascal, you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah... Hey, hey, hey, Louie.

Louie, come on. Everybody went to Mario's.

Come on, let me buy you a beer.

Uh, maybe later.

Hey, Reiger, wait up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)