Taxi S4E12 Script

Bobby Doesn't Live Here Anymore (1982)

(theme song playing)

Hey, hello, Latka.

Good. He's not here yet.

Bobby's not here.

I bought him a gift.

Can you guess what it is?


A beach ball.

Oh... yeah.

Okay, but can you guess what color it is?

Red, green, yellow and blue.

Yeah, that's right.

But, uh, okay, can you guess how much did it cost me?

About ten dollars.


That's right, okay, but can you guess...

All right, how tall was the saleslady?

Five foot three.

Not even close, Mr. Know-It-All.

Anybody else want to guess?

ELAINE: Latka, Bobby hasn't moved out to California yet.

He just went there to do a television pilot.

Yeah, that's right.

The network isn't sure about making it into a series yet.

You know what I mean.

Yeah. Besides, you buying Bobby a gift makes the rest of us look bad.

Oh, no, no, no.

You see, he expects it from me because I am his best friend.


What... What are you talking about, best friend, Latka?

Everybody knows I'm Bobby's best friend.

Ha, ha, ha.

It's so silly, it make me laugh.

There is nobody closer than me and Bobby.

Hey, Latka, you know, you're nuts.

Me and Bobby go out together, me and Bobby go to games together, me and Bobby go chasing girls together.

Whenever he's got a problem, he calls me.

He does that to you? That's right.

Well, then I can see how that can confuse you.

But-but, really, Tony, really, but he and I are best friends.

Anyway, if he's not going to-to California, I'd better return this to the six-feet tall saleslady... and get something else.

(scoffs) (laughs)

You know, uh, hey, you know, Bobby's been gone almost six months.

Hope he hasn't changed any.

Yeah, you know, uh, those people in, uh, California are pretty strange.

Yeah. Yeah.

Unlike here.


Thanks, you guys.

I really didn't expect this kind of welcome home.

I didn't even know I was gone.

ALEX: Jim?

Yeah. Your name is Jim, not Bobby.

Oh, maybe so.

But if someone does something nice to me, I'm not one to nitpick.

You guys are aces.

Nice to be back.

Nice to have you back, Jim.

Hi, everybody!

(excited chatter)

Good to see you!

Wow! Ooh!

Here I am back in the garage again!

ELAINE: Yeah. This place hasn't changed a bit.

Ooh. TONY: Come on, Bobbaroo, there's your old seat, yeah. Yeah!

Hey, sit down.

Hey, how was California? Great, huh? Yeah?

Oh, I don't know.

Take away the beaches, the climate, the women, the glamour... still beats this.


It's great to have him back.

Bobby! (excited chatter)

Hey, will you shut up?

I couldn't hear myself think in there.

What's all the noise?

Hey, Louie, guess who's back?


Well... Bobby Wheeler, the great ac-tor.

If I'd have known you were coming, I'd have baked a ham.

So, come to beg for your job back, huh, Bob?

Ah, I didn't come back here to work, Lou.

You never came here to work, Wheeler.

He don't need your job no more, Louie.

He's a big TV star now.

Hey, hey, hey, Tony, I'm not a star yet, huh?

Yeah, well, Bobby did a pilot and that's the first step.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I happen to know a little bit about the TV world.

Donahue did a whole show about it.

They make hundreds of pilots every year, and maybe two or three of 'em ever become series, hmm.

Yeah, but I have a feeling that Bobby's is gonna be one of them.

Yeah, I think it has a chance.

Well, I don't. Why not?

Because Wheeler's in it.

Everything he touches is a failure.

I mean, if he was at Gettysburg, we'd be singing "Dixie" before ball games.

(Louie laughs)

ALEX: Yeah, well, you'd better watch out, Louie, because this time I think you're in for a big surprise.

The only thing that surprises me, Reiger, is how the rest of you can manage to keep up this masquerade of confidence in George C. Scum here.

If you held a gun to his head, Wheeler couldn't act nervous, ha-ha!

When this guy's in a play, the highest priced seats are near the exits.

When this fellow goes onstage, they have to put sick bags behind the seats.


ALEX: All right, all right, all right, all right, Louie, Louie, Louie, let me ask you something.

Let me ask you something.

What if Bobby does get the series?

Ha! No, I mean it. What if he does get the series?

What, what, what? Well, you name it, Reiger.

You want to make a little bet here?

A hundred bucks? No, no, no.

200 bucks? 500 bucks? No, no.

No, no, no money.

What, what, what?

All right.

You congratulate him in front of all of us.

Couldn't I just take out my appendix with a warm spoon?

Sick bags!

Come on, come on, Louie.

Hey, Lou, come on.

Now, now you're so sure of yourself, what do you say?

All right, all right, for sure, fine, I can't lose.

All right, all right, if Wheeler's show becomes a television series, I'll congratulate him in front of everybody. Right.

And then, I'll go down and sprinkle rock salt where hell froze over.

(both laughing)

Warm spoon!


Ah, come on, everybody, let's, come on.

Let's take this party over to Mario's. Yeah.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

Well, I'm not saying that Bobby Wheeler's a bad actor, but the only one who ever waited for him backstage was the playwright, and he had a hammer, ha-ha!

