Taxi S4E14 Script

Tony's Lady (1982)

(theme music plays)

♪ ♪

I just passed Latka on my way in.

Guess who he is today?

Poor Latka.

I'll give you a hint.

He's wearing Savage Leather cologne.

Oh, no, not him.


(as Vic): Hey, beautiful co-workers.

What a day it is to be young, gifted and Vic.

You know, I'm getting used to Latka with these multiple personalities, but when he's Vic, he's such a slimy lounge lizard.

Hiya, gorgeous.

With exquisite taste.


Oh, wow, bum me out again, man.

Oh-oh. Oh, look at this, I'm not touching this machine.

Latka? I mean, Vic?


Something wrong?

Look at this. I mean, look.

I'm sorry to lose my mellow, but I mean, I'm just getting sick and tired of that little foreign wimp, Latka Gravas.

Pardon me?

Look, I know you two are tight, but look at this engine!

Look at this. It's filthy, it's a disgrace.

I'm not touching that.

Well, I wouldn't dress a wound in there, but... Hey, look, is it fair that I have to do both his work and mine?

Well, offhand, I would say no, but, uh, I, I...

Would you please do me a favor? What?

Why don't you take little Captain Crud aside sometime and teach him how to operate a rag, okay?

You want me to talk to him for you?

Yeah, I mean I would do it myself...

No, say no more, say no more. I'm confused enough.

I'll talk to him.

Hey, thanks, man. You're a guy and a half.

And you're at least that.

Hey, guys, guess what? I got a great new job!


What are you going to be, a door-to-door simpleton?

Listen to this. I went to the employment agency just to see what they had... Uh-huh?

The guy sends me on an interview, and I get the job!

Oh, you're leaving us?

Oh, no, no, no, I'm gonna work here, too. It's just part-time.

A couple nights a week.

Yeah, a little extra money can't hurt.

Oh, no, I'm not doing this for the money, Alex.

I need a change in my life.

I'm getting tired of driving a cab, sitting all day in a cab, driving people all day, every day, day after day.

So what's the new job?

I'm gonna be a chauffeur.

Talk about the Renaissance man. (chuckles)

Great, Tony, go for it and don't look back.

Who hired you?

Oh, I haven't met her yet, but it's supposed to be some rich lady named Longworth.

That's great, Banta. You be nice to her, and maybe she'll let you walk her poodles.

Be real nice to her, maybe she'll let you eat with them.

(as Latka): Time to put my nose back on the grindstone.


Oh, uh, Latka?

Yes, what is it, Alex?

Good. Uh...

I uh, I'm really not sure how to say this, Latka, uh, but, uh, I promised Vic that I would mention to you that he thinks that your engine is dirty.

Oh, well, then, uh, let's take a look and see, all right?

Eh, what do you see?

I see a lot of grease and oil.

Oh, my! What a surprise.

Grease and oil in an engine? Are my eyes deceiving me?

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

Listen, Vic is a fussbudget and a pain in the yaktabe.

Like I said, I promised him that I'd mention it to you.

Oh, well I understand, and I appreciate it.

And now you mention this to him for me.

I can't say that.

All right. Well, then mention this to him.

Ah, better.

That's more to the point, better.

I can't wait to drive this car.

Wow. Look at it.



Oh, yeah.

Oh, I've got the door.

Don't bother.

Mrs. Longworth?


Oh, you can call me Christina.

And you're?

Very grateful.

Oh, you mean my name.

My name... My name is, uh...

My name. My name is Anthony.


Anthony, is something wrong?

If there is, I can't see it from here.

Uh, I mean, nothing's wrong, ma'am, nothing.

Everything is fine.

And it was nice of you to ask.

And if there is anything wrong, don't be afraid to tell me, because I'm new at this, and you know, I might screw up.

(sotto voce): "Screw up." I don't believe it.

Well, there is something.

Oh, no. The hat. I'm sorry, ma'am.

I know I should have taken it off before you got in.

Where are my manners? Damn!

Oh, I'm sorry about "damn."

Anthony, the only thing I was going to suggest is that you just relax a little bit.

I mean, I realize you're new at this job, but, really, you're doing just fine.

Well... thank you.

In fact, I think you could so far as to pull away from the curb now.

TONY: Yes, ma'am.

Now, then, tell me.

Which do you prefer, Anthony or Tony?

I guess I prefer Tony, ma'am.

And which do you prefer, uh, Christina or Peggy?

Tony, Peggy is a nickname for Margaret.

My nickname is Tina.

Oh. I'm always getting those two mixed. I'm sorry...

Actually, everyone calls me Christina.


Except my brother... who calls me collect.



Am I still doing good as a chauffeur?

Oh I think you're doing very well.

Oh. I think so, too.

I mean, it's, it's sort of like driving a cab.

I mean, a lot classier, you know.

But I feel right at home here in this limousine.

(horn blaring, tires screeching)

Hey, you, suck eggs!

I'm sorry.

I mean, uh... I mean, uh...

I mean, exercise some caution, will you, fellow?

Yeah, Alex. I'm outside the governor's mansion right now.

It's the classiest party I ever heard.

(band playing slow jazz in distance)

No, no, I can't see nothing from here.

Yeah, but I met some real important people.

Well, I don't want to brag, Alex.

Well, but just to mention a few...

The governor's chauffeur, the mayor's chauffeur.

Yeah, it's a regular who's who.

Hey, Alex, I got to go.

I'll talk to you later.

CHRISTINA: Tony, we're going to drop Mr. Blakeley off on the way home.


115 Central Park West.


(clears throat)


Doug, I promised you a ride home.

Nothing else, okay?



Christina, don't be so unfriendly.

Doug, please stop.

(Tony clears his throat)

(clearing throat loudly)

You're making an ass of yourself.

She's right, Doug.

Who are you?

I'm Tony.

Tony, mind your own business.

Just drive the car.

I will if you stop being rude.

Christina and I are having a little disagreement.

You had better keep your nose out of it.


As long as you stop being rude.

What if I don't stop being rude?

Well, I guess I'll have to ask you to leave.

Tell me something, Tony.

What will you do when you ask me to leave and I don't?

What, then, jerk?

I don't know.

I guess I'd break your face.

All right, big talker, just stop this car.

We'll see who breaks whose face.

Guys, please.

(brakes screeching)

You want to step outside and settle this, right?

You bet. You got it.

You got it.

Yeah? Well, get out.

(tires screeching)

That settled it. (laughs)

Just what would you have done if that hadn't worked?

I mean, he was a lot bigger than you.

Oh, I wasn't worried.

I mean, size isn't nearly as important as ability.

You know, I was a professional boxer.

I've been beat up by guys half his size.

So anyway, everyone said it was a terrible mismatch.

I mean, Manzo was nationally ranked, and I was a young unknown.

See, his manager took the fight for a sure win.

You know, make his record look good.

Yes. All right, so the fight starts.

First round, Manzo breaks my nose.

For the next four rounds, he keeps going for it, hitting me in the face, bloodying my nose.

Somehow I managed to stay on my feet round after round.

The sixth round, they finally stopped the fight.

I win on a TKO.

Manzo can't come out of his corner

'cause I'm making him nauseous.

That was a joke.

Oh. (laughs)

You know, like, a sportswriter wrote that about the fight

'cause that's the way it looked.

But the fact was, I wore Manzo out.

Was that the biggest fight you ever had?

Oh, no.

I once fought Ron Thomas.

You know, in his prime, he was considered one of the best middleweights of all time.

But by the time I fought him, he was 43.

I mean, his reflexes were off, his timing was bad, his punches were weak.

With a couple of breaks, I might have beat him.


That one was serious.

Oh. I'm sorry.

No, no, no, that's okay.