A hammer, he had a hammer.

A baseball bat, he had a baseball bat. No, no, no...

A rubber hose. (grumbles)

He had a rubber hose.

That's a straight line, Louie.

Okay. Okay, now you got the number, right?

Now, if you hear anything, just call me, okay?

If you hear anything.

All right, thanks, good-bye.

(Bobby sighs)

Well, Mr. Wheeler.

Okay, I want to hear everything about your pilot.

Yeah. Oh, okay.

Well, it's a hour-long dramatic series. Mm-hmm.

And I play the oldest son in an old family clan in Idaho.

It's called Boise.

Oh... Can't miss.

I love it! I already feel like it's one of my favorite shows.

Guess how much they're gonna pay me a week if this thing goes to series?

Just take a wild stab.

150,000 bucks a week.

No, not 150,000 bucks a week.

No newcomer makes 150,000 bucks a week.

Then how much?

$3,500 a week.

Hey! That's pretty good!

That's pretty good.

What do you mean, "pretty good"?

It's fantastic.

You know, if you hadn't said "150,000 bucks" a week," everybody'd be going crazy right now.

That's okay, it's okay, Bob.

It's okay, we're impressed.

Yeah, Bobby, if that's the best you could do, it's the best you could do.

Tony, have you gotten dumber since I've been away?

Phone call, Bobby. It's your agent.

Oh, no. Oh, no, he's heard.

I can't move.

I-I-I can't breathe.

Somebody get the phone for me, huh?

I'll get it.

Hello, Sid?

Yeah, yeah, uh-huh.


Well, what'd they say?

Well, what did you say?

Well, well, okay, listen.

I'll, I'll get back to you, okay?

Yeah, and, uh, and thanks for calling.


The party's over.

Oh, not again. Oh, no.

This party's over!

Now, we start celebrating my new TV series!

(excited chatter)

Come on, this is the way cab drivers celebrate, not the way TV stars celebrate.

I'm gonna rent a hotel suite up at the Plaza, and I'm gonna show you what a real party is!

ALL (chanting): Boise! Boise! Boise!

Boise! Boise! Hold it down.

Hold it down.

You ain't, you ain't seen porfnig yet.

Bobby, now that you are going to be back in New York, I bought you a present.

But you have to guess what it is.

I will give you hint.

It, it keep you warm and it rhyme with "zearmuffs."

Earmuffs. Earmuffs.

ALEX: Earmuffs.


Give up?

It is earmuffs.

Hey, Latka, listen, I really appreciate it, but I'm not gonna be needing them now.

I got the series, and I'm going to California.

Come on, we're moving the party up to the Plaza.

(excited chatter) All right, let's go!

ALL (chanting): Boise! Boise! Boise!

Boise! Boise! Boise...

You know, uh, this champagne isn't quite cold enough.

Would you make sure the next batch is a little more chilled, please?

Yes, sir.


And by the way, all these meatballs got toothpicks in them.

Tell them to be more careful back there.


A toast... to our friend who is with us again, but who will soon be leaving us, but who will take with him all of our best wishes.

You know...

I can't think of any group of people I'd like to share this moment with more.

I mean, you guys have been with me through the bad times and through the good times, and finally now, a great time.

Hear, hear. (Elaine sighs, laughs)

I just wish there was some way I could take you all with me.

Well, since you can't, could I have your juicer?

(phone ringing)

I got it. I got it.

Hello. Oh, yeah, hang on a second.

Hey, Bobby, it's your agent.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Make more money...

Hey, Sid, how you doin'?

What is it?


They what?

But, but why?

Well, what did you say to them?

Ho... hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, Sid.

Sid, you said an hour ago everything was fine.

Listen, isn't there anything we can do?

Listen, Sid, they can't do this to me!

Come on, this is my life!

Oh, God!

Hey, he's got me curious.

Damn it, Bobby, I just don't understand how a thing like this can happen.

I mean, this is not fair!

You went out there, you made a pilot.

They sold it, they loved it.

And now they're gonna recast your part?

I can't believe it.

I, I can't believe it.

I mean, it's not happening to me.

Here we go.

For the California beach boy.

Just the thing for fun in the sun.

You bought me a beach ball?

Thank you, big mouth.


Latka, Bobby's going to stay in New York.

They recast his part.

Is true?

Oh, okay, well, I don't mind.

I like to be laughed at by the clerks in the toy store.

I just don't understand this.

Didn't they give you any explanation?

Oh yeah, they gave me an explanation.

Yeah? Well, this I'd like to hear. Yeah.

They said I wasn't sexy enough.


I don't understand.

BOBBY: They gotta be crazy.

I mean, I ooze sex.

I mean, look at my teeth and my hair, my height.

I'm a sexy guy.

Uh, excuse me.


Do you speak English?


Do you think I'm sexy?


Do you think I'm very sexy?


I'm gonna ask you seriously and, and please don't lie to me.

Do you think that I'm really, really sexy?

You are a sex god, señor.

See? ALEX: Bob, Bob, Bob, listen, those people in Hollywood are crazy.