Now that I think about it, it is kind of funny.

You want to hear another one? Yes.

How about that?

All these years of boxing finally paid off.

I have amusing anecdotes.


Oh, look at this.

My sandwich.

It was almost ruined.


Are you still moping over Christina?

I'm not moping.

It's just hard to chauffeur somebody around you're nuts about.

I mean, we go to so many great places together.

These could've been the greatest dates of my life if they had been dates.

I'm never going to have better dates than these, and I never had these.

Aw, Tony...

"Aw, Tony"? You understood that?


But he looks so sad.

I'm obsessed with her, Alex.

I can't get her out of my mind.

She's the classiest lady I ever met.

She's like a princess, she's like a goddess, she's like a Vegas showgirl.

Tony, Tony, why don't, why don't you ask her out?

I can't do that, Alex, I'm just a chauffeur.

I mean, she's nice to me, but she's nice to me the way she's nice to the gardener, the way she's nice to the housekeeper, the way she's nice to the cook.

She's so nice.

But I'll bet that she thinks of you as more than help, too.

Oh, yeah.

When was the last time you ended an evening by telling your date to wax the car?

Tony, give it time.

Love has a way of creeping up on folks.

I once lived with a woman for three years before I realized I loved her.

In fact, I lived with her for three years before I realized I lived with her.

What a woman.

I might have married her.

Why didn't you?

I said I might have.

I don't remember.

Tony, Tony, listen to me, listen to me.

Don't wait.

I mean, the longer you wait, the harder it is for her to think of you as not the help.

You know, he's absolutely right.

You have got to ask her out right now.

I can't do that, man. ALEX: Why?

I want her so bad but she's out of my league.

And I'm not going after no more pipe dreams.

I can't take that again.

What do you mean, again?

Oh, you guys know, I was a boxer.

I wanted to be champion of the world.

So, I spent 13 years of my life wanting and chasing something that I'd never get.

All I get is an empty feeling for it.

No more longshots.

Tony, you're not a quitter, are you?

No, I'm no quitter, Alex, but what am I supposed to do?

Well, we'll help you, all right?

We'll show you, I mean, if need be, we'll go over everything step by step.

But you're going to get the girl of your dreams, Tony.

That's right.

Oh, come on guys, I mean, she goes out with guys that take her to Broadway openings.

You know, the 21, the Met.

How am I supposed to compete with that?

So, you don't compete.

Tony, you do something better.

You do something that is uniquely you.

That's right. Like what?

Well, wait a minute, wait, wait, let's just think about it.

Let's just think about it.

I got it!

How about boxing?

Great! Good!

That's unique, Tony.

But for God's sake, go easy on her.

Tony, I got a great idea for a date.

And it won't even cost you much.

Oh, one of my most romantic memories was the time when my date showed up with a large picnic basket and a bottle of wine, and he took me on the Circle Line cruise around Manhattan.

Oh, it was a beautiful spring day.

I fell in love with him that afternoon.

Yeah? How'd it turn out?

Oh, not so good.

I married him.


Boxing's out.

A picnic basket and a cruise is in.

Hey, you know what would be fun to do after that?

Take her ice-skating.

Oh, I don't know, Alex, I mean, I've never been ice skating, I might fall down.

Oh, that's cute as hell. ALEX: Yeah.

I could, I could fall.

Banta, this is touching a chord in my heart.

I've been through this, and I want to pass something on to you.

I was once in love with a woman who was so sophisticated and so refined that it seemed to make her unattainable to me.

Oh, yeah, the prison guard.

No, no, no, not her.

This was a ballerina.

She was gorgeous.

And classy.

When she did a grand jete, it could make you cry.

But I persevered and I won her heart.

Really? How, Louie?

I know a spot on a woman's body that turns her to jelly.

Well, if that works so great for you, Louie, why aren't you constantly surrounded by beautiful women?

Because it's not an easy spot to get to.

Take off your right shoe, Nardo.

Drop dead.

See, I told you it was a tough spot to get to.

Come by later and I'll, uh, tell you some secrets.

You too, Casanova.

Hey, come on, so, so, what do I do after ice-skating?

You know, to sort of cap off the evening.


Uh, drop by my place.

I'm having a luau.

Thanks, Jim, but, uh, you wouldn't know when we'd be dropping by.

It doesn't matter, I'm always having a luau.

Now, look, Tony, I think you're pretty well set now.

What do you mean set, Alex?

You guys said you were going to tell me what to say and how to say it.

(as Vic): ♪ Here I come to save the date. ♪


Okay, Tony, I got a line for you.

You use this little goodie, and I promise it'll be full speed ahead from "Can I buy you a drink?"

To "How do you like your eggs?"

I'll write it down for you.

No, no, no, Tony, you don't need any lines.

I don't have any lines.

Or any women, either, eh, Mahatma?

Here, Tony.

Read your lady this poem I wrote.

Hey, a poem is a good idea.

"How much love I gave to those I never loved.

"How, hoping for what I never knew and finding it with my heart, Christina."

Yikes! This don't even rhyme.

That's right, I was hoping it did.

Tony, the very things that you've told us about Christina are the very things that you should tell her.

That's right, that's right.

Aw, yeah, sure. No, Tony, it is.

I mean like, like, like that I can't stop thinking about her?

You want to go out with Christina? Yeah!

Then all you have to do is go to her and say, "I want to go out with you."

I want to go out with you.

Yeah. I like it.

I'll do it.

Oh, but I'm going to chicken out, Alex.

Don't chicken out.


Got that covered, too, huh, Alex?

All right.

I'll do it, I won't let you guys down.

We can't miss. Okay, go to it.

Oh, yeah, how's this?

I fixed the poem.

It rhymes.

"How much love I gave to those I never loved.

"How cold is your hand when not properly gloved.

"Hoping for what I never knew, "The sky is blue, and finding it with my heart...

And here comes the hardest part, "Christina, which I like even better than Wheatina."

Well, it's a start, Jim.


Thanks, guys. ALEX: Okay, okay.

TONY (sotto voce): Ask her.

I just want to go out with you.

I want to go out with you.

Oh, that's easy.

I want to go out with you.

Oh, let me help you.


Thank you.

(takes deep breath)

Christina, here it is.

Well, I think they liked your designs.

Congratulations. Thanks.

I'll have Accounting send them a material cost breakdown.

Tell them I'm working on a new design for spring.

Fine, but could you do me a favor?

Could you try to keep material cost down this time?

The cost is your department, isn't it?

Yeah, but it would be easier for us both if you'd just consider the cost up front.

I'll do that.

See you later.

See you later. Bye.

Christina, I...

Christina, I can't go on with this charade anymore.

I was wrong about everything, I'm sorry.

I love you.

I need you.

Marry me.

Oh, yes, Nick.


Christina, will you go out with me?

Oh, guys, don't be so hard on yourselves.

I mean, you meant well.

And you were right, I had to go for it.

You can't give up on your dreams.

Romance never works out.

Only in fiction.

I want to live in fiction.

It wouldn't even have to be "Wuthering Heights."

I'd settle for "Nancy and Sluggo."

I'll get over this.

We'll all get over this.

This is not my first disappointment.

The first time my heart was broken was in the ninth grade, and I got over it.

A couple of years ago.

Ah, the worst part of it is, I feel like I let everybody down.

No, it's not your fault, No. It's nobody's fault.

We're just depressed because there's no romance left in the world.

Don't be too sure.

I've got a date with an angel.

Funny thing... I've known her for years.

She didn't know I was alive until last night.

I tried the stuff we've been telling Tony.

Worked like a charm.

Well, we're going out tonight collecting aluminum cans.

Crazy world.

♪ Oh, love always... ♪

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)