Now, look, I'm not gonna let you give up.

There's gotta be something you could do.

Oh, oh, there's something I could do.

Uh, I'm going to wander the streets aimlessly and ride the subways and babble to myself.

And crawl back to Louie on my belly, begging for my job back.

That's the spirit.

Bobby, look.

You gotta look on the bright side of things.

You know, you got a lot going for you.

Yeah, like what?

Like us. TONY: That's right.

ALEX: That's right.

Yeah. One thing I do have is friends.

The "one thing"?

The one? Ah, come on, Bob.

Ah, look, let's everybody just sit right here and remind Mr. Wheeler about the great things that he's got that are a lot more important than some television show, all right?


You know, I'm feeling a lot better now.

I want to thank you guys.

It's all right. Oh. Oh, great, Bobby.

I think I can even face going back to the garage now.

Hey, Bob, I know it ain't much, but at least we'll all be together again.

Yeah. You can still Yeah.

Go on those auditions like you used to.

Yeah, yeah... No, no, no, no, Bobby.

Going back to the garage would be the worst mistake you'd ever make in your life.

What, what are you talking about?

Bobby, come here.

Come here, let me show you this. What?

Look here.

What do you see out there?

An old woman clubbing pigeons.

No, no, not down there, up there.

Oh, the sunrise.

Yeah, Bobby, it's a new day.

And you know what's great about this day?

It doesn't belong to anybody yet.

It could belong to you, Bob.

But it won't if you stick around here.

Now, look, come on, you went out there.

The best thing that ever happened to you was this, was this shot at the pilot.

I mean, you got experience, you made contacts.

Bobby, you gotta follow through with this.

You gotta go back to California.

Look, maybe this one didn't work out, but the next one will.

Or the one after that.

Or the one after that.

Or the one after that.

Or the one after that.

ELAINE: Jim, he got the point.

"The grey-eyed morn smiles on frowning night,"

"Chequering the eastern clouds with streaks of light,"

"And fleckled darkness like a drunken reels"

"From forth day's path and Titan's fiery wheels."


That's good, Bob.

TONY: Yeah.

I've still got a plane ticket to California.

And tomorrow, I'm gonna be on that noon flight.

Or the one after that.

Let's go. Welcome home, Bobby.

Oh. Here are you earmuffs.

Oh, gee, Latka, thanks.

But, see, I won't be needing them now.

I'm going out to California, and I'm gonna make it.

Oh, and then I suppose you want the beach ball?

And then when I give you the beach ball, you're going to want the earmuffs?

Well, you got another thing coming, pal, because I don't care.

I am fed up.

I don't care where you go, what you do, when you do it, when you get there.

I don't care. You're making me crazy.

(speaking native language)

Earmuffs, beach ball. Yeah, Latka...

Earmuffs, beach ball...

(continues in native language)

Well, everybody, I'm on my way.

Hey, uh, Lou.

All right, don't make this any harder than it has to be.

I said I was gonna congratulate him, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Hey, hey, Louie, listen, you really don't have to do that...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no... No, but I...

I'd like to hear this. Alex, I would...

I would really like to hear this.

All right, well, then shut up and let me do it.

All right, uh, Wheeler.

I know that I, I rode you hard when you worked here and, uh, I hope that, uh, that doesn't keep you from believing what I'm about to say.

(clears throat)

I was wrong.

Everybody else was right.

You probably are talented, because you're getting out of this place.

It's something I gave up on a long time ago.

Eh, you'll go out there, probably become a big star.

And if, uh, something like that should happen, and, uh, you are still not mad at me... maybe send me a picture or something.

Congratulations and I wish you all the best.

Hey, uh, look, Lou, I, I wasn't gonna say anything, but, uh...

I want to give you a good-bye gift.

Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, you shouldn't do that. No, no, yeah, yeah.

Look, uh, Louie, I didn't get the series.

They liked the pilot, but, uh, they're getting rid of me.

They did that to you?

Oh... (sobbing)

Hey, hey, come on, Louie, huh?

Come on, don't take it like that.

I can't help it.

(laughing): That's the funniest thing I ever heard.



Hey, mister, you want to hear something funny?

You know, Alex, I think I'm gonna miss him the least.


I guess this is good-bye.

Oh, no.

Hey, listen, we're gonna be seeing a lot of each other.

You'll go out there, I'll come back here. Yeah.

Let's just say... "so long."

So long.

Take it easy, bro.

We're gonna be seeing you on television sooner than you think.


Or the one after that.

Well, um... good-bye, Bob.

Hey, Alex, it's not really good-bye.

It's more like "I'll see ya later."

Come on, we're gonna be seeing a lot more of each other.

Yeah, maybe, maybe.

What, what do you mean, "maybe"?

Well, I mean, come on, you know, if you, uh, if you make it out there, uh, your life's gonna change.

I mean, you're gonna get busy.

You're gonna travel.

You're gonna make new friends.

You know that and I know that.

You know, Bobby, if you become a star, there's a good chance we'll never see each other again.

Here's hoping we never see each other again.

Yeah. (chuckles)

Go get 'em. Go get 'em.

Huh? All right.


(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